You’re excited to be able to meet up with friends again at your favorite bistro.  It feels good to be social, if not a bit awkward, as you’re all a tad out of practice. You’ve been sticking to your meal plan to lose those pandemic pounds, but when the waitress gets to the table, something strange happens.  It’s like you’re possessed.  Some evil spirit has taken over your body.  You intended to order the fish, but after you hear the rest of your table all order the pasta special, although your mind is saying “grilled halibut plate,” you hear yourself saying “Me, too” for the pasta special. Is this some Covid 19 symptom?  Some glitch in your brain processing from two years of being at home?

Don’t worry, nothing is wrong.  You’ve engaged in a natural human tendency that you may have forgotten in social isolation.  It’s called norm matching and it’s a common social phenomenon that’s been documented for centuries.  It refers to the influence that other people have on our behavior as we match our choices to what we sense is the consensus around us.  While this may seem like a weakness, it actually is a way humans have evolved to get along in groups.  In order to survive, belonging to a tribe was essential.  It literally became hard wired into our brain that we need to adopt the behaviors of others for our safety. At some subconscious level, our brains scan the environment and nudge us to do what everyone else is doing.  In fact, a study published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience found that norm matching elicits the same response in our brain that rewards do!  And by making us feel good, rewards make it more likely that we do something again.

Research also shows that norm matching influences a lot more of our behavior than we realize, as it happens all around us wherever we go – in a restaurant, at the airport, at work, or at a sporting event.  The tendency for norm matching creates cultures that we participate in without us even being aware.  It can be such a strong influence that during that restaurant meal we will eat as much as others in terms of portion size and even  lift our forks in harmony with others.  We humans are very sensitive to non-verbal cues.  We will mirror those around us, silently monitoring what they are doing and how they are reacting.  Our natural instinct is to fit in, even with people we don’t know.  Just take a look next time you are standing in line at a concert or preparing for the security check at the airport.  We are copy cats.

Most of the time norm matching helps us to move smoothly in the world.  But other times it can be a bad influence when we want to be different.  So how do we avoid the trap of having a cigarette because other people are smoking or not talking about certain topics at work because no one else does?  The biggest tool is your awareness.  If you put your attention to what the rules of belonging seem to be in any situation, you can step back from it with intention.  For example, at the restaurant, it might help to be the first to order to avoid being influenced by what others choose.  Or call the shot in a certain situation, shifting an old norm in a new way, such as meeting in a smaller group at work to discuss an issue. Research shows that the norm matching effect lessens when the size of the group is smaller.  

Shucking the norm is not easy, though, as 20,000 years of evolution is a powerful force.  But by being aware of the tendency toward norm matching you can be better equipped to resist its impact.  You can also increase your tolerance for the discomfort of “not belonging” with practice, making unique choices and seeing that while you may be self conscious, nothing bad actually happens.  Won’t it be a relief to know that you won’t be eaten by a saber tooth tiger if you don’t order the pasta special after all!

I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been really looking forward to my workouts.  Huh?  But it’s been true. I haven’t been doing my usual delay tactics of checking my phone one more time, fussing in the kitchen thinking about what we’ll have for dinner, or stuffing some things in the laundry.  Right after I close my work computer for the day, I throw on my work out clothes, hit the road, put my earbuds in and turn on my…   Oh, now I get it!  I turn on my audiobook and listen to the next chapter of my book, the one I’m really enjoying.

It turns out that I’m engaging in a clever ploy noted by behavioral economist Katherine Milkman at Wharton University of Pennsylvania.  She coined the term “temptation bundling” for this technique, wherein you use rewards (or the things you enjoy that bring instant gratification) to invoke the willingness to complete the things you don’t want to do, but offer longer term benefits.  By pairing these two activities, you, in essence, kill two birds with one stone, getting done what you should do in order to get to do something you want to do.  

This differs from other reward strategies in the timing of the reward.  Most often we think of rewards as something we get AFTER we do what we’re less motivated to do.  I can watch the Warriors game after I go to the gym, or I can call my friend after I do the dishes.  The problem is, if you’re like most people, you tend to jump straight to the reward, fooling yourself that you’ll do the less desired thing later.  But in reality, once the reward is done, so is the motivation.  

The genius of temptation bundling is that you can set things up to only get the reward if you do the less desired activity.  For example, I never have the time to listen to an hour of my book, unless, I’m hiking!  Sometimes I even hike a little further, just to hear another chapter.   In this way, I get the short term reward of finding out who killed Joy (you’ll have to read Apples Never Fall) and in doing so, I get the long term benefit of increased stamina and stress relief.  Some other examples of temptation bundling are writing a long avoided e-mail while getting a pedicure, doing the dishes while you listen to your favorite music, or spending time with a not so desirable relative while going to your favorite restaurant.

Temptation bundling offers a vast array of pairings, so be creative.  Make a list of things you love to do and then a list of things you should do.  See how you can mix and match them.  Check your work emails in the hottub, have a dance party while you change the cat litter, or listen to the training while you online shop for those cute shoes.  The combinations are endless.  Just be mindful of your safety!    Watching  Game of Thrones while you’re slicing the tomato may not be the best idea!

Have you done something you regret?  Do you cringe when you think back to a bad choice or mistake you made?  All of us have things we wish we’d done differently, but sometimes our guilt and shame can pile up to the point it creates a real road block to our happiness.  This Valentines Day, may I suggest a little gift of self forgiveness to honor the love you do, indeed, deserve.

When you hold on to feelings of shame and regret, it’s easy to fall into a mental state of despair.  This can lead us to feel helpless and keep us from actually being proactive to make changes.  We hide from facing the truth about a situation and won’t allow ourselves to let it go.  Many people fear that if they forgive themselves, they’re allowing what they did to be “okay.”  It’s important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean you are not holding yourself accountable.  In fact, forgiveness can mean taking responsibility for what you did and facing the full accounting for what happened.  And in taking responsibility you agree to grow from it and make better choices in the future.  Self forgiveness allows you to stop dwelling and move forward, putting into action what you’ve learned.

In fact, one way to look at regret about poor decisions is to think of them as good news.  Huh?  Well, if you look back to who you were in the past and choose to do things differently now, this means you have grown!  The values that you now have are different, and hopefully more mature, than the values you had then.  Or you have more wisdom at this point, or more self control, to enact your values.  We are always changing and as we do, the choices we make will be different as well.  We must give ourselves room to grow by accepting our past missteps and imperfections as a part of this developmental process.  

Holding on to guilt and shame tends to increase anxiety, negativity, and pessimism.  And  it’s not only bad for our mental health, but research shows it is bad for our physical health.  Not only does it put stress on our mental and physical state, but it often prevents us from taking care of ourselves.  Often when I work with people sent by their physicians to address a behavior change that they can’t seem to achieve, there is a layer of self critical shame to work through.  How can a person accept help and take good care of themselves if they are not worthy?

So, for this holiday all about love, don’t forget yourself.  Letting go of the pain around a past behavior is a healthy and loving thing to do.  You can remember the lesson learned, but holding on to the guilt and shame is not helpful.  Problems arise when we strive for perfectionism, as we then become desperate to avoid failures.  Instead, striving for self improvement must include self compassion.  And if it helps, just remind yourself that any potential mistake you make today can provide a new opportunity to show your growth tomorrow!

When a fear of change becomes so intense, it’s called metathesiophobia.  In this condition, persistent unrealistic and intense anxiety is felt whenever facing a new situation or experience.  And if you’re thinking at this moment that this describes you, you’re not alone.  In fact, everyone experiences a fear of change to some degree, even when change is positive.  In today’s post, I want to give a pep talk, of sorts, to help us all cope a little better with the stress of change.

Whenever there’s change, even ones we choose or desire, there will be stress.  Change brings about uncertainty and unpredictability, both states that usually bring us creatures of habit (all rational human beings) discomfort.  Change usually brings up our own self doubt and a sense of vulnerability.  It pushes us out of our comfort zones and into the realm of the unknown.  Depending on your biology and your history, some people find change more frightening than others.  But avoiding change can lead to a limited life, staying in unfulfilling, even toxic situations, when we yearn to have better.  And this can become a vicious cycle.  The desire for but inability to make a change can further erode our confidence and lead to more distress.

Making peace with change is essential for healthy living.  Change is inevitable and is the very nature of life.  If we view change as a threat, we live in fear.  But if we view change as an opportunity for growth, we can add an element of excitement to the process of living.  But opening to change requires tolerating pain.  Yes, I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true.  No evolution or growth happens without periods of change, and change will challenge our needs for safety, comfort, and predictability.  But the truth is, if you look closely, you’re an expert at change. You’ve been doing it well ever since you were born.  Every birthday that comes along, every gift of a new day, has come with change.  You are far from the same person you were as a child and as a teen.  You have endured transitions and graduations, layers of losses and first days of so many, many new things.  But we forget our successes as we look to the future. When we fear change, we get distracted by the potential for pain.  We become so focused on avoiding failure, embarrassment, or making a mistake, we miss out on the excitement and potential for growing into a change. 

So how do we cope and put the fear and discomfort aside?  One step is to prepare yourself as much as possible to reduce the unknown.  Do whatever research you can and plan ahead as best as is possible.  Another tool is to remind yourself of changes that have gone well in the past and how you achieved them.  Monitoring your thinking will also be important. Watch for negative self talk and unrealistic “what if” thinking. There is a difference between rehearsing and preparing and overthinking and over worrying.  Make sure you are envisioning success just as much as preparing for failure.  And have a support team.  Staying alone in your own thoughts can be scary.  Have some people you trust who can be your cheerleaders and who can be excited with you as you take steps in your process of change.

And a last bit of sage coping advice?  There is a mantra that is common in helping people deal with anxiety about change, based on many years of collective wisdom from psychologists, monks, wellness gurus, and sometimes even your teenager. It can be used in all circumstances and at any age.  Here it is:  take a big sigh and say the words “Oh, well.”

Whatever happens, you will move on.  Change requires courage just as much in doing something as it does in letting go.  You cannot predict what will happen, you cannot guarantee an outcome.  All you can do is have faith that whatever happens, whether it is a surge of success or a miserable failure, that you will get through it and learn from it.  Regardless of the outcome, you took a risk, gathered up the courage and tried something new.  And what most people find is that regardless of how a change works out, your life will be more exciting and ultimately more rewarding than living in a sameness shackled by the fear of change.  And who really wants to pronounce metathesiophobia, anyhow?

With the layers of stress caused by the constant changes during this pandemic, all of us are a bit on edge.  There was even an article in the New York Times about a man in his 60’s having a “temper tantrum” when he couldn’t find his favorite cheese at the grocery store.  So many of us are losing our cool, lashing out in anger, and melting into unflattering behavior. It’s embarrassing when it happens to us, and a bit shocking when we witness it in someone else.  But given the reality of how often it’s been happening, I thought this would be a good time to apply the iceberg theory in psychology.

When traveling in a ship and looking at an  iceberg in the distance, you only see the ice that’s sticking out of the water. What you can’t see is the larger mass of ice hidden below the surface that maintains the iceberg and keeps it solid.   It’s easy to be deceived by the naked eye and to rely too much on what is obvious and in front of us.  But often we risk missing the truth about something because we don’t look at what lies deeper that is critical to our full understanding.  

When someone yells at us or lashes out, their behavior is so shocking and provocative, we tend to focus on our own reaction to it.  We feel angered in response, often out of a sense of feeling blamed or scapegoated unfairly.  But lashing back, as natural as it may feel, tends to only prolong and escalate the tension.  And it ignores the larger foundation of information and feelings that lie underneath.  Using the metaphor of the iceberg can help us step back and interpret a behavior in a less reactive way, reducing conflict rather than crashing straight into it and potentially sinking our ship.

What we see as behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.  And usually what we see is a reaction from a threatened fight or flight reaction.  Throwing something, yelling, or insulting someone are all examples of a fight response.  Running off, slamming a door as you leave, or withdrawing in silence are flight responses.  Either way, these reactions tend to be the tip of the iceberg in what we see, but we don’t have the information to know  what was behind it.   Most often if we have the time and the inclination to look underneath the reactive behavior,  there is a much larger and more complex array of feelings going on.  These may include feeling hurt, feeling scared or worried, being ashamed, being jealous, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, or feeling disappointed.  

Very often, anger is what we see at the tip of an iceberg.  Why is that?  Because anger tends to be an emotion we can display without much vulnerability.  When we are acting out in anger, we feel powerful and in control, even if we are actually out of control.  We can do it anywhere and with anyone.  Most often, to show our more vulnerable emotions, we need to feel safe and in the context of a caring relationship.  An angry outburst is a quick way to discharge energy and defend ourselves against what feels to be the threat.  Sharing our hurt and shame requires understanding and a letting go of our protection.

By visualizing an iceberg when we experience ourselves engaging in rude or lashing out behavior, we  can remind ourselves there is more to deal with underneath.  By visualizing it when someone else is being rude or acting out in some way, we can have more compassion and patience by reminding ourselves there is more to the story.  Whatever the behavior in the moment, what we witness is just the tip of the iceberg.  Jumping to conclusions causes us to miss a potentially important and larger foundation to someone’s situation.  Not that we should allow rude or aggressive behavior without consequence, but sometimes, having compassion and understanding can de-escalate anger and help someone reengage with their more reasonable self.  Once someone is calm, then the discussion about the impact of their behavior can be more fruitful.  Using a soothing voice and offering understanding can be more effective in helping someone in calming down.  The less threatening you can be, the easier it will be for the other person to feel their vulnerability.  If they ask to be alone, respect that, and stay on the periphery until they feel ready.  

With all of us locked in and spending more time together, especially under stress, we’re tending to build up our icy  cold ways that can be dangerous to intimacy and compassion.  If we can use the concept of an iceberg to broaden our understanding beyond what is on display as the tip of the iceberg, we can work through our conflicts with better effectiveness.  The best way to avoid an iceberg’s sharp edges  and treacherous danger?  Use your warmth to melt it!

In my last post, based on my lovely snow globe, I shared the inspiration about the need to shake things up now and then.  Two weeks later, again I turn to the snow globe for inspiration – but this time about the need to have things settle down again.  After the whirling and swirling of unpredictable activity and motion, it’s nice to experience the calming effect of a gentle return to normal. Watching the glittery white dots drift softly to rest in my little winter world is reassuringly comforting.

After two weeks of eating what I normally don’t eat and sleeping and waking at times I don’t usually do, my body is reacting in some unpleasant ways. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been wonderful to have time out from work to spend with my daughters, who have both been home.  But compounding the break from my routine with some family members testing positive for covid, some anxious scouring of pharmacies for home tests, and a long wait in the cold rain for a PCR test, it has certainly been an unpredictable time in unpredictable ways.  Uncertainty is tiring and stressful.  Even if it’s for good things, like celebrations with people I love, and negative test results, change is taxing. There is something about the return to normalcy after the holiday season that feels good.  Having a schedule to count on helps me get back to feeling a sense of control and order.  My body seems to appreciate it as well, as I get back to regular exercise and healthier eating overall. It certainly reminds me that predictability and structure are important foundations to mental health and overall wellness.

With almost  three years of waiting for the world to get back to normal, it’s no wonder we are experiencing a mental health crisis. We have been through so much uncertainty in large and small ways, living with a constant stream of unpredictability; if we have work at all, where we will be working, who we can be with and where we can be.  It’s been extremely isolating and stressful.  Based on the waitlist at my clinic for mental health services, I can attest to an epidemic of anxiety as a result.  To be honest, who I fear for most is our young people.  Many students who had social anxiety at a mild level have really suffered from not going to school.  Going back in person has been overwhelming and overstimulating for them.  Many are not able to do so, missing credits and failing classes.  I have spoken to several school counselors who are unable to meet the demand for services to address the level of need.  I am seeing children and teens falling through cracks made so wide, I worry it is swallowing up a whole generation.  Parents are so stressed and preoccupied, not knowing what they can do or how to be of help.  Everyone is longing for a way to feel normal.  

But the uncertainty is ongoing.  With variants emerging, and with them the necessary changes to policies, it’s so very hard to keep up.  And for me, there is the ever floating anxiety in the buzz about things “never going back to the way they were before.”  What does that mean? In my field, the shift to telehealth is shattering all the ways we have been trained to engage in our work, upending everything we knew in sudden and untested ways.  Online therapy, texting through an app, and email therapy are all advertised options now with unproven results or oversight.  Maybe I’m too old school, but I do believe the value of relationships is being diminished in a world of technology gone wild.  While I so appreciate the value of having these options during a pandemic, I do believe the lasting effect may be the diminishment of interpersonal relating and intimacy.  I am certain this is also a large contributing factor to the outbreak of overwhelming numbers of people experiencing mental health problems.  Loneliness is toxic.

So maybe waiting for a return to normalcy is not a strategy that is realistic or helpful at this time.  But I do remind myself that returning to normal in the ways we can is a necessary and important coping tool.  “Back to the basics” is what we therapists often rely on when all else is out of control.  Returning to a regular sleep schedule, making sure you get out to walk or move in some way each day, and eating regular healthy food is a foundation for all other health.  It is also imperative at this time to talk to people!  If you can meet in person in a safe way, make it happen.  If you can only zoom or facetime, that is better than nothing.  Try to schedule something on a regular basis to provide structure and have something to count on. Even a game night every Friday or Taco Tuesday with your kids. And if you don’t have those people in your life, see how you can connect to someone new in some way, either joining a group using meetup.com, or volunteering somewhere.  Human contact is a vital and protective measure.

Perhaps we cannot control when and how this pandemic will change our future, but for now, we do need to find some calm amid the storm.  Our globe has been shaken, but we can help one another and ourselves by creating moments and routines that will allow the swirling whirl to settle.  Eat a nice meal, put on some soothing music or a funny movie, and hold tight to those you love.  Create your own little world of serenity in which you can safely shelter together.

The inspiration for this post is a lovely gift my sister in law got us for the holiday, a snow globe.  This lovely glass ball has a serene idyllic winter scene inside, with barren birch trees rooted in a light layer of fallen white snow.  But when you pick it up and give it a shake, the globe comes to life with sparkling glitter, creating the movement and wonder of a magical swirling snow storm.  It never fails to bring a smile to my face, watching the transformation from the stillness of a deadened winter day to an active and vibrant holiday spectacle.

It got me thinking about the act of shaking things up.  What a great metaphor as we head into the winter solstice and the New Year.  So many people find themselves in the doldrums, eating and sleeping like a bear transitioning to hibernation.  We get lulled in our routines and stuck in the boredom of each day feeling like the next, passively waiting for Spring.  But what if we could do something different now?

Unfortunately when most people feel stuck in a rut, they feel they have to make big changes, with drastic consequences.  These are usually expensive and difficult, leaving us feeling denied or stuck in dreariness as we “come to our senses.”  But not all change has to be so big and drastic in order to add a little bit of spice to our lives.  Experts often find that even small little changes or actions can expand our horizons, increase our energy, and spark a sense of newness and wonder that leads to a creativity spark and a sense of renewal.   

After an extensive review of the literature (ok, a few clicks on a google search), I have compiled a list of some ideas to consider giving a try:

–Ask a person you don’t know very well to coffee or lunch.  For us introverts, this can seem daunting, but it can open up a new relationship and new conversations, expanding your world or at least your comfort zone

-Re-arrange your furniture.  Sometimes, just shifting your existing space can make it feel new and fresh, orienting you to new views and perspectives

-Alter your schedule.  By waking up early if you tend to sleep late, or vice versa, or even shifting the order of when you do what, you can get a new sense of energy in an old activity.  Go for your walk in the brisk light of morning instead of doing it after a long day of work, for example.

–Take a class or try a new activity.  There is so much DIY online, with little need to commit your time or supplies. Make a new cocktail or try to make soap, and then share it with your friends.

–Test drive a fun car.  Have a thrill and take it for a spin.

-Plan an outing to a nearby destination.  How often do out-of-town guests discover something right in our own backyard they found in a travel blog? Try looking at your own town through the eyes of a visitor.

–Talk to strangers.  While standing on line at the store or checking your mail, ask someone how their day is or compliment their clothing.  Engaging with people around us stimulates a bit of freshness in stale activities.

-Perform a Random Act of Kindness.  I know it sounds cliche, but bringing someone flowers or paying the toll of the car behind can bring a little boost of adrenaline and endorphins to your brain.  It literally gives you a high!

-Contact an old friend.  Sometimes an old friend can bring back a new feeling of connection.

-Swap things with someone else.  We can get bored with our own dishes or sweaters. Hosting a clothing or any kind of item swap can bring some laughs.  Someone else’s old thing is our new thing.

-Try a different route.  When we drive the same way to the same places all the time, we stop looking.  Plan a little extra time and take a new route.  You will notice more and maybe discover something new.

Okay, okay, you get the idea.  None of these ideas are earth shattering (but they also won’t cause others to think you’re experiencing a mid-life crisis, either).  But they are all activities that, with just a little effort, in some way promote a sense of newness or an opportunity to rediscover from a new perspective what is already there.  But isn’t that the secret of the snow globe?  No shattering is necessary to bring on the magic,  just a good shake.

At this time of year, most people, especially women, are focusing on all the gifts to be given to make friends, family, and co-workers feel appreciated.  We write cards, bake, and have a constant eye out for someone we may have missed in our calculations and lists.  Did I forget my daughter’s coach or my son’s tutor?  Do I need to get a gift for my mother’s caregiver or a support person?  I love how this process helps us notice the many people in our lives and all the ways we are a part of an interdependent caring community.  But there is usually one person we tend to neglect and it may be the most important gift of all…ourselves. Holiday season is the time a gift of self caring may be what we need the most.

Let me give you my personal example that inspired this post. I am a planner.  I make lists, lists of my lists, and have more than one calendar.  (Yes, it’s true.)  Ok, I’m a bit of an obsessive, needing to feel a sense of control having written everything down and knowing what is coming in the days and weeks ahead.  Even on my day’s’ off, I have a plan, filling the day with activities. But inside, lately, there is this little voice that speaks to me wishing for a day with absolutely no plan.  What would it be like to stay in bed as long as I like and have absolutely nothing to do all day?  The truth is, it’s been quite possible. I do have days off and my kids are now grown.  I could do it.  But the key has been that I haven’t given myself permission to do it as it feels too indulgent.

Is there a little voice inside your head wishing for something?  For some people the voice is screaming loudly, but for others it may be a faint whisper easy to miss.  Like me, it may make you uncomfortable.  The first step is to keep an ear out for it.  Like you do for everyone else, listen for a clue of something you are wanting or needing.  It may not come as a conscious thought, it may be a passing sensation, daydream, or even a feeling of envy for what someone else may be doing.  (Ok, for me, it was a judgmental thought of “It must be nice for those people who have nothing to do.”)  You can’t fulfill your desire until you know what it may be and give it space to be heard.

To get you started, here are some themes for what to listen for.  One theme is a need or desire to learn about yourself or acquire a new skill.  Sometimes there’s a secret urge to try something, but we worry about failing or looking silly. We let the potential of embarrassment or shame get in the way of taking a risk to expand ourselves in some way.  Is there a little voice longing to take a voice lesson when you sing in the shower?  A feeling of wanting to join a group to hear other’s perspectives of people who have been through a similar experience?  Especially as adults, we often ignore our own need for support or guidance or the chance to be a beginner.

Another theme is peace of mind or permission to let go of something, even just temporarily.  Sometimes we worry and ruminate about something with a belief that if we don’t focus on it, something worse will happen.  For example, someone I work with feels so guilty about a past mistake she reminds herself of it most every day.  In talking about it, she realized that she worries if she were to allow herself to stop thinking about it, it meant she didn’t care that she hurt someone.  Giving herself permission to forgive herself and trust she had learned from her experience was a liberating and loving thing to do.

And of course another big theme is time.  How many times do you find yourself saying, “someday, when I have time, I’d like to…”  When and where on the calendar is “some day”?  If you’ve found it, let me know.  I keep thinking the following year will have my “some day,” but it doesn’t seem to appear.  Certainly we don’t have the time for all of our goals, but what are the ones most important to you?  Is there a recurring idea that might really make a difference in your quality of life if “some day” was scheduled now? 

The fact is, the biggest barriers to our secret desires are usually of our own making.  Frequently it’s an old belief or judgment that is threatened by our move to change in some way. So this is where holiday indulgence comes in.  Give yourself the gift to say it out loud and do it!  Start with just one thing this giving season.  Try it on and see how it feels.  “Just this once” is still very much under control, with no need to worry about it becoming a selfish way of life.  But maybe, just maybe, it may become an important habit to allow yourself something every once and while.  And if you need my help, I will be there.  Just make sure it’s not on my day of doing nothing. But don’t worry, I am sure I can plan around it!

I’ve been noticing the theme of letting go recently and am reminded that every year around this time it becomes a focus for many people.  Perhaps it’s the sense of closing down that accompanies the change of seasons, with darkened skies and leaves falling all around us, that leads us to think about closure.  Or perhaps it’s the pending arrival of a New Year that makes us think about endings as we say goodbye to another year and prepare for a new one.  But letting go is an important process in healthy living and with Thanksgiving arriving, it can also be a path to making space for gratitude.

When we make a choice to let go of something, whether a relationship, a job, or any situation that doesn’t serve us anymore, we consciously create and formalize its end point.  We take active steps to withdraw our energy from investing any more thoughts or emotions into trying to keep something going that is no longer, or may never really have been, satisfying.  It’s a way of releasing what hasn’t been working for us and giving ourselves permission to move on.  For many people, letting go may be a recognition that something isn’t able to be fixed or mended.  Or that a person in a relationship isn’t able to change.  Whatever the history, letting go is an act of release and can open space in our lives and grant us freedom.

What many people find is that while there’s a strong element of grief in letting go, the most overriding feeling is relief.  When we let go of something that’s been a struggle, we also can let go of the resentments, anger, and bitterness we’ve been holding on to.   By clearing out what has been preoccupying us we are open to new relationships and new feelings.  We feel lighter and less burdened.  Letting go is like a psychic exhale allowing us to relax and be in the present moment.  In doing so, we create the clarity and peace to appreciate the good things we have and the abundance in our lives that may have been clouded over by our negative preoccupatons. 

Whether it’s letting go of self judgments, an old role in your family, expecting your Uncle Joe to stay sober,  or hoping your football team will win (I let go, NY Giants …until next year), I hope this Thanksgiving holiday you are freed up to fully experience the beauty you have around you and create the memories you want to keep. In making space for new expectations, turkey and pie may not be the only thing you fill up with!

After changing the clocks and heading into the holiday season, many people get nervous about falling back into some familiar habits they’ve worked hard to avoid.  It’s easy to eat more, drink more, spend more money, play more video games, in fact, do more of any of the quick comfort behaviors that ease our tension when it’s dark and cold outside. So today I want to share a tool that is quick to do, but actually powerful to use.

Judith Beck, daughter of Aaron Beck, has continued to develop her father’s work in the area of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on the connection between our thoughts and our behaviors.  Throughout our day we come across situations that act as triggers.  These triggers can be a situation (having someone cancel a plan we had), an emotion (feeling lonely), or a time of day (after work) that make us want to eat or smoke or binge watch another tv show.  These responses over time often become automatic, and we lose our sense of control over them.  We feel helpless to them.  According to the Becks, this helplessness comes from the negative thoughts we have that become a conditioned response.  We “sabotage” ourselves with thoughts that we believe to be true, such as “I can’t change,” “I’m too weak to stop,” “I deserve this,” or “I’ll have this today and start tomorrow.”  

What Beck encourages people to do is to identify these sabotaging thoughts and challenge them.  In doing so, we create a gap between the trigger and the response and offer ourselves an opportunity to alter our behavior in ways that we feel better about.  For example, you get home and head to the refrigerator, thinking “I’ve worked hard today and I’m so hungry.” Normally you would begin eating whatever you could find in the refrigerator standing at the counter.  Then you cook dinner and by the time you eat it you feel overly full and upset with yourself that you ate too much and feel uncomfortable.  Each night you come home you tell yourself you’re not going to do this again, but then when the time comes, you end up eating, telling yourself you are “too weak to change,” you “deserve the cookie,” or “I’ll eat less later.”  All of these thoughts undermine your efforts at eating healthy and end up shattering your confidence and efforts.

One of the most effective ways, Beck’s research has shown, to challenge these sabotaging thoughts, is to remember our motivations.  When we are tired, bored, lonely, or hungry, or any time we face a trigger that we have felt powerless over, we lose sight of our motivations.  We forget why we need to stay on track with our new habit and give ourselves an excuse to do what we have always done.  Whether it’s telling yourself you can’t be successful, or that this one time is ok, the desire to engage in the behavior overshadows the motivations that lead to change.  Remembering our motivations can serve as a strong deterrent to negative sabotaging thoughts.  

So, the tool, you may be asking?  It’s as simple as a 3 X 5 card.  Beck calls them “Advantages Response Cards.” It’s as simple as writing down on the card your most powerful motivations for wanting to make the change desired.  It may include wanting to be healthier, having more self respect, decreasing your sugar levels, feeling more in control, being more available to your family, etc.  Whatever gets to the heart of the reasons you are wanting to make the change, write them down.  Then, and this is the important part, read them at least twice a day.  Tuck your card in a place you will remember to read it and choose times that will be most effective for preventing sabotage.  For example, you might put a card on the seat of your car to read when you get home from work, before you walk in your door.  Or after dinner, if you tend to have a cigarette then.  You should also read them at times when you are struggling with a trigger you did not expect or when you encounter a low point in your day.

By reading your card, your mindset tends to shift between the reasons to do the behavior (because I’m weak, I deserve it, I can’t resist) to the reasons you don’t want to do the behavior.  It reminds you that you have a choice and that actually NOT doing the behavior will feel better overall than doing the behavior.  It puts you back in touch with your rational mind that does have control and can make healthy decisions.  You may be thinking, “I don’t need to make a card, I already know my motivations to change.”  This in itself can be a sabotaging thought, because while you do know your motivation, you tend to lose sight of them when the urges strike in the heat of a moment.  The cards serve as a reminder to bring these motivating thoughts to the forefront, getting you back in touch with the bigger picture. 

A tool is just that, a tool.  It only works when you use it, and it won’t always be what you need to get the job done.  But a tool is meant to be a help in your effort and to make it a bit easier.  Advantages Response Cards are inexpensive, small and easy to carry with you, and can have a lot of power without needing to be plugged in or recharged!  But if you are like me, you may need to make several copies, as losing my tools is a habit I have yet to change.

*** Just as I finished writing this blog, I read that Aaron Beck has passed away at the age of 100. May his memory be for a blessing. Many, many years ago I worked as an undergraduate in the Beck Center for Cognitive Therapy in Philadelphia. Dr. Beck was a kind man and although I didn’t have a lot of interaction with him, he always showed interest in my education.