I’ve noticed quite a few people feeling stuck lately.  Whether it’s working toward a personal or professional goal, they describe spinning their wheels (mostly mental) with good intentions, but little progress.  It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration and paralyzed in comparing where we are with where we wish we could be. This leads to feeling angry and frustrated and feeds into a negative mind loop, which only holds us back.  At these times, change experts recommend taking a simple small action.  No matter how little, building a chain of small steps can get us unstuck. In this post, I’ll keep it small and simple with a description of an action plan with the hope it can lead to movement in the right direction.  

An action plan is a list of tasks or steps you need to achieve your goal.  It breaks down large goals into smaller steps that build toward the larger achievement.  For businesses, action plans can be complex and detailed to address the totality of a transition.  But for most of us, the smaller and simpler we can make an action plan, the better.  All it really takes is answering the four basics: Who, What, Where and When.  The more specific, the better.  

For example, you’ve wanted to learn Spanish in preparation for travel.  An action plan might be:

• Who – me
• What – Using Babble App
• Where – in the car and in the kitchen
• When – when I drive and when I cook; minimum twice a day for three weeks

Research shows that this little bit of planning can actually lead to significant change.  It helps if you write it down and then track yourself.  Make a check mark each time you do the behavior and have a finite end.  If its open ended, it tends to fade over time.  At the end of the time frame, evaluate your progress and then recommit to a new action plan.  Fresh action plans tend to re-energize us and allow for adjustments based on how things have been and what you’ve learned about your tendencies.  

A key to an effective action plan is choosing the right behavior.  If it’s too challenging, you’ll get discouraged.  If it’s too small, it won’t bring satisfaction.  Also make sure the action you’re going to start making will actually move you closer to your goal!  

Action plans are a way to set ourselves up for success.  In choosing a goal and thinking through the four W’s, we take away the contemplating and negotiation we tend to get lost in.  Rather than reinventing the wheel every day, which offers opportunities to delay or avoid, an action plan clears away the barrier of not knowing what to do, when to do it, and how.  A good action plan can factor in work-arounds to any potential barriers that might throw us off track.  So adding in a few “if…then” caveats can be helpful.  For example, if your action plan is to walk 3 miles in the park after work 3 days a week, but the weather is too hot, you can add an ”if it’s too hot, then I’ll walk in the mall” as a contingency plan.

A good action plan channels the mental energy in thinking about a goal into actually doing something about it.  Taking action makes us feel more hopeful and builds momentum and a sense of competence.  Most often, the first step is the hardest, and once we get going, we keep going.  And another suggestion?  Don’t make your first action plan be googling action plan!  Trust me, you’ll waste more than a few hours sitting in one place reading about action plans made by the United Nations on Child and Armed Conflict and clicking on pretty images of colorful diagrams.  Don’t ask me how I know.  (Perhaps in general googling anything shouldn’t be considered an action.)

If you were like me, the thought of having a computer generated friend seemed pretty appalling.   As a society already suffering from an epidemic of loneliness, it seems absurd that we’d be turning away from real connection and intimacy, subbing out human relatedness for a superficial, literally artificial version.  But over time, in reading about the possibilities and potential uses, I’ve become more open minded.  And now,  I laugh at myself for my naïveté.   It’s already way too late to think about whether it should happen or not, because it’s already here.   Most experts predict that millions of people will be forming close relationships with A.I. chatbots.  They’ll meet them on apps that can be downloaded for that purpose, or use them through social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat.   So perhaps what’s most important to think about now is how best to use them.  And in considering this, I find myself asking, “Would I?  Could I?  And why?”

A recent example of what’s influenced me in my opinion of A.I. companionship is reading about a robotic companion named ElliQ.  ElliQ consists of a small digital screen and a separate device about the size of a table lamp that vaguely resembles a human head but without any facial features.  The device swivels and lights up when it “talks.”  Unlike Alexa and Siri, ElliQ can initiate conversation and was designed to create meaningful bonds.  It tells jokes and can discuss complex topics, like religion.  In a New York State effort to ease the burdens of loneliness for its older residents, many of whom are widowed, divorced, and isolated, ElliQ devices were distributed to hundreds of people.  Since the state began this project in a pilot study, roughly 900 devices were given out and according to a report from the Office for the Aging, 95 percent of users say the robots are “helpful in reducing loneliness and improving well being.”  New York State is now allocating $700,000 a year to its budget to include ElliQ for individuals and senior living facilities.  Seniors interviewed reported it helped stave off boredom, practice social skills, and cope with their grief from the loss of a significant loved one.  

Other proponents of A.I. friendship also point to its value as a tool for mental health and companionship.  Users who struggle with social anxiety and autism report that it helps in practicing social skills.  Others report it as a way of getting support when they need it.  The sophistication of the algorithms and language processing creates personalized experiences and users report meaningful conversations.  Research on the long term effects of A.I. companionship is limited, due to it being so new, but it does seem that it can be a short term benefit.  One study conducted by Stanford researchers in 2023 found that some users of A.I. companions reported decreased anxiety and increased feelings of social support.  A few even indicated their A.I. companion had prevented them form self harm and even suicide.  

But there are concerns about these A.I.friendship devices including how data is stored and used and the unreliability or instability possible with such artificial friends.  When an App developer changes features, or increases fees for their availability, it can leave users feeling vulnerable and betrayed.  Other people worry about the social effects of immersing ourselves with “friends” who only tell us what we want to hear and don’t provide a real word experience of needing to be reciprocal and empathic to others.

Kevin Roose, a New York Times writer, expressed it well after testing six apps and interacting with 18 A.I. character friends for a month, sometimes having group conversations with them.  He wondered, “Can A.I. friends actually make us less lonely, or is their presence just an illusion of intimacy?”  While these companions can be good for some people , he also wonders if they are really just a distraction from our loneliness.  He worries that as the technology improves, we’ll miss out on the spontaneity and depth of real connection.  We might settle rather than make the effort to engage in relationships that are less predictable and with someone who may say things that could be important, but hard for us to hear.  As with most things in moderation, Mr. Roose sees a place for A.I. companions as an adjunct to our social experiences, but not as replacements.  If made responsibly, these companions can serve in a role as “flight simulators” to social engagement, he proposes, or a low stakes way to get some support or stimulation.

Which takes me back to my own question about if I would or could use an A.I. companion and under what circumstance.  After reading quite a bit about it, I actually think perhaps there would be ways it could be of use to me.  Sometimes I just want to vent about something that I don’t want to keep burdening others about.  For example, when I was caregiving for my mother, it would have been nice to have a “friend” that could support me.  I didn’t want to keep burdening my real life people with the same old complaints or stress stories, so it might have been nice to have a supportive voice available on demand.  Or perhaps I might create a work out coach to chat with.  I’d never want to give boring and tedious daily reports of my diet and exercise accomplishments and failures to people I care about!  Because I care about them!  But an A.I. chatbot who could give me a lift when I fell off the wagon might be just the companion I could burden. 

But then again, who am I kidding?!  I tend to anthropomorphize every device in our house!  I feel badly when our robot vacuum is lost or running low on battery (it’s so tired)!  I say please and thank you to Alexa, worrying about sounding too harsh in my commands.  And although I know it’s silly, I like that I care about them, as it feels natural to be grateful for their assistance.  So for me, I wonder if adding more “relationships” may just dilute the energy and effort I have for the people in my life I really want to be there for. 

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, as it seems unlikely to escape the many A.I. people moving into all of our neighborhoods.  I just hope I don’t start worrying if I forget their birthdays or stress about hurting their feelings if I haven’t talked to them in a while.  Or even more of concern, is once I create a companion and give it “life,” how will I feel if I choose to end it?

When I was in first grade I was terrified about moving up to second grade.  I thought the kids looked so big and capable and that there was no one there who would be my friend.  I wasn’t able to think ahead that I, too, would be older and more capable by the time I got there.  I simply projected the me I was then into the future. And although I was young and naive at 7 years old, I do think this happens all the time in varying ways and at varying ages.

Seeing change in ourselves is difficult, as we’re used to being the person we’ve been.  But seeing ourselves as we’ll be in the future is even more difficult. Predicting ourselves as how we’ll be in a year, or even more challenging, a few years time, we tend to simply project who we are now forward.  

At work, in training young psychology interns and medical professionals, I talk with them all the time about their insecurity.  Most of us have experienced what is known as imposter syndrome.  We see ourselves as the inexperienced person in a role that feels hard to imagine us being competent in.  We have doubts about our ability to grow and evolve to become what we’ll be.  We’re forced to have faith in a process of maturity and the internalization of experience.  When I hear interns talk about their fears in becoming licensed, I have to remind them that they’ll be a different person by the time that happens: more competent, capable, and by then they’ll be teaching the new group of interns entering the program.  That is what the intern year is about and they have to trust the growth process.

But the flip side is also true.  We have trouble trusting the aging process in terms of our own decline.  We see ourselves as we are now in the future.  It’s scary and unpleasant to acknowledge the process of aging when we’re in the final acts of it.  At this point, I can joke about having my mini donkeys pull my wheelchair or having to yell so my husband can hear.  It’s easy to laugh about it when it seems like a distant future.  But there are apparent truths I must face now that feel heavier.  My identity is changing, both in how I see myself, but in how others see me.  I am an older person at work now and am shifting to letting younger people have opportunities.  I notice myself pulling back for their sake, but also for my own.  They’re more capable than me in many areas now and their ambition is palpable and forms the foundation for the future.  My work/life balance priorities feel different.  My identity is expanding and my willingness to adapt to a culture or decision process I don’t fully agree with is less flexible.

Looking back five years ago when my husband and I started seriously thinking about a plan for retirement, my view of who I would be even now wasn’t accurate.  I ache more, I forget more, I’m less willing in some areas and more in others than I thought I’d be.  My predictions were on target in some areas and but not at all in others.  But it does feel really good to have started a plan that serves as a bit of a safety net for how we‘ll handle the inevitable changes that we both fear and look forward to.

Most all of us go through this with our aging parents.  It’s so damn painful to watch our once strong leaders struggle and weaken.  When we first started planning for my mother coming to live with us in California, she joked about becoming the “old lady up the hill.” But in time, it did happen, but not as we thought it would.  And much, much sooner due to her disease.  One of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do was take away her car keys.  And then her cane to use a walker, and then her walker to use a wheelchair.  She didn’t see the need and was angry and closed off to speaking about it.  The saddest part was knowing how years earlier her younger self would not have wanted to put me in this position.

And this leads me to what prompted me in thinking about all of this.  The debate.  It broke my heart, as it did to many who respect and admire Joe Biden.  It makes me wonder if the people around him love him enough to confront his truth or if they are vested in keeping him in power for their own self interest.  No person wants to see themselves as they are when they face decline, let alone predict future decline.  But if we are lucky enough to live long enough, it will happen, guaranteed.  How we handle it will be our legacy.

Today, being Father’s Day, I’ve naturally been thinking about my Dad.  He was such a role model for me in facing change with courage and resilience.  There were several times when my Father had to change his identity almost instantly by circumstances completely out of his control.  In fact, in one distinct occasion he literally was released from a hospital with the challenge of recuperating and starting from scratch in remaking a career.  But my Father had a very strong determination to change his identity as needed, not dwelling on what was lost, but seeing new possibilities in what he had to gain.  So in his honor, I did some reading about the topic of identity and change.  In doing so I was amazed at how he had instinctively done just what the research shows are the recommended steps for successful transformation.

Researchers Madeline Toubiana, Trish Ruebottom and Luciana Turchick Hakak (Harvard Review) conducted hundreds of interviews with people who had gone through various kinds of positive or negative identity shifts.  They found that many people experienced a sense of stuck-ness, or as the authors called it, identity paralysis, in which their sense of self couldn’t keep up with their new role.  This tended to happen especially when a major change was forced on someone.  But they also noticed a pattern of people who were able to make the identity shift and were open to growth in contrast to stuckness.  From their work, they outlined five strategies that enabled people to move forward with change, whether they were happy about it or not.

The first strategy was to acknowledge a distinct break from the past.  Many of the people they interviewed noted an event or moment that marked an acceptance of the change.  For many, it was like a tipping point, in which they felt a break with the past and the beginning of something new.  The particular event or experience was not as important as the fact that there was a symbolic shift to a new way of being. Some examples include packing away an old uniform or getting a new day planner.  The act itself may be small, but it carries a meaning of a new beginning and creates a ritual of letting go and becoming open.

A second strategy was creating a narrative about your transition that links your old self to your new self.  In this way you tie up loose ends of who you used to be.  For example, someone who left a high paying job to do something simpler can shape their story around the importance of sacrifice in becoming a better parent.  Or in the case of someone who is moving beyond a troubled past, they may tell their story in terms of their past behavior shaping who they are now, how they moved from darkness to light.  Having a narrative helped people to weave their past into the present without needing to hold on to it.

A third strategy involves acknowledging not just the facts, but the emotions that can get stuck in the past.  Frequently anger, sadness, shame, or hopelessness can be an anchor that weighs us down.  Researchers noted that people who were able to work through the feelings that were holding them back had a better chance of being open to their future self.  This might include letting go of shame, forgiving yourself or someone else, or refocusing your energy in a new attitude and reframing your feelings.  For example, instead of allowing herself to be stuck in shame after she lost her job, a researcher noted how one interviewee had worked to shift her feelings into pride in starting her own business.

The next strategy involves broadening your identity.  Research shows it is possible to have a number of identities at the same time.  If you are uncomfortable with your identity in one area of your life, you can shift your focus to another aspect of your identity as a way of coping and getting through a difficult transition.  Recognizing we are all composites of many identities can help you feel more resilient when one identity is challenged.  

And the final strategy outlined was perhaps what I remember most about my Father’s process of resilient change.  He had a great imagination for visualizing what might be possible.  Researchers noted that people who were most comfortable in their new identities were people who imagined their current circumstances were stepping stones in a path to their ultimate desired future.  Fantasy was, in fact, a great beacon of hope to the future, even if for some interviewees, the fantasy was objectively unrealistic.  What was important was to have an abstract future, a daydream, that they could lean into in order to see beyond their past, and even through their challenging present.  

My Father earned a PhD in science when he was 25.  Despite leaving the field and having a career trajectory that led him way outside of chemical engineering, he didn’t let that stop him when he lost his business in1990.  He had been shot during a robbery at his transmission shop and nearly died.  But after a long recovery, my father brushed off his degree from 1955 and made his way back into his beloved world of science (much changed over thirty years).  With mostly his own conviction and dream to rely on, he became a consultant for several companies across the country experimenting with polymer chemicals.  It took some time and some u-turns, but I had never seen my Dad happier than when he was off to the airport with his briefcase.  And I do not exaggerate when I tell you that he had to carry an x-ray because he triggered the airport security screening with metal pellets from his gunshot wound that still were embedded inside him.  The man who shot my Dad was never caught and my Dad never was able to reclaim the business he had lost, but to him, it didn’t matter.  Dr. Leonard Weissbein was too busy conjuring up experiments and postulating formulas.  

Happy Father’s Day, my dear Dad.  In your honor, I just read an abstract I found online from a journal article you wrote in 1960!!  From the Textile Research Journal, Volume 30, Issue 1: The Physical State of Direct Dyes in Viscose and its Influence: Part I: A Method of Examining the Physical State of Direct Dyes in Viscose.  Sure wish you were here to explain it to me!!

I love this time of year because it provides the opportunity for so many happy memories.  Graduations, weddings, and summer travel are the perfect framework for family photos and good laughs as we come together for big adventures.  But as I get older, and hopefully wiser, I realize that some of the most precious things I want to remember don’t always come with such big hoopla and packaging.  Because of it, though, they’re easier to forget.  So, in response to this, I started to do a little digging around about memory and how to help my brain hold on to more of what I cherish. 

Most of what we intensely remember, research shows, is related to emotional arousal.  It turns out the neurobiological systems mediating emotional arousal and memory are closely linked.  This makes sense as a survival tool.  When we are faced with things that are traumatic, our neurobiology is primed to encode it, so that we can prevent it from happening again.  In fact, traumatic memories are often stored so deeply as both body memories and a re-experiencing, they can create a syndrome we know as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  We’ve all had the experience of reliving a car accident or a fall when time seemed to slow down and when we can recall it as if it just happened.    

Fortunately the mechanism for encoding significant memories can also be used to recall happy events.  The enhanced encoding happens due to the release of cortisol and other biologically automatic processes that occur during intense emotional arousal.  So while, yes, bad events will kick them off, other arousing events that are stressful, but also good, can enhance our remembering of them.  The jitters in walking down the aisle, the thrill of kicking the winning goal, or the pain of giving birth to your most precious being – all arousing!!

But how, then, do I enhance my memory for the beautiful ordinary?  The way I feel when my daughters visit and tell me about their lives, or when my husband pridefully tells me he figured out how to fix the leak, or when my friends invite me to dinner for a girls night for no other reason than they want to. Fortunately, researchers have thought about that, applying what other researchers have found for encoding memories.  For example, Chip and Dan Heath, in The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact suggest ways to approach interactions that will kick up the likelihood of remembering them using what arouses us.

First see if you can boost up the sensory appeal of a situation.  Take in what you are seeing with vivid detail, what it smells like, or what you are listening to.  It’s ok to ask someone to repeat something that feels pleasurable to hear! Reach out and touch it, as well.  How does the sofa you are sitting on feel, or the smooth table at the restaurant, or the taste of your pasta.  Take the time to pull in all of your senses.

Another tool can be to break the script a little bit.  Surprising things tend to be remembered more than the usual.  Try meeting the person you cherish in a new environment for the two of you.  Neuroscientist David Eagleman writes that when you inject novelty into your life, you prevent the blur of things running together.  Research shows that when older people look back on their lives, a disproportionate number of their big memories come from a narrow window of time – from age 15 to 30.  And it’s not because their memory was better then, but because so many new things happen in this time, so many firsts.

Another strategy?  Create moments of pride  We tend to remember events like graduations, winning a prize, or achieving a goal because of the strong feelings we get from being appreciated.  But these events are rare and don’t always apply to the everyday beauty we live in.  But getting creative with our planning can help.  Create an anniversary event or a reason to appreciate someone.  For example, have a celebration for ten years of friendship!  Or a “You are my best co-worker” lunch.  Creating and celebrating what can feel like “silly milestones” will make it even more memorable because it’s unexpected.  You can even create arbitrary milestones!  My book club is reaching its 100th book and a member has initiated a club meeting at a winery for a tasting and discussion.  We’re all going to remember that!!

And a final suggestion for creating lasting memories in your relationships based on research – struggle!  No, don’t pick a fight with someone you love, but do things that require some challenge or meaningful effort.  Painting a room together or playing another family for touch football are far more likely to be remembered than watching a movie. Researcher Dimitris Xygalatas reports that groups that go through “high ordeal” events rather than “low ordeal events” are far more bonded.  It’s often the things that at the time felt like chores that we remember fondly.

The anniversary of my Dad’s death is coming up soon.  Some of my most intense memories of him were certainly during times of high arousal, some really tragic and others ironically very funny (looking back at least).  But I’d also like to take the time to remember the quiet things about my Dad.  The way his chest of drawers squeaked when he opened it to pick out his clothes for the day.  Or the way he lit up when we were on a fishing trip or smiled when I talked about school.  And the many, many, seemingly ordinary and routine afternoons of watching football together.  I still think of him every single  time I watch a game.  But, then again, we are NY Giants fans, and that is frequently traumatic.

I tend to have a strong intuitive sense that serves me well and I rely on it for my work and in my relationships (I’m an INFJ in the Myers Briggs, after all).  But lately, under stress, I notice my anxiety can lead me astray and trick me into jumping to conclusions. I know I’m not alone, as it’s a common issue I work with when people are distressed. As is true of most reactive responses, jumping to conclusions is a way we attempt to protect ourselves, trying to predict and control what may happen.  But making hasty assumptions tends to only make things worse and leads us away from a truth that is probably more reasonable, manageable, and, let’s face it, sane.  Recognizing our tendency to leap can be an important tool for coping with our stress instead of creating more of it.  

We tell ourselves stories in order to make sense of our world.  The more our story incorporates the facts of what is actually happening, the better we can make our way and the healthier our relationships tend to be.  But like any great drama, an author has motivations for their characters.   Depending on this motivation, it will color how the story is told.  For example, when we’re mad at someone, we might tell ourselves their actions are infused with bad intentions.  Or if we’re scared, we might see a threat in an invitation.  In other words, the story we tell ourselves is based partly on what actually happens, but also on what we project onto this action based on our own feelings. 

According to Aaron Beck, one of the founders of Cognitive Psychology, jumping to conclusions (JTC) is an example of a thought distortion, or thinking bias, that leads to unhelpful assumptions. He notes that the cognitive distortion of jumping to conclusions usually takes two forms.  First, people make “premature decisions,” by not collecting all the facts or not weighing information sufficiently.  Second, people tend to “overadjust” their thinking, ignoring or undervaluing disconfirming information.  

Research shows that the “JTC” type of cognitive distortion is quite common for people with anxiety and becomes more pronounced, as I noticed personally, under stress.   Anxiety is associated with both an increased attention to threatening information and a double whammy of also interpreting neutral stimuli as threatening.  Generally, anxious people are inclined to “watch out for danger” and then find it by jumping to “threat conclusions.”  For example, if you hear people laughing, you assume it’s directed at you or is about you.  In extreme circumstances, jumping to conclusions can lead to paranoia or delusional thinking.  In these cases, we are so preoccupied by our internal interpretations that we dismiss the external world completely. 

A common example of JTC is a prediction based on one experience.  You make a mistake and assume you will fail at everything, for example.   Or believing your own interpretation of something without knowing what the reality is, as in assuming someone is rejecting you if they didn’t return your text.  Or personalizing things, assuming someone meant something specific to you when in fact a situation had nothing to do with you at all.  In all of these circumstances we twist reality as a result of our own negative or insecure thinking.  In a way, it’s a rather self obsessed style, assuming the world is all about us and how we see it.

Acknowledging our tendency is a helpful first step in dealing with this habit.  Cognitive therapists use a term called decentering to describe the process of addressing cognitive distortions.  Decentering involves the ability to stand back and view a thought as a perspective or opinion, but not necessarily a fact.  People are encouraged to re-evaluate conclusions and slow things down by asking themselves how someone else might interpret the situation or what supporting or contradicting evidence there might be to the conclusion you’ve made  By questioning your own process, you can factor in the tendency to be quick to see a threat, and widen the lens to which you interpret a situation.  It also helps to keep you from acting on your impulse and to give yourself permission to think through a response before jumping into one.

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t believe everything you think.” I would also include not believing everything you feel.  Our thoughts and feelings are incredibly important sources of information, but we can veer far off course if we are too caught up in our own story.  While we are the author of our lives, we also have to do some fact checking.  Otherwise, our story may end up as total fiction.

I often hear women struggling with the feeling they aren’t good enough.  Despite juggling a heavy range of demands in an impressive manner, they feel inadequate and convinced that they aren’t living up to expectations.  Particularly in the area of parenting, women tend to set an impossible standard that they should always know and do the right thing for their family. Unreasonable, right?  Exhausting, for sure?  But most of all, it can lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional suffering!  So with Mother’s Day approaching, I thought attacking the monster of perfectionism might be the perfect thing.

Research consistently shows that women engage in perfectionistic thinking more often than men.  A recent study indicates a particular rise for women in what is categorized as “socially prescribed perfectionism,” rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. Behind the idea of needing to be perfect is the sense that you are inadequate and need to do better.  It often comes in the form of a critical inner voice that’s constantly evaluating every move for what could be and should be better.  There is a strong pressure to prove your worth driven by an underlying deep fear of failure.

Dr. Brene Brown’s research indicates that women tend to lack confidence, which leads them to perfectionistic tendencies.  They feel they have to get everything right in order to prove their value.  Women tend to hold back on answering questions in school, asking for raises, or speaking up at all because they feel they have to have the right answer and are afraid to take a risk of being wrong.  Dr. Brown’s research also shows that women particularly struggle with perfectionism related to mothering, caregiving, and body image.  This leads to extra pressure in taking on the demands of paid work in addition to the invisible demands (emotional and caretaking duties) of unpaid work.  Often, when women don’t jump into caretaking, they’re seen as selfish, which creates more internal and external pressure.

Social media has directly led to an increase in feelings of inadequacy.  Research shared in Psychology Today shows a pattern of women comparing themselves to screen images of distorted body shape, travel, success, and socializing.  Social media creates an “endless comparison cycle, leaving women feeling conflicted between trying to achieve higher standards or having lower self esteem.”  Perfectionism can lead to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.  More generally, it can lead to burn-out, procrastination, relationship issues, and insomnia.

There are ways to fight back against the perfectionism monster living in our psyches, however.  One important  process is called “distancing.”  Distancing is a way of zooming out from our inner chatter and seeing a bigger picture. One way to distance is to think about the future. What will you feel about this matter tomorrow, three months from now, or even a year from now?  Another way to distance is to use the third person while talking to yourself.  Dr. Kross, an expert on self talk research, found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I”, and started observing themselves more like a bystander, it was “like flipping a switch.”  The inner dialogue became more constructive and more positive than when addressing themselves in the first person.

Practice the motto “good enough.”  It takes letting go, but this can be liberating.  Trauma specialist and physician Gabor Mate reminds his patients that the feeling of being legitimate comes from within.  Chasing after external validation robs us of joy, playfulness, and the ability to be fully present with whatever we are doing or whoever we are with.

I tend to see perfectionism as a survival strategy people employ in order to cope with feeling vulnerable.  If they do it right, do more, and control everything, they can protect themselves from what it is they fear will be wrong.  And what can make us feel more vulnerable than parenting?  Like most aspects of parenting, in order to grow and to support your child in their growth, it involves letting go.  And what can be more scary?  But it’s also the most loving thing to do for yourself and for your children.  Be the monster slaying hero by showing the people you love that while it’s important we try our best, it’s also ok to be good enough.  Because nothing could be more perfect than allowing ourselves and our children to feel loved for being who we are, just as we are!

I completely embarrassed myself in yoga today.  I actually fell over and the sound of me hitting the floor in the quiet space of class turned everyone’s heads.  But in just this humbling way, yoga is perfect for me. Letting go of my usual success oriented expectation is stretching my mind even more than the poses are stretching my body.  Allowing myself to be so bad, and doing it anyway, is actually proving to be so good for me.

I’ve tried to do yoga before, but my inadequacy was such a barrier, I always quit.  But this past year with some hip pain and some tight muscle issues, several people convinced me how beneficial it would be if I stayed with it.  So  this New Years, I vowed to give it a fair try (thanks, Rosa, for the new mat), knowing I would have to change my attitude .  I had to focus more on the process of it rather than the outcome.  I had to let go of my ego and, as Nike says, just do it.  And what I’m finding is that it’s actually really enjoyable to not expect anything other than an authentic effort. In mindfulness, as taught in Zen meditation practice, this state of being is called the beginner mind, being able to be in the moment and enjoy an experience without expectation.

A beginner’s mind involves our curiosity and wonder.  We see an experience with fresh eyes, without preconceived notions or predictions of how things should or will be.  Without expectation we can’t be frustrated or disappointed in how it did not live up to what we thought “should” be. A beginner’s mind frees us up to let things unfold as they do.  

And why is this good for me?  For one thing it ‘s nice to let go of self judgment.  I can try something and make a mistake, fall on my face, so to speak (and actually) without self criticism.  I am finding that I take more risks and enjoy myself more if my inner critic is put to bed for a while.  It also helps me be more patient with other people.  It allows me to let go of my expectations of someone else and work to see them in a new light or to be more open to their point of view or good intentions.  I also find adopting a beginner’s mind helps me to be less anxious about facing challenges.  Instead of worrying about what will happen, or projecting difficulty or failure, I can stay open to taking a first step and engaging in the task as something to learn from rather than something to get wrong.  In general, a beginner’s mindset allows me to let go of my strong need for control and to view challenge as a process to engage in rather than a reflection of something being wrong.

As you can imagine, while this sounds so pleasant, it isn’t easy.  It takes effort to evoke a beginners mindset.  Some tips from the Masters include first becoming aware of your expectations and pre-conceived ideas.  Then, allowing yourself to let them go, or at least put them aside.  Engage your curiosity and try to approach the activity with how a child would approach it.  Notice any “shoulds” that come up or feelings of shame.  Letting go of ego is a big challenge, but also a big relief.  Use your senses to help avoid your thoughts.  How does your experience feel in your body? What colors emerge or sensations do you notice around you? Engage as if you’re doing something for the very first time and awaken to each step of the process, even when doing something familiar.

It’s advised to build this ability by starting with simple things.  Eat your breakfast with a beginner’s mind, noticing every sensation of your utensils, food textures, colors, and tastes.  Or take out the garbage with a beginner’s mind, noticing the smell and the weight of the bag and your steps to the trash bin in the backyard.  By letting go of our “automatic pilot” mode or our “evaluation of success” mode, we can be present and bring to life whatever experience we are doing in a transformative way.

While there are plenty of times I need to be the expert and perform with a wise and intentional outcome in mind, it’s good to balance with some way or outlet in which to be a beginner in spirit.  I find that while I’m still not very good at yoga, I’m still going because it makes me feel good.  I would be robbed of this if I let my performance dictate my participation.  And thank goodness, the teacher doesn’t either.  No one has ever kicked me out of class or refused my entry, although they have checked in a few times to make sure I didn’t hurt myself!

Tomorrow there will be millions of people looking up to the heavens for an astronomical event so rare and unusual it won’t happen again in the contiguous United States until August of 2044.  The planets literally have to align in just the right way.  The shadow of the moon will move along a path across Mexico, the United States, and Canada.  For those lucky enough to be in the path of totality, where the moon completely blocks the sun, they will experience moments of darkness during daytime.  As this happens a collective sense of awe will also follow along this path, bringing a unique experience that some will describe as life changing.

While we feel confident that our science has fully explained the phenomena of a solar eclipse, we are now also studying the effect that this experience has on the people who witness it.  Kate Russo, a psychologist who herself has witnessed 13 eclipses, has interviewed eclipse viewers from around the world.  She notes a similar emotional response in most all of the people.  They begin with a sense of wrongness and primal fear as totality approaches when their surroundings change so rapidly.  Then as it starts, people describe a powerful awe and connection to the world around them.  A sense of euphoria develops as they continue watching, ending with a strong desire to seek out the next eclipse to feel it all over again.

Sean Goldy, at John Hopkins University, posits that an eclipse makes us think outside our normal sense of self, attuning to what’s around us.  This not only includes a connection to the physical universe, but also to the people around us.  A total solar eclipse seems to create connection, unity, and caring among the people watching.  Goldy and his fellow researchers analyzed Twitter data from nearly 2.9 million people during the 2017 total solar eclipse.  They found that people within the path of totality were more likely to use not only language that expressed awe but also language that expressed being unified and affiliated with others.  This included using more “we” words (instead of me) and more “humble” words, such as “maybe” instead of “always.”  Goldy notes the stronger the sense of awe expressed, the more likely they were to use a “we” word.  He notes, “During an eclipse, people have a broader, more collective focus.”

The scale of our “big picture” often changes during an eclipse experience.  When you zoom out – really zoom out – it shrinks away our differences.   Goldy writes, “when you sit in the shadow of a celestial rock blocking the light of a star 400 times its size that burns at 10,000 degrees on its surface, suddenly that argument with your partner or bill on the counter or even the differences among people’s beliefs, origins, or politics feel insignificant.”  Anthony Aven, author of In the Shadow of the Moon, has studied this same reaction throughout human history.  When the sun becomes a black hole in the sky, any differences with our fellow humans can feel trivial.  We are all so tiny compared to the vast occurrence happening around us.  

There is something magical about a shared experience.  Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist, referred to this as “collective effervescence” more than 100 years ago.  Author Adam Grant describes it as the feeling of energy and harmony, a Joi de Vivre, felt when people are engaging in something with one another.  As emotions are contagious, we amplify one another’s sense of awe and inspiration when we witness an eclipse together.

I think we’ve all been robbed during Covid of so many opportunities for collective effervescence.  We were forced to isolate and view one another as potential sources of disease rather than as a collected group with shared experiences.  Perhaps that’s why we’re more divided and quicker to judge and criticize?  Perhaps we need a day of Awe and Collective Attunement.  I propose a National Holiday to join together to witness the eclipse.  Free travel and hotel rooms, stadiums for viewing, and bands to dance to all together.  No Left vs Right, Dem vs Rep, Donkey vs Elephant.  Tomorrow we all are just tiny little beings sitting on a rock flying through the solar system together.  (But don’t forget your solar eclipse glasses, please…). Fingers and toes crossed for clear skies!!

Most of us are generally aware that our stomach is very sensitive to our moods and our stress.  We refer to having “butterflies in our stomach” or having a “gut feeling.”  Or when things are really bad, we describe them as “gut wrenching.”  But the extent to which the gastrointestinal system is communicating with our brain is, in fact, really astounding.  Understanding this link a little better may help us to better attune to the connection of our mental health and our physical health.

Our brains communicate with our body through various nerve systems, motor nerves for muscle movements to walk and talk, or sensory nerves to feel things like hot and cold.  But to my surprise I recently learned that more information passes between your brain and your gut than any other body system.  There are more nerve cells in your gut, in fact, than anywhere else in your body other than your brain!  Your brain and your gut are constantly communicating back and forth about everything to do with both your physical and emotional well being. 

Practically speaking, it makes sense that these two systems are so interrelated.  Our survival has always depended on getting enough nutrients and avoiding eating the wrong things that could make us sick.  An alarm system has evolved between the brain and the gut.  When you are in danger or when you are vulnerable, our emotions are signaled and our digestion is affected.  A sensitive feedback loop exists between your gastrointestinal system and your endocrine (hormonal) system and immune system  Research suggests that communication crosstalk between your brain and your gut can influence hunger and satiety, metabolism, mood, behavior, stress levels, pain sensitivity, cognitive functions and immunity.  

The enteric nervous system is the neural network that works within your gastrointestinal tract.  It has more than 500 million neurons, the most complex system outside our brain.  It’s also unique in that it operates somewhat independently from our brain and central nervous system. It can gather information about the conditions inside your GI tract, process that information locally, and generate a response without sending it back to your brain! Bacteria that live in our gut are also part of this complex connection.  Gut microbes help produce many of the chemical neurotransmitters that are the pathway of communication between your gut and brain.  Recent studies are uncovering the link that microbiomes may have in neurological, mental health, and functional gastrointestinal disorders (disorders that have many symptoms without any obvious physical cause, such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  There is a considerable overlap between people who have mental health issues such as anxiety and people who have functional gastrointestinal disorders.  

As scientists come to understand the relationship between our gut health and our mental health they are experimenting with ways to treat these disorders through gut biomes.  There is early data that indicates having a healthier diversity of microbiota in your gut may help relieve neurological, psychological, inflammatory, and emotional stress symptoms.  The use of probiotics, antibiotics, and microbiota transplantation are promising areas of research for future treatments.  

Overall, research supports the importance of mind body therapy that soothes the mind as well as the gut.  Such therapies include relaxation therapy, biofeedback, mindfulness based therapy and stress management interventions and tools.  In addition, making sure you eat a healthy diet can make a difference for your mental health.  More diversity of whole foods, emphasizing plants, in your diet leads to a more diverse gut microbiome.  Whole foods contain more fiber that supports our gut lining.  Probiotics are the live bacteria in fermented foods like yogurt and sauerkraut.  Prebiotics are the complex starches that probiotics like to eat.  Antioxidants which occur naturally in a variety of fruits and vegetables help to prevent inflammation and support good microbe functioning.   With all of this new data, researchers and medical professionals are now experimenting with a field of nutrition known as psychobiotics.  

It’s hopeful to think about a way to support our health that is natural and works with our own body’s systems.  With the power of the connections between the gut and the brain, it’s no wonder we have long been encouraged to trust our guts.  It certainly has an inside track to what we’re thinking and feeling.  Not only do we need to focus on our “wise minds” but also on our “wise guts” to lead us into healthier and more peaceful living.