In my first year of graduate school we learned a technique for anxious and obsessive thinking called “thought stopping.”  Basically it involved putting a rubber band around your wrist and every time you had the negative thought, you would snap the rubber band and say “stop!”  Yes, I had the same reaction you’re probably having:  Is this the best we can do to help people already in pain?  Fortunately, psychologists have come a long way in understanding the complex relationship between our thoughts and feelings and have developed some kinder techniques to address negative thinking.  And this past week, several of the people I work with inspired me with their creativity and reminded me of the power of self compassion in thought redirection.

What we’ve come to find in research and in practical experience is that trying to NOT have a thought is not possible.  We really don’t have much control of what pops into our heads.  And reactive thoughts are commonly old tapes of things we’ve long ago internalized, often from bad experiences, such as “I need to be perfect or else…,” “I won’t be loved if…”, or “bad things will happen if…”  Thoughts like these are our minds’ way of anticipating what may go wrong and trying to gain a sense of control to protect us.  Fighting against these thoughts is counterproductive,in that by trying to not have thoughts,.they seem to only take on greater power.  

What we can do when we have these unpleasant thoughts is use the mindfulness technique of acceptance and self compassion.  We can allow the thoughts to happen and then redirect our thoughts toward kinder responses.  For example, a man I work with had not been able to drive due to panic attacks.  He felt his heartbeat and his mind race with all the bad things that could happen were he to make an error in judgment.  The more he tried to stop himself from thinking about it, the more tense he became.  Over the last few weeks he’s been able to develop a compassionate response to his anxious thinking by telling himself, “It’s just a really uncomfortable situation because I am a caring person who wants to be safe.”  In this way he reduced the intensity of his anxiety and redirected his mind away from the panicky feelings and on to his strengths of being a responsible driver.  Another man I work with would wake up to scary thoughts of feeling hopeless and afraid since losing his job during the pandemic.  His mind would take over with “what ifs” that led him to the point of feeling depressed and lethargic.  In working on it, he recognized that he was a very visual person and found it helpful to imagine throwing a bucket of bleach on his thoughts and whitewashing them away.  By giving his mind a “love bath,” he was clearing out the thoughts that were bringing him down and making space for new ideas.

Often people find it hard to be compassionate with themselves, especially when their negative thoughts involve guilt or blame.  At these times, it’s helpful to step back and embrace your thoughts for the underlying intentions.  For example, if you’re angry at yourself and ruminating about what you said to your child even after apologizing, remind yourself that you were acting out of love and caring, even if it came out the wrong way.  Or if you are having thoughts about mistakes you will make on the job or how you will disappoint your co-workers, remind yourself that these thoughts are just fears because you are actually a great worker who wants to do a good job.  

It’s interesting to see how people can become so stuck when thinking of how to talk to themselves in caring ways, but as soon as I ask them what they would say to a friend in the same situation, they become quite insightful.  Somehow when talking to a friend we don’t hold the same rigid views or perfectionistic standards.  So as a last resort, if people can’t think of anything nice to say to themselves, I encourage them to think of the most loving person they know, and think about what they would say to them in that moment.  Hopefully over time this kinder, gentler voice becomes internalized.  Because when you’re being your own worst enemy, it’s the exact time you also need to be your very own BFF. 

Every year at this time I share how Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and then reflect on some aspect of gratitude (the NY GIants had a bye this week-couldn’t lose!).  But with all of the craziness of 2020 and the layers of losses we’re experiencing, it seems a little preachy right now to be encouraging people to make gratitude lists and to look on the bright side of what you do have.  But ironically, it is through the pain of loss that we can really experience gratitude.  It can, indeed, be a silver lining and a way of finding hope and comfort in dark times.

Both my clinical sense and the research I’ve read strongly suggest that a deeply experienced grief process often leads to a heightened sense of appreciation both for what was lost and for what is left behind. In one study of people who had lost a parent, 79% said that the loss had increased their sense of appreciation for life and relationships.  In addition, these people had lower levels of depression and a greater level of well being.  And just as I have experienced in the 25 years since my sister died, there are times of deep melancholy even now.  But along the way in being cracked open there is also a sense of deeper connection to how precious and fleeting life is and for what truly matters.

With this pandemic leading to so many deaths as well as the loss of experiences and opportunities, I think if we can allow ourselves to feel the grief, it is possible that if can bring a greater appreciation for the times when we can be together, when we can hug one another freely, and can travel and wander without hesitation.  Grief is a very complex process and it comes in waves as it unfolds a bundle of feelings including memories for what was, dreams for what could be, and regrets for what can never be. In allowing ourselves to acknowledge these layers, we can more deeply connect to what’s important to us.

I am very moved by a Facebook page started by a woman, Kelly Buckley,  who was struggling after the death of her son, Stephen  She wondered how she would go on and how she could help her other son.  She started with a small  step of finding one tiny thing to be grateful for each day. Let me share with you her words as my gift to you this Thanksgiving:  As the days, weeks and months passed, our list of tiny blessings continued to grow, bringing flickers of light and hope along with it. We found we couldn’t just limit it to one little thing any longer. Blessings were sprouting up all over the place. Butterflies, belly laughs with snorts included, fresh strawberries, naps, a letter from Stephen’s friend, birds, chats with my son or a moment of normalcy with my husband. It did not change the pain of the loss. But it did alleviate some of the suffering. I started to see that all these one little things were actually the big things that really gave meaning to my life. This path of gratitude was healing me, and tethering me to the present moment as I grieved. And in the present moment, I was okay.

Kelly refers to her Facebook group as Just One Little Thing and her members are “JOLTers.”  It began in 2011 and has over 120,000 members from over 50 countries speaking over 40 languages.

Please have a safe and festive holiday no matter where you are, who you are with, or how you celebrate.  Giving thanks does not require any other people to be present, a cooked turkey or pumpkin pie, or even a zoom account.  You just need an open heart.

While election results were being counted, a woman I work with in therapy remarked that it was “time to focus on my own problems again.”  Indeed, there does seem to be a collective exhale that we all need to take after such a long campaign and election process. But her comment got me thinking about what each of us considers our “own problems” and the relationship we hold between the personal and the political.  

For so many years I’ve been honored to hear the most intimate details of people’s personal problems as they engage with me as their therapist.   People come for help in taking personal responsibility for what is happening in their lives.  But often what is happening is beyond their control to fix and their problems reflect trends and commonalities, traumas and societal and institutional ills.  Because they can’t seem to get a foothold to “pull themselves up by the bootstraps,” they are left feeling that they did something wrong. For example, working at a health center many of the people seek our services after a health crisis.  They can’t work the way they used to and go through a series of cascading and devastating losses, including esteem and identity and the various manifestations of financial hardship, such as losing their home and the freedoms they once had when they had more resources.  In trying to cope with their new situation, they suddenly come into contact with a host of governmental agencies, including the disability system, low income housing, and possibly even food stamps.   Worn down and feeling dependent, these people often fall into depression and are vulnerable to addiction, given both physical and emotional pain and the loss of a sense of purpose.  This only fuels their identity as damaged people who have little to contribute and who feel disempowered from participating in the political process -the very process that creates the systems they now for the first time really understand.

I have mentioned in previous blogs the trend I’ve seen over the last 20 years of the majority of people seeking psychological services for depression shifting to the majority of people coming in for anxiety.  I have seen suicidal thinking in adolescents and children rise dramatically and the age at which it begins get lower and lower.  These are not individual problems, but reflect trends in society, perhaps related to the role of social media and the widening income gap that creates feelings of helplessness, stress, negative social comparison, and a sense of failure.   These cultural and political trends are reflected in the daily struggles of each and every one of us, yet we are but one person in a society that seems to be moving so rapidly in a direction we can’t seem to keep up with.

And the truth is, for the woman I saw this week who is ready to get back to her own problems, a change in President is most likely not going to make as much difference in her life as recognizing her own patterns and addressing her own choices in relationships and coping behavior.  Her day to day emotions will be far more affected by the moments of joy we can help her to find and the sense of calm she can achieve by quieting her inner critic with mindfulness. And maybe even medication is the answer, because sometimes we are so stuck, we no longer have the energy or capacity to cope. And yet, while I help people take control in the ways that seem most beneficial, I can’t help but sometimes feel I am enabling a society that is harming its people.  

There are reasons bigger than our personal responsibility that influence us.  Oppression, grief, trauma, and even good fortune are most often things we cannot control.  We often say in our therapy group Seeking Safety, for people who have experienced trauma, that while you are not responsible for your trauma, you can take responsibility for how you respond to it.  But then, who is responsible for the trauma?  

I believe unequivocally that we are responsible for our choices.  But I also believe we are responsible for each other.  And perhaps this is where the rubber meets the road for me, where the personal and the political intersect.  We all carry a responsibility for the society we live in that has the power to create or destroy opportunity, equality, and decency.  And for each of us in our roles as parent, friend, teacher, business owner, civil servant, or President, we need to ask ourselves how we each personally contribute and influence the maintenance of our society.  To ignore the larger trends and not speak out when justice is denied or compassion is lacking is self indulgent.  But it is also self indulgent to do nothing to empower ourselves, denying  our own inner strength and resourcefulness that can contribute to the greater good.  

A Presidential election offers an opportunity to exercise our democratic right to select a leader who represents what we want our society to be. We select a leader to enact the will of the people.  But we sometimes forget that this is a will we personally own every single day of our lives and in every interaction we have.  It’s not just an every four year right, but an everyday opportunity.

(Note: I have found throughout my career that non-profits have been tasked with picking up the pieces of society’s ills. But they rely on the generosity of people willing to do the hard work with little resources and the constant solicitaton of those willing to contribute. Yet they hold a lot of the pain and stress caused by governing that does not protect the vulnerabilty of many citizens).

I voted last week and boy did it feel good!  So good, in fact, I wanted to keep the little “I Voted” sticker on for days and grab another one to wear on election day.  The afterglow is still with me even now.  It just feels like such a relief to finally have a chance to do something for change and to express my opinion about what has been going on the last four years. 

Realistically, my vote matters very little.  I live in California that tends to vote heavily blue and my one vote among so many millions is not going to be the deciding factor.  Even knowing this, though, it still feels like I, personally, finally had my say!  This got me thinking about the psychological benefits of voting.  It turns out, according to the American Psychological Association and other political scientists, there is a measurable mental health benefit to voting.

Voting does in fact make you happy!  Studies show people who vote have higher levels of happiness, likely because it makes you feel a part of a larger group.  It ties you to your community and brings people together for a cause bigger than themselves.  Voting is tied to a feeling of inner peace, largely related to having engaged in a pro-social activity.  And most significantly, according to research, voting benefits mental health as it empowers people, giving you a voice in changing what is important to you. 

“When you believe you are doing something that could make your life better, that’s where the most psychological benefits come in,” says Lynn Sanders, a political science professor at the University of Virginia.  The act of voting transforms into an act of protest and an opportunity to stand up for what you believe in.  Even if your candidate loses, having voted helps you cope better with the results.  Marc Zimmerman, a researcher in voting behavior, finds that even if you don’t end up with your desired results, having participated makes you feel good.  “We find people are happier with the outcome and they feel more in control of their lives if they voted, rather than feeling things don’t matter.”  Even though the positive benefits of voting are better if your candidate or issues win, there are still positive psychological effects in that you were able to make your opinion known.

Research also shows the benefit for kids in watching their parents vote.  Children become more involved in the issues and are more likely to engage in critical thinking when parents share their participation in the political process, even if the kids are too young to vote.  They, too, feel a sense of increased control and empowerment when they believe their interests are being represented by their parents’ vote.

I have been so moved by the reports and images of people waiting in line for so many hours to vote (also appalled that this is happening in our country).  It gives me hope that people care and want to be active in shaping our country.  And selfishly, I must admit, in experiencing this great feeling, it makes me want to get and stay even more involved.  Being politically engaged and active is something I could and should do all year round.  This joy is cheaper than a vacation, less calories than ice cream, and lasts longer than a cocktail buzz.  It also makes me feel grateful and humbled that I live in a country and a time where I have this right and privilege at all.   So, please, do yourself a favor.     If you haven’t already, make sure you vote.  You’ll be happier because you did.

In honoring RBG after her passing, clips were shown of her sharing the advice she was given on her wedding day: “In every good marriage,” Ginsburg’s mother-in-law said, “it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”  This reminded me of the great advice my Grandmother Rose gave me when I got engaged.  In honor of my 25th wedding anniversary this week, I thought I would share her advice and what it’s meant to me.

“Never do in the first year of marriage what you’re not prepared to do for the rest of your life,” she said to me.  Being rather young and naive, it sounded like great advice to me.  But I took it pretty literally.  I thought about the sharing of household duties and decisions about our finances and what precedents I did or did not want to set.  It was all very practical and, I can admit now, rather defensive.  I looked at everything through the lens of what I did not want to get stuck doing or be expected to do from then on. Luckily my husband is a pretty easy going guy and knew it was important to me to keep my independence, especially as I was freaked out about giving up my aspects of my identity in moving to California.

But now 25 years in, I am older, and hopefully wiser, and think just as much about that advice, but from a very different perspective.  Rather than thinking about what I should not do in that first year, I think about what I should keep doing that I did do in that first year.  The mindset of young lovers is a beautiful thing. When we’re fresh in a relationship and falling in love, we tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt, we express our love frequently and delight in the words of the other person and enjoy how we make them happy.  We stay in the moment and don’t throw our history of complaints at them (ok, mostly because we don’t have many) or stay bitter.  We see the best in each other and project that lovely image forward to a lifetime of respected, adoring, and empathic partnership.

Like everyone blessed to reach this milestone, my husband and I have been through a lot together; births, deaths, illness,  fires, professional ups and downs, and financial challenges.  But looking back, it isn’t the magnanimous gestures that I most appreciate, but the little ways we were there for eachother; the steady, trustworthy, reliable voice at the end of the day that said through actions and listening far more than any words that we are loved and valued.  

And to my beloved groom, I still want to make you happy, I still envision our future together, and respect your opinion immensely about most everything.  I want you to live your dreams and know that you feel cherished.  I feel so blessed at all you have taught me and the partnership and family we have created and nurtured together.  And yes, we argue over the same topics and get annoyed at the same pet peeves with one another, but the stability of knowing we can disagree andbe angry, we can say things we regret and forget to do what we promised, but have the faith in our commitment that we are going to say we are sorry and not just say we will do better, but mean it.

And for me, at our 25th anniversary with all of the history together behind us, I look forward to a renewed commitment each year of my grandmother’s wise words:  We will do for each other what we did in our first year of marriage for the rest of our lives.

Funny note, we were finally going to do the honeymoon we never had and go to Greece this week.  That fell through due to the pandemic.  We thought we would play it safe and so we booked a night at a local spa with a mineral pool for soaking.  That just got canceled due to wildfire evacuations.  Such is 2020!  Hopefully we can celebrate it all for our 26th!

Like many people this past week, I’ve been grieving the loss of the Notorious RBG.  As with the passing of many of our great leaders, it gives us a chance to have perspective on their life’s accomplishments and how this will translate to a future legacy.  But somehow for me the passing of RBG feels so personal,  like I have lost someone so dear to me, even though I never met her.  This got me thinking about the role of role models, and how even in my 50’s it helps to have someone to look up to.

Role models, as defined by the  Center for Parenting Education are people who influence others by serving as examples.  They are often admired by people who try to emulate them.  “Through their perceived qualities, behaviors, or achievements, they can inspire others to strive and develop without providing any direct instruction.”  I certainly greatly admire Justice Ginsberg, as her work on behalf of equality was brilliant, persistent, and took great skill and courage.  She emulates many of the values that I hold dear such as showing strength without sacrificing kindness, appreciating the power of words to express and influence, and carefully crafting her dissents to stand against a majority when she felt it was right.  She valued relationships and humor, her actions often embodying her quote “you can disagree without being disagreeable.”

But there is also something personal for me in my connection to Justice Ginsberg.  She felt familiar.  Like her, my grandmother Rose and my mother, Irma, were Jewish girls raised in the synagogues and libraries of Brooklyn.  Her sense of style and decorum, intellectual discourse, and dedication to service reflect the strength of the women who raised me and who made it possible for me to pursue my goals.  I was lucky to be surrounded by these influences and somehow, when Justice Ginsberg evolved into the cultural icon of RBG, it felt like validation.  It gave me hope to see the love, by young women as well as older women, for the ideals and intellectual prowess Justice Ginsberg demonstrated.  With so many reality stars and pop culture celebrities dominating the media, the celebration of the life and accomplishments of Justice Ginsberg as the “elder stateswoman of feminism” (according to the NY Times) felt like a breath of fresh air and a renewed commitment to the values of justice for all and a fight against oppression.  Seeing her face on t-shirts and tote bags, and even on the cup I use to drink my coffee, gave me a sense of pride in us as a society that we valued her values.

We all need to feel this sense of connection to people who look like us and sound like us that are celebrated as a valuable part of our society.  RBG represented this for me and so many women, and for that I am so grateful.  Role models open up a sense of possibility for who we also can become and blaze a trail for how to get there.  In my reflections about my connection to Justice Ginsberg it occurs to me that to find a good role model we need to feel the person is enough like us that we feel a common bond, but different enough from us that we want to learn and grow in their direction.  

As a parent, it’s a big responsibility to make sure that our kids have good role models, whether as teachers, coaches, religious leaders or political leaders.  But we also need to be  keenly aware of how our kids closely watch and imitate what we do, so much more so than what we say.  Our kids will like who we like, approach their problems in the manner we do, and view the world through the lens we provide for them.  As I get older and watch the passing of many wonderful people, I am grateful for their legacy in understanding the importance of not just having a good role model, but in being one.

Thank you for opening so many doors for us, our dear RBG. Your memory will certainly be for a blessing.

I was listening to an interview with a rookie football player (it’s back!!) talking about his experience in training camp trying to fit in with the veterans.  Because they were all wearing covid masks, he found it hard to know when he was being teased or seriously spoken to as the subtle facial cues of his teammates were covered up. This got me thinking about my own struggles in communicating while wearing a mask and feeling grateful that my potential miscommunications with a grocery checker would not result in boldly harm by a very large man trained to hit people.

I tend to be a soft spoken introverted person anyhow, and the mask just seems to add a barrier to friendly chatter I would normally make the effort to do.  I often have to repeat myself, and my corny joke or superficial banter definitely does not feel worth the person’s extra efforts to hear it be repeated.  Voices are muffled, smiles are hidden, and cues we usually can use to see if people are in the mood to talk or if they are receptive to what we are saying are blocked.  Already isolated from socializing, masks, despite their overwhelming public good, can create even more of a feeling of alienation.

Zachary Witkower at the University of British Columbia, an expert on social interactions, states that, “the face is one of the first things we use to assess those around us…and guide our social interactions.  Because masks obscure so much of the face, the ways in which we typically process social information is greatly disrupted.”  David Matsumoto, a psychology professor at San Francisco State University says we lose our social smile when we wear masks, as it only engages the corners of the mouth, compared to a “Duchenne “ smile that reaches the eyes and lights up the face (also known as smizing, smiling with your eyes).  He also notes that masks can hide other facial expressions that can communicate emotions like disdain or discomfort which is critical for effective human interactions.  Masks also damper the sounds and vocal inflections in our speech that can convey important aspects of intent or attitude, especially for those with hearing issues.

Experts suggest ways to compensate so that we can be understood and convey what we need to express.  Exaggerating is an important tool, such as using more pointed eye contact and turning your head to directly face someone.  Eyebrows also can express a great deal as well.  They can furrow, change angles, height and shape, all communicating a range of emotions from fear, disgust, anger and surprise.  You can also use gestures like waving, nodding and being conscious your body is an open position rather than having arms crossed and fists clenched (unless you want to intimidate someone for that last roll of toilet paper.)  

Millions of women around the world wear face veils in the form of burkas or niqabs. A woman from Saudi Arabia, Al Zayer, describes being more attentive to eye contact, tone of voice, and listening more carefully.  She says while it isn’t hard, it definitely requires more effort. On a positive note, there is more of a tendency to laugh out loud and say what you are thinking rather than just listening and nodding.

While masks literally put another layer of boundaries between us, by wearing them, we also have a common experience and shared purpose. And for those of us who love to accessorize, we can think of it as another opportunity for fashion!  Or a way to express your opinions and preferences on a personal facial billboard.  We are definitely in this together and wearing a mask is one of the few things we can all do to decrease virus transmission.  While we all hate wearing them, we can at least interpret it as an act of love for one another. So each time I have to put on my mask, I’m also going to do my best to put on a smize and think of my facemask as the modern equivalent of a victory garden!

“I’m so bored!”  That seems to be a common echo in this time of lockdown and the sameness of every day, when there is nowhere to go and seemingly nothing to do.  But while boredom seems to be about nothingness, in psychological worlds, boredom is becoming an increasingly interesting topic with there being more to boredom than one would assume.  The fact is, that underneath its banal surface, when you are bored, there is actually a lot going on!  Understanding your ennui may be a tool to better coping.

The very idea of boredom is a modern concept, ironically arising as the amount of stimulation has increased exponentially.  As Luke Fernandez and Susan Matt examine boredom, the word did not appear in the lexicon until the mid 19th century.  “Before that, tedium was an expected part of life.”  It is only with the rise of consumer culture, they surmise, that people were promised constant excitement.  So when you don’t feel stimulated, you feel something is wrong or that you’re missing out.  It leaves you in a restless state of desire to do something or experience something more.

Really, though, the problem is not with the boredom, but what we do with it.  Often people seek immediate relief through quick fixes, such as drinking or calling an ex rather than be left with their own thoughts.  When we’re bored, we’re more likely to become internally focused in a negative, ruminative cycle.  People will go to pretty extreme lengths to avoid these feelings.  Consider this.  In one experiment, researchers asked a group of people to spend just 15 minutes in a room and instructed them to entertain themselves with their own thoughts.  They were also given an opportunity to self-administer a negative stimulus in the form of a small electric shock.  Amazingly, 67% of men and 25% of women found being alone with their own thoughts so unpleasant that they chose physical discomfort over emotional discomfort!  

Often in therapy, when someone is bored, we might look for how they are pulling back from some unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or memories.  When we therapists find ourselves bored in a session with a client, we use this inner feeling as a tool to tell us that someone is distancing from their own inner experience.  In this way, boredom can be a useful experience to tell us where our healing needs to be directed.  

Now apply this to the pandemic.  Cooped up in our homes, we’ve been stripped of our everyday structures and routines.  Many of the activities we engaged in that brought us meaning are taken away.  We’re left with more time to think and more awareness of our own inner experience.  Couple this with the worry, sadness, and anger that we may feel given the circumstances of so much death, loss, economic hardship and political conflict and no wonder we do not want to be left alone with our thoughts!  We feel bored and cranky, looking for some kind of relief.

Rather than fighting boredom with a rapid need to run away and preoccupy ourselves with anything (like eating or watching the latest 100 tik tok videos), try to use the sense of boredom as a messenger.  We may be needing some support or help in finding peace within ourselves.  Researchers suggest that when we feel bored, it’s helpful to  try to find a more meaningful way to engage with the world.  For example, while not being able to do anything may be unpleasant, reminding yourself that we are all doing this to save lives and be healthy will help you tolerate your feelings.  Meaning seems to be the healthy antidote to boredom.  Look to activities that give you a sense of purpose, such as calling someone you care about, sorting through old pictures, or even directing your thoughts to creative thinking or happy memories.  Create a path to re-engage with the world that feels positive.  

Mindfulness is a great tool to learn to calm your inner mind and find a way to be at peace with your thoughts and feelings. There are great Apps such as Insight Timer and Calm that you can get for free that can help guide you through the process of using mindfulness tools to tolerate inner thoughts and therefore avoid running from them.  Rather than an unpleasant feeling, boredom can become an invitation to engage more deeply with yourself and the world.  With so much to stress about and more time to do it in, we have to watch for the ways we might be harming ourselves through distraction without even realizing it. It may not be an electric shock, but shopping online for another not really needed kitchen gadget may just be my own cry for help!

Quite often I hear people, including myself, refer to doing something relaxing or just for fun as “being bad.”  New research out of the University of Zurich may be just the thing we need to hear.  It turns out that it’s actually really good for us to be hedonistic at times, and that the better you are at it, the more it helps!

We all tend to think that self control is the key to well being, as it allows us to sacrifice short term pleasure to reach long term goals, such as getting in shape, saving up money to travel, etc, all things that lead to feeling happy.  And those of us who are good at this often feel guilty when we hang out on the couch to watch a movie or just sit out in the yard to read a book.  We ruin our fun by telling ourselves that we “should be productive” and we judge ourselves for being slackers.  It turns out, though, that the ability to let ourselves enjoy the down time is just as important to happiness as reaching long term goals.  In fact, this new research shows that enjoying short term pleasurable activities that don’t lead to long term goals contributes at least as much to a happy life as self control.  The trick is being able to let ourselves really enjoy it!

Researchers Bernecker and Becker found that certain people get distracted by intrusive thoughts in moments of relaxation or enjoyment by thinking of things they should be doing (sound familiar inner task master in my head?).  “Those thoughts about conflicting long term goals undermine the immediate need to relax.”  But those people who can fully enjoy themselves in relaxing situations tend to have a higher sense of well being in general, not only in the short term, but are less likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.  “The pursuit of hedonic and long term goals needn’t be in conflict with one another,” Bernecker writes.  “Our research shows that both are important and can complement each other in achieving well being and good health.  It is important to find the right balance in everyday life.”

With so many of us working at home right now it can be even more difficult to allow ourselves to relax.  With the boundary between work and home much more blurred, it’s harder to keep work and down time separate.  For me, this research is a big motivator and a “Get Out of Jail” card.  Not only does it give me permission to relax when I can, but prescribes that I not allow myself to feel guilty about it!  The article’s authors suggest much more needs to be known about the role of pleasure in well being. So, when you finish reading this, my suggestion is to do your own research on hedonism.   Go out and have some fun, and don’t let yourself get distracted by your inner critic.  Remember, to really have a healthy happy life, you need to be good at “being bad.”

The eulogies in Representative John Lewis’s funeral honored his great legacy of standing up for justice and getting into “good trouble.”  Mom’s are donning helmets and dad’s their leaf blowers to become protesters.  And professional athletes are locking arms and kneeing in solidarity.  As we witness the movement, how can we not be inspired by the large numbers of people taking risks to make their voices heard to speak out for what they believe in?  We know it’s not easy and for some people in some situations it can be downright dangerous.  But asserting our boundaries and speaking up for our self is one of the most important things we need to do, and yet, it remains one of the most universal challenges that people face.

Often our beliefs and behaviors around how we communicate emerge from how we are taught and treated in childhood.  Gender bias and cultural expectations also play a big role in what we feel we are permitted to say and how we are supported or shut down when we speak up.  Much of the work I love to do with people is helping them find their voice.  It can take time for people to feel safe enough to find the words of what they want to say, even within themselves.  Often therapy involves giving one’s self permission to express the truth of our experience and become aware of the harmful restrictions we’ve endured to our personal  values, needs, and wishes.  And the next step involves summoning the courage to face the disapproval, if not full rejection, that inevitably comes with expressing what has been forbidden.

Speaking up can often “upset the system.”  Whether it’s a strong family dynamic, a workplace culture, or a societal norm, there will be a cost to going against the status quo and advocating for change.  And one important thing I’ve learned in supporting people and in taking the risk myself, is to do your best to be the highest version of yourself when you do.  Often when we’re in difficult interpersonal situations, we’re highly stressed, which leads us to become defensive or bitter.  We flood with emotions and our clarity and moral center get out of balance.  Staying in touch with  our authentic truth and with the love behind our desire for transformation helps us to keep our strength. 

It’s also important to prepare by knowing your audience.  Before speaking up, create a plan.  Ask yourself what’s the outcome that’s desired and what is the range of responses you can expect.  Rehearse your plan if possible with someone you trust.  You have options for how and what gets communicated. Be aware of the power dynamics and assess the risks you are willing to take.  How does this person or system treat people who speak their mind?  What consequences are at stake?  Are their others who can join in with you?

While there will be consequences for speaking up, ranging from not being liked by someone to being attacked by a force that could overwhelm you, there is also a cost for not speaking up.  If we live in fear and repress our resistance, there can be psychological and physical health effects.  Living a disempowered life can be extremely stressful and studies show it can lead to heart disease and autoimmune disorders, as well as depression and anxiety.  Acting in ways to advocate for a higher purpose gives our lives meaning and satisfaction.  And it is the only way to facilitate change.

One of the most essential features in finding your voice is to have someone who cares enough to listen, even if they don’t necessarily agree.  Representative Lewis talked about the importance of Dr. King as his mentor.  The mom’s link arms with one another to form their wall and the professional athletes have each other’s backs (at least now).   If you don’t have a close ally, I can’t stress enough how important it is to find one.  Often the first step is finding just one person you can share your truth with.  Sometimes it may be a therapist, like me, or another member in a support group.  Over time your courage will grow as well as your desire.  Because once you feel the power in speaking your truth, it becomes an important factor in all your relationships, most importantly your relationship with yourself.  No change ever was able to happen without people envisioning it first, asking for it to happen, and then taking the bold steps to ensure it.  It’s so easy to take for granted that for every freedom we enjoy, at some point in our history,  someone took a risk to assert it, even at the greatest of cost.

“Freedom is not a state; it is an act. It is not some enchanted garden perched high on a distant plateau where we can finally sit down and rest. Freedom is the continuous action we all must take, and each generation must do its part to create an even more fair, more just society.” Lewis, in Across That Bridge: A Vision for Change and the Future of America