We live in a culture of MORE: do more, be more, have more, and earn more.  Tips on how to be more productive and accomplish more in a day sell so many books and grab our attention to click on a whole lot of links.  We seem to have a collective resistance to slowing down, and God forbid, stopping, as we fear we will be left behind.  But the truth is, as so many experts have concluded, rest is essential to our well being and our long term success. And frantic busyness without good planning and goal setting can leave us burned out.  So in today’s post, I  share with you an important equation for success, combining intentional activity that challenges us followed by time to step back for rest and reflection:   STRESS + REST = GROWTH.

In his books, Peak Performance and The Passion Paradox, Brad Stulberg examines the relationship between hard work and rest.  He follows the work of some of the world’s top performers in the areas of athletics, art, and business and finds a common pathway to continued development.  Truly successful and happy people take on challenges that push them in a way that is exciting and also uncomfortable.  Without the stress of the challenge they wouldn’t have the motivation to press themselves to see what more they are capable of.  But after the stress, they step back to recuperate and reflect on what they have done.  Most everyone finds it a delicate balance.  Too much stress and you risk burnout, injury, or illness.  Not enough stress and you get complacency and boredom.

Research shows that both the body and the brain respond to stress by becoming stronger.  Choosing challenges that are just outside our current ability is optimal as we can apply ourselves and see progress.  Sometimes we set a bar too high, and then we end up with frustration and fatigue as we feel too overwhelmed and see our efforts as failures.  But then comes the part that takes real courage.  Taking a break.  Matt Dixon, coach of world class athletes writes, “Anyone can work their asses off.  But it takes real courage to rest.”  When you see everyone around you working hard and staying endlessly busy, it’s easy to feel you should be doing the same.  But ultimately, stress without rest leads to burn out and break down.  Physiologically, when we rest is when our bodies do repairative work.  Both our brains and our bodies rebuild and strengthen when we rest and when we sleep.  For our bodies, hormones such as testosterone and HGH are released when we rest.  Our muscle fibers regrow and strengthen on our off-days of physical exertion.  For our minds, when we give it time to wander, we can become more creative.  Our subconscious has the freedom and space to come up with insights and interrelationships.  

Ever wonder why your best ideas come when you are riding your bike or taking a shower?  In fact, Lin Manuel Miranda, creator of the musical Hamilton, notes, “A good idea doesn’t come when you’re doing a million things.  The good ideas come in the moment of rest…It comes when you’re doodling or playing trains with your son.  It’s when your mind is on the other side of things.”  Stepping away from your stress is important in order to get perspective as well.  When we are too close to a problem we often can’t see the big picture and can get lost in a detail that ultimately holds us back or we stay loyal to a path that may be leading us away from our goal rather than closer to it.  Rest is additive to stress in order to achieve growth.

People have such a hard time allowing themselves to rest because they associate it with doing nothing. I frequently find myself telling people, and myself, that “rest IS an activity.”  In fact, good rest requires a lot of effort, to NOT look at your phone, NOT check your emails, and NOT just fit in that one task or errand.  Good rest requires our full attention to ourselves in the moment and staying in the present.  And so now when you feel guilty for resting you can think of the equation for growth, reminding yourself that while you are relaxing, indeed, you are actually very busy working hard to reach your goal!

I can’t draw, can’t paint, and good heavens, can’t sculpt. So in an effort to do something creative, I’ve recently taken to woodturning.  There’s something magical to me about taking a tool to a square block of wood and watching a bowl emerge.  The fresh smell of the green wood, the gentle spray of the released moisture, and the soft hum of the shavings peeling from the log create a sensory experience that is both satisfying and, for me, profoundly soothing.  Except when it isn’t.  Because, as in any craft, woodturning is really really hard to do and beginners must endure some pretty humbling attempts.  But in the process of learning I’ve discovered a metaphor that I’m finding useful to apply as a life lesson.  I share it with you today as I prepare for my next class in turning and changing.

Skilled woodturners can use the edge of their tool with such skill, they create deep and efficient cuts with little effort.  In fact, the learning process of turning is how to find the right angle that allows the sharpened edge to ride the grain of the wood, maximizing the cut with precision and minimal resistance.  You hold the tool as the lathe begins to turn and feel for the angle, much like I imagine a surfer does when catching a wave.  Find that right connection, and like magic, the blade rides along the wood creating a long tail of shavings with an almost effortless pressure on the part of the turner.  It takes a lot of patience to feel for that right angle, especially as a beginner.  Your instinct is to push when you are eager to make the cut.  But applying pressure, especially when the angle is wrong, only causes you to catch the blade on the wood, creating a loud cracking sound and a big divot in your piece.  Not only does it feel awful, as the tool kicks back at you, sound horrible, with an awful jolting noise, but a “catch”, as it is called, tends to make everyone in the shop turn and look at you!  

It makes sense that the first step in making an effective cut, then, is to take a deep breath, exhale, and relax your body.  (Thanks Jerry Kermode, my first teacher).  It feels counterintuitive, as your instinct is to want to lean in with pressure.  But the more anxious you are, the more rigid your body, the more you are likely to force a cut and catch the edge on your piece, leading to potential disaster.  And this feels like a familiar pattern to me, in many areas of life.  When I want something to happen, I push at it.  The more anxious I am about it, the harder I press.  Even when I can feel the approach is wrong, I get panicky and dig in.  But sometimes, trying harder is not the right answer.  Sometimes it’s best to take a step back, breathe, and look for a better angle.

The best example for me is in relationships.  When I feel misunderstood, I can be reactive.  I get activated and push back, sometimes causing the other person to become defensive.  Then in response to their defensiveness, I push harder and in essence double down. Rather than bringing me closer to the other person, in reality my feeling of being misunderstood only grows. Except now I feel misunderstood and self righteous.  None of it helps me get to my ultimate goal of feeling more connected to the person I care about.

I do believe these are the times when taking a deep breath is probably what is most needed.  When we find ourselves tense and activated, we become reactive rather than thoughtful.  We miss opportunities to go with the flow of a situation and risk having it turn out in ways that are actually not what we want or intend.  But it takes great awareness to fight the instinct to push hard on something we care about and discipline to pull back from it.  But a wise life craftsman has the experience to know that backing off and waiting for the right approach is most often far more effective.  And it also lowers our risk of “catching” and having everyone turn as they hear our mistake!  (Yes, that was me cursing at my laptop at the coffee shop. Darn thing never listens.).

For many years I’ve read about the benefits of mindfulness and meditation.  I truly believe it works and know people who swear by it.  I even recommend it to the people I work with, encouraging them to download apps to practice.  But to be honest, truth be told, I can’t get myself to do it.  I try, but it just doesn’t seem to stick.  I’ve even joined all  kinds of yoga classes and walking meditation groups, but it’s just never something I choose to do without forcing myself.  What is wrong with me, I wonder?  (Besides being a hypocrite).  And then as I read an article in a psychology journal, the answer seemed so simple.  According to research, maybe I just need something more fun!

For many people the idea of dancing is down right scary.  The self consciousness takes away any fun they might experience.  But research shows that if we can get past the awkwardness, dancing can be a more effective tool than meditation, yoga, or other forms of exercise for lowering stress levels and increasing a sense of well being.  In fact, there is evidence that human culture evolved through dance and that dancing is hardwired into our brains.  Cave drawings show evidence of people dancing over 7,000 years ago! And three week old babies show evidence that they can begin to sync up their movements to the beat of music played around them.  We seem to naturally find pleasure and joy in dancing, if only our embarrassment didn’t get in the way.  We are all dancers, it seems, but we truly differ in how comfortable we are with letting ourselves express it.

So here are a few reasons to give it a try.  Dancing combines several activities that each alone are good for our health – exercising, listening to music, and connecting with other people.  In one study, participants spent 90 minutes either doing hatha yoga, African dance or listening to a biology lecture (ok, was that a fair comparison?).  Results showed that both yoga and dance helped significantly reduce stress and negative emotions.  But only the dance participants had an increase in positive emotions. Other studies comparing various forms of exercise and mindfulness with dance classes also show the superior benefit of dance.  Participants in these studies seemed to consistently describe the feeling of creativity and excitement that emerged from the dance experience.  They also describe feeling more confident and energized.  One study even collected saliva samples and found that the dancer group had the largest drop in cortisol levels, the biological basis to the experienced reduction in stress.

Dance seems to transport us into a state of flow where we forget about our troubles and regulate our biological systems.  It opens us up to emotional experiences through the music and helps us to get in touch with our bodies in a playful way.  It brings people together and fosters a sense of connection and belonging.  There is something tribal and simple about moving your body in sync with a beat surrounded by other people.  Dance also seems to have good results as a treatment for depression and anxiety in many studies.  Meta analysis of the benefits for dance consistently show that the dance study participants came to associate their dance class with both a social and a physical effect that lifted their spirits.  In other words, it was fun!

Proof in concept?  In one of the studies, a group of 100 people with depression were split them into three groups.  One group learned tango, the other practiced mindfulness, and the third group was on a wait list.  Results showed that both mindfulness and tango helped lower depression levels compared to the waitlist group.  But at the completion of the study, when researchers asked participants if they wanted vouchers to continue either the mindfulness class or the tango class, guess what?  Over 97% of the participants chose the dance lessons!  Make it fun…and they will come.  Now maybe I can find a dance app to replace my meditation one. Or shut the door, pull the curtains, and schedule a dance party with myself where noone can see me!

My heart feels heavy this July 4th.  Our nation, which I love so dearly, feels at a perilous time in both the faith in and functioning of its democratic institutions.  Reproductive rights and gun legislation are out of step with the majority of American public opinion.  Our Nation’s Capital was attacked based on lies by politicians motivated solely by holding on to power, no matter the cost.  The people of our country are so divided, the promise of a melting pot protected by founding principles of freedom and liberty for all at times rings hollow.  And yet, thousands die in desperate attempts, leaving behind and risking their all, to find sanctuary here with the hope of a better future for their children.

As I work to process all the change that is happening, my mind often hits a point of overwhelm at the realization of how absurd and abstract a society really is.  The pain and suffering that so many experience in the separation of who is privileged and who is oppressed are all based on ideas.  Abstract, arbitrary ideas.  So much of what we are bound and determined by are just concepts that people made up and continue to believe in – money, beauty, citizenship, who are our enemies, and what defines success. At its essence, the basis of every society are values and opinions shaped by those with the cultural entitlements of authority and power.

And yet, these ideas have the most profound impacts.  We live by them and we die for them.  We are provided safety under them and we go to war over them.  It is only through them that we can maintain a functional civilized order that enables institutions to uncover truths, solve problems, and of utmost importance, reflect on itself.  

As I think of the long arc of the moral universe that Martin Luther King, Jr had such faith in bending toward justice, I am heartened by the power of what fair laws and the ideas behind them can actually do.  The Civil Rights Act of 1964 is such an important example of how critical legislation is for change.  Recently, Title IX had its 50th anniversary.  We still struggle with the implementation of the many rights protected under these laws, such as voting, public education, housing, fair trials, and other forms of freedom, but without the codified law prohibiting discrimination, we would have no foundation for the ongoing pressure needed for justice’s bending.

During the many opportunities I’ve had in driving across these United States I am never at a loss to find beauty.  I am in awe as I contemplate how these canyons, valleys, and mountain ranges dwarf our society in their power and in their longevity.  It seems a bit comical to think that what “We, the People” covet and define as “our America” has not always been and will not always be.  Plate tectonic scientists agree that our planet has manifested at least seven versions of a supercontinent long before us. And our countries and continents will surely unite again in a far distant future.  But here we are for now, a nation defined as this particular region at this particular point in time.  And with this, the color of our skin, our gender identity and sexuality, the religion we practice, the social and economic status of our parents, will all have enormous implications for our well being solely based upon this great intersection of place and time and the ideas and values that manifest there.

I am tremendously grateful for being born a US citizen in this era.  I can vote, I can choose to marry who I please, and I can achieve my educational and professional goals.    I aspire to remember and celebrate all who have fought for justice so that I may have these privileges. Because I take none of this for granted, I am also so keenly aware of the opposite possibility and the fragility of freedom in the hands of authority. We must all share in the responsibility to participate in and uphold our democratic principles and demand accountability to the protection of equality and opportunity for all.

I consider myself a patriot who dearly loves this country:  Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.  And as with any great love, there are times you must bask in and celebrate its beauty and uniqueness.  But at other times, you must do more than merely sing of it, particularly because you hold it so dear.  

I remember a time,  long ago,  when I was deciding to apply to graduate school. The thought of going for a doctorate seemed so daunting that I was starting to look into getting a masters degree, instead.  My Father looked at me and shook his head.  “You won’t be satisfied with a Masters,” he said,  “I know you.”  And the fact was, he was right.  He knew I loved to learn and that education was not just a goal for me, but a strong value.  An ambition he, in fact, had helped instill.  While my Mother was a great influence in many areas, it was my Father who understood and encouraged my educational drive.  Looking back, I am so grateful that I had the influence and perspectives from both of my parents.  And so with this Father’s Day I will highlight the benefits of Dads.

A few statistics to start:  According to a research overview by a professors at Rutgers University, nearly 90% of all studies since 1980 on father involvement showed a significantly positive association between positive father involvement and child well being.  In an analysis of over 100 studies on parent-child relationships, having a loving and nurturing father was found to be as important as a loving and nurturing mother to a child’s happiness and well being.  According to the research of Dr. Pruett at the University of Pennsylvania, children who feel a closeness and warmth with their father are twice as likely to enter college, 75% less likely to have a child as a teenager, 80% less likely to be incarcerated, and half as likely to show signs of depression.

Since my own childhood, the identity of  a “father” has changed significantly.  Gender role stereotypes have loosened, thank goodess, as my husband is a much better cook than I am and you better ask him to sew on your button if you want it to stay.  I know for sure  that my husband is more patient and less reactive to my daughters’ upsets and is much better at using humor to lighten their mood.  I’d like to think we are complementary in our styles and offer differing role models from careful co-parenting, but the fact is, just having someone who loves and respects my children as a parent partner is a big plus.  When I am tired, he can step in, when I am frustrated, he can be calm.  When I am busy, he can take over, and when I am concerned, I have an ally.  We are all much better off with his dependability and caring

Being a daughter, and having two of my own, I have thoroughly enjoyed the “#girl-dad” pride movement.  I think the idea that a father would prefer to have a son was a limiting and harmful notion.  “Girl dad” not only shines a light on the special relationship that can exist between fathers and daughters, but I think it also empowers men in the cause of breaking down barriers for young women that they may not have been so aware of until they see how it might affect their own child.  When I think about my Father with me, and the role my husband has with my daughters, I see the importance of dads as role models for how a man can be supportive and engaged in all areas of family life.  My Father set a tone that I was not only respected, but expected to challenge myself.  And my Father also set an expectation within me that my husband would need to show up for me and my daughters.  

I miss my Dad.  He saw me in a way that no one else did.  And while I have to admit, I do get a little jealous that my husband can see my daughters in a way that I cannot, I am also really happy about it.  Father’s affirm children in a way that is vitally important for each family in its own configuration, but also for society as a whole.  “Child dad” is a proven investment for the well-being of all.  My Dad taught me a lot about sports, negotiating, using a vice grip, and how to hide out at the hardware store to get a break.  But I’d like to think we taught each other a lot about empathy and intimacy.  I certainly know that when I graduated with honors with my doctorate, my Dad wasn’t surprised, even if I was.  While his PhD was in chemical engineering, it didn’t matter to him.  I was now the second Dr. Weissbein in the family, having reached the highest level in a field I loved to study.   

Everyone is so stressed.  We, as a society, have been through so much these past few years and layering on that the demands of work, family, and community obligations, life can feel pretty overwhelming. And if you are stressed, and the people around you are stressed, it only leads to more potential for unpleasant interactions.  I’ve definitely noticed people are less patient and forgiving, whether driving in town, waiting in line at the grocery store, or going to the doctor’s office.  And when you perceive the world to be more threatening, you’re bound to feel more tense and on guard, bringing about a negative cycle for ongoing stress.  In this week’s post, an antidote for the stress of daily living…daily acceptance.

When most of us think of acceptance, we think of it on a macro level, such as in the field of recovery, the Serenity Prayer, “accepting the things I cannot change.”  Or in a journey of grief and loss, acceptance being thought of as the final outcome in a long healing process.  Or the concept of radical acceptance, in which one aims to let go of all efforts to control or change things and be with life as it is rather than how you want it to be.

But acceptance can actually be quite useful on a smaller scale that we can apply more often for improved mental well being.  Daily acceptance involves being aware of opportunities to let go of battles that do not need to be fought and, in doing so, reducing the added stress of trying to control the little things that ultimately don’t really matter.  Most of us meet everyday realities (hassles) with resistance, creating unneeded tension and exhausting our psychological resources.  By actively turning our attention to accepting the daily hassles, we free up our energy and attention for more pleasant experiences.  For example, when you are stuck in traffic or forget something at home, or have to wait for something, how do you react?   Rather than getting tense and angry, feeling sorry for yourself or a victim to circumstances, you can choose to react differently.  Everyday acceptance involves being mindful of our response and regaining a sense of control into how we interpret, and therefore how we react to, our circumstances.  Instead of seeing traffic as a barrier to getting to where we want to go, you can see it as an opportunity to gain some time with yourself.  Or if you ran out of milk, see it as an opportunity to connect with a neighbor or try a new recipe.

A few tips can be helpful in practicing everyday acceptance.  First, try to let go of judgements.  We have a tendency to have to label our experiences as either good or bad, creating strong responses.  See if you can let go of the need to label a situation and accept it as neither positive or negative, but just as it is.  Another tip is to remind yourself that everything is temporary.  No feeling or circumstance will last, and the more you can observe and accept a situation, the more quickly you will be able to adapt to it.  And a final tip, watch for the ways you personalize a situation into being about you.  When the grocery store is out of an ingredient you need, it is not a conspiracy theory or a referendum on your own goodness or badness, successes or failures in life.  Not everything is about you!

And observing this tendency can actually be kind of funny.  Attempts at trying to control the world are pretty absurd when you step back from them.  Do we really think that someone got in a car accident as a way to keep us from being on time to our meeting?  Or that the post office became crowded in order to keep us from mailing our package?  Most of our daily hassles are not even about us in the slightest.  Yes, they affect us, but they are not ABOUT us. The world will be just fine without our doing anything about everything. 

And while daily acceptances are generally about the small stuff, when you add them up they can make a big difference in the overall tone of your day and ultimately to the quality of your life.  The more we exercise our ability to accept the small things and gain mastery over our mood, the stronger the muscle will be to identify and let go of what really isn’t important in the big picture.  Most people find it quite powerful to feel more in control of their own emotions successfully rather than unsuccessfully trying to arm wrestle with the world around them.  It’s kind of funny that doing nothing actually can make us healthier and happier? I wish the same was true about not doing dishes!

When my brothers were last here to visit I shared with them something that brought me to tears. It was a note my Mother-In-Law had found when sorting through some very old papers.  It looked vaguely familiar to me.  The stationary was formal with a traditional Jewish symbol on the front. The handwriting was mine, but from a much younger self, and it was definitely my signature at the end. As I read through it, almost thirty years of time melted away as I was right back in the mindset of a young woman at a crossroads in her life. The stationary was supplied by the funeral home after completing the burial rituals for my sister.  In reading through my words of gratitude for many acts of kindness by my now husband and his family, it touched me so deeply to be reminded of this testimony to their kindness. The note affirmed that what we do for each other really matters and comforts us through the dark nights when we feel so alone.

I have always been a thank you note writer.  Perhaps because I was very shy when I was young, words seemed to flow much more easily for me when I picked up a pen rather than looked someone in the eye.  I’m also someone who takes time to process my feelings.  I usually have to talk through something, or write through something, to figure out how I’m feeling and what it means.  But there has always been something very special to me about writing thank you notes.  In the process of doing them, it deepens the pleasure and prolongs it. Whenever I write a thank you note, I find it helps me savor the gift or gesture and then reflect this meaning back to the giver, affirming what the person, and not just the gesture, means to me.

While many people roll their eyes at the thought of having to write thank you notes because it’s taught to us as an obligation (remember the fill-in-the-blank ones you sent as a kid after your birthday), years of research are on my side. Studies have shown time and time again that being grateful is good for your health, mood, and general well being.  But other research shows why people are hesitant to do it.  Often people overestimate how awkward it will be to express their gratitude and underestimate the positive power of doing so.  For example, in research by Amit Kumar at the University of Texas McCombs School of Business, study participants were asked to write a letter to someone in their life expressing gratitude.  They were asked about their expectations of how the recipient would react.  Consistently the writers underestimated the value of their letter.  Writers tended to worry about getting the words just right or sounding articulate.  But the recipients valued the letters for the warmth and prosocial intent of the gesture more than the words.  And when the researchers surveyed the writers about their own feelings in composing the letter, the participants reported being in a much more positive mood upon completion.  This is in line with the popularity in Positive Psychology to prescribe gratitude lists and letters expressing appreciation.  It makes you feel better and costs you so little.

So now you know my little secret.  While people think I am so kind because of my thank you note habit, it’s really a totally selfish act.  And to prove it, I have the example of my brother, Daniel.  After staying with us that last visit, he wrote me a thank you note.  And what a treasure.  He put into words so much of what it also meant to me for our families to be together, deepening our understanding of one another’s lives, even though we live far away, and building new memories and rituals to carry forward.  Ok, yes, I cried again, but what a gift he gave me.  And, yes, how selfish of him, because now I have to keep being nice to him, just to keep getting his thank you notes!

Nobody warns you that parenting is an Extreme Sport.  There’s no waiver to sign, no warning labels of potential hazards, and no markers indicating the extreme level of difficulty you’re about to face.  And when your beloved family and friends offer gifts at your baby shower in preparation for your adventure, nobody gives you what you really need – a helmet and shoulder pads for your heart!  There is no training for the intense thrill ride of parenting and the courage required along the way.  Because the truth is, that in stepping onto the lifetrack of motherhood, you will careen up and down the steep slopes of life’s obstacles with the threat of constant danger around every bend with only your instincts to guide you.  You will constantly teeter on the edge of that delicate balance of letting go and holding on to your precious child, alternating between the emotional highs of pure joy and the crippling anxiety of responsibility.  And even with all of that, you’ll be grateful for every day of the journey.

I vividly remember coming home from the hospital carrying our tiny baby girl across the threshold of our new life.  The newfound love and joy was blindsiding in its intensity.  I held her tightly and gazed into her eyes. But then a panicky feeling hit me: Now what do I do with her?  So I handed her to my husband, who sat and gazed into her eyes and felt the deep love as well.  And then his eyes started darting around the room and I could tell he was having the same thought as I did: Now what do I do with her?  Naturally, he handed her back to me.  We were both suddenly faced with the reality that neither of us had any idea what the heck we were doing and, yet, we were totally responsible for the well being of this vulnerable precious life, now and forever forward.

Just as in Extreme Sports competitions, they should give out fancy medals to the victors.  Every parent would have a trophy case filled to the brim as a testament to the level of courage and expertise required. “Ah, and here is the medal for not taking my child to the ER every time her fever spiked.” “And here is my trophy for not calling the police every time we hadn’t heard from her while she was out with her friend.”  “And the ribbon up there?  Well, that was for not getting a background check on her Freshman year romantic interest, the guy with the weird tattoo.”  I remember well the time my daughter got in a fender bender as a new driver.  I wanted to permanently grab the keys and never let her drive again.  Did she know how lucky she was that no one was hurt?  Does she know how distracted other drivers can be and that some people drink and drive?  Had she any idea how her life or ours could change in the blink of an eye with a terrible tragedy?  Yet, I did as every parent does.  I dug down deep into the well of bravery that needs constant replenishment.  I comforted her, handed her the keys, and let her drive home.  I did my best to beat back the terror inside me and avoid stoking the flames of fear that were already smoldering inside her.  

And just like with any Extreme Sport, as soon as you master one degree of difficulty, you’ve moved on to the next. Just as we got the Elementary School challenge under control, she gradutes to Middle School.  And with every passing year it feels like the stakes get ever higher.  A total surprise to me is how, even now, with my daughters both in their early 20’s, I am terrified at times.  They are making life decisions that have such important consequences – life partners, career moves, what city they want to set their roots down in. How I miss the days when the choices to worry about were what level of Math to put them in or dance class to sign them up for.

Thank goodness we get their whole lives to train and develop, giving us time to learn and grow as mothers. It takes years of experience to make the decisions around when to listen to the parenting advice or trust our own gut instead, when to step back and when to step in.  It also takes time and experience to learn how to trust your child and listen when they tell you what they need.  Especially now, when they actually know more and have more experience in many areas than I do!  And over the years, you also learn to live with the injuries that accumulate in this sporting life.  Like the scarring on my tongue from appropriately biting it so often.  And the bruising of my ego when they confront my distorted sense of reality.  And, of course, the traumatic brain injury from banging my head on the wall with the mistakes I make over and over again.

Parenting is an extreme sport, there is no doubt.  And let me just be clear at how lucky I know that I am in being blessed with two daughters who were patient, forgiving, and taught me all along the way and who built my trust as I let them earn it.  And how lucky I am to have such fabulous teammates who supported my training – a fabulous partner in parenting who bore the brunt of a lot of estrogen, family and friends who shared their compassion and wisdom as I fell down and had to pull myself back up, and my kid’s friends who gave me insight and critical insider information (carpools are awesome!).  

And of course, a thank you to my own mother, who I miss more with every passing day.  It’s so hard to get perspective on what it is to feel a mother’s love until it is no longer available.  I am grateful for the memories of how she loved me and the values she left within me.  One of the most beautiful gifts she ever gave me was telling me that even better than being my mother was watching me be a mother.  

There is no offseason for parenting.  There is no retiring or hanging up your equipment to safely recall the glory days in your ever increasingly distant memory.  And to be honest, I thank goodness. We will forever be the Mother “in the arena , whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; whos strives valiantly.” We can only assume Theodore Roosevelt’s mother, Mittie, was his inspiration.

Have you ever felt like you were emotionally spiraling?  It’s a helpless feeling and can be exhausting, disruptive, and affect the people around you.   Whatever the type of feeling, whether sad or angry or worried, it seems to grow and build in intensity in a way that feels out of control.  Today’s post is about a tool from a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that emphasizes techniques for managing our emotional spirals, balancing being aware of and accepting our experience with using skils to regulate them (hence the dialectic) .  (Can you tell I am doing a DBT Training?)

While spirals seem to come out of nowhere, they actually develop from a series of choices and responses.  Spirals are made up of feedback loops between our thoughts, feelings, and our behaviors.  For example, if you’re feeling depressed, you tend to see the word in a negative light and have thoughts such as “nobody cares” and that you are “unworthy.” These thoughts and feelings lead to staying home and isolating yourself, which then confirms and reinforces your loneliness.  Being home alone, you might overeat or indulge in alcohol as a way of numbing the painful feelings, which then leads to more self critical judgments and depressed feelings.

The “Opposite Action to Emotion” technique, also known as Opposite Action or O2E, takes advantage of our emotions as motivators to action, but directs our behavior in a manner that  breaks the chain of a downward spiral.  The first step in O2E is to identify and acknowledge the emotion we are experiencing and the action urge associated with it.  For example, when we’re scared, we may have the urge to escape or avoid what is making us anxious.  If we’re angry, we may have the urge to attack or go on the offensive.  

The next step is to ask ourselves if the emotions we have identified fit the facts of our situation and if the action we feel the urge to engage in will be effective in resolving the situation.  Sometimes our emotions and/or the intensity may be out of proportion for the situation we’re in.  For example, being afraid and running away is a helpful emotion and action when encountering a bear, but being afraid and running away may not be a good career move for the presentation we have to give at work.

Once you identify how your emotions may be fueling actions that are unhelpful, you take control by actually doing the opposite action instead.  For example, if you’re feeling sad because your romantic relationship has ended, you might have the urge to stay at home and cut yourself off from the world.  Instead, you choose the opposite action, and choose to do something outside of the house, like going for a hike or buying a gift for a friend at the Farmer’s Market. In this way, going out and being with others breaks the cycle of the downward spiral.  

O2E is not about ignoring or denying emotions.  In fact, the point is to actually work to label and identify what you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you and then to be proactive in managing it.  Rather than passively letting it spiral, O2E is about gaining awareness of your feelings and then actively putting some separation between these feelings and how you behave.

Like most skills, Opposite Action to Emotion is a tool that takes some practice to implement, but you must also start with a willingness to try it.  Some people actually find it can be a fun challenge to try to think of a behavior that might be counterintuitive to what they’re feeling.  Like how about signing up for the Open Mic night when you’re home obsessing about that work presentation or asking that  neighbor you worry doesn’t like you to go out for coffee?  Now wouldn’t that put a halt to your spiral?  If nothing else, you’ll build your confidence at taking risks and not letting yourself be controlled by your fears and feelings!  The ultimate power of O2E is to highlight the ability we always have to choose how we respond to our feelings – it’s the ultimate tool for psychological de-spiralizing.

The good news is you finally made a change after a long period of hard work.  The bad news is you have to keep it.  Sometimes you can get so caught up in getting over a hurdle to reach a goal, that when you finally get there, you feel a let down and an overwhelm.  As change is a process, you don’t just stay changed!  It takes long term commitment and effort to change and then keep it, and this can be frustrating.  But recently I came across an idea by a researcher named Robert Eisenberg that gave me some inspiration about how to keep the momentum when making a change.

Eisenberg called his theory “Learned Industriousness” and it states:  If an individual is rewarded for putting a large amount of effort into an activity, the sensation of high effort takes on secondary reward properties that lessen the effort’s general aversiveness.  In response, reward for high effort involving one or more activities increases the subsequent effort exerted in other activities.  

Yeah, what?  Let me make it simpler.  If you work hard at something you are more likely to achieve a better outcome than if you don’t.  So then, we associate working hard (what Eisenberg calls industriousness) with success and improvement, which makes it easier to work hard at other things because we feel good about our effort having the possibility of success.  The act of working hard itself has a reward component to it; we feel good about our effort and therefore are more likely to stick with it, again reinforcing success.  It is a positive feedback loop of sorts.

This concept of Learned Industriousness is basically the opposite of a theory you may have heard before, and I have written about in the past, called “Learned Helplessness.”  It was posited by Martin Seligman as a theory of depression many years ago.  In summary, if a person experiences aversive conditions in which they have no control or way to stop it, the person learns to stop trying and gives up.  Their failure to have impact generalizes so that they assume that in other areas of their life they will have no ability to make a difference.  In other words if people can’t achieve something, they stop trying, and assume that they are not capable of making any changes at all.  The idea of helplessness becomes reinforced, because the less they do, the less they achieve.  

So, how does this help us with change?  If you combine the theories of Learned Industriousness and Learned Helplessness, you can see how important it is to set goals that are both hard to do and yet, achievable.  If we choose a goal that is too easy, we will lose the reinforcement of the hard work that becomes associated with the effort and discipline required to do it.  If we pick goals that are too difficult, we can easily become dejected, feeling that no matter how hard we try, we will fail, so why bother.

Take weight loss for example, as it’s a challenge most all of us can relate to.  Many people begin a journey of weight loss setting their dream weight as the goal.  Inevitably they hit plateaus and some setbacks, making the dream weight feel unachievable.  How many times have you given up on your eating plan because you tried really hard and after days and days of logging your food and watching your calories, you felt so far away from your goal weight?  You started to feel that no matter what you did, you would never be able to reach your desired weight.  You felt helpless and powerless and give up, as it seemed more painful to try with no result than to not try at all.

In contrast, if you set goals that move you in the direction you want to go and give you accomplishments as you get there, you feel a sense of success.  And the more varied your goals, the more ways you can experience success.  For example, instead of focusing on your dream weight, you set the goal in several areas that will be a moderate challenge, such as losing 5 pounds, running a 5 k, and eating more fruits and vegetables.  In this way you give yourself the opportunity to achieve success and thus associate your industrious effort with a rewarding sense of accomplishment.  It makes it much easier to stick to your plans because you feel a sense of control and associate your hard work with a positive outcome that increases your motivation to work at it.

In thinking about this continuum of goal difficulty versus the effort required to have some success, it makes me think about all the ways it can be applied.  As teachers, parents, or in any role of leadership, setting people up with the right amount of challenge is an important element of supporting motivation and effort.  But also within ourselves, having goals that stretch us to grow but don’t overwhelm ourselves is important.  When we have unrealistic expectations, we set in motion a chain of learned helplessness.  But when we acknowledge our successes, we reinforce the effort we put into getting there.  So, the next time you reach a goal and feel challenged at the idea of going further, remember that just by making a change you have reinforced the process and made it way more likely to keep it up.  So celebrate and acknowledge the effort it took to achieve your success.  Enjoy your hard work and it will make it easier to work hard again.  Now just look at you, you industrious little go getter!