I was attending religious services to observe the Jewish New Year and was struck by some commentary at the bottom of a page containing a prayer for peace.  It pointed out that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, is derived from a root word, slm, which actually means “whole” or “complete.”  The commentary went on to explain that this translation inferred a much more active meaning to the concept of peace.  Rather than being the absence of hostility or conflict, peace as wholeness involves an active process of coming together.

I loved this idea.  In order to create peace, the active sense of the word, it requires work.  Wholeness or completeness is only obtained by recognizing all voices and finding a resolution that incorporates both of the people or nations involved.  Peace as wholeness is not achieved by silencing a group or an opinion, rather true peace is created by incorporating needs and ideas. In this way, peace is inextricably linked to respect, fairness, and justice.  

I believe this is not only true for finding peace between peoples, but within ourselves.  Inner peace is a dynamic process, rarely achieved by cutting off your feelings or ideas or pretending you are a certain way only.  When we can open our tolerance to the full experiencing of our needs and fears, desires and dreads, we become more complete.  We have less anxiety and more self compassion.  We do not need to numb ourselves or uncontrollably act out what we attempt to deny.  We live more fully and authentically when we make peace between our own inner conflicts.

Peace obtained without wholeness rarely lasts.  Whenever I work with couples, the work doesn’t truly make progress until both partners feel heard and respected.  When one member feels overpowered or submits, the conflict will re-emerge in another form.  The same is true for inner peace.  Stuffing our anger or avoiding our pain only tends to reroute it.

So this holiday, as I say blessings for my loved ones and the country and world for true peace, I‘m thinking a little differently about it.  Rather than blessing them with it, I have to take more responsibility for it, offering more wholeness within my relationships and creating more completeness within my community.  And as our Presidential election approaches and with the country so divided, I will not only need to pray for peace, but reach out to the “other side” to create it.

Last year I attended an intensive training in the art of Motivational Interviewing, a technique proven to be very successful in working with “difficult populations,” such as people with addictions and/or trouble with the law.  Now, a year later, there is one phrase that has proven so valuable, it alone was worth the price of admission.  It is the reminder that when viewing our options to change, we can always “choose to do nothing.”

Huh?  Yes, doing nothing about your situation is indeed a choice.  And for a lot of people, when we reinforce to them in a non-judgmental way that doing nothing and staying just the way they are is an acceptable option, it reduces the fight against making a change.  Suddenly, the motivation to change stops coming from the outside, and a person has the opportunity to evaluate their own ambivalence.  If you are lecturing me about why I have to change my diet, human nature will make me want to eat more, just to maintain my sense of control and power.

If, however, after exploring why I may want to eat healthier and feeling the decision to make a change to live my own values is totally up to  me, I might actually give it a try.  In fact, what I have found for myself and in working with people making difficult changes is that after exploring their own very real reasons for wanting to change (not a partner or a doctor’s), when offered the choice of not yet doing anything to change, the option seems ridiculous:  “Why would I choose to do nothing?”

By acknowledging that not changing anything is a choice we make, the source of power comes back to us. It opens the door to a variety of options and actively engages with what we want and what we feel capable of doing.  It also tends to break the black and white thinking that tends to get in the way of change:  that we have to give up everything in order to be successful.  Maybe we don’t feel ready to stop drinking, but we do feel ready to read up on the health effects of drinking or attend one AA  meeting, just to check it out.  When we recognize that our behavior is totally our choice, we don’t have to stay stuck in order to prove we are in control.

Simply put, when it comes to change, if I know that I can choose to do nothing, I am more likely to choose to do something!

It’s easy to get frustrated when you think you’re fighting your genetics.  When it comes to things like weight issues, difficulty with alcohol, or even problems with a bad temper, you can look at your biological family and feel doomed to the patterns you observe around you.  But while we do inherit genetic predispositions to certain conditions, it is actually surprising to learn how much of ourselves is not predetermined by our DNA.  What creates family similarities can be influenced just as much as our biology as by the habits we “inherit” (learn without realizing it).  The good news is, habits, compared to genetics, can be much more easily changed.

In biological psychology, there are calculations regarding how much of a characteristic or disease is influenced by genetics.  Based on studies of families, particularly twin studies (identical twins raised together versus raised apart), a percentage of influence can be determined.  This is called the Heritability Factor.  Some traits, like eye color, have a high percentage, 98% in fact, meaning there is not a lot that will change our deep brown eyes.  Or our freckle count (91%).  But for most other traits or conditions, in looking at the list, it is quite interesting to see how much environment can have an effect.  Alcoholism and Obesity both have heritability estimates of 50%.  This means that while we may inherit a predisposition to these conditions, there is just as much we can do to avoid them.  Even height has only a 60% heritability, meaning our nutrition and life circumstances can determine our height.  (Did you know that when children are under a lot of stress, hormones that are released inhibit their growth?)  Tobacco dependence is also at 60%.   Surprising to me is that longevity (how long we live) has a heritability of only 26%!  That means the way we live and the choices we make have a huge influence over how long we’ll be around.

In looking at the environmental influences of these conditions, however, don’t be fooled to think that we don’t “inherit” some of these, as well.  In psychological terms, we very frequently inherit patterns of behaviors and ways of expressing ourselves.  Unconsciously we learn to eat the way our parents eat, develop attitudes and patterns of how we drink alcohol as our families did, and even express our anger in ways that were modeled to us.  In this way, while not “genetic,” we inherit tendencies that have a strong influence over our lives:  how we behave, how we handle stress, how we resolve (or don’t resolve) conflict.

Often, in working with people, psychotherapists will complete a genogram.  This is basically a map of who in their history married, divorced, experienced trauma such as abuse or domestic violence and had addiction or trouble with the law, etc..  It is often shocking to see what we refer to as the “intergenerational” patterns that emerge that seem to carry on as if inherited from one generation to the next.  In doing such a map, it brings clarity and awareness of the patterns that set us up for our lives.  This knowledge is truly empowering.   It offers us  a process of change, recognizing that we can be in charge of ourselves in ways that will change our destiny, and perhaps that of our children.

A lot has been learned about nutrition and well being since we were children.  Times have certainly changed, as have ideas, opportunities, and attitudes.  What your parents did may have been the the best thing at the time, but may not be right for you now.  So for whatever challenge you are working with, look at what you may have inherited both biologically, but also in terms of habits and attitudes.  What works, and what would you like to change?  You may have your father’s eyes and your mother’s freckles, but you don’t have to have their high blood pressure or smoking habit.

Most people love vacations, especially when you can travel.  It’s fun and refreshing to explore a new place and learn about the ways of other peoples and cultures.  Travel helps to give you perspective about how things could be different and can inspire you to make some changes when you experience new images, activities, and ideas.  But travel is expensive, so most of us don’t get to do it very often.  But I had an experience this past week that inspired me and is the source for this week’s post.

My daughter and I had some extra time before her appointment.  She noticed a Vietnamese grocery store and asked it we could go in.  Just stepping through the door our senses were surrounded by new sights and smells, as if we had been transported to another land.  We walked through the aisles listening to people laughing and conversing in a language foreign to us. We got to pick up and smell vegetables we were unfamiliar with and learn about them from the friendly people. We saw canned goods and bottles of sauces in refrigerators that were fun to try to pronounce and even purchased a few items to experiment with to create a new dish for dinner.  By the time we left to go to the doctor, we felt like we’d been somewhere exotic!

This mini trip got me thinking about other ways I could be more adventurous, right in my home town.   When I travel, I read about the location I am going to and plan how to see the things that might be unique or interesting to me.  Do I ever do that around me in my daily life? Why couldn’t I?  Really, being a tourist is a frame of mind. When I travel, I’m looking for things that are unique and seeking them out.  I have an open mind and a desire to challenge myself in seeing things from a different perspective or learn about something I am not so familiar with.

So I have been thinking about ways to change things up as I go about my usual days.  I have been keeping my eye open for local events, shops, or restaurants that would only take a bit of time, but could transport me far away.  There is a lot more around me than I had thought, but I hadn’t noticed it because I was in my routine.  I’ve even become a little more creative with my schedule, making time to meander somewhere a little new or working in a day trip to our schedule.  This past weekend we even spent  the night in a beautiful campground somewhere close by.  It’s nice to let go of my usual dichotomy – either on vacation or not.  With my tourist’s frame of mind, instead of just once a year, I can have a mini vacation whenever I need it.

Lately I have been awed by the magical quality of time.  It can both go so quickly and so slowly, simultaneously.  We’ve been planning for my daughter to attend college ever since she was born.  So why did it feel like her leaving came on so suddenly?  And my mother was diagnosed with a neurological disease over seven years ago.  Her decline has painfully progressed over those long years, and yet it frequently sems to take us by surprise to realize a strategy we’ve developed to accommodate her needs has suddenly stopped working.  

No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on time.  Whether you are busy or bored, feel happy or sad, things are going well or your life is challenging, time passes.  And with it, time carries both the power to heal and the power to scare us as we count down our passing days.  Time is one of the existential absolutes that we cannot control, yet with awareness we certainly can choose how we use our time and whether the changes that come will bring contentment or despair. We alone have the power to be more present in our lives and more mindful of the decsions we make that accumulate minute by minute, day by day, week by week, year by year,  making up our lifetime.

A man I worked with put it all in perspective for me in a way I found incredibly motivating.  He said, no matter if I drink or not, time is going to move forward.  So when he feels like having a cocktail, he imagines himself six months from now.  Will he be happy he had the drink or unhappy?  Will he have six months of continued abstinence or will he still be an alcoholic?

Think of yourself six months from now.  Time will certainly have ticked on by.  If you stick to your dietary plan, or your abstinence from alcohol or drugs, or your anger or stress management techniques, where will you be compared to if you do not?  The choice is yours.  The time is guaranteed to pass, so why not use it toward achieving your goal?  Either way you will suddenly find yourself six months older.  Might as well take advantage of the magical powers of time. Time plus effort will equal success.

Sometimes the decision to make a change comes when we reflect on how our actions have affected other people that we care about.  This relational awareness can be a potent motivation to change and provides personal accountability to our efforts. But as anybody who has received an apology can tell you, saying your sorry can be a powerfully healing or an empty gesture depending on the way it is handled (example, Ryan Lochte’s twitter apology).  This week’s post will explore the elements to help you repair a relationship when it’s important to do so.

One element of an effective apology is timing.  Often people make the mistake of apologizing too early.  In doing so, the offended person may feel you are trying to move on without giving the situation full respect.  Aaron Lazarus, a former dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School who wrote a book about apologizing, finds  an inverted “U” shape to the best timing for apologies.  If it happens too soon or too late, it misses the important step of allowing people to express themselves and feel heard.

Which brings us to the second element of an effective apology – focusing on the other person.  Research shows that people are more likely to feel an apology is sincere and that the person is truly going to change their behavior when they believe the person understands the true hurt caused by their behavior.  This focus on the offended person’s emotional state builds back the trust that has been damaged by a break in empathy.  In the book titled, After the Affair, author Dr. Janis Spring finds that couples are most likely to save their marriage when the hurt partner truly believes that the partner who has been unfaithful understands the layers of pain they have caused.

But apologies can backfire if they are used too often.  Overdoing apologies can make each individual apology seem less sincere.  Especially when it is regarding a similar behavior, the apology begins to look like an excuse for not actually making a change to avoid repeating the offense.  Or, apologizing too easily can come with a social cost.  Research shows women can actually undermine their authority by apologizing too frequently. (Refer to Amy Schumer’s hilarious skit about women over apologizing).

And finally, there is the all too common in public sphere’s “non-apology,” which recently made its debut in the Oxford Dictionary.  It refers to “a statement that takes the form of an apology but doesn’t sufficiently acknowledge regret or responsibility.”  Often these statements have the quality of you having just consulted your lawyer.  Such as,  “I am sorry if you are offended by anything I have written in this post.  I’m happy to help you understand the importance of why I wrote what I did.”

It helps to think of the word “sorry” as the beginning and not the end of a conversation.  If done with caring, apologizing can be a powerful opening to a deeper conversation.  But keep in mind,  it’s your being sorry, not just saying you’re sorry that counts.  

Our biggest wish for our children is that no matter what they choose to do that they will “be happy.”  Many clients coming to therapy tell me that they need to figure out what to do in order to “be happy.”  Even the music on the radio tells us not to worry, but to “be happy.”  There is so much focus on happiness, but how many of us have really thought through what happiness is and what it takes to get there?  Fortunately, the field of Positive Psychology developed with just this goal in mind.

My old Professor, Dr. Seligman, studied depression.  Then, based on feedback from his own family members regarding his grumpiness (and he was) he decided to study happiness.  It became the first time that traditional psychology shifted from studying pathology and what went wrong with people’s psyche to what could go right.  What made some people happier and more resilient than the rest of us?  After decades of analyzing questionnaires, Seligman and his group concluded that happiness could be divided into three dimensions.

The first level of happiness is The Pleasant Life.  This refers to the times we enjoy and savor the pleasures of life, such as a good meal, a new car, or the companionship of someone or being in nature.  These are basic pleasures that feel good.  The only problem with this type of happiness is that it is fleeting. We feel good for a while, but it ebbs and flows depending on the experience in the moment;  eventually the new car isn’t so new.

Next, then, is the Good Life level of happiness, which is felt at a deeper level and is more lasting.  This happiness is derived when we use our “unique virtues” to creatively enhance our lives.  The  six virtues he classified (which he breaks down into 24 signature strengths) are understood more like values as opposed to talents.  He and his colleagues derived them from extensive studies of many cultures and are valued not as means to an end, but in their own right.  They are: Wisdom and Knowledge (curiosity, love of learning, judgment, ingenuity, emotional intelligence, perspective) Courage (valor, perseverance, integrity), Love & Humanity (kindness, loving), Justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership), Temperance (self-control, prudence, humility),  and Transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, spirituality, forgiveness, humor, zest).  Living in ways that are in line with and utilize your unique signature strengths creates lasting happiness, more akin to gratification than pleasure.  

The highest level, or the Meaningful Life, involves the development of your virtues and strengths in service of something bigger than yourself.  It involves connecting to community or culture in a way that brings about the deepest levels of satisfaction from your virtues.  So, for example, you may get great pleasure from looking at the stars.  If you are someone whose virtue is Wisdom and Knowledge, then studying the cosmos will bring you life satisfaction.  And if you can find a way to teach or contribute to the astronomical community, this may bring the highest level of gratification in a more transcendent way.

The thing about authentic happiness is that it isn’t easy.  It takes time and effort to cultivate, as opposed to eating a bowl of Hagen Daz (which is pretty pleasurable).  Anything meaningful is going to take work.  But the good news, research shows, is that authentic happiness can be learned.  We can cultivate it and teach ourselves to be happy.  So here’s a nice change of pace – focus your energy on your strengths instead of your weaknesses.  Use your signature strengths to compensate for your weaknesses, and in doing so you will be intrinsically more gratified and enjoy the process.  In other words, you will be happier!

**To identify your signature strengths, take the test!  Go to www.authentichappiness.com.  Then learn more about how to make yourself happier by aligning your life with your strengths.

When our brain seems to be running wild with anger, stress, anxiety, or a desire for a drink, cigarette, or ice cream sundae, it seems no match for words like “no” or“stop.” But actually, a mindfulness technique of choosing the right words can be extremely helpful in corralling our primitive urges. The technique of “name it to tame it,” which encourages us to explore our experience and use words to express what we are feeling in the moment, actually has a lot of power in helping us gain control over our behavior. (Thanks to my esteemed colleague Rossana Hart, LMFT for this inspiring this one).

When we are stressed, our brains are in overdrive, engaging the flight/fight or anxiety response. This leads us to discharge energy, such as yelling at our spouse, or calm ourselves by eating or drinking. If we can intervene, stopping short our fight/flight response, we can make better decisions. When you name your sensations, such as “I am angry,” or “I am tense,” or “I feel like a failure,” you engage your left brain and activate competing brain circuits to counteract the fight/ flight anxiety loop, often quickly taking the edge off of your experience.

Brain scans actually show that putting negative emotions into words calms the brain’s emotion center and people report being able to let go of the negative feeling.  UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman was able to watch the brain functioning of people by using an MRI scan as they looked at pictures of males and female faces making emotional expressions. Underneath some of the photos were a choice of words describing the emotions, such as angry or fearful, or two possible names for the people, one male and one female. When making the choice of an emotion word, the imaging showed activation in the areas of the brain associated with thinking in words about emotional experience, while activity in the brain’s amygdala, involving emotional reactivity, actually calmed. In contrast, when choosing a person’s name for each picture, none of this activity appeared. In his article in Psychological Science, Lieberman concluded that his study showed the brain activity mechanisms by which identifying our emotions truly helps us overcome the power they hold over us.

In order to avoid getting stuck in habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that aren’t good for you, and in some cases are harmful, arm yourself with your vocabulary. When activated, take a moment and start to notice, and then describe, what you feel.

Tell yourself the story of your physical sensations, your thoughts, and what emotions you are aware of.  You will be surprised at the range of experiences you can have at the same time!  Them once you identify them, notice their intensity.  Has it changed?  Have you tamed your sugar craving beast or your tantrum seeking inner child?  Just like when we were little, “using your words” is still the best way to get what you want in the long run.

Ever since I was a little girl I loved watching the Olympics.   But unlike other girls who swooned over the young gold medal gymnasts or the winning swimmers in their sleek suits, I preferred to watch the losers.  Perhaps it is the same reason I became interested in psychology, but my favorite competitors were always the underdogs who despite knowing they had no chance of winning, found an emotionally compelling reason to keep competing.  Their faces were unknown and the amount they had to gain was actually so little comparatively, but what made them such winners to me was how each, in their own way, created a definition of success fully capable of sustaining their years of pain, dedication, and sacrifice.

As in the past, this year’s Olympic Village is full of athletes who inspire me by their ability to find satisfaction beyond fame and fortune, in the mere act of participation.  First, of course, is the ten members of the first ever Refugee Team.  Ok, yes, it makes all of us privileged lazy people look really bad, but how can we not become breathless when people with no homes and no families, no training facilities and poor nutrition, summon the strength to even try?  For example, Rose Nthike lokonyen, from Sudan, made the team despite having to run barefoot in tryouts in the refugee camp. Yolanda Mabika from the Democratic Republic of Congo first took up her Olympic sport of judo in a center for displaced children after she lost both parents.  Perhaps they run or swim just to maintain their sanity, or perhaps it is a way to stay connected to their humanity, but how can you not esteem these individuals as the purest and truest inspiration of the human spirit?

And then there are the people who pave the way:  Sara Ahmed, the first woman to stand on a podium for Egypt, ever (and she had to wait until the Weightlifting Federation approved a special outfit that she felt was okay for her to wear); Ibtihaj Mohammed, the first US athlete to compete in a hijab; Nino Salukvaqze and Tsoqtne Macharanai, the first mother and son to compete in the same Olympic Games; Bernard Lagat, the oldest track athlete still able to qualify at the age of 41; and Ashleigh Johnson, the first black US women’s water polo player.

And then, to really crack a smile, check out the video going viral of the two Philipino men spring board divers who landed flat in the water, literally got scores of “0” and then high fived with smiles in the hot tub!

These are just the people we hear about in the news.  For every athlete that never makes it to even a semi-final, there is a unique history of commitment and passion that we will never know.  What most inspires me is that without the expectation of a medal to define their success, these athletes have the inner strength to set their own personal goals which quietly provide enough meaning to maintain their commitment.  As I think about them, it makes me more sensitive to the stories of hidden triumph all around me – the people overcoming obstacles and personal challenges without much fanfare or economic reward, purely for reasons only they can define.   So, I am grateful for the inspiration every four years of all the Olympic losers, for they truly remind me that we are the meaning makers for our own lives, setting the goals by which only we can truly measure our success.

I’m writing this week’s blog post from a hotel room while taking our daughter to college across the country from where we live. I am so impressed with her attitude and her courage in choosing an experience of living, as she calls it, “outside of our California bubble.”   There are huge opportunities for growth when you take on such a big change, standing at the edge of the chasm looking across from who you are now to who you hope to become.  But you need to make sure the leap isn’t made as an impulsive fantasy, but rather with thoughtful preparation and self awareness to guide your landing.

When opportunities for big change present themselves it can often seem like they come out of the blue, like being offered a new job with a completely different company, or meeting someone to begin a brand new relationship.  But seldom are things as random as they seem.  New opportunities don’t happen in a vacuum, they are the result of all the decisions and life choices we’ve made up to that point.  If we ignore our truths and don’t apply what we know carefully, paying close attention to the red flags of experience, we take the leap with blinders on.  We all know people who jump into a relationship or make a huge move with little information, just a hope that by making a big change their life would become happy.  Frequently these impulsive decisions backfire, and we end up back where we started, only worse (the splat after the leap).

In making big change decisions, it sure helps to plan.  Do as much research as you can about the new experience and think through how the possibilities will resonate with your goals and values.  What are the potential benefits, where might things go wrong, and what resources do you have in case?  It’s also a good idea to have a parachute.  Is the change going to head you in the direction you want to be, even if things don’t work out?  Is the experience itself going to be something you will look back on with pride and leave you feeling good about your effort and learning?

While dropping my daughter off will be hard for me (God I will miss her) it helps for me to know that she feels her choice is the best fit for her in preparing for her future.  She created her plan by working hard in high school so she would have a lot of good choices, carefully researched and visited each top choice of programs in her area of interest, and chose a school that had the best combination of the campus, resources, academics, and awarded scholarship money that worked for her. She is developing a parachute by educating herself about campus tutoring and other student services and using social media to create supportive relationships to welcome her before she even moves in.  In watching her go through the process, I have seen her change so much already!   My daughter and her friends are truly so much more aware than I was at that age, which makes me feel the world will be in good hands in the future.

Sierra, my dear, you could not be any more ready, and we are so proud of you.  Of course you will have days and experiences that will make you doubt your abilities and your decision.  If you didn’t feel the need to grow, it wouldn’t be the right place for you.  At those times, just please remember all that you have accomplished and the determination you have always used to overcome. Now go take flight.