If you’ve had the feeling that people seem to be less polite than in the past, research confirms your suspicions.  In a recent survey by Harvard Business Review, for example, it seems to be a global phenomena, showing an increase around the world in experiences of rude behavior compared to past survey results. Survey respondents cited an increase not only from customers to employees, but also between customers.  If you’re like me, when someone is acting very rudely , I’m conflicted.  I don’t want to be a passive observer, especially if it’s directed at someone else, but I also don’t want to escalate the situation.  So in today’s post, I wanted to take a little time to think about rudeness and how to respond best when you encounter it.

We are a world under stress – pandemic limitations, wearing masks, divided politics, so many distractions and demands of our time and attention.  And with this stress, we seem to have lost the boundaries of cultural civility.  All around us, people are expressing their anger, their frustration, their displeasure, or their disagreements with less regard for the impact on others. And when someone is being rude, it tends to spread.  There is a contagion factor of rudeness that gives it permission and is perhaps why we have been seeing it spread.  

So, when you encounter rudeness, the first step is to take a deep breath.  Most people become reactive, naturally feeling a sense of defensiveness and wanting to protect or stand up for themselves.  But this tends to backfire and escalate the negative interaction.  Sometimes when people are having a bad day, they provoke people around them in order to find someone to blame or take their frustration out on.  Don’t let yourself become an easy target.  You will be most effective if you can keep yourself calm and not throw something back at the rudeness perpetrator.  

It helps to remember this is not about you.  Although it is directed at you, it’s not about you.  Keeping it from being personal helps you to stay calm and keeps the focus on the other person and what is happening with them.  If you can figure out what’s going on for them, it helps to give you a choice as to how to respond along with the ability to walk away if desired.  You are not required to engage with someone if they’re being rude.

Ask anyone who’s worked in retail and they’ll tell you how they had to learn how to de-escalate in order to do their job.  Start by listening to what the person is saying, trying to ignore how they are saying it.  Sometimes what comes off as rudeness is really born out of confusion or frustration at feeling wronged or ignored.  Let them know that you’ve heard what they’re saying and give them your undivided attention.  People will often automatically calm down when they feel someone is listening.  They may even apologize when they can let go of their fight and realize how they are coming across.  Rudeness often comes from impatience and if people can understand why things are taking longer or why it’s not going as expected, it can help ease the frustration.

Sometimes in the right situation you can point out to the person that they’re coming across rudely.  This works better with people you know, such as a family member, friend, or co-worker.  They may not realize what they’re doing and how it’s affecting you.  For example, you might ask, “Hey, this is important to me, can you put down your phone?” Or, “When you made a joke about my mistake in the meeting, it was really embarrassing.”  Sometimes, when we’re with people we feel comfortable with, we get a little lazy with our habits or manners  But even with a stranger, setting your boundary or expectation can be an important step in communication.  For example you may need to tell a customer that you’d like to help them and if they can lower their voice it would help you to hear them.

One of the best ways I’ve learned to respond to people when they’re rude (I’m often asked to step in at work if someone is behaving badly in the waiting room) is simply to look someone in the eye with an empathic and kind expression and ask  “are you okay?”  This response has a way of both showing I care what is happening for them and also keeps it about them.  Sometimes it helps people put into words what’s bothering them and gives them the message that they are showing the world their pain in a way that may bring them more pain.

Of course the kindness approach doesn’t always work.  I’ve had people tell me to mind my own f***ing business more than a few times.  But generally, showing kindness does have the benefit of making you feel good about how you’re responding rather than triggering you into a response you’ll later regret.  Which leads me to my closing thought that’s emerged as I’ve been writing this. We need to ask ourselves about our own rude behavior.  There are so many ways that our little habits may be rude to others, including talking on the phone in a public place, looking at your phone while talking to someone, interrupting someone when they’re talking, or demanding rather than asking for something.  And body language is important, too.  We can subtly roll our eyes, avoid eye contact, or fidget impatiently.

Sometimes, being aware of our own rude behavior can make us less irritated by other people’s behavior.  You know it’s not personal since you yourself aren’t intending to be rude when you do it. The fact is we might all benefit from a bit of civility awareness.  And if you truly want to address your own bad habits, I leave you with a challenge.  If you’re brave enough, ask someone you trust to point out these behaviors.  It’s a little humbling to be made aware of it, even if we didn’t mean it.  But, please, remember, when they do tell you about something you’ve just done that’s rude, respond with kindness.  You asked!

We interrupt this usual blog post for an important commercial announcement.  Please buy this product!!!  I hesitate to tell anyone to do what I’ve done (because I’m so often unable to follow through on things and don’t want to be a hypocrite),  but, please, in this case, I’m strongly hoping you do, because it just may save a life.  Last Monday the FDA made an important step and allowed Naloxone (brand name  NARCAN) to be purchased over the counter.  I bought a two dose pack for myself and each of my daughters to have on hand.  I pray we never have to use it, but I’m so grateful that we have it just in case.  And now, a quick description of what naloxone is, how it works, and how to use it to reverse a potentially tragic overdose.

Naloxone is a medication that can reverse an overdose from opioids, including fentanyl, heroin, and prescription medications by blocking the effects of opioids on the brain and restoring breathing.  A person can’t get high from naloxone and it’s been shown to be safe for practically anyone to use.  Most often the drug is sprayed into the nose and takes only two to three minutes to work.  If someone doesn’t  wake up in three minutes, a second dose can and should be given.  Naloxone won’t work for an overdose on drugs other than opiates, but it’s safe to administer.  If given to someone who isn’t on opioids, it’ll simply make them uncomfortable, so you don’t have to worry.  It’s also non-addictive.

In order to feel comfortable using Narcan, the first step is to know the potential signs of an opioid overdose.  Typically, someone who is experiencing an opioid overdose will have small constricted pupils, be falling asleep or losing consciousness, be slow, weak, or have no breathing, a limp body, cold clammy skin, discolored skin (especially the lips and nails), and may be making choking or gurgling sounds, vomiting, or having a slow or erratic pulse.  If you’re not sure if someone is experiencing an overdose, it’s best to go ahead and give the Narcan, as it can save their life if they are, but won’t harm them if they aren’t.

Once you become aware of someone exhibiting these symptoms, call 911 immediately.  If they’re not breathing, administer rescue breathing by moving them onto their back, tilting their head back, lifting their chin, and breathing two normal breaths into their mouth.  Next, administer the Narcan spray into their nostril.  Continue rescue breathing if needed, giving one breath every five seconds until they begin breathing on their own.  Try to keep the person awake and lay the person on their side to prevent choking.  Stay with the person until help arrives.

In 2021 there were nearly 108,000 overdoses from opioid drugs according to the CDC.  In more than one in three of these overdose situations, studies found a bystander was present.  Equipping people with Narcan will, and has, saved lives.  The goal of distributing naloxone is a public safety measure in order to educate and equip people to prevent these deaths from happening.  And for anyone concerned about increasing opioid abuse with the availability of naloxone can feel reassured that studies have found that making naloxone available did not encourage people to use opioids at any increased rate.

In fact, professionals are hoping to de-stigmatize the conversation around naloxone and to make it a part of any first aid preparation kit.  Even people who don’t use drugs or opioids should keep it in their purse or in their car for the chance they may need it.  Parents of teenagers are encouraged to have it at home and educate their child on how to use it.  According to the CDC, carrying naloxone is no different than carrying an Epi-pen for someone with an allergic reaction.  “It simply provides an extra layer of protection for those at higher risk of potential overdose.”(CDC website)

For years, medical professionals have been advocating to make Narcan an over the counter medication so that anyone can have it available.  Relying on people using drugs to ask their doctor for a prescription was not an effective approach to prevention.  “There was no medical or moral reason to keep this medication behind the counter,” argued Dr. Bobby Mukkamala, the chair of the American Medicine Association’s Substance Abuse and Pain Task force.  And it seems to me, there is no medical or moral reason why we all shouldn’t buy it now that it’s finally available.

Just as I was reviewing this post for edits, a story in the news caught my attention.  At a daycare center in NY, four children, ages 8 months to 2 years, were found to be unresponsive and showing symptoms of having come into contact with fentanyl.  “Tragedy struck the daycare on Friday when a 1-year-old baby boy died.  Three other children were taken to a hospital where Narcan, a medicine that rapidly reverses an opioid overdose, was used to revive them” (News Nation, NY).  I can’t help but think of that little baby boy who might also have been saved if someone had a dose of Narcan on site.

I know it‘s become a cliché for people to say “the only constant in life is change,” but when the Greek philosopher Heraclitus made this famous observation about change, it was 535 BC.  And while his understanding of the universality of change has held up well with the test of time (better than his fashion sense), what he and most all of us could never have predicted is the rapid acceleration, especially in recent times, in the rate of change.  In responding to the ever increasing pressures of new technologies and information overload, scientists are now adapting their models of coping with change and recommending an approach that is even more reliant on our adaptability as a key to mental wellness.

Previous models of change tended to rely on the concept of homeostasis, the idea that we have a status quo, experience something disruptive, and adapt in order to bring ourselves back to the status quo.  More recently, a shift to a concept called allostasis has been taking favor.  Allostasis is based on the idea that our healthy baseline is a moving target.  While both processes strive for stability, in homeostasis the goal is a return to a baseline that is the same as before.  Whereas in allostasis, the stability achieved would be a new baseline.  As author Brad Stalberg writes in his book, Master of Change: How to Excel When Everything Is Changing, homeostasis involves moving from X to Y and back to X, whereas, allostasis is thought of as X to Y to Z.  He writes, “The way to stay stable through the process of change is by changing, at least to some extent.  If you want to hold your footing, you’ve got to keep moving.”  Allostasis is defined as stability through change.

An allostatic approach acknowledges that the goal of mature adulthood is not to avoid, fight or try to control change, but rather, to skillfully engage with it.  Via this shift, change is seen as something that doesn’t happen to you, but as something you’re working with, an ongoing process of adaptation.  As Sterburg describes it, it’s about balancing acceptance with problem solving to move on to a new normal.  Overcoming pain, for example, either psychological or physical, is not about resistance, or trying to get back to how you were, but rather involves acceptance and growth.  In fact, as we learn about neuroplasticity, the truth is that our brain is at its best when it is constantly rewiring itself and making new connections.  In this way, change becomes a normal and healthy process rather than something to be feared.

As I have seen in my own work with people and as documented throughout the world, anxiety is at epidemic proportions.  I do think it is related to this fear of change and is emerging so intensely at this time specifically because the rate of change has become so rapid.  Information is coming at us at unprecedented rates, through news, social media, and ever changing sources of information.  We have more access to goods and services (Amazon, for example, can give you access to most anything at any time) and more choices about what and how we engage in the world.  Our climate is changing quickly with ore storms and cycles, and our technology is ever increasing in its ability and ways of engagement.  We are bombarded with a constant supply of new information and are asked to perform in ever increasingly complex environments (self check out, anyone?)  No wonder we’re overwhelmed.  Anxiety, simply put, appears in direct proportion to our perceived sense of threat in relation to our sense that we can handle that threat.  As we watch the news and are so inundated with the facts and images of our changing world, it’s easy to feel unsafe.  In response, we as a society have tended to become more cautious, which only fuels our experience of the world as being a scary place.  A classic phenomena of anxiety is that the more we avoid what makes us anxious, the more power it has over us.  As we feel threatened by change and try to resist it, we withdraw and become overwhelmed by it.  

I believe the concept of allostasis will be an important focus in addressing anxiety and helping us to be more resilient in the face of rapid change.  Science does point to there being strong evidence that we can become stronger and grow from change and that much of how we navigate change can, in fact, be developed and practiced.  There is much new research supporting the idea that how well we cope with change is directly related to our life satisfaction.  Our psychological approach to change must involve both an ability to be tough and determined by sticking to our core values while simultaneously adapting, consciously responding to changing conditions and bending without breaking.  As Bradberg describes it, “equal parts ruggedness and flexibility.”

For myself, and in thinking about how to be of help to others in this age of rapid change, applying an allostatic perspective (that’s a mouthful), I can see the importance of becoming more fluid in my expectations, becoming more comfortable with uncertainty, and expanding  meaning and purpose through growth. I imagine myself as a modern Heraclitus, standing at the water and noting “no one ever steps in the same river twice,” except today I’ve gotten to the river driving an electric car, using google maps, hoping I’ve applied the right UV protection sunscreen, wearing my Athleta swim outfit, all while listening to the latest ESPN Daily podcast.   In other words…stay tuned.  There’s a lot more material I’m going to need to cover!

In my last post, inspired by my yearly Back to School nostalgia, I proposed the idea of  applying a Back to School attitude to areas of our life where we might benefit from a reset.  This process involved letting go of old attitudes or habits, clarifying priorities and goals, and cleaning out clutter to set the stage for a fresh start.  But sometimes what needs resetting is a relationship that has gone off track or maybe could just benefit from a tune up.  It gets a bit trickier to apply a reset to a relationship, however.  We can’t just simply start over, as there’s a lot of history, and we can’t control the other person to make them align with what we want.  But there are some strategies we can use to freshen up a relationship and with the advice I’ve reviewed from a multitude of relationship experts, I’ll share what might be helpful in applying a Back to School mindset with others.

Most experts advise that the first step in a relationship reset is to assess what is currently working and not working in your relationship.  If possible, do it with the other person and be prepared to be open to what they have to say.  Keeping a positive frame is important, making it clear you’re engaging in the process as a way to show love or a desire to be closer to someone.  Share what you may have learned about yourself or ways that you notice that you’ve grown, as well as how they have.  Also, list the strengths and what is working in addition to what you may want to shift.  And be collaborative.  Set some goals that would benefit the both of you and avoid piling blame on things you can’t change.

A next step may be to make some plans together.  Sometimes it can be helpful to start some new activities or habits together.  It can build a sense of trust and partnership.  It can also help in setting aside old baggage.  For example if you used to run together, but one of you is slower and it caused conflict, try a new activity where you both can be beginners.  Starting something new can help to let go of old baggage. Our brain’s crave novel experiences, which in turn can enhance connection and interest in the relationship.  Maybe you can take on a project that excites you both. Research shows that when people work together as a team, the quality and satisfaction in the relationship is significantly improved.  And see how you can make it fun. Perhaps you can make a chores chart and if all the chores get done, you get take out, for example. Finding ways to align together in a change can create more intimacy rather than fuel resentment and disconnection by waiting for the other person to change.

Research also shows it’s important to spend time apart, even if it’s going for a short walk by yourself.  Being alone gives you time to process things happening in your day and to consolidate your own identity and reactions.  In turn, this helps us be less reactive to others and to be more in touch with what’s most important to who we are, helping us to be less defensive or threatened by the demands of a relationship.  And when you re-engage, make sure you express the appreciation you have for the other person.  Often we have a lot of love in our hearts, but we don’t feel the need to show it.  Studies show that the most successful relationships included the expressions of appreciation and the more specific the better.  For example when you notice your partner having taken care of a task, taking a moment to say something about what they did and how it mattered to you can be a great way to keep the relationship fresh.  When someone makes a gesture of kindness, the tendency is for the other person to want to reciprocate.  A reset may involve nothing more than a few thoughtful actions or words that can change the tenor and mood between people.

Most therapists are big believers in systems theory of change.  Succinctly put, any change that happens in one area of a system will affect change throughout the entire system.  It’s an important concept when thinking about relationship change.  Sometimes we don’t have the opportunity or authority to talk with a willing partner about what we’d like to reset in our relationship, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make change that matters.  By changing your own behavior you reset the equilibrium of a relationship and can impact your interactions.  For example, maybe you can’t tell your boss that you don’t like how she presents feedback, but you can initiate a conversation in a style that is more comfortable for you.  Or if someone is insensitive to your feelings, you can shift your conversations to more superficial topics to protect yourself.  Or the reverse, maybe asking some questions to get to know someone will help you feel closer.  We often have more power than we think when it comes to how our conversations and relationship patterns go.  Looking at your own reset can help empower you in relational situations where you’ve felt frustrated or disrespected.

And I can’t finish a post about using a Back to School mindset without the shopping.  Whenever we start something new, even if it’s a new approach to something old, having something tangible can be helpful.  Why not try a new restaurant, or buy a new pair of pajamas, or a new pair of candlesticks for your table? While we can’t buy our way out of bad habits or patterns, we can use a new purchase to remind us of our goals or new intentions. The more we invest in our relationship, the more we will be rewarded, right?

In my town, both celebrated and dreaded, it’s ”back to school” time. Although at this point in my life it really doesn’t affect me very much, except for good sales and bad traffic, I tend to become deeply nostalgic.  I loved back to school time. I relished the reliability and promise of a fresh start.  I would anticipate the new classes and teachers I’d have, the brand new set of pencils and notebooks, and with college and graduate school, maybe even a change in apartments.  While there’s a lot to be said for the stability of a long term job or relationship, it’s easy to take things for granted without an imposed transition, both in becoming complacent with what is and losing our perspective about how we could be doing better.  So in this post I’m going invite you to step back from your day to day to apply the perspective of a back to school mindset on the long term aspects of your life. 

Back to school offers a clean slate and with it the perfect chance for change.  But whether you’re truly starting something new or resetting something that’s been ongoing, to take advantage of the process, it really needs to start with self reflection.  How’s it going right now?  What went well this past year and what would I like to be different?  We can’t make any effective changes unless we understand where we are now and where we’ve come from.  I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years this summer.  I think back to the roles and responsibilities that I was hired to do, and compared to what I’m doing now, a lot has changed.  Some of it required some conscious thought, especially with changes brought on by the pandemic, and some of it just slowly evolved over time in reaction to things happening in my organization or in the field in general.  By acknowledging this change, I get the chance to decide if this is what I want.  I can then take the opportunity to intentionally see how I can shift my day to day in order to realign with what I would prefer to be doing.  

Through this self reflection, resetting naturally involves redefining your priorities.  Through the push and pull of daily demands, we tend to lose sight of what’s most important, giving in to what gets us through the day.  Resets allow us to take a broader perspective to see if we’re on track with what we really want.  It also involves being realistic about what we do have the power to change and what we can’t control.  A reset can shift us from putting blame on things to taking stock of what power we do have.

Once you have a better perspective on what’s not working, what you want to move toward, and what you can change, it helps to set goals and evaluate your progress toward them. This puts your reset into achievable steps.  Rather than simply saying, I’m going to do better this semester, we can break it down into specific pieces that help us take action.  For example, using the school analogy, I’m going to work with a tutor this year in Math, or I’m going to attend three school events each month, etc.  The point is, in order to achieve the desired change it helps to outline the action steps needed to take us toward the goal and then measure our progress. Do your goals align with your priorities and do the action steps bring you closer to the goals?  Unlike school, however, we get to choose when and how we are tested.  But if we don’t stop to evaluate the progress of our change, it’s easy for it to drift or to keep pursuing goals that don’t bring us the desired results.

And don’t forget to clean out your backpack.  Truly.  One of the things that helps people with a back to school fresh start is clearing out the clutter left behind.  This clutter could be mental, such as bad habits or attitudes.  A reset could offer an opportunity to create a new schedule or a new structure that will support our priorities, such as joining a group or journaling to keep track of our experience.  Or the clutter could be physical, such as the accumulation of stuff in your environment that bogs you down or gets in the way of feeling efficient and focused.  Sometimes we get so used to the broken latch or the stove that doesn’t really work that it creates an accumulation of annoyances that can be lifted by doing some simple reorganization or home repairs.  Just cleaning out my refrigerator makes me want to cook, for example.  Or fixing the light on the front porch that I curse every time I trip in the dark creates a sense of relief and a momentum for success.

And finally, and maybe the part I miss the most, don’t forget to reward yourself with some back to school shopping.  Just because you don’t go to school doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from a refreshed look that matches with your renewed priorities!  Or a new bag to hold the lunch you’re now packing!  Resets should offer a little bit of fun and excitement.  I still have vivid memories about the new dress my mom would let us choose each year for the first day of school (ah, that plaid jumper in third grade).  I would hang it on my doorway and count down until I could wear it.  My mom was smart to distract us with something shiny and new to look forward to. Because with four kids, what a relief it must have been to see us all off on the school bus after a long summer of us at home. 

There’s a reason why organizations have strategic planning sessions, annual meetings, and retreats. Just like Back to School time, without a planned break in the action, it’s so easy to just keep rolling along. A back to school mindset can help us clean off the dust we’ve picked up along the way and make sure we’re rolling in the right direction!

What’s the saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, it’s on me, and I’m feeling shame.  In the past short while I’ve been pulled into two unfortunate scam situations.  One involved clicking on something that exposed my computer to a potentially disastrous virus (I haven’t seen my husband run that fast in a while).  The other was when purchasing an item online, I clicked on an offer to get free shipping, which ultimately led to three months of $18 charges to be a part of their “reward program.”  I surely did not feel rewarded and, in fact, felt like a fool wasting considerable time connecting to their customer service to undo my future “rewards.”  I did feel a little better, though, when an article in my American Psychological Association journal caught my eye, literally titled “Nobody’s Fool:  Why We Get Taken In and What We Can Do About It.”  I thought I’d share a few tips to help us all avoid these inevitable lapses in judgment that at best cause us aggravation, and at worst can lead to considerable losses and betrayals.

In their research, Daniel Simons, PhD, and Christopher Chabris, PhD, examined the cognitive habits that put us at risk of being deceived.  What most scammers have in common is their use of “the mental shortcuts and patterns of thinking we tend to use in our daily lives.”  As they explain, most of the time, these habits serve us well.  It would be too challenging and time consuming to go through life skeptical of everything we hear and read.  But the same habits of trust and belief that work well most of the time leave us vulnerable to people who are trying to mislead us.  And we all tend to think we’re smarter than the people we hear about who’ve gotten scammed.  The reason for that, the researchers note, is that whenever you hear about a scam, it’s in retrospect and happening to someone else.  But when a scam is targeting you, in particular, meeting your own demand, wish, or want in the moment, you’re more likely to fall for it.  The authors conclude that most of us can be deceived if the targeting is aimed at us and takes advantage of the way we think and the information we’re looking for.

One common cognitive bias we have is the truth bias, our default tendency to think whatever we hear or read or encounter is true.  We have this bias as a natural result of being social.  We rely on it in order to make plans, have conversations, and go about our days engaging in the world.  Another cognitive bias involves our focus.  We tend to rely on the information that’s right in front of us, that’s easily at hand.  This information is often provided for us, conveniently oriented to getting us to do what the scammer wants us to do.  Another bias is our own desire.  When someone gives us exactly what we’re looking for (free shipping anyone?), we tend to accept it much more readily than if someone tells us the opposite of what we want to hear.  We’re much more likely to forward a post on Instagram without stopping to think when it matches our beliefs.

A lot of scams involve promising something that’s too good to be true, like a medical benefit or investment outcome.  The problem is, that what sounds too good to be true to one person is just good enough for someone else to want to try it. And that’s all a scammer needs, is that right person who is just wanting it enough to try it.  A general principle the authors share is that anytime you are promised a big effect from a small intervention, that’s when you should require the strongest amount of evidence.  Can one daily supplement really get rid of all of your wrinkles? Scammers play the odds.  The Nigerian prince email looks ridiculous, but it doesn’t have to fool most people.  It only has to convince a handful of people who are willing to respond.  And in this way, the scammers have selected out the people most likely to send money.  Or the people most vulnerable to pressure tactics who are especially afraid of being penalized by the IRS or some other institution of authority when threatened.

Almost everybody is capable of being conned or scammed under the right circumstances (Theranos?).  But it’s wearisome to go about life always on guard and skeptical.  It’s important to know for yourself when it actually matters to put in the effort to second guess and fact check.  For bigger decisions with large consequences or times when just taking an extra minute might save you time and money later, it can surely be worth it.

It helps to be aware that, in general,  all of us are more vulnerable to scams than we realize. A few questions to ask in order to weed out possible deception:

-Did you solicit the offer or was it unsolicited?

-Were you called by an outside party?  If yes, can you call them back?

-Does the deal look too good to be true?

-Are you asked to keep the information confidential?

-Do you have to send money in order to start the process?

-Is there any urgency communicated by the other party?

-Is there an enticing prize or reward involved?

-Do you have to provide details that you wouldn’t normally have to provide?

And a final point, which is my biggest vulnerability, is time!  Most often I’m vulnerable to clicking on something when I’m in a hurry.  It’s usually in the morning when I’m sorting through emails and want to get done before I’m off to work.  I was click happy in the case of the virus email.  And in the case of my “free shipping” reward, I’d spent so long choosing my beloved gift in just the right size, that checking out was the afterthought.  I went for the big colorful button that said “Free Shipping Reward” and, apparently, missed the fine print.  And even more apparently,  I’m gullible enough to think the company wanted to give me a reward for just being little ol’ me! 

We all go through hard times of profound disappointment or even complete heart break when things don’t turn out as we’d really wanted them to.  Our friends, trying to be comforting, tell us, “things usually work out for the best,” but to be honest, it makes you want to punch them, right?  Because things are not working out for the best.  We are hurt, annoyed, and very sad.  Our hopes and dreams have been thwarted and the future we planned has been snatched away.  And then the self doubt tends to creep in.  What did I do wrong, why didn’t they choose me, and, the biggest fear of all, what if I never have this opportunity again?

Throughout my life I’ve often wished for a crystal ball.  I would think to myself, it would be so much easier to let this thing go if I could see in a crystal ball that it will end up ok.  How comforting it would be to know that despite how hard it is right now, some day it will feel better and I will look back at this hurtful experience as an important crossroads that led to something better.  Perspective is such a hard thing to have when you’re in the middle of a crisis. It’s so much easier to look back to see how not getting one thing led to something better in the long run.  But at the time of the loss or disappointment, you have no idea of where things will lead or if things will work out in the end.  You are engulfed with the powerless feeling of loss and unfulfilled potential.

One of the best things about getting older is the benefit of a LOT of hindsight.  At the time I didn’t get into the graduate school of my choice, I thought my career was going to end before it started.  But eventually I got into a program that was a much better fit, with much better funding, and although it was not the shortest path to my goal, I was better off for the detour.  And same thing with relationships.  When I was heartbroken over what I thought was the right one, another detour led to my current life partner.  With so many years of seeing how life will twist and turn to bring you unexpected opportunities, it’s much easier to have faith in things working out in the long run.  You develop the confidence that you can trust yourself to heal from your sadness and move forward toward the unknown of what can be.

So the fact is we have to be our own crystal ball image makers. We need to supply ourselves with reassuring visions that reflect our capacities and resilience. So much of anxiety is really thoughts of potentially bad things happening that we won’t be able to handle.  But if we can tap into a reservoir of self-confidence that we have what it takes to make the best of what is coming, we can then tell ourselves, and believe, that we will be ok.  Despite how hard things may be at the moment, it’s the trust in our own ability that can comfort us. In this way, the future, rather than being a scary place of dead ends becomes an array of possible paths we can take to find our way to contentment.

Experiencing rejection or disappointment is hard as hell, I’m really not wanting to minimize this.  But often, especially when we’re young or inexperienced in an area of life, we make it even harder with our own tortuous projections of future failures or unfulfilled longings.   Before you reach my age of long living, I hope I can support you in a healthy perspective that may ease your pain and comfort you through a difficult change.  Create your own crystal ball that shows you the dreams you will make happen rather than fears you will be haunted by.  And don’t forget to polish it up every now and then with the strokes of those who love you.  They’re often great mirrors to reflect your strengths and hold the hope for you during the times when you aren’t able.

Ok, a little post I hope will give you a big shot of inspiration.  And to do so, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Here he is:

Just look at that smile!  Look at the shirt with the turtles on it that reads “Slow AF Run Club!!!”  Recently featured in the NY Times,  Martinus Evans started running after feeling angry at how he was treated at a doctor’s visit.  Within a year he was running a marathon and began to gain followers on his Instagram @300poundsandrunning where he shared his experiences of running as a big man.  After years of being harassed by thin, white runners, he started a club to encourage and support those who wanted to run, but felt they didn’t fit what a runner should do or should look like.  Now with over 10,000 members (10,001 with me now) the Slow AF Run Club is all about forming and supporting an inclusive community for people that want to run regardless of ability or size.  It’s not centered on weight loss or winning races, but well-being, measuring success not by numbers (speed or weight) but by engagement and resilience.  

After reading his book, I’m back at it, having given up running because I felt slow and old.  I’m still very slow and am getting even older, but the Club has given me a new perspective. If I want to run, and if I go out and run, then I’m a runner!  It feels much better to do it in my own way than to stop myself from doing it because I’m not doing it a certain way. This also got me thinking about all the other things we hold ourselves back from doing because we’re worried about failing, looking ridiculous, and being judged.  I’ve seen the question asked, if you could be guaranteed of success, what would you try?  It gets right to the heart of our insecurity and how the pressure to be great at something often keeps us from participating.  Think about all the possibilities if you had the Slow AF Club type of support to let go of expectations and participate in something you wanted to try: the Clumsy AF Club, the Dumb AF Club, the Awkward AF Club, it goes on and on.  

And it’s not just our internal voices that are so judgmental, it is a reality.  We have a cultural bias to think that once you’re an adult, you should only do something if you’re good at it or fit the mold of what is expected.  You’ll be given side-eyed looks, unsolicited advice, or even made fun of at times.  Martinus shares about his experience of being told during races to “lose weight and come back when you’re faster.”  He’s had the police called on him for being a black man running through certain neighborhoods.  And he’s not been able to find running clothes in his size, being shamed by store clerks and salespeople.  That’s why in his book he writes about the real world for us slow runners and how to get through it.  His chapters cover finding clothes online, chafing realities and compression clothing, how to choose races that won’t close down the course before you’re done, finishing last, and how to let go of comparing yourself to others.

In whatever we try it’s so important to set our own goals and measure our progress and success in our own way.  I’m so inspired by Martinus’ courage to challenge the norms and speak out about it.  And by the huge response, he’s clearly tapped into a need that many of us had to give ourselves permission to be in our bodies in our own way and for society to make space for all types of people on the trail, the track, and the race course.  I’m now picking a race to train for and am proud AF to be a turtle!!!  I hope anyone reading this will also be inspired to take a chance and challenge a norm for something that excites them, even if they are slow, clumsy, dumb, or awkward.  What limiting stereotype would you like to say “F” it” to?

While my last few posts covered the topic of social support, how important it is and how to give it to someone, I thought before leaving the topic I should address the issue of asking for help.  Sooooo scary, right?  For lots of people, the idea of asking for help is one of the most difficult things.  Way harder than giving help!  So let’s look at what the barriers may be and how to get the help you need (or have convinced yourself you don’t need, but could really use!)

Why is asking for help so hard?  In general, asking for help involves overcoming a series of layers of different types of vulnerability.  One roadblock is a fear of rejection. It’s hard to be vulnerable in this way, opening yourself up to be turned down.  Another vulnerability is the feeling of weakness.  Particularly in our Western culture, the idea of needing help is often judged as being inferior.  We’re a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” society that values independence and self reliance to an extreme.  Asking for help implies that we are imperfect.  Some of us hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards and asking for help is an admission that we failed at something, admitting we can’t handle everything or, heaven forbid, made a mistake!  Or that you’re in pain or confused by something.  We have to show our tender side when we ask for help.

Another aspect of asking for help that can be difficult is our discomfort with certain types of relational interactions.  Many people fear burdening someone else or being an inconvenience.  We tend to project our feeling that we are a bother on to others and flinch at the idea of someone using up time or energy for us.  For others, they’re very uncomfortable with the feeling of owing someone.  If they ask for help, they will immediately feel obligated or indebted.  Asking for help is seen as transactional, a quid pro quo situation that leaves unfinished business.  Past bad experiences of asking for help can cloud our vision for what may be available to us in the present.

And finally, another barrier to asking for help is sheer overwhelm.  When we’re experiencing a crisis, we’re stretched thin and preoccupied.  It might feel like it’s too much of an effort or we just don’t have the energy or the hope that help will be of any use.  When you’ve just had something really bad happen, it’s hard to imagine that something good might be available or that anything could lessen the pain.  We fear we’re a dark cloud that nobody would want to associate with.   Sometimes the ask for help might just need to be for help in getting help.

Because asking for help during a crisis can be so fraught with emotional challenges, we often don’t do it well.  I, for one, tend to have the fantasy that someone will read my mind and know what I might need without me having to ask.  Or, we hint, without explicitly stating our need, and then feel let down if someone doesn’t pick up on it. 

Here are a few tips to try to be more effective in asking for help.  First, be as clear as you can about what you need.  Reducing miscommunication will increase the likelihood of you getting what you want and, in fact, makes it easier for the giver.  For example, it’s ok to ask someone if they have some time, as you could really use someone to listen.  And it’s ok to gently let someone know when they have misunderstood you or if they are saying things that are not helpful (“dumping in,” as is described in the last post).  Acknowledge their desire to be of help, but give feedback as to what you might prefer.  And if possible, try to match the ask to the person who can make it happen.  For example, some people are better at doing tasks for you, such as helping with a ride, and some people are better at emotional support.  Some people are good at connecting you with resources and some are good at knowing how to get you to laugh when you need it. It might be of great benefit to let someone organize your help with one of the great websites that allow people to sign up for the help they can offer (Slack for example).

And finally, the most important thing when asking for help is to allow yourself to receive it.   Don’t apologize for asking or act like you’re doing something wrong or shameful.  While someone may not be able to fix a situation or make things right again, they may be able to ease your burden.  Because, for heavens sake, it’s not all about you! (JK, it is). It might help to remember there is a LOT of research that shows how beneficial it is to the GIVER to do something that’s helpful.  By asking, you give someone an opportunity to feel a sense of purpose, connection, and a way to increase their feel good hormones.  When we receive with dignity, we validate the value of the relationships in our lives.  Allowing yourself to be loved and cared for is a key component to getting the help you need.  This will not only make your life easier, but will also make you and others happier.  

As a follow up to my last post, which was a follow up to the post before, I am continuing to reflect on the importance of social support.  As a therapist who often hears the sadness and feelings of isolation that people can feel when they’re going through a hard time, I see a pattern of well intentioned people actually causing more pain for people that need the comfort.  Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to pull away from someone who needs help out of fear of not knowing what to say or do.  Or, in trying to be helpful, mistake their own feelings and needs for the other persons and burden them rather than support them.  In today’s post, I want to share a creative concept that I hope makes you feel more confident in being there for someone and will help you be more helpful.

My brother recently sent me an article he saw in the LA Times describing “Ring Theory” that succinctly and with good imagery helps create rules for providing helpful support.  I need to give credit to Psychology Today writers for giving additional background.  The concept of Ring Theory was started by Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist, and her friend, Barry Goldman, after her experience with breast cancer.  What Dr. Silk noticed doing her difficult journey was that people often, believing they were offering support, would vent or give opinions in an attempt to “fix” her situation.  In sharing their emotional reactions about her experience, they  inadvertently made it about themselves, when what she wanted was to be given comfort.  In reflecting on what was needed, the idea of Ring Theory was developed to guide people toward offering a specific type of support most needed during a period of crisis. 

To create the rings, start by drawing a ring around the name of the person who is at the center of the current trauma.  Then draw a ring around this ring and put in the name of the person or people next closest to the trauma.  Continue adding concentric circles, repeating the process of adding more intimate family and friends closer and more distant family and community in the outer circles.  What you have now created is what Silk describes as a “kvetching order.” (kvetch=whining/complaining)

Now come the rules, simply put in four words:  Comfort In.  Dump Out.  

In other words, whoever is in the centermost ring gets to whine, complain, cry, and vent as much as they need and want to.  The other people also get to freely express their feelings and concerns, but the big difference is to whom they can direct their fears and negative feelings.  They can only direct these feelings to someone in a larger circle than their own.  That is the idea of “dumping out”; you express and process your pain with someone who is less affected by the trauma.  In this way, the circles protects people who need to be listened to and cared for, without creating further burden on them. 

For example, if your friend just lost her mother to cancer, your role would be to listen and tell her you are sorry for her loss and ask what she might need (comfort in).  You would bring a dish of food to help feed her family.  But the fears you have of cancer or how hard it will be to lose your own mother should be shared with your own friends or family who can help support you with your worries, as they’re in a ring larger than your own.  Fears and anxieties are normal responses to a crisis, but should not be dumped “in” on the person in crisis, but dumped “out” toward someone who can comfort you.

Think back to the times you were most comforted by someone.  It probably did not sound like,”You should hear what happened to me,” or “Here’s what I would do” or even, “This is making me so sad.”  Comfort and caring for someone in crisis focuses on giving the person your time and attention to say what they feel and need.  Most often, it’s not what you say at all, but your being present that provides the comfort of not being alone in the crisis.  Sharing the burden offers relief and reduces stress.  It also might be good to do some practical things like cleaning the house for them or offering child care.  

I think the creation of rings is, in essence, a way to acknowledge and create boundaries.  Often during a crisis, roles and feelings can be confusing as emotions are high and there is most often a lot of uncertainty.  We all react differently depending on our histories and resources.  Finding where you are in the layers of rings can be a great way to identify what role you can play for others and who can be there for you.  Who you should comfort and who you can dump your own stuff on.   Because in general, there’s never a right or wrong thing to feel or say when something traumatic happens, but there can be a right or wrong person to say these things to.  Rings help remind us what role we should play at a particular time in our circles of love.