I’ve always been a very disciplined person, and in many respects it’s served me well.  I’m great at meeting deadlines, having things organized, and following through on what I start.  But there’s always been a shadow side to this discipline, a cost to all that “productiveness” that I’ve become increasingly aware of.  My productivity is often driven by fear and a need to feel in control.  My endless to-do lists and that incessant voice inside my head takes a toll on being able to simply be present and enjoy what is happening around me.  So especially of late, I’m working on letting go and experimenting with what can happen.  In fact, yesterday, the sun was beating in on the couch in our great room.  I actually laid down in the warmth, pulled a blanket around my shoulders, and took a nap.  When I awoke, the world still existed and I felt refreshed!  The tasks I had intended to do were still there, but it didn’t really matter.  So today I’m going to share a little of what I’ve been contemplating and the inspiration I’ve been drawing from.

Many of us over-productive people are driven by an illusion that once we achieve our goal, things will be better. “I’ll be happier when…I’ll be more relaxed if only…when I get that job done…” It’s a way I distract myself from my anxiety by harboring the delusion that things will be better in the future.  It gives me an illusion of control and power, that if I work hard enough and keep focus enough, things will work out in the end.  But it also leads to exhaustion, disillusion, and a fear of falling behind.  It concedes joy in the present for a constant pursuit of a reward in the future that undoubtedly never comes because there’s always a new thing to worry about or a new challenge to face.

Life is an endless marathon of things that need fixing and tasks that need finishing.  As a result, I’m working to adopt the philosophy of the author Oliver Burkeman in his book Meditations for Mortals, which he refers to as imperfectionism.  As he defines it, imperfectionism is about “accepting that there will always be too much to do, that you won’t always feel ready, and that the future will always be uncertain.”  By embracing rather than fighting the reality of limitations and imperfections and viewing them less as obstacles, we allow ourselves to live a saner, freer, and more meaningful life.  By letting go of the pressure for perfection, we free up our time, energy, and focus for things that make us happier and more fulfilled.  By embracing our mortality, and accepting the limits of our lives. Burkeman hopes to inspire us to stop chasing after what’s impossible and to choose what’s most important to us and, as Nike says, just do it.

The author Joan Tollifson’s book title really grabbed my attention.  In  Death: The End of Self-Improvement, she writes about how embracing the loss of control that comes with aging can actually open us up to the joys of the messy and the hard things in life.  When we’re chasing after self improvement, we ignore the beauty in what and who we are now, with all our strengths and vulnerabilities.  The quest to always be better leads us to self doubt, social comparison, and envy.  Self-acceptance, on the other hand, leads us to a loving attitude and actual self-care and good health, rather than desperate quick fixes presented by the self improvement industry.  

I also love the phrase by the writer Shasha Chapin called “playing in the ruins.”  He refers to it as a sacred state in which you’re no longer denying the reality of the “scrapyard around you.” Instead of the burden to transform it, you accept the reality of it and enjoy what there is to be had there. By accepting limitations and not chasing after future goals, we can get on with life and take the risks that are available when we are freed up from trying to make life work out the way we think it needs to.  We can “play” rather than “control”.  And as Burkeman suggests, we can never get safety from life, we simply have to live in it.   

So what does this mean for day to day living?  I’m not sure yet.  The trash still needs to be taken out, I still need to get up at the alarm to make it to work on time, and tax day is approaching.  I suppose it means discerning what needs to get done for today from being caught up in the “what if” fears about the future.  It’ll mean letting go of how things “should be.”  It’ll mean being more spontaneous and trusting my capacity to be fine even if I don’t feel completely prepared.  It’ll mean ordering more take out. But the hope is it will also mean more moments of contentment and naps in the sun on the couch.  It will mean being able to linger in what feels good now without worrying about what could be.

Like any new philosophy or effort to embrace a new way of being, even this change, paradoxically, requires effort and attention.  The challenge is not to make it into one more thing I have to do.  I find myself amused that even Burkeman himself falls into the trap with his subtitle “Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts.”  Really? I have to think a PR person added that in!  The point of imperfectionism is that there is no particular way we have to be, no pressure to become something different, and no solution we will ever find that will fix it for us.  Four days, four weeks, four years, four decades?  How about just FOR NOW?

Ok, it’s hard to believe, but I’ve been writing this blog for ten years!!  Say what???  Indeed!  Back in February of 2015 I had been laid off from the clinic I was working at when they closed their entire Mental Health Department.  I was feeling pretty lost, trying to figure out my next step and how I could find a new job.  My confidence was a bit shaken, I have to admit.  I suddenly had nowhere to go and while I interviewed and waited, I had some unexpected free time.  I’d been doing some writing for fun and loved the process.  It was my friend, Sherry Weinberg, who encouraged me to start a blog (thank you Sherry, for creating with me and supporting me along the way).  I had the glimmer of an idea, but it was Sherry who had learned how to set it up while helping her son write his own blog about cars.  With her technical and emotional support, I launched For-A-Change.  I had no idea at the time that I would still be writing it ten years later and what a positive experience it would be for me.  I thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and for changing along with me.

What has surprised me the most about my blogging journey is how fresh it still feels.  I’m so lucky for how much I’ve enjoyed it!  I’ve never missed a post (first writing every week and then changing to every other week), because I’ve never been at a loss for something I wanted to explore and share.  That has been the best part for me.  I get the opportunity, through the structure of my self imposed deadline, to think about an idea I want to delve into and then allow myself the space to read, research, and then write about it.  I hope I’ve shared some helpful or thought provoking ideas along the way.  But also, I appreciate the opportunities to share some of my own personal growth with you.  A lot has changed in ten years including our county wildfires, my mother’s death, my kids’ graduations/launching, and yes, my own aging process.

And so, for my tenth anniversary edition, I ask for your indulgence in a little rant about writing.  I’ve been so surprised how much I’ve come to love it, because it surely wasn’t always this way!  Like most of you, I was exposed to writing in a format that pretty much sets you up to hate it.  We’re given assignments on topics that are dull, that are fact based, or in which we have to find right answers. Then we are graded and critiqued and asked to rewrite it.  We’re trained to write by being asked to write something for someone.  While I really do understand the importance of learning to be a good communicator and writing effectively and showing our accumulation of knowledge, we’re never invited to explore the very best of what writing can be.  Writing can and should be about expression.  It’s the art of putting our thoughts and feelings into words so that we, and perhaps someone we care to share it with, can get to know us.  Writing can be about exploration, about self discovery, and about being able to spend time with our curiosity aimed at whatever moves us.  Free writing is an amazing way to discover.  It taps into our unconscious and can enlighten us.  When we let go and follow our writing process, we can often be surprised at what connections we make and what we have to say.  It can be about big ideas and important relationships, or it can be about the most small and seemingly mundane events that make up our daily routines we often take for granted.  Writing is a way we draw attention to our lives and notice things as we record them.

In a recent article, author Elise Devlin, interviews Michael Phelps about his journaling habit.  He credits it as a key to getting his emotional world in balance.  He follows two rules.  The first is “no limits.”  He doesn’t start with any particular prompt or intention.  He simply writes about his day at the end of every day.  The second rule he follows is “document everything” – what he ate, how he feels, any interactions that made him feel weird…every little detail.  After doing it for years, it takes him about 15 minutes.  Then he takes time to review it.  He looks for clues or patterns or any bit of information that informs him about himself.  Phelps describes re-reading his entries as “piecing together the puzzle.”  He finds connections between his behavior and what he was feeling.  He finds patterns to his sleep or food intake, for example that might have gone unnoticed that might have affected his mood or attitude.  As a part of the article, the author decides to try the Phelps method of journaling.  I love how she describes it after her initial concern of having nothing to say, “It felt like one of those magic tricks where the magician pulls a never ending scarf out of their sleeve:  More and more unexpected thoughts kept rolling out.”

Regardless of what method you use, I think writing is essentially a process allowing you to be in conversation with yourself.  This level of internal dialogue and documentation allows us to go deeper into what we experience and offers us a chance to reflect without having to justify or defend ourselves.  As long as we can keep our critic out of the mix!  The most significant way to shut ourselves down or to give ourselves a case of writer’s block is to begin editing at the same time that we’re writing.  If our inner voice is evaluating what we’re expressing, it surely curtails the freedom to explore.  That’s why it’s so important to free write, following our muse, only later re-reading it.  That’s where journaling can be so liberating.  You can write and read it later, you can write and never, ever read it again, or you can write and read it moments, days, or years later.  Writing is a way to learn to stop the inner critic from editing our every thought and feeling.  It’s a training in giving ourselves permission to be who we are, with full acceptance of our totality.

For me, the process of writing has helped me uncover what I think and feel.  It also helps me to see that I can hold many different thoughts and feelings at various times, or all at the same time.  Writing gives me the awareness of my full experience and helps me integrate what can seem contradictory. And when I write, I don’t have to be completely accurate – it’s my story, after all.  And maybe that’s what I like as well about writing.  I have total control!  If I want to write a happy ending, I can.  If I want to kill off a thought or feeling, I can slash it and write the opposite.  I am the author!  The omnipotent creator of whatever I am saying.  Where else in life can I have so much control?  Maybe that’s why I love it so much! Aha!!!!  I just made the connection between my desire for control and my joy in writing. See? Self discovery in action! 

So to celebrate my 10th anniversary, I invite you to grab a pen, pencil, crayon, or a keyboard and take control.  Write away!  Whatever you want to say, whatever you want to ponder, whatever story takes up your interest.  Please, have at it!  It’s all available just for you in just the way you want it to be!  

Happy 10 Years and THANK YOU for all the time you have given me in reading my words and the support you have shown me!!!!!

Some time last year I was really frustrated with myself.  I was falling into some bad patterns, and as things often go, one bad habit was setting me up for others.  My mood was down and I was finding myself becoming whiny and self pitying.  Finally, one morning after listening to myself complaining, I started to get angry.  “Enough with the victim, stuff,” I told myself, “if you don’t like what you’re doing, do something different.”  So I did.  I tried something new that actually helped me.  Then, as I found some success, I beta tested it (just like the NY Times Sports Connection game) with some of my clients at work.  I’m happy to report that the outcome of the trials have gone well enough that I’m rolling it out today to share with you.  It’s pretty simple to do and I’m finding it pretty sustainable.

When I felt it was consistently helpful and inspiring for me, I started telling some clients about it as a suggestion to try.  What I learned from them, and found for myself, was that the directives worked best if they were simple and action oriented.  The more focused they were, the more easily they could be followed.  Another important thing was to read through them each morning and each night.  The list served as a call to arms, so to speak.  It focused my energy into what can be done.  Another thing was to have them brief so that they could be read through quickly.  And when you read it, your mindset should be future thinking, not a referendum on how you had done.  Remind yourself you are not being graded, that it’s only for yourself, and that these steps are intentions and actions to take that have already been determined could make you feel better if you were to do them.  

There are days now I forget or don’t have time, but over a year in, I still find it helpful.  When I read them they feel like the voice of a familiar friend who is giving me a pep talk on what I can do to keep my life in balance. I have changed a few of them and tweaked a few, but overall they have remained pretty steady.  I suppose this is because they reflect values I’m aspiring to as well.  When I read through them,  I associate the directives with the success they have brought me, which reinforces my effort.  I also find my book of Action Directives serves as a call to return to my basics when life feels it is getting too complicated or I find myself overthinking and getting whiny.  Which just may explain why I find it helpful to do this every day!  

If you’re like most people, you’ve had an increase in anxiety over the past years.  What statistics show, and we see at my clinic, is an almost epidemic level of people seeking mental health services for it.  In response, a big push to recommend using mindfulness and meditation is growing.  There are apps you can get, classes you can take, and podcasts galore. But what I found, and my clients tell me, too, is, “that doesn’t work for me.”  I tried it, listened to many variations of guided imagery, body scans, and safe place grounding tools, but I still felt anxious and stressed.  On top of it, I felt like a failure at not being able to do it!  So today, I share with you a perspective  I’m finding helpful for both myself and my clients in a new approach to mindfulness.

We’ve all heard the buzz in the past few years about the many benefits of cultivating a mindfulness practice.  It reduces stress, helps us lose weight, and brings us peace.  Through meditation and mindfulness we can empty our minds of negative thoughts and feelings to be open to more joy.  So when the average person tries it, say a 60 year old woman who worries about everything, aiming to clear her mind and rid herself of negative distractions, she feels frustrated, as her mind won’t stop and her thoughts pull toward what’s bothering her.  She tries to stick with it and tells herself she has to try harder.  But the more she tries, the more she feels like she’s doing it wrong, and ends up believing she’s just not one of those “meditation types.”  And if she stopped there, she would be missing out on what actually can be a really helpful tool for healthy mental well being.  The problem, after she does some research, is not the practice, but the expectation.

Mindfulness has been sold to the public as a quick fix:  “Sit and be present in the moment and the stresses of life will fade.”  But actually, if you sit still and become more present, the stressors of life might actually feel worse!  The real power of mindfulness, when you talk to true students of the ancient practice, is paying attention to the present moment without judgement.  It’s more about acceptance and developing the skill of actually feeling our feelings and noticing our thoughts without being held captive by them.  We learn to experience them but also separate ourselves from them with the application of non-judgmental loving kindness.  The real goal of mindfulness is not to fix our lives, but to develop more awareness of and resilience by staying open to thoughts and feelings without being reactive.  With mindfulness, we can slow down and become aware of a range of feelings and thoughts that can co-exist.  In doing so, we can have more control over how we choose to respond to the world’s stressors.   In other words, mindfulness does not work by eliminating the stressors in our lives, as this is impossible, but it does help us become more centered and flexible in handling them.  A common metaphor for mindfulness is that we can’t control the waves, but we can learn to surf them.

Another aspect of mindfulness often overlooked in the more modern approach of stress reduction is the concept of impermanence.  Called the first seal of the dharma, the law of impermanence indicates that all conditioned things have a beginning, middle, and end (Nyanaponika Thera, 2006). They arise, evolve in a state of continuous change, and cease to exist.  As such, whatever we are upset about, whatever stress we feel, whatever we discover in our openness to full awareness will be fleeting.  Accepting ourselves and accepting change is a fundamental skill in developing a mindful approach.

As with any skill, mindfulness takes practice and continuous effort to create the change and to see the benefits.  Sitting down a few times or listening to a few options on an app won’t be enough.  The true benefits come from daily practice, but the good news, it only has to be a little bit every day.  Learning mindfulness basically teaches us the ability to pause to check in with ourselves and our needs, especially in times of stress.  The longer term outcome of a daily practice is to shift the tone of the conversation you have with yourself, not to eliminate the conversation.  By applying non-judgemental and compassionate awareness to your experiences, you become more accepting and loving to yourself and also to others.  You begin to have a better sense of what you can and cannot control, and the ability to let go of things that you are holding on to with relief rather than guilt.  As a bonus, by learning to sit with your feelings, both good and bad, you will learn to be able to notice and address your emotions and thoughts more quickly and thus, spend less time ruminating and wasting energy.  We can develop the habit of being more fully present in our relationships and with our own engagement in our lives.  

Like any superpower, mindfulness is a special state.  Even the most experienced mindfulness teachers talk of the days they can’t quite drop into the state they desire.  But rather than berate themselves, they seek the acceptance of this state of distraction and go with the flow.  Impermanence is a two edge experience.  We can’t hold on to the good, but we can also remind ourselves that whatever we feel, it, too, will not last.  And, yes, sometimes that 60 year old woman may feel like sisyphus, pushing the rock up the hill again, worrying about her family or the state of the world, but she also can become aware that she can let go of it at any time.  It’s her choice!

In my last post about Quitter’s Day, I referenced the author of the book The Dip, Seth Godin.  Something he’d said about quitting stayed with me, rolling around in my mind, and so I bought the book.  In it he makes the argument in favor of quitting!  And quitting often!  Say what?  In a culture that teaches us never to give up, just how is quitting a behavior to advise? What about Vince Lombardi declaring, “Quitters never win, and winners never quit!”  We all want to be winners, right?  But what Godin details is the fact that winners quit all the time.  They just quit, he argues, the right stuff at the right time.

When Godin refers to “the dip,” the low point in the process of making a change or pursuing a new skill, he emphasizes this as a choice point.  In facing the dip, we can either push through, recommitting to our goal, or we can quit and give up.  It’s the choices we make about what we pursue and what we choose to pass up on that he believes we need to be more conscious of.  He is a big advocate for creating clarity and having the courage to focus our energies on what will be most beneficial in the long run.  This means clearing out what is not effective to make room for what is effective.  In other words, strategic quitting.

There are times when we should quit.  The successful people he writes about quit a lot.  They just quit the things that are getting in the way or bogging them down.  In life, because of our belief that quitting is a moral failure, we hold on to too many things.  One result of this is getting spread too thin.  We overload our schedule and then become burned out by trying to do too much.  In parsing our energy into so many directions, we also dilute the ability to really sink into anything.  This might be the ‘jack of all trades, master of none” tendency.  We have trouble saying no to things because we don’t want to miss out.  In our attempts to be well rounded or have it all, we may lose the opportunity to really delve into an experience or savor it.

Another way we hold on to things we should quit is what Godin calls “the cul de sac.”  In contrast to the dip, the cul de sac is a dead end curve.  It leads to nowhere.  We go round and round without moving forward.  The most important thing about a cul de sac is to identify it as quickly as possible in order to get out of it.  A dead end job or a hobby you no longer enjoy can keep you locked in.  It uses up your energy, but doesn’t offer the feeling of growth or success that pushing through a dip would give.  But cul de sacs can be traps, as we get comfortable in them.  They give us security and the sense that we are engaged in productive efforts, but they also burn us out and lead to a feeling of complacency.

So how do we know when to push through a dip or if we should quit?  The answer lies in the goal you have.  The very process of evaluating whether a pursuit or strategy is worth sticking to is a key to success.  You may realize you just don’t enjoy or benefit as much as you thought from the original goal.  Then give yourself permission to move on to things that do!  Stop paying for expensive lift tickets and cabins if freezing in a lift line has taken the joy from your regular ski adventure.  Put your time and money into something else!  Maybe snowshoe, or snowmobile, or go somewhere warm!

Another possibility that might emerge in the quit or not to quit decision is to quit a particular strategy, but not the overall goal. Perhaps you need more skill and should take a class, perhaps you need to improve an area of your idea or narrow your focus in order to bypass a road bock.  Every successful product or person had to keep being reinvented in order to get better.  At first things are always “meh.”  Then you get the feedback and make improvements.  By sticking with something through little adjustments (or little quitting) you clarify and purify your result.  Think of all the glitches when we first started using new technologies?  What if a company had given up at the first version?  Or insisted it was the best without adaptation?  I would still be waiting for the Netflix envelope in the mail!

One of the most helpful suggestions I found from The Dip is the idea to create a quitting plan.  Before you hit the point of frustration or self doubt, decide what resources you are willing to commit.  What is a reasonable amount of time and money to put towards the goal?  If you wait until you hit the dip, you will be letting emotional reactions make the decision for you.  Assume from the start that you will get angry, depleted, and want to quit.  And then, when you hit that emotional low, refer to your plan to identify if it is truly the right time.  Too often we quit things for the wrong reasons, never knowing how it would be if we had stuck with it for the right reasons.  

Quitting the dip is often a short term reaction.  It helps to take the long term view to evaluate your goals and efforts. Are you making progress in small steps? Is the long term outcome worth the effort you now know is required?  What are the options available to ride through the dip?  Quitting a job doesn’t mean you’re quitting your career.  Quitting a gym doesn’t mean giving up on your health.  The long term goals are what will help us to rededicate with a new strategy.

And what if the goal is just enjoyment?  Sometimes we choose to do things that we know we’ll never be good at, but we like to do it anyhow.  Appreciating what brings us joy is another element of deciding if we should quit or keep going.  Perhaps we can call these circumstances Ferris Wheels.  We go round and round, but its for fun and we really enjoy the view.   If we quit things merely because we aren’t good enough at them, we miss out on a lot of success at happiness. Strategic quitting involves assessing our goals, our values, but also our sanity!

Happy belated Quitters Day!  In case you missed it, Quitters Day is the second Friday in January, this year falling on January 10th.  It marks the day according to research that most people have given up on their New Year’s Resolution.  Feel better?  You are not alone in throwing in the towel on your goals.  But research also shows ways to regroup and to continue to support change in the direction of your desired ambition.

In 2019, a research group hired by Strava (a fitness company) conducted an extensive study and found that about 80% of people who made New Year’s resolutions had tapped out by the second Friday in January.  Hence, it has been coined Quitter’s Day with an aim by fitness gurus and coaches not to make fun of those who gave up, but to normalize the urge and inspire people to keep going.  Seth Goden, another change researcher and author of the book The Dip,  coined the term “the Dip,” referring to the point when our initial enthusiasm hits a wall and things begin to feel difficult.  The dip indeed seems to line up right about the time of Quitter’s Day for New Year’s resolutions.  In response to the dip, he writes, we have to decide if our goal is worth pursuing and if so, how we can push forward.

Research shows there are several factors that accumulate to create the dip.  Reviewing these factors helps to adapt and strategize.  One factor is setting unrealistic goals.  In the initial enthusiasm of setting a goal , we often aim high.  However, setting goals that are too ambitious or vague leads to a feeling of overwhelm and discouragement after a few weeks.  Another factor is a lack of good planning.  Without a good plan our resolutions become uncertain in how to act on them and they can slip away in the hustle of everyday life.  Tracking is another factor that can affect our motivation.  If we aren’t sufficiently tracking our achievements and milestones, they are easy to dismiss.  Then there is perfectionism paralysis, where we put so much pressure on ourselves for a big change that we chip away at our good feelings and the change we are making becomes a chore and a burden.  And a final factor mentioned is the underestimation of resistance.  We forget that we will prefer the familiar and that change is hard.  We view the resistance itself as failure.

What to do if you find yourself in the dip?  It’s important to reflect on your “why.”  What is driving your desire to change?  Go beyond the initial thought, the more specific, the better.  For example, if you set the goal of getting fit, perhaps you can make it more precise into “hiking with my grandchildren.”  Understanding your reasons behind your change will help you stay closer to the source of your inspiration.  Next, consider breaking down your goals into smaller, more manageable steps.  Focusing on a far away goal can lead to frustration.  Give yourself wins along the way.  Embrace “micro-habits.”  These small consistent daily steps become building blocks to bigger change.   Having a support system also makes a difference.  Finding a partner or community who share your goal keeps you engaged and accountable.  When we do an activity with others we make sure to put it in our schedule.  Juggling a busy life and trying to stick to a new goal is challenging.  Make sure to plan ahead for your week or even your next day to include the time to engage in your new behavior, even if that time is to track or journal or to reflect.  Building in blocks of time to support your goal keeps it on the forefront of your to do list.

What I personally like about Quitter’s Day is not taking yourself or your progress too seriously.  Change is hard and maintaining change is even much harder.  Adding humor and some lightness is just as important as all the preparation and serious strategy for commitment.  See how to add a little fun into your change.  Why not have a party on quitter’s day?  How about eating chips with a “dip” (sorry, couldn’t resist)? Make a big celebration for a small step accomplished.  Give your quitter voice a name and character and bring him or her along as you go. Count how many times you start and restart your plan or new habit.  The point is that we set ourselves up when we think it will be a solid straight line to make a permanent change.  What we can absolutely count on are loopy and curvy setbacks and restarts.  So maybe instead of such a focus on the goal, we focus our attention and celebrations on the recommitments to the goal! It’s actually rare we ever really begin anything. What we do, so very often, is begin again. 

As my guy, Shaboozy, sings, “Man, what a hell of a year it’s been.” Truly. I think there’s quite a few of us happy to see the start of 2025 finally come, as this past year’s been a rough one.  So much anxiety, frustration, and tension.  While the pandemic years were unprecedented and difficult in their own ways, 2024 seemed full of conflict and anger. It would be so nice to leave behind what we can.  For today’s post, I thought I’d reflect on how to mindfully begin the new year with the hope of some healing. I’d like to share what tips I find to help us move forward with an open heart.

Moving through difficult times involves letting go.  One great place to start is with forgiveness.  The turn of a new year is a great time to check in with yourself about what relationships may have been damaged in the past year.  A fresh mindset means giving people second or maybe even third chances.  It’s a good time to identify any unresolved issues with family and friends and acknowledge your ability to make peace and move forward.  Sometimes we can do this with other people, but we can also do it within our own experience.  Forgiveness will also apply to the ways you need to forgive yourself.  We often drag the past into the future by dwelling on regrets.  What you can’t change, you can learn from.

Another tip for resetting from a difficult time is to let the people in your life know that you care.  We’ve all been through a lot, and in doing so, we may feel disconnected.  People often turn inward and withdraw through tough times.  Rebuilding connections is a way to open up the flow of positive feelings and rekindle community.  Let people know how they mattered to you in the past year and recommit to this gratitude for the upcoming times.  Showing up for people is a way to focus on what matters that we can control. Maybe set up some structured meeting times to build back withered relationships. A weekly walk or a monthly dinner. Having set times is a way to commit to connections we may have drifted from.

Be of service in some way.  Difficult times tend to make us feel helpless and paralyzed.  Finding a way to reach out and be of help to others can rekindle our hope and our feeling of meaning.  Nothing empowers people more than finding a way to give that is tangible and results oriented.  In doing so, we tend to be surrounded by others who are positive and giving as well.  It makes us feel a little better about the state of the world to be a part of something good.

Remember what was lost during the pandemic lock down and don’t take it for granted.  It’s easy to forget how we once longed for things we now have available. We may have forgotten our appreciation as we became disturbed by new stressors.  Our ability to be together, to attend rituals and family events, to socialize and visit people in the hospital was once taken away from us (and for some still is a challenge).  Recommit to gratitude for the everyday things we can continue to engage in.

And last but not least, a great tip to move forward from a tough year is to do something new!  What have you wanted to do but held back from?  Is there something on your bucket list that would bring some excitement and a fresh sense of purpose?  When life feels out of control, we can gain some control by taking action.  Don’t wait for someone else to do something to make you feel better or fix things.  Snap into action in the ways that will enhance your life and bring you some joy.

It’s so easy to get depressed when you feel life’s hit you hard with one bad thing after another.  And, it’s true, last year was bruising.  But, sorry, Shaboozy, though I sing your song with gusto in the car, sitting around at the bar just waiting for “some good news” is not going to be enough.  Sometimes, you just have to go out and create the good news you’re needing!

At this time of year our schedules get crazy, our finances get stretched, and, if you’re like me, your diet is full of delicious but sugary treats (thanks for the toffee, Janet!)  Like a volcano, the pressure builds and builds until we erupt.  Unfortunately, when we do blow, our expressed frustration tends to be directed not at the people who deserve it the most, but at the people we feel safest with.  So as we gather for extended family celebrations and holiday work parties, I thought today might be a good reminder of the dangers of displaced anger and how to prevent ourselves from doing and saying things we’ll later regret.  

Sometimes we lash out at people close to us simply because they’re literally close to us.  They’re convenient targets at the checkout stand or near the kitchen sink.  Ever have your partner lash out at you as they walk through the door?  They needed someone to rant to and – there you were.  But proximity is not the only factor, as they were standing near their boss only moments before.  The fact is, sometimes we lash out at people because they love us enough to put up with it or because they are in a more vulnerable position, such as being a child, a service worker, or even a pet, and feel they have to put up with us.  Our behaviors at that point are driven more by opportunity than morality.  

Displaced anger most often stems from underlying stress, insecurity, or unresolved conflict.  Sometimes people lash out without even realizing they’re doing so, as anger can be a powerful emotion that comes on quickly.  But so often the person who strikes out feels a relief from the discharge of anger, but now transfers their distress to the other person.  Patterns of displaced anger can really damage relationships and erode trust between people.

The good news is that intentional awareness is a really helpful tool with the problem of displaced anger.  By recognizing our feelings and the need to express them, we can take ownership and find ways to express our anger in non-destructive ways.  Often the people we care about are happy to hear about what we’re angry about, they just don’t want to be the scapegoat for our anger.  It’s a very different experience to have someone share about their anger than be the recipient of it.  In the first situation we can join in and be on their side.  In the other, we’re put in the place of being on the opposite side and are set up for a conflict we didn’t ask for.

It’s also important to know when you’re not able to control yourself.  If breathing or counting to ten isn’t going to do the trick, it might be best to do some physical activity or take a time out before you talk to someone.  In fact, sometimes an angry outburst can be a way of creating distance.  What we really needed was some space, but to get it, we acted out rather than took responsibility for ourselves.  Often anger stems from feelings of being hurt, helpless, or in a situation we can’t control or where we feel vulnerable.  We lash out at someone as a way of asserting and regaining our sense of power with someone with whom it feels safe to do so.  But we do this at someone else’s expense and ultimately, at our own expense, because we become a person we actually would prefer not to be. Ironically, shame is a common trigger for angry overreactions.  But it only feeds into guilty feelings and a sense that we’re bad or wrong.

It’s surprising to people I work with who have a tendency to displace their anger that I talk about the issue in terms of self care.  Because ultimately, it really is about caring for our own feelings by acknowledging what’s wrong and finding a healthy way to express it.  Taking responsibility for how we handle our anger makes us feel better about ourselves and allows people to feel close to us, even when we’re hurting.  And when we’re hurting is exactly the time we need it!  With the darkness of winter, the pressures that can come with holidays, and the heaviness of overindulging, it’s natural to feel out of sorts.  Just remember what Santa believes.  We all have the power within us to be naughty or nice.

Last year, when we were fortunate to have my nephews with us for Thanksgiving, I made up a little game.  I had slips of paper with ordinary items, such as “onion”, “pencil”, “baseball cap”, “bus”, or “deodorant” on it. The challenge was to pick a slip and talk about why you’re grateful for this item.  Completing one minute gave you one point, and two minutes was two points.  While the game gave us a lot of good laughs (thanks Eli and Leo), it also brought a bit of awareness to the wonder and beauty of even the simplest of things.  While we tend to give thanks to the big picture items, as of course we should, it’s sometimes worth acknowledging the things we often take for granted.  Cultivating gratitude is an important step to feeling happy, and today’s post will hopefully inspire you to the many varied types of gratitude we can be more aware of. 

There is a lot of research evidence over the past decade indicating that people who count their blessings are happier and less depressed.  Recently, studies looking at people who were already depressed or experiencing mental health issues also benefited from activities that were designed to bring emotions of gratitude. Research using MRI imaging shows lasting brain changes when people engage in gratitude practices.  As one researcher, Martin Seligman put it:   “Gratitude is all about recognizing the good things in your life.  It can have a powerful role in your health and well being.  The good news is that practicing gratitude isn’t difficult; just setting aside a few minutes each day to focus on the good things that happened and what you’re thankful for.”

Another researcher focused on gratitude, Joel Wong, made a list of questions to be used as prompts to help people in the practice of gratitude journaling. I found it interesting to see the range of different types of gratitude, some I had never thought about before. 

Micro Gratitude:  Refers to appreciating small everyday moments and details in life.  Examples may be a warm cup of coffee, a simple kind word from a stranger, or a pretty sunset.  Micro Gratitude is good for helping with mindfulness, being more present and aware of little joys in daily life.

Examples of Micro Gratitude Questions:

1. What went well this week? 

2. What are some simple, potentially mundane things that contribute to my wellbeing?

3. What are some good things in my life that I’ve taken for granted?

4. What are some things in my home that give me with a sense of comfort? 

5. What do I like about the chair or table that I’m currently using?

7. What do I like about my office/classroom? 

8. What do I like about the neighborhood I live in?

9. What is my favorite place in town?

Macro Gratitude:  Refers to appreciating the big life events and achievements or big picture items.  Some examples include graduation, getting married, or overcoming a big challenge.  Macro gratitude helps give us perspective about life and underscore our resilience and strengths.  

Examples of Macro Gratitude Questions:

1. [Think about the major events in your life] What am I most grateful for in these events? 

2. [Think about a turning point in your life] What am I most grateful for in this event? 

3. Who or what changed my life for the better?

4. What aspect of my past has prepared me well to handle my current or future challenges? 

5. What is something bad that could have happened but didn’t happen in my life? 

6. Which childhood event in my life contributed positively to my current life? 

7. Which event during my adolescence contributed positively to my current life?

8. Who has had the most positive influence on my life? 

9. In what ways is my life a gift? In what ways have I experienced grace (undeserved favor) from life, others, or a higher power?

Interpersonal Gratitude:  Refers to feelings of thankfulness or appreciation directed towards another person, specifically when they have performed an act or provided support highlighting gratitude within relationships.  This type of gratitude can strengthen bonds and develop a sense of community.  Examples include thanking a friend for listening to your problems, telling your partner how much you appreciate them, or acknowledging the support of a colleague on a project.

Examples of Interpersonal Gratitude Questions:

1. Which of my teachers/mentors contributed positively to my life?

2. Who puts a smile on my face?

3. Who makes me laugh? 

4. Who do I enjoy hanging out with?

5. Who appreciates me? 

6. Who makes me feel like I truly matter?

7. In what ways do my family members make my life easier?

8. In what ways have my family members made me a better person? 

9. In what ways were my parents positive role models? 

Redemptive Gratitude:  Refers to the act of finding positive aspects and lessons within a difficult or challenging experience essentially “redeeming” the situation by focusing on the good that can be gained, even amidst the hardship.  It’s about being thankful for the growth and transformation that can arise from adversity.  This may include looking for silver linings and gaining a long term perspective that helped build skills and abilities to get you through.  Examples include finding a new career path after losing a job, finding a new community after relocating, or developing better self care after a health crisis.

Examples of Redemptive Gratitude Questions: (thinking about a particularly stressful life experience)

1. In what ways is my life better now? What have I learned to appreciate as a result of this stressful experience? 

2. What challenges did I overcome? 

3. How have I grown as a person or what character strengths did I develop as a result of this stressful experience?

4. In what ways is my life more meaningful because of this stressful experience?

5. Who supported me during this stressful experience?

6. In what ways have I experienced physical, emotional and/or spiritual healing? 

Cultural Gratitude:  Refers to the practice of acknowledging and appreciating the contributions, values, and traditions of different cultures going beyond simply saying “thank you” by gaining a deeper understanding and respect for differing perspectives and practices within a community or society.  Essentially it means appreciating the unique aspects of a culture and its collective contributions and developing sensitivity to rituals, gestures, and customs of this community.  Cultural gratitude promotes tolerance, reduces prejudice or misunderstanding, and promotes inclusivity and a sense of belonging.  Culture” and “cultural group” is broadly defined as any group you belong to that has shared values, beliefs, practices, and traditions. Examples include taking the time to understand and appreciate the celebrations and symbols of a cultural practice, recognizing the historical contributions of different cultures in art, food, language or technology.  

Examples of Cultural Gratitude Questions:

1. What aspects of my culture am I proud of? 

2. What aspects of my culture has made me a better or stronger person?

3. In what ways have my culture been a source of strength for me? 

4. In what ways have my cultural group contributed to society? 

5. Who in my culture do I admire or is a role model? (This could be someone you personally know or a historical figure.) 

Gratitude Savoring:  refers to the practice of intentionally focusing on and appreciating positive experiences in the present moment, essentially the act of ‘savoring” (fully engaging with a positive experience) with a mindset of gratitude, where you actively acknowledge and appreciate good things in your life  by paying close attention. Examples include taking a walk in nature while noticing the smells, sights and sounds or fully appreciating a meal by taking slow bites and recognizing the ingredients and preparation efforts to create the meal.

Examples of Gratitude Savoring Questions:

1. What do I enjoy about the food/beverage I eat/drink? 

2. What do I appreciate about the view outside the window of my home/office? 

3. What do I enjoy about the physical surroundings near my home? 

4.What do I enjoy about the music I listen to? 

5. [Look at a photograph you recently took] What do I appreciate about the things or people in the photograph? 

I’m thinking right about now, that I’m really grateful for gratitude.  It’s no small thing that we have the capacity to take a step back from our experience and find the beauty in it. It’s a gift that we can give ourselves and share with others.  We can also develop a relationship in a spiritual sense when we cultivate gratitude.  How amazing to have such a powerful tool always at the ready and available. 

In fact, I think of that little game I played with my family pretty frequently.  Sometimes when I’m stressed or anxious, I simply look around me and begin to engage with my environment, looking for the positive.  If you wanted to, you could actually spend your entire day being amazed.  Eating breakfast – what a helpful thing a bowl is!  Driving to work – my car is an amazing technological feat!  The garden outside my office building has such greenery and it’s so nice to have staff who volunteer to take care of it.  Wow, my standing desk, isn’t that just a fantastic addition!  One can go on and on and on.  There is no lack of opportunity to be thankful for something, it just takes the intention to notice. And, wow, just how great is that! 

It’s often said that hope is the antidote to despair.  But how do we find hope in the midst of despair, when all feels lost and the sense that nothing will ever change looms over us?  I did some reading about hope and how to cultivate it.  Fortunately, what I found was…hopeful.  In fact,  hope is not just wishful thinking, but it’s a state of mind that can actually be learned and cultivated.

There are three main components to Snyder’s Hope Theory.  First is the goal, or object of a person’s ambition or desire.  Goals anchor our hope in a certain direction.  The second component are pathways, or a route that leads toward achieving the goal.  This also includes a plan for managing and overcoming obstacles that may get in our way.  The more pathways we have, the more attainable our  goal seems.  And the third component is agency.  This refers to whether a person thinks they can actually follow their pathway, in short, a belief that “I can do it.”

In Snyder’s model, cognition brings out emotion.  People who are able to generate realistic ways to reach their goals are more likely to feel optimistic, energetic, and maybe even excited.  On the other hand, if we can’t find a plausible way to reach a goal, we’ll feel pessimistic, gloomy, and frustrated.  Emotions, in Hope Theory, are what drive our motivation and problem solving abilities that help us push past what may be getting in the way.  You can see how this would create a feedback loop of “possibility moving toward success” or “frustration landing in helplessness”.  High hope people tend to have higher levels of overall well being.  They report feeling better physically, more resilient to setbacks, and more socially connected.  They also report a higher sense of purpose and meaning.  

Okay, I hope I’ve sold you on the benefits of hopefulness in order to motivate those who are despairing not to give up. Especially when things feel most dire, when we’ve experienced defeats that are truly beyond  our control, it’s so easy to lose hope, clouding our ability to see a path forward  or feel a sense of agency.  But Hope Theory suggests that despite our circumstances, through our struggle, we can find a way to move beyond the despair into productive action through intentional engagement with our mindset. 

Some strategies cited by Snyder may be of help.  Recommit to your goal.  It may require some adjustment to what the long term outcome may be, but setting sights on your priority will help to guide you.  In addition, it helps to have a shorter term objective that will be achievable before the long term goal.  It serves to keep  you on track and feeling positive.  Small actions can reignite our agency. As Brene Brown writes, she responds to despair by “micro-dosing hope.” Another strategy is to put an emphasis on your strengths.  What is it that works best for you?  What has led to success in the past?  This will help with your agency.  Another important strategy is to connect with others.  Finding support and camaraderie can make a big difference in maintaining resilience and creating positive emotions.  Maybe I can’t do it, but we can.  Putting like minds together can lead to the creation of pathways that may not have been available when we are on our own.

 When we face a big setback, it’s normal and healthy to experience feelings of fear or disappointment.  Trying to deny them or push them aside will only serve as a way of disenfranchising us from our ambition and energy.  It helps to remember that despair comes from experiencing the loss of something that matters to us.  Caring involves vulnerability, and so we need to be careful with our hearts when we embrace someone or something we believe in.  It’s important to honor the intention and the efforts we made, allowing ourselves to mourn the possibility we had hoped for.  But we cannot let it paralyze us or hold us back from embracing the desire for something better.  We need to stay in our humanity, even if it involves the risk of getting hurt.  Hope theory is a way to reactivate our intentions and commitments when we feel helpless.  It offers a roadmap to take control through an internal shift that is always available to us if we work at it.  

I hope this helps.