It happens to a lot of us.  You tell someone you’ll have something done by a certain day, but you’re not able to do it.  Your friend e-mails to remind you, and although you mean to get back to them, you think it’s better to respond after you’ve finished what they asked for, which in your mind will surely be tomorrow.  But tomorrow comes, and the next day, and you just don’t have the time to get to it. And then comes the texts. As you read them you get irritated and more anxious. You wish you never agreed to do the favor in the first place, and resent your friend for harassing you.

Sound familiar?  This is the avoidance trap, and while people rely on it as a coping strategy, it really isn’t coping at all.  In fact, avoidance usually makes things worse and takes a toll on relationships. While it may provide relief in the short term, it’s really just  an illusion and a way of denying what’s really going on – feelings of embarrassment or fears of negative judgments, or even a fear of conflict. And these feelings tend to snowball quickly.  The more you avoid something, the bigger the feelings get around it, both for you not wanting to talk to your friend, and your friend being hurt or annoyed at you for ignoring them. And when avoiding becomes a habit, it tends to erode your self esteem.  You feel embarrassed and often get trapped in all the little lies that often accompany avoidance, such as making excuses, or promises you know you can’t keep. Research shows that avoidance actually magnifies stress as well as increases anxiety.

So when you feel the urge to avoid a phone call or a text, a request or a conversation, take this as a sign.  Ask yourself what you are really avoiding. Is it the fear that you made someone angry or disappointed? Is the project too challenging and you are afraid to ask for help or more time?  If you can identify the source of what is actually troubling you, it helps to sort out how

to approach a more active solution. Once you do, then the next step is to communicate. Often the reaction you get will be far better than you fear. People are usually much more understanding than your own critical voice inside your head and can help be a part of problem solving a solution. And besides, people prefer to know the truth of what is happening, even if it is bad news, than to be ignored!  Quite often, once you share what is going on, you both feel a sense of relief. So the next time you notice yourself hiding out, take it as a sign you need to reach out.

Some changes are tragically permanent.  This past Monday I was asked by my clinic staff to see a patient in crisis.  She had found her teenager, the morning after her high school graduation party, non-responsive in her bed.  She had died by suicide, a lethal dose of pills and alcohol. It was truly one of the most difficult sessions of my life as I tried to offer something to this mother whose life had just instantly come crashing down.  “Why,” she kept asking, or “If only I had…” she kept repeating, hoping to find some way to make sense of her horrific tragedy.  And later in the week, the entire nation is asking similar questions as we read quotes of family and friends “shocked” to learn of the deaths by suicide of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. While I certainly don’t have clear answers about why people kill themselves, I talk with people almost every day at work who think about it, either as a vague thought or a well informed plan.  So I thought I would give myself a little time to reflect on this and share some of my thoughts with you.

For most people, no one thing causes them to want to die.  It’s usually an accumulation of a number of factors that wear down their coping and resiliency.  Suicide is seen as a solution, a way of having control over what seems like an impossible situation. People with depression, especially, have very little hope and see the world as it is, and as it always will be, in a negative light.  They usually feel they’ve been a burden to the people that care about them, and that rather than understanding the pain they will cause loved ones, they truly believe that by ending their lives they are doing them a favor. For some, life has been on the edge for a while, putting them at risk for an impulsive act when something further goes wrong, like a drug or alcohol relapse, or the loss of a job or relationship. They may have what feels like unresolveable anger at themselves or the world. Most people who die by suicide don’t tell people about their pain. They are afraid to burden people, or the stigma for reaching out and asking for help is insurmountable in their opinion.  They are afraid of being met with judgment or being seen as fragile or crazy.  This leads to untreated conditions and a growing sense of isolation and despair.

As many of the articles printed this week point out, the rates of suicide are rising in our country.  Every state in our nation saw a rise in suicide rates, according to the CDC, from 1999 to 2016, with as many as 25 states as much as 30%.  In 2016, 45,000 Americans died by suicide, making it the 10th leading cause of death.

Just as there is no one cause of a person’s decision to die by suicide, there is no one answer to how to prevent or address the problem.  Research clearly shows a few possible steps, such as limiting gun access (countries that have done so have seen decreases in suicide rates) and increasing support for housing and medical treatment for pain and substance abuse.  But for each of us, personally, we need to make sure we are reaching out to one another. If we are having thoughts of harming ourselves, we need to let someone know and get help. If we know someone else is hurting, we need to let them know they are important to us and that we will support them in getting treatment and that they are not alone.  When someone is ill, financially stressed, or going through some other difficult time, we can challenge their beliefs about being a burden. While we are not responsible for other people’s choices regarding suicide, and we cannot solve their problems, we can offer perspective and comfort simply by letting them know how important they are to us, and be supportive in the process of getting treatment.  

In my line of work we address suicidal ideation with therapy that addresses risk factors, such as support for losses, financial stress, isolation, and substance abuse, and possible medication for depression.  In addition, we seek to increase what we call the protective factors, such as feeling connected to other people or interests, a sense of purpose, and plans for the future. Most often, the reasons for wanting to die can be ameliorated when a person can talk about what they are feeling and get help in finding potential solutions to what seems like insurmountable problems.  

Talking about suicide does not cause suicide, in fact, research shows the opposite.  When people at risk are able to share their thoughts, the thoughts become less powerful. If someone says something or posts something that makes you concerned, it is best to reach out and ask them directly about it.  I have never heard anyone report that they regretted asking or being asked about suicide. Quite the opposite. Both parties feel a sense of relief. And if you know someone who suffers from the pain of such a personal loss by suicide, it also helps them to reach out.  Even if you don’t know what to say, the simple act of acknowledgment is important in reducing stigma and isolation. While their pain may be overwhelming to both of you, if given the time and support, healing can occur. I can attest from personal experience that while the pain never goes away, you can learn to live with it.  While I cannot bring back the daughter of my patient, as much as I would like to, I can be a source of support and walk beside in her unexpected journey through darkness.

Here are a few resources to make you feel more prepared when reaching out.

In the US:

Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, at any time, about any type of crisis

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Outside the US:The International Association for Suicide Prevention lists a number of suicide hotlines by country.

For survivors of suicide loss:  survivingsuicideloss@afsp.org 

The Compassionate Friends at 877-969-0010.

My daughter is home from college (yay) and is going to be 20 this summer (oh my gosh).  She shared with me a conversation she was having with friends and wondered my opinion. “When did you feel like an adult?” she asked.  What a great question, I thought, and have been thinking about it ever since. Her question stirs up a lot for me, about what it means to be an adult and just how that happens.  

My first thought about burgeoning adulthood was that it was when I became financially independent, able to pay all my own bills.  But then I thought about when I became a parent. Having a child and being completely responsible for someone else really made me feel like an adult.  But then as I thought even more about it over the next few days, I realized that I truly, truly felt like an adult after my Father had passed away and my mother became ill.  It was not until I felt like I had no parents to turn to, and instead had to take care of my parent, that I really,really felt like an adult. But even with that, there are still days when I long to be taken care of and hardly feel like an adult at all.

And I know plenty of people who pay their bills, or have children, or who care for a parent that still don’t actually function like adults. In reality, there is no event that makes you an adult, rather it’s the accumulation of psychological growth secondary to  life events that brings maturity. In paying your own bills, you take responsibility for all of your actions and decisions. In having a child, you learn to put aside your own desires for the benefit of another and also learn to trust your own judgment. And then, in taking care of a parent you come to understand the existential paradox of being alone in the world, living our one and only unique life in connection with others.  Life events don’t make us adults, but they offer the opportunities for some kind of growth process.

So what is happening? I think the answer that best describes it is integration.  We all have many parts of ourselves, disparate feelings and needs, desires and identities.  When we can integrate these disparate parts of ourselves, we feel a sense of ownership and responsibility for all of them, finding compromises and balances.  We don’t have to shut out certain parts, or act one way in one area of our lives and a different way in another. We don’t have to blame others, but can accept our mistakes and weaknesses. If we are integrated, we can hold competing wishes, such as wanting to party with needing to get work done, and competing opinions, such as being angry with a partner and still wanting to be faithful to them. Integration is a process that happens over time, that steadily leads to a more and more coherent and comfortable sense of our self. Because we have more of a balance within ourselves, we have a more consistent sense of identity and function as more of a whole, reliable person.

Recently I have heard the term, “adulting”.  According to the Urban Dictionary, “Adulting (v):  to carry out more and more of the duties and responsibilities of fully developed individuals (paying off that credit card debt, settling beef without blasting social media, etc.) “  Both aspects seem right to me. One, that it’s a verb that describes a process, and, two, that it’s moving toward increasingly full development. In other words, we never stop adulting.

At work recently, we were asked to take the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator in order to explore how our leadership team interacts.  It had been a LONG time since I had taken the Myers Briggs, and I was surprised to learn that my profile had changed with time (I am now a “Defender”, an ISFJ).  It was fun to compare our profiles and make sense of how our areas of strength and vulnerabilities intersected. I was so taken by the process that I encouraged my family members to also take it.  We had some good laughs in reading our profile descriptions (a bit like horoscopes), but in fact, it helped to illuminate some of our areas of misunderstanding in a way that was non-judgmental and clarifying.  So in this weeks post, I thought I would share the link for you to take the Myers Briggs (MBTI) for free and print out your own profile, along with some background about it. I hope it will give you some self knowledge and a way to communicate more compassionately with people close to you.

The link for the test and your profile is:

16Personalities: Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship …

16personalities.com

The MBTI was constructed by Katherine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers.  It is based on ideas of personality developed by Carl Jung. It was first published in 1962, but has been updated and used in much research since that time.  It is often used in business as a way to analyze and enhance team development. It is a simple self report measure that does not measure aptitude or ability, but instead captures our preferences in how we perceive and make judgments about our world.  In scoring the MBTI, it gives you a profile based on four pairs of preferences, or dichotomies.

The four dichotomies are:

Preferred World:  Do you prefer to focus on the outer world (Extroversion) or on your own inner world (introversion)?

Information:  Do you prefer to focus on basic information you take in (Sensing) or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning (Intuition)?

Decisions:  When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency (Thinking) or first look at the people and special circumstances (Feeling).

Structure:  In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided (Judging) or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options (Perceiving)?

Based on the four preferences for each  category, you have your own personality type which is expressed as a code with four letters.  The creators explain that each of the 16 personality types is more than the sum of the parts and represents a unique way of being in the world.  Based on your preferences, you can see how certain relationships may run into misunderstandings.  For example, a person with a Commander personality profile, ENTJ, tends to focus on getting things done and naturally tends to lead.  They also tend to be a little insensitive to others along the way to their goal.  This may clash with an Advocate type, INFJ, who is extremely valuable to the team in facilitating team work, but tends to take things a little personally.  By understanding these as personality tendencies rather than taking things personally with one another,  these two co-workers can be mindful of how they interact and work more comfortably together.

So, go ahead, take the Inventory, it’s worth the 20 minutes.  Then, see how you compare to your loved ones!

Many of us have trouble saying “no”, but how about “yes”?  I recently came to realize that this can be as difficult and as important in living a meaningful life.  As I write this, I am happy to report that I am sitting at the airport headed for an adventure that might not have happened.  It took finally saying “yes” and realizing it can make the difference between living in a mindset of deprivation or abundance.

My husband travels a lot for work and for years has been encouraging me to join him on one of his trade show trips.  My first instinct was always a “no” as the idea came with the stress of it being too expensive, taking too much time, or missing out on something I needed to be home for.  But somehow this year when he mentioned he had an extended trip and invited me to join him for his weekend of open days between shows, I countered my immediate “no” reaction with a different idea – maybe!  And the fact is, when I googled flights and travel dates (ok, a big tip, flying to or from Salt Lake City on a Sunday is cheap!), it actually was quite reasonable! And now with a few computer clicks, a few arrangements to cover obligations, and the blessing of my daughter willing to spend time with friends, I am headed to Arches National Park, where I have always wanted to go!!

This got me thinking about my deprivation attitude.  I hadn’t even realized the extent of my tendency to think things are not possible and to live in the realm of fears rather than possibility.  It got me admitting to what I miss living with my head down rather than my eyes up. My immediate reaction seems to be tending to the practical, the “have tos” and the routine.  It is a defensive way of living, I must say. Everything outside of what I think is the norm is viewed with skeptical nay saying and a pit in my stomach for the stress it may cause.  But in finally saying yes to this trip, the potential pit in my stomach is now actually butterflies of excitement.

We certainly can’t always say yes, as we do live in a world of responsibilities and accountability.  But I do see how good people over time, especially, can be trapped by the fears of deviating from what is planned or expected.  My brother in law, Dan, is an Improv performer. He told me that a basic principle which makes for a good performance is “always accept an offer.”   In this way, the flow of ideas isn’t interrupted and the layers of spontaneity lead to creativity and joyous surprises.

In the real world of my life, with financial stress and an intense work schedule, the fact is I cannot accept all offers, as is true for most people.  But I can be more open to considering all offers and not living in defensive reactivity. And this can apply to many things that don’t involve spending money or gaining weight. It can be a deviation in my drive home to watch the sunset, or coffee with someone who I’ve always shared an interest with. The point for me is to think yes, first, rather than no.  Look into it, assume it is possible rather than impossible, and be open to new experiences. It does indeed involve a little rearranging and uncertainty, but the end result will be a morning hike in Moab with the man I love.

I must confess that after visiting my mother this past week in Virginia, I’ve been engaging in a bit of emotional eating. Although my brother is doing a great job taking over her care since she moved in with him after our wildfires, my mother continues to decline from her progressive neurological disease. The bittersweetness of seeing her turned into a complete craving for sweets, which rolled into a full week of self indulgent indulging. I, like so many people I hear from, was trapped in a downward spiral: eating something unhealthy, berating myself for doing it, only leading to more indulgence. Such a common trap, I know, but why do we do this to ourselves? After complaining about myself to my daughter, she pointed me in the direction of a study she had recently read that made a lot of sense to me and offered the potential for some change (thanks Sierra).

Researchers at Duke University investigated an intervention to the “go big or go home” syndrome of indulgence. Once we overeat or have something we think we shouldn’t, we figure the gate is open and let the whole herd through. We react to the stress of overeating by eating even more. Researchers focused on the negative self thoughts that occur in people who tend to further indulge, and found that having a little more self compassion could prevent the downward spiral. In one study, they had participants eat a donut followed by candy. Between the two treats, researchers reassured half the participants that everyone eats unhealthy form time to time, while the other half received no such encouragement. When it came time for the candy, the half of participants who were encouraged to be self-compassionate actually exercised more self control over their subsequent eating habits. With self kindness, the stress of negative self judgment was reduced, allowing them to make healthier choices. Self compassion keeps small indulgences in perspective.

The Duke researchers went on to complete a series of experiments related to self compassion. In each case, those who scored higher on a scale of self compassion reacted in ways that suggested self compassion was a significant buffer to negative emotions that influenced people to underestimate their coping or performance. Their conclusion, “In general, these studies suggest that self compassion attenuates people’s reactions to negative events in ways that are beneficial…Self compassion leads people to acknowledge their role in negative events without feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions.”

I appreciate the conclusion of these researchers in recognizing that self compassion was not a way of sugarcoating (pardon the pun) overeating or letting go of self accountability. I often hear people (and I do it to) fear and confuse self compassion as an excuse or blind permission that would lead to being out of control. Instead, self compassion served a role of keeping people’s reactions in perspective, actually increasing their ability to exercise choice. So the next time I find myself with a fork in the pie tin (just might be tonight), I’m going to give self compassion a little try! Paradoxically, allowing myself a little slice just may keep me from eating the rest of the pie.

Spring is in full bloom in Northern California.  In fact, the early blossoms have already dusted the lawns with white and pink petals, and daffodils have risen and crested in their splendor.  But now, what I notice most as I make my way up our hill is the blackened trees sprouting new growth in the first April after the wildfires. Their split presence catches my breath as I see the duality of trauma and recovery.

So many of the trees look like fused halves of a once mighty whole.  One side is the budding green hues of life returning, moist and supple.  The other half is the lifeless brown, dull, shriveled leaves, which cling to their branches as if to remind us all of what the tree still endures.  They speak to me, these survivors, as I witness their efforts to go on. There is no hiding the pain, the damage, the broken hallowed out limbs that split off and hang down.  The scarring is as permanent as the new growth is fresh. Their efforts inspire me, yet there is no guarantee. I hope there was enough rain this winter, I hope the roots have enough of a system within the trunks to spread the needed nutrients.  Each tree has its own struggle to survive and its own path to recovery. Many of our trees have already been severely trimmed or even dissected, returning to earth that will one day host a seed.

In Japan, Kintsukoroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixes with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.  The pottery, with its metallic striping, is considered to be stronger and more beautiful than it was before. Kintsukuroi is a way of living that embraces our flaws and imperfections. Every crack, every scar, every blemish is a part of the history that makes something even more valuable.

Our community is as cracked and split as the trees that scatter our hillsides or as a broken piece of pottery.  We share our stories, we shed tears, and we support one another in the process of regaining our strength and wholeness.  Like the trees, we have our deadened limbs, the memories of the life we will never have again as we once lived it. But we also have our regrowth; the green buds that seek to reach out to the sun and the air for survival.  In time, I do believe that we will come to see the split whole of each of us as stronger and more beautiful than we were before. Though imperfect, the cracks within us are our unique story of revival.

I had a relative who used to say, “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” This phrase always made me sad when I heard him say it, and to be honest, a little angry.  As a young person, I thought it was cynical and gave the message that we shouldn’t bother to try. As an adult, I see the protective factor that underlies this philosophy, and although many people may not say the exact phrase, I have come to see how people embrace this style of being in the world as a defense. So, in this weeks post, I am writing in support of disappointments with the hope if we can embrace them, or at least learn to tolerate them, we become freed up to also embrace our expectations.

It’s so common that we are afraid to tell people about our hopes or what we are striving for.  It’s as if there is shame in reaching for something that is beyond what we think is possible. We have such an emphasis on success in our culture, that it makes people feel ashamed or embarrassed to try for something and not make it.  I so often hear people say, “Oh I don’t want people to know I applied for that position, in case I don’t get it,” or “I don’t want people to know I am trying to quit smoking, because then I will look like such a loser if I slip.” What a lonely way to be in the world, and what a judgmental place as well!

Expectations are important to have for ourselves and for our relationships.  They set standards of what is appropriate and for what we would like to have happen.  Within ourselves, expectations help us set goals, and reach for what could be a better life.  Within relationships, expectations create boundaries for how we want to be treated and for what we find acceptable.  High expectations can lead to higher achievement and higher self esteem.

Where we get into trouble with expectations is when they are too rigid.  We need to have flexibility to tolerate not always reaching the mark. People will not always live up to our hopes for them, and we ourselves, will fall short.  Knowing how to handle this gives us strength to risk a dissapointment. Every disappointment involves a little bit of a grieving process. We have to mourn what we had hoped for, and accept the reality of what will not be.  

But this grieving process is like building up endurance.  The more we go through it, the better we become at it. The first time I sent in a writing piece, it felt like the world, or at least my world, was at stake.  To be rejected meant that I was a terrible writer, and that I would never have any success. But in learning to handle the rejection with perspective, I am learning to embrace disappointments as part of the journey of striving for something more.  Be sad, even shed a tear, then learn what you can, and move on.

“Expecting nothing, “ as my relative endorsed, seems to me now as the surest way to be disappointed.  For when it is all said and done, living without risk or heart break may actually lead to a very disappointing life in the long run.

A lot has been written about the benefits of identifying your values and sorting through which are most important to you.  Then, by matching your daily life to be more in line with these values, you are able to live a more fulfilled and authentically happy life.  And while I strongly agree with this process, and have written about it quite a few times myself in past posts, this week I have been thinking about how “living our values” can sometimes go wrong.

It happens on a fairly regular basis in sessions with passionate and loving people that I am working with. We are talking about their values, and, as is most often the case, how these values conflict, requiring us to sort through to clarify their priorities in a given situation. And while reflecting on competing values, there seems to be a value that stands out from the others.  It comes out in statements like, “I could never miss a day, because I must always be reliable” or “My son needs to do what I say, because respect is the most important thing to me.”  While seeming to be a value, there is a rigidity to these statements that often sends a red flag that these prioroties may not be as they seem.  They have an intensity to them and a quality of judgment that stands out, triggering strong emotions and reactivity. You can think of these values as “bully values,” ones that push around our other values and seem to limit our ability to see the benefits of compromise.

When I stop to explore the energy behind what I suspect may be a bully value, what we often find is a need, a fear, or a wounding of some kind that is playing out with moral authority.  The intensity or rigidity to the “value” is an attempt to control ourselves or our environment to protect us from some fear or pain.  For example, it might be a good idea to miss a day of work for your own well being.  But the fear of being lazy or letting others down may make it impossible for you to give yourself a day off, allowing a harsh self judgement to hide as the value of reliability.  Or it may serve your relationship with your son to allow him to vent frustration, but because you were severely criticized by your own father and never felt respected, you are triggered by this past dynamic and demand that he show you respect.  You may find yourself  spending too much energy “correcting” how your child speaks to you rather than nurturing understanding with him.

Self judgments can be the most powerful value bullies.  They have a way of eating at our self worth and setting up demands that create imbalance in our lives.  The bully within can do more to harm us than anyone around us.  So stand up to this bully and any other bully value that is pushing you and your other values around.  When you find yourself with any statement that has a “should” or a “never” or “always,” beware.  There just might be an old or fearful part of yourself that is after more than your lunch money!

Let’s be honest, there is a lot to be angry about. You can be angry at politicians, people who hurt you, the world, family, friends, strangers, co-workers, bosses, God, and even yourself.  Anger itself is not bad or wrong, but it often gets a bad wrap.  People confuse feelings of anger for how people display anger.  Distinguishing between destructive and constructive ways of expressing our anger is a really important skill in taking care of ourselves.

When used in a constructive way, anger can help you heal from trauma and loss, help you be honest with others, and to face pain you may need to deal with.  Anger is destructive when it is used to act out against yourself or others, to give up, or to become bitter. Learning to harness your anger and understand it can feel powerful.  We can harness the energy of anger to take action in the world in order to make things right.

The first important step in developing constructive anger habits is to think of anger as a messenger.  Behind all anger is an unmet need.  Anger is a signal that something is wrong.  It may mean you are not taking care of yourself, that you have sadness to work through, or that something is happening in a relationship or from an event that feels unfair or unjust.  Anger is often a signal of something not being right.  If we ignore it, it can build up, and then come out in a way that is an overreaction to what is actually happening in a moment or we can stuff it down and seethe, eating ourselves up or turning it against ourselves.

An old style view that still persists is that anger needs to be vented.  The solution to anger was to “get it out”.  Research has shown, however, that acts of venting or catharsis actually increased people’s anger, resolving nothing that mattered to change a situation.  People also confuse angry outbursts as effective because people respond to it.  You may get results in the short term when you yell and scream, and you may feel powerful in the moment, but in the longer term it tends to erode and weaken relationships when you are experienced as out of control.  People tend to do and say things they regret, which can never be undone.

Constructive anger can be learned, which is the good news.  The key is listening to your anger as a messenger.  This may mean learning to tolerate the discomfort of the feelings you have when you’re angry.  Rather than actively discharging them, it helps to try to understand your anger and what it is telling you is wrong.  Once you identify what is the source, or the unmet need, then you are really powerful.  You can choose what to do and say about what is happening.  In addition, you can think through another person’s perspective.  Destructive anger tends to be judgemental and selfish.  It is demanding that someone take care of us or put our needs first. Constructive anger recognizes that other people have a point of view, and that we need to clarify a misunderstanding or work through a solution in a mutual way.

I have had the honor of running Anger Management groups for men.  What really struck me was how powerless many of these people felt.  The anger outbursts were reactions to feeling hurt or threatened in some way, and a fight flight response was all that they knew.  It was a really rewarding process to help these men and many made profound changes.  The first step was the hardest, though.  First, they needed to give themselves permission to have needs and to learn how to identify what they were.  Once they were able to take this step, the next step was allowing themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for what they needed.  It was often so touching to see the results of this new skill:  “If you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need!”