The celebrations that bring family together so often this time of year can be a mixed blessing.  These gatherings can trigger us into old patterns, placing us within our old family role.  Parents and siblings see us and treat us as they have in the past, and without even realizing it, we begin to act that way.  No matter how old we are, and despite how hard we have worked to be different and feel like a grown up, it seems so easy to slip into being who we were.

As the saying goes, we don’t choose our family and so even though we may love them, spending time together can be tricky in a number of potential ways.  It tends to bring up old family hurts that may never have been resolved or even talked about.  These old hurts simmer under the surface and are easily reignited.  Engaging in family traditions can be so lovely and help preserve memories of the past, but not all of these memories are pleasant. Some people feel an alienating sense of not belonging, even within their own family.  And if you are spending a lot of time with your partner’s family, it’s easy to feel on the outside or be pulled into unexpected dynamics based on your partner’s role in the family.   For those of you who have experienced a loss of a family member, your grief may be even more pronounced, and you may find the reminders of how the family used to be very difficult.

Before you find yourself saying, “It was like I was 13 years old again,” here are some ideas for helping you sustain the changes you’ve made in life and withstand the regressive pull.

• Be really clear within yourself who you are now compared to who you were. Ask yourself what changes you have made that are important to you.  Some may be obvious, like, I eat healthy now, or I am financially independent.  Some may be more subtle, like I can express my feelings more directly now.  By highlighting what is important to you, you’re more likely to pay attention to preserving it.
• Location, location, location. Be active in picking where you sit and who you talk to.  Pick a seat near people you enjoy talking to and circulate if you are heading to a conversation that feels like an old trap.  Go for a walk and take a break if necessary, using the time to get back in touch with the adult you.  Think ahead of time of past triggers, like your brother reminding you of your ex-husband or your mother asking when you are going to have kids, and be prepared.  Practice some responses that can deflect the question and protect you.  If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, be a team.  Have a signal that indicates you could use their support and could they please join in.
• Be a scientist. Take an observer role, noting what is going on around you without getting pulled into it.  By looking in as an outsider, you can remain detached.  Also, look for how others may actually have changed!  They may appreciate you noticing their efforts and accomplishments.  Ask questions; engage as an adult to another adult.
• Change things up. Add some new family traditions that don’t involve memories of you when you were that awkward 11 year old.  Choose something you enjoy where you can be in charge and that highlights your strengths and interests.  Lead a hike, host a meal at your home, or play music you enjoy.

Remember that you are an adult in charge of your own family now, even if that family is just you.  Take care of your family, and try to focus on the love you feel and want to give.

We think of laughter, party conversation, Christmas carols, and “ho ho ho” as the lovely sounds of the holiday season.  But in today’s blog post I want to appreciate and encourage you to make some room for silence.  Taking some quiet time can have both calming effects and create space for meaningful experiences that tend to get lost in the noise.

I am as guilty as anyone of turning on the radio or picking up my phone whenever I have a free minute.  It’s almost instinctual now, with so many accessible ways to entertain ourselves and fill our heads with new information.   Because we’re so conditioned to it, however, it’s easy to overlook how this “noise” fills the space about us and, without us even knowing it, creates barriers both between ourselves and other people and between ourselves and our own experience.

In order to get silence, we have to create it.  It can feel strange at first, and even uncomfortable.  Ironically, one of the hardest things to learn as you study to become a therapist is how to tolerate silence and how to “do” or “say” nothing.  Quickly you learn, however, that silence can be a powerful intervention.  When we are quiet, deeper thoughts and feelings come up.  We can allow our minds to follow a progression of images and memories, associations and intuitions.  Without having to put these experiences into words, we can just be in them.  Silence can enhance our connections and creative thinking as we set our minds free of expectations.

Silence also enhances listening.  When we have quiet, we suddenly notice how loud everything is:  the sound of the wind, the ticking of the clock, footsteps in the hallway.  We become more tuned in to the world and the experience of others.  We become better listeners.  Rather than thinking about what we are going to say next, we give our full attention to hear.

Silence also has the magic power of giving us time.  When you’re silent, life seems to slow down.  (Have you ever noticed how a “moment of silence” can feel like a long time?)  Use this power for the sake of good.  Let the worried thoughts that may pop up in silence wash over you and realize they don’t have to take over.  If it helps, give yourself a pleasant experience by remembering someone you loved who is no longer with you, or appreciate something about yourself, your loved ones, or whatever is right around you.

So, along with all the hustle and bustle and loud merriment, try a change this season.  Give yourself some quiet time to connect to what you love.  Silence can be like an empty gift box to fill with whatever delight you desire.

When December rolls in, good habits tend to roll out.  Multiple parties, cookie exchanges, and the irresistible toffee your investment club member makes you each year (yes, you, Janet) present layer upon layer of tests to the changes you’re making in your life.  Each year, I hear similar stories of how easy it is to revert back to old habits in December with the best of intentions of starting over in the New Year.  But what I also notice each year is, although people start out with these good intentions, the feeling of failure hangs on and gets in the way of getting back to the successful change.

So here is a change to help you stay on track this December.  Think of December as a celebration month for your change.  Focus on self care and health with the entire month as the time frame.  Engage in self care and goal tracking each and every day, the way an explorer tackles the varied terrain of each day’s journey to make it across a large expanse.  Here are some practical tips to help guide you on your December path.

Plan ahead.  I can’t tell you how important this is for people resisting relapse.  Rate what you will encounter each day and evening as a low/medium/high risk situation.  Review what your triggers may be and create a plan for how you will handle them ahead of time.  Rehearse and have a prepared line for how you can gracefully decline offers of food, drink, or substances you are refraining from.  It really helps to let people know ahead of time, if possible, what your dietary or self care needs are.  Not only will this help you be accountable, but people are surprisingly accommodating if you share your needs.

Keep a Sense of Control.  Do what you can to keep your options open and to control what you can.  Driving yourself to events can be a big help so that you can leave if you feel the need.  Also, bring your own choices of food or beverages.  If you are worried about alcohol intake, bring your own sparkling cider or non-alcoholic option.  Or bring a healthier food option that you prepare the way you enjoy.  And by all means, bring your support system!  Having a friend or partner who knows what you are trying to do can make a huge difference.  Especially in stressful social situations (and boy can family events trigger our childhood responding) bring a person who can be your ally.

Be pro-active.   Take good care of your overall well being as a top priority.  Don’t starve yourself all day because you are going to a party that night.  Your low blood sugar will make you tired, stressed, and vulnerable.  Exercise any way you can, even if it is a quick walk around the block to reduce your tension at a family gathering or work party.  Make sure you keep using the tools that you have been using to support your change.  December is not the time to skip a support group meeting or pass on your daily meditation.  In fact, double down on those helpful habits!

Keep track.  Keeping a food journal, exercise log, or simply writing down how you feel each day is remarkably successful.  It helps to keep you in touch with your body and emotions so that you don’t  just wake up to how you are doing when it’s too late to change it.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.  Write down what a successful December would be for you and imagine how you would feel on January first if you were to meet this goal.  Make some tip sheets for yourself to keep on your refrigerator, in your wallet, and in your car.  Remind yourself every day of your plan and know that the confidence you will gain by successfully managing December is better than the fleeting pleasure of any end of the year indulgence.  Keeping to your goal is truly a gift that keeps on giving!

Networks may be crashing, employees may be distracted, and your fingers may get cramps.  Welcome to Cyber Monday.  If you’re like me, you love the thrill of on-line shopping, the great deals, the ease of finding what you want, and the joy of having it delivered straight to your doorstep.  And the more I shop on-line, the more savvy my computer becomes at knowing how to tempt me.  My fingers seem to have a mind of their own as they click their way down the rabbit hole of material desire.

Then the guilt begins.  I wake from my Nordstrom trance feeling ashamed for even imagining how great the Hunter rain boots would be this El Nino winter or for actually calculating how much I would be saving by spending more.  I feel sick at how easily I am drawn into wanting, whether it is new speakers for my husband or that piece of leftover pumpkin pie sitting in my refrigerator.  I don’t need it, so I shouldn’t want it, right?

But who wouldn’t want a beautiful accessory or a delicious goody?  Wanting is absolutely natural and research shows we couldn’t even control our wanting if we “wanted” to.  (A lot of corporate money is put into the science of how to make tastes, smells, textures and advertisements appeal to us unconsciously.)  As soon as we see something enjoyable, neurons fire electronic signals in the pleasure center of our brain.  These responses happen without our awareness of it.  I have written before about our “flight/fight” automatic responding to something we fear, well think of this as “want/have” automatic responding to something we desire.

Just like with fight/flight reactions, we can’t expect ourselves not to have want responses.  They are a part of our body’s control system for survival.  What we can do is address our reactions to these responses.  We can slow ourselves down, acknowledge them as natural, and drum up the support of our cerebral cortex, the part of our brain that engages in cause and effect reasoning.  We can decide if our want is in line with our needs, and if our long term goals are best served by our short term behavior.

So don’t shame your wanting.  Desire can be a great motivator, inspiring us to do great things and to dream big.  Treat your wanting as your muse.  It can expose you to all kinds of delightful potential that you may choose or choose not to partake in.  In fact, by recognizing it for the lovely experience it can be, wanting actually loses some of its grip over you.  The next time you want the cookie that will put your blood sugar out of whack, the diamond bracelet in the Tiffany ad embedded in your on-line Wall Street journal article, or your child begs for the toy you can’t afford, try saying, “Of course you want it, who wouldn’t?”  Then enjoy the thought of having it and go on about your day.

When I was younger I loved Thanksgiving because of the three “Fs”:  family, food, and football.  I still love these things, but over the years I have come to really appreciate Thanksgiving on a deeper level.  Personally, I have found that as I get older I am more aware of how much I have to be thankful for and how good it feels to think that way.  Professionally, the field of psychology echoes my experience with abundant recent research on gratitude demonstrating the power it holds to make us both happier and healthier.

Gratitude has been linked to less anxiety, depression, and higher life satisfaction.  In studying people who score highest on measures of happiness, researchers consistently find that happy people appreciate what they have.  Grateful people are less likely to experience feelings of resentment and envy, and even regret.  Grateful people also take better care of their health.  They exercise more and follow up on health care routines.  Gratefulness has also been linked to psychological well being, even in the face of trauma.  Having awareness for all the good things you have in life, even during hard times, helps foster resilience.

Gratefulness can be the silver lining of living through loss or tragedy.  Through suffering we realize how vulnerable we all are and awaken to actually how lucky we are most of the time.  We are presented with life’s complexity, simultaneously offering us both challenges and blessings.  Experiencing gratitude connects us to the people and world around us and strengthens our connections in the mutually of supportive community.  It takes our focus away from ourselves to a relationship with something outside our selves, whether it’s other people, nature, or a higher power.

You don’t have to be religious to cultivate gratitude.  In fact, the wonderful thing about gratitude is that it is a rather accessible tool in the well-being tool kit.  Studies show that people who kept a simple journal listing five things they were grateful for, done just once a week, had significant changes in their mood.  They reported feeling happier and more optimistic, and had fewer physical problems.  They even spent more time working out (wow!).  It makes sense that when taking the time to notice all the abundance in our lives, we can’t help but feel more valued by others and better about ourselves.  In turn, gratefulness causes us to be more empathic and pro-social in our interactions with others, which brings about more good feelings.

So, as we head into the time of year when we start making lists of presents to buy and thinking about things we want, it’s a good time to appreciate all that we already have.   Committing to an “attitude of gratitude” may be the best gift we could give ourselves that can last throughout the year.   It’s inexpensive, free of calories, and you can have as many helpings as you want without feeling ill!  (I wish I could say the same about family, food, and football).

Happy Thanks-giving.

Let’s face it, when you’re trying to be healthy it can sometimes feel like life is no fun.  You have to say “no” to a lot of things you normally enjoy and life can feel like one restriction after another.  “No thank you,” to the donut at work or the dessert after dinner.  “No” to a cigarette break when you finish your report or clean your house.  And even “no” to the offer of a second margarita at Happy Hour, even when the guy you like is buying it for you.  Making changes, even when we know the long term will reap benefits, can feel a bit dull in the moment.  That’s why when you feel the loss of pleasure in your life, it’s important to add new things that you enjoy.  Giving yourself rewards for making positive changes not only reinforces your new behavior, but helps to fill the emptiness that can happen when you feel life’s pleasured are being taken away.

According to Learning Theory, a branch of psychology that studies how we acquire and retain information and behaviors, a “reward” is anything that causes a reinforced behavior to increase.  This can take the form of giving something positive after a desired behavior (getting a pay check) or taking away something that is negative (skip doing the dishes when you’ve gone to the gym).  So be creative.  Give yourself a mix of rewards to keep life interesting.  For example, get your nails done when you haven’t smoked for a week or take the afternoon off from doing laundry and chores to see the movie you’ve been waiting for.  Plan out your rewards to celebrate the commitment you’ve made to sustain your new behavior.  Time frame rewards are very powerful.  Everyone in AA knows the intense meaning of getting your sobriety chip for one week, one month, one year, and so on.   Recognizing that we are on a roll of success helps maintain our success.

But choose your rewards wisely.  We can easily fall into traps that actually undermine our efforts.  How many of us have rewarded ourselves for losing weight with an ice cream sundae? Or because we’ve kept to our budget all month, we buy that gadget we had our eye on?  Select rewards that you can feel good about rather than ones that you will feel guilty about later that actually reinforce the undesired behavior.  Just by making something a reward we are giving it a positive status.  I still remember my friend and I suddenly realizing our mistake when we took our young kids for a Happy Meal at McDonalds when they worked hard on a project at school.  As our kids got excited on the drive over, it suddenly occurred to us we were teaching our kids that fast food was a treat!

Life can be hard and thankless at times.  It’s so important to pat ourselves on the back and acknowledge our accomplishments.  Part of becoming an adult is learning to do this for ourselves rather than waiting for the world to do it for us.  No fairy is going to swoop in and give you a Starbucks gift card just for resisting the urge to yet at your children or buy you a diamond pendant for facing your fear of the dentist.  Yes, there is the reward of pride and self esteem, but sometimes it’s nice to give ourselves a little bit more.  After all, you’ve earned it!

Some inexpensive rewards:  Go for a picnic lunch, listen to some wonderful music, plan a coffee date with someone you enjoy, do something creative just for the fun of it, play a game, take a bath, read for pleasure, look through old photographs, take a leisurely walk (not for exercise, but for looking at something beautiful), take a nap, make a new smoothie, sit in the sun and rest, anything you enjoy but never have time for!

The Halloween candy is just about gone, Starbucks is now using their red cups, and there are Black Friday sales ads in the paper.  It’s official.  The holiday season is here.  If this thought brings more anxiety than excitement or more dread than joy, you may want to consider a change in how you approach the season.  While, personally, there are a lot of traditions I enjoy, I also know how keeping up some traditions can be burdensome.  So in today’s blog post, I am officially giving you permission to review your holiday traditions and see if you can change things up to relieve the pit in your stomach when you think about decking your halls.

Traditions imply continuity.  They are a way of remembering the past and honoring people we love, like Great Aunt Sue’s stuffing or all gathering at Grandma’s house.  The anticipation of these events and the seasonal predictable nature of them make them both special and comfortable.  But not always for everyone.  So many women I know would love to have a break from hosting Christmas, but they tell me, “My kids would be so upset.”  And these are actually adult children!  Sure, they love mom taking care of it all, but what about Mom?  And what about the son who has abstained from alcohol or lowered his blood sugar, being told, “Oh, you can have just one glass,” or “Just a small piece of my pie, I made it for you!  You always have my pie.”

Holiday season is already full of stress: the traffic, noise, and travel.  Then there is the eating and pressure to spend money for the people you love.  And for women in particular, there are the hosting obligations with the planning, shopping, cooking, and endless cleaning.  It’s easy to get lost in the obligations and end up feeling resentful rather than blessed.  Traditions have a way of multiplying up over the years, adding layers that might benefit from some pruning.

If the holidays have become overwhelming to you, try choosing just a few activities that reap the biggest benefit for the values most important to you at that time of year.  What are the traditions you enjoy, and what are the traditions you would secretly love to do without?  Changing traditions is going to involve being assertive.  You are going against what is expected and to others it may feel like a rejection.  But see if you can be both honest and creative with the people you love.  After all, the point is celebration.  What is it about the tradition that people enjoy?  Are there ways to preserve the intention while lessening the burden?  Can we draw names from a hat instead of buying gifts for everyone?  Can we alter the menu to include some healthier dish choices?  Or can we try rotating the hosting duties or party locations?  Rather than letting your holiday season come and go like a runaway train, slow it down by focusing your energy on what is most meaningful and healthy.

And don’t be afraid to try something completely new if you need to.  After a painful loss, some people prefer to go away for the holiday, avoiding the weather and constant reminders of what no longer is.  You can always return to your old traditions when you’re ready.  Or you may be surprised; sometimes the best holidays involve an unusual twist.  I remember one of my favorite years involved cooking exclusively on a grill and sitting on plastic chairs by candlelight because the electricity at our new home wasn’t hooked up yet and we had just moved in.  Laughter filled the empty space and somehow, nobody starved!

Welcome to the Monday morning after “falling back.”  Yes, you get the extra hour of sleep, but for many people the early darkness coincides with a depressing feeling when you leave work or pick up the kids from sports practice in the dark.  As seasons shift, so does the amount of sunlight, and for people highly sensitive to this change it can predispose you to depression.  The good news is, even though you may not be able to winter in Ecuador, there are things you can do to help support yourself through this dark time of year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (appropriately known as SAD) is a subtype of Major Depression that comes and goes based on the seasons.  Symptoms of winter-onset SAD include irritability, low energy, problems getting along with people, hypersensitivity to rejection, “heavy” feeling in the arms and legs, oversleeping, and appetite changes, especially cravings for food high in carbohydrates (more pumpkin pie, anyone?).  (Interestingly, there is also a summer-onset SAD whose symptoms include depression, trouble sleeping, weight loss, poor appetite, and agitation.)  It’s normal to have some days that you feel down, but if you feel down for days at a time or can’t get motivated to do the things you usually enjoy, you may want to incorporate some strategies to help survive the winter blues.  For most people these symptoms are relatively mild, but for some they can be more severe.

The specific causes of SAD are unknown, but there are several factors that come into play.  The decrease in sunlight may disrupt your body’s internal clock (circadian rhythm).  Also, the level of the neurotransmitter serotonin (a brain chemical that affects mood) drops in response to reduced sunlight and melatonin levels (which plays a role in sleep patterns and mood) are disrupted.  There are also risk factors that may make you more likely to experience the winter blues.  SAD is diagnosed more in women, in young people, and those with a blood relative who has been diagnosed with any form of depression. Also, SAD is more common in people who live either far north or south of the equator.

Treatment for winter depression may include light therapy, medication, and psychotherapy.  Light therapy, often called phototherapy, involves sitting 30 to 60 minutes a day in front of a special light therapy box that mimics natural outdoor light (full spectrum UV light). (For best results, pair it with a pina colada).  Some people with SAD respond well to antidepressants, such as Welbutrin, if started before symptoms begin each year.  Psychotherapy can help with stress management and offer support and strategies for coping.

In addition to the treatment options, there are home remedies that can help, especially for people with milder cases.  Getting outside, especially within two hours of waking up, can be helpful.  Try drinking your coffee on the porch or even walking around the block when you get your newspaper.  Open blinds, trim tree branches that block sunlight, and sit near the window while at home.  Exercise helps relieve stress and increases serotonin levels.  When you’re feeling down it is easy to isolate, so make sure you make the effort to connect with people.

My friend with SAD has her favorite treatment, a  yearly trip to a warm, sunny place.  For some of us, however, this is not a reliable option, so I’ll share with you my favorite tip for beating the winter blues.  Make a warm beverage, sit by the fire, and cuddle with someone you love.  Did you know that new research shows that hugs also raise serotonin levels?

Some of the most challenging changes we make involve saying good-bye to relationships.  If you are going through a break up or a divorce, or leaving a job, or moving somewhere new, it involves saying good bye to a person or people or who have been significant to you.  Endings are hard and you’re usually filled with complex emotions at the time they happen.  But often the way we end a relationship colors the way we feel about that person for a very long time, as well as how the person thinks about us.  Putting energy into creating a thoughtful  ending can help you move forward and sustain positive feelings about yourself and your relationships well into the future.

Endings involve ambivalent feelings.  We once were dedicated to someone or something, and now we have to let go.  If we dwell on all the great things we will be losing, we would be stuck and never move on.  But sometimes we go to an extreme.  In order to make the separation, we get angry, seeing only the bad experiences in order to motivate us to let go.  Ever hear someone talk about their “Ex” with such disdain, it’s hard to imagine they were ever in love?  It’s easy to jump on the negativity bandwagon.  It frees you up from taking a deeper look at a complex dynamic and owning your part of what can feel like a failure.  Just as teenagers often need to judge their parents harshly in order to separate, we all have a tendency to become a bit superior as a defense against the pain of loss.

But be careful.  Leaving a job or a relationship in such a negative state can have consequences for you.  Research shows we tend to remember the things that happen most recently (aptly called the recency effect”).  So even if you have loved your job and the people you worked with for a long time, if things end badly, that is what you and your co-workers will remember.  Years of cooperation and mutual respect can be washed away with a bad taste of “they never appreciated me,” or “she always thought she was better than us” types of feelings that linger.

Especially when we feel a lack of control in a situation, it is tempting to end things with a bang.  But relationships don’t truly ever end.  Even if we never encounter the person again, the relationship lives on in our mind.  If we are careful and open to the process of ending, we can preserve good memories and people who are dear to us.  Rather than forming a reserve of bitterness we operate from, it helps to think of creating a treasure chest, where we store the valued aspects of our relationships, both good and challenging.  These relationships are part of our history and our identity.  They represent who we were and how we have grown.  Rather than burning bridges, by working through the painful emotions of endings, we can hold onto the love that was once created.

You are trying to make a change that feels easy and obvious, yet you just can’t do it.  You become frustrated and blame yourself for being weak or lazy.  “It doesn’t make any sense,” I frequently hear, “What is wrong with me?”  It’s easy to get caught up in diagnosing yourself with all kinds of problems, everything from just not being smart enough to having a multi-syllabic mental health disorder.

When feeling stuck in a pattern it’s often helpful to take a step back.  A broader perspective may reveal a hidden answer to your dilemma.  When working with people in therapy I usually assume that people have very good reasons for why they do what they do, but these reasons may not be obvious to the circumstances at hand.  Frequently these reasons stem from the past and represent a pattern of coping that was necessary and helpful at one time that our unconscious minds are reluctant to let go of.

We learn early on what is necessary for survival.  While most of us, fortunately, were never in real danger, children are perceptive to what is needed to fit into the environment in which they are being raised and to preserve their esteem or “emotional survival.”  They learn to adapt to their environment and develop ways of coping with stressors without ever realizing what they are doing.  For example, a young woman I worked with had been avoiding talking to her boss about an idea she had that she thought would help her company.  She hated speaking up in meetings, even though her co-workers were kind, and despite promising herself before each staff meeting that she was going to do it, she just “couldn’t.”  She was sure she had a social phobia and was doomed to forever be relegated to secondary roles.  In shifting her focus from how her behavior was problematic, to how it might have served her, at least at one time, her behavior began to make sense.  She was the sixth child of her busy family.  Her parents and siblings always had advice for her and being younger, whenever she gave an opinion, she was lectured by someone about how she didn’t really understand or how her opinion was wrong.  She learned early on that expressing her opinion was not “safe.”

“But that was so long ago,” people say.  That may be true, but our early experiences are foundations for our development and have years of reinforcement behind them.  The good news is that once you can acknowledge how your behavior served you, you can accept it as a pattern that was learned and had a positive role for you.  Once you do this, you can separate the child you were, who had few resources or choices, from the adult you are now.  The adult woman can take care of the little girl inside of her who was criticized so that she can handle the risk of presenting her idea to her boss.