I’m a little tired this morning, but happy.  Springing the clocks forward always makes me feel better as the daylight is longer and Spring is just about here.  Like many, though, during the winter, when it’s dark and cold, I tend to accumulate messy piles and disorganized clutter.  The term Spring Cleaning comes to mind as a ritual we use to come out of the winter and lighten our load, both physically and mentally.  Research is clear that household clutter can be both a cause and a result of stress and depression.  So here’s some thoughts on the connection between mental health and clutter and what we can do to get our surroundings under better control.

Videos of cleaning up a “depression room” have been a recent trend on TikTok and YouTube.  The term is so accurate in describing how people experiencing depression often have such fatigue that even simple tasks seem daunting.  Brad Schmidt, a professor at Florida State University, distinguishes this from laziness or hoarding.  People with mental health issues are often “just so mentally and physically exhausted that they don’t feel they have the energy to engage with house cleaning and upkeep that they once had.”  But then a messy home can contribute to feelings of overwhelm, stress, and shame, making them feel worse.

In addition to depression rooms, another recent term that’s become popular because it so accurately describes the clutter/stress connection is a “doom pile.”  Often people who are extremely stressed, have ADHD or other issues that affect executive function, experience decision fatigue.  Clutter begins to accumulate as people become overwhelmed with all of the decisions of what to do with things, so they just leave it to later and things pile up.    

Clutter can impact your physical space by literally making it smaller.  Using precious space for things you “might” need or are not sure what to do with takes away from space that could actually be used in more effective ways.  In addition, the clutter can make it more difficult to find things and leads people to double or triple up on things they already have, adding even more to the amount of stuff they have! Of course, not everyone is affected by clutter in the same way. For example, research shows people with more perfectionistic tendencies are more likely to be bothered by clutter. But all of us, research shows, are vulnerable to the negative effects of clutter on emotional well being. 

Clutter tends to be associated with increased levels of stress.  Our homes should be a place where we can rest and relax, but clutter can interfere with this.  One study found that women who reported more clutter in their homes had higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol throughout the day compared to women with less clutter.  It’s easy to be distracted by clutter and have difficulty focusing.  Our brains only have a limited ability to focus, and so clutter can make it harder to think clearly.  It also can interfere with the ability to accomplish things.  If you have to dig through piles of paper to find something you need, or stacks of laundry to get dressed for an outing, the overwhelm at just getting started can lead to procrastination or avoidance.  And with all of that stress, it is no wonder that a cluttered environment can actually lead to relationship conflict.  The increased stress level combined with the conflicts over one person’s stuff taking up too much space can be a source for ongoing difficulty.  If you don’t feel good about your home environment, you may not invite people over or be stressed when someone wants to come visit.

One aspect of the research I found particularly interesting was the link between clutter and difficulty controlling impulses.  Studies find that people in a cluttered environment tend to adopt an “out of control mind set” that triggers unhealthy behaviors, such as poor eating choices and health behaviors.  Research suggests that it can be more difficult to control your impulses when you are in a chaotic environment.  People who described living in a cluttered environment actually report less overall life satisfaction as they tend to experience a low level of constant frustration in completing tasks and a chronic sense of shame and self criticism.  

Ok, now that I have made the case to declutter, why does it seem so hard? Besides the fatigue in keeping up with daily chores, there are some underlying themes to the psychology of clutter.  One theme is the difficulty in letting go.  Often objects remind us of important things.  We keep clothes that are too small in the hope it will inspire us to lose weight.  We keep travel brochures with the idea that we want to plan a big vacation.  Or things can represent emotional connections we want to hold on to, such as memories of our childhood or of someone we love who is no longer alive.  It’s easy to feel guilty if we get rid of something, especially when it has sentimental value.  Holding on to a possession can bring a sense of security or safety, with the fear that the connection and comfort will be lost if we discard it.

So how do we overcome these emotional and physical hurdles to free ourselves from clutter?  Most experts agree, take it slowly.  The idea of decluttering your entire home can be itself very stressful.  Besides the time it takes, emotionally it is much more complicated than just throwing things away and tidying up.  It can be helpful to set a goal of how much time you will spend on each room of your house (two weeks in your bedroom, one week in the laundry room, etc.).  Divide and conquer.  First start with things that are easy, like taking out dirty dishes, trash or laundry.  Then make four sets of piles: one for things that are easy to discard (like old papers), one for things you definitely want to keep, one for things you will donate, and one for things that you are uncertain about that you can decide later.  Having a friend to help can also help clarify decisions and reduce avoidance.

After you have gone through the sorting through phase, next comes the organization phase.  Lenore Brooks, an interior designer who became an expert at working with people to declutter, encourages her clients to notice the things they always seem to be cleaning up.  Then find better places for them to live, she says.  For example if you’re always finding your pens and papers on your couch, create a little desk area with a pen holder nearby.  Or if you have a lot of dishes that collect in your home office, get a tray to put them on and bring the tray to the kitchen at the end of each day.  KC Davis, author of “How to Keep Your House While Drowning” emphasizes maintaining a liveable space, not a spotless place.  She is a big advocate of what she calls “closing duties” inspired from her time as a waitress.  Develop a closing ritual for each day or activity that sets you up for the next day and helps maintain your decluttered environment on going.

But one of the best things you can do to maintain your decluttered environment is make sure to notice how you feel in your more ordered space.  Emphasizing what you have gained in your new space rather than what you have lost is so important for your well being.  Are you able to appreciate your home more or use all your furniture? Do you feel more at peace?  Is it easier to get started on things you need to do?  Is it fun to think about planning a social gathering rather than a terror?  And most importantly, can you invite your mother over for dinner now?  (Just a random idea…)

Cogito, ergo sum.  “I think, therefore I am” (Descartes, 1637).  But what if I think and think and think, to the point that I feel as if I’m almost not?  Or at least I think to the point of driving myself crazy?  Rumination is what we call it when you get stuck in a mental loop of worry or problems that seem to have no end.  It’s frustrating, hard on your health, and takes the joy out of your day.  Unfortunately, in our stressful world, it is also becoming quite common.  With an epidemic of anxiety taking hold of so many people, rumination is a frequent experience.  So in today’s post, I want to identify the difference between productive thinking about a problem versus rumination and share some expert’s tips on how to free yourself from this unpleasant thought loop de loop.

While rumination is not itself a mental health disorder, it is a symptom often associated with anxiety and or depression.  Examples of rumination include playing an unpleasant conversation over and over again in your mind.  Or when you can’t stop thinking about what went wrong in a presentation at work.  In some ways, rumination is an obsessive thought pattern focused on a negative idea or experience that lacks flexibility or perspective.  While we all worry and overthink, it becomes rumination when these thought loops are frequent, ongoing, and interfere with your ability to concentrate and engage in other thoughts or feelings.  It’s like a car without brakes, going and going without an ability to stop.  In addition, it often involves repetitive thoughts about things that you can no longer change.  In essence, rumination is a continual exposure to a negative experience that keeps reinforcing the negativity.

Certain people are more prone to rumination, research finds.  Women tend to ruminate more than men, as do people who tend to be perfectionistic or insecure (check check, and check…).  And rumination is also common with people with certain health issues, such as people with chronic pain, cancer, or who have suffered a heart attack.  In these cases, it’s understandable to fixate on how things could be different or whether you’ll be ok. For people with mental health conditions such as OCD, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, research shows those who ruminate tend to experience worse depression for longer.

Psychologists offer certain strategies that can be helpful to break the constant stream of your distressing thoughts. The first step is to ask yourself, what is the problem here?  Identify the specific problem and make a list of strategies that you could engage in to improve the situation.  Take the passive experience of reliving a thought or feeling and turn it into an active problem solving activity.  Once you have given consideration to what can be done, let yourself know that you have gotten what you needed out of the repeated thoughts and they are no longer of any use.  Then, when they reoccur,  give yourself permission to let them go by redirecting them. Studies show that when socially anxious people redirect their attention using word games or focused attention on an active thought process, they report feeling more positive about social interactions. Talking to a friend, listening to music or a podcast, or exercising also helped to take the attention away from the rumination and lessen the level of distress. In other words, you have to give your mind something to keep it busy and help it disengage from the ruminative loop.  Reassure yourself it is no longer helpful to keep reminding yourself of what cannot be changed.

Another strategy is to actively avoid your triggers.  Notice when certain rumination is activated and use your mute button, clicker, or block feature to set a boundary.  Often when we scroll through social media or watch a movie or television show, we actually do more harm than good.  We expose ourselves to triggers we don’t have to!  Be careful and conscious in your choice of what you are engaging with.  Studies show that social media can often trigger rumination about our appearances or other social comparisons that can activate anxiety.  We become passive observers of other people’s experiences, which leads to feeling left out or rejected or “less than” in many ways.  We fill in the blanks of what we don’t know with the content of our personal concerns and insecurities.  Pick something uplifting and positive that takes more active engagement, such as playing music, creating in some way, or moving your body.

Sometimes it helps to give yourself worry time.  Designate a period of 10 to 30 minutes to let yourself think about the distressing experience.  This helps to contain your thinking and relieve the pressure.  Adding an active activity such as journaling about the situation can also help to diffuse it.  When the timer stops, you actively let go, but know you will always have tomorrow’s time to think about it, should you desire.

Of course, sometimes the intensity of rumination is too large to be diverted from.  This might be a signal that you may need a higher level of treatment intervention.  Engaging with a therapist to explore your distress may be a good next step, and even a trial of medication can be of help. Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) have been used in a very effective manner to unlock our brains from obsessive thinking and allow us to use other coping tools in managing stress.  Often when people experience trauma, repetitive thinking is a process in which our minds replay what happened in an effort to process the trauma.  Having a supportive and safe environment to explore your experience is helpful to identify what is a beneficial form of remembering versus a reinforcing reliving of helplessness.

Spending time thinking about issues or ideas that are problematic is not in itself unhealthy.  It helps us prepare for a situation we may face again or lead us to make a choice to leave a job or behave in a different manner.  Ultimately it is the quality of our thinking and how it makes us feel that is important to pay attention to.  Having a thought is a natural occurrence.  But a key element in taking care of ourselves is recognizing our power to have a thought and then choose how we how we engage with it.  

Think of your negative thought as spoiled milk.  You take a small sip, experience the unpleasant taste and know it is spoiled.  Would you then keep sipping it to evaluate how spoiled it is while wondering how you could have let it get spoiled and thinking of how you are a terrible person for having spoiled milk in your refrigerator?  Or, would you rather take a sip, experience the unpleasant taste, and choose to go to the store to buy new milk, instead? In other words, maybe we psychologists have a different perspective than old Descartes.  While having a thought may be proof of our existence, how we choose to engage with our thoughts is proof of our humanity?  Now I’m overthinking it.

It’s estimated that 30 to 50 million people around the world will watch today’s Super Bowl game.  Whether your team is playing or not, or whether you even know which teams are playing, we all know it’s the best versus the best in a climactic winner-take-all showdown.  It’s one of the things about sports that most people love to debate and provides the irresistible drama:  Who is best in the clutch and who is likely to choke?  Which team will rise to the occasion and which will fall flat?  It’s so easy to judge and criticize from the sidelines, but I think we all have that moment while watching a player when we ask ourselves “how would I do under that kind of pressure?”  It got me thinking about performance anxiety, and while I will never be expected to throw a touchdown pass with time running out (thank goodness), we all have our own moments in which we have to put our fear aside in order to come through in a challenging moment.

Nearly any situation can trigger performance anxiety, including taking a test in school, giving a presentation to your coworkers, or even parallel parking while people are watching.  Performance anxiety involves performing more poorly than expected given your skill level in the heat of the moment.  Remember those times you studied all night and then your mind went blank the day of the exam?  Or when you complete a tennis serve perfectly most every time in practice but double fault in the match?  In fact, the more you are invested in how you will do in a situation, the more prone you are to having your own worry derail you.  It’s your own fear that disrupts your flow and causes you to hesitate, tense up, or even freeze up all together.  Our thoughts interfere with the way our brain’s have practiced and results in an unexpected outcome.

Normally during a highly practiced performance, brain activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is important for decision making and attention, is suppressed.  This allows the brain circuits responsible for routine and intuitive responding to engage without interruption.   But when we become anxious about how we’ll do, the prefrontal cortex activates and actually causes disruptions that lead to errors, especially in activities that require quick reactions and a flow of engagement, like making music or throwing a free throw.  In other words, as soon as we begin to think about the possibility of failure, our bodies tense and our mind goes into a different mode of operating, literally, our brain gets in the way of our practiced flow.  Emotionally, we move from approaching success to a state of avoiding failure.  Thinking about a potential mistake causes a change in your brain processing that is disruptive and actually makes it more likely that you will make a mistake.

Even if we’re not in the NFL, we can all benefit from what sport’s psychologists teach competitive athletes. Learning to manage your anxiety is a key to performing well in whatever challenges you. The first step is to embrace and befriend your nerves.  When we feel anxious we have the opportunity to interpret the anxiety in different ways. Top athletes can remind themselves that the tension they feel is the thrill of competition and focus their stress into heightened awareness and focus.  When they make a mistake, they put it behind them and move on to the next play with an anticipation of success. For us mere mortals, we can remind ourselves that the sweaty palms we experience prior to our presentation is a sign we are excited and ready.  It’s important to catch ourselves from predicting or anticipating failure.  Imagining and allowing our minds to play out the possible paths to potential problems will only take our focus in that direction and away from our practiced flow.  Dwelling on a mistake will only increase the chance of making another mistake.

Researchers show that distracting ourselves away from details of our performance can help us stave off the interference of our prefrontal cortex.  For example, rather than imagining someone asking us a question we can’t answer, we can look at the wallpaper in the room or what dessert we’ll choose to celebrate our good performance.  It’s also really helpful to practice under similar conditions as the stress we’ll feel on the day of our performance.  If we’re worried about performing in front of an audience, give our speech in front of some friends.  If we’re going to be videotaped, practice being videotaped.  Learning to normalize the stress of the situation to desensitize ourself is quite beneficial.  The more success we have in coping with the stress, the less our avoidance mindset will be triggered to derail us.

So when you watch the game today, remember what it takes for any of the players to have reached this moment and celebrate their effort.  Imagine both the physical and mental toughness they have already demonstrated to compete to be a champion.  And as one who grew up with a family that yelled at the tv when our team dropped a ball or missed a tackle, while safely eating our chips on the couch, I remember the wise words of my Grandmother Rose.  “Darling,” she would say, “don’t be upset.  They’re doing the best that they can.”

What if I told you that I had something that could make you happier, healthier, and even feel more connected to people?  And what if I told you it had zero side effects and was absolutely free?  Too good to be true?  Actually, not!  In fact, it’s pretty awesome!  Literally.  The complex and mysterious emotion known as “awe” has recently been given more attention and a growing body of literature supports what mystics and philosophers have known for generations.  Experiencing awe has a magical effect of making us feel simultaneously both humble, compared to something that is vast and transcendent, and more connected, in a way that makes us more generous and open hearted.  

Selfishly, I am moved to write about awe after having been to Death Valley this past weekend.  For me, it was like the Disneyland of natural wonder.  I walked on a basin of salt, climbed and ran down sand dunes (giggling like a kid), hiked to the base of rainbow and red rock canyons, and viewed the bright starscape enveloped in a very dark night sky. I was so overdosed with awe that it felt like a drug I want to keep taking!  What struck me most was the intense experience of simultaneously recognizing both my absolute insignificance and my complete uniqueness.  I felt insignificant compared to the tremendous forces and time that created these monuments of nature and completely special in how lucky I was to be alive and to have the gift of the ability, with my senses and human capacities, to take in the beauty.

Fortunately, research shows you don’t have to travel to natural wonders to experience awe.  You can find it in watching the birds in our backyard, listening to a great piece of music, or taking in a moving piece of artwork.  Some research shows that watching awe inspiring videos or reading a story can elicit our sense of awe with all its benefits.  In fact, there was a direct correlation in most studies between the level of awe reportedly evoked in a subject and the amount of improvement in stress reduction and well being.  Overall, research shows that people who reported more “wonder and sense of amazement” had lower levels of inflammation (linked to chronic disease).  

One of the most profound effects of awe is how it can change our perspective.  Awe can lead to what is referred to as the “smaller self” effect.  We literally perceive ourselves as smaller in relation to the rest of the world.  Awed people are able to see the balance of strengths and weaknesses within themselves more clearly and, in addition, to recognize how outside forces contributed to their successes.  In other words, awe brought a sense of humility and a less self centered point of view.  This may be why people who experience awe are more likely to offer help or be more generous.  

Too busy to take the time to experience awe?  Awe can even help with that!  Several studies have found that awe tends to expand our perception of time.  Study participants who were induced to feel awe agreed more strongly with statements suggesting that time was plentiful and expansive compared to control subjects induced to feel general happiness.  I know, personally, standing next to layers of striated rock that took millions of years to form certainly made me feel time on a much grander scale.  Feeling rushed felt kind of silly, noting that my entire lifetime was represented by less than a millimeter of rock in the immense wall I was standing next to.  

Finding awe can be a daily practice, fortunately.  Most practitioners who study or work in fields promoting awe explain that awe can be a matter of attitude.  When we look for it there are awe inducing phenomena all around us.  Taking an awe walk, for example, can lead to hearing or seeing things in a  different way.  Just by looking up at tall trees has been shown to induce awe!  Or you can read awe inspiring stories or watch awe inspiring videos on the internet.  Even watching a talented performer or athlete can evoke awe or having thoughts about someone you love.  The good feelings will be well worth the effort. And as far as I know, there are no rehab centers for awe junkies.  The high you experience is totally natural and is not illegal in any states I know of, yet. 

Most of us have heard of the placebo effect, yes?  In medical studies, a group of participants known as the “control group” will be given a sham treatment, often a sugar pill, that they believe is the real treatment. As a result of believing the pill is real, participants will sometimes have positive results such as feeling better or improvement in their symptoms (there are often real chemical or physical changes involved).  In other words, the expectation that they are getting helpful treatment has an actual beneficial effect!  Pretty cool, right? But in today’s post, I want to introduce you to its less known counterpart, the “nocebo effect,” as it likely is also having an effect on you, and may actually be making uncomfortable situations more uncomfortable.

The nocebo effect happens when a person’s negative expectations of treatment lead to negative side effects.  Where the placebo effect makes a person feel better beyond the actual therapeutic effects of a treatment, the nocebo effect causes people to feel worse.  Most often the nocebo effect involves mild symptoms that are noted to be common side effects of a given treatment, such as headache, dizziness, or nausea and vary significantly between individuals.  But it has been known to cause people to drop out of studies and clinical trials or decline treatment that may be helpful.  For example, in fibromyalgia studies on treatments, as many as eleven percent of people drop out of studies because of debilitating side effects from the equivalent of sugar pills.  Research also suggests that the cost of treatment can influence perceptions of how effective it is and that how doctors or nurses talk about the effects of treatment, such as expressing uncertainty or emphasizing the negative, can have a large effect on a patient’s responses.  Patients warned that a procedure might cause pain were much more likely to report higher levels of pain.

In 2007, a case study in General Hospital Psychiatry (a journal, not a soap) highlighted how powerful the nocebo effect can be.  A 26 year old man enrolled in a study of antidepressant medication. For the first month of the trial he reported improvements in his mood and functioning.  But after an argument with his girlfriend, he took all 29 of the capsules left in the bottle in a suicide attempt.  He went to the emergency room asking for help. ER doctors noted he was pale with heavy sweating, his blood pressure was abnormally low, his pulse was elevated and despite receiving intravenous fluids over four hours, remained sluggish and his heart rate remained abnormal.  At this point a researcher from the trial came to the hospital revealing that the man had received the placebo, or the inert substance.  Within 15 minutes of receiving the news, he was alert, revived, and his blood pressure and heart rate had both returned to normal. In another notable example, after a rumored toxic leak in Japan the hospitals were flooded with patients experiencing nausea, headaches, and dizziness. Investigators found no evidence of a leak and the patients fortunately quickly returned to normal.

Research shows that most of us experience the nocebo effect in some form or another.  One of the biggest predictors of the nocebo effect is “social modeling,” or hearing that other people are reporting the problem.  Which leads to a dilemma for us internet prowlers who scour the web for information about our symptoms and possible treatments.  We may be actually planting seeds of negative outcomes when we read about people who have negative experiences with a treatment we are thinking of trying.  And for doctors, it can lead to a conflict, as the ethical thing to do is to inform patients of all the possible negative side effects that can be a result of a course of treatment (those commercials with the crazy side effects that make you think, “who would take this drug”).  

Like most phenomena, being aware of it is the best antidote.  Especially helpful, according to research, is for doctors to be aware of how they present information to their patients.  Medical staff need to be careful of the wording used  to describe potential side effects and concerns of a treatment, making sure to present the positives.  Instructing patients on how to look for the potential improvements may be a way to balance the expectations. 

Even if your provider is not the bright-side-of-life type of person, we can be mindful of our own expectations.  And in a much broader sense, we can ask ourselves in how many other areas of our life do we influence our experience by our expectations?  From the movie we see, to the restaurant we try, to the new neighbor we greet, whatever we encounter, our positive or negative expectations will shape our experience.  We then need to ask ourselves what type of individual do we want to be – a placebo or a nocebo kind of person?

I always find it challenging when I’m asked for advice from someone who wants to be helpful to someone they care about who’s struggling.  It’s such a natural and wonderful thing to want to be a support to someone, but there’s often a fine line between being supportive of someone you care about and enabling them without intending.   Often, if unhealthy behavior is involved, the helper’s actions may be potentially contributing to the situation they seek to ameliorate.  It’s so easy to lose perspective when love is involved.  So this week, given several questions that came up over the past couple of weeks, I decided to step back a bit and gain a broader perspective on how to bring awareness to the difference between enabling and supportive helping behavior.

Especially as a parent you’re faced with a constant and never ending series of choices about when to step in and when to hold back.  Should I let them cry themselves to sleep or pick them up?  Should I talk to their teacher or let it go?  Do I lend them money or do I let them figure it out on their own?  It’s so hard to see someone we care about suffer and it feels so natural to want to lend a hand when we can.   The question that comes up in most literature delineating the line between helping and enabling is the  effect of the longer term consequence of the helping gesture.  Is the helping gesture going to keep someone from being able to grow and be accountable for themselves in the long run or is it a step to help them move forward toward this freedom?  Simply stated, supporting or helping includes assistance with things that a person is incapable of doing for themselves or doing things that help facilitate them gaining control of their behaviors and life.  Enabling on the other hand, is behavior that keeps someone from dealing with the negative consequences of their action, therefore giving the impression that their behavior is somehow acceptable or will be successful in the long term.  For example, a parent who lets a child skip school when they haven’t finished an assignment because they started too late is enabling.  Calling in sick for your partner when they have a hangover is also enabling.  

Enablers often try to solve the problem for the people they are trying to help, believing they are doing something good for them.  Unfortunately, in doing so, they keep the person from learning how to own and conquer the situation, which would build skills, esteem, and resilience. Enabling tends to encourage a negative dynamic in relationships, wherein the person being helped becomes dependent and both parties become resentful.  When a helping behavior is enabling, it tends to perpetuate and keep a stagnant situation stuck, whereas supportive behavior helps to move someone toward greater freedom.

Of course, every person is different and every situation is unique, which makes it so tricky to be sure if what you are doing is helping or hurting.  It may help to ask yourself some clarifying questions to evaluate your intention with the effect of your behavior.  A yes to any of these questions may indicate a need to take a closer look at the results versus hope of your behavior. One question to ask yourself is if you find yourself making excuses for someone, such as “he’s had some bad luck lately” or “it’s just hard for her right now?”  Another question is if you have a feeling that the behavior you are seeing is unhealthy or irresponsible, below what is normal to expect from someone of the person’s age or from their peers?  Have you lied for someone or justified the behavior to others who express concern or question if the situation is healthy if it continues?  Have you kept your helping behavior secret because you sense others would disapprove? And finally, do you avoid talking about the situation directly, but secretly hope that things will change or are you afraid to bring up the situation for fear of the person’s negative reactions?

Most people who come to realize that they are, in fact, enabling, initially started out with firmer boundaries and good intentions.  Over time, the avoidance and or giving in to someone’s requests began to become a habit or expected.  At this point, it becomes hard to undo the situation without feeling you are being too harsh or unrealistic.  But to keep enabling is actually doing more harm in the long run for both of you.  Loving someone means wanting what is best for them.  Often what is best for us in the long run takes sacrifice and short term struggles to obtain.  When we protect someone from the consequences of their poor choices, we rob them of the opportunity for learning and growth. We also give them the message that we don’t believe they can accomplish what is hoped for or expected. 

Healthy and appropriate support is empowering rather than enabling.  It should bring pride and a sense of teamwork and increasing responsibility.  But this can mean setting clear expectations that feel uncomfortable at first.  “Tough love” can sometimes be tougher on the person giving it rather than receiving.  That’s why it’s good to have support in finding balance in a relationship you feel is unhealthy.  It’s easy to get lost in your emotional connection to someone you love and your desire to protect them from the consequences of poor choices.  But good help supports someone in the long term and allows them to be proud of who they are and what they do.  Being a supporter instead of an enabler does not mean you lack empathy, love, or concern.  It just means, as the old adage instructs us, that better than feeding someone is to teach them to fish. Ok, and maybe buying them a fishing pole is all right, too?  And some bait? And a making them a snack?

HAPPY NEW YEAR and thank you for reading my meanderings!!!

The winter solstice is coming this week and it brings me relief during what is often a difficult time for me.  The anniversary of my sister’s passing approaches and the losses of other family members hits me deeply during the holiday time of traditions.  The darkness brings with it a solemnity I often actually appreciate, but too much can be overwhelming.  That is why the solstice is a welcome tipping point, as I know that the days will be getting longer, minute by minute, day by day.  This pleasant sensation got me thinking about how important it is to have hope and the power of hope as a psychological tool to withstand those inevitable periods of darkness.

In doing a little research on the psychology of hope, I came to realize that hope is very different from mere wishful thinking.  According to the American Psychological Association’s dictionary of psychological terminology (yes, there is one) hope is “the expectation that one will have positive experiences or that a potentially threatening or negative situation will not materialize or will ultimately result in a favorable state of affairs.”  Hope in psychological literature has been described as a character strength; a component of motivation that is critical to goal attainment; a mechanism that facilitates coping with loss, illness, or other significant stresses.  In other words, hope is an active state of mind or an attitude that involves, as one researcher put it, a blend of optimism and willpower.  According to Charles Snyder, a researcher in the area of positive psychology, hope involves a belief that the future will be better than the present and that you have the ability to make it happen.

There are both psychological and physical benefits to experiencing hope.  Higher levels of hope are consistently linked to better outcomes regarding mental health, physical health, academics, athletics, and even psychotherapy.  In one large study of over 13,000 people, high hopers (my term) reported more positive emotions, a stronger sense of purpose and meaning, less loneliness, lower risk of death by all causes, lower cancer risk, and fewer sleep problems.  It makes sense, though, doesn’t it?  If you feel hopeful, it makes it worth the effort to take care of yourself and engage with the world.  But  if you feel there is no hope for a good outcome, why do anything?  And the more you do nothing, the more it reinforces that things are going to stay the way they are.  And this is the exact nature of depression, most often characterized by a sense of hopelessness.

When people lose hope, it often feels that the only way out is suicide.  I frequently hear from very depressed people that they don’t want to die, they just feel there is no hope of feeling better.  The groups of people most at risk for suicide are young people and older people, particularly men.  Research shows that young people, especially when depressed, cannot see past their own pain in the moment.  They do not have the life perspective or cognitive development to understand that life has ebbs and flows and that a future holds the possibility of more control and opportunity.  And older men tend to view life as having passed them by, feeling like a burden, especially as they tend to isolate and become disconnected.  The link between hope and a sense of control is important to highlight.  People of all ages who are oppressed often lose a sense of hope because they have no power to change things and are robbed of a sense that they will gain this power in any way in the future.

Want to know a hopeful thing about hope, though?  It can be learned and nurtured.  Because hope is an attitude and a state of mind, it can be encouraged and even taught.  As a therapist, when I first start working with someone who feels hopeless, especially if they are suicidal, the first step is to give them some hope that the work we do will have some benefit.  For those long entrenched in depression, there are times when I have to hold the hope for them, and ask them to trust me.  We work together to identify what is most important to them and how they might connect to this in some way.  Often people have shut down to trying because they feel like everything they have done has failed.  We start small, with little bits of success, that build on each other day by day.  It can often be the small things that help us slowly reconnect them to a sense of agency and control.  Over time, we work to allow them to see their importance and value separate from outcome and achievement.  Often in this process connecting with other people and with a sense of awe is vital.  Awe reminds us of something bigger and vast, allowing us to connect to the world in a deeper way.

And maybe that is why I cherish the winter solstice so much.  It feels like a living metaphor that validates how just a minute each day can lead to a big change over time.  It also brings me a sense of awe as I consider the cycles of time and seasons that I can rely on each year that are way bigger than me. It is a living embodiment of “this too shall pass.”  Hope is a powerful state of mind.  It is not delusional or wishful thinking.  It is an active attitude that helps us persevere even though we know tough times are coming or are upon us.  Hope reminds us that we can move through something difficult and pursue greater possibilities.  Hope is the fuel for the engine that lifts us up out of despair.  

This holiday season, give the gift of hope to yourself or someone you care about.  If you need it, please reach out to someone to help support you.  And if you notice someone in despair, reach out to them to offer connection.  The worst combination is hopelessness and isolation.  Shared goals and empathic caring are the sparks that light our hope and brighten our spirits during the darkest of days.

After  a long day at work I had to stop at the store on my way home to get some food for dinner.  When I got to the check out, the line was so long it overflowed into the aisle.   “Just great,” I thought, and I’m sure it showed on my face.  I grumbled, sighed, and had not so nice thoughts about the slow pace of the checkers.  But as I stewed in my impatience, I began to notice the woman a few people behind me in line.  She was chatting it up with people around her, sharing with anyone who would listen about her good fortune to win a gift card that she was using to buy her cart full of groceries.  She was so grateful and the joy in her appreciation penetrated my sour demeanor.  By the time I returned to my car I was smiling and feeling appreciative to this woman for my new perspective.

Finding happiness in another person’s happiness is what social scientists call “freudenfreude,” a German term that describes the good feeling we experience when someone else has success, even if it doesn’t directly affect us.  Freudenfreude works like social glue, making relationships more intimate and enjoyable.  Empathy researchers, like Erika Weisz from Harvard, have found that besides just the benefit of a positive mood, freudenfreude can foster resilience, improve life satisfaction, and help people overcome depression and enhance their relationships.But if feeling happy for other people’s success is so positive, why does it often seem difficult?  One reason is that we tend to be raised in a culture that values competition and status.  If winning is paired with self worth, it might feel threatening to see other people as winners, making us “losers.”  In fact, the opposite of freudenfreude is a more well known German term,  Schadenfreude, which refers to the pleasure we feel while witnessing someone else’s misfortune.   Do you ever see the traffic on the other side of the highway backed up in a bumper to bumper jam and somehow feel a sense of superiority?  Or enjoy the bliss of seeing your rival team blow their lead and lose an important game?  Shadenfreude is a quick fix short cut to feeling good about ourselves.  While it is a natural human response at times, research shows that over time, indulging in too much shadenfreude lowers your self esteem.

The good news is that freudenfreude is like a muscle and  can be strengthened.  Dr. Emily Chambliss at Ursinus College has developed a training program to do just that.  She and her colleagues developed FET (Freudenfreude Training Program) featuring specific joy sharing exercises.  They found that research subjects of depressed college students improved their mood and social connection in just two weeks of using FET.  One FET practice they refer to is “SHOY,” or sharing joy.  When you see or engage with someone who is happy about something, ask them about it, find out the details of both what happened and how they got there.  Viewing individual happiness or success as a communal experience or effort is a way of elevating everyone.  No one gets to the top alone, and when we elevate others, we’re often carried along with them, especially when we can share credit for our success with others.  To further this, another FET exercise is called “bragitude.”  Share your good news with someone who helped you gain your success by expressing gratitude.  For example, let your friend know that her recommendation to a restaurant for a special night made a big difference for the evening.  As Dr. Chambliss describes, bragitude is like sharing dessert, both parties enjoy the sweetness.

While it’s true for most of us that misery does love company,  it can also lead to more misery.  If we learn the lesson of freudenfreude, joy also loves company if we are looking for it.  Asking about other people’s success or good news is a way of showing empathy, connection, and cultivating good feelings.  Flexing your freudenfreude not only makes it stronger, but just saying the silly word can make you smile.  Really, just try to say “freudenfreude” ten times to your partner and see how much joy you can share!

For me, memories of Thanksgiving will always include the humming sound of the microwave.  My dear mother was so anxious about getting the food prepared, she cooked and baked everything ahead of time so that on the morning of the holiday, all that was left to do was “defrost.”  I often joke that while other families enjoyed the sweet smell of cranberries simmering on the stove and the aromas of pumpkin pies browning in the oven, our sensory experience was the repetitive “dinging” sound of a timer.  But truth be told, all these years later, I miss that sound.  And I appreciate all the work it took to bring our family together; grandparents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, and cousins, all sitting at the same table.  Yes, we had our fair share of family drama, maybe more than our fair share, but thanks to my mother, once a year we broke zucchini bread together, played the “turkey bowl” football game on the frozen grass, and sat next to the fire to warm up.  Now that I live far away and so many of our family is no longer with us, I recognize with true gratitude the role of such a family event in defining and affirming our particular cast of characters as our “family” tribe.

Especially as a therapist, I do appreciate that families are complex and often dysfunctional (you might say that family drama is my job security).  Somehow the moment we walk through the door of a family gathering, we regress to being that little girl who was left out or the little boy who was criticized.  It is exactly because our families matter so much to us that we feel vulnerable to their opinions and so want to be included.   When it comes to family gatherings it’s easy to let fear or anxiety get in the way of enjoying ourselves and being present.  We walk in the door with expectations and sometimes create self fulfilling prophecies by focusing our attention on perceived threats or slights from the past.  It’s common to lose sight of the big picture when you feel on guard and have to protect yourself.

Like many things in life, being prepared can help.  Before you attend a family gathering, think through how you would like it to be and what you might be able to do to keep yourself in a supportive state of mind.  Enlist the help of a partner if you can, perhaps a spouse or sibling, or even a friend who you might bring along to shift the dynamics.  Have a plan for when you notice yourself losing your calm.  Can you go for a walk, look at the flower arrangement, or help with a task?  Setting the table or even doing some dishes can be a way to get a time-out when dealing with a challenging person.  And don’t go in hungry.  Since we know we’re going to indulge, we often come to events with low blood sugar, which sets us up for a shorter fuse than usual.  Also, focus on the positives.  Are there people you would like to catch up with, music you would find soothing, or a family member you would like to get to know better?  Be proactive in pursuing your own interests and instead of reacting to the negative, be in search of what potential there is for positives  Asking questions is a good way to control the conversation.  Come prepared with a few ideas for some things that you would like to know about that would keep things in a pleasant direction.  Most people like it when you ask about their lives or their interests.  It could be as simple as their favorite holiday tradition or memory or their preferred pie or side dish.  The point is, it’s not the content of the conversation that matters, but the effort at connection.

And if worse comes to worse and some family members resort to unpleasant dynamics, such as mocking, being sarcastic, or belittling, remind yourself it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Somewhere in their life they feel powerless and are trying to assert control or power.  Give yourself permission to detach from the interaction and remember it’s not your job to take care of them or even to deal with them. Simply thank them for their advice or ideas and change the topic. Or if needed, excuse yourself and find a more rewarding activity.  (Puzzles are great for this.)

No matter how weird or unpleasant your family can be at times, they’re your family and so they matter.  Having a mindset to embrace the beauty of family in all its messiness can be a framework to help you through a gathering.  You may not agree with them or even like some of them, but you are bonded to them.  Make eye contact, play with the kids, ask meaningful questions about their lives, give a compliment, offer to help and, whenever possible, laugh. The more you can choose gratitude, the less likely you will be pulled into a negative spiral.  The more you can accept what is and not try to judge it, the more potential there is for appreciation.  Relationships do not have to be perfect or even close to perfect for them to be meaningful.

The love I have for my family is more important than being comfortable.  And as I look back on the many years my mother did her best to shop, clean, cook, and defrost in order for us to gather together, I’m so grateful.  Even if I will never love, or even like, cranberry sauce from a can, I hold my mother’s love in my heart.  It was a huge burden on her to provide for so many of us unruly and probably not grateful enough people.  Yet year after year she did it, not only to keep up our traditions, but also to make sure we knew we all belonged together in her, our, family.

Did you feel it?  Last night we “fell back.”  While I love the extra hour of sleep, I hate that it now gets dark so early.  As the days get shorter, it feels like I go to work in the dark and then get home in the dark.  And when I do get home, the lack of light makes me feel tired and unmotivated, feeling like its bed time rather than evening time.  It’s easier to curl up on the couch and watch tv than it is to go out for my hike or get to the gym.  I try to tell myself that 6 pm is the same time of day whether it’s summer or winter, but my energy levels seem to disagree. I just don’t have the discipline or motivation by day’s end.  Psychologists call this end of the day malaise the “ego depletion effect” and, compounded with the end of Daylight Savings Time, can wreak havoc on your ability to keep up with your good habit routines this winter.

Throughout our day we are faced with challenges and choices that demand our self control.  Such self management takes both cognitive and emotional energy, what we psychologists call ego strength.  When we drain our self control energy, or deplete it, it leaves us more vulnerable to giving in to temptations or making choices that require less effort or discipline.  The idea is that our self control energy is a limited resource, and so the more we are tasked to use it during the day, the less reserve of self control we have left over in the tank.  How often have you eaten well all day long and made good health choices (including resisting the box of donuts in the break room all day) only to “blow” it when you meet your friend after dinner and order the nachos with your margherita?  Or get pulled into a rerun of a show you’ve already seen three times rather than make it to your after work yoga class?

A variety of factors can influence how susceptible we are to ego depletion.  If you are under a lot of emotional distress, your energy will be depleted more quickly.  Trying something new takes more energy, and if you don’t like something or imagine it to be unpleasant, this can drain your energy quickly as well.  Physically, low blood sugar and pre-menstrual hormone changes can decrease your capacity for self control, too.  

Research has shown the effects of ego depletion in some common areas I’m sure you can relate to.  Besides sticking to a diet, overall decision making is affected by self control fatigue.  Shoppers tend to make poor or impulsive choices when they’re in a state of ego depletion.  Especially when faced with a large number of options, we’ll tend to just go with a brand name or grab the one with the lowest price without really considering the overall value.  Complexity easily overwhelms a depleted shopper leading to frustration.  Research also shows a lower level of physical stamina after completing a challenging mental task. And we are definitely more vulnerable to abusing alcohol or other substances when depleted, leading to a potential compounding of unhealthy behaviors. Not surprising, we are also less likely to help others when we’re depleted. People actually experience less feelings of emotional engagement when they’re depleted, which is often the motivator to engage in prosocial behavior.. (Best to ask for that favor in the morning, maybe.)

While ego depletion can sabotage your motivation and success, there are steps we can take to prevent it.  Improving your mood or outlook can shift your capacity for self control.  Researchers found that watching a comedic film raised participants’ reserves of self control energy.  In addition, a shift to looking at a big picture frame of mind was also positively associated with an increase in energy reserves.  Those who were able to step back and remind themselves of an overall goal rather than their feelings in the moment were less likely to be affected by ego depletion.  A useful tool was when participants were asked to review their core values.  Reminding yourself about what really matters helped re energize people toward their goal behaviors.  And of course, overall self care was an important factor.  Getting sufficient rest as well as eating balanced meals helped keep up people’s self control reserves.  If you’re depleted to start with, your tank will empty rather quickly.

Knowing about the tendency toward ego depletion can help us to be proactive in adjusting our surroundings or our schedule.  Perhaps it’s better to meet friends after work at a coffee shop rather than at a bar or at Cinnabon.  Or maybe it’s more helpful to go to the gym on the way home rather than hoping to have the energy to leave the house again once you’ve gotten home and turned on the Bachelor?  While I can’t control the amount of daylight that will be available at 6 pm on any given day, perhaps I can control when I get up and out the door.  Rumor has it you can walk in morning light just as easily as evening light.  Maybe my self control tank will still be full at 6 am!

Clock Changing Hack: A brilliant idea I just read! Wait until you have the best hour of your day and then change the clock back to have that hour over again! If you love reading the paper and sipping coffee, do another hour! If you just had a great afternoon nap, rest another hour.