For the first post of 2020, the beginning or end of the decade depending on your point of view, I thought I would open with a bit of inspiration for changing your mood, and with it maybe even society, for the better.  I came across an article about a concept I hadn’t heard before, but thankfully have experienced. It came from a Professor at the University of Virginia who, ironically, spent his career studying the experience of disgust.  He found social situations were powerful inducers of a sense of disgust, such as when you see someone behave in a way that is cruel or hypocritical. Our reactions to this feeling are protective in nature. We withdraw and become more guarded as a means of self protection.  But after years of studying this reaction of repulsion, Dr. Haidt began to wonder about the opposite. What happens when you see someone do something altruistic?  

It turns out there’s a unique and measurable experience that happens to us when we witness what is described as moral beauty and that this experience is widely known across cultures and historical times.  It is the “warm, uplifting feeling that people experience when they see unexpected acts of goodness, kindness, courage, or compassion,” according to Dr. Haidt, and he called the experience “elevation.” The experience of elevation is often surprising and brings with it a sense of joy.  But it’s also a unique experience that differs from feelings of happiness, in that elevation elicits a good feeling about the world and other people, elicits a unique physical experience of a warm, tingly sensation in the chest, and makes people feel more open to other people and want to be helpful themselves.  

In fact, studies show that when people are “happy,” they are more likely to engage in more self-focused or internal pursuits, while people experiencing “elevation” turned their attention toward others and expressed a desire to become better people.  Other studies seem to suggest that elevation may increase the amount of oxytocin circulating in our bodies by stimulating the hormone’s release. Oxytocin is the hormone associated with attachment and bonding. This may be the physiological mechanism underlying elevation’s powerful effect when we can be thrilled or even moved to tears by witnessing acts of kindness and feel a warm glow for a period of time afterward.  And other researchers have found that the higher the sense of elevation, the more motivated and the more actual follow through there is in actually engaging in prosocial behaviors.

In reflecting on the data, researchers believe we are in fact wired to be inspired, as they say.  The fact that we can be so responsive to the good deeds of others, even when we don’t benefit directly, is a really positive aspect of human nature.  Haidt notes that a particularly interesting aspect of elevation is its social benefit, which is the power to spread. When people are elevated, they tend to share the story of what moved them, which in turn elevates others.  When an elevation story is told well it is contagious. Powerful moments of elevation, whether experienced first hand or second hand, appear “to push a mental “reset” button, wiping out feelings of cynicism and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, optimism,” he writes.

I feel so lucky in that I am surrounded by acts that inspire elevation on a daily basis.  Working at a health center dedicated to serving the underserved exposes me to doctors, nutritionists, administrators, mental health workers, medical assistants, and even maintenance workers who could make more money in private industry but are dedicated to a mission.  The mission and culture seem to inspire everyone to serve our patients in a respectful and giving way. I knew that I was fortunate to be around such smart and dedicated people, but reading about elevation helps me understand how the culture continues despite the setbacks of budget cuts, changes in the healthcare system, and stressful schedules.  When one of us is having a bad day, the giving spirit of someone else carries us through and picks us up.

Of course we all have our moments of disgust and despair, but it gives me great hope to think how good deeds inspire others to engage in good deeds.  We all have the ability to elevate one another. There is great benefit to ourselves and to society in appreciating and sharing about all the good that is happening around us.  While watching the nightly news may bring me down, a good deed story may in fact be more powerful to lift me up. Sharing the good may be exponentially good for all of us.

Last night was the first night of Chanukah, which celebrates the Jews defeating Syrian-Greek oppressors who had tried forcing them to abandon their religion and adopt Greek culture.  Led by Judah Maccabee, they recaptured the holy temple in Jerusalem. When arriving there they found only enough olive oil to light the holy eternal flame for one night, but it lasted miraculously for eight nights, giving them time to replenish it.  Hence, the holiday is known as the “Festival of Lights.” Ultimately, to me this is a story about resilience: the little drop of oil that persevered for eight nights and the people who persevered in recapturing their temple and continuing their faith.

With the New Year approaching this is a perfect time to think about resilience.  In reflecting on the past year, most of us lament about the goals we didn’t achieve and the ways we didn’t measure up.  Then in drawing up resolutions for next year, we continue the theme of harping on everything we failed at and pledge to correct them all.  But what about all the things we did right? What about all the small and big challenges that we overcame, both daily and throughout the year?  Some years the wind is in your favor and you can travel far downstream. But some years the headwinds are so strong you may paddle your little heart out and seem like you didn’t get anywhere at all. We can miss the resilience and success in keeping yourself from having been blown off course.  

Resilience is defined by the US Department of Health and Human Services as “the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversity and stress.”  Resilience is about using coping strategies to maintain, return to, or possibly even mature in your mental health and well being. I am sure if you think about your 2019, you will discover many ways in which you were quite successful in overcoming hardships.  In case you are having trouble, here are a few elements that researchers have found that contribute to resilience.

-Optimism:  staying positive about the future even when faced with big obstacles

-Altruism:  helping others is a way to boost your mood and sense of efficacy

– Moral compass: holding on to a set of beliefs about what is right and wrong -Humor: laughing at your own misfortune

-Social Supports: allowing yourself to be vulnerable and stay connected  

-Facing Fear: being willing to leave your comfort zone and confront their fear  

-Meaning in Life:  having a sense of purpose allows us to persevere  

-Training: receiving feedback and using it to improve, having a growth mindset  

Now pat yourself on the back for getting through, raise a glass and toast your perseverance, and applaud your ability to overcome all that you did.  You have had many successes this year, so give yourself credit for how you got by. And perhaps in setting goals for 2020, you can resolve to highlight and enhance your skills in resilience.  It truly will be the gift that keeps on giving!!

As the days get shorter, darker, and colder this time of year, animals take the clue and hibernate.  So why do we get busier and insist on decking our halls? Why do we shop till we drop and insist on fa-la-la-la-la?  Our natural inclination tells us to slow down and withdraw, but our cultural expectations and hence our personal expectations are quite the opposite.  Seems like a set up to me.

Most people find it hard to get motivated this time of year and with the darkness comes the desire to just go home and retreat.  The skies are grey and cloudy, the sunlight is low in the sky, and plants and trees are in their cycle of dormancy. The trees lose their leaves and the cold weather slows things down and causes us to seek shelter.  It is the natural order of death before rebirth. Similarly, rather than trying to fight it, we too might mirror this environmental process psychologically. Winter can be a time to honor darkness and to journey deep within to reflect, restore, and nourish ourselves internally.  The winter solstice is a powerfully symbolic time. The sun metaphorically dies on the longest darkest night of the year, and is reborn the next day to begin its journey to the summer solstice. The time before the winter solstice is an opportunity for grieving, acknowledging what’s been lost, and letting go.  By accepting and embracing our sorrows we can heighten our awareness of other’s pain and deepen our compassion toward others by means of thee compassion we show ourselves.

Celebrating darkness is not about celebrating evil, but uncovering the depths of who we are.  When we allow ourselves to go within, we can discover parts of ourselves the light has never touched.  We can find seeds of potential that have been dormant waiting for nourishment. The darkness can offer a peaceful time to attend to our souls and work on relating better to parts of our selves and to relationships that live within us as memories of people we have lost.  This is rich work that can heal and replenish us if we allow ourselves the time and space.

Ironically, in contrast to the natural world, our cultural traditions run counter to this quiet time of reflection.  Shops are open 24 hours, music blares, and stressful obligations seem to rule the day. Not that I mean to be a ba-hum-bug scrooge, but I have been thinking more about giving ourselves the chance to slow down and find more balance.  I, myself, as well as many people I talk to, feel obligated to fight the urge to withdraw at this time of year and experience “holiday blues.” WIth the expectation that we should feel happy joyous, and merry, our inclination to retreat feels like there is something wrong with us.  But maybe there is nothing wrong with us. Maybe what is wrong is our frenetic insistence on pushing ourselves to do the very opposite of what seems to be calling? Maybe we could learn to find peace within our calm and even within our sorrow. Embracing darkness just may be what is needed to clear a path for the rebirth that inevitably comes with the return of the light.  

Every year I sing the praises of Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday with the three F’s – family, food, and football. But I also really love it for being a holiday centered around gratitude. I have written before about how gratitude is the Superpower of positive psychology and most people by now have heard about Gratitude Journals (thanks Oprah).  But this year I came across some good research about the mechanisms of gratitude’s power and thought I would share with you some insights and good news about that attitude of gratitude.

In an article from the Center for Greater Good (wouldn’t you want to work there?) the review of the literature on gratitude leads to a conclusion that gratitude is not just a positive state of mind but an active process that leads us to cope with stress and regulate our emotions in beneficial ways.  When we feel grateful we manage difficult emotions both more effectively and in ways that are deemed “healthier,” meaning they lead us to better future outcomes. Researchers found four basic underlying mechanisms of how this works.First, grateful people were more likely to take steps to actively deal with their problems or try to look for “silver linings” (called positive reframing in psychology speak). As a result, they were less likely to give up trying or blame themselves. Second, grateful people were more likely to reach out to others when they were stressed.  When we feel appreciative of people’s past efforts at helping us, we will have a higher expectation of finding benefit if we reach out again. The third finding of what grateful people do that leads to good coping is that gratitude actually changes our experience of negative emotions. It almost serves as a thought inoculation. Grateful people use more insight into cause and effect that helps them reappraise negative situations and thereby manage the negative emotions that may be a result. And finally, research reveals that grateful people are more patient. Grateful people show a higher capacity for delay of gratification (more psychology speak for the idea that you can put off the desire for a small reward to wait for a bigger reward.)  Delay of gratification has been largely associated with emotional intelligence and life success (like getting through 4 years of hard work in college to get a degree or resisting the good looking guy who isn’t so good to you to wait for the better choice).

But the most interesting and best news for me in reading the research about gratitude was how easy it was to achieve the gratitude. In each study that found a beneficial effect of gratitude, they created the group of grateful subjects by simply asking people to write about gratitude! (The control group of “non-grateful” people wrote about neutral topics). Some studies had subjects journal a few times a week for a month and some studies had subjects remember a time when they were appreciative and write about it.  But that was all it took! It wasn’t that they combed the streets looking for grateful human beings, they were able to create an attitude of gratitude in the lab and then have people reap the benefits!! How amazing is that!!

So in thinking about my love of Thanksgiving, maybe it’s the aura of gratitude that makes the children look a bit cuter, the pie taste a little sweeter, and the football loss a little less painful. Digging into a helping of gratitude may actively engage my more positive coping tools and facilitate what makes the day feel so special. So when your Aunt Bessie hurts your feelings or you burn the dinner rolls because Uncle Fred was telling you about his latest political theory, take a moment to remind yourself about what you do love about your family.  It just may be what keeps you wanting to come back year after year.

This past week, having survived the evacuations and power outages caused by the Kinkade fires in my county, I’ve had an interesting re-awakening to the meaning of community.  While being more of an introvert who lives in a rather remote home environment, the realization of how vulnerable I am as an individual was never more apparent than when faced with a looming natural disaster.  The networks of relatedness and dependency became all too clear as we each sat and listened to the radio for news from our community leaders, texted one another to check in and share information, and offered one another resources, many families sharing homes (thank you Hart Kaufman family!), volunteering in evacuation centers, and providing food and care as needed.  Whether we are aware or not, we are all part of multiple layers of community including family, friendships, religious or spiritual, political, social, professional, and the list goes on. This weeks post is an homage to this interconnection that we too often take for granted.

The dictionary definition of community involves both a boundary and a relationship.  The boundary aspect is defined as “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.”  This can be your County, your neighborhood or your housing. It can also be your ethnicity, your religion, or your love of hummingbirds.  We are all complicated beings with many possible layers of community defined by our our unique combination of both inherent and chosen identity characteristics and interests.  The relationship aspect of the definition of community involves “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.” It is our tribal human nature that once we define ourselves as having something in common, a sense of bonding or camaraderie tends to follow.  

Particularly in California culture, the Western notion of individual achievement and autonomy of spirit is valued.  We think of the lone cowboy riding off on his horse for our history and the brilliant home grown entrepreneur of modern day heroics. But the fact is, that no one lives without community and we all reap the benefits of that collective structure.  It is the very essence of civilization and society providing us with rules to live by, streets to drive on, and places to feel safe. But that all feels so abstract, until a fire bears down on your home and smoke fills the air. Suddenly and with great clarity, we come to see how much we need each other.  Community provides resources and knowledge. It provides support and comfort, and it provides leadership and opportunities for service. There is nothing that bridges differences better than a shared sense of community effort.  

As people return to their homes and the smoke in the air clear, I hope we can all keep the spirit that holds us together during these tough times.  Personally, it has encouraged me to take a look at my own sense of community belonging and how it has changed. I don’t have children in the local schools any more, and this was a big source of community for me for many years.  Replacing community feels to be an important effort that I could easily ignore. Over time, layering disconnections can lead to isolation. I see this in my work every day, the breakdown of family and social connections that leads to depression and isolation.  It’s very hard to be alone, but it’s also very challenging to join in once you feel like an outsider.  

When I think about who I am, I think about myself as an individual:  Romanian, college graduate, psychologist, New York Giants fan. But every one of these pieces of identity is within a community that offers the opportunity for connection.   It does take effort, but stepping up and out of my comfort zone is an important thing to do for my emotional and physical well being. Community gives me a sense of purpose and belonging when times are good and resources and support for times when I need help.  Disasters can come at any time and in many forms for each of us: fire, drought, divorce, illness. The old cliches still ring true: No person is an island and we all need someone to lean on. And if you’ve watched the NY Giants this season, you know how true that is.

It’s always fun for me to watch people trying on costumes for Halloween.  Their body language changes, their demeanor shifts, and some sort of alter ego emerges.  It got me thinking about our clothes and the influence it has on us. Fun fact, as it turns out, there is a developing psychology all about this! 

“Embodied cognition” is the study of how our thought processes are based on our physical experiences that set off abstract processes.  For example, research shows that washing your hands is associated with a sense of moral purity and ethical judgments. People rate others personally warmer  if they hold a hot drink in their hand, and colder if they hold an iced drink. And if you carry a heavy clipboard, you will feel more important! A group of researchers took this a step further to investigate “enclothed cognition,”looking at the “systematic influence that clothes have on the wearer’s psychological processes.”  In other words, what do the clothes you wear say to you, not about you, and how this influences how you behave. 

Researchers at Northwestern University did a series of experiments having subjects wear either a doctors coat, an artists smock, or street clothes.  Despite the fact that the doctor’s coat and the artist’s smock were actually absolutely identical, the people wearing what they believed was the doctor’s coat performed much better on  tasks and were more careful and attentive. Just looking at the doctor’s coat had no effect on performance, it was only when subjects had it on did it change their outcomes. The researchers conclude that “the influence of clothes depends both on wearing the clothing and the meaning it invokes in their psychological schema.”  Doctors are generally thought to be highly intelligent, precise, and scientific thinkers, while artists are generally thought to be free thinking creative types. People ascribed a symbolic meaning to an article of clothing and while wearing it, took on the character strength they perceived.  

Enclothed cognition gives scientific proof to the idea that you should dress not how you feel, but how you want to feel.  The clothes you choose are sending messages to those around you, but also to yourself! When you dress a certain way, it does influence your internal self.  When you feel low or nervous about a job at hand, dressing up can change things. Clothes influence the body and the brain, putting us in a state of expectation that alters how we approach and interact with our world, and in turn, how the world responds to us.  We have uniforms of all types in our lives, beyond what we wear to work. What we wear to the grocery store, to work out in, or on a date may have more influence than we realize in how we things go for us.  

So this Halloween have some fun!  Try on an outfit very different from your comfortable self.  How does it make you feel? How does it affect how you hold your body posture? Your attitude?  Does it make you feel more powerful or more attractive? Bolder or sillier? Then imagine how you might use this in what you choose to wear each morning.   This new research shows it to be at least somewhat true, that clothes makes the man (or woman)! 

After writing in my last post about the positive shift in attitude I feel when I use the word I “get” to versus I “have” to, I began to think about another word change.  I notice I also experience the same tightness in my body that happens when I say “have” whenever I use the word “should.”  I also realize how often I say it! So this week, as a follow up, I’ll spend some words on this word.

Most of us have heard the phrase “You’re shoulding all over yourself.”  We recognize that when we use the word should it invokes a little burst of guilt.  Hence the tightness. So I started reframing that each time I use the word ‘should” I’m actually identifying an ambivalence.  I want to have cake and ice cream for dinner, but I also know its healthier to eat the chicken. Should alerts us that we want something else rather than what we feel is the “right” thing to do.  I should do the dishes, but I want to watch This Is Us.  I should call the insurance guy, but I don’t want to talk to him.  

Obviously, it’s not a good idea to do whatever we want.  Shoulds impose reason and reflect important internalized messages of past learning that are necessary.  But should has a childlike quality; like when I was a little girl and for my own well being had to do what my parents and teachers wanted.  Should makes me feel young and beholden to some authority and therefore makes me feel that my desires are in some way bad. Inevitably, it makes me a bit rebellious.  Ironically then, the more I feel like I should do something, the less likely I am to do it. And then the more I put it off, the more resentful I am about it.

So the antidote?  I have been playing around with replacing I “should” with I “ choose.”  It helps me own whatever I should do as a choice that I, as my adult self, am making, rather than being guilted to please someone else.  Whenever I hear a should, I’m trying to think it of it as information about my own ambivalence. It helps me explore the basis for the should as well.  Sometimes shoulds are based on things that are good for me, and sometimes not. Often, my shoulds come from my desire to please other people. I should volunteer for the fundraiser, I should apologize, or I should say yes to something.  I do it because I want approval rather then really what’s true for me.  

Again, being an adult often requires doing things we don’t want to do.  But it also allows us to go off the rails once in a while because we’ve achieved the maturity to get back on track.  It’s ultimately all about weighing pros and cons and making a choice, then taking responsibility for the choice. Saying I choose rather than I should affirms my behavior as a decision rather than an imposed activity.  I’m also finding that when I say I “should” do something, it leaves it in the future. When I change it to I choose to do it, it brings it into the now. It also helps me prioritize. Rather than having a list of shoulds building up, I can evaluate what’s most important to me at any given time.  Yes, I should be cleaning the house, but right now, writing my blog is more important to me. Or, yes, having the cake and ice cream for dinner would be fun, but keeping my sugar in balance is more important to me. And sometimes, in switching from I “should” to I “choose,” we actually give ourselves permission to compromise.  

So here’s my choice:  After I write this I’ll call the insurance guy, have a piece of the leftover chicken for dinner, do the dishes, and relax with the slice of cake while I watch my recorded episode of This Is Us.  Hmmmm what do you know.  Being an adult isn’t all that bad!

I recently heard a little technique that has had a relatively powerful effect on my attitude and mood at times when I’ve needed it.  It came from a woman in one of the groups I am fortunate to facilitate. (If there’s an original author who should get credit, I apologize, I did my best to find you via Google). This tool is quick, involves just one word, but takes me from a feeling of obligation and low enthusiasm to a feeling of gratitude and enthusiasm.  The word is “get” and replaces the word “have” in this simple sentence: “I get to” versus “I have to”. (Hand to head in explosion gesture!)

Here’s the magic:  I am driving home from work pretty tired.  I suddenly realize that I never made it to the grocery store over the weekend and have very little with which to make dinner. Worse yet, we’re out of coffee for the morning.  I feel a heaviness in my already worn out body as I tell myself, “You have to go to the grocery store.” I imagine the busy parking lot, the annoyance at how long it takes to think about and find what I need, the long line at check out and feel a sense of dread.  I picture this exhausting scenario versus just going straight home to take off my heels and lounge on the couch. I feel annoyed and obligated, burdened and resentful.

Then I wave the wand by substituting the word “get” for “have” and say out loud, “You GET to go the grocery store.”  I know it sounds so hokey, but it suddenly shifts my energy. I’m suddenly thinking about all the fresh produce I am so lucky to have available here in Sonoma County.  I think of all the work that has gone into the production of the food and other items I will consume. I begin to think more creatively about what I might make for dinner and don’t take for granted that I can just walk in and purchase what I need to satisfy my hunger. I am now in a frame of mind of appreciation and bounty, gratitude and openness.

It doesn’t work every time to that degree, but each time I’ve tried it (I experimented with it for a month before feeling good about writing about it), I always find something good about what I “have” to do that makes me feel more open.  With a change in that one little word I move from an attitude of victimhood to a feeling of privilege; from looking at what is negative about what I’m about to do to looking at what is positive. I see each activity in my life for the choice it really is rather than the obligation.  

As someone who enjoys both reading and writing, I am a lover of words. I often reflect on the choice of language and what it means in my writing and in my work with people as a facilitator of self expression and communication.  But every once in a while an example of the power of vocabulary comes along and rocks my world (yes, I know, I am old.) It’s the closest thing to magic or miracle I know. So please, give it a try and see what it does for you.  I promise, there’s no danger, no side effects, and it doesn’t cost you a penny. And since it’s all in your mind, you never have to worry about leaving your wand or magic hat at home!

I just returned from moving my younger daughter across the country for her first year of college (insert bittersweet tears here). The school had a gathering for us new parents with several of the big wig Deans giving us a pep talk, of sorts, that all of our many dollars were being well invested (insert anxious tears here).  The President of the College, Philip J. Hanlon, however, had a bit of good advice for us that I appreciated most of all. It made a lot of sense to me and for anyone making a big change.

“Your son or daughter will probably be calling you at some point to say they don’t fit in,” he warned us.  It may be after their first exam when they get a lower grade than they are used to, when they get a paper back with more red ink then they have seen in all of high school or when they look around and feel everyone else looks fine and they feel so very different.  Just remind them at those moments that they did not come here to fit in, he encouraged us. They chose their school to be challenged and to expand their skills and experiences. They will need to work hard and to ask for help. They will need to tolerate being uncomfortable and feeling inadequate.  They will need to give it time and to trust the process (my words). With all of that, eventually, they will grow and change to a new identity that fits in with their new surroundings.

As a constant student of change, I loved being reminded of these words to say to my daughter or to anyone going through a change.  And to remind myself when I’m trying something new and feel I don’t fit in. When it is a change you choose to make it is no doubt easier.  You have a vision and a goal to motivate your change. You feel your expansion to fit a new identity is in an “upward” direction. But sometimes the change we must adapt to is not wanted and not asked for.  No one wants to take on the identity of a widow, an ill patient, or being unemployed. But these indeed are new identities that require us to build new skills and tolerate anxiety and insecurity. Although we didn’t sign up for it we still inevitably must learn through periods of loneliness and self doubt how to manage and where we need to alter ourselves.  The same holds true as well for the process of change whether it is chosen or not – that it takes time, hard work, and it is best to ask for help.  

I clearly remember feeling in my first year of college, my first year of graduate school, seeing my first clients (sorry, I did my best), my first year of marriage, and my first year of motherhood (sorry, I did my best), that I did not fit in.  Same was true in my first year of caretaking my mother, looking for a job after being laid off, and being an adult orphan. Whenever we go through a change, we ourselves need to change. Our identities, capacities, opinions, and perspectives inevitably do change along with us.  By definition and by necessity, we are not the same. We no longer fit in to who we were, but expand out to become who we are now.

My younger daughter invited me to attend a talk given by the distinguished astronaut Sunita Williams.  What an impressive person! Having graduated from the Naval Academy, she learned to fly helicopters and did so in several tours of duty, then she became a test pilot, and eventually was chosen to become an astronaut.  After piloting the space shuttle, she moved on to become the Commander during her six months of time on the International Space Station. My daughter, being the curious and persistent young woman she is, waited and waited in line to greet Commander Williams.  The advice she gave my daughter, as a young woman interested in a male dominated field of science, was well worth the price of admission and I think a gift to share with others.

“Confidence comes from competence” was her message.  In other words, learn, train and practice practice practice.  In order to be taken seriously she had to be good at what she did.  Out in space, no one cared about her gender as long as she could keep them alive in a crisis. She had to keep practicing and improving her skills in order to be as best prepared for whatever might happen that she could not ever anticipate.  At the same time, she had to have the humility to accurately evaluate herself and take feedback. She shared about the importance of a leader knowing how and when to be a follower as a critical skill for success. As a leader, she had to have confidence enough to give way to other’s opinions without being threatened.   

Confidence without competence is entitlement  In a Harvard Business Review article by Thomas Chamarro-Premuzic, titled “Why Do So Many Incompetent Men Become Leaders,” he addresses this problem.  He posits that we often fail to distinguish between confidence and competence and concludes that this bias toward confidence “too often results in the selection of arrogant and self-centered leaders.”  These very traits (overvaluing yourself) are actually inversely related to leadership ability. He further writes: “The paradoxical implication is that the same psychological characteristics that enable male managers to rise to the  top of the corporate ladder also leads to their downfall.” Being a good self promoter is not just different from, but in direct contrast to what it takes to actually be a good leader.

We may not aspire to be a space walker or a Fortune 500 business leader, but we each have goals of things we’re learning to do that are really difficult.  We feel awkward and insincere when we first do them. But with practice, if we keep learning and practicing, the confidence does come. The more we try, the better we will  get, the more confident we will be. If we wait to have confidence, we’ll never have the chance to get the competence! And as Sunita Williams suggests, true confidence, the kind that allows for humility and team work, comes when we continue to put ourselves to the test over and over again.  The deeper we build our foundation of competence, the more stability there will be for our confidence!