I was visiting my brother recently in a suburb of DC and while standing outside in a light jacket, his neighbors were all  telling me they hadn’t really had a winter yet this year. No rain has fallen in Northern California in the entire month of February, normally a time we get our heaviest rains.  While we all felt the pull to take advantage of the sunny and warm weather, I was struck by the number of people saying they felt guilty for enjoying it, because they knew what it meant.  Our climate is changing and our planet is in crisis. It’s hard to feel good in the effect, when the cause is so catastrophic. I notice it everywhere. As people are awakening to the reality of climate change, they feel a sense of doom and helplessness.  It’s become so common and its effects so pronounced, the American Psychological Association put out a 70 page report on the issue of “Eco-anxiety,” its causes, symptoms and ways to manage it. The good news, you are not alone in experiencing it, and the better news is, if managed well, this anxiety may in fact be a part of the solution.

According to a Yale survey conducted in 2018, 70% of Americans are worried about climate change, 29% are very worried, and 51% feel helpless.  (I can’t imagine that in 2020 these numbers are even higher). The thing about it is, that we aren’t necessarily aware of this anxiety, as it lies underneath the surface as we listen to the news and then go about our day.  But as psychologists study the roots of our stresses and concerns, the emergence of this common form of anxiety has emerged. The American Psychological Association defines it as “a chronic fear of environmental doom.” The impact can range from day to day worry, to the fear and panic attacks that natural disaster victims experience after the fact.  Often people feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issue, mindful of their position as just one person on a planet of billions of people, and this leads to feelings of helplessness and depression. Psychology Today describes it as a source of stress caused by “watching the slow and seemingly irrevocable impacts of climate change unfold, and worrying about the future for oneself, children and later generations.”  It adds that people are “deeply affected by feelings of loss, helplessness, and frustration due to their inability to feel like they are making a difference in stopping climate change.” Young people are particularly affected as they feel the inheritors of a damaged ecosystem that was not of their making, and witness the lack of action on the part of our world leaders.

But, kept in check, eco-anxiety may be a good thing.  In the words of 16 year old Greta Thunberg, the young climate activist, “Adults keep saying, we owe it to the young people to give them hope.  But I don’t want your hope. I don’t want you to be hopeful, I want you to panic.” Eco-anxiety is not a mental health disorder. In fact, it seems like a rational response to a really serious problem.  We need to ask, is it more pathological to be very worried about climate change or is it more pathological NOT to be worried about climate change? Anxiety is precisely what can propel us to action. But overly high levels of anxiety or hopelessness can lead to paralysis.  

The antidote to isolating anxiety is taking steps that foster a sense of connection with your environment and your community.  Studies suggest that even small conversations about climate change fears can be helpful in understanding its presence and its impact.  These types of conversations can be followed up with strategies to take action. Joining in on letter writing campaigns, protests, sustainability efforts and the like, all do make a difference both psychologically, but also for the bigger picture.  Duncan Geere, a climate activist and author, suggests that eco-anxiety is the right response to the scale of the challenge. But he holds onto optimism by reminding himself that individuals have never been as powerful as they are in today’s society.  Steps you can take not only benefit you to feel better but can push for changes that will matter: “Firstly, make climate change a factor in the decisions you make around what you eat, how you travel and what you buy. Secondly, talk about climate change with your friends, family, and colleagues.  Finally, demand that politicians and companies make it easier and cheaper to do the right thing for the planet.”

I, too, am to blame for feeling anxious and angry and yet not doing enough about it.  But with the political season upon us, and candidates fighting for our votes, this is a great time to be active and make our voices heard.  We have to believe it is within our power to protect what is left and make a difference to the trajectory of our planet’s delicate systems. I personally believe it is a moral duty and the best thing we can do  to help our children cope with their fears and frustrations. While there is a lot of science telling us how bad the problem is getting, there is also a lot of science telling us that if we can act now, we can indeed make a difference.

I’m writing this post on Valentine’s Day, the holiday about love that’s turned into a day full of pressure for grand gestures and pricey gifting.  Not that I mind getting flowers or having a nice dinner (just a note to my husband), but in contrast, I thought I’d take some time to reflect on a very inexpensive but priceless expression of caring:  A good apology. Done well, it can be a most loving thing to do.  

Ironically, part of what got me thinking about this was the Houston Astros.  After being caught in a cheating scandal, they held a press conference to “apologize.”  The press was full of criticisms today about the unapology that was hidden in the apology.  Indeed, the apology backfired and made the public even more upset about what had happened. I think we all know what it’s like and how hurtful it is to have someone say “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” or “I’m sorry, but…”  An apology that seems more like a rationalization or drips with insincerity can truly make the pain even worse. Insult to injury, I suppose. To be truly effective with apologizing it takes a letting go of your ego. It means you must stop trying to be right and to completely put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  It’s so easy to tell when you’re apologizing to brush the issue under the rug (remember when you were a kid and your parents made you apologize to your sibling) or when you really want to make amends for something. Attitude is everything when you’re making an apology.  

So if your heart’s in the right place and you’re feeling ready, here are some tips based on research for what makes an effective apology (thanks to the researchers at the Greater Good Science Center):

-Acknowledgement.  Take responsibility and show that you recognize what you did and how it hurt.  Be as personal and specific as possible, taking ownership of what mistake you made.  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” rather than “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” “I am sorry that my comment was critical” rather than “I’m sorry for whatever I said.”

–Express your sorry feelings.  Part of why we avoid apologies is the shame or discomfort we feel.  But if you express these feelings, it lets the other person know it mattered to you and you are remorseful on a deep level.  “I’m embarrassed that I lost my temper and feel badly about it.”  

–Provide an explanation rather than an excuse.  Sometimes explaining what happened can show that it was not intentional and that you understand what happened in a way that you are fixing what went wrong.  Explanations that are defensive, or worse yet, put the blame on the person you hurt are not apologies. “You made me so mad,” is different from “I lost my temper.”

–Make amends.  As much as possible, repair what you can.  If you damaged something or lost something tangible, replace what you can.  For less tangible offenses, lay out a step or two that you will take to improve the situation and rebuild trust.  You might agree to call or text if you will be late if that has been a problem, or offer to share more information if a secret was kept. Make sure you ask the offended person what would be helpful to them, rather than doing something simply to relieve our own guilt.

And when you are offered an apology, remember that loving gestures go both ways.  Be gracious. If the person is trying and seems genuine, don’t hold a grudge or make them suffer as punishment.  It’s natural for it to take time to heal when someone hurts you, but giving the silent treatment or making snarky comments is passive aggressive.

And if anyone from the Houston Astros is listening, you can even apologize for a bad apology.  Sharing that you reflected more on a situation is a good thing. Life is a process and growth can take time.  Sometimes a little distance from a situation can give you a new perspective. Sharing this with someone can show them the situation has stayed with you as something you are learning from.  A gift of love such as this would be welcome any day of the year.

Last week the news of Kobe Bryant’s death was a shock to the community.  Whether or not you’re a sport’s fan, the sudden death of someone so well known and people so young grabbed all of our attention in collective grief.  As a psychologist, I couldn’t help but notice people’s reactions and observe our need for community at such times play out in all its forms. Suddenly, as the news appeared on people’s cell phones, all at once I saw people looking up, searching out other people, making eye contact and then starting up conversation.  I heard people chatting in lines at grocery stores and in waiting rooms. Even my normally testosterone filled sports talk radio station had phone lines jammed with people wanting to share their feelings and memories. It was actually a beautiful thing to see how the power of connection can help at such times.

When we go through something traumatic, it helps to have others to validate what seems too unbelievable to actually be true.  We can express our feelings and memories, which helps us process traumatic events and find comfort. We can gather more information to help us understand better what is happening, and sharing in our pain helps us hold it.  We compare our reactions to others which helps us to feel normal, and sharing about it or listening to it over and over helps us take it in something that is overwhelming in manageable smaller pieces. Death and loss can make us feel very alone, in a deep and existential way.  Sharing with others helps ease this sense of isolation.  

Studies show that social isolation and loneliness are associated with both poor mental health as well as physical health.  People who have social support cope with stressors better, have enhanced self esteem, have lower blood pressure and cardiovascular risks, are more likely to engage in health promoting behaviors and generally feel more resilient.  How so? Connecting with others increases the release of hormones that directly reduce our stress. Oxytocin is a hormone which functions to decrease anxiety levels and stimulates our bodies system to calm down (the parasympathetic nervous system).  Spending time with other people directs our energy outward and can distract us from our own pain and make us feel better about ourselves in being able to help others. People who are socially connected feel wanted and cared for which is so important for mental health plus they have people with whom they can talk through their problems and get advice or help.  Time spent with other people also strengthens your sense that life has purpose and meaning, which can be an important factor in coping at times when life has thrown you a curveball.

The good news is that you only need a few people to get these benefits.  And it’s true that quality is much better than quantity. Having a few people that you can really share with is much better than a large number of people that you don’t know very well.  The bad news is that during times of extreme stress, we tend to isolate and withdraw, often times not wanting to be a burden to others. Or, there are times when people pull away from us.  Some people don’t know how to be with people who are hurting or in crisis. Out of ignorance, they pull away, just at the time we may need them the most.

The best thing that can come from tragedy is a great appreciation for those you love.  In the reactions to Kobe’s death, I heard so many people feel the urge to go home and hug their family.  When your life is going well, or well enough, is the best time to be proactive in building your support system.  Successful relationships are mutual. Stay in touch. Reach out to people before you need to make a difficult phone call delivering bad news.  Return calls and e-mails, check in on people regularly. Be a good listener, find out what is important in other people’s lives. Take time to say thank you and be available to other people when you think they need support.  You can also incorporate other people into your life by exercising with them, extending an invitation to just one or two more people, and introducing yourself to a neighbor and other people you may see regularly but never talk to.  

Even when we don’t know what to say, just sitting next to someone can be healing.  Or holding someone’s hand, or eating a meal someone cooked for you. When someone famous dies, and the world is in mourning, it’s a good reminder to think about all the not famous people who are hurting:   a widow wo lost her partner of 60 years, parents who had a miscarriage, a son who is taking care of a parent with Alzheimers. The opportunity for love and connection is truly all around us.  

I had never heard of it before, but my friends, a married couple, told me they were both doing it.  “It’s so hard” they shared with me, but it was making a big difference. It was called the 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge.  The goal is to go 21 days in a row without complaining. As a reminder, you put a bracelet on your wrist and you switch it each time you catch yourself complaining.  When you switch the bracelet, your 21 days resets, meaning you’re on Day 1 again. Sound easy? Hah! The furthest I’ve gotten in two weeks is Day 3. But already I have noticed a change for the better.

The founder of this 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge is Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister.  In 2006, while giving a series of talks, he noticed how much people focused on what they didn’t have or didn’t like. He was concerned about the negative impact on people and in their relationships.  He came up with the challenge as an experiment explaining his rationale that word choice determines thought choice, which in turn determines emotions and actions. The reason for the goal of 21 days?  That is the length of time research shows it generally takes to change a habit. And complaining is much more of a habit then you realize, as those of us undertaking the challenge are finding out.  

My own experience has shown me how often I react with a complaint or use it to start a conversation.  “It’s so frustrating,” I might say to my friend and then complain of something I’m annoyed by, expecting this other person to join in.  Bowen posits there are five main reasons that people complain. The first reason may be simply to get attention, hoping to be noticed and validated.  The second reason may be to avoid taking responsibility about why something won’t work out, blaming some other person or cause. A third reason may be to make us feel better.  By putting someone else down, we feel superior. The fourth reason he suggests is an attempt to gain power, pulling people in to support our perspective. And finally, the fifth reason Bowen suggests is to excuse bad performance.  It is the past tense version of avoiding taking responsibility. We create stories that deflect from our own failure or missteps. Together, he creates this handy acronym: GRIPE (get attention responsibility, inspire envy, power and excuse).

A complaint, as defined by Will Bowen, is “to express grief, pain or discontent.”  Fortunately for me, in his view, a complaint must be spoken, by definition, and does not include our negative thinking.  It also does not include speaking directly to (and only to) a person who can directly resolve or help you resolve your problem (telling a server at a restaurant if something is wrong with your order is not a complaint, for example.). Complaining is any time you gossip, complain, or criticize out loud.  The effect of my Complaint Free Challenge time so far is pretty powerful. I have become much more aware of my negativity. I am noticing how much of a reflex saying something negative can be. The Challenge is indeed helping me let go of a negative thought and reframing it with something more positive. Already, although I am only getting a few days in a row, I do feel I am thinking differently.  I can see that with time, if and when I make it to 21 days, I will indeed have trained and conditioned myself to be more positive. And if testimonials of hundreds of thousands of people on his 21 Day Challenge Website are true, this will have the effect of creating both a greater sense of appreciation and happiness within myself, but also for the people around me.  

If you want to read more about the Challenge, Will Bowen has a website (willbowen.com) and book, A Complaint Free World.  He even sells little purple rubber bracelets you can use as your reminder.  (I don’t look good in purple, so I’m using one of my own bracelets – uh oh, switch wrists?)  If my own experience and what I hear from my friends and people online is any indication, it’s really hard but worthwhile to take the challenge. And if it makes us feel any better, Bowen reports that it takes the average person eight months to make it the 21 days of complaint free living!!

Will Bowen:  “Complaining is like bad breath — you notice it when it comes out of someone else’s mouth, but not when it comes out of your own.”  (Yes, he seems like a character. Not a complaint.)

For the first post of 2020, the beginning or end of the decade depending on your point of view, I thought I would open with a bit of inspiration for changing your mood, and with it maybe even society, for the better.  I came across an article about a concept I hadn’t heard before, but thankfully have experienced. It came from a Professor at the University of Virginia who, ironically, spent his career studying the experience of disgust.  He found social situations were powerful inducers of a sense of disgust, such as when you see someone behave in a way that is cruel or hypocritical. Our reactions to this feeling are protective in nature. We withdraw and become more guarded as a means of self protection.  But after years of studying this reaction of repulsion, Dr. Haidt began to wonder about the opposite. What happens when you see someone do something altruistic?  

It turns out there’s a unique and measurable experience that happens to us when we witness what is described as moral beauty and that this experience is widely known across cultures and historical times.  It is the “warm, uplifting feeling that people experience when they see unexpected acts of goodness, kindness, courage, or compassion,” according to Dr. Haidt, and he called the experience “elevation.” The experience of elevation is often surprising and brings with it a sense of joy.  But it’s also a unique experience that differs from feelings of happiness, in that elevation elicits a good feeling about the world and other people, elicits a unique physical experience of a warm, tingly sensation in the chest, and makes people feel more open to other people and want to be helpful themselves.  

In fact, studies show that when people are “happy,” they are more likely to engage in more self-focused or internal pursuits, while people experiencing “elevation” turned their attention toward others and expressed a desire to become better people.  Other studies seem to suggest that elevation may increase the amount of oxytocin circulating in our bodies by stimulating the hormone’s release. Oxytocin is the hormone associated with attachment and bonding. This may be the physiological mechanism underlying elevation’s powerful effect when we can be thrilled or even moved to tears by witnessing acts of kindness and feel a warm glow for a period of time afterward.  And other researchers have found that the higher the sense of elevation, the more motivated and the more actual follow through there is in actually engaging in prosocial behaviors.

In reflecting on the data, researchers believe we are in fact wired to be inspired, as they say.  The fact that we can be so responsive to the good deeds of others, even when we don’t benefit directly, is a really positive aspect of human nature.  Haidt notes that a particularly interesting aspect of elevation is its social benefit, which is the power to spread. When people are elevated, they tend to share the story of what moved them, which in turn elevates others.  When an elevation story is told well it is contagious. Powerful moments of elevation, whether experienced first hand or second hand, appear “to push a mental “reset” button, wiping out feelings of cynicism and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, optimism,” he writes.

I feel so lucky in that I am surrounded by acts that inspire elevation on a daily basis.  Working at a health center dedicated to serving the underserved exposes me to doctors, nutritionists, administrators, mental health workers, medical assistants, and even maintenance workers who could make more money in private industry but are dedicated to a mission.  The mission and culture seem to inspire everyone to serve our patients in a respectful and giving way. I knew that I was fortunate to be around such smart and dedicated people, but reading about elevation helps me understand how the culture continues despite the setbacks of budget cuts, changes in the healthcare system, and stressful schedules.  When one of us is having a bad day, the giving spirit of someone else carries us through and picks us up.

Of course we all have our moments of disgust and despair, but it gives me great hope to think how good deeds inspire others to engage in good deeds.  We all have the ability to elevate one another. There is great benefit to ourselves and to society in appreciating and sharing about all the good that is happening around us.  While watching the nightly news may bring me down, a good deed story may in fact be more powerful to lift me up. Sharing the good may be exponentially good for all of us.

Last night was the first night of Chanukah, which celebrates the Jews defeating Syrian-Greek oppressors who had tried forcing them to abandon their religion and adopt Greek culture.  Led by Judah Maccabee, they recaptured the holy temple in Jerusalem. When arriving there they found only enough olive oil to light the holy eternal flame for one night, but it lasted miraculously for eight nights, giving them time to replenish it.  Hence, the holiday is known as the “Festival of Lights.” Ultimately, to me this is a story about resilience: the little drop of oil that persevered for eight nights and the people who persevered in recapturing their temple and continuing their faith.

With the New Year approaching this is a perfect time to think about resilience.  In reflecting on the past year, most of us lament about the goals we didn’t achieve and the ways we didn’t measure up.  Then in drawing up resolutions for next year, we continue the theme of harping on everything we failed at and pledge to correct them all.  But what about all the things we did right? What about all the small and big challenges that we overcame, both daily and throughout the year?  Some years the wind is in your favor and you can travel far downstream. But some years the headwinds are so strong you may paddle your little heart out and seem like you didn’t get anywhere at all. We can miss the resilience and success in keeping yourself from having been blown off course.  

Resilience is defined by the US Department of Health and Human Services as “the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversity and stress.”  Resilience is about using coping strategies to maintain, return to, or possibly even mature in your mental health and well being. I am sure if you think about your 2019, you will discover many ways in which you were quite successful in overcoming hardships.  In case you are having trouble, here are a few elements that researchers have found that contribute to resilience.

-Optimism:  staying positive about the future even when faced with big obstacles

-Altruism:  helping others is a way to boost your mood and sense of efficacy

– Moral compass: holding on to a set of beliefs about what is right and wrong -Humor: laughing at your own misfortune

-Social Supports: allowing yourself to be vulnerable and stay connected  

-Facing Fear: being willing to leave your comfort zone and confront their fear  

-Meaning in Life:  having a sense of purpose allows us to persevere  

-Training: receiving feedback and using it to improve, having a growth mindset  

Now pat yourself on the back for getting through, raise a glass and toast your perseverance, and applaud your ability to overcome all that you did.  You have had many successes this year, so give yourself credit for how you got by. And perhaps in setting goals for 2020, you can resolve to highlight and enhance your skills in resilience.  It truly will be the gift that keeps on giving!!

As the days get shorter, darker, and colder this time of year, animals take the clue and hibernate.  So why do we get busier and insist on decking our halls? Why do we shop till we drop and insist on fa-la-la-la-la?  Our natural inclination tells us to slow down and withdraw, but our cultural expectations and hence our personal expectations are quite the opposite.  Seems like a set up to me.

Most people find it hard to get motivated this time of year and with the darkness comes the desire to just go home and retreat.  The skies are grey and cloudy, the sunlight is low in the sky, and plants and trees are in their cycle of dormancy. The trees lose their leaves and the cold weather slows things down and causes us to seek shelter.  It is the natural order of death before rebirth. Similarly, rather than trying to fight it, we too might mirror this environmental process psychologically. Winter can be a time to honor darkness and to journey deep within to reflect, restore, and nourish ourselves internally.  The winter solstice is a powerfully symbolic time. The sun metaphorically dies on the longest darkest night of the year, and is reborn the next day to begin its journey to the summer solstice. The time before the winter solstice is an opportunity for grieving, acknowledging what’s been lost, and letting go.  By accepting and embracing our sorrows we can heighten our awareness of other’s pain and deepen our compassion toward others by means of thee compassion we show ourselves.

Celebrating darkness is not about celebrating evil, but uncovering the depths of who we are.  When we allow ourselves to go within, we can discover parts of ourselves the light has never touched.  We can find seeds of potential that have been dormant waiting for nourishment. The darkness can offer a peaceful time to attend to our souls and work on relating better to parts of our selves and to relationships that live within us as memories of people we have lost.  This is rich work that can heal and replenish us if we allow ourselves the time and space.

Ironically, in contrast to the natural world, our cultural traditions run counter to this quiet time of reflection.  Shops are open 24 hours, music blares, and stressful obligations seem to rule the day. Not that I mean to be a ba-hum-bug scrooge, but I have been thinking more about giving ourselves the chance to slow down and find more balance.  I, myself, as well as many people I talk to, feel obligated to fight the urge to withdraw at this time of year and experience “holiday blues.” WIth the expectation that we should feel happy joyous, and merry, our inclination to retreat feels like there is something wrong with us.  But maybe there is nothing wrong with us. Maybe what is wrong is our frenetic insistence on pushing ourselves to do the very opposite of what seems to be calling? Maybe we could learn to find peace within our calm and even within our sorrow. Embracing darkness just may be what is needed to clear a path for the rebirth that inevitably comes with the return of the light.  

Every year I sing the praises of Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday with the three F’s – family, food, and football. But I also really love it for being a holiday centered around gratitude. I have written before about how gratitude is the Superpower of positive psychology and most people by now have heard about Gratitude Journals (thanks Oprah).  But this year I came across some good research about the mechanisms of gratitude’s power and thought I would share with you some insights and good news about that attitude of gratitude.

In an article from the Center for Greater Good (wouldn’t you want to work there?) the review of the literature on gratitude leads to a conclusion that gratitude is not just a positive state of mind but an active process that leads us to cope with stress and regulate our emotions in beneficial ways.  When we feel grateful we manage difficult emotions both more effectively and in ways that are deemed “healthier,” meaning they lead us to better future outcomes. Researchers found four basic underlying mechanisms of how this works.First, grateful people were more likely to take steps to actively deal with their problems or try to look for “silver linings” (called positive reframing in psychology speak). As a result, they were less likely to give up trying or blame themselves. Second, grateful people were more likely to reach out to others when they were stressed.  When we feel appreciative of people’s past efforts at helping us, we will have a higher expectation of finding benefit if we reach out again. The third finding of what grateful people do that leads to good coping is that gratitude actually changes our experience of negative emotions. It almost serves as a thought inoculation. Grateful people use more insight into cause and effect that helps them reappraise negative situations and thereby manage the negative emotions that may be a result. And finally, research reveals that grateful people are more patient. Grateful people show a higher capacity for delay of gratification (more psychology speak for the idea that you can put off the desire for a small reward to wait for a bigger reward.)  Delay of gratification has been largely associated with emotional intelligence and life success (like getting through 4 years of hard work in college to get a degree or resisting the good looking guy who isn’t so good to you to wait for the better choice).

But the most interesting and best news for me in reading the research about gratitude was how easy it was to achieve the gratitude. In each study that found a beneficial effect of gratitude, they created the group of grateful subjects by simply asking people to write about gratitude! (The control group of “non-grateful” people wrote about neutral topics). Some studies had subjects journal a few times a week for a month and some studies had subjects remember a time when they were appreciative and write about it.  But that was all it took! It wasn’t that they combed the streets looking for grateful human beings, they were able to create an attitude of gratitude in the lab and then have people reap the benefits!! How amazing is that!!

So in thinking about my love of Thanksgiving, maybe it’s the aura of gratitude that makes the children look a bit cuter, the pie taste a little sweeter, and the football loss a little less painful. Digging into a helping of gratitude may actively engage my more positive coping tools and facilitate what makes the day feel so special. So when your Aunt Bessie hurts your feelings or you burn the dinner rolls because Uncle Fred was telling you about his latest political theory, take a moment to remind yourself about what you do love about your family.  It just may be what keeps you wanting to come back year after year.

This past week, having survived the evacuations and power outages caused by the Kinkade fires in my county, I’ve had an interesting re-awakening to the meaning of community.  While being more of an introvert who lives in a rather remote home environment, the realization of how vulnerable I am as an individual was never more apparent than when faced with a looming natural disaster.  The networks of relatedness and dependency became all too clear as we each sat and listened to the radio for news from our community leaders, texted one another to check in and share information, and offered one another resources, many families sharing homes (thank you Hart Kaufman family!), volunteering in evacuation centers, and providing food and care as needed.  Whether we are aware or not, we are all part of multiple layers of community including family, friendships, religious or spiritual, political, social, professional, and the list goes on. This weeks post is an homage to this interconnection that we too often take for granted.

The dictionary definition of community involves both a boundary and a relationship.  The boundary aspect is defined as “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.”  This can be your County, your neighborhood or your housing. It can also be your ethnicity, your religion, or your love of hummingbirds.  We are all complicated beings with many possible layers of community defined by our our unique combination of both inherent and chosen identity characteristics and interests.  The relationship aspect of the definition of community involves “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” It is our tribal human nature that once we define ourselves as having something in common, a sense of bonding or camaraderie tends to follow.  

Particularly in California culture, the Western notion of individual achievement and autonomy of spirit is valued.  We think of the lone cowboy riding off on his horse for our history and the brilliant home grown entrepreneur of modern day heroics. But the fact is, that no one lives without community and we all reap the benefits of that collective structure.  It is the very essence of civilization and society providing us with rules to live by, streets to drive on, and places to feel safe. But that all feels so abstract, until a fire bears down on your home and smoke fills the air. Suddenly and with great clarity, we come to see how much we need each other.  Community provides resources and knowledge. It provides support and comfort, and it provides leadership and opportunities for service. There is nothing that bridges differences better than a shared sense of community effort.  

As people return to their homes and the smoke in the air clear, I hope we can all keep the spirit that holds us together during these tough times.  Personally, it has encouraged me to take a look at my own sense of community belonging and how it has changed. I don’t have children in the local schools any more, and this was a big source of community for me for many years.  Replacing community feels to be an important effort that I could easily ignore. Over time, layering disconnections can lead to isolation. I see this in my work every day, the breakdown of family and social connections that leads to depression and isolation.  It’s very hard to be alone, but it’s also very challenging to join in once you feel like an outsider.  

When I think about who I am, I think about myself as an individual:  Romanian, college graduate, psychologist, New York Giants fan. But every one of these pieces of identity is within a community that offers the opportunity for connection.   It does take effort, but stepping up and out of my comfort zone is an important thing to do for my emotional and physical well being. Community gives me a sense of purpose and belonging when times are good and resources and support for times when I need help.  Disasters can come at any time and in many forms for each of us: fire, drought, divorce, illness. The old cliches still ring true: No person is an island and we all need someone to lean on. And if you’ve watched the NY Giants this season, you know how true that is.

It’s always fun for me to watch people trying on costumes for Halloween.  Their body language changes, their demeanor shifts, and some sort of alter ego emerges.  It got me thinking about our clothes and the influence it has on us. Fun fact, as it turns out, there is a developing psychology all about this! 

“Embodied cognition” is the study of how our thought processes are based on our physical experiences that set off abstract processes.  For example, research shows that washing your hands is associated with a sense of moral purity and ethical judgments. People rate others personally warmer  if they hold a hot drink in their hand, and colder if they hold an iced drink. And if you carry a heavy clipboard, you will feel more important! A group of researchers took this a step further to investigate “enclothed cognition,”looking at the “systematic influence that clothes have on the wearer’s psychological processes.”  In other words, what do the clothes you wear say to you, not about you, and how this influences how you behave. 

Researchers at Northwestern University did a series of experiments having subjects wear either a doctors coat, an artists smock, or street clothes.  Despite the fact that the doctor’s coat and the artist’s smock were actually absolutely identical, the people wearing what they believed was the doctor’s coat performed much better on  tasks and were more careful and attentive. Just looking at the doctor’s coat had no effect on performance, it was only when subjects had it on did it change their outcomes. The researchers conclude that “the influence of clothes depends both on wearing the clothing and the meaning it invokes in their psychological schema.”  Doctors are generally thought to be highly intelligent, precise, and scientific thinkers, while artists are generally thought to be free thinking creative types. People ascribed a symbolic meaning to an article of clothing and while wearing it, took on the character strength they perceived.  

Enclothed cognition gives scientific proof to the idea that you should dress not how you feel, but how you want to feel.  The clothes you choose are sending messages to those around you, but also to yourself! When you dress a certain way, it does influence your internal self.  When you feel low or nervous about a job at hand, dressing up can change things. Clothes influence the body and the brain, putting us in a state of expectation that alters how we approach and interact with our world, and in turn, how the world responds to us.  We have uniforms of all types in our lives, beyond what we wear to work. What we wear to the grocery store, to work out in, or on a date may have more influence than we realize in how we things go for us.  

So this Halloween have some fun!  Try on an outfit very different from your comfortable self.  How does it make you feel? How does it affect how you hold your body posture? Your attitude?  Does it make you feel more powerful or more attractive? Bolder or sillier? Then imagine how you might use this in what you choose to wear each morning.   This new research shows it to be at least somewhat true, that clothes makes the man (or woman)!