I always find it challenging when I’m asked for advice from someone who wants to be helpful to someone they care about who’s struggling.  It’s such a natural and wonderful thing to want to be a support to someone, but there’s often a fine line between being supportive of someone you care about and enabling them without intending.   Often, if unhealthy behavior is involved, the helper’s actions may be potentially contributing to the situation they seek to ameliorate.  It’s so easy to lose perspective when love is involved.  So this week, given several questions that came up over the past couple of weeks, I decided to step back a bit and gain a broader perspective on how to bring awareness to the difference between enabling and supportive helping behavior.

Especially as a parent you’re faced with a constant and never ending series of choices about when to step in and when to hold back.  Should I let them cry themselves to sleep or pick them up?  Should I talk to their teacher or let it go?  Do I lend them money or do I let them figure it out on their own?  It’s so hard to see someone we care about suffer and it feels so natural to want to lend a hand when we can.   The question that comes up in most literature delineating the line between helping and enabling is the  effect of the longer term consequence of the helping gesture.  Is the helping gesture going to keep someone from being able to grow and be accountable for themselves in the long run or is it a step to help them move forward toward this freedom?  Simply stated, supporting or helping includes assistance with things that a person is incapable of doing for themselves or doing things that help facilitate them gaining control of their behaviors and life.  Enabling on the other hand, is behavior that keeps someone from dealing with the negative consequences of their action, therefore giving the impression that their behavior is somehow acceptable or will be successful in the long term.  For example, a parent who lets a child skip school when they haven’t finished an assignment because they started too late is enabling.  Calling in sick for your partner when they have a hangover is also enabling.  

Enablers often try to solve the problem for the people they are trying to help, believing they are doing something good for them.  Unfortunately, in doing so, they keep the person from learning how to own and conquer the situation, which would build skills, esteem, and resilience. Enabling tends to encourage a negative dynamic in relationships, wherein the person being helped becomes dependent and both parties become resentful.  When a helping behavior is enabling, it tends to perpetuate and keep a stagnant situation stuck, whereas supportive behavior helps to move someone toward greater freedom.

Of course, every person is different and every situation is unique, which makes it so tricky to be sure if what you are doing is helping or hurting.  It may help to ask yourself some clarifying questions to evaluate your intention with the effect of your behavior.  A yes to any of these questions may indicate a need to take a closer look at the results versus hope of your behavior. One question to ask yourself is if you find yourself making excuses for someone, such as “he’s had some bad luck lately” or “it’s just hard for her right now?”  Another question is if you have a feeling that the behavior you are seeing is unhealthy or irresponsible, below what is normal to expect from someone of the person’s age or from their peers?  Have you lied for someone or justified the behavior to others who express concern or question if the situation is healthy if it continues?  Have you kept your helping behavior secret because you sense others would disapprove? And finally, do you avoid talking about the situation directly, but secretly hope that things will change or are you afraid to bring up the situation for fear of the person’s negative reactions?

Most people who come to realize that they are, in fact, enabling, initially started out with firmer boundaries and good intentions.  Over time, the avoidance and or giving in to someone’s requests began to become a habit or expected.  At this point, it becomes hard to undo the situation without feeling you are being too harsh or unrealistic.  But to keep enabling is actually doing more harm in the long run for both of you.  Loving someone means wanting what is best for them.  Often what is best for us in the long run takes sacrifice and short term struggles to obtain.  When we protect someone from the consequences of their poor choices, we rob them of the opportunity for learning and growth. We also give them the message that we don’t believe they can accomplish what is hoped for or expected. 

Healthy and appropriate support is empowering rather than enabling.  It should bring pride and a sense of teamwork and increasing responsibility.  But this can mean setting clear expectations that feel uncomfortable at first.  “Tough love” can sometimes be tougher on the person giving it rather than receiving.  That’s why it’s good to have support in finding balance in a relationship you feel is unhealthy.  It’s easy to get lost in your emotional connection to someone you love and your desire to protect them from the consequences of poor choices.  But good help supports someone in the long term and allows them to be proud of who they are and what they do.  Being a supporter instead of an enabler does not mean you lack empathy, love, or concern.  It just means, as the old adage instructs us, that better than feeding someone is to teach them to fish. Ok, and maybe buying them a fishing pole is all right, too?  And some bait? And a making them a snack?

HAPPY NEW YEAR and thank you for reading my meanderings!!!

The winter solstice is coming this week and it brings me relief during what is often a difficult time for me.  The anniversary of my sister’s passing approaches and the losses of other family members hits me deeply during the holiday time of traditions.  The darkness brings with it a solemnity I often actually appreciate, but too much can be overwhelming.  That is why the solstice is a welcome tipping point, as I know that the days will be getting longer, minute by minute, day by day.  This pleasant sensation got me thinking about how important it is to have hope and the power of hope as a psychological tool to withstand those inevitable periods of darkness.

In doing a little research on the psychology of hope, I came to realize that hope is very different from mere wishful thinking.  According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary of psychological terminology (yes, there is one) hope is “the expectation that one will have positive experiences or that a potentially threatening or negative situation will not materialize or will ultimately result in a favorable state of affairs.”  Hope in psychological literature has been described as a character strength; a component of motivation that is critical to goal attainment; a mechanism that facilitates coping with loss, illness, or other significant stresses.  In other words, hope is an active state of mind or an attitude that involves, as one researcher put it, a blend of optimism and willpower.  According to Charles Snyder, a researcher in the area of positive psychology, hope involves a belief that the future will be better than the present and that you have the ability to make it happen.

There are both psychological and physical benefits to experiencing hope.  Higher levels of hope are consistently linked to better outcomes regarding mental health, physical health, academics, athletics, and even psychotherapy.  In one large study of over 13,000 people, high hopers (my term) reported more positive emotions, a stronger sense of purpose and meaning, less loneliness, lower risk of death by all causes, lower cancer risk, and fewer sleep problems.  It makes sense, though, doesn’t it?  If you feel hopeful, it makes it worth the effort to take care of yourself and engage with the world.  But  if you feel there is no hope for a good outcome, why do anything?  And the more you do nothing, the more it reinforces that things are going to stay the way they are.  And this is the exact nature of depression, most often characterized by a sense of hopelessness.

When people lose hope, it often feels that the only way out is suicide.  I frequently hear from very depressed people that they don’t want to die, they just feel there is no hope of feeling better.  The groups of people most at risk for suicide are young people and older people, particularly men.  Research shows that young people, especially when depressed, cannot see past their own pain in the moment.  They do not have the life perspective or cognitive development to understand that life has ebbs and flows and that a future holds the possibility of more control and opportunity.  And older men tend to view life as having passed them by, feeling like a burden, especially as they tend to isolate and become disconnected.  The link between hope and a sense of control is important to highlight.  People of all ages who are oppressed often lose a sense of hope because they have no power to change things and are robbed of a sense that they will gain this power in any way in the future.

Want to know a hopeful thing about hope, though?  It can be learned and nurtured.  Because hope is an attitude and a state of mind, it can be encouraged and even taught.  As a therapist, when I first start working with someone who feels hopeless, especially if they are suicidal, the first step is to give them some hope that the work we do will have some benefit.  For those long entrenched in depression, there are times when I have to hold the hope for them, and ask them to trust me.  We work together to identify what is most important to them and how they might connect to this in some way.  Often people have shut down to trying because they feel like everything they have done has failed.  We start small, with little bits of success, that build on each other day by day.  It can often be the small things that help us slowly reconnect them to a sense of agency and control.  Over time, we work to allow them to see their importance and value separate from outcome and achievement.  Often in this process connecting with other people and with a sense of awe is vital.  Awe reminds us of something bigger and vast, allowing us to connect to the world in a deeper way.

And maybe that is why I cherish the winter solstice so much.  It feels like a living metaphor that validates how just a minute each day can lead to a big change over time.  It also brings me a sense of awe as I consider the cycles of time and seasons that I can rely on each year that are way bigger than me. It is a living embodiment of “this too shall pass.”  Hope is a powerful state of mind.  It is not delusional or wishful thinking.  It is an active attitude that helps us persevere even though we know tough times are coming or are upon us.  Hope reminds us that we can move through something difficult and pursue greater possibilities.  Hope is the fuel for the engine that lifts us up out of despair.  

This holiday season, give the gift of hope to yourself or someone you care about.  If you need it, please reach out to someone to help support you.  And if you notice someone in despair, reach out to them to offer connection.  The worst combination is hopelessness and isolation.  Shared goals and empathic caring are the sparks that light our hope and brighten our spirits during the darkest of days.

After  a long day at work I had to stop at the store on my way home to get some food for dinner.  When I got to the check out, the line was so long it overflowed into the aisle.   “Just great,” I thought, and I’m sure it showed on my face.  I grumbled, sighed, and had not so nice thoughts about the slow pace of the checkers.  But as I stewed in my impatience, I began to notice the woman a few people behind me in line.  She was chatting it up with people around her, sharing with anyone who would listen about her good fortune to win a gift card that she was using to buy her cart full of groceries.  She was so grateful and the joy in her appreciation penetrated my sour demeanor.  By the time I returned to my car I was smiling and feeling appreciative to this woman for my new perspective.

Finding happiness in another person’s happiness is what social scientists call “freudenfreude,” a German term that describes the good feeling we experience when someone else has success, even if it doesn’t directly affect us.  Freudenfreude works like social glue, making relationships more intimate and enjoyable.  Empathy researchers, like Erika Weisz from Harvard, have found that besides just the benefit of a positive mood, freudenfreude can foster resilience, improve life satisfaction, and help people overcome depression and enhance their relationships.But if feeling happy for other people’s success is so positive, why does it often seem difficult?  One reason is that we tend to be raised in a culture that values competition and status.  If winning is paired with self worth, it might feel threatening to see other people as winners, making us “losers.”  In fact, the opposite of freudenfreude is a more well known German term,  Schadenfreude, which refers to the pleasure we feel while witnessing someone else’s misfortune.   Do you ever see the traffic on the other side of the highway backed up in a bumper to bumper jam and somehow feel a sense of superiority?  Or enjoy the bliss of seeing your rival team blow their lead and lose an important game?  Shadenfreude is a quick fix short cut to feeling good about ourselves.  While it is a natural human response at times, research shows that over time, indulging in too much shadenfreude lowers your self esteem.

The good news is that freudenfreude is like a muscle and  can be strengthened.  Dr. Emily Chambliss at Ursinus College has developed a training program to do just that.  She and her colleagues developed FET (Freudenfreude Training Program) featuring specific joy sharing exercises.  They found that research subjects of depressed college students improved their mood and social connection in just two weeks of using FET.  One FET practice they refer to is “SHOY,” or sharing joy.  When you see or engage with someone who is happy about something, ask them about it, find out the details of both what happened and how they got there.  Viewing individual happiness or success as a communal experience or effort is a way of elevating everyone.  No one gets to the top alone, and when we elevate others, we’re often carried along with them, especially when we can share credit for our success with others.  To further this, another FET exercise is called “bragitude.”  Share your good news with someone who helped you gain your success by expressing gratitude.  For example, let your friend know that her recommendation to a restaurant for a special night made a big difference for the evening.  As Dr. Chambliss describes, bragitude is like sharing dessert, both parties enjoy the sweetness.

While it’s true for most of us that misery does love company,  it can also lead to more misery.  If we learn the lesson of freudenfreude, joy also loves company if we are looking for it.  Asking about other people’s success or good news is a way of showing empathy, connection, and cultivating good feelings.  Flexing your freudenfreude not only makes it stronger, but just saying the silly word can make you smile.  Really, just try to say “freudenfreude” ten times to your partner and see how much joy you can share!

For me, memories of Thanksgiving will always include the humming sound of the microwave.  My dear mother was so anxious about getting the food prepared, she cooked and baked everything ahead of time so that on the morning of the holiday, all that was left to do was “defrost.”  I often joke that while other families enjoyed the sweet smell of cranberries simmering on the stove and the aromas of pumpkin pies browning in the oven, our sensory experience was the repetitive “dinging” sound of a timer.  But truth be told, all these years later, I miss that sound.  And I appreciate all the work it took to bring our family together; grandparents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins, all sitting at the same table.  Yes, we had our fair share of family drama, maybe more than our fair share, but thanks to my mother, once a year we broke zucchini bread together, played the “turkey bowl” football game on the frozen grass, and sat next to the fire to warm up.  Now that I live far away and so many of our family is no longer with us, I recognize with true gratitude the role of such a family event in defining and affirming our particular cast of characters as our “family” tribe.

Especially as a therapist, I do appreciate that families are complex and often dysfunctional (you might say that family drama is my job security).  Somehow the moment we walk through the door of a family gathering, we regress to being that little girl who was left out or the little boy who was criticized.  It is exactly because our families matter so much to us that we feel vulnerable to their opinions and so want to be included.   When it comes to family gatherings it’s easy to let fear or anxiety get in the way of enjoying ourselves and being present.  We walk in the door with expectations and sometimes create self fulfilling prophecies by focusing our attention on perceived threats or slights from the past.  It’s common to lose sight of the big picture when you feel on guard and have to protect yourself.

Like many things in life, being prepared can help.  Before you attend a family gathering, think through how you would like it to be and what you might be able to do to keep yourself in a supportive state of mind.  Enlist the help of a partner if you can, perhaps a spouse or sibling, or even a friend who you might bring along to shift the dynamics.  Have a plan for when you notice yourself losing your calm.  Can you go for a walk, look at the flower arrangement, or help with a task?  Setting the table or even doing some dishes can be a way to get a time-out when dealing with a challenging person.  And don’t go in hungry.  Since we know we’re going to indulge, we often come to events with low blood sugar, which sets us up for a shorter fuse than usual.  Also, focus on the positives.  Are there people you would like to catch up with, music you would find soothing, or a family member you would like to get to know better?  Be proactive in pursuing your own interests and instead of reacting to the negative, be in search of what potential there is for positives  Asking questions is a good way to control the conversation.  Come prepared with a few ideas for some things that you would like to know about that would keep things in a pleasant direction.  Most people like it when you ask about their lives or their interests.  It could be as simple as their favorite holiday tradition or memory or their preferred pie or side dish.  The point is, it’s not the content of the conversation that matters, but the effort at connection.

And if worse comes to worse and some family members resort to unpleasant dynamics, such as mocking, being sarcastic, or belittling, remind yourself it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Somewhere in their life they feel powerless and are trying to assert control or power.  Give yourself permission to detach from the interaction and remember it’s not your job to take care of them or even to deal with them. Simply thank them for their advice or ideas and change the topic. Or if needed, excuse yourself and find a more rewarding activity.  (Puzzles are great for this.)

No matter how weird or unpleasant your family can be at times, they’re your family and so they matter.  Having a mindset to embrace the beauty of family in all its messiness can be a framework to help you through a gathering.  You may not agree with them or even like some of them, but you are bonded to them.  Make eye contact, play with the kids, ask meaningful questions about their lives, give a compliment, offer to help and, whenever possible, laugh. The more you can choose gratitude, the less likely you will be pulled into a negative spiral.  The more you can accept what is and not try to judge it, the more potential there is for appreciation.  Relationships do not have to be perfect or even close to perfect for them to be meaningful.

The love I have for my family is more important than being comfortable.  And as I look back on the many years my mother did her best to shop, clean, cook, and defrost in order for us to gather together, I’m so grateful.  Even if I will never love, or even like, cranberry sauce from a can, I hold my mother’s love in my heart.  It was a huge burden on her to provide for so many of us unruly and probably not grateful enough people.  Yet year after year she did it, not only to keep up our traditions, but also to make sure we knew we all belonged together in her, our, family.

Did you feel it?  Last night we “fell back.”  While I love the extra hour of sleep, I hate that it now gets dark so early.  As the days get shorter, it feels like I go to work in the dark and then get home in the dark.  And when I do get home, the lack of light makes me feel tired and unmotivated, feeling like its bed time rather than evening time.  It’s easier to curl up on the couch and watch tv than it is to go out for my hike or get to the gym.  I try to tell myself that 6 pm is the same time of day whether it’s summer or winter, but my energy levels seem to disagree. I just don’t have the discipline or motivation by day’s end.  Psychologists call this end of the day malaise the “ego depletion effect” and, compounded with the end of Daylight Savings Time, can wreak havoc on your ability to keep up with your good habit routines this winter.

Throughout our day we are faced with challenges and choices that demand our self control.  Such self management takes both cognitive and emotional energy, what we psychologists call ego strength.  When we drain our self control energy, or deplete it, it leaves us more vulnerable to giving in to temptations or making choices that require less effort or discipline.  The idea is that our self control energy is a limited resource, and so the more we are tasked to use it during the day, the less reserve of self control we have left over in the tank.  How often have you eaten well all day long and made good health choices (including resisting the box of donuts in the break room all day) only to “blow” it when you meet your friend after dinner and order the nachos with your margherita?  Or get pulled into a rerun of a show you’ve already seen three times rather than make it to your after work yoga class?

A variety of factors can influence how susceptible we are to ego depletion.  If you are under a lot of emotional distress, your energy will be depleted more quickly.  Trying something new takes more energy, and if you don’t like something or imagine it to be unpleasant, this can drain your energy quickly as well.  Physically, low blood sugar and pre-menstrual hormone changes can decrease your capacity for self control, too.  

Research has shown the effects of ego depletion in some common areas I’m sure you can relate to.  Besides sticking to a diet, overall decision making is affected by self control fatigue.  Shoppers tend to make poor or impulsive choices when they’re in a state of ego depletion.  Especially when faced with a large number of options, we’ll tend to just go with a brand name or grab the one with the lowest price without really considering the overall value.  Complexity easily overwhelms a depleted shopper leading to frustration.  Research also shows a lower level of physical stamina after completing a challenging mental task. And we are definitely more vulnerable to abusing alcohol or other substances when depleted, leading to a potential compounding of unhealthy behaviors. Not surprising, we are also less likely to help others when we’re depleted. People actually experience less feelings of emotional engagement when they’re depleted, which is often the motivator to engage in prosocial behavior.. (Best to ask for that favor in the morning, maybe.)

While ego depletion can sabotage your motivation and success, there are steps we can take to prevent it.  Improving your mood or outlook can shift your capacity for self control.  Researchers found that watching a comedic film raised participants’ reserves of self control energy.  In addition, a shift to looking at a big picture frame of mind was also positively associated with an increase in energy reserves.  Those who were able to step back and remind themselves of an overall goal rather than their feelings in the moment were less likely to be affected by ego depletion.  A useful tool was when participants were asked to review their core values.  Reminding yourself about what really matters helped re energize people toward their goal behaviors.  And of course, overall self care was an important factor.  Getting sufficient rest as well as eating balanced meals helped keep up people’s self control reserves.  If you’re depleted to start with, your tank will empty rather quickly.

Knowing about the tendency toward ego depletion can help us to be proactive in adjusting our surroundings or our schedule.  Perhaps it’s better to meet friends after work at a coffee shop rather than at a bar or at Cinnabon.  Or maybe it’s more helpful to go to the gym on the way home rather than hoping to have the energy to leave the house again once you’ve gotten home and turned on the Bachelor?  While I can’t control the amount of daylight that will be available at 6 pm on any given day, perhaps I can control when I get up and out the door.  Rumor has it you can walk in morning light just as easily as evening light.  Maybe my self control tank will still be full at 6 am!

Clock Changing Hack: A brilliant idea I just read! Wait until you have the best hour of your day and then change the clock back to have that hour over again! If you love reading the paper and sipping coffee, do another hour! If you just had a great afternoon nap, rest another hour.

Since in my last post I’d written about the benefits of silence, I’m going to balance it out by writing this post about the importance of speaking up.  Because, as a new book by the famed marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman shows, it turns out that little acts of acknowledgement can actually make a big difference in your relationship.  Simple everyday gestures that take but a single moment can actually be a key to a successful and happy partnership.  

Their most recent book The Love Prescription,  just out in late September,  is hot off the press.  In it, the Gottmans whittle down enormous amounts of data into seven prescriptions to what their 30 years of observing and predicting (with 90% accuracy) marriage success point to as the most powerful positive behaviors.  The very first one, which they indicate is the most helpful change you can make, highlights little gestures of responsiveness.  It’s all about acknowledging your partner’s effort to connect no matter how small.

Each day we initiate connections with our partners that can be physical, verbal, overt or subtle, such as sharing an article with them or rubbing their shoulders.  They can respond to these bids of connection in one of three ways.  The first is turning towards, in which our bid is responded to with a positive acknowledgement, affirming our attempt to connect.  The second response option is turning away, in which a partner gives no response, either actively ignoring or just not noticing our attempt to connect.  And the third way is to turn against, responding irritably or angrily in a way that actively shuts down the attempt to connect.  

In practice, how often you turn toward your partner when they offer a bid of connection, whether a lot or a little, really matters.  The Gottman’s research shows that couples who had later gotten divorced (within the 6 years they followed them) had a pattern of turning toward their partners only 33% of the time.  In contrast, the couples who stayed together had turned toward each other 86% of the time!  In psychological research, these types of data differences are enormous.  And the good news for couples is that this research finding offers a worthwhile and very achievable point of intervention.  By understanding the importance of these little moments that seem like nothing, that could go by unnoticed, we can become aware of responding in ways that are bonding.  “How people reacted to their partner’s bid for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relationship stability,” according to Gottman.  

What the Gottmans conclude is the importance of friendship in a relationship.  When you feel listened to and acknowledged on a daily basis, you create a foundation that can withstand conflicts.  You’re more willing and able to let go of potential arguments or grudges if you feel that overall your partner is there for you and sees you.  Over time, these attitudes build on each other.  If we’re feeling resentment, we’re more likely to ignore our partner’s bids of connection which serves to erode a relationship over time.  On the other hand, turning toward our partner can build up what the Gottman’s refer to as “deposits” in our relational “emotional bank.”  The more we can save up good moments, the more we have reserves of goodwill to withstand the inevitable misses or hurt feelings.

It seems so simple, right?  It is and it isn’t, as you can guess.  It takes effort to be more aware of your partner’s bids for connection, and a commitment to doing so by turning toward.  It can be as basic as lifting your head up from your phone when your partner says something to you or stopping what you are doing for a moment to listen and acknowledge the connection effort.  And when you can’t respond in that moment, it helps to share that you want to hear them, and do come back at a future point.

Here are some of the Gottman’s ideas for what to look for or to offer in making a bid for connection:  eye contact, a smile, a sigh, a direct ask for help or attention, saying good morning or good night, asking for a favor, reading something aloud to the other person, pointing something out, seeming sad or down, physically carrying something heavy by themselves (like groceries up 16 big stone front steps, by chance?), or seeming frustrated by something.  

Who would have thought that such little gestures could make such a big difference?  It makes it totally worth it to be on the look out for those little opportunities as they appear throughout your day. And the good news is that you don’t have to be perfect, you only need to score an 86% for lasting happiness!

I’m back seeing clients in my office at the Health Center again.  One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is how much I missed being able to be silent with someone.  For the past three years most of my work was done on the phone. “Are you there?” is what I would hear every time one of us was not speaking.  Even when connecting through video, the lack of talking was met with a puzzled look at the volume with a need to fill the space. While many of us are comfortable with silence while we are meditating or trying to be mindful about something, the art of silence within conversation is something to truly consider the benefits of.

It took years for me to learn the skill of a silent response.  At first it felt awkward and somehow rejecting or dismissive to the speaker.  But as I followed the advice of my supervisors, a restraint in response accompanied by a supportive nod with eye contact became a powerful tool.  What you will find when you give people the opportunity is that they will follow their own thought, rather than yours.  Without the interruption of having to listen to what I have to say, a person will further their idea or, and most interesting to us both, go deeper into a feeling or association.  Usually we start at the obvious and the safe when we begin to talk about a topic.  We tell a story or share a reflection and then shift to the other person’s perspective on what we have just shared when they respond to us.  And often the other person shares something about themselves, which leads us completely away from our own inner reflection.  And this is fine, and valuable, as it can lead us to feel connected, but it also may cut off the potential for deeper knowledge and intimacy.

In recent years, researchers are coming to show the value of silence not simply as an absence of noise, but as an important part of speech.  Of course the context of the silence defines its power and meaning. Constructive silence can further a conversation and destructive silence shuts it down (who hasn’t been given the dreaded silent treatment).  When provided with supportive silence, it can, at first, feel like a bit of pressure to our partner.  But if the listener can resist the temptation to rescue them from the slight awkwardness, what can be created is a listening space with the opportunity to deepen your understanding of the person you care about.  As with all matters of speech, silence can vary in its meaning in different cultures.  Generally research shows that eastern cultures value silence more than the use of words. Silence is often associated as a gesture of respect and honor. Within western cultures, often the opposite is true. 

Silence within conversations provides opportunities for people to process what’s being said.  Often misunderstandings happen because we jump to a conclusion or haven’t fully listened to what the other person has shared, as we’re already forming what we plan to say next. Silence can slow things down so we can make sure we have considered what has been said and what is being heard.  Offering a receptive silence makes the speaker feel valued, not hurried, and shows your interest in their follow up ideas.  It is an invitation to go on, with support, and is a gesture of acceptance.  There are times when even in response to a question, giving someone a moment to hear themselves say it out loud, a silent moment can help them realize they in fact know the answer or can benefit from exploring more about it.  Often our heads are filled with the opinions of others, especially when we’re making a decision or at a choice point in our lives.  Silence allows someone to separate from the voices of others to get in touch with how they feel about it.

I must admit, I’m having to relearn the discipline of offering silence.  It reminds me of times back in my training when I listened to tapes of myself with a client, how I’d cringe with how often, even though I thought I was listening empathically, I actually had interrupted someone with my deep seated desire to be helpful.  I am now reminding myself of that and instead taking a quiet breath.  And to my delight I am rediscovering the power of a quiet space for both of our inner reflection.  And to boot, I am less apt to say something I regret!

“Silence is sometimes the best answer”- Dalai Lama

I was lucky enough to attend a beautiful Quinceanera quite recently.  It was a gorgeous event with many meaningful traditions, including tear-inducing toasts and a father daughter dance.  But the moment that most stood out to me was actually the evening before.  We were at the hall setting up with a bustling group of people steaming linens, moving tables, and arranging decorations.  Our honored young woman walked in and the look on her face was priceless, taking in the love all around her of people coming together to honor and affirm her.  It really reminded me just then of how important it is to feel seen, valued, and that you belong to a tribe of people who celebrate who you are and who you are becoming.

A rite of passage is a ritual or experience that marks a major milestone or change in a person’s life.  Modern rites of passage include graduations, proms, in addition to weddings and religious ceremonies.  The events have in common a social frame to assist someone into a new stage of life.  They make the life change official, in a way, as witnessed by a supportive community who guides the individual and provides a source of comfort and participation.  The term “rites of passage” was coined by Arnold van Gennep, a French anthropologist, in 1909, who observed the role of ceremony as a way of helping ease people through social transitions.

Rites of passage are so powerful because they serve many roles.  They provide a sense of renewal as they mark a new phase of life beginning.  They also provide a strong sense of belonging as they are conducted by and within a particular community.  Rites of passage can also provide a link to our past selves (tissues, please, for the slide show!) and they can also connect us to our past ancestry. The ceremonies tend to be full of meaningful ritual that is passed from generation to generation and can allow us to feel a continuity of identity in a larger scheme of time.  The rules and rituals regarding how to dress, what traditions are followed, and even the setting of the day and time create a sacred space.  This separates it as a special time devoted to highlighting the transition as unique and special, demarcating it as out of the ordinary and worthy of respect.

I am also keenly aware, as I hadn’t been prior to being a parent, of how important a rite of passage is not only for the individual, but for the people who love them, as well.  It creates an opportunity to formally articulate both the person’s strengths and beauty and their place in a family and community that is both cherished and evolving.  One of my favorite parts of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is the concluding words of the parents addressed to their child.  Each is so unique, reflective of what that child has overcome and how they have stood out in a journey through childhood. A parent reflects on how their child has maintained continuity in their character, but also grown and changed in unpredictable and remarkable ways.  Rites of passage offer a time out to reflect on what is important and a vehicle through which this can be put into words and celebrated.  (I recall after each of my girls’ Bat Mitzvah other parents saying their child had said they wanted one as well, even if they weren’t Jewish!)

The loss of these beneficial opportunities during the pandemic restrictions was felt far and wide.  We did our best as communities to replace stadium graduations with virtual ceremonies and in person weddings with zoom ones, but I think we can all agree, they were not the same.  And in some ways, I think this is why it is even more important to maintain and provide opportunities for in person, real life rites of passage moving forward bringing people together.  Our young people are looking to social media for affirmation and a sense of belonging. The more we can provide a loving mirror to reflect and validate a young person’s strengths and provide a community that can hold and protect them along their journey of growth, the better it will be for all of us.  

In fact, it makes me think we need to find more ways to provide this all along the lifespan!  Why not have a ritual for turning 50!  Or a retirement ceremony that involves letting go of an old role and a transition to a new life order? We don’t need to make elaborate and expensive events or even invite many guests, but why not provide a sacred time honor our changes.  Besides, I learned a few good salsa steps at the Quinceanera that I just need to keep putting into action!

 

Okay, I have to confess. I’ve definitely not been my, shall we say, “best self” this week.  I’ve been cranky, lazy, and short tempered.  We don’t have air conditioning in my house and we’ve been under a prolonged “heat dome”  here in Northern California.  Usually I can make it through a day or two of 100 degrees maintaining my dignity, but as this heat wave has stretched on for a week, it’s definitely getting to me.  I’m thinking I’m not alone  as I’ve watched the temperatures soar in other parts of the country and all around the world this summer.  So to ease my conscience, I did a little poking around on the effect of heat on mental health.

Yup,  no surprise, heat effects it!  According to the American Psychiatric Association, the combination of the effects on our physical health and mental health is actually profound during a heat wave.  Emergency rooms quickly fill up with patients experiencing dehydration, delirium, and fainting.  Heat waves are also linked to a rise in depressive symptoms and anxiety.  There is also a link between daily high temperatures and suicide and suicide attempts.  For every 1 degree Celsius increase in monthly average temperature, mental health related deaths increase by 2.2%!  Spikes in relative humidity also result in a higher occurrence of suicide.  People who have bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia also are more prone to manic or psychotic episodes during times of increased heat, leading to more psychiatric hospitalizations.  Interestingly, the effectiveness of psychiatric drugs can be reduced when people are dehydrated, leading to changes in mood and functioning, as well.

Even those without a mental health disorder can have their mental health affected, including the ability to think and reason (hah, don’t I know it).  Research shows the areas of the brain responsible for framing and solving complex cognitive tasks are impaired by heat stress.  When people are not thinking clearly due to heat, it’s more likely they will become frustrated, which in turn, leads to a higher likelihood of aggression.  There is strong evidence linking extreme heat to violent crime.  Even just a one or two degree celsius increase in temperature can lead to a 3- 5% spike in assaults.  Episodes of domestic violence jump during heat waves.  

There are several things that may be underlying these changes.  Research shows that there is a complex interaction of psychological, social, and biological factors.  For instance, a brain chemical called serotonin, which regulates mood and is involved in keeping levels of aggression in check, is affected by high temperatures.  When it is hot, people tend to increase their use of alcohol and this can contribute to poor judgment or impulsive behavior.  Most people can’t sleep well when it’s hot, which also has a strong effect on people’s mood and judgment.  Over a period of days the lack of sleep can compound, making people prone to accidents and cloudy thinking.  And of course, certain people are more vulnerable to heat than others, due to occupations, living circumstances, stress levels, and hormones.  In a study by Obradovich and Paulus, the authors found that those with lower incomes were more effected by heat and women experienced worse effects than men.  Combined, they found that the effect of heat on mental health was twice as bad for low-income women as it was for high income men.  

Obviously it’s so important to protect yourself as best as possible during a heat wave, including staying hydrated and avoiding the heat exposure as much as possible.  But some good news?  Research shows a powerful protective effect when people are looking out for other people.  Neighbors checking in on neighbors and community care opportunities, like gathering at libraries or cooling centers, had a significant positive impact on reducing mental and physical health crises in both children and adults.  One piece of advice, though, from my own experience?  I welcome the caring, but just don’t get too close!

Not so long ago I wrote a post regarding “eco-anxiety,” the distress related to worries about the effect of climate change.  It felt good to have a name for the worry I was becoming more aware of in relation to the changes in the Earth’s temperatures.  But since then, I have increasingly questioned the notion of eco-anxiety as not quite right for expressing what I feel.  In watching the news I see images of intense drought, the spread of wildfires and flooding, and the setting of record temperatures all over the world and I’m sad, angry, and overwhelmed.  I also feel more than just anxiety when I go to Lake Sonoma, the lake my family has boated on for years, and see the drop to levels that were unthinkable in previous years, limiting our ability to access many parts of the landscape.  And when I look out our window to the view that is scarred by wildfire and the panorama of dead and dying trees, I feel a heartache, knowing the landscape will most likely never be the same, at least in my lifetime.  The term “anxiety” implies a worry beyond what is actual and likely.  But what I am seeing and experiencing all around me are indeed real consequences, not just worries, classifying them as actual threats and lived trauma.  So in doing some research about what others think, I came across a term and a resource that I wanted to share, as it represents an evolution in our understanding and coping with the physical and psychological effects of global warming.

In 2019, the Australian environmental researcher and philosopher Glenn A. Albrecht coined the term solastalgia, which was based on the words solace (that which gives comfort) and algos (Greek for pain).  He explained that if we seek solace in a much loved place that is being devastated, we suffer distress.  The pain is a form of devastation, deprivation, or abandonment.  He noted that invasive changes to our home or land are felt as an attack on one’s sense of place and belonging.  Nostalgia refers to a homesickness we feel for our own home, while solastalgia refers to a homesickness we feel in our own home.  While solastalgia has been felt for centuries by many cultures, the increasingly chaotic climate has intensified the conditions for solastalgia with the loss to cultures of their traditional ways and the irreversible loss and changes to home environments.  Solastalgia incorporates the concern as well as distress caused by environmental change and natural disasters that can lead to a disruption in a person’s sense of security, sense of belonging, and identity.  While the experience of solastalgia varies by individual circumstances, it often includes a sense of helplessness, loss, chronic emptiness, anger, and hopelessness.  In addition, these feelings are usually there for the long haul, ebbing and flowing, but consistently present.  The chronic stress and despair of experiencing adverse environmental disruption causes the emotional trauma characterized by solastalgia, which can feel especially daunting, relentless, or hopeless for many people.

Solastalgia is particularly hard to find relief from, as typically the causes are all around us and what might serve as a source of comfort or refuge (your home or community) is disrupted or damaged.  But putting a name to our struggles and understanding what we are experiencing is an important start in coping and healing.  It is also very helpful in addressing the effects of solastalgia to connect with a community.  Often, hearing how others are experiencing what we are feeling eases a sense of disconnection and isolation.  In addition, it helps engage one another in empowering ideas and actions that can help the paralysis we can experience from the overwhelm.

One inspiring resource I found in my research regarding solastalgia is a relatively new organization inspired by a desire to come together to cope with the feelings of distress brought about by climate change.  Good Grief Network is a non-profit organization that “brings people together to metabolize collective grief, eco-distress and other heavy emotions that arise in response to daunting planetary crises.”  Their mission is to gather in community, process the painful feelings and realities of our time, and commit to meaningful action.  They accomplish this through online and in person 10 week groups designed and facilitated in a 10 step process.  According to their website, 95% pf GGN participants report feeling less isolated and helped them feel empowered to take action in their community.  GGN is a global organization with virtual meetings accommodating time zones and languages.  The link to the website is: https://www.goodgriefnetwork.org/.

We are beyond prevention when it comes to climate change and this can lead to despair and frustration.  But reconnecting to our love of the Earth is important as we still can make changes and advocate for political and corporate policies that will matter for us and for our children.  Our relationship to our land and environment is critical in the present for our quality of life and sense of connection and well being.  In the long run, Mother Earth will endure, but what is at stake is our own relationship with her.  I love this quote as a closing, by the wise Thich Nhat Hanh:  Once we accept the impermanence of our civilization with peace, we will be liberated from our fear.  Only then will we have the strength, awakening, and love we need to bring us together. Cherishing our precious Earth – falling in love with the Earth – is not an obligation.  It is a matter of personal and collective happiness and survival.