I like to think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love of all kinds.  Besides Eros, which means passionate love, Ancient Greek had three other words for love:  philia refers to the love of friendship, storge refers to familial love, and agape refers to selfless love or charity.  So even if you are not in a romantic relationship this year, take inventory of the love you do have and know that experiencing love is actually good for you.

It’s so important to remember that love comes in many forms.  This helps stave off the blues when you are not in a relationship and takes the pressure off of your romantic relationship if you are in one.  The happiest people report love of all kinds as being key – love of nature, love of learning, love of friends, and even a love for loving.  Incorporate love into your life.  Reach out to hug and hold hands with people. (This brings an instant mood boost.)  Look for opportunities to be playful with the people around you – laugh, dance, sing.  This tends to increase your connections and makes people feel closer.  Even something as simple as smiling at someone can make you both feel good.  Doing something kind for someone else and showing love is always the best way to ensure more love in your own life.  The more love you give, the more they you to receive.

Researchers lucky enough to be studying loving feelings have found many benefits.  Love actually creates happiness by causing the production of norepinephrine and dopamine in your brain leading to increased feelings of joy and pleasure.  Love helps boost self-esteem, leading to engaging in activities that contribute to better nutrition and decreases unhealthy lifestyle choices.  Feelings of love can lower the production of the stress hormone, cortisol.  In fact, love encourages your body to produce oxytocin, the “bonding” or “love” hormone that reduces overall stress, improves immune functioning, and decreases cell death and inflammation!

And don’t forget yourself.  It is hard for people to love you if you don’t feel you deserve it. Being able to receive love is an important part of psychological health.  Treat yourself like you would treat another person you are deeply in love with.  You are the best person to make you feel loved!

1-800-273-TALK (8255)  SUICIDE PREVENTION HELP LINE

Having worked in community mental health for three decades, I see a pattern each year.  Beginning in early February we get more calls and more people presenting with suicidal thinking.  Research shows that spring, rather than winter,  is the time that most people attempt suicide.  That is the bad news.  The good news is that people are coming to us for help.  Because of this important trend, I felt it important in this week’s post to share some information about suicide prevention.  Given that at any time approximately 25% of the population is suffering from depression, someone you know and love may be at risk.

According to Diane Sprice, the director of Suicide Prevention Services of the Central Coast, “The myth is that Christmas is the most high risk time for people to become suicidal, but it is actually springtime.”  Brice cites relationship troubles as the most frequent reason people call the suicide help line, followed by financial insecurity.  A Missouri hotline reported roughly 200 more calls on Valentine’s Day each year.  Once we get through the stress of winter, and the holiday, Brice says, “February comes and you’re supposed to be in love and you’re supposed to feel better…that’s when it gets really difficult for people, because of the expectation to feel better.”

For those who are lucky enough to have never experienced depression or suicidal thinking, it is very hard to understand why someone would think this way.  Especially when people externally seem to have success and so much to live for.  But depression has a way of distorting people’s thinking, bringing about a severe sense of hopelessness and despair that seems unending.  Thoughts of suicide are not a way of getting sympathy or attention, but a desire to end physical or emotional pain.  Most people who attempt suicide do not really want to die, they just don’t see any other way out of their suffering.  They actually convince themselves that others will be better off without their burden.

Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness.  They may be too hopeless, fear the stigma, or not have easy access to care.  The good news is, however, that 80 to 90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication.  (This is what makes my work so rewarding!)  Therapy can help people find new ways to approach their problems and give people a sense of agency again while giving them a safe place to talk about their feelings.  Antidepressant medication can work on brain chemistry that has been affected by chronic stress or depression.

Some of the warning signs that someone is considering suicide are:  expressions of hopelessness, risk taking behavior, substance abuse, personality changes such as withdrawal, a lack of interest in the future, giving things away, lack of interest in future planning, and statements such as “you’d be better off without me.”  If you think someone is at risk, trust your instincts.  Talk with the person about your concerns, listening with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude.  Ask direct questions, such as if they have thoughts of hurting themselves and if they have a specific plan.  The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk.  Remove any means of carrying out the plan, such as medication, guns, or knives.  Never swear to secrecy or act in a punitive manner.  Even if the person resists, get professional help.  Remember and remind the person, suicidal thinking is a symptom of depression, not a personal failure.

Some Statistics:

• Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, accounting for more than 1% of all deaths
• More years of life are lost to suicide than to any other single cause except heart disease and cancer
• 30,000 Americans die by suicide each year; an additional 500,000 Americans attempt suicide annually
• Suicide rates are highest in old age: 20% of the population and 40% of suicide victims are over 60. After age 75, the rate is three times higher than average, and among white men over 80, it is six times higher than average
• The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are among Whites, American Indians, and Alaska Natives
• Females attempt suicide three times more often than males, but males are 4 times more likely to die by suicide, as they tend to use more lethal methods such as firearms.
• An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors.

An interesting article came to my attention this week.  It described studies showing that people who brought their own shopping bags to the grocery store purchased both more environmentally friendly products, but also more unhealthy items, such as potato chips.  Say what?  Helping the environment leads us to eat more ice cream?  With further investigation it turns out it is actually not the shopping bags, but the reward we feel we deserve in remembering the shopping bags, that leads us to indulge.  (Being required to bring the bags eliminates the entitled behavior).  This indulging tendency is known as the licensing effect, and can subtly sabotage our good health behaviors.

The licensing effect is a term used in marketing and social psychology to describe the subconscious phenomenon wherein an increase in our self image tends to make us worry less about the consequences of subsequent choices, and therefore increases the likelihood to act in more negative ways.  In other words, people will allow themselves to indulge after doing something positive first. Drink a diet soda – order dessert.  Go for a hike – have a cheeseburger for lunch.  Licensing has a permissive effect and can lead to poor choices and eventually unintended consequences.

Well, I’m thinking, that explains a few things I’ve always wondered about, such as why every time I pay off a large bill I order myself a little something from Amazon.  Or why my husband always has a chicken burrito for lunch the day he weighs himself and is happy to have lost a bit of weight.

According to the change expert BJ Fogg of Stanford, even the most successful among us are starved of feeling successful.  In his research, Fogg found that the feeling generated by success is disproportionately greater than the size of the accomplishment itself.  Using celebrations, then, as positive reinforcement can increase behavior change.  It builds motivation naturally.  In fact, BJ Fogg recommends creating a tiny celebration each time you engage in even a tiny step toward a larger behavior change.  His prescription is to say “I am awesome,”  fist pump, or raise your hands up in victory whenever you engage in a small victory of a step toward your behavior change.  Do a few push ups, tell yourself how great you are.  Floss your teeth, smile in the mirror and give yourself a thumbs up.  Not only do you acknowledge your behavior, but it actually releases chemicals in your brain to reinforce the neural loop of the behavior.

So, in applying this to our grocery bag to potato chip behavior chain, it occurs to me that licensing is a natural response in which we create a reward for the success of remembering our bags.  We are hungry for the feeling of success, not the potato chips (or the new book when I pay off my credit card bill).  Therefore it makes sense that in order to avoid the unintended consequences of “indulging,” we could actively create a reward that will fill the need, such as Fogg’s “celebration.”  If we give ourselves the reward and “atta-girl” feeling, it will bring our attention to our “licensing” attitude and help us avoid the trap.

How about we try out some small celebrations of our own this week?   Let’s see how it feels to add a little touchdown endzone dance when we take out the garbage or decline a piece of cheesecake.  It might just help us to avoid the self sabotage of indulgence and if nothing else, it will make our lives a little more fun!

We usually think about role models in terms of our children and who they are being influenced by and how.  But as our country moved through another peaceful transfer of power, it made me reflect on the last eight years of President Obama.  I have been surprised at, separate from the politics, how much I will miss the man.  His leadership style and his behavior have quietly affected me and provided a role model for my own behavior and attitudes as both a leader and as a citizen.

Psychologists have studied and documented for many years how much our behavior is influenced by observing others.  We are huge copy-catters, without even realizing it.  But we not only copy individual behaviors, but we tend to take on sets of behaviors.  Public figures most often become role models because they have such visibility in our culture, especially with social media.  We are exposed to images and words about what they are doing and thinking most every day, and this has a big effect on what we wear, what we purchase, what we think is appropriate or acceptable, and what we ourselves will choose to do.  If they are successful, they must be doing things in the “right” way.

So I want to acknowledge President Obama for his influence on me.  He became an example of a calm and assured, yet compassionate leader.  He understood the importance of words, in how they can motivate and how they can hurt.  He was careful in showing his strength when necessary, in speaking strongly, and in showing his vulnerability, shedding a tear or even being fiesty when challenged.  I did not always agree with him, but I never doubted that he had put a lot of thought into his decisions.  He took his responsibilities seriously not only for his fellow citizens,  but for future generations. I always trusted he had considered consequences, had consulted with others, and was making a decision for the best possible outcome for what he believed to be the common good.   And he demonstrated that being smart, articulate, and studious was not mutually exclusive to being cool.  I enjoyed reading about his basketball games and watching the way he seemed to effortlessly saunter down the steps of Airforce1 while smiling and buttoning his jacket. (I have to defer on that one, I will never be able to be that cool).  Who can forget how he snatched that fly out of thin air during an interview or how he could poke fun at himself while breaking into his “I got game” toothy smile.

What I also appreciate about President Obama was how he carried himself with such composure, but also never separated himself from being an everyday man.  His relationship with Michelle and his children was so obviously close, respectful, and he lived a family dynamic that was mutual and collaborative. He integrated and reflected on his many identities as a father, husband, son, black man, and fellow American.  And I will never forget how he spoke about his difficulty when he quit smoking.  His public battle with his smoking habit has been mentioned by a participant in every quit smoking class I have taught in the past eight years.

But most of all, for me personally, it is his respect and inspiration around public service that I have been most influenced by.  His belief in leadership as service directly impacted my own perspective in how I approach my work and my life.  I am more thoughtful, more ego-less and more willing to risk my own interests for the pursuit and responsibility of the common good as both a leader and as a person.  I am grateful for his example as a human being and for providing so many young people, as well as us older people, with a broader range of what is possible for them and for us all.

It is our nature as humans to be social and to absorb the attitudes and behaviors of others.  We worry about this for our kids, seeking out opportunities for positive influences and guarding  them from negative ones.  But perhaps in our role as their role models, we need to acknowledge our own influences and be mindful of how we choose them.  We show them through our own behavior who to pay attention to and who to admire.  I am so very thankful to President Obama for being a President I am proud to watch and learn from.

I stopped at the store last night to pick up a few things, and what I thought would take just  two minutes took fifteen because of having to sort through the fifty brands and options of each item.  Who knew there could be so many choices in just buying tangerines and beans?  Our lives are so busy and full of constant competing demands that sometimes our exhaustion at the end of the day is simply from the number of choices we have to make.  It is no wonder that research shows that in order to be successful in sticking to a routine or enacting a new one, simplicity is a key.

President Obama, in making his transition to leader of the free world, decided he would only wear two colors of suits, blue and gray.  According to the President, “I’m trying to pare down decisions.  I don’t want to make too many decisions about what I’m eating or wearing because I have too many decisions to make.”

So when we think about adding in a new behavior that we know will be good for us, how do we make it simple enough not to add to our overwhelm?  One technique is the “add on” technique, which is a way to link a new behavior to one you already do, starting small and building up to the goal desired.

Let’s say I decide I want to start doing some strength exercises, but I keep forgetting or avoiding them.  The first step is to decide what point in my day would be best to build it in.  I decide it would be good in the morning before I get dressed, because my schedule gets out of control and I am tired at the end of the day.  Also, I like the feeling of having done something I feel good about before I leave the house.  Next, I decide just one exercise I would like to do.  I am going to start with push ups.  Now, I link it to a behavior I already do each morning.  For me, I alway go to my dresser when I get dressed in the morning, so I put my push up bars in front of my dresser.  This way, each morning when I go to get dressed, there is a cue there to remind me to do my push ups.

I need to start small, which is fortunate, because I can only do a few.  It only takes a minute or two and is something I can do.  After I get used to doing these push ups, I plan to add one more.  Then I’ll add one more, until I reach my goal of 20.  Then, when I have built in my push up attempt routine, I can add a few sit ups.  Then I can alter my days with a few squats.  The point is to take a behavior that is already a part of my routine and link something very small and manageable to add to it.

Another example would be flossing your teeth. Choose the time of day you already regularly brush your teeth and would feel best about adding it in, like the evening.  Now, when you put your toothbrush away in the morning, just pull a short string of floss out and wrap it around your tooth brush. This will cue you to floss when you take out your toothbrush in the evening.  Then, start with just a few teeth, like your molars.  Then add on a few more as you become used to laying out your floss and flossing your molars.  Over time, you will build up to flossing your teeth and it will become your new habit.

The Add On Technique involves the qualities of behavior change that have proven to bring success, or what is known as the 3 R’s.  It involves a Reminder and a Routine.  The third R is Reward.  So make sure after you reach a goal, for me it will be 20 push ups, to add in a Reward!  And while everything else is simple, perhaps this is the area we can have a little fun. While doing my push ups I can dream about what I will do when I hit my goal.  As of now, I am at six full push ups (with the other 14 on my knees), so I think I have some time…

Every January fitness centers and gyms see their membership numbers jump and the parking lots fill up.  While it’s wonderful that so many people feel energized and motivated with the opportunity for a fresh start in the New Year, it always makes me sad to know the statistic that the average person who signs up for a new gym membership will no longer be going in March.  So with this reality, how can we help our good intentions last and avoid wasting money and feeling guilty every time the gym membership automatic payment goes through?

It’s easy to be swept up in the appeal of a New Year.  It provides a clean slate and a fresh start.  Unfortunately, we also tend to be swept up in thinking that the new year will bring a new us.  I know for myself, I can easily get drawn into some magical thinking that just by declaring a new me with new behaviors, the deed will be done.  And it does work for the first week, and maybe if I’m lucky, the first month, which makes me think it’s all about my willpower.  But day by day, my true life settles in and I realize that my New Year still holds my old life, full of my old responsibilities and stresses and all the reasons that led to my overeating and skipping workouts and canceling my mammogram appointments, etc.  I get angry with myself and resigned that I just don’t have the willpower anymore and may never have enough to live as I would hope.

But research over the past few years has shown something important that may be a key to helping us sustain our effort.  It is not about willpower.  Willpower is not enough and can not sustain us through the realities of our stressful lives.  The best way to be effective in maintaining our change is not magical, not fresh, and not new.  The people who are most successful at making change are able to address the realities of their lives and rather than creating a new life, make a plan for how to incorporate change into their already existing one.  In general, this means small changes, day by day, step by step.  It also means assessing and planning each day for the next day’s challenges and being flexible to maintain our best effort given our limitations.

For example, a woman I know who has a busy job and kids decided she was going to lose weight by working out in the morning before her family got up and also do a low carb diet.  She was so excited about this as she had read about the quick weight loss that can be obtained by this combination.  And it “worked” for the first month, as she was so happy to report losing 5 pounds.  What  was also happening, however, was a lack of sleep and a lot of extra stress in cooking and shopping for her new diet, as she found she had to make several types of meals for her various family members.  By the end of the second month, she was more stressed, losing sleep in the morning from getting up so early, and staying up late to prepare several lunches and meals for the next day.  This effort wore her down, and by the end of the second month, she was “cheating” by eating out more often, and stressed by the money she was spending on extra meals.  She was also cranky and overslept some days, and then got injured because she tried to over exercise on the weekend to make up for the morning workouts she slept through.  The result was weight loss stagnation, a strained hamstring, along with  a lot of frustration and disappointment.

So good for us as we start the new year with some good intentions, but let’s also be real with ourselves about the old life we bring into the New Year.  Rather than thinking about being 15 pounds lighter and wearing the cute summer dress for the BBQ in July, just think about tomorrow.  What is your day really going to look like?  What does the week ahead hold in store?  How can you make a plan that will be reasonable and doable, with small changes that won’t lead to rebellion or defeat?

Rather than thinking in terms of a New Year, it is actually more effective to think of a new day.  What do you need to take care of you as best as possible for this day, finding balance and involving small efforts that you are likely to feel good about it?  And what will you enjoy?  If you don’t like going to the gym, don’t join one!  Just because there was a great deal, think about tomorrow:  Would you rather go to the gym or go for a walk with your best friend?  Because as the tomorrows pass by, if you enjoy the todays, you will be much more likely to be doing it in March, when all the gyms are empty!

At the stroke of midnight, after counting down and kissing loved ones, we sing Auld Lang Syne.  This old Scottish tune written by Robert Burns in 1788, is used in the tradition to bid farewell to the old year.  By extension, it is also sung at funerals and graduations and at the close of occasions, including Boy Scout jamborees, I just learned.  It poses the question of how we move forward and maintain relation to those we leave behind:  “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?”  New Years for many is a bittersweet time.  Especially for those of us who have lost someone dear to us, the marking of a new year naturally brings up sadness for those we leave behind.

Grief comes in waves.  There is no timetable to it and it surely is not a straight line of feeling better every day.  I can personally say that after 22 years of grieving for my sister, I have good days and bad, good years and bad ones.  But I can also say that, as other people assured me would happen, although the pain remains, I have learned to live with it.  In some ways the grief is like a familiar friend, a reminder of the connection I still have to this important relationship.  It can still be pretty darn painful, though, and there are surprising times when a memory, sound, or even a scent can bring me back as if it just happened yesterday,

Honoring your grief is vital.  Grief is not an illness that we need to avoid or be free of to be healthy.  It is a natural response that reflects the love and attachment that gives meaning to our lives. Close relationships help regulate our daily psychological and physical functioning.  The loss of them can leave us feeling less in control and disoriented.

Common to grief, even after many years, is exhaustion.  We often underestimate how we can physically manifest the complex emotions we have as we grieve.  We also tend to have difficulty thinking clearly.  Especially in the early stages of grief, making decisions and remembering even the simplest of things can be difficult.  Grief often is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation.  The world can feel like it is moving on without us and our loved one.  We may have a lot of ambivalence about moving on, feeling that each step “forward” is a step away from the person who is no longer with us. We may feel pressure from the rest of the world to “move on.”

When someone we love dies, the loss is permanent and so is our grief.  We can find a new normal, however, that incorporates our feelings of loss and our desire to keep the memory of our loved one an active presence in the world.  There are many ways that people effectively do this, and finding a best way for your situation is important.  Going to a grief support group can be helpful.  It provides a place to talk about what you are feeling with other people who understand.  Developing rituals can also be tremendously helpful actions in coping. Although my sister’s grave site is across the country, I was able to dedicate a bench in her honor at a local park I love to visit.  On her birthday and other milestones, it helps to sit and chat with her.  For some people, making an altar or memorial scholarship provides a structure to their grief, or simply making a recipe or telling a special story, even if it’s been told many times before, can be helpful.  And of course, don’t  be afraid of tears.  It is a natural release and a way of externalizing the deep well of emotions that live within us.

Be self loving and take care.  Give yourself the time and space for grief without judgement.  Pushing grief aside has a way of backfiring and prolonging the feeling of helplessness.  Slow down and let yourself feel what is there.  As the old Scottish song recognizes, “We’ll take a cup of kindness, yet, for Auld Lang Syne”.

Congratulations, we made it!  This past week was the winter solstice, marking the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.  Technically, the solstice is a result of the earth’s tilt of 23.5 degrees on its vertical axis.  Due to this tilt, the Earth’s north and south do not receive equal amounts of sunlight as the Earth orbits around the sun.  The most direct sunlight shifts occur in the middle to higher latitudes, leading to what we experience as the change of seasons.  Discovered in early civilizations, the solstice is celebrated not only for the transition it represents, but for the emotional and even spiritual reaction it evokes.

The term “solstice” derives from the Latin word “solstitium”, meaning “sun standing still.”  On this day, the sun seems to stand still at the point of the Tropic of Capricorn, and then reverses its direction as it reaches its southernmost position as seen from the Earth.  This exact day has been marked with significance by many cultures.  Stonehenge, the prehistoric monument located in Wiltshire, is carefully aligned on a site-line for the solstice.  Archaeologists believe it was built from 3000 BC to 2000 BC.  People still gather at this site to mark the passing of the day and what would be the beginning of winter preparations.  In Ancient Rome, as far back as 217 BCE, the winter festival Saturnalia lasted for seven days during which banquets were held for the father of the gods, Saturn.  The Feast of Juul was a pre-Christian festival observed in Scandinavia.  People would light fires to symbolize the heat and light of the returning sun, and a Juul log (or Yule, yes that is where it comes from)  was brought in and dropped in the fire as a tribute to the Norse god Thor.  Iranians celebrate Yalda as the renewal of the sun and the victory of light over darkness. On the solstice, the sun was thought to be reborn, being saved from the claws of the devil, as seen as the darkness.  In Guatemala on this day, the ritual of Palo Volador, or the flying pole dance is completed.  Three men climb on the top of a 50 foot pole. One man plays a drum and flute while the other two men wind a rope attached to the pole around their foot.  They jump, and if they land on their feet, it is believed the sun god is pleased and the sun will triumph.

I feel a comfort in joining the generations of people celebrating the solstice.  I can almost feel a physical sense of relief as we arrive at the turning point and pivot to what feels like an awakening from winter slumber.  In the dark days I am tired, feeling that the world is closing down and I am along with it.  As the shift happens from the shortening to the lengthening of daylight, it reminds me that the return and renewal from darkness happens in small slow increments, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.   And that no matter how dark it seems to be, there will be, in good time,  a reliable and inevitable shift to returning brightness.  Every solstice I am reassured that our lives move in cycles and seasons.  There are dark times, but there will eventually be light.  It is also a comfort for me to realize that while it is the darkest and longest night for us right now, somewhere on the opposite side of our Earth it is the longest and brightest day of the year for others.  In the earth’s rotation, both the blessing of light and the burdens of darkness are shared;  we all have our times and our seasons.

I was at our local YMCA the other day, the gym where I attempt to work out, and was complaining with another member about the impending closure for refurbishing.  “Really?”  I lamented.  “Closed the week before Christmas, with all the parties and holiday eating?”  I was outraged, a sense of betrayal building.  “Yeah,” my partner in whining said,  “With all our family around, I guess they just expect us to sit home and stress eat all the holiday baking.”  We both suddenly burst out laughing, realizing the absurdity of our logic.  As if with this one bit of news every possible way to exercise and reduce our stress had been taken away from us.

This episode got me thinking about excuses.  How often do we find an excuse conveniently available for the taking?  When something goes wrong it’s so easy to dive into righteous indignation and victimhood.  How often do I take the easy way out, using a setback as a way to avoid what was difficult to do in the first place?

Excuses are choices, just like any other course of action.  But they can be subtle and so very appealing, as they don’t appear as a choice.  As the very wise old saying suggests, we can’t control what other people do, but we can control our reactions to it.  Yes, the Y being closed was a pain in the neck.  It made it so I have to make more of an effort to find a way to work out.  On the bright side, in doing so, I am giving it a lot more thought and attention.  I am considering my options and making a plan.  The truth is, if the Y was going to be open, there is no guarantee that in a dark, rainy, busy week, that I would make there.  Now, because of the closure, I made a definite commitment to working out.

So now I am on the lookout for excuses.  My hope is to be more aware of the times I give up without fight or find a rationalization for not doing what I know might take more effort or be temporarily uncomfortable, but will help me reach my goal.  It is in these small excuses, these real choices, that my progress will be measured.  So, if you’re free next week, join me and my Y mate for a jaunt around Spring Lake.  Just make sure you bring your flashlight.

I ‘ve been wondering a lot this week about self perception and its influence.  I was noticing how on any given day, depending on how I feel, my sense of myself can vary.  And because of it, I engage in the world somewhat differently. If I’m feeling good about myself, I’m more outgoing and engaged, more confident and willing.  On the not so good days, I’m more tentative, more likely to doubt myself and then hold back.  So how much does my behavior, based on my self perception, influence my reality in ways that will reinforce my belief?

Distortions in self perception are a common topic in my work with clients.  Many people internalize a view of themselves that is critical and downright cruel.  Their self judgments are so harsh, they can’t possibly think that they are lovable or deserving of compassion.  They compare themselves, seeing only the beautiful in others and the ugly in themselves.  Based on this evaluation, they hide out, choose less than ideal partners, or refrain from engaging in or initiating positive things.

One woman encouraged me to watch a video put out by Dove (ok, yes, it is marketing, but well worth it).  In the video, a police sketch artist is employed to show people the difference between how they describe themselves and how someone they have just met in the waiting area describes them.  The sketch artist never sees the person, only working from the two descriptions.  Then they put the drawings side by side, and the results are powerful.  Even more powerful is watching the participants look at the contrast of the two drawings and see how their own perception is much harsher, including “older” and “fatter.”

How would we be different if we saw ourselves without our negative filters or distortions?  What if we approached the world as if we were beautiful people, confident, and capable?  How would we behave differently?  Who would we talk to, what activities would we engage in, and how would our lives be different?  There is the old corny saying, “smile and the world smiles with you.”  But research shows this is true.  People who are comfortable with themselves invite people toward them with their demeanor and make other people feel liked and comfortable, too.

As I get older it’s definitely easier for me to be more consistent in my sense of self.  I have more years of experience, I suppose, in knowing who I am.  In addition, the stability in this phase of my life helps.  But whenever I try something new, meet new people in an important social setting, or take on new role or challenge, the insecurity seeps in.  When I start to worry more about what other people are thinking of me, the self judgments are prone to pop up.  That is the time I need to ask myself, how would I be different without these negative beliefs?  The challenge is then in letting them go, and being the person I would prefer to believe I am.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  Is it really you, or is it your judgments?  When you remember your performance in a meeting or a conversation, is it what really happened, or is a memory distorted by your fears?  Don’t believe everything you think.  It may be a bumper sticker (that’s where I saw this phrase), but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Check out the Dove Real Beauty video on you tube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Ok, there is a hilarious parody about men out there, now, too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo