In a society that seems to value confidence (dare I say overconfidence), humility can get a bad reputation.  Yet consistently studies find that people who possess the psychological trait of humility are indeed better leaders, higher performers and, in general, are happier.  Humility is a cornerstone to being open to change.  Today’s blog will pay homage to humility, and dispel some misunderstandings about it as a weakness.

Despite the common misperception, humility is not the opposite of self-confidence.  In fact, people rated high in humility are actually also rated as being more secure.  It is, it seems, because they are self-confidant that humble people are able to be open to other people’s perspectives and attend to other people’s point of view.  In her study on humility, Pelin Keselir, PhD, writes that “humility involves a willingness to accept the self’s limits and its place in the grand scheme of things, accompanied by low levels of self-preoccupation.”  She refers to humility simply as a “quiet ego.”

Joseph Chancellor, PhD and Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, found five hallmarks of humility in their research:  being secure in one’s identity, being able to see oneself honestly without distortion, being open to new information, being “other focused” rather than self-focused, and having egalitarian beliefs.  In general, they found the quality of humility was not self-negation, but was the opposite of narcissism.

Despite the seemingly peaceful quality of humility, it is a powerhouse in terms of success and good outcomes.  Humble people form better relationships with others both in the work place and in personal relationships.  They are more tolerant of differences and are more willing to help others, being able to repair damage that occurs in relationships.  Physicians rated as high in the characteristic of humility not only had better communication with their patients, but they had better patient outcomes.  Humility is linked to better self-control, a huge predictor of life success, and lower levels of anxiety.  In terms of performance, those rated high in humility tended to have higher grades and academic performance and humility predicted higher job performance.  In terms of leadership, ironically, humble leaders are more effective.  In a study published in the Academy of Management Journal, Bradley Owens describes findings that leaders who admitted mistakes, gave others credit, and modeled teach-ability demonstrated behaviors that were powerful predictors of their organization’s growth.

I once heard a definition of humility that has stayed with me as a useful guide that I think sums up its benefit:  “Humility is knowing the truth about the self.”  In this way, humility is both knowing where we are strong and capable, but also knowing where we are in need of help or improvement.  Humility involves psychological flexibility and the strength in acknowledging vulnerability for the goal of self improvement.  What it guards against is false pride or bravado, empty efforts at covering over our weaknesses with the goal of protecting our ego and fooling others into thinking we are more than we are.  When we are humble, we have both the confidence to admit that we need to change and the awareness of the strengths we possess to help us achieve it.   So with this perspective on humility in mind, I hope the next time you have to eat some “humble pie,” it may taste a bit sweeter.

A few years back I attended a retreat that had a profound influence on me.  The leader posed a topic for us to reflect on that truly changed my life.  “Ask yourself,” he encouraged us, “for the wisdom to know when you’re ready to let go of your suffering.”

At first I was shocked.  “What did he mean, when I’m ready to let go of my suffering?  Now, of course.  I’m ready now.  Who chooses to suffer?”  But after I did as requested and sat with the question for a while, some profound insights came to mind about my happiness.  There are things in life that we suffer from that we have no control over, but there are also many things we suffer from that we indeed do have control over.  Our task is to do the work to know when we are ready to let go of the suffering we can.

Self inflicted pain tends to take the form of guilt, shame, and regret.  We can torture ourselves with these types of emotions that drain us of joy and eat away at our souls.  One example for me, personally, was survivor guilt.  Although my sister’s death had been nearly two decades earlier, I still carried a profound sense of guilt that she was gone and I was living on;  getting married, having children, buying a house, all things she never had the chance to do.  This guilt felt like a burden that weighed me down with a silent background of sadness and an empty feeling, especially when good things happened.  When I thought about it at the retreat, I recognized it, the survivor guilt, indeed was my own suffering.  It didn’t help me remember my sister, honor her life, or feel closer to her in any way.  In fact it only made it hard for me to think about her and our relationship.  Somehow, though, my survivor guilt made me feel connected to her, a continuation of a sibling comparison, perhaps, that was a natural between sisters.  It was at that point that I indeed had an “aha” experience of knowing when I would be ready to let go of that suffering.  It was when I could assure myself that I could remember my sister just as well without the feeling of guilt, instead allowing myself to have gratitude that I could live on and keep her memory alive.

The retreat reflection regarding “knowing when we are ready to let go of our suffering” is a powerful one.  I find it helpful because it implies a process that needs to be respected.  We suffer for real reasons.  Our pain is real pain, and has causes and effects.  But at the same time, it is liberating to recognize when we indeed, are the true source of our suffering and then are   in complete control of it.  We can ask ourselves, what purpose is my pain serving?  Who will I be if I let go if it?  What will it take for me to be ready?

I hope in sharing my experience, you, too, can have some new perspective on some old familiar pain.  What do you think you might be ready to let go of?

On July 4^th the Continental Congress officially adopted the Declaration of Independence.  It was a historic document largely written by Thomas Jefferson, justifying the fight for independence from Great Britain by listing grievances against King George III, and by asserting citizen’s natural and legal rights.   The day was celebrated with mock funerals for the British King.  A year later, still engaged in the fight for independence, George Washington ordered double rations of rum for his troops to mark the occasion.  Today’s modern celebrations of July 4^th are less political, but still invoke patriotism and the echoes of our nation’s bold move to create a new identity.

The famous line from the Declaration of Independence has become a well known statement on human rights.  It has been used as a cornerstone for many leaders to invoke justice and a better way of life, including so powerfully by Abraham Lincoln as a centerpiece to his policies:  We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

Ok, so what does this have to do with a blog about change, you might be thinking?  Inspiration.  This Fourth of July, as you celebrate all the benefits of the work of our ancestors, there might be something you need to declare independence from.  Is there something in your life that has a hold over you?  A person or habit that you feel constrained or controlled by?  Declare your independence.  Define your justifications, and confirm your rights that underlie the need and authority for change.  Today, with history as your guide, start anew:  a new way of relating to someone, a new habit, a break with an old way of being.

And then go ahead, write your own Declaration of Independence.  My daughter’s High School English teacher (thanks Ms. Joseph) had them do this as a writing exercise.  It can be very powerful (also humorous, as when students declared their independence from a sibling).   Pick something that constrains your life in some way and that you would like to be free of.  Write about how it impacts your life now, the ways in which it limits and affects you.  Then write about how your life would be different without it.  How would you change and how would the world around you change?   What will it take to be free from it?  What will you do instead?   Then, officially declare your freedom.

While forming our country required both actions and sacrifice beyond words to achieve independence, the Declaration was a foundation and a rallying cry for change.  Let your words become a foundation for you, this July 4^th, in beginning a new year of independence from something that creates a significant change for you.  Be brave, be committed, and I hope you can then celebrate your success for years to come.

Note:  Next week I will follow up on this idea of achieving freedom with a bit more serious post about letting go.

Have you ever noticed that once you have a habit going, it’s easier to keep it going?  This is a result of momentum.  Momentum is the “force that keeps an object moving after an impulse is applied to it” (the impulse-momentum theorem).  I will spare you the long explanation from a scientific perspective (partly because I don’t understand it), but instead, focus my attention on psychological momentum and how to get it working in your favor for the change you desire.

Psychological momentum involves the changes in a person’s sense of control, confidence, optimism, motivation, and energy over a period of time.  Initial success leads to a feeling that things are going your way.  As a result, you feel more confident and capable.  By increasing these positive beliefs, your enthusiasm goes up, making your interest and intensity grow.  Momentum can happen in one experience, such as in a sporting event or a day in the stock market, or over a longer period of time, such as our family spending habits or creating and sustaining a new habit of working out.

In reviewing literature on momentum both in sports and in personal or business success, two factors seem most important:  focus and consistency.  When we lose our psychological momentum, it often coincides with a loss of focus (Markman and Guenther, 2007).  Something occurs that distracts us, very often being our own thoughts.  It normally starts when we have a set back and a negative spiral develops.  The other factor is consistency.  The more we stick to our intended behavior, the more we have the discipline to continue despite set backs.  Through consistency, we learn to overcome and inoculate ourselves from the loss of focus that can come from a mistake or bad performance.

So, in putting these two factors together, it is clear that daily actions can really help to build both focus and consistency.  Jerry Seinfeld, yes, the comedian, attributes a lot of his success in writing jokes to momentum.  He has a method that he refers to as “Don’t Break the Chain.”  He gets a big calendar that has a whole year on one page and hangs it on a prominent wall.  The next step is to buy a big red marker and for each day that he does his daily task of writing, he puts a big red “X” over that day.  After a few days, he has a chain.  The chain keeps getting longer, and after a few weeks, he enjoys seeing the chain and then his “only task is not to break the chain.”

This strategy seems to work because it creates discipline and fights procrastination.  In addition, it helps avoid the trap of a set back.  If you have one bad day of writing or performing, you settle right back into your activity the next day.  It takes the focus off of each individual performance and puts the emphasis on the process.   The key is to pick an activity that is meaningful enough to make a difference when done repeatedly, but simple enough that you can do it every day.  Mastery follows consistency when you have dedication to small manageable tasks.

In order to help get you started (the initial impulse needed to get the momentum) there actually is a “Don’t Break the Chain” app that you can buy.  Another app to help track your daily action is the Momentum Habit Tracker app.  However you do it, whether with a wall calendar, piece of scrap paper, or the use of technology, the principle is the same.  Do something, do it every day, and keep track of it.  If you see a chain of success, you will feel successful, and you will be motivated to keep it going.  Small improvements accumulate, because daily action provides “compounding interest.”  Conversely, skipping one day makes it easier to skip the next.  Remember, the definition of momentum refers to it as a force.  Make the force be with you! (oooh, sorry!)

In order to learn and grow we require feedback.  Research consistently shows that people who are able to take feedback well, especially criticism, are more successful, both in business and in personal relationships.  I see this in my psychotherapy work all the time.  People unable to receive feedback have a rigidity that creates distance and frustration in their relationships.  But even for myself, witnessing how important it is, why is it so hard not to be hurt and defensive when someone gives me negative feedback?  This week’s post offers some insight as to why criticism is so hard for us and how we might shield ourselves from a bit of the sting.

Most of us experience criticism as a condemnation of our character.  We take feedback personally and therefore feel attacked not for what we did, but for who we are.  A big factor for people who are good at accepting feedback is viewing it as points of information for growth rather than a measure of your lack of worth.  Another big factor found in people who are good at accepting feedback is confidence.  If you believe in your basic abilities, you won’t fall apart when someone points out a flaw.  It’s much easier to believe you can fix a mistake than it is to overcome a feeling of incompetence.  Often what hurts most in negative feedback is not the direct content of the message, but the threat of exclusion, abandonment, or failure that is triggered by it.  The more we can stay centered and balanced in our assessment of ourselves, the more resilient to criticism we will be.

Our brains and the way our minds work naturally make us vulnerable to criticism.  About fifteen years ago was the first research revealing our “negativity bias;” our brain’s neural circuitry is actually more sensitive to negative stimuli than positive.  As a result, we are more aware of and put more weight in losses and potential threats.  Communication is scanned with an ear more sensitive to criticism than praise, or even neutral information.  We all know this experience, when you receive a review with five good points, but all you can do is think about the one negative.

Criticism is often toughest in our personal relationships because so much emotion is involved.  Points of discontent have less to do with tasks or performance and more to do with individual preferences and needs. Personal values, love, and intimate knowledge are all at stake.  We are most sensitive to the criticism of those closest to us, simply because they are so close.  Their opinion of us matters the most, and their rejection of us has the most potential consequences and carries the most weight.

In order to help be more open to feedback from your loved ones, try to listen to the feelings underneath the words.  Most often a criticism is actually the expression of a hurt based on a need.  If you can listen past the criticism, you can frequently hear a heartfelt desire in what would otherwise feel like an attack.  For example, “you don’t care about us, you work all the time,” is actually an expression of the desire to spend more time with you.  Or “you never compliment how I look,” might really be “I want to feel that I am attractive to you.”

While it may seem that it would take superhuman strength to deflect the negativity and see the positive, it becomes easier when you prime yourself to do it.  Remind yourself that this person is someone you love, who loves you, too.  Give yourself time, as well.  Take a deep breath and try to focus on listening rather than reacting.  Some of the most hurtful things are said when we feel under attack.  When you feel overwhelmed, ask permission to listen only and respond at a later point when you have time to consider what is being said.

Learning to take feedback well is a challenging skill that takes a lot of effort and a lot of self discipline.  It’s also something that gets easier with time and effort.  The good news is that with small changes, people tend to see immediate results in terms of greater intimacy and less conflict.  One of the most interesting things I also notice is that when people learn to take feedback with more resilience, they also learn to give feedback to others in a more productive manner.  Either in giving or receiving criticism, you can best shield yourself with the armor of a good perspective and an open attitude.

Sometimes the patterns in our closest relationships are the hardest to change.  Because of the intimacy and how often we interact, the lines between us and our loved ones are hard to see.  As a result, it can be challenging to notice where our boundaries may have stretched in ways that we didn’t intend.  In this blog post, I invite you to tune into your habits of relating and consider where there might actually be benefit from either pulling back or stepping up.

It is natural over time in relationships for a division of labor to settle in.  You go to the grocery store, he cooks the meal.  You pay the bills, and she takes out the trash.  The physical responsibilities are easiest to see.  There is also a division of emotional labor, although it can be quite subtle.  You soothe him when he’s angry at the kids, he tells your mother to mind her own business.  Each of you takes on the duties best suited to your temperament and comfort.  In many ways this can be a great advantage to being in close relationships.  The disadvantages, however, may be hiding.  Having someone to compensate for your weaknesses or your discomforts may actually get in the way of your growth and well-being, and over time, may actually cause problems. Resentments, blaming behavior, and overreactions are typical byproducts when there is an imbalance around emotional responsibilities.

Take, for example, the relationship of a young woman who is living with a man she loves.  Her partner had a rocky relationship with his ex-wife and tended to become aggressive when there was a disagreement around who had their kids for a night or weekend.  Being a gentle person, the young woman acted as a go between.  She was able to befriend the ex-wife and made the calls to arrange for the drop off and pick up.  At first this was great for everyone.  But over time, she began to feel resentment over the pressure she felt for being responsible for his children.  She often felt in the middle, and was increasingly blamed when the arrangements were misunderstood or inconvenient.  Their relationship was being damaged from the conflict, now involving her, and she was considering splitting up with him.  “How did this happen,” she asked herself, “when I just trying to help?”  The answer became clear with some perspective.  She realized that in her desire to be helpful, she was doing too much.  Yes, she was making it smooth, but she was also taking on all of their tensions.  Her partner no longer had to work on managing his own emotions and addressing the issues with his ex-wife.  Instead, he could sit back in his anger and put the responsibility for it on her.

Naturally in expressing our love we want to care for and help, even take away someone’s pain when it’s possible.  There is a constant evaluation if you are doing too much or doing too little.  This is especially true for parenting.  When is it helpful to lend a hand, and when is it getting in the way?  It can be so hard to watch a loved one struggle or even fail.  The question you need to ask, however, is when are you interfering with someone learning or taking responsibility for their behavior and when are you actually assisting them in their overall development?  And are you taking on an issue that is not yours to ease your own discomfort in feeling helpless?

These are not easy questions to answer, but they are really helpful tools to think about in your relationship patterns.  Personal boundaries are always changing, depending on our moods, stress levels, and the situation.  If you find yourself resentful, overly territorial around an issue, or feeling powerless, you might take a step back.  Where is your boundary?  Where does your responsibility begin and someone else’s end?  Your loved one may not like a change at first, but in time, it may be the best for your relationship.

With the start of summer and hot weather, people tend to drink more.  Whether after work, on vacation, or tending the BBQ, it’s easy to pop open a cold one or rev up the blender for just one more frozen margarita.  Certainly most people who drink are not alcoholics, but it is possible that your drinking may be harmful to your well being.  In this blog post, I will review the recommendations from the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion with the goal of increasing your awareness for yourself or someone you love.

At least 38 million adults drink too much and most are NOT alcoholics.  Drinking too much includes binge drinking, high weekly use, and alcohol use by a pregnant woman.  Alcohol consumption causes 88,000 deaths in the United States each year.  The good news is that with just a slight change in behavior people can reduce their risks of harm significantly.

One standard drink is equal to one 12 oz. beer, one 5 oz. glass of wine or a 1.5 oz. (shot) of distilled gin, rum, whiskey or vodka.

To stay within low risk drinking limits, you should not drink more than:

PER DAY:  Women should not drink more than 3 drinks on one occasion, for men, 4 drinks.

PER WEEK:  Women should not drink more than 7 drinks per week, for men, 14 drinks per week.

Excessive alcohol use has immediate risks, often the result of binge drinking.  These include motor vehicle crashes, falls, drowning, burns, and violence.  It can also lead to alcohol poisoning and risky sexual behavior or birth complications for pregnant women.  Excessive alcohol use over time can lead to chronic health diseases and other serious problems, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver problems, digestive problems, cancers (breast, mouth and throat, liver, colon), dementia and memory problems, as well as depression and anxiety.

Excessive alcohol use is also the cause of many social problems, such as missing work, reduced productivity at work and in your personal roles, and relationship conflict.  One of the most consistent problems that I see in my work with couples is the cost of drinking on trust and intimacy.  When people engage in excessive drinking, they tend to do and say things that are hurtful and even harmful to a relationship.  The behavior is often discounted as not being “real” because of the alcohol.  To the partner, the effects of the behavior are, however, quite “real.”  Over time, this pattern can erode a relationship.

So, from a psychological point of view, and a relational point of view, I must admit a higher standard for what I consider excessive drinking and at risk drinking.  If someone in your life – a partner, employer, co-worker, or family member – tells you they are concerned about your drinking, take it seriously.   Studies, in fact, support the notion that other people are better judges of the risks of our alcohol consumption.

There are so many ways to have fun in the summer.  Swimming, camping, boating, picnics, and concerts are just a few of the many things we associate with summer that we look forward to all year.  With just a bit more attention to your drinking behavior, you can make sure that the fun stays fun for everyone.

You reach the valley floor after climbing a mountain.  The level terrain is welcoming and offers a chance to reflect on the next peak ahead.  Be careful, however, as valleys are where the fog tends to collect.  Too much time in the valley and you might lose your motivation or clarity for moving forward.  Too little time, rushing ahead to attack the next climb, and you might not be well prepared.  Transition points are hard.  It’s a tricky balance to handle the ambiguous journey between an ending and a new beginning.

It’s common for these “in between” times to be quite challenging.  You end a relationship, graduate from college, or leave a job.  You know where you’ve been, but you don’t quite yet know where you’re going. Even if it’s a change for the better, leaving something that wasn’t right for you, it’s hard to be in the middle.  Doubts can start to creep in.  Did I make the right choice?  Old memories fill your head, because you’ve nothing to replace them with yet.  It’s hard to trust that someone or something better will come.  It’s a time of great anxiety and emptiness.  The discomfort can be overwhelming, making this is a time to be careful.  Very careful, in fact.  During transitions, people often lose their good judgment, in order to get rid of the pain.

It’s tempting to rush into something just to replace what you lost.  Not knowing what you want to do or if the right person will come along is scary.  It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking something is right, even when at some level you know it isn’t.  Filling a hole can feel good temporarily, but the long term effects can really set you back and be costly with consequences.  The other temptation is to give up on your goal. Waiting for something, like having to save up for a house, or taking the prerequisites before you can enter the program you want, or spending lonely nights in order to choose the right new friends, can wear you down.  It’s easy to get too comfortable, giving up on the goal, convincing yourself it’s for the best, or worse yet, convincing yourself it’s what you wanted all along.

So when descending to the valley, it helps to have a map.  While you can’t know for sure what the next step will be, you can plan to make the best of your time in between. Set some goals and activities to add structure to your life.  For example, while waiting for a new job, take a class, or after leaving a relationship, spend time with people you rarely get to see.  Take advantage of the shift in your life that may create openings for new things.  Rather than feeling like your life is empty while you wait for something, enjoy the now as much as you can.  But set some time limits, too, so you won’t lose the path to your ultimate goal.  For example, give yourself a year of travel after college, but set the date when you will begin to prepare for graduate school.  You can always renegotiate, but the time frame commitment will keep you assessing your progress and choices.

Change is hard, and often a good part of the reason for this is the “in between.”  Your mind can play tricks with you and it’s easy to get lost.  Without the clear direction of the mountain pass, the valley can lead you in circles.  So use your time to rest, regroup, and refocus.  And if the next mountain you were hoping for is not on the horizon, change course.  By pivoting just a little bit in any direction, an entirely new range might come into view.

At the end of each school year I am struck by how much each of mydaughters has changed.  Their graduations prompt me to recognize their growth, celebrate the learning they’ve mastered, and plan forthe challenges ahead.  Without these yearly transitions, in contrast, I tend to overlook my own changes.  While I appreciate the stability of living in the same house for many years, being in the same career, and luckily, in many of the same relationships, it can be deceptive to think that I’m the same person I used to be. Without big fanfare, slow but steady changes are surely taking place.  As adults every now and then it’s good to take inventory of our own personal graduations, assuring that how we’re living our lives has kept up with who we really are.

First and most obvious are the physical changes we experience.  How many clothes do I keep in my closet that I no longer wear?  Styles have changed, my body has changed, and yes, even what is appropriate for me to wear has changed.  While at first it can seem humbling, accepting these changes can actually be liberating.  I must confess, I love the make-over shows when people are confronted with their out of date make-up, hair, or fashion habits.  But embracing a new way of being is only fun if you feel ready to let go.  It can be scary if you’re a person who prefers to hold onto the comfort of how things used to be.  I know quite a few runners (including myself) with painful knee and foot problems that finally had to change to another sport.  While at first it was a blow to their (my) competitive ego, they actually enjoy feeling good again.

The same is true for relationships.  Some relationships change along with us, but not all do.  Like the styles we might have outgrown, relationships that worked in the past may not be what we need anymore.  You may no longer have much in common with someone, or your values and interests might have diverged.  It’s good to be honest with yourself about with whom and how you like to spend your time.  Just because you have always done the same activities with the same people, doesn’t mean there isn’t room for someone or something new.  Nor does it mean that you don’t appreciate these relationships and recognize their importance in your life.

Erik Erikson was the first psychologist to study natural developmental changes that occur in adulthood.  Since then, research has supported his idea that we continue to grow and change psychologically throughout our lifetime.  It’s often only at milestone birthdays that we seem to notice, but it didn’t just happen overnight.  Our ongoing experiences and our psychological development continue to shape our personality.  We may have become more extraverted than we used to be, more content with ourselves, or more restless with the desire for more risk.  These individual differences are what make us interesting and if attended to, can keep our lives stimulating and meaningful.

How have you changed?  I’ll bet if you sit down to think about it, despite the sense of your overall continuity, a lot about you has changed.  Make a list and consider how different you may be.  What does this mean about the goals you might set, what challenges you face, and what new desires you have?  Then, if you’re really brave, share these observations with people close to you.  It might be fun to celebrate a graduation of your own defining, recognizing all you have mastered and achieved.  Congratulations life class of 2016, you have lived, loved and learned another year!

It happens to me all the time.  I get home from a long day and I’m starving.  I put down my bag, take off my jacket, and stride into the kitchen thinking, “What do I want to eat?”  Immediately the crunchy texture of the garlic bread I just heard advertised on the radio emerges, followed by the creamy sensation of the salted caramel ice cream I know is hiding somewhere in my freezer.  As my senses enjoy considering my options, I cannot for the life of me remember what a healthy meal is or why anyone would want one.  And that is the danger of asking.   Considering choices in the short term can actually get in the way of sticking to what we actually know we really want in the long run.

Having a set plan in place is critical for any big change.  The fewer choices you have, the less room there is for temptation.  If you ask yourself “do I want a cigarette on my break” or “should I have a drink at the party,” you’re halfway to having them.  Of course you want one!  And now you must negotiate the ambivalence around the possibility you introduced by the question.  The more you can think ahead to eliminate your options to stray, the easier it will be to stay on track.  Have the menu for a healthy dinner set in motion before you walk in the door starving hungry.  Know what walking route you will be taking before you leave work, because when you have to decide, you’ll start thinking about how tired you are and how you might really prefer to take a shorter walk, or even walk around the mall rather than the trail, and then while at the mall, you might grab dinner instead.  The more decisions we have to make, the more wiggle room we create.

Obviously, planning every step of your life can quickly become tedious and restrictive.  So try to focus on making a set plan for the times when you are most vulnerable to temptation.  Think about your day and week ahead.  What are the points when you tend to stray from your desired habits?  Create a list of trigger points and make a plan especially for those times.  If it helps, make a list of three choices for each of those moments, so you have some flexibility, but all acceptable choices.  For example, instead of dessert after dinner, list three options:  a walk around the block, brewing a cup of tea, or playing solitaire on the computer.  It also really helps to have other people involved.  If your plan is to meet a friend for a bike ride or grill fish for dinner with your partner, the doubled investment in the plan will make it more likely to stick.

When it comes to long term change, spontaneity may not be the best strategy.  Why make it harder on yourself by creating tension each time you have to decide to “do” or “not do” a behavior?   A question by definition poses uncertainty.  So, when you hear yourself contemplating what you already know, recognize your question for the trap it could be.  While questions are an important tool for learning, they may not be the best tool for consistent doing!