I am borrowing Head Coach Steve Curr’s phrase “Strength In Numbers” to illustrate this week’s blog topic. It seems to be working pretty well for the Warriors, as MVP Steph Curry is out with a knee injury and they are still winning.  The phrase reflects the philosophy that to accomplish our goals we need to work as a team.  No matter what the change is you are working toward, no matter how solitary a process it may seem, we need other to people to help us along the way.  Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, quit smoking, leave a relationship, switch careers, or cope with an illness, creating a team to support you is a key factor in long term success.  An off night or drop in motivation is a much easier challenge to overcome when you  have a bench of people trained and ready to have your back.

When I ask people about their support systems for making a change, I often hear, “I don’t want to tell anyone because they’ve heard it all before.”  A sense of shame for past failures gets in the way.  While I totally understand the feeling, what you’re losing by not telling anyone is a key source of support that you will absolutely need.  Change is not a linear process.  We all change, and then change back.  Move forward, and then regress.  Create your own team in the way you will need it.  You don’t have to tell everyone, but choose a few people that will play key roles in your change process.

Another concern around support systems is when people, even with the best intentions, do things that make it more difficult than easier to change.  So, as best you can anticipate, and it may change over time, give people help in helping you.  What will actually feel supportive?  What actions can they take or questions can they ask you, and under what circumstances?  As you prepare for your change, talk to your selected team members, assign them their role and be specific about what they can do that will be most helpful.  They want to help you, so let them know what that looks like for you.  For example, a woman I was working with was trying to bring her sugar levels under control.  Every day, thinking he was being supportive, her co-worker grilled her about her diet and numbers.  Instead of being the support she needed, the co-worker was making her want to eat a dozen donuts, right in front of him!  It helped when she was able to thank him for his caring, as he really did care about her, but let him know that instead of a quiz each day, she would love for him to go for a walk with her during their lunch…and not talk about food!

We do not live in isolation.  It is a myth to think we can have “willpower” enough to withstand every temptation without a system in place to make our lives easier. We only have so much inner strength, which is why we can expand our strength in numbers.  Do some scouting, and draft your team members.  Train them, practice with them, and let them know how they matter.  Let them offer advice and resources; let them do some of your work!  When we put our egos aside we are able to let others help us, and we become a cohesive unit, more flexible, deeper in reserves, and happier in community.  And when it’s time to celebrate your success, you’ve already got your party started!

Last year for Mother’s Day I wrote a tribute to my Mother, Dossie.  She has taught me profound lessons as she faces the devastating losses from her neurological disease (Progressive Supranuclear Palsy).  This year, after 12 more months of the disease’s progression, I realize how much I have learned through my own challenges of managing her care.  It has exposed me to the awesome power of kindness, even in the smallest of gesture, in how it can both transform a situation and also relieve some of the pain.

These past few months, especially, I have had to undertake daily phone calls, e-mails, and meetings to coordinate my mother’s care.   I must admit feeling extremely vulnerable in my quest for help, advice, and reliance on people showing up as planned, including speech therapists and physical therapists, doctor’s, caregivers, care managers, medical supply companies, and the daily contact with many, many front office people for these various businesses.  Some of these encounters have been downright rude from impatience or indifference, causing me unnecessary frustration and despair. (I must admit, at times, it has not brought out the best in me.)  But at other times I have experienced sincere kindness and a genuine warm reception.  And what I am learning, as I had never truly understood before, is how this kindness really matters.  These encounters, both the good and the bad, are changing me, mostly to be a better person, in ways I hope I will retain. I am so grateful for all the kindness that has come my way in so many forms this year.

First, I would like to sincerely thank the people who spoke to me in a friendly manner.  A pleasant tone is soothing and reduces the fear and stress in asking for help.  Along with this, I would love to offer thanks to all the people who took just a few extra minutes to offer information.  Often it made a world of difference, giving me an insight, new perspective, or new resource.  Along these lines, I would love to acknowledge the people who showed up, whether it was reliably arriving for a shift, returning a phone call or e-mail, or following through on their duty.  Wow, it matters. And boy does it make my life easier.

And then there are the above and beyond acts of kindness that make you feel loved.  Thank you for the unexpected card from across the country that says you are thinking of me.  Thank you for attending a meeting with me, to be my extra pairs of ears and voices in order to ask for accountability.  Thank you for visiting my mother and planting bulbs outside her window, not knowing if she would live to see them bloom. Thank you for meeting me for coffee and offering a non-judgmental ear and a supportive piece of advice, even when it’s to tell me I need to change my approach or attitude.  And especially to my daughters, thank you all for your sacrifice in not having the full me available, and having the courage, without making me feel guilty, to tell me when you really need me to be there.  And most certainly, thank you all for asking.  I know how hard it is to hear about; how repetitive, depressing, and tedious, but you ask about it each time, anyhow.  For all of the many people who have been on my team this past year, you have taught me so much about love and so much about the power of kindness.

With all I have been given in this regard, I notice I am living differently.  Instead of a lowered gaze to catch up on e-mails while on line at the grocery store, I look up.  Somehow, without planning it, I now notice the person who looks lost or whose bag handle just broke and could use a hand picking up what has spilled.  Even if it’s just offering a thank you for a job well done, a smile to someone passing by, or directions to a traveler, I am more giving.   And for all the people who have been rude, unhelpful, and impatient, blaming others and even blaming me, I am going to try to be more kind.  I will never know what kind of day you have had, what kind of pain you are in, or what burden you are carrying.

As a mere human, I certainly can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound, I can’t look through walls to see if someone is in need, nor can I spin a web to catch a thief.  But I will always have the choice and the power to be kind.

*****A special note to THANK YOU, readers.  I have passed the year mark on writing this blog.  It has been an honor to know you are out there, willing to give me your time and attention, and benefit of the doubt each week.  My gift to you is a poem called KINDNESS by Naomi Shibab Nye, a true and gifted writer. Please do yourselves a favor and check it out.  http://www.elise.com/q/naomi.htm or just google the names

In last week’s blog post I wrote about the consequences of stuffing anger.  This week I want to address the times when you go even further to avoid your anger by not only stuffing its expression, but denying any experience of it as well.  Just because you’re not aware of it, does not mean you’re not angry.  In fact, the anger that you’re unaware of tends to do the most damage, both in relationships, but even more importantly to your own personal power.

When we’re little we tend to express our anger in gross motor movements (hitting, kicking, running away) and outbursts.  By age five we’re taught that such behaviors are unacceptable.  We’re either punished or we may have affection or attention withdrawn.  Young girls, especially, learn to “be nice.”  Over time, in order to be “civil” adults, we further curtail our negative emotions, sometimes by convincing ourselves that we’re not angry, even when we are.  Rarely can strong anger be completely suppressed, and so it leaks out.  These inadvertent expressions tend to be indirect, or what is often referred to as passive aggressiveness.  This can lead to frustrating mixed messages that take a toll on relationships, such as  when our words insist we aren’t upset but our behavior clearly shows we are.  Freud used the analogy of how smoke that is blocked from going up the chimney of a stove will leak out the door, through the grate, and end up choking everyone in the room.

If we’re not aware of it, than how can we know when we have hidden anger?  Here’s where the leaks can give us some clues.  Hidden anger often takes the form of these behaviors, including:  procrastination in completing imposed tasks, over-politeness or constant cheerfulness, frequent sighing, smiling while hurting, sleep problems, boredom or apathy, excessive tiredness, grinding your teeth, and extended periods of feeling down or chronic depression.  It’s easier to recognize and accept our anger when we let go of the feeling that anger needs to be justified.  There is no way to make yourself feel the way you “should” feel and no rules as to what is ok or not ok to be angry about.   At the same time, in order to own our anger, we must take responsibility for it.  No matter what someone else did to trigger it, the anger is yours.

Quite often for someone with depression, therapy starts with the expression of how tired they are, how many headaches and body aches they have, and how they believe that nothing they do or feel matters.  In time, they begin to share about their experience of being hurt by others or victimized in some way, but were too young, powerless, or scared to do anything about it.  As we explore their feelings around it, giving them permission and a safe place to see things from different perspectives, signs of anger often begin to emerge.  Frightening at first, they begin to find the anger hidden deep inside or turned against themselves in the form of self-defeating thoughts or behavior.  It can be wonderful to watch people become motivated and empowered, the depression slowly lifting in direct proportion to the anger released, like steam out of a kettle, freeing up space and energy.

Hidden anger is worth finding.  While it may be uncomfortable or cause a brief rift in a relationship, it is our reality.  No matter how hard we try to hide it, it will still be there.  The cost to hiding our anger is often at our own expense, losing our own power, energy, and passion in order to stay comfortable.  We betray ourselves and compromise our authenticity.  So be a brave inner explorer.  Hunt your anger and find your power, and you just may find some happiness along the way!

Although it’s a really common emotional experience, anger is hard to talk about and even more difficult to express well when you’re feeling it.   As a result, anger has gotten a bad reputation, as far as the hierarchy of preferred feelings is concerned.  There’s a tendency to judge anger as a more primitive state or that being angry implies a lack of maturity or self control.  In this week’s post I want to make a case for befriending your anger, as it can be a useful signal for when something’s wrong and can supply the energy needed for making a change.

The problem with anger is usually not the anger, but the way we express it.  Often people wait until their anger’s built up and then explode, confusing the message with the delivery.  By the time stuffed anger emerges we’re at the point of losing our rational thinking and acting impulsively.  The most common question I get when someone has problems around anger is how to not be angry.  They want tools to learn how to avoid being angry at all.   I try to reframe the issue as one of learning how to engage in self care, not self denial.  Most commonly, we become angry when we feel our rights have been violated in some way or that we’re being treated unfairly.  In this way, anger serves a really important role in alerting us to when we might need self protection or to be understood.  If we try to stop being angry, we ignore an important mechanism for self care.  So instead of trying to rid ourselves of anger, it’s helpful to focus on what it may be telling us, so we can advocate for ourselves and learn how to ask for what we need before we reach a state of being accusing or demanding.

Anger occurs in a range of intensity, from annoyance on the low end, to rage on the high end.  Try to notice your first hints of anger; is it irritation, sarcasm, or a physical sign of tension?  Then try to assess the root of when it began.  Be careful not to be judgmental, keep a scientific approach of observation.  Generally I’ve noticed three basic categories of triggers that often underlie our anger.  One is a sense of powerlessness or helplessness, such as being unable to have control over our situation, feeling a lack of support, or feeling victimized by other’s perceptions or misunderstanding.  It’s common to get angry when our boundaries are being disrespected or ignored.  A second trigger is shame or self-doubt in situations where you feel emotionally unsafe, perhaps feeling humiliated, inadequate, or a feeling that you’re not good enough.  And finally, rejection or abandonment can trigger anger, when we feel shut out or ignored by someone , and need to protect ourselves from the pain of the loss of love or understanding we desire.

Once you think you’ve found the source of your anger, take a deep breath.  Sometimes, just identifying what the trigger is can be soothing.  Or sometimes it can be energizing.  It may alert you to a situation that needed clarity and give you justification for your sense that something is wrong.  In either case, taking a little time to think, and breathe, is usually helpful.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming others or jumping to conclusions, especially about intention.  Did the other person mean to hurt you or make you angry, or is it just a difference or miscommunication that needs attending to?  Usually, because our experience is so personal, it’s easy to assume that someone is attacking us in a personal way.  Talking to a trusted friend or even journaling about our feeling can be really helpful.  We can vent, release our frustration, and often an answer to what we need becomes clear.

The final step to making friends with anger is to develop a plan.  I encourage people to use the energy of the anger to your benefit.  It can motivate you to start something new, take an action, or feel more powerful or in control.  The main thing, however, is to be in relationship with your anger, rather than at its mercy.  Like a good friend, listen to it, sympathize with it, give it some reasonable feedback along with loving support.   Trust it, respect it, and let it guide you to what you need.  After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Next week, a post about hidden anger.

I was e-mailing back and forth with my friend about a family situation I was really worried about.  She was so kind to offer her support and really understood my concerns (thanks Deborah). At the end of her last e-mail she added what to her was just a quick afterthought, but to me was a genuinely profound observation.  “PS,” she wrote, “Please hold space for the possibility that things could be different (better).”

In reading her suggestion, it quickly became clear to me how much I was living in my fears.  Every thought I had about the family situation was a potential negative.  I was so single mindedly trying to prepare myself and my loved one for the worst, that it never even occurred to me that there actually was the possibility of a positive outcome.  Or even a not-so-bad outcome.  As soon as I cleared out space for something better amid the layers of my fears, I immediately felt relief.

It’s so natural for us to worry, especially about people we love and situations we have little control over.  But how much extra suffering do we add when we rule out the possibilities for things to work out differently than we fear?  And how much do our expectations affect our outcomes?  If I am only thinking about the negative, besides being painful, I might miss out on opportunities to influence things to be better.  Or I might fail to notice the ways that things actually ARE better than expected.  By anticipating the possibilities of a broad array of outcomes, we can balance our fears with our hopes.  We can also motivate ourselves to change.  Without the possibility that things could be different, why would we put in any effort?  By visualizing and anticipating how life could be, we create a template and a pathway to our goals.

The same can be true of holding only positive possibilities.  In my line of work, we might refer to this as denial.  When working with people in a state of denial, they either don’t let themselves think about the potential for a bad consequence to their behavior (such as getting pulled over after having a few drinks) or prepare for a possible change in their good fortune (like the fact that their house value won’t go up forever).  It can be frustrating to be partners with people like this, as their Pollyanna attitude often creates a dynamic where the other person has to be the worrier or holder of the bad news.

Like so much in life, balance is key.  Notice your tendencies.  Are you more likely to be blinded by your fears or caught unprepared for what others seem to anticipate?  We may have different tendencies for different types of situations.  We might be overly burdened with our worry for our child’s academic performance, yet in denial about our own health risks.  To help you evaluate if your expectations are in balance, notice any patterns in the feedback you get from others.  When we hold one end of the continuum, it’s likely someone else is holding the other.  Do teachers tell you not to worry so much about your children’s grades, while your husband repeatedly reminds you about seeing the doctor?

As my friend suggests, it’s best to create some space for a variety of outcomes, not just the ones you fear or fantasize.   When you do, not only will your expectations be more balanced, but so will your attention.  It can feel a lot better and even motivate you to take action if you consider all the possible outcomes of your situation. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by some hope and potential happiness when you make the space to find it.

The other night I drove two hours to drop my husband and daughter at the airport.  They’re off to look at a college, as the time has come to decide where she’ll go.  On the way home, listening to the radio, a song came on that reminded me of my father.  Suddenly, I began to cry.  Not just a tear rolling down my cheek, but the full-on, need a box of tissues, making sounds that were not human, kind of cry.  It’s been an emotional time of life for me, with joys, losses, and a lot of changes.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d been holding in until I let it all out.  Luckily, by the time I pulled in to the garage to greet my other daughter, I felt renewed (although I’m sure I looked run over).  The experience reminded me that while crying is a natural and biological response to distress that really helps, it seems so hard to do.  Even in therapy, it’s surprising how often my clients hold back their tears, dabbing at their faces, apologizing, needing my permission and strong encouragement to weep.

In graduate school they teach therapists that you shouldn’t rush to hand your client a tissue when the tears come, The reason behind this is that it may send the message that it’s not okay to cry, or that you can’thandle the pain, (Luckily after watching people struggle with runny nises and wet hands, I’ve learned other ways to convey acceptance).

 This trained attention to the subtle messages in response to tears, however, speaks to a cultural discomfort that makes it difficult to cry, especially in front of others.  Somehow we’ve associated shedding tears as a sign of weakness or a lack of control.  Unfortunately, by creating such barriers, we miss out on a lot of the benefits of crying as a natural mechanism for healing and coping with change.

Studies reveal that crying helps us in a number of ways.  It can elevate our mood better and faster than anti-depressants (a University of Florida study).  Producing tears causes a release of hormones that can provide a feeling of relief, even if our circumstances still remain the same.  In analyzing the make-up of tears, research shows it actually helps our bodies release toxins and stress hormones, which reduces tension, in contrast to stuffing feelings which leads to elevated blood pressure, headaches, and chronic pain.  Crying also releases pent up anger as well as sadness.  It can boost communication, as when we cry, we show our distress and pain, letting people know what hurts.  Tears reveal our deep caring and express our vulnerability.  Professor Roger Baker, a communications researcher, says, “crying is the transformation of distress into something tangible.”   It tends to make people soften, allowing them to come closer, rather than pushing one another away.

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. – Proverb

Research does show there are certain conditions that help us get the most benefit from crying.  People who receive social support while crying (a shoulder to cry on) report more cathartic release than people who cry alone.  And, interestingly, people feel better when they cry about a situation that’s already been resolved.  Crying before you’ve made a decision about a situation can actually make you feel worse.  It seems the relief of crying is a release of tension best achieved when you can let your guard down.  And finally, and not surprising, studies show that to get the emotional benefits of crying, you need to be somewhere where you feel safe and where it’s appropriate.  Crying in front of certain people or in public can lead to embarrassment or shame, instead of relief.

I remember studying with amazement a culture on a remote island in the South Pacific.  After the death of a loved one it was expected that people would venture out on the street to wail and sob.  For weeks, as villagers pass by, they actually join in.  Imagine that! Crying wasn’t something to be embarrassed about or controlled, it was seen as vital to healing and something to be done in community.  Not surprising, the members of this culture had much fewer symptoms of unresolved grief over time and much lower rates of depression.

So as I think back to my ride home from the airport, viewing the road through my tears, I am grateful I had the chance to let go.  In the days since, it’s helped me be more aware of the many changes going on in my life and feel more at peace with them.  Although I can only imagine what I’ll be like in August, coming back from actually dropping her off at college.  I guess I’ll just have to reload the tissue box and maybe, if I’m lucky, gather with some villagers along my way.

While I’ve alluded to it in other blog posts, an aspect to successful change that’s often overlooked is assertiveness.  For many of us, not wanting to inconvenience people or hurt someone’s feelings can be a subtle but real roadblock to maintaining changes.  So in this week’s post I thought it would be good to focus attention on being more comfortable with asking for what you need.

Most people don’t want to be “that person.”  You know, the one in the group who makes a fuss about having a meal prepared in a certain way or having the seating chart altered to accommodate their issues.  We want to be gracious and grateful when someone invites us to dinner or includes us in a celebration.  But at the same time, it can pose a real dilemma when we’re trying to make a change that’s important to us, balancing our own needs and preferences while blending in with others.

When your friends are all having a cocktail or taking a cigarette break, it’s really hard to say no.  Besides fighting the desire to actually have one, often the bigger issue is the sense of disconnection it creates with people we care about.  Suddenly we are different, declaring ourselves as not like the others anymore, which can feel awkward.  Sometimes, it can even take on a feeling of competition or judgment.  Ever turn down dessert while out with friends, only to have people react with “Oh, she’s going to be good.”  It suddenly becomes a comparative situation that you did not intend.  Making a change can be threatening, even in these small ways, as separation can be interpreted as rejection.

It’s important to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own well-being.  How you handle each situation will depend on your history and sense of comfort with the other people.  Sometimes it can help to address the situation ahead of time, such as suggesting an activity that will be better suited for you or offering to bring a dish that fits your dietary needs.  In general it can help to reinforce to people how much you enjoy their company and focus on what you like about being with them, rather than on what you can’t do together.  Order coffee while they eat desert, invite someone to take a walk with you if you can’t take a cigarette break together anymore, or go out for tea instead of a meal if your budget is tight.  You are changing, and the relationship will need to change along with you.

Studies show that peers can be a big influence on making changes.  If someone in a family or friend group loses weight, quits drinking or smoking, or begins an exercise routine, it is far more likely that others will, too.  But it’s not your responsibility to make them change, or even your responsibility to make them comfortable with the changes you are making.  But showing them that despite your being different in some ways, you are still the same person they can count on in other ways, will be assuring.  Unfortunately, there will be people or situations where you will need to set limits, as compromise will not always be an option.  In those cases, learning to choose yourself over others is healthy and vital.  At first it may feel selfish or uncomfortable, but in time, you will feel more at ease.  The pride you will feel when you have successfully navigated the circumstance will make it easier the next time.

You are absolutely entitled to assert your needs in a respectful and caring way.  This is in no way the same as having a “sense of entitlement.”  It’s important that you don’t think of your needs as a burden.  Most people who care about you want you to take care of yourself in the long run.  They won’t mind a bit of inconvenience as a way to support you in your goals.  In fact, often when you ask for help, people are happy to give it.  And when you have a chance to reciprocate, it just may deepen your ability to be authentic with and supportive of one another.

Warning:  The Dial Technique may sound a little strange when I describe it.  I thought so too when I first heard about it, but after using it for myself (darn migraines) and with many of my clients, I can honestly tell you that it can help you manage cravings, moods, and even pain.  It’s easy to do and you can use it anywhere.  All you need is your imagination and a willing attitude.

Decide on the emotional or physical state you would like to dial up or down.  Perhaps you’d like to feel less anxious about an interview, for example.  Take a few moments and really focus on it. What does your anxiety feel like?  Where do you feel it?  Is there a knot in your stomach, are your muscles tense, does your head feel like its throbbing?  What thoughts are you having?  Are you thinking about how your mind will go blank or worrying you will say something ridiculous?  And what behaviors are you doing?  Is your leg shaking, are you breathing rapidly, is your heart racing?  Become aware of all of your senses connected to the state you want to change.  Now, imagine a dial with the numbers 1 through 10 written on it, like the volume knob on a radio.  Think of the dial being in control of the intensity of the state you are aware of.   Now turn the dial up.

Yes, the first step is to turn the dial up to increase the intensity of the anxiety.  As you turn it up a few numbers, see how much you can increase your experience.  See how far you can go to make your anxiety match the number on the dial.  Tighten the knot in your stomach, let your leg shake, and mind race.  Feel your heart pound and breathing become more rapid.  Now go another small turn of the dial up.  See how high you can go in your anxious experience.  Notice all that goes along with it.  Hold it at this number for a minute or two as best as you can tolerate.  Now, turn it down.  Turn the dial to a lower number and let your anxiety drop.  Feel the relief as you begin to let go and relax a little bit.  Is your stomach settling a bit?  Is your breathing slowing down and heart rate dropping?  Focus your attention on reducing the experience of anxiety in all the ways that you can.  Once you feel this, turn the dial down just a little more.  Focus your attention once again on reducing your experience of anxiety as fully as possible.  Now, play with your dial.  Turn it up, then turn it down.  Practice your ability to have your experience match the number on the dial.  Over time, if you keep practicing, you can become better and better at it.  In doing so, you have given yourself a control knob to manage your anxiety no matter where you are.

I first learned the Dial Technique a long time ago when I studied hypnosis.  It has recently come back into fashion with the focus on mindfulness in mind/body medicine.  The point of the technique is for you to become as aware of your sensations as possible, and to realize that you have the power to alter them.  It is a mini biofeedback session you can do with yourself.  You first turn it up as a way of really emphasizing what is going on related to your emotional or physical state and to see that you can affect it if you try.  Turning it up is a much easier place to start.  Once you realize that you can turn it up,  you then have the tool to turn it down as well.

This technique can be used for quite a broad range of experiences.  It has been used successfully with depression, anxiety and panic disorder, headaches, back pain, and even stress and anger management.  I use it in my quit smoking class to help people lower the intensity of their cravings. You can also use it to highlight feelings of joy or contentment, even excitement or love.  Whatever you personally decide to dial up or down, you’ll find it gets easier with practice.   The more you can use it when you are feeling relatively okay, the greater the range of intensity you will be able to master. And while it’s not a miracle cure that can take away all of your discomfort, it is a nice little technique to help you cope a little bit better.  So, the next time you don’t like what you’re feeling…try turning that dial!

Often we think of change in terms of the goals we’re trying to achieve and the changes we’re hoping to make.  But sometimes the most influential change comes from circumstances we do not choose.  Life brings unexpected changes that alter our lives in profound ways.  Getting laid off from a job, finding out you have cancer, or having someone close to you die are all normal parts of living, but they can sure make life feel abnormal.   Even events that are positive, such as a promotion, can come about as a surprise, and with it comes a period of adjustment.  Today’s blog will offer some ways to cope with sudden changes, with the hope it may help support you when you need it.

The most common reaction to a sudden change is to ask the question, “WHY?”  We wonder what brought about our fate, racking our brain for some kind of explanation that helps us to make sense of things.  But early in our coping, it may be better not to focus on the why.  While it’s a normal response to try to help us gain control over what feels beyond our control, it can paralyze us in a state of helplessness.  Often the answers to “why”come later, when we have both the perspective and time to make meaning out of what has happened.  In the short term, try to focus on the “whats.”  What can I do about it?  What CAN I control?  What support or help can I ask for?  What information do I need and what is my next step?

There is a normal process of grieving in every change, but especially in sudden, unexpected change.  Along with the loss of how things used to be, there is the loss of a sense of safety and predictability in the world.  It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.  You may experience sleep disturbances, problems concentrating, appetite changes, and an extreme preoccupation with your situation.  These are all normal responses as your mind and body process the change you’re going through.  Make sure you eat good food and take Vitamin B to help your body’s resilience against stress.  Get any amount of exercise you can, even if it’s just a brief walk.  Research shows that moving your body helps move stress through us and helps our brain process more holistically.  Educate yourself about your situation, but only from trusted sources.  Going on the internet to find a diagnosis may only make your fear and sense of vulnerability worse.  Schedule time for meeting with people you care about and who you feel safe with.  Focusing on what you do have in your life is a help to the pull of feeling all is lost.

In time, whatever change you have been subjected to will become the new normal.  Your life may never go back to the way it was, but it will become stable once again.  It’s then that we can find meaning in our growth from the change or evaluate what lessons we can learn from the circumstance.  But in the meantime, be good to yourself.  Don’t expect yourself to remember to pick up the milk or send the birthday card.  Life in transition can feel crazy and chaotic, even more so when you watch everyone about you going on with their lives while our own life feels blown apart.  I have a friend who wanted to wear a sign that said, “My mother just died,” so people would understand her distractedness.  To the extent you feel that you can, go ahead and let people know what you’re going through and what you need. Now is the time to let people help you and for you to be open to new experiences.  Sometimes it’s the small unexpected blessings that help us endure the times of big unexpected change.

Although it’s become a common joke to say we need to go to our “happy place” when we’re feeling irritated, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the need for sanctuary.  For me, sanctuary is not necessarily a happy place, but a place where we can be in relationship with ourselves in whatever mood we’re in.  By knowing more about what we feel, we can better tend to what we really need.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, sanctuary is “a place of safety or refuge.”  It can also have a religious or spiritual aspect, when we think of sanctuary as a holy place.  Where is your Sanctuary?  Is it your home, your room, a nook, or spot by a tree? Or is it a time of day, lying in bed in the morning or watching the sunset?  Each of us needs to have a time and a place where we can find safety, both physical and emotional in nature.  It is amazing how difficult this can be.  Sometimes our homes are places of chaos and conflict.  Where do we go?  And even if we have a quiet space in our lives, the boundaries of this sanctuary are difficult to maintain.

Sanctuary is where we cultivate our reflective self, an experience increasingly hard to do in our Information Age.  The 20^th century philosopher Martin Heidegger was concerned about the influence of technology on self awareness back in 1954.  (Don’t be too impressed, I got this from the author James McWilliams in his article Saving the Self in the World of the Selfie.)  Heidegger expressed his concern about the loss of “nearness,” which he defined as a mental island where we can stand and affirm the phenomena of our own experience.  He didn’t even know about smart phones or Facebook .  With social media, the boundaries of our lives have been permanently altered.  Even when we’re alone, we’re exposed to the social world of comparisons.  I think about a young woman who wasn’t asked to the prom.  She had to be happy for her friends all day at school, but even when she came home, she couldn’t escape it.  Her friends sent her pictures of their dresses and hair style ideas.  While I am definitely not anti-technology (I’m writing a blog for heaven’s sake) I do think we need to be aware of the loss of sanctuary when the boundaries between social and private are so permeable.

I also like to think of sanctuary not just as a noun, but as a verb.  It can be an active inner process allowing our experience to emerge without judgment.   Am I sad, am I feeling rejected, am I lonely or am I excited?  The more we can create sanctuary for our feelings, the better we become at tolerating a full range of emotions. This is a very important component of mental and physical health.  When we can face our discomfort, we learn that we can feel it and tend to it without having to drown it out with alcohol, a cigarette, or a trip to the refrigerator.  We can gain more control over our behavior by being more aware of its emotional roots.  In Alcoholics Anonymous they use the word HALT:  when you crave a drink, you ask yourself am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  How would we know unless we have “nearness?”

So how can you create sanctuary?   Is there a place in your home you can claim and make your own?  Is there a time of day you can make sacred?  You don’t have to empty your mind in deep meditation or do some fancy visualization.  Just be you, with only you.  My hope is, maybe over time, this “you experience” will become your happy place.