When a fear of change becomes so intense, it’s called metathesiophobia.  In this condition, persistent unrealistic and intense anxiety is felt whenever facing a new situation or experience.  And if you’re thinking at this moment that this describes you, you’re not alone.  In fact, everyone experiences a fear of change to some degree, even when change is positive.  In today’s post, I want to give a pep talk, of sorts, to help us all cope a little better with the stress of change.

Whenever there’s change, even ones we choose or desire, there will be stress.  Change brings about uncertainty and unpredictability, both states that usually bring us creatures of habit (all rational human beings) discomfort.  Change usually brings up our own self doubt and a sense of vulnerability.  It pushes us out of our comfort zones and into the realm of the unknown.  Depending on your biology and your history, some people find change more frightening than others.  But avoiding change can lead to a limited life, staying in unfulfilling, even toxic situations, when we yearn to have better.  And this can become a vicious cycle.  The desire for but inability to make a change can further erode our confidence and lead to more distress.

Making peace with change is essential for healthy living.  Change is inevitable and is the very nature of life.  If we view change as a threat, we live in fear.  But if we view change as an opportunity for growth, we can add an element of excitement to the process of living.  But opening to change requires tolerating pain.  Yes, I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true.  No evolution or growth happens without periods of change, and change will challenge our needs for safety, comfort, and predictability.  But the truth is, if you look closely, you’re an expert at change. You’ve been doing it well ever since you were born.  Every birthday that comes along, every gift of a new day, has come with change.  You are far from the same person you were as a child and as a teen.  You have endured transitions and graduations, layers of losses and first days of so many, many new things.  But we forget our successes as we look to the future. When we fear change, we get distracted by the potential for pain.  We become so focused on avoiding failure, embarrassment, or making a mistake, we miss out on the excitement and potential for growing into a change. 

So how do we cope and put the fear and discomfort aside?  One step is to prepare yourself as much as possible to reduce the unknown.  Do whatever research you can and plan ahead as best as is possible.  Another tool is to remind yourself of changes that have gone well in the past and how you achieved them.  Monitoring your thinking will also be important. Watch for negative self talk and unrealistic “what if” thinking. There is a difference between rehearsing and preparing and overthinking and over worrying.  Make sure you are envisioning success just as much as preparing for failure.  And have a support team.  Staying alone in your own thoughts can be scary.  Have some people you trust who can be your cheerleaders and who can be excited with you as you take steps in your process of change.

And a last bit of sage coping advice?  There is a mantra that is common in helping people deal with anxiety about change, based on many years of collective wisdom from psychologists, monks, wellness gurus, and sometimes even your teenager. It can be used in all circumstances and at any age.  Here it is:  take a big sigh and say the words “Oh, well.”

Whatever happens, you will move on.  Change requires courage just as much in doing something as it does in letting go.  You cannot predict what will happen, you cannot guarantee an outcome.  All you can do is have faith that whatever happens, whether it is a surge of success or a miserable failure, that you will get through it and learn from it.  Regardless of the outcome, you took a risk, gathered up the courage and tried something new.  And what most people find is that regardless of how a change works out, your life will be more exciting and ultimately more rewarding than living in a sameness shackled by the fear of change.  And who really wants to pronounce metathesiophobia, anyhow?

With the layers of stress caused by the constant changes during this pandemic, all of us are a bit on edge.  There was even an article in the New York Times about a man in his 60’s having a “temper tantrum” when he couldn’t find his favorite cheese at the grocery store.  So many of us are losing our cool, lashing out in anger, and melting into unflattering behavior. It’s embarrassing when it happens to us, and a bit shocking when we witness it in someone else.  But given the reality of how often it’s been happening, I thought this would be a good time to apply the iceberg theory in psychology.

When traveling in a ship and looking at an  iceberg in the distance, you only see the ice that’s sticking out of the water. What you can’t see is the larger mass of ice hidden below the surface that maintains the iceberg and keeps it solid.   It’s easy to be deceived by the naked eye and to rely too much on what is obvious and in front of us.  But often we risk missing the truth about something because we don’t look at what lies deeper that is critical to our full understanding.  

When someone yells at us or lashes out, their behavior is so shocking and provocative, we tend to focus on our own reaction to it.  We feel angered in response, often out of a sense of feeling blamed or scapegoated unfairly.  But lashing back, as natural as it may feel, tends to only prolong and escalate the tension.  And it ignores the larger foundation of information and feelings that lie underneath.  Using the metaphor of the iceberg can help us step back and interpret a behavior in a less reactive way, reducing conflict rather than crashing straight into it and potentially sinking our ship.

What we see as behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  And usually what we see is a reaction from a threatened fight or flight reaction.  Throwing something, yelling, or insulting someone are all examples of a fight response.  Running off, slamming a door as you leave, or withdrawing in silence are flight responses.  Either way, these reactions tend to be the tip of the iceberg in what we see, but we don’t have the information to know  what was behind it.   Most often if we have the time and the inclination to look underneath the reactive behavior,  there is a much larger and more complex array of feelings going on.  These may include feeling hurt, feeling scared or worried, being ashamed, being jealous, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, or feeling disappointed.  

Very often, anger is what we see at the tip of an iceberg.  Why is that?  Because anger tends to be an emotion we can display without much vulnerability.  When we are acting out in anger, we feel powerful and in control, even if we are actually out of control.  We can do it anywhere and with anyone.  Most often, to show our more vulnerable emotions, we need to feel safe and in the context of a caring relationship.  An angry outburst is a quick way to discharge energy and defend ourselves against what feels to be the threat.  Sharing our hurt and shame requires understanding and a letting go of our protection.

By visualizing an iceberg when we experience ourselves engaging in rude or lashing out behavior, we  can remind ourselves there is more to deal with underneath.  By visualizing it when someone else is being rude or acting out in some way, we can have more compassion and patience by reminding ourselves there is more to the story.  Whatever the behavior in the moment, what we witness is just the tip of the iceberg.  Jumping to conclusions causes us to miss a potentially important and larger foundation to someone’s situation.  Not that we should allow rude or aggressive behavior without consequence, but sometimes, having compassion and understanding can de-escalate anger and help someone reengage with their more reasonable self.  Once someone is calm, then the discussion about the impact of their behavior can be more fruitful.  Using a soothing voice and offering understanding can be more effective in helping someone in calming down.  The less threatening you can be, the easier it will be for the other person to feel their vulnerability.  If they ask to be alone, respect that, and stay on the periphery until they feel ready.  

With all of us locked in and spending more time together, especially under stress, we’re tending to build up our icy  cold ways that can be dangerous to intimacy and compassion.  If we can use the concept of an iceberg to broaden our understanding beyond what is on display as the tip of the iceberg, we can work through our conflicts with better effectiveness.  The best way to avoid an iceberg’s sharp edges  and treacherous danger?  Use your warmth to melt it!

In my last post, based on my lovely snow globe, I shared the inspiration about the need to shake things up now and then.  Two weeks later, again I turn to the snow globe for inspiration – but this time about the need to have things settle down again.  After the whirling and swirling of unpredictable activity and motion, it’s nice to experience the calming effect of a gentle return to normal. Watching the glittery white dots drift softly to rest in my little winter world is reassuringly comforting.

After two weeks of eating what I normally don’t eat and sleeping and waking at times I don’t usually do, my body is reacting in some unpleasant ways. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been wonderful to have time out from work to spend with my daughters, who have both been home.  But compounding the break from my routine with some family members testing positive for covid, some anxious scouring of pharmacies for home tests, and a long wait in the cold rain for a PCR test, it has certainly been an unpredictable time in unpredictable ways.  Uncertainty is tiring and stressful.  Even if it’s for good things, like celebrations with people I love, and negative test results, change is taxing. There is something about the return to normalcy after the holiday season that feels good.  Having a schedule to count on helps me get back to feeling a sense of control and order.  My body seems to appreciate it as well, as I get back to regular exercise and healthier eating overall. It certainly reminds me that predictability and structure are important foundations to mental health and overall wellness.

With almost  three years of waiting for the world to get back to normal, it’s no wonder we are experiencing a mental health crisis. We have been through so much uncertainty in large and small ways, living with a constant stream of unpredictability; if we have work at all, where we will be working, who we can be with and where we can be.  It’s been extremely isolating and stressful.  Based on the waitlist at my clinic for mental health services, I can attest to an epidemic of anxiety as a result.  To be honest, who I fear for most is our young people.  Many students who had social anxiety at a mild level have really suffered from not going to school.  Going back in person has been overwhelming and overstimulating for them.  Many are not able to do so, missing credits and failing classes.  I have spoken to several school counselors who are unable to meet the demand for services to address the level of need.  I am seeing children and teens falling through cracks made so wide, I worry it is swallowing up a whole generation.  Parents are so stressed and preoccupied, not knowing what they can do or how to be of help.  Everyone is longing for a way to feel normal.  

But the uncertainty is ongoing.  With variants emerging, and with them the necessary changes to policies, it’s so very hard to keep up.  And for me, there is the ever floating anxiety in the buzz about things “never going back to the way they were before.”  What does that mean? In my field, the shift to telehealth is shattering all the ways we have been trained to engage in our work, upending everything we knew in sudden and untested ways.  Online therapy, texting through an app, and email therapy are all advertised options now with unproven results or oversight.  Maybe I’m too old school, but I do believe the value of relationships is being diminished in a world of technology gone wild.  While I so appreciate the value of having these options during a pandemic, I do believe the lasting effect may be the diminishment of interpersonal relating and intimacy.  I am certain this is also a large contributing factor to the outbreak of overwhelming numbers of people experiencing mental health problems.  Loneliness is toxic.

So maybe waiting for a return to normalcy is not a strategy that is realistic or helpful at this time.  But I do remind myself that returning to normal in the ways we can is a necessary and important coping tool.  “Back to the basics” is what we therapists often rely on when all else is out of control.  Returning to a regular sleep schedule, making sure you get out to walk or move in some way each day, and eating regular healthy food is a foundation for all other health.  It is also imperative at this time to talk to people!  If you can meet in person in a safe way, make it happen.  If you can only zoom or facetime, that is better than nothing.  Try to schedule something on a regular basis to provide structure and have something to count on. Even a game night every Friday or Taco Tuesday with your kids. And if you don’t have those people in your life, see how you can connect to someone new in some way, either joining a group using meetup.com, or volunteering somewhere.  Human contact is a vital and protective measure.

Perhaps we cannot control when and how this pandemic will change our future, but for now, we do need to find some calm amid the storm.  Our globe has been shaken, but we can help one another and ourselves by creating moments and routines that will allow the swirling whirl to settle.  Eat a nice meal, put on some soothing music or a funny movie, and hold tight to those you love.  Create your own little world of serenity in which you can safely shelter together.

The inspiration for this post is a lovely gift my sister in law got us for the holiday, a snow globe.  This lovely glass ball has a serene idyllic winter scene inside, with barren birch trees rooted in a light layer of fallen white snow.  But when you pick it up and give it a shake, the globe comes to life with sparkling glitter, creating the movement and wonder of a magical swirling snow storm.  It never fails to bring a smile to my face, watching the transformation from the stillness of a deadened winter day to an active and vibrant holiday spectacle.

It got me thinking about the act of shaking things up.  What a great metaphor as we head into the winter solstice and the New Year.  So many people find themselves in the doldrums, eating and sleeping like a bear transitioning to hibernation.  We get lulled in our routines and stuck in the boredom of each day feeling like the next, passively waiting for Spring.  But what if we could do something different now?

Unfortunately when most people feel stuck in a rut, they feel they have to make big changes, with drastic consequences.  These are usually expensive and difficult, leaving us feeling denied or stuck in dreariness as we “come to our senses.”  But not all change has to be so big and drastic in order to add a little bit of spice to our lives.  Experts often find that even small little changes or actions can expand our horizons, increase our energy, and spark a sense of newness and wonder that leads to a creativity spark and a sense of renewal.   

After an extensive review of the literature (ok, a few clicks on a google search), I have compiled a list of some ideas to consider giving a try:

–Ask a person you don’t know very well to coffee or lunch.  For us introverts, this can seem daunting, but it can open up a new relationship and new conversations, expanding your world or at least your comfort zone

-Re-arrange your furniture.  Sometimes, just shifting your existing space can make it feel new and fresh, orienting you to new views and perspectives

-Alter your schedule.  By waking up early if you tend to sleep late, or vice versa, or even shifting the order of when you do what, you can get a new sense of energy in an old activity.  Go for your walk in the brisk light of morning instead of doing it after a long day of work, for example.

–Take a class or try a new activity.  There is so much DIY online, with little need to commit your time or supplies. Make a new cocktail or try to make soap, and then share it with your friends.

–Test drive a fun car.  Have a thrill and take it for a spin.

-Plan an outing to a nearby destination.  How often do out-of-town guests discover something right in our own backyard they found in a travel blog? Try looking at your own town through the eyes of a visitor.

–Talk to strangers.  While standing on line at the store or checking your mail, ask someone how their day is or compliment their clothing.  Engaging with people around us stimulates a bit of freshness in stale activities.

-Perform a Random Act of Kindness.  I know it sounds cliche, but bringing someone flowers or paying the toll of the car behind can bring a little boost of adrenaline and endorphins to your brain.  It literally gives you a high!

-Contact an old friend.  Sometimes an old friend can bring back a new feeling of connection.

-Swap things with someone else.  We can get bored with our own dishes or sweaters. Hosting a clothing or any kind of item swap can bring some laughs.  Someone else’s old thing is our new thing.

-Try a different route.  When we drive the same way to the same places all the time, we stop looking.  Plan a little extra time and take a new route.  You will notice more and maybe discover something new.

Okay, okay, you get the idea.  None of these ideas are earth shattering (but they also won’t cause others to think you’re experiencing a mid-life crisis, either).  But they are all activities that, with just a little effort, in some way promote a sense of newness or an opportunity to rediscover from a new perspective what is already there.  But isn’t that the secret of the snow globe?  No shattering is necessary to bring on the magic,  just a good shake.

At this time of year, most people, especially women, are focusing on all the gifts to be given to make friends, family, and co-workers feel appreciated.  We write cards, bake, and have a constant eye out for someone we may have missed in our calculations and lists.  Did I forget my daughter’s coach or my son’s tutor?  Do I need to get a gift for my mother’s caregiver or a support person?  I love how this process helps us notice the many people in our lives and all the ways we are a part of an interdependent caring community.  But there is usually one person we tend to neglect and it may be the most important gift of all…ourselves. Holiday season is the time a gift of self caring may be what we need the most.

Let me give you my personal example that inspired this post. I am a planner.  I make lists, lists of my lists, and have more than one calendar.  (Yes, it’s true.)  Ok, I’m a bit of an obsessive, needing to feel a sense of control having written everything down and knowing what is coming in the days and weeks ahead.  Even on my day’s’ off, I have a plan, filling the day with activities. But inside, lately, there is this little voice that speaks to me wishing for a day with absolutely no plan.  What would it be like to stay in bed as long as I like and have absolutely nothing to do all day?  The truth is, it’s been quite possible. I do have days off and my kids are now grown.  I could do it.  But the key has been that I haven’t given myself permission to do it as it feels too indulgent.

Is there a little voice inside your head wishing for something?  For some people the voice is screaming loudly, but for others it may be a faint whisper easy to miss.  Like me, it may make you uncomfortable.  The first step is to keep an ear out for it.  Like you do for everyone else, listen for a clue of something you are wanting or needing.  It may not come as a conscious thought, it may be a passing sensation, daydream, or even a feeling of envy for what someone else may be doing.  (Ok, for me, it was a judgmental thought of “It must be nice for those people who have nothing to do.”)  You can’t fulfill your desire until you know what it may be and give it space to be heard.

To get you started, here are some themes for what to listen for.  One theme is a need or desire to learn about yourself or acquire a new skill.  Sometimes there’s a secret urge to try something, but we worry about failing or looking silly. We let the potential of embarrassment or shame get in the way of taking a risk to expand ourselves in some way.  Is there a little voice longing to take a voice lesson when you sing in the shower?  A feeling of wanting to join a group to hear other’s perspectives of people who have been through a similar experience?  Especially as adults, we often ignore our own need for support or guidance or the chance to be a beginner.

Another theme is peace of mind or permission to let go of something, even just temporarily.  Sometimes we worry and ruminate about something with a belief that if we don’t focus on it, something worse will happen.  For example, someone I work with feels so guilty about a past mistake she reminds herself of it most every day.  In talking about it, she realized that she worries if she were to allow herself to stop thinking about it, it meant she didn’t care that she hurt someone.  Giving herself permission to forgive herself and trust she had learned from her experience was a liberating and loving thing to do.

And of course another big theme is time.  How many times do you find yourself saying, “someday, when I have time, I’d like to…”  When and where on the calendar is “some day”?  If you’ve found it, let me know.  I keep thinking the following year will have my “some day,” but it doesn’t seem to appear.  Certainly we don’t have the time for all of our goals, but what are the ones most important to you?  Is there a recurring idea that might really make a difference in your quality of life if “some day” was scheduled now? 

The fact is, the biggest barriers to our secret desires are usually of our own making.  Frequently it’s an old belief or judgment that is threatened by our move to change in some way. So this is where holiday indulgence comes in.  Give yourself the gift to say it out loud and do it!  Start with just one thing this giving season.  Try it on and see how it feels.  “Just this once” is still very much under control, with no need to worry about it becoming a selfish way of life.  But maybe, just maybe, it may become an important habit to allow yourself something every once and while.  And if you need my help, I will be there.  Just make sure it’s not on my day of doing nothing. But don’t worry, I am sure I can plan around it!

I’ve been noticing the theme of letting go recently and am reminded that every year around this time it becomes a focus for many people.  Perhaps it’s the sense of closing down that accompanies the change of seasons, with darkened skies and leaves falling all around us, that leads us to think about closure.  Or perhaps it’s the pending arrival of a New Year that makes us think about endings as we say goodbye to another year and prepare for a new one.  But letting go is an important process in healthy living and with Thanksgiving arriving, it can also be a path to making space for gratitude.

When we make a choice to let go of something, whether a relationship, a job, or any situation that doesn’t serve us anymore, we consciously create and formalize its end point.  We take active steps to withdraw our energy from investing any more thoughts or emotions into trying to keep something going that is no longer, or may never really have been, satisfying.  It’s a way of releasing what hasn’t been working for us and giving ourselves permission to move on.  For many people, letting go may be a recognition that something isn’t able to be fixed or mended.  Or that a person in a relationship isn’t able to change.  Whatever the history, letting go is an act of release and can open space in our lives and grant us freedom.

What many people find is that while there’s a strong element of grief in letting go, the most overriding feeling is relief.  When we let go of something that’s been a struggle, we also can let go of the resentments, anger, and bitterness we’ve been holding on to.   By clearing out what has been preoccupying us we are open to new relationships and new feelings.  We feel lighter and less burdened.  Letting go is like a psychic exhale allowing us to relax and be in the present moment.  In doing so, we create the clarity and peace to appreciate the good things we have and the abundance in our lives that may have been clouded over by our negative preoccupatons. 

Whether it’s letting go of self judgments, an old role in your family, expecting your Uncle Joe to stay sober,  or hoping your football team will win (I let go, NY Giants …until next year), I hope this Thanksgiving holiday you are freed up to fully experience the beauty you have around you and create the memories you want to keep. In making space for new expectations, turkey and pie may not be the only thing you fill up with!

After changing the clocks and heading into the holiday season, many people get nervous about falling back into some familiar habits they’ve worked hard to avoid.  It’s easy to eat more, drink more, spend more money, play more video games, in fact, do more of any of the quick comfort behaviors that ease our tension when it’s dark and cold outside. So today I want to share a tool that is quick to do, but actually powerful to use.

Judith Beck, daughter of Aaron Beck, has continued to develop her father’s work in the area of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on the connection between our thoughts and our behaviors.  Throughout our day we come across situations that act as triggers.  These triggers can be a situation (having someone cancel a plan we had), an emotion (feeling lonely), or a time of day (after work) that make us want to eat or smoke or binge watch another tv show.  These responses over time often become automatic, and we lose our sense of control over them.  We feel helpless to them.  According to the Becks, this helplessness comes from the negative thoughts we have that become a conditioned response.  We “sabotage” ourselves with thoughts that we believe to be true, such as “I can’t change,” “I’m too weak to stop,” “I deserve this,” or “I’ll have this today and start tomorrow.”  

What Beck encourages people to do is to identify these sabotaging thoughts and challenge them.  In doing so, we create a gap between the trigger and the response and offer ourselves an opportunity to alter our behavior in ways that we feel better about.  For example, you get home and head to the refrigerator, thinking “I’ve worked hard today and I’m so hungry.” Normally you would begin eating whatever you could find in the refrigerator standing at the counter.  Then you cook dinner and by the time you eat it you feel overly full and upset with yourself that you ate too much and feel uncomfortable.  Each night you come home you tell yourself you’re not going to do this again, but then when the time comes, you end up eating, telling yourself you are “too weak to change,” you “deserve the cookie,” or “I’ll eat less later.”  All of these thoughts undermine your efforts at eating healthy and end up shattering your confidence and efforts.

One of the most effective ways, Beck’s research has shown, to challenge these sabotaging thoughts, is to remember our motivations.  When we are tired, bored, lonely, or hungry, or any time we face a trigger that we have felt powerless over, we lose sight of our motivations.  We forget why we need to stay on track with our new habit and give ourselves an excuse to do what we have always done.  Whether it’s telling yourself you can’t be successful, or that this one time is ok, the desire to engage in the behavior overshadows the motivations that lead to change.  Remembering our motivations can serve as a strong deterrent to negative sabotaging thoughts.  

So, the tool, you may be asking?  It’s as simple as a 3 X 5 card.  Beck calls them “Advantages Response Cards.” It’s as simple as writing down on the card your most powerful motivations for wanting to make the change desired.  It may include wanting to be healthier, having more self respect, decreasing your sugar levels, feeling more in control, being more available to your family, etc.  Whatever gets to the heart of the reasons you are wanting to make the change, write them down.  Then, and this is the important part, read them at least twice a day.  Tuck your card in a place you will remember to read it and choose times that will be most effective for preventing sabotage.  For example, you might put a card on the seat of your car to read when you get home from work, before you walk in your door.  Or after dinner, if you tend to have a cigarette then.  You should also read them at times when you are struggling with a trigger you did not expect or when you encounter a low point in your day.

By reading your card, your mindset tends to shift between the reasons to do the behavior (because I’m weak, I deserve it, I can’t resist) to the reasons you don’t want to do the behavior.  It reminds you that you have a choice and that actually NOT doing the behavior will feel better overall than doing the behavior.  It puts you back in touch with your rational mind that does have control and can make healthy decisions.  You may be thinking, “I don’t need to make a card, I already know my motivations to change.”  This in itself can be a sabotaging thought, because while you do know your motivation, you tend to lose sight of them when the urges strike in the heat of a moment.  The cards serve as a reminder to bring these motivating thoughts to the forefront, getting you back in touch with the bigger picture. 

A tool is just that, a tool.  It only works when you use it, and it won’t always be what you need to get the job done.  But a tool is meant to be a help in your effort and to make it a bit easier.  Advantages Response Cards are inexpensive, small and easy to carry with you, and can have a lot of power without needing to be plugged in or recharged!  But if you are like me, you may need to make several copies, as losing my tools is a habit I have yet to change.

*** Just as I finished writing this blog, I read that Aaron Beck has passed away at the age of 100. May his memory be for a blessing. Many, many years ago I worked as an undergraduate in the Beck Center for Cognitive Therapy in Philadelphia. Dr. Beck was a kind man and although I didn’t have a lot of interaction with him, he always showed interest in my education.

This past week I attended (or to be more accurate, zoomed) a training funded by a grant my clinic received for treating people with problem gambling.  It was a really interesting topic for me, as to be honest, I wasn’t very aware of the issues related to this type of addiction. Like many, I had a hard time understanding how people could get themselves into such massive debt and, more importantly, how they could deceive their loved ones so repeatedly in order to continue their habit. As I learned, a foundation to treating people with a gambling disorder is understanding shame.  Once a person drawn to gamble experiences losses, they feel embarrassed, and attempt to right the wrong by gambling even more.   Ashamed to admit they’ve been losing, a problem gambler will lie to themselves as well as to others, irrationally believing they can make everything ok if they just can hit the big one (known as chasing losses).  In this shame avoiding cycle, a gambler is both driven to continue gambling and to hide it from the one they most love.

The role of shame in perpetuating gambling behavior made sense to me.  In my work with many types of problem behavior, shame is often at the root.  But actually, I should clarify, it’s not the shame itself that is the problem, but it’s what we do to avoid feeling shame that’s the problem.  Shame tends to emerge when we feel we are judged negatively and experience humiliation, feel exposed and small, and have that feeling we want to disappear.  As opposed to guilt, in which we recognize we’ve done something wrong and can seek to make amends, with shame, we feel who we are as a person is bad.  Shame makes us direct our focus inward and view our entire self in a negative light, leaving us feeling helpless and unavoidably judged with no chance for redemption.

Research shows that some people are more likely to feel shame, a trait called shame-proneness.  Not surprisingly, people who have low self esteem or who suffer from depression are more likely to experience shame.  Related to this, individuals who have experienced abuse, either in childhood or in a domestic relationship are more prone, as well.  Research supports the notion that, as in gamling disorder, shame is correlated with other psychological disorders, mostly believed to be a way of coping to avoid the experience of shame.  In fact, research shows that people who engage in these avoidant behaviors aren’t actually conscious of the feeling of shame.  It’s only in their efforts to stop the problematic behavior that they uncover the discomfort of the shame that is underlying.

D L Nathanson (1992) developed a model for how people react to shame that often leads to problematic behavior.  These behaviors, while protecting people from feeling the pain, ultimately lead to conflict in relationships.  The model is known as The Compass of Shame and includes four major coping categories that are represented as poles of the compass, each one associated with different feelings, thoughts and, and behaviors.  At the Withdrawal pole, a person acknowledges a negative judgment, accepts the judgment as valid, and tries to withdraw or hide from the situation.  This could include leaving a relationship, isolating, or even dropping out of a class.  At the Attack Self pole, the pattern is to accept the negative judgment as valid and turn the anger inward.  For example, a shamed person might call themselves stupid and do what is needed to gain acceptance by others at the expense of themselves.  In both Withdrawal and Attack the Self poles, the self is found lacking.  At the two other poles, the Attack Others pole and the Avoidance poles, individuals deflect the feeling of shame with no awareness of or acceptance of the negative self judgment or it is seen as not valid.  In Avoidance, people distance themselves through denial or distraction, as in use of substances, gambling, or other numbing behavior.  In the Attack Others pole, people turn their anger outward in blaming others and bolstering their own self esteem by making someone else inferior.

As one might guess, these patterns can be really destructive to healthy relationships.  That’s why it’s so important to identify the underlying discomfort (shame).  Often, working with people who have any sort of addiction or trauma history that leads to destructive patterns involves helping them learn to tolerate the feeling of shame and bring it out into the open.  Once it’s in the light of day, we can work to challenge the assumptions of badness and increase self esteem.  (Research shows those with good self esteem have low shame proneness, not surprising.) 

Being vulnerable is really hard, but especially in a culture such as ours that puts so much value on being successful and not being a “loser.”   It can be so seductive and thrilling to win!  Unfortunately, the odds are forever NOT in our favor (sorry, couldn’t reisist the Hunger Games reference).  Inevitably the house will win in the long run and we will have to face our defeat, both to ourselves and to other people. Yet, the shame can be so powerful, we feel compelled to cover over our shame with lies, risking what is actually most important to us.  As, ultimately, what most people come to find in holding any type of secret, is that the gamble of losing the trust of our loved ones is indeed the worst loss of all!

I have a weekly calendar that sits on my desk which I use to keep track of my daily tasks.  It helps to visually break down my life into just a week at a time, somehow giving me the illusion of control, I suppose.  But almost every Sunday I’m amazed how quickly I find myself tearing off another page as my life just seems to fly by.  And after reading a new book by Oliver Burkeman, I’m even more aware of the passing weeks and how limited my time truly is.

Burkeman has calculated the average lifespan as a mere 4,000 weeks (assuming you live to age 80).  Yes, that’s right, 4,000!  And if you want to blow your mind, calculate, like my husband did, how many of those weeks you have already lived and how many you have left! In doing so, Burkeman, throughout his book, makes the point of how important it is to use our time wisely.  What I love about the book, Four Thousand Weeks Time Management for Mortals, is that he stresses using the time more mindfully, not more “productively.”  He points out that our obsession with busyness and cramming more in a day actually takes away from our enjoyment of life. In reality, the race to do more is actually a way of avoiding making difficult choices and feeling the discomfort of grieving the things we don’t have the time to do.  

I just came back from a trip during which I was lucky enough to see the ancient ruins in Athens, Greece.  In viewing these stone relics, I couldn’t help but take notice of how quickly one civilization built its empire, was conquered, and then was replaced with another. And within each of these eras, just like we do today, the people of that time longed, loved, and created within their own 4,000 weeks.  In looking at the faces of the statues able to be preserved, you can’t help but see yourself.  Take off the robe, give them some skinny jeans and an iphone, and they would fit right in, sitting in a Starbucks today.  And if you pull back to the larger timeline of civilization, we are closer in time to one another than we tend to think.  The first modern humans appeared on the plains 200,000 years ago.  And our planet came into existence 4.54 billion years ago (give or take 50 million years).  And our planet is just one of 400 billion planets in the Milky Way alone.  

The contrast of how short a time we have and how insignificant our lives are in the big picture of the universe can be a useful paradox.  While counting our 4,000 weeks can make us feel pressure to use them profoundly, we can also use this information to relax.  It almost seems silly to think about our 4,000 weeks as much of anything of significance within the long scale of time and the breadth of the universe.   As Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul puts it, remembering that we are just a rock floating in space among billions and billions of other rocks can help us put our worries in perspective. It can help us let go of over valuing what bothers us and lessen its power over us.

Indeed, finding the balance between feeling the significance of our lives and the insignificance of our place in history can be daunting. But in fact, it ‘s also freeing to think about what really matters and allow ourselves to do more of that and less of all the other atuff.  You and only you will know about the real significance of your life, and even then, it will all be gone soon enough.  Instead of rushing around packing your day with more, slowing down and doing less may be a blessing.  We get a brief sliver of time to witness our world and engage in its beauty.  Our 4,000 weeks is truly a gift for us to be a part of this particular moment in history, with all its magnificence and triviality.

Tearing off my weekly page is taking on a spiritual element now.  A big take away from all of my historical contemplation is to not only ask myself “did I get everything done” in the week that just passed, but “was it worth it?”  Did I make the most of how I wanted to use my time?  Oh, and another take away from time spent engaging in history?  If you do want to leave something of yourself that will last well beyond your 4,000 weeks, best to build it out of rock!  

I’m heading off with my husband for a trip to celebrate our 25th anniversary that was canceled and rescheduled from last October.  I have to admit, after such a trying and stressful year, I’m extra happy to celebrate the success of making it to not only our 25th, but to our 26th!  Like many, the isolation and stresses of the past year were a challenge to our relationship.  I wasn’t always the person I wanted to be and certainly did not feel love in the way I wanted, both in giving and receiving it. And so with your indulgence I wanted to share some of my reflections on the truth about “real life love” in the hopes that I can better understand it and with the extra hope that some people may relate as well.

There is the Bible verse (Corinthians 13:4-8) recited at so many weddings that always comes to mind when I think about marriage…”Love is patient, love is kind…”  and how I should be.  But the reality is that I am not patient and not kind, at least a lot of the time.  On good days when I feel balanced and our lives feel under control, I can be very patient and very kind.  But most of the time I’m stressed to some degree, whether by external things or internal insecurities.  How patient and how kind I feel capable of tends to be in direct proportion to these other matters and how well I’m doing with them.  

Love itself is amazing.  When I can focus on it as a pure state, just as the slogans say, it is powerful and all I need.  It’s an energy like nothing else I can ever experience and makes me a better person.  It truly does fill my heart and puts me in a state of awe.  It guides me to make good choices and to put others before myself in a way that provides meaning and purpose to my life. It fills me up with gratitude and feels a little like magic, something that is beyond explanation and reason and provides a sense of “wow” to our existence.  When I’m able to stay connected to this energy, I feel as if I’m operating on another plane of existence – for me, it is a spiritual sense of connection.

But, then there’s all that I let get in the way of this.  Especially this past year, in working from home, I felt isolated and insecure.  I was worried about money and my job, people’s health and our daughter’s schooling and socializing, the state of our country and the state of the world.  With so much time by myself working from home, I started to overthink everything.  At the same time, my poor husband was trying to keep his business open and his employees working.  He was going in each day and riding waves of the unknown trying to keep things running, applying for business loans and dealing with ever changing potential crises. The counterpoint of our two experiences led me to feel lonely and “needy,” at just the time he was preoccupied and overwhelmed.  It led to tensions and hurt feelings.  While it was neither of our fault, we were both just doing the best we could in unusual circumstances, it still felt so damn personal.

And this is what I think gets in the way of love.  We are people full of fears, needs, and insecurities who long to be seen and appreciated.  Yet, we all have baggage from the family we grew up with and our old relationships. Pair this up with another human being with bags loaded down with fears, needs, and insecurities, and you’ve got a recipe for a messy conundrum – who’s perception is correct, whose need takes priority, who started it and who will apologize?  There is so much potential for conflict, it’s actually a miracle that relationships genuinely work as well as they do as much of the time as they do!

So, I guess what stands out to me is that, yes, “love is patient and love is kind”, but we, as people, are not.  And in order to make a relationship work, we have to be active in removing  the burdens that get in the way of the love that is.  But it ain’t easy.  It takes a lot of self awareness and humility, negotiating and compromising, balancing taking care of ourselves and one another.  In other words, we each must own what’s in our bags and see how it affects the relationship. And as I pack my bag for our anniversary trip, I most certainly need to keep in mind that someone else will also be there to carry it.  And this is both the beauty and the challenge of traveling life’s journey together.

Thanks to my husband of 26 years who is in fact kind, loyal, smart as heck, and funny.  He had no idea what he was getting into marrying a psychologist and, as he says, learning about all the “issues” one can have.  I am grateful for his wisdom, character, resilience and perspective that has indeed been a gift and a blessing.  And luckily for me, he’s been strong enough to help shoulder my bag through the troubled times when I could not.