I must confess I am confused by people who procrastinate.  And if I am really honest, when these people are close to me, I am down right annoyed at times.  So to gain understanding and to hopefully be more supportive, I did a little reading about the psychology of procrastination.  It turns out that while most people procrastinate now and then, about 20% of people procrastinate in a habitual manner that has real consequences on mental health, not just on productivity.  So in this weeks post, I’ll touch on some of the research on procrastination and some tools that might help us all.

Most research on the mechanisms of procrastination have focused on the thought patterns associated with procrastination.  Ferrari, Johnson, and McCown identified what is known in Cognitive Behavioral Psychology as the major “cognitive distortions” (errors in thinking) that lead to procrastination:  overestimating how much time you have left to perform a task overestimating how motivated you will be in the future (assuming you’ll be more motivated at some future point); underestimating how long certain activities will take to complete; and mistakenly assuming that they need to be in the right frame of mind to work on a task.

But to  be honest, in my work and life experience with people who have trouble with procrastination, it doesn’t just seem like an error in thinking.  Every time it happens they would analyze the situation, come up with a conclusion, such as “I need to start earlier,” or “I need to map out the project so I won’t underestimate it,” but don’t seem able to change their pattern despite their determination.  In fact, they really suffer from the frustration with themselves and their broken promises when they fail to make what appeared to be simple habit changes. It seems like something else is going on.

Indeed, the researchers at Carleton University in Ottawa conclude that rather than being just a thought problem, procrastination is more of an emotional regulation problem.  In a recent study, Dr. Pychal and Dr. Sirios report that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short term mood repair…over the longer term pursuit of intended action.”  In other words, the need to avoid the emotions (anxiety, perfectionism, self doubt, etc.) that come with a task takes precedence over the need to complete the task. Mix this with a few rationalizations such as “I will have more energy later” and voila, you immediately feel better.

Studies have supported this hypothesis when comparing short and long term consequences.  For example, looking at students over a semester, procrastinators reported less illness and lower stress levels at the beginning of a semester.  However, by the end of the semester, this had changed dramatically wherein procrastinators had the highest levels of stress and illness. In addition, high procrastinators tend to experience problems in relationships.  By putting things off, the burden can be shifted to other people who depend on you, such as family, friends or co-workers. They can grow resentful and this creates a negative feedback loop to undermine your self esteem.

Imposed deadlines force the procrastinator to put aside the thoughts and feelings that paralyze them, as they reach the point of just having to get it done.  Unfortunately, research also shows the outcomes are not as good as if they had taken their time to put in their best effort. Ironically, many people who procrastinate are perfectionists.  The anxiety and pressure they feel in sitting down to write a paper, for example, is so overwhelming, they delay and distract from it. Then, with a fast approaching deadline, they are forced to just do it, as Nike would say.  And procrastinators have described that it helps their self esteem to think their performance problems might be a time management problem rather than having put in their best effort and come up short.

The hardest step in managing your procrastination tendency is to recognize when you are doing it, as procrastinators tend to avoid the pain of their procrastination by not thinking about that as well.  Experts in overcoming procrastination have certain suggestions. First, make an honest to do list, meaning making a list of all the things that need to get done and when they are due. Prioritize the most important tasks factoring in due dates and size of projects.  Then focus on the task that seems to have the most priority or that you have avoided the most. Ask yourself in a supportive, honest, and curious way about the emotions that emerge regarding the task – what are the fears, worries, self doubts that are unpleasant and make you want to avoid the tasks?  If these feelings are unmanageable, ask for help from someone you trust. Getting reassurance by talking out your emotions can be very helpful in moving you forward. Perhaps you can meet again with this person to check in on your progress?

Forgiving yourself for past procrastination is also important.  By thinking of procrastination as an emotional regulation problem, rather than a moral or personality flaw, you can work through the emotions that get in the way.  Studies show that increasing self forgiveness on a task reduced the negative emotions on a future task and reduced procrastination. And finally, give yourself a reward.  As in most learning scenarios, praise and rewards work much better than criticism and punishment. So pat yourself on the back, buy yourself a smoothie for a well deserved break, and chart out your accomplishments along the way.  Breaking tasks down into smaller pieces helps reduce overwhelm, and gives that many more opportunities for that amazing feeling of crossing something off the to do list.

“I can’t just stop eating.  I need to eat!” That is the common frustration of people struggling to curb overeating habits.  And it is true. With many behaviors that we decide aren’t good for us, such as smoking, drinking, or being in a destructive relationship, you can give it up.  But with food, we can’t just quit it. We have to battle with temptations daily and constantly be exercising moderation, which is wearing on our good intentions.  So knowing when our eating issues cross over into addiction can be helpful, and applying some of what works for other addictions can be a valuable approach.

Food addiction involves the same areas of your brain as drug addiction. The same neurotransmitters are also involved (serotonin and dopamine) and many of the symptoms are identical.  Processed foods have a powerful effect on the reward centers of our brains. Experiments in animals and humans show that that reward centers are activated by food, especially foods rich in sugar, fat, and salt, in a similar manner to the brain’s response to cocaine and heroin.  Once people experience pleasure associated with increased dopamine transmission in the brain’s reward pathway, they quickly feel the need to eat again. In short, food addiction is not caused by a lack of willpower, but results from complex biochemistry of the brain. Neural systems that evolved to motivate and reinforce foraging and food intake for survival become problematic when high calorie foods are so readily available in our own pantries.

There is no blood test to determine if you have a food addiction, it is based on the following symptom clusters:  You frequently get cravings for certain foods, despite feeling full and having just finished a nutritious meal; when you start eating foods you crave, you often find yourself eating much more than intended;  when you eat a craved food, you sometimes eat to the point of feeling excessively full; you often feel guilty after eating particular foods, yet find yourself eating them again soon after; you have repeatedly, but unsuccessfully, tried to quit eating certain foods or set rules for them;  you often hide your consumption of unhealthy foods from others; you feel unable to control you consumption of unhealthy foods, despite knowing that they cause you physical harm including weight gain, diabetes, etc

The symptoms and thought processes associated with food addiction are similar to any drug addiction. It’s just a different type of substance and the social consequences may be less severe.  Food addiction can cause physical harm and lead to serious diseases like obesity and type 2 diabetes.  In addition, it may negatively impact your self-esteem and self-image, making you unhappy with your body. As with other addictions, food addiction may take an emotional toll and increase your risk of premature death.

If your eating habits are causing you harm, either in physical or psychological ways, there are some steps that you can take.  While it is true, you cannot stop eating, you can identify foods that lead to overeating and decide to eliminate these foods from your diet all together.  This may be difficult at first, especially in social situations, but it can break the cycle of addictive eating, guilt, and relapse. When avoiding certain foods, it helps to focus your attention on what you can eat.  Make meal plans of nutritious food you do like and identify fast food places that offer healthy options when you are not in the mood to cook. The less you have to think about what to eat, the less you will leave room for addictive cravings to creep in.  Research also shows that it is best to hold off on weight loss goals until you have your food addictive behavior under control, that drinking more water helps decrease cravings and appetite, and that eating more protein also reduces food cravings.

Like any addiction, your brain will crave what lights it up.  Learning to handle a craving without engaging in the behavior will take a lot of work at first, but in time your confidence in overcoming a craving will increase, taking away the craving’s power over you.  Triggers can also be times of day (often in the evenings), certain emotions (loneliness), certain places (fast food restaurant), certain people (a parent), or even a memory or thought (self judgment). Make a list of possible activities that you will do when you get a craving.  Make sure you eat three healthy meals on the day you begin your new plan, and use your trigger plans whenever you want to snack outside of meals. Reassure yourself that you have eaten adequately and nurtured yourself with good food. Your craving is a sign of needing other nurturing.  Learning to slow down your eating and eating”mindfully” is also proven to help with eating issues. By tuning into our bodies and our minds, we can better identify our true hunger versus a need for psychological soothing.

Like any addiction, it is not unusual to relapse and lose control over your eating.  Try your best not to get lost in a negative cycle, but to get back on track as quickly as possible.  Know that you are not alone. Finding some kind of a support group is really helpful and is often a key to success for those who engage in it.  Remember that our body chemistry did not evolve for the abundance we currently live in. As Kimberly Steele, a researcher at Johns Hopkins writes, “broccoli and oatmeal do not get us fat.” She notes a direct relationship between the availability of high sugar and fat processed foods and our nation’s obesity rates. So it is our habits and environment that we need to adapt.   As with any addictive substance, freeing yourself from its power over you can have a transformative effect on many levels. Developing a healthy relationship to food can bring back the pleasure in eating.

This week I felt the need to share with you the words of a well known and well respected man who recently shared with the world about his depression.  His talents at writing and expressing his experience truly touched me and I think express for many people the difficulty when our minds have thoughts that can’t be trusted.  Most all of us have experienced at some point in our lives depression or anxiety at such a level that we are, as he says, “not in our right mind.” With the help of other’s love and guidance, we need to fight through and challenge these thoughts, clinging to the reality of our self worth and true value.  

Michael Gerson is a political columnist for the Washington Post, a former Presidential speech writer, and a regular contributor to many national news shows.  He was invited to give a sermon at the Washington National Cathedral in which he decided to help reduce the stigma surrounding depression and talk openly about it. He introduces the topic:  “Like nearly one in ten Americans – and like many of you – I live with this insidious, chronic disease. Depression is a malfunction in the instrument we use to determine reality. The brain experiences a chemical imbalance and wraps a narrative around it. So the lack of serotonin, in the mind’s alchemy, becomes something like, “Everybody hates me.” Over time, despair can grow inside you like a tumor.”

In my own experience and with many of the people I work with, the identification of depression as altering one’s view of reality is so important.  When we are gripped by depression and anxiety, our mind’s take over with a dark cloud or fear that colors the world we see. It is like a lens through which we interpret the world is placed before our eyes.  The problem is, we do not know what to trust. Our very own minds try to convince us that we need to act on our thoughts or fears. Studies show that these distortions in thinking are caused by biological changes as well as defense mechanisms meant to help us control or protect ourselves.  By seeing fear or rejection that is not there, we are driven to withdraw or work harder in ways that serve as desperate attempts at lessening some threat.

Michael Gerson shares some of his journal entries at the times he was most depressed.  Despite being a successful man, one of a few with a column in a National paper, he truly feels like a failure and a dissapointment.  When reading them in his right mind, he can see that they are “just lies,” but at the time he writes them he believes they are true. He reflects:   And it seems, particularly when you’re isolated, it can be very dangerous, because all you have then is this — these thoughts in your own head, these ruminations in your own head. And it really takes other people to try to break into that and say, this is wrong. This is not true. What you’re thinking is not correct.

So please, if you are gripped by thoughts of failure or worthlessness, don’t believe it.  I know this is easy to say, and not to do, but stay open to the notion that you are not in your right mind. Take a moment before you discount the opinions of others who love you and respect you.  Entertain the idea that they, perhaps better than you, are a good judge of your character. Not being able to trust your own perceptions is truly an uncomfortable and vulnerable way of being. Yet, as Michael Gerson explains it, you need to listen to someone who has the courage to say to you:  “You’re, in fact, much too hard on yourself. You’re living in a kind of small little world of your own creation. And you need to come out of it.”

“I’m having a quarter life crisis, mom,” my daughter, a Junior in college, said to me.  “A what?” I replied. “A quarter life-crisis,” she affirmed. “I looked it up. It’s a thing.”  Sure enough, according to Wkipedia’s definition, a quarter-life crisis is a “crisis involving anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life” which can happen as early as age 18 and last into the 20’s.  John Mayer even had a song about it, concerned the choices he was making weren’t leading to the fulfillment he expected.

It might be a quarter life crisis/ Or just the stirring in my soul/
Either way I wonder sometimes/ About the outcome/Of a still verdictless life/
Am I living it right?/Am I living it right?/Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?
John Mayer, Georgia

As I talked to her about it and considered how to respond, comparing the idea of a quarter-life crisis to a mid-life crisis, and the idea of any type of life crisis at all, it occurred to me that perhaps having this type of crisis at a young age may be a good thing.  When we have a life crisis, commonly around a big birthday or life event, it gets us to question our values and our choices. Wondering if how you are living is truly in line with the values you have is a great thing. The problem, however, with any life crisis is when we focus too heavily on expectations and not values.  When a crisis leads to despair, it’s often because we’re evaluating life not from our own values, but from societal expectations. Feeling like you haven’t achieved enough, made enough money, had enough success as defined by others is the root of a lot of unnecessary pain and an empty search for happiness.

In general, having a plan and meaningful expectations is a good thing.  It gives us direction and purpose. However, in looking back on my life and in hearing the stories of so many people I work with, often the very best things that happen in life were not planned and we could never have predicted.  If you had asked me at age 21 where my life would be now, I would never have predicted I would be living where I am, doing what I am doing, married to the man I am married to – and these are the very things that make me happy now.

A friend of mine shared a quote with me that feels so appropriate for this blog post: Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Thinking about this quote helps me respond to my beloved daughter around her anxiety that she “isn’t where she thought she would be at this point” in her life.  Maybe this crisis is a wonderful opportunity to learn early on that life will most often not go as you plan or expect. But along the way, she’ll find many more wonderful things she never could have even imagined!  If we are too busy looking straight ahead down the road, we’ll miss the side roads that lead to beautiful places. Taking the time, whether you are at quarter-life, mid-life or later-life, to “un-become,” shedding expectations, leaves us living within our own unique values and appreciating what we have right in front or even to the side of us.  Not that this shedding doesn’t come with pain, and often disappointment and anxiety, when things don’t work out as we had hoped at the time. But what leads to authentic happiness is having the resilience in staying the course of what matters most and being open to the unchartered course that may lead to an even better destination.

The more we can unbecome, the more likely it’ll be that over the long term we’ll be living life in line with our values, inoculating us from the kind of regrets that cause life despair.  We won’t end up at the “wrong” place if we are taking the right journey all along the way.

I attended a training on coaching people for change (thank you my Health Education Department at Kaiser) and I learned a relatively quick and easy tool for making changes.  I have tested it out a few times and found it to be helpful, especially with people who feel stuck with something they have intended to do, but haven’t quite put into action.  So if you have any New Year’s Resolutions that have already fallen by the wayside, perhaps you might like to give this technique of Focus Mapping a try.

Focus Mapping was developed by Stanford researcher BJ Fogg, who describes himself as an expert at “behavior design and persuasive technology.”  Very Silicon Valley, don’t you think? Despite its branding, this particular tool only requires a white board and some post it notes, or you can simply do it on a piece of paper.  

The first step is to think about the change you want to make.  Let’s say for example, just a random idea out of thin air, you sit a lot at work and are kind of lazy when you finish your day at a Health Center.  You’ve been intending to get more exercise, as there are days your activity tracker wonders if you’re still alive, but you haven’t been successful.  So you take your white board (or paper) and write “Most Effective” at the top and “Least Effective” at the bottom.  Then you mark “Less Likely” on the left hand side and “Most Likely” on the right side.  Now is where the exciting part comes in.  Begin to brainstorm ideas that might help you reach your goal.  Don’t judge or evaluate them, just try to come up with some creative ideas that would be steps that would help you move toward your goal.  Write each idea on one post-it note. For example, one post-it might say “pack your bag with sneakers and work out clothes the night before”.  Another might say “park your car in the far parking lot.” Try to come up with as many ideas as you can.

Once you have a pile of post-it notes, evaluate each idea on the axis of your whiteboard and stick it on.  So if the idea is “run in the morning before work,” you would ask yourself how effective this would be. Highly effective, you think.  Then ask how likely is this? Now the hard part is to be as honest with yourself as possible. While the idea sounds great, and you would love to be the kind of person with that motivation and drive, the truth is, it is not an idea that is likely to happen.  So place the post-it in the top left corner of the whiteboard, in the highly effective, but not likely category. Now go through each of your ideas and place it on the board. Once you finish it will look something like this:

Focus mapping now has identified several steps that are good places to start as a way to break through stuckness – the post-its in the “more likely and more effective” quadrant. These are behaviors that  have been vetted for changes that are likely to be effective, but most importantly, as likely to be completed. Focus mapping is also a good way to learn about yourself, as it helps explain why you might have been stuck.  For example, if your plan was to run in the morning, you will feel like a failure each day you don’t complete your plan, and give up. With your honesty, you can either change your plan, and decide that running in the morning as an idea just isn’t a good choice and choose something else to meet your overall goal, or it may motivate you to make it happen and you can break that change down into smaller steps, such as starting out by walking the block before breakfast.

As a tool, focus mapping is relatively easy, but it can generate a lot of good ideas and clarify where you are with a particular change.  You can use it for everything from drinking more water to getting a new job. The key, and this is the hardest part for most of us, is being honest with yourself about what you are and are not likely to do.  Try to be non-judgmental, as the goal of the entire activity is to pave the way toward change.  Focusing in on small steps, but ones you will actually do, will be bring bigger results in the long run!

Sitting on my shelf next to a prayer book I was given when I had my Bat Mitzvah (an ancient text for sure), is a little volume of poetry entitled Red Bird.  I pull it out when I am in need of a prayer more often than the prayer book, I must confess.  Her words about nature, love, loss, and awe, inspired not only me, but millions of her fans. Mary Oliver died this past Thursday at the age of 83.  As the rain falls outside my window this Friday morning, I am moved to reflect on her call to nature as a path to healing.

Just pay attention, then patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate.
It doesn’t have to be blue iris, it can be weed in a vacant lot. This isn’t a contest but the doorway into thanks.  
A silence in which another voice may speak.   

Mary Oliver  grew up in rural Ohio.  She endured sexual abuse and described her family as dysfunctional.  She took refuge in the neighboring fields and forests. Later in life, she moved to Provincetown, MA, where she lived for many years, finding inspiration for her poems simply in walks with her dog.  In quietly observing the life around her, her poems were a path from imagery to spirit.

Attention is the beginning of devotion.

What has always moved me personally about Mary Oliver’s words were the expression of passion and celebration of love and life, even in its pain.  I found her work comforting and her poems served as a challenge for me to look outside myself in times I was pulling inward. A cricket or a tree could be her great companion.  A master at simple imagery she created deceptively rich reflections. Nature was her great companion and she sought to inspire others to embrace its refuge. She was like a spiritual guide to snap me out of my inner neurotic obsession, befriending me with the great awe of the world.

What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
And the present is what your life is,.
And you are capable 
Of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.
So come to the pond,
or the river of your own imagination,
or the harbor of your longing,
And put your lips to the world.
And live
Your life.

Mary Oliver was a great teacher to many and she will be missed.  If you have never read any of her works, I am grateful for the chance to bring her to your attention.  May her memory be for a blessing. And may her memory be for an awakened encounter with a raindrop…or a bird’s call…or whatever is right in front of us.

When it’s over, I want to say:  all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

And lastly, one of my personal favorites:

Watching A Documentary about Polar Bears Trying To Survive on The Melting Ice Flows
That God had a plan, I do not doubt. But what if His plan was, that we would do better?

After a season of indulging, combined with the fresh start of a New Year, its natural that we’re drawn to making resolutions.  Feeling lazy and bloated, it feels good to make a firm proclamation toward a specific result. But the fact that only 8% of people will actually achieve their New Year’s resolution, I am thinking this year may be a good time to reinvent my hope of a fresh start with a more flexible, balanced approach.  So this year instead of a resolution, I am shifting to the mindlfulness based practice of setting an intention.

In order to make any sustained change, we need both determination and patience.  If we are too harsh and strict, a slip up may throw us off track and lead us to resign in failure.  If we are too lenient toward our change, we let ourselves off the hook, most likely as a fear of failure.  So to be successful, a change plan must find the sweet spot balancing effort and patience. It must offer motivation and direction, but allow for growth and regrouping.  In mindfulness practice, there is the concept of setting an intention. In Latin, “intention” comes from “intendere” meaning “to turn one’s attention toward.” Our first step toward any goal is to direct our awareness in a deliberate way.  By setting an intention, we become increasingly mindful with a non-judgmental curiosity.

Intentions allow for an overarching goal with flexible execution.  They allow us to identify areas of growth, summon courage and energy for change, but in a manner of compassion and kindness to ourselves.  Intentions invite us to view our change in broader and more meaningful ways. For example, it’s common to set a resolution to lose 10 pounds.  In doing so, we become focused on the outcome on the scale and tend to ignore the process. Studies tend to show a common paradox of this approach.  The more we focus on results, the less likely we are to achieve them. Instead, research supports a more process oriented approach, such as setting an intention for better health.  In this way, we think in a broad sense of all the steps we can take, such as our diet, exercise, and other habits, that lead to success. In her mindfulness teachings, Sarah Rudell Beach writes, “the focus of our resolution should be the process – the infinite present moments in which transformation will occur – rather than the single instance of its attainment.”

Intentions involve a constant feedback loop of awareness.  They involve a beginning again that keeps us fresh and refocused.  When we fall short in our process, we can gently bring our awareness back to our intention and begin again.  And really, the best way to achieve a resolution is to bring awareness to a behavior, recognize where we drift, and begin again. By viewing our change through a  process of intention, however, rather than a set resolution, we can make our transformation with an attitude of compassion and joy rather than judgment. Intentions lend themselves to renewal…each day, each minute, each breath.

Because change happens in layers, we tend to notice only the big changes, the ones that bring us celebrations or sorrows.  Yet, while all of this is happening, the very world around us is changing and the very body and psyches we inhabit are changing, too.   Time is moving forward in its tireless quietness, changing the very climate we live in, politics we engage in, and body parts we live through.  Our very perspectives change with each passing day, with maturing mindsets and the effects of experience. We can never live through something twice, as the very context in which an event can happen has changed.  My second daughter going off to college this next Fall, for example, is a very familiar event, yet, I am so different going through it, as well as my family being different since our first daughter left. We are wiser, more experienced, and yet, it will be completely new with the emptying of our nest.

One of the traditions I really enjoy this time of year are holiday cards, particularly the ones with the family photos.  It seems like such a great way to sum up the year, capturing in a snapshot what has changed and what has stayed the same.  New family members are added, with births and weddings, and some people are lost, with divorces and deaths. Kids are taller, older people shorter, and the hairstyles and fashions ever evolve.  These recorded images encapsulate for me the bittersweetness of the New Year, the saying goodbye to the old and the ringing in of the new. It may be happening slowly across the years or very suddenly, but everything is changing.

Even our change changes over time.  This January will be the 25th anniversary of my sister’s death. There are days that it feels like it just happened, despite a quarter of a century.  I can remember her face, the sound of her voice, the familiar feeling of sisterly rivalry or supportive praise. Yet, in just a year or so, she will have been gone longer than she was with me.  I wonder what her life would have been like, what she would have thought of my girls, my home, my friends and wonder if we still would have had the same squabbles we did, all those years ago. Yet, my attitudes have softened and my pain has shifted.  Our differences seem trivial and even my own stories of her have been shaped by the years of retelling. She is still 33, still and forever more. The truth is, I am now the older one.

I have heard it said that “Father Time always wins.”  I’d like to think that I have a less adversarial relationship  with the man. Because time also heals, renews, and gives us something to work toward and look forward to.  But most of all for me, it brings perspective and gratitude. With every day that passes, I may have more gray hair, but I also have more appreciation for the meaningful things in life that turned them gray!

When you look at the picture to the left, what do you see?  Is it a duck or a rabbit? Can you see both?  This illusion was  created by Joseph Jastrow, an American psychologist who was studying perception.  Would you be surprised to know that he found more people see a duck when tested in October, but a rabbit when tested close to Easter?

This type of experiment is one of many that researchers use to study how people form opinions and make judgments.  As scientists have learned more about complex mental functioning, it has helped us understand how our brains gather and then interpret information. According to Lisa Feldman Barrett, a researcher at Northwestern University, the brain is an “inference generating organ.” It is constantly filling in information to make sense out of ambiguous sensory input.  We are exposed to simply too much sensory information for the brain to process, so it uses predictions as a way of organizing information. In other words, if it is Easter, you are primed to see a rabbit, and so that it was what you will see.

In life, when interpreting ambiguous information, most of us are primed to see things in a way that is consistent with what we know or habitually think. This is known as “cognitive dissonance,” first posited by Leon Festinger. He observed that people will “cognize and interpret information to fit what they already believe.”  And further studies show the power of this can be very strong. That even when faced with contradicting information, we will hold on to a perception that is comfortably consistent with what we already believe, even if it means slightly distorting the new information or altering our memories.  And we do so without even realizing it! As Barrett writes,  if “the sensory information that comes in does not meet your prediction, you either change your prediction-or you change the the sensory information you receive.” Beliefs act like a lens, focusing our perceptions and our memories toward what we already believe.

So what does this have to do with getting along with my Uncle Fred this holiday, you may be asking?  I hope it will give you some understanding of how you can watch the same football game and one of you will be convinced that the NY Giants receiver was robbed of a touchdown by what should have been a penalty, and the other will be sure that the Dallas defender did a great job in coverage.  Or have greater tolerance for when you hear the latest news regarding the Mueller investigation, climate change research, or Supreme Court decisions and have completely different interpretations as another family member. It is not “just about the facts, ma’am.” It has to do with the way our brains are perceiving these facts.

So save yourself some frustration and energy this holiday.  Don’t waste your time and spirit trying to show Uncle Fred the slow motion rerun of the football play.  Don’t think that if you can just present the right argument or if Grandma could just be shown the “facts,” that she will see the light. And forget trying to convince your brother how Mom took his side in every argument.  The best way to get along in the short term is to agree to disagree. Because the truth is, as author Tom Vanderbilt explains, we all see the duck or the rabbit we knew was there.

While we’re still digesting turkey and pie, the world quickly shifts to Christmas (although it’s been Christmas at Costco since Halloween.)  And with the way the lunar calendar falls out, Hanukah is practically here, the first night being December 2nd! With wildfires and hurricanes and political fall out, there is a darkness that hangs over this season, possibly for you, but most assuredly for someone you love.  It can be a lonely time for people, and compounding it, people who care may hold back from reaching out, simply out of discomfort of not knowing what to say or what to do. In thinking about this, I found a great resource to help us all stay connected and supportive this season.

#OptionBThere is a website that offers tips and support for people going through loss or hard times and for the people that care about them during the holidays.  It is a timely edition of the larger OptionB, which is a website based on the book written by Sheryl Sandberg (of Facebook) and her experience of losing her husband suddenly.  Worried about raising a son alone, she consulted experts about how to build resilience after tragedy. From the book, she began the website that offers guidance and ways to connect with others. They have literally hundreds of articles and support group options for everything from grief and loss, incarceration, divorce and separation, health and injury, abuse and sexual assault, and LGBQT facing rejection.  

One of the best gifts you can give this holiday season is to be there for friends and loved ones who are separated from family, coping with loss, or going through other challenges. Small gestures of love and support—from heartfelt cards to thoughtful conversations—go a long way.  #OptionBThere

Some good tips from #OptionBThere include offering practical help to someone, including grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, or helping them manage purchasing gifts.  They also have ways to greet someone with sensitivity and words of caring, such as simply saying, “I’m here for you this holiday season.” They even have a series of holiday cards you can send for no cost via e-mail.  I was impressed that Papyrus partnered to develop these cards (it’s nice to know that’s where your eight dollars a card at Target goes).

Personally, this is my first holiday season without either of my parents.  I already feel an emptiness. While I know it will be an honor to carry on some of the traditions my parents started for us (grab bags for each night of Chanukah followed by a visit from Santa the last night?), there is a bittersweetness.  What #OptionBThere offers is a way to help people create a holiday that works for them. There is even a section advising how to “declare Your Holiday Bill of Rights.” I found it helpful just to know what I am feeling is normal and how to express it without bringing others down.

While nothing can replace someone you love or take away the losses you experience, feeling the supportive presence of others is a huge help. So please, take the time to read through #OptionBThere and share it with people you know. And if you really feel the giving spirit, go ahead and make a donation. In the words of Option B:  “show your friends and loved ones that you’re there for them – and that you understand how they’re really feeling this holiday season.  Blah-la-la-la-la,la-la,la, la!”