Did you feel it?  Last night we “fell back.”  While I love the extra hour of sleep, I hate that it now gets dark so early.  As the days get shorter, it feels like I go to work in the dark and then get home in the dark.  And when I do get home, the lack of light makes me feel tired and unmotivated, feeling like its bed time rather than evening time.  It’s easier to curl up on the couch and watch tv than it is to go out for my hike or get to the gym.  I try to tell myself that 6 pm is the same time of day whether it’s summer or winter, but my energy levels seem to disagree. I just don’t have the discipline or motivation by day’s end.  Psychologists call this end of the day malaise the “ego depletion effect” and, compounded with the end of Daylight Savings Time, can wreak havoc on your ability to keep up with your good habit routines this winter.

Throughout our day we are faced with challenges and choices that demand our self control.  Such self management takes both cognitive and emotional energy, what we psychologists call ego strength.  When we drain our self control energy, or deplete it, it leaves us more vulnerable to giving in to temptations or making choices that require less effort or discipline.  The idea is that our self control energy is a limited resource, and so the more we are tasked to use it during the day, the less reserve of self control we have left over in the tank.  How often have you eaten well all day long and made good health choices (including resisting the box of donuts in the break room all day) only to “blow” it when you meet your friend after dinner and order the nachos with your margherita?  Or get pulled into a rerun of a show you’ve already seen three times rather than make it to your after work yoga class?

A variety of factors can influence how susceptible we are to ego depletion.  If you are under a lot of emotional distress, your energy will be depleted more quickly.  Trying something new takes more energy, and if you don’t like something or imagine it to be unpleasant, this can drain your energy quickly as well.  Physically, low blood sugar and pre-menstrual hormone changes can decrease your capacity for self control, too.  

Research has shown the effects of ego depletion in some common areas I’m sure you can relate to.  Besides sticking to a diet, overall decision making is affected by self control fatigue.  Shoppers tend to make poor or impulsive choices when they’re in a state of ego depletion.  Especially when faced with a large number of options, we’ll tend to just go with a brand name or grab the one with the lowest price without really considering the overall value.  Complexity easily overwhelms a depleted shopper leading to frustration.  Research also shows a lower level of physical stamina after completing a challenging mental task. And we are definitely more vulnerable to abusing alcohol or other substances when depleted, leading to a potential compounding of unhealthy behaviors. Not surprising, we are also less likely to help others when we’re depleted. People actually experience less feelings of emotional engagement when they’re depleted, which is often the motivator to engage in prosocial behavior.. (Best to ask for that favor in the morning, maybe.)

While ego depletion can sabotage your motivation and success, there are steps we can take to prevent it.  Improving your mood or outlook can shift your capacity for self control.  Researchers found that watching a comedic film raised participants’ reserves of self control energy.  In addition, a shift to looking at a big picture frame of mind was also positively associated with an increase in energy reserves.  Those who were able to step back and remind themselves of an overall goal rather than their feelings in the moment were less likely to be affected by ego depletion.  A useful tool was when participants were asked to review their core values.  Reminding yourself about what really matters helped re energize people toward their goal behaviors.  And of course, overall self care was an important factor.  Getting sufficient rest as well as eating balanced meals helped keep up people’s self control reserves.  If you’re depleted to start with, your tank will empty rather quickly.

Knowing about the tendency toward ego depletion can help us to be proactive in adjusting our surroundings or our schedule.  Perhaps it’s better to meet friends after work at a coffee shop rather than at a bar or at Cinnabon.  Or maybe it’s more helpful to go to the gym on the way home rather than hoping to have the energy to leave the house again once you’ve gotten home and turned on the Bachelor?  While I can’t control the amount of daylight that will be available at 6 pm on any given day, perhaps I can control when I get up and out the door.  Rumor has it you can walk in morning light just as easily as evening light.  Maybe my self control tank will still be full at 6 am!

Clock Changing Hack: A brilliant idea I just read! Wait until you have the best hour of your day and then change the clock back to have that hour over again! If you love reading the paper and sipping coffee, do another hour! If you just had a great afternoon nap, rest another hour.

Since in my last post I’d written about the benefits of silence, I’m going to balance it out by writing this post about the importance of speaking up.  Because, as a new book by the famed marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman shows, it turns out that little acts of acknowledgement can actually make a big difference in your relationship.  Simple everyday gestures that take but a single moment can actually be a key to a successful and happy partnership.  

Their most recent book The Love Prescription,  just out in late September,  is hot off the press.  In it, the Gottmans whittle down enormous amounts of data into seven prescriptions to what their 30 years of observing and predicting (with 90% accuracy) marriage success point to as the most powerful positive behaviors.  The very first one, which they indicate is the most helpful change you can make, highlights little gestures of responsiveness.  It’s all about acknowledging your partner’s effort to connect no matter how small.

Each day we initiate connections with our partners that can be physical, verbal, overt or subtle, such as sharing an article with them or rubbing their shoulders.  They can respond to these bids of connection in one of three ways.  The first is turning towards, in which our bid is responded to with a positive acknowledgement, affirming our attempt to connect.  The second response option is turning away, in which a partner gives no response, either actively ignoring or just not noticing our attempt to connect.  And the third way is to turn against, responding irritably or angrily in a way that actively shuts down the attempt to connect.  

In practice, how often you turn toward your partner when they offer a bid of connection, whether a lot or a little, really matters.  The Gottman’s research shows that couples who had later gotten divorced (within the 6 years they followed them) had a pattern of turning toward their partners only 33% of the time.  In contrast, the couples who stayed together had turned toward each other 86% of the time!  In psychological research, these types of data differences are enormous.  And the good news for couples is that this research finding offers a worthwhile and very achievable point of intervention.  By understanding the importance of these little moments that seem like nothing, that could go by unnoticed, we can become aware of responding in ways that are bonding.  “How people reacted to their partner’s bid for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability,” according to Gottman.  

What the Gottmans conclude is the importance of friendship in a relationship.  When you feel listened to and acknowledged on a daily basis, you create a foundation that can withstand conflicts.  You’re more willing and able to let go of potential arguments or grudges if you feel that overall your partner is there for you and sees you.  Over time, these attitudes build on each other.  If we’re feeling resentment, we’re more likely to ignore our partner’s bids of connection which serves to erode a relationship over time.  On the other hand, turning toward our partner can build up what the Gottman’s refer to as “deposits” in our relational “emotional bank.”  The more we can save up good moments, the more we have reserves of goodwill to withstand the inevitable misses or hurt feelings.

It seems so simple, right?  It is and it isn’t, as you can guess.  It takes effort to be more aware of your partner’s bids for connection, and a commitment to doing so by turning toward.  It can be as basic as lifting your head up from your phone when your partner says something to you or stopping what you are doing for a moment to listen and acknowledge the connection effort.  And when you can’t respond in that moment, it helps to share that you want to hear them, and do come back at a future point.

Here are some of the Gottman’s ideas for what to look for or to offer in making a bid for connection:  eye contact, a smile, a sigh, a direct ask for help or attention, saying good morning or good night, asking for a favor, reading something aloud to the other person, pointing something out, seeming sad or down, physically carrying something heavy by themselves (like groceries up 16 big stone front steps, by chance?), or seeming frustrated by something.  

Who would have thought that such little gestures could make such a big difference?  It makes it totally worth it to be on the look out for those little opportunities as they appear throughout your day. And the good news is that you don’t have to be perfect, you only need to score an 86% for lasting happiness!

I’m back seeing clients in my office at the Health Center again.  One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is how much I missed being able to be silent with someone.  For the past three years most of my work was done on the phone. “Are you there?” is what I would hear every time one of us was not speaking.  Even when connecting through video, the lack of talking was met with a puzzled look at the volume with a need to fill the space. While many of us are comfortable with silence while we are meditating or trying to be mindful about something, the art of silence within conversation is something to truly consider the benefits of.

It took years for me to learn the skill of a silent response.  At first it felt awkward and somehow rejecting or dismissive to the speaker.  But as I followed the advice of my supervisors, a restraint in response accompanied by a supportive nod with eye contact became a powerful tool.  What you will find when you give people the opportunity is that they will follow their own thought, rather than yours.  Without the interruption of having to listen to what I have to say, a person will further their idea or, and most interesting to us both, go deeper into a feeling or association.  Usually we start at the obvious and the safe when we begin to talk about a topic.  We tell a story or share a reflection and then shift to the other person’s perspective on what we have just shared when they respond to us.  And often the other person shares something about themselves, which leads us completely away from our own inner reflection.  And this is fine, and valuable, as it can lead us to feel connected, but it also may cut off the potential for deeper knowledge and intimacy.

In recent years, researchers are coming to show the value of silence not simply as an absence of noise, but as an important part of speech.  Of course the context of the silence defines its power and meaning. Constructive silence can further a conversation and destructive silence shuts it down (who hasn’t been given the dreaded silent treatment).  When provided with supportive silence, it can, at first, feel like a bit of pressure to our partner.  But if the listener can resist the temptation to rescue them from the slight awkwardness, what can be created is a listening space with the opportunity to deepen your understanding of the person you care about.  As with all matters of speech, silence can vary in its meaning in different cultures.  Generally research shows that eastern cultures value silence more than the use of words. Silence is often associated as a gesture of respect and honor. Within western cultures, often the opposite is true. 

Silence within conversations provides opportunities for people to process what’s being said.  Often misunderstandings happen because we jump to a conclusion or haven’t fully listened to what the other person has shared, as we’re already forming what we plan to say next. Silence can slow things down so we can make sure we have considered what has been said and what is being heard.  Offering a receptive silence makes the speaker feel valued, not hurried, and shows your interest in their follow up ideas.  It is an invitation to go on, with support, and is a gesture of acceptance.  There are times when even in response to a question, giving someone a moment to hear themselves say it out loud, a silent moment can help them realize they in fact know the answer or can benefit from exploring more about it.  Often our heads are filled with the opinions of others, especially when we’re making a decision or at a choice point in our lives.  Silence allows someone to separate from the voices of others to get in touch with how they feel about it.

I must admit, I’m having to relearn the discipline of offering silence.  It reminds me of times back in my training when I listened to tapes of myself with a client, how I’d cringe with how often, even though I thought I was listening empathically, I actually had interrupted someone with my deep seated desire to be helpful.  I am now reminding myself of that and instead taking a quiet breath.  And to my delight I am rediscovering the power of a quiet space for both of our inner reflection.  And to boot, I am less apt to say something I regret!

“Silence is sometimes the best answer”- Dalai Lama

I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful Quinceanera quite recently.  It was a gorgeous event with many meaningful traditions, including tear-inducing toasts and a father daughter dance.  But the moment that most stood out to me was actually the evening before.  We were at the hall setting up with a bustling group of people steaming linens, moving tables, and arranging decorations.  Our honored young woman walked in and the look on her face was priceless, taking in the love all around her of people coming together to honor and affirm her.  It really reminded me just then of how important it is to feel seen, valued, and that you belong to a tribe of people who celebrate who you are and who you are becoming.

A rite of passage is a ritual or experience that marks a major milestone or change in a person’s life.  Modern rites of passage include graduations, proms, in addition to weddings and religious ceremonies.  The events have in common a social frame to assist someone into a new stage of life.  They make the life change official, in a way, as witnessed by a supportive community who guides the individual and provides a source of comfort and participation.  The term “rites of passage” was coined by Arnold van Gennep, a French anthropologist, in 1909, who observed the role of ceremony as a way of helping ease people through social transitions.

Rites of passage are so powerful because they serve many roles.  They provide a sense of renewal as they mark a new phase of life beginning.  They also provide a strong sense of belonging as they are conducted by and within a particular community.  Rites of passage can also provide a link to our past selves (tissues, please, for the slide show!) and they can also connect us to our past ancestry. The ceremonies tend to be full of meaningful ritual that is passed from generation to generation and can allow us to feel a continuity of identity in a larger scheme of time.  The rules and rituals regarding how to dress, what traditions are followed, and even the setting of the day and time create a sacred space.  This separates it as a special time devoted to highlighting the transition as unique and special, demarcating it as out of the ordinary and worthy of respect.

I am also keenly aware, as I hadn’t been prior to being a parent, of how important a rite of passage is not only for the individual, but for the people who love them, as well.  It creates an opportunity to formally articulate both the person’s strengths and beauty and their place in a family and community that is both cherished and evolving.  One of my favorite parts of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is the concluding words of the parents addressed to their child.  Each is so unique, reflective of what that child has overcome and how they have stood out in a journey through childhood. A parent reflects on how their child has maintained continuity in their character, but also grown and changed in unpredictable and remarkable ways.  Rites of passage offer a time out to reflect on what is important and a vehicle through which this can be put into words and celebrated.  (I recall after each of my girls’ Bat Mitzvah other parents saying their child had said they wanted one as well, even if they weren’t Jewish!)

The loss of these beneficial opportunities during the pandemic restrictions was felt far and wide.  We did our best as communities to replace stadium graduations with virtual ceremonies and in person weddings with zoom ones, but I think we can all agree, they were not the same.  And in some ways, I think this is why it is even more important to maintain and provide opportunities for in person, real life rites of passage moving forward bringing people together.  Our young people are looking to social media for affirmation and a sense of belonging. The more we can provide a loving mirror to reflect and validate a young person’s strengths and provide a community that can hold and protect them along their journey of growth, the better it will be for all of us.  

In fact, it makes me think we need to find more ways to provide this all along the lifespan!  Why not have a ritual for turning 50!  Or a retirement ceremony that involves letting go of an old role and a transition to a new life order? We don’t need to make elaborate and expensive events or even invite many guests, but why not provide a sacred time honor our changes.  Besides, I learned a few good salsa steps at the Quinceanera that I just need to keep putting into action!

 

Okay, I have to confess. I’ve definitely not been my, shall we say, “best self” this week.  I’ve been cranky, lazy, and short tempered.  We don’t have air conditioning in my house and we’ve been under a prolonged “heat dome”  here in Northern California.  Usually I can make it through a day or two of 100 degrees maintaining my dignity, but as this heat wave has stretched on for a week, it’s definitely getting to me.  I’m thinking I’m not alone  as I’ve watched the temperatures soar in other parts of the country and all around the world this summer.  So to ease my conscience, I did a little poking around on the effect of heat on mental health.

Yup,  no surprise, heat effects it!  According to the American Psychiatric Association, the combination of the effects on our physical health and mental health is actually profound during a heat wave.  Emergency rooms quickly fill up with patients experiencing dehydration, delirium, and fainting.  Heat waves are also linked to a rise in depressive symptoms and anxiety.  There is also a link between daily high temperatures and suicide and suicide attempts.  For every 1 degree Celsius increase in monthly average temperature, mental health related deaths increase by 2.2%!  Spikes in relative humidity also result in a higher occurrence of suicide.  People who have bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia also are more prone to manic or psychotic episodes during times of increased heat, leading to more psychiatric hospitalizations.  Interestingly, the effectiveness of psychiatric drugs can be reduced when people are dehydrated, leading to changes in mood and functioning, as well.

Even those without a mental health disorder can have their mental health affected, including the ability to think and reason (hah, don’t I know it).  Research shows the areas of the brain responsible for framing and solving complex cognitive tasks are impaired by heat stress.  When people are not thinking clearly due to heat, it’s more likely they will become frustrated, which in turn, leads to a higher likelihood of aggression.  There is strong evidence linking extreme heat to violent crime.  Even just a one or two degree celsius increase in temperature can lead to a 3- 5% spike in assaults.  Episodes of domestic violence jump during heat waves.  

There are several things that may be underlying these changes.  Research shows that there is a complex interaction of psychological, social, and biological factors.  For instance, a brain chemical called serotonin, which regulates mood and is involved in keeping levels of aggression in check, is affected by high temperatures.  When it is hot, people tend to increase their use of alcohol and this can contribute to poor judgment or impulsive behavior.  Most people can’t sleep well when it’s hot, which also has a strong effect on people’s mood and judgment.  Over a period of days the lack of sleep can compound, making people prone to accidents and cloudy thinking.  And of course, certain people are more vulnerable to heat than others, due to occupations, living circumstances, stress levels, and hormones.  In a study by Obradovich and Paulus, the authors found that those with lower incomes were more effected by heat and women experienced worse effects than men.  Combined, they found that the effect of heat on mental health was twice as bad for low-income women as it was for high income men.  

Obviously it’s so important to protect yourself as best as possible during a heat wave, including staying hydrated and avoiding the heat exposure as much as possible.  But some good news?  Research shows a powerful protective effect when people are looking out for other people.  Neighbors checking in on neighbors and community care opportunities, like gathering at libraries or cooling centers, had a significant positive impact on reducing mental and physical health crises in both children and adults.  One piece of advice, though, from my own experience?  I welcome the caring, but just don’t get too close!

Not so long ago I wrote a post regarding “eco-anxiety,” the distress related to worries about the effect of climate change.  It felt good to have a name for the worry I was becoming more aware of in relation to the changes in the Earth’s temperatures.  But since then, I have increasingly questioned the notion of eco-anxiety as not quite right for expressing what I feel.  In watching the news I see images of intense drought, the spread of wildfires and flooding, and the setting of record temperatures all over the world and I’m sad, angry, and overwhelmed.  I also feel more than just anxiety when I go to Lake Sonoma, the lake my family has boated on for years, and see the drop to levels that were unthinkable in previous years, limiting our ability to access many parts of the landscape.  And when I look out our window to the view that is scarred by wildfire and the panorama of dead and dying trees, I feel a heartache, knowing the landscape will most likely never be the same, at least in my lifetime.  The term “anxiety” implies a worry beyond what is actual and likely.  But what I am seeing and experiencing all around me are indeed real consequences, not just worries, classifying them as actual threats and lived trauma.  So in doing some research about what others think, I came across a term and a resource that I wanted to share, as it represents an evolution in our understanding and coping with the physical and psychological effects of global warming.

In 2019, the Australian environmental researcher and philosopher Glenn A. Albrecht coined the term solastalgia, which was based on the words solace (that which gives comfort) and algos (Greek for pain).  He explained that if we seek solace in a much loved place that is being devastated, we suffer distress.  The pain is a form of devastation, deprivation, or abandonment.  He noted that invasive changes to our home or land are felt as an attack on one’s sense of place and belonging.  Nostalgia refers to a homesickness we feel for our own home, while solastalgia refers to a homesickness we feel in our own home.  While solastalgia has been felt for centuries by many cultures, the increasingly chaotic climate has intensified the conditions for solastalgia with the loss to cultures of their traditional ways and the irreversible loss and changes to home environments.  Solastalgia incorporates the concern as well as distress caused by environmental change and natural disasters that can lead to a disruption in a person’s sense of security, sense of belonging, and identity.  While the experience of solastalgia varies by individual circumstances, it often includes a sense of helplessness, loss, chronic emptiness, anger, and hopelessness.  In addition, these feelings are usually there for the long haul, ebbing and flowing, but consistently present.  The chronic stress and despair of experiencing adverse environmental disruption causes the emotional trauma characterized by solastalgia, which can feel especially daunting, relentless, or hopeless for many people.

Solastalgia is particularly hard to find relief from, as typically the causes are all around us and what might serve as a source of comfort or refuge (your home or community) is disrupted or damaged.  But putting a name to our struggles and understanding what we are experiencing is an important start in coping and healing.  It is also very helpful in addressing the effects of solastalgia to connect with a community.  Often, hearing how others are experiencing what we are feeling eases a sense of disconnection and isolation.  In addition, it helps engage one another in empowering ideas and actions that can help the paralysis we can experience from the overwhelm.

One inspiring resource I found in my research regarding solastalgia is a relatively new organization inspired by a desire to come together to cope with the feelings of distress brought about by climate change.  Good Grief Network is a non-profit organization that “brings people together to metabolize collective grief, eco-distress and other heavy emotions that arise in response to daunting planetary crises.”  Their mission is to gather in community, process the painful feelings and realities of our time, and commit to meaningful action.  They accomplish this through online and in person 10 week groups designed and facilitated in a 10 step process.  According to their website, 95% pf GGN participants report feeling less isolated and helped them feel empowered to take action in their community.  GGN is a global organization with virtual meetings accommodating time zones and languages.  The link to the website is: https://www.goodgriefnetwork.org/.

We are beyond prevention when it comes to climate change and this can lead to despair and frustration.  But reconnecting to our love of the Earth is important as we still can make changes and advocate for political and corporate policies that will matter for us and for our children.  Our relationship to our land and environment is critical in the present for our quality of life and sense of connection and well being.  In the long run, Mother Earth will endure, but what is at stake is our own relationship with her.  I love this quote as a closing, by the wise Thich Nhat Hanh:  Once we accept the impermanence of our civilization with peace, we will be liberated from our fear.  Only then will we have the strength, awakening, and love we need to bring us together. Cherishing our precious Earth – falling in love with the Earth – is not an obligation.  It is a matter of personal and collective happiness and survival.

We live in a culture of MORE: do more, be more, have more, and earn more.  Tips on how to be more productive and accomplish more in a day sell so many books and grab our attention to click on a whole lot of links.  We seem to have a collective resistance to slowing down, and God forbid, stopping, as we fear we will be left behind.  But the truth is, as so many experts have concluded, rest is essential to our well being and our long term success. And frantic busyness without good planning and goal setting can leave us burned out.  So in today’s post, I  share with you an important equation for success, combining intentional activity that challenges us followed by time to step back for rest and reflection:   STRESS + REST = GROWTH.

In his books, Peak Performance and The Passion Paradox, Brad Stulberg examines the relationship between hard work and rest.  He follows the work of some of the world’s top performers in the areas of athletics, art, and business and finds a common pathway to continued development.  Truly successful and happy people take on challenges that push them in a way that is exciting and also uncomfortable.  Without the stress of the challenge they wouldn’t have the motivation to press themselves to see what more they are capable of.  But after the stress, they step back to recuperate and reflect on what they have done.  Most everyone finds it a delicate balance.  Too much stress and you risk burnout, injury, or illness.  Not enough stress and you get complacency and boredom.

Research shows that both the body and the brain respond to stress by becoming stronger.  Choosing challenges that are just outside our current ability is optimal as we can apply ourselves and see progress.  Sometimes we set a bar too high, and then we end up with frustration and fatigue as we feel too overwhelmed and see our efforts as failures.  But then comes the part that takes real courage.  Taking a break.  Matt Dixon, coach of world class athletes writes, “Anyone can work their asses off.  But it takes real courage to rest.”  When you see everyone around you working hard and staying endlessly busy, it’s easy to feel you should be doing the same.  But ultimately, stress without rest leads to burn out and break down.  Physiologically, when we rest is when our bodies do repairative work.  Both our brains and our bodies rebuild and strengthen when we rest and when we sleep.  For our bodies, hormones such as testosterone and HGH are released when we rest.  Our muscle fibers regrow and strengthen on our off-days of physical exertion.  For our minds, when we give it time to wander, we can become more creative.  Our subconscious has the freedom and space to come up with insights and interrelationships.  

Ever wonder why your best ideas come when you are riding your bike or taking a shower?  In fact, Lin Manuel Miranda, creator of the musical Hamilton, notes, “A good idea doesn’t come when you’re doing a million things.  The good ideas come in the moment of rest…It comes when you’re doodling or playing trains with your son.  It’s when your mind is on the other side of things.”  Stepping away from your stress is important in order to get perspective as well.  When we are too close to a problem we often can’t see the big picture and can get lost in a detail that ultimately holds us back or we stay loyal to a path that may be leading us away from our goal rather than closer to it.  Rest is additive to stress in order to achieve growth.

People have such a hard time allowing themselves to rest because they associate it with doing nothing. I frequently find myself telling people, and myself, that “rest IS an activity.”  In fact, good rest requires a lot of effort, to NOT look at your phone, NOT check your emails, and NOT just fit in that one task or errand.  Good rest requires our full attention to ourselves in the moment and staying in the present.  And so now when you feel guilty for resting you can think of the equation for growth, reminding yourself that while you are relaxing, indeed, you are actually very busy working hard to reach your goal!

I can’t draw, can’t paint, and good heavens, can’t sculpt. So in an effort to do something creative, I’ve recently taken to woodturning.  There’s something magical to me about taking a tool to a square block of wood and watching a bowl emerge.  The fresh smell of the green wood, the gentle spray of the released moisture, and the soft hum of the shavings peeling from the log create a sensory experience that is both satisfying and, for me, profoundly soothing.  Except when it isn’t.  Because, as in any craft, woodturning is really really hard to do and beginners must endure some pretty humbling attempts.  But in the process of learning I’ve discovered a metaphor that I’m finding useful to apply as a life lesson.  I share it with you today as I prepare for my next class in turning and changing.

Skilled woodturners can use the edge of their tool with such skill, they create deep and efficient cuts with little effort.  In fact, the learning process of turning is how to find the right angle that allows the sharpened edge to ride the grain of the wood, maximizing the cut with precision and minimal resistance.  You hold the tool as the lathe begins to turn and feel for the angle, much like I imagine a surfer does when catching a wave.  Find that right connection, and like magic, the blade rides along the wood creating a long tail of shavings with an almost effortless pressure on the part of the turner.  It takes a lot of patience to feel for that right angle, especially as a beginner.  Your instinct is to push when you are eager to make the cut.  But applying pressure, especially when the angle is wrong, only causes you to catch the blade on the wood, creating a loud cracking sound and a big divot in your piece.  Not only does it feel awful, as the tool kicks back at you, sound horrible, with an awful jolting noise, but a “catch”, as it is called, tends to make everyone in the shop turn and look at you!  

It makes sense that the first step in making an effective cut, then, is to take a deep breath, exhale, and relax your body.  (Thanks Jerry Kermode, my first teacher).  It feels counterintuitive, as your instinct is to want to lean in with pressure.  But the more anxious you are, the more rigid your body, the more you are likely to force a cut and catch the edge on your piece, leading to potential disaster.  And this feels like a familiar pattern to me, in many areas of life.  When I want something to happen, I push at it.  The more anxious I am about it, the harder I press.  Even when I can feel the approach is wrong, I get panicky and dig in.  But sometimes, trying harder is not the right answer.  Sometimes it’s best to take a step back, breathe, and look for a better angle.

The best example for me is in relationships.  When I feel misunderstood, I can be reactive.  I get activated and push back, sometimes causing the other person to become defensive.  Then in response to their defensiveness, I push harder and in essence double down. Rather than bringing me closer to the other person, in reality my feeling of being misunderstood only grows. Except now I feel misunderstood and self righteous.  None of it helps me get to my ultimate goal of feeling more connected to the person I care about.

I do believe these are the times when taking a deep breath is probably what is most needed.  When we find ourselves tense and activated, we become reactive rather than thoughtful.  We miss opportunities to go with the flow of a situation and risk having it turn out in ways that are actually not what we want or intend.  But it takes great awareness to fight the instinct to push hard on something we care about and discipline to pull back from it.  But a wise life craftsman has the experience to know that backing off and waiting for the right approach is most often far more effective.  And it also lowers our risk of “catching” and having everyone turn as they hear our mistake!  (Yes, that was me cursing at my laptop at the coffee shop. Darn thing never listens.).

For many years I’ve read about the benefits of mindfulness and meditation.  I truly believe it works and know people who swear by it.  I even recommend it to the people I work with, encouraging them to download apps to practice.  But to be honest, truth be told, I can’t get myself to do it.  I try, but it just doesn’t seem to stick.  I’ve even joined all  kinds of yoga classes and walking meditation groups, but it’s just never something I choose to do without forcing myself.  What is wrong with me, I wonder?  (Besides being a hypocrite).  And then as I read an article in a psychology journal, the answer seemed so simple.  According to research, maybe I just need something more fun!

For many people the idea of dancing is down right scary.  The self consciousness takes away any fun they might experience.  But research shows that if we can get past the awkwardness, dancing can be a more effective tool than meditation, yoga, or other forms of exercise for lowering stress levels and increasing a sense of well being.  In fact, there is evidence that human culture evolved through dance and that dancing is hardwired into our brains.  Cave drawings show evidence of people dancing over 7,000 years ago! And three week old babies show evidence that they can begin to sync up their movements to the beat of music played around them.  We seem to naturally find pleasure and joy in dancing, if only our embarrassment didn’t get in the way.  We are all dancers, it seems, but we truly differ in how comfortable we are with letting ourselves express it.

So here are a few reasons to give it a try.  Dancing combines several activities that each alone are good for our health – exercising, listening to music, and connecting with other people.  In one study, participants spent 90 minutes either doing hatha yoga, African dance or listening to a biology lecture (ok, was that a fair comparison?).  Results showed that both yoga and dance helped significantly reduce stress and negative emotions.  But only the dance participants had an increase in positive emotions. Other studies comparing various forms of exercise and mindfulness with dance classes also show the superior benefit of dance.  Participants in these studies seemed to consistently describe the feeling of creativity and excitement that emerged from the dance experience.  They also describe feeling more confident and energized.  One study even collected saliva samples and found that the dancer group had the largest drop in cortisol levels, the biological basis to the experienced reduction in stress.

Dance seems to transport us into a state of flow where we forget about our troubles and regulate our biological systems.  It opens us up to emotional experiences through the music and helps us to get in touch with our bodies in a playful way.  It brings people together and fosters a sense of connection and belonging.  There is something tribal and simple about moving your body in sync with a beat surrounded by other people.  Dance also seems to have good results as a treatment for depression and anxiety in many studies.  Meta analysis of the benefits for dance consistently show that the dance study participants came to associate their dance class with both a social and a physical effect that lifted their spirits.  In other words, it was fun!

Proof in concept?  In one of the studies, a group of 100 people with depression were split them into three groups.  One group learned tango, the other practiced mindfulness, and the third group was on a wait list.  Results showed that both mindfulness and tango helped lower depression levels compared to the waitlist group.  But at the completion of the study, when researchers asked participants if they wanted vouchers to continue either the mindfulness class or the tango class, guess what?  Over 97% of the participants chose the dance lessons!  Make it fun…and they will come.  Now maybe I can find a dance app to replace my meditation one. Or shut the door, pull the curtains, and schedule a dance party with myself where noone can see me!

My heart feels heavy this July 4th.  Our nation, which I love so dearly, feels at a perilous time in both the faith in and functioning of its democratic institutions.  Reproductive rights and gun legislation are out of step with the majority of American public opinion.  Our Nation’s Capital was attacked based on lies by politicians motivated solely by holding on to power, no matter the cost.  The people of our country are so divided, the promise of a melting pot protected by founding principles of freedom and liberty for all at times rings hollow.  And yet, thousands die in desperate attempts, leaving behind and risking their all, to find sanctuary here with the hope of a better future for their children.

As I work to process all the change that is happening, my mind often hits a point of overwhelm at the realization of how absurd and abstract a society really is.  The pain and suffering that so many experience in the separation of who is privileged and who is oppressed are all based on ideas.  Abstract, arbitrary ideas.  So much of what we are bound and determined by are just concepts that people made up and continue to believe in – money, beauty, citizenship, who are our enemies, and what defines success. At its essence, the basis of every society are values and opinions shaped by those with the cultural entitlements of authority and power.

And yet, these ideas have the most profound impacts.  We live by them and we die for them.  We are provided safety under them and we go to war over them.  It is only through them that we can maintain a functional civilized order that enables institutions to uncover truths, solve problems, and of utmost importance, reflect on itself.  

As I think of the long arc of the moral universe that Martin Luther King, Jr had such faith in bending toward justice, I am heartened by the power of what fair laws and the ideas behind them can actually do.  The Civil Rights Act of 1964 is such an important example of how critical legislation is for change.  Recently, Title IX had its 50th anniversary.  We still struggle with the implementation of the many rights protected under these laws, such as voting, public education, housing, fair trials, and other forms of freedom, but without the codified law prohibiting discrimination, we would have no foundation for the ongoing pressure needed for justice’s bending.

During the many opportunities I’ve had in driving across these United States I am never at a loss to find beauty.  I am in awe as I contemplate how these canyons, valleys, and mountain ranges dwarf our society in their power and in their longevity.  It seems a bit comical to think that what “We, the People” covet and define as “our America” has not always been and will not always be.  Plate tectonic scientists agree that our planet has manifested at least seven versions of a supercontinent long before us. And our countries and continents will surely unite again in a far distant future.  But here we are for now, a nation defined as this particular region at this particular point in time.  And with this, the color of our skin, our gender identity and sexuality, the religion we practice, the social and economic status of our parents, will all have enormous implications for our well being solely based upon this great intersection of place and time and the ideas and values that manifest there.

I am tremendously grateful for being born a US citizen in this era.  I can vote, I can choose to marry who I please, and I can achieve my educational and professional goals.    I aspire to remember and celebrate all who have fought for justice so that I may have these privileges. Because I take none of this for granted, I am also so keenly aware of the opposite possibility and the fragility of freedom in the hands of authority. We must all share in the responsibility to participate in and uphold our democratic principles and demand accountability to the protection of equality and opportunity for all.

I consider myself a patriot who dearly loves this country:  Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.  And as with any great love, there are times you must bask in and celebrate its beauty and uniqueness.  But at other times, you must do more than merely sing of it, particularly because you hold it so dear.