I remember a time,  long ago,  when I was deciding to apply to graduate school. The thought of going for a doctorate seemed so daunting that I was starting to look into getting a masters degree, instead.  My Father looked at me and shook his head.  “You won’t be satisfied with a Masters,” he said,  “I know you.”  And the fact was, he was right.  He knew I loved to learn and that education was not just a goal for me, but a strong value.  An ambition he, in fact, had helped instill.  While my Mother was a great influence in many areas, it was my Father who understood and encouraged my educational drive.  Looking back, I am so grateful that I had the influence and perspectives from both of my parents.  And so with this Father’s Day I will highlight the benefits of Dads.

A few statistics to start:  According to a research overview by a professors at Rutgers University, nearly 90% of all studies since 1980 on father involvement showed a significantly positive association between positive father involvement and child well being.  In an analysis of over 100 studies on parent-child relationships, having a loving and nurturing father was found to be as important as a loving and nurturing mother to a child’s happiness and well being.  According to the research of Dr. Pruett at the University of Pennsylvania, children who feel a closeness and warmth with their father are twice as likely to enter college, 75% less likely to have a child as a teenager, 80% less likely to be incarcerated, and half as likely to show signs of depression.

Since my own childhood, the identity of  a “father” has changed significantly.  Gender role stereotypes have loosened, thank goodess, as my husband is a much better cook than I am and you better ask him to sew on your button if you want it to stay.  I know for sure  that my husband is more patient and less reactive to my daughters’ upsets and is much better at using humor to lighten their mood.  I’d like to think we are complementary in our styles and offer differing role models from careful co-parenting, but the fact is, just having someone who loves and respects my children as a parent partner is a big plus.  When I am tired, he can step in, when I am frustrated, he can be calm.  When I am busy, he can take over, and when I am concerned, I have an ally.  We are all much better off with his dependability and caring

Being a daughter, and having two of my own, I have thoroughly enjoyed the “#girl-dad” pride movement.  I think the idea that a father would prefer to have a son was a limiting and harmful notion.  “Girl dad” not only shines a light on the special relationship that can exist between fathers and daughters, but I think it also empowers men in the cause of breaking down barriers for young women that they may not have been so aware of until they see how it might affect their own child.  When I think about my Father with me, and the role my husband has with my daughters, I see the importance of dads as role models for how a man can be supportive and engaged in all areas of family life.  My Father set a tone that I was not only respected, but expected to challenge myself.  And my Father also set an expectation within me that my husband would need to show up for me and my daughters.  

I miss my Dad.  He saw me in a way that no one else did.  And while I have to admit, I do get a little jealous that my husband can see my daughters in a way that I cannot, I am also really happy about it.  Father’s affirm children in a way that is vitally important for each family in its own configuration, but also for society as a whole.  “Child dad” is a proven investment for the well-being of all.  My Dad taught me a lot about sports, negotiating, using a vice grip, and how to hide out at the hardware store to get a break.  But I’d like to think we taught each other a lot about empathy and intimacy.  I certainly know that when I graduated with honors with my doctorate, my Dad wasn’t surprised, even if I was.  While his PhD was in chemical engineering, it didn’t matter to him.  I was now the second Dr. Weissbein in the family, having reached the highest level in a field I loved to study.   

Everyone is so stressed.  We, as a society, have been through so much these past few years and layering on that the demands of work, family, and community obligations, life can feel pretty overwhelming. And if you are stressed, and the people around you are stressed, it only leads to more potential for unpleasant interactions.  I’ve definitely noticed people are less patient and forgiving, whether driving in town, waiting in line at the grocery store, or going to the doctor’s office.  And when you perceive the world to be more threatening, you’re bound to feel more tense and on guard, bringing about a negative cycle for ongoing stress.  In this week’s post, an antidote for the stress of daily living…daily acceptance.

When most of us think of acceptance, we think of it on a macro level, such as in the field of recovery, the Serenity Prayer, “accepting the things I cannot change.”  Or in a journey of grief and loss, acceptance being thought of as the final outcome in a long healing process.  Or the concept of radical acceptance, in which one aims to let go of all efforts to control or change things and be with life as it is rather than how you want it to be.

But acceptance can actually be quite useful on a smaller scale that we can apply more often for improved mental well being.  Daily acceptance involves being aware of opportunities to let go of battles that do not need to be fought and, in doing so, reducing the added stress of trying to control the little things that ultimately don’t really matter.  Most of us meet everyday realities (hassles) with resistance, creating unneeded tension and exhausting our psychological resources.  By actively turning our attention to accepting the daily hassles, we free up our energy and attention for more pleasant experiences.  For example, when you are stuck in traffic or forget something at home, or have to wait for something, how do you react?   Rather than getting tense and angry, feeling sorry for yourself or a victim to circumstances, you can choose to react differently.  Everyday acceptance involves being mindful of our response and regaining a sense of control into how we interpret, and therefore how we react to, our circumstances.  Instead of seeing traffic as a barrier to getting to where we want to go, you can see it as an opportunity to gain some time with yourself.  Or if you ran out of milk, see it as an opportunity to connect with a neighbor or try a new recipe.

A few tips can be helpful in practicing everyday acceptance.  First, try to let go of judgements.  We have a tendency to have to label our experiences as either good or bad, creating strong responses.  See if you can let go of the need to label a situation and accept it as neither positive or negative, but just as it is.  Another tip is to remind yourself that everything is temporary.  No feeling or circumstance will last, and the more you can observe and accept a situation, the more quickly you will be able to adapt to it.  And a final tip, watch for the ways you personalize a situation into being about you.  When the grocery store is out of an ingredient you need, it is not a conspiracy theory or a referendum on your own goodness or badness, successes or failures in life.  Not everything is about you!

And observing this tendency can actually be kind of funny.  Attempts at trying to control the world are pretty absurd when you step back from them.  Do we really think that someone got in a car accident as a way to keep us from being on time to our meeting?  Or that the post office became crowded in order to keep us from mailing our package?  Most of our daily hassles are not even about us in the slightest.  Yes, they affect us, but they are not ABOUT us. The world will be just fine without our doing anything about everything. 

And while daily acceptances are generally about the small stuff, when you add them up they can make a big difference in the overall tone of your day and ultimately to the quality of your life.  The more we exercise our ability to accept the small things and gain mastery over our mood, the stronger the muscle will be to identify and let go of what really isn’t important in the big picture.  Most people find it quite powerful to feel more in control of their own emotions successfully rather than unsuccessfully trying to arm wrestle with the world around them.  It’s kind of funny that doing nothing actually can make us healthier and happier? I wish the same was true about not doing dishes!

When my brothers were last here to visit I shared with them something that brought me to tears. It was a note my Mother-In-Law had found when sorting through some very old papers.  It looked vaguely familiar to me.  The stationary was formal with a traditional Jewish symbol on the front. The handwriting was mine, but from a much younger self, and it was definitely my signature at the end. As I read through it, almost thirty years of time melted away as I was right back in the mindset of a young woman at a crossroads in her life. The stationary was supplied by the funeral home after completing the burial rituals for my sister.  In reading through my words of gratitude for many acts of kindness by my now husband and his family, it touched me so deeply to be reminded of this testimony to their kindness. The note affirmed that what we do for each other really matters and comforts us through the dark nights when we feel so alone.

I have always been a thank you note writer.  Perhaps because I was very shy when I was young, words seemed to flow much more easily for me when I picked up a pen rather than looked someone in the eye.  I’m also someone who takes time to process my feelings.  I usually have to talk through something, or write through something, to figure out how I’m feeling and what it means.  But there has always been something very special to me about writing thank you notes.  In the process of doing them, it deepens the pleasure and prolongs it. Whenever I write a thank you note, I find it helps me savor the gift or gesture and then reflect this meaning back to the giver, affirming what the person, and not just the gesture, means to me.

While many people roll their eyes at the thought of having to write thank you notes because it’s taught to us as an obligation (remember the fill-in-the-blank ones you sent as a kid after your birthday), years of research are on my side. Studies have shown time and time again that being grateful is good for your health, mood, and general well being.  But other research shows why people are hesitant to do it.  Often people overestimate how awkward it will be to express their gratitude and underestimate the positive power of doing so.  For example, in research by Amit Kumar at the University of Texas McCombs School of Business, study participants were asked to write a letter to someone in their life expressing gratitude.  They were asked about their expectations of how the recipient would react.  Consistently the writers underestimated the value of their letter.  Writers tended to worry about getting the words just right or sounding articulate.  But the recipients valued the letters for the warmth and prosocial intent of the gesture more than the words.  And when the researchers surveyed the writers about their own feelings in composing the letter, the participants reported being in a much more positive mood upon completion.  This is in line with the popularity in Positive Psychology to prescribe gratitude lists and letters expressing appreciation.  It makes you feel better and costs you so little.

So now you know my little secret.  While people think I am so kind because of my thank you note habit, it’s really a totally selfish act.  And to prove it, I have the example of my brother, Daniel.  After staying with us that last visit, he wrote me a thank you note.  And what a treasure.  He put into words so much of what it also meant to me for our families to be together, deepening our understanding of one another’s lives, even though we live far away, and building new memories and rituals to carry forward.  Ok, yes, I cried again, but what a gift he gave me.  And, yes, how selfish of him, because now I have to keep being nice to him, just to keep getting his thank you notes!

Nobody warns you that parenting is an Extreme Sport.  There’s no waiver to sign, no warning labels of potential hazards, and no markers indicating the extreme level of difficulty you’re about to face.  And when your beloved family and friends offer gifts at your baby shower in preparation for your adventure, nobody gives you what you really need – a helmet and shoulder pads for your heart!  There is no training for the intense thrill ride of parenting and the courage required along the way.  Because the truth is, that in stepping onto the lifetrack of motherhood, you will careen up and down the steep slopes of life’s obstacles with the threat of constant danger around every bend with only your instincts to guide you.  You will constantly teeter on the edge of that delicate balance of letting go and holding on to your precious child, alternating between the emotional highs of pure joy and the crippling anxiety of responsibility.  And even with all of that, you’ll be grateful for every day of the journey.

I vividly remember coming home from the hospital carrying our tiny baby girl across the threshold of our new life.  The newfound love and joy was blindsiding in its intensity.  I held her tightly and gazed into her eyes. But then a panicky feeling hit me: Now what do I do with her?  So I handed her to my husband, who sat and gazed into her eyes and felt the deep love as well.  And then his eyes started darting around the room and I could tell he was having the same thought as I did: Now what do I do with her?  Naturally, he handed her back to me.  We were both suddenly faced with the reality that neither of us had any idea what the heck we were doing and, yet, we were totally responsible for the well being of this vulnerable precious life, now and forever forward.

Just as in Extreme Sports competitions, they should give out fancy medals to the victors.  Every parent would have a trophy case filled to the brim as a testament to the level of courage and expertise required. “Ah, and here is the medal for not taking my child to the ER every time her fever spiked.” “And here is my trophy for not calling the police every time we hadn’t heard from her while she was out with her friend.”  “And the ribbon up there?  Well, that was for not getting a background check on her Freshman year romantic interest, the guy with the weird tattoo.”  I remember well the time my daughter got in a fender bender as a new driver.  I wanted to permanently grab the keys and never let her drive again.  Did she know how lucky she was that no one was hurt?  Does she know how distracted other drivers can be and that some people drink and drive?  Had she any idea how her life or ours could change in the blink of an eye with a terrible tragedy?  Yet, I did as every parent does.  I dug down deep into the well of bravery that needs constant replenishment.  I comforted her, handed her the keys, and let her drive home.  I did my best to beat back the terror inside me and avoid stoking the flames of fear that were already smoldering inside her.  

And just like with any Extreme Sport, as soon as you master one degree of difficulty, you’ve moved on to the next. Just as we got the Elementary School challenge under control, she gradutes to Middle School.  And with every passing year it feels like the stakes get ever higher.  A total surprise to me is how, even now, with my daughters both in their early 20’s, I am terrified at times.  They are making life decisions that have such important consequences – life partners, career moves, what city they want to set their roots down in. How I miss the days when the choices to worry about were what level of Math to put them in or dance class to sign them up for.

Thank goodness we get their whole lives to train and develop, giving us time to learn and grow as mothers. It takes years of experience to make the decisions around when to listen to the parenting advice or trust our own gut instead, when to step back and when to step in.  It also takes time and experience to learn how to trust your child and listen when they tell you what they need.  Especially now, when they actually know more and have more experience in many areas than I do!  And over the years, you also learn to live with the injuries that accumulate in this sporting life.  Like the scarring on my tongue from appropriately biting it so often.  And the bruising of my ego when they confront my distorted sense of reality.  And, of course, the traumatic brain injury from banging my head on the wall with the mistakes I make over and over again.

Parenting is an extreme sport, there is no doubt.  And let me just be clear at how lucky I know that I am in being blessed with two daughters who were patient, forgiving, and taught me all along the way and who built my trust as I let them earn it.  And how lucky I am to have such fabulous teammates who supported my training – a fabulous partner in parenting who bore the brunt of a lot of estrogen, family and friends who shared their compassion and wisdom as I fell down and had to pull myself back up, and my kid’s friends who gave me insight and critical insider information (carpools are awesome!).  

And of course, a thank you to my own mother, who I miss more with every passing day.  It’s so hard to get perspective on what it is to feel a mother’s love until it is no longer available.  I am grateful for the memories of how she loved me and the values she left within me.  One of the most beautiful gifts she ever gave me was telling me that even better than being my mother was watching me be a mother.  

There is no offseason for parenting.  There is no retiring or hanging up your equipment to safely recall the glory days in your ever increasingly distant memory.  And to be honest, I thank goodness. We will forever be the Mother “in the arena , whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; whos strives valiantly.” We can only assume Theodore Roosevelt’s mother, Mittie, was his inspiration.

Have you ever felt like you were emotionally spiraling?  It’s a helpless feeling and can be exhausting, disruptive, and affect the people around you.   Whatever the type of feeling, whether sad or angry or worried, it seems to grow and build in intensity in a way that feels out of control.  Today’s post is about a tool from a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that emphasizes techniques for managing our emotional spirals, balancing being aware of and accepting our experience with using skils to regulate them (hence the dialectic) .  (Can you tell I am doing a DBT Training?)

While spirals seem to come out of nowhere, they actually develop from a series of choices and responses.  Spirals are made up of feedback loops between our thoughts, feelings, and our behaviors.  For example, if you’re feeling depressed, you tend to see the word in a negative light and have thoughts such as “nobody cares” and that you are “unworthy.” These thoughts and feelings lead to staying home and isolating yourself, which then confirms and reinforces your loneliness.  Being home alone, you might overeat or indulge in alcohol as a way of numbing the painful feelings, which then leads to more self critical judgments and depressed feelings.

The “Opposite Action to Emotion” technique, also known as Opposite Action or O2E, takes advantage of our emotions as motivators to action, but directs our behavior in a manner that  breaks the chain of a downward spiral.  The first step in O2E is to identify and acknowledge the emotion we are experiencing and the action urge associated with it.  For example, when we’re scared, we may have the urge to escape or avoid what is making us anxious.  If we’re angry, we may have the urge to attack or go on the offensive.  

The next step is to ask ourselves if the emotions we have identified fit the facts of our situation and if the action we feel the urge to engage in will be effective in resolving the situation.  Sometimes our emotions and/or the intensity may be out of proportion for the situation we’re in.  For example, being afraid and running away is a helpful emotion and action when encountering a bear, but being afraid and running away may not be a good career move for the presentation we have to give at work.

Once you identify how your emotions may be fueling actions that are unhelpful, you take control by actually doing the opposite action instead.  For example, if you’re feeling sad because your romantic relationship has ended, you might have the urge to stay at home and cut yourself off from the world.  Instead, you choose the opposite action, and choose to do something outside of the house, like going for a hike or buying a gift for a friend at the Farmer’s Market. In this way, going out and being with others breaks the cycle of the downward spiral.  

O2E is not about ignoring or denying emotions.  In fact, the point is to actually work to label and identify what you’re feeling and how it’s affecting you and then to be proactive in managing it.  Rather than passively letting it spiral, O2E is about gaining awareness of your feelings and then actively putting some separation between these feelings and how you behave.

Like most skills, Opposite Action to Emotion is a tool that takes some practice to implement, but you must also start with a willingness to try it.  Some people actually find it can be a fun challenge to try to think of a behavior that might be counterintuitive to what they’re feeling.  Like how about signing up for the Open Mic night when you’re home obsessing about that work presentation or asking that  neighbor you worry doesn’t like you to go out for coffee?  Now wouldn’t that put a halt to your spiral?  If nothing else, you’ll build your confidence at taking risks and not letting yourself be controlled by your fears and feelings!  The ultimate power of O2E is to highlight the ability we always have to choose how we respond to our feelings – it’s the ultimate tool for psychological de-spiralizing.

The good news is you finally made a change after a long period of hard work.  The bad news is you have to keep it.  Sometimes you can get so caught up in getting over a hurdle to reach a goal, that when you finally get there, you feel a let down and an overwhelm.  As change is a process, you don’t just stay changed!  It takes long term commitment and effort to change and then keep it, and this can be frustrating.  But recently I came across an idea by a researcher named Robert Eisenberg that gave me some inspiration about how to keep the momentum when making a change.

Eisenberg called his theory “Learned Industriousness” and it states:  If an individual is rewarded for putting a large amount of effort into an activity, the sensation of high effort takes on secondary reward properties that lessen the effort’s general aversiveness.  In response, reward for high effort involving one or more activities increases the subsequent effort exerted in other activities.  

Yeah, what?  Let me make it simpler.  If you work hard at something you are more likely to achieve a better outcome than if you don’t.  So then, we associate working hard (what Eisenberg calls industriousness) with success and improvement, which makes it easier to work hard at other things because we feel good about our effort having the possibility of success.  The act of working hard itself has a reward component to it; we feel good about our effort and therefore are more likely to stick with it, again reinforcing success.  It is a positive feedback loop of sorts.

This concept of Learned Industriousness is basically the opposite of a theory you may have heard before, and I have written about in the past, called “Learned Helplessness.”  It was posited by Martin Seligman as a theory of depression many years ago.  In summary, if a person experiences aversive conditions in which they have no control or way to stop it, the person learns to stop trying and gives up.  Their failure to have impact generalizes so that they assume that in other areas of their life they will have no ability to make a difference.  In other words if people can’t achieve something, they stop trying, and assume that they are not capable of making any changes at all.  The idea of helplessness becomes reinforced, because the less they do, the less they achieve.  

So, how does this help us with change?  If you combine the theories of Learned Industriousness and Learned Helplessness, you can see how important it is to set goals that are both hard to do and yet, achievable.  If we choose a goal that is too easy, we will lose the reinforcement of the hard work that becomes associated with the effort and discipline required to do it.  If we pick goals that are too difficult, we can easily become dejected, feeling that no matter how hard we try, we will fail, so why bother.

Take weight loss for example, as it’s a challenge most all of us can relate to.  Many people begin a journey of weight loss setting their dream weight as the goal.  Inevitably they hit plateaus and some setbacks, making the dream weight feel unachievable.  How many times have you given up on your eating plan because you tried really hard and after days and days of logging your food and watching your calories, you felt so far away from your goal weight?  You started to feel that no matter what you did, you would never be able to reach your desired weight.  You felt helpless and powerless and give up, as it seemed more painful to try with no result than to not try at all.

In contrast, if you set goals that move you in the direction you want to go and give you accomplishments as you get there, you feel a sense of success.  And the more varied your goals, the more ways you can experience success.  For example, instead of focusing on your dream weight, you set the goal in several areas that will be a moderate challenge, such as losing 5 pounds, running a 5 k, and eating more fruits and vegetables.  In this way you give yourself the opportunity to achieve success and thus associate your industrious effort with a rewarding sense of accomplishment.  It makes it much easier to stick to your plans because you feel a sense of control and associate your hard work with a positive outcome that increases your motivation to work at it.

In thinking about this continuum of goal difficulty versus the effort required to have some success, it makes me think about all the ways it can be applied.  As teachers, parents, or in any role of leadership, setting people up with the right amount of challenge is an important element of supporting motivation and effort.  But also within ourselves, having goals that stretch us to grow but don’t overwhelm ourselves is important.  When we have unrealistic expectations, we set in motion a chain of learned helplessness.  But when we acknowledge our successes, we reinforce the effort we put into getting there.  So, the next time you reach a goal and feel challenged at the idea of going further, remember that just by making a change you have reinforced the process and made it way more likely to keep it up.  So celebrate and acknowledge the effort it took to achieve your success.  Enjoy your hard work and it will make it easier to work hard again.  Now just look at you, you industrious little go getter! 

We all have those things we dream about with the hope that “one day” we’ll do them.  As we imagine it, we tip our head up and get that far away look, anticipating the joy it will bring to reach that one day.  We smile as we get a little taste of our goal and relish in the way things will be when we do.  Although it’s a wonderful time, that one day, it’s also a little bit of a lie we tell ourselves to feel better in the now.  But like most little lies, this one has consequences, and it just might be worth confronting our one day, today.

Listening in to our “one day” thoughts can be a helpful way to identify what’s important to us.  For example, when we dream that one day we’ll travel to India or one day learn how to play the guitar, it gives us a guide to what we may want or need.  Since it’s not right now, it’s not going to cost us anything, so we have nothing to lose by dreaming.  It can be a safe way to experiment with who we might be if we had the courage or resources.  But “one day” can also be an excuse.  We can reduce our anxiety about accomplishing something by fooling ourselves into thinking we’ll do it in the future.  We can reduce the pain that might actually motivate us to make the change by putting it off as something that will happen, rather than something that needs to happen.  For example, when we tell ourselves that “one day” we’ll quit smoking or “one day” we’ll leave a job that is overburdening, we take ourselves off the hook to take action.

What I find for myself and many of the people I work with is that exploring our “one day” can be fruitful.  In doing so, we can identify the barriers that might be in the way.  Sometimes we put off taking action because it just feels too overwhelming.  We see the big picture, but we get paralyzed in how to get there.  By stepping back from our “one day” goal, we can break it apart into smaller and smaller pieces, so that it gets down to a manageable size step.  It often helps to have the support of someone you trust to do this with together.  Someone else isn’t going to be as emotionally paralyzed as you are when thinking about it, as “one day” goals tend to have a lot of feeling surrounding them.  They are often in the one day category because they represent something that scares us or feels very vulnerable to do.  Having a friend or counselor to guide us, we gain a rational perspective as to a first step, as well as have a cheerleader who supports us when we take a risk in the one day direction.

And sometimes when we explore our one day dreams, we realize they are just that, dreams.  They provide a fun escape and let us think or plan something that gives us an anticipation without much effort.  Sometimes a one day idea is just that, a perfect thing for “one day” in the future, but not right now. It may not be a priority for you right now, or maybe ever, but it’s nice to play around with the idea.  “One day” can be a form of relief or a way of trying something on as you think about what it might be like one day.  One day thinking can be a form of practice or even preparation.  Sometimes the first step to a goal is just allowing yourself to think it.

The more you can get comfortable with your one day ideas, the more you can take control and make choices about them.  Whether you choose to let them stay as a one day activity or decide to work on moving closer to that one day, the point is to connect more closely with what appeals to you about them. You can also let go of some of the guilt in not having done that one day something, as you have thought it through, and made it a decision.  “One days” are options, and just as in every choice we make, the more we are aware of them, the more at peace we are about them.  Your one day could be tomorrow or one day that never comes.  What matters is the awareness that you get to decide when you are ready and how you will get there. Because when the time comes, we may, in fact, have the power to turn the “One Day” into a “Day One” of a new and better way of being .

You’re excited to be able to meet up with friends again at your favorite bistro.  It feels good to be social, if not a bit awkward, as you’re all a tad out of practice. You’ve been sticking to your meal plan to lose those pandemic pounds, but when the waitress gets to the table, something strange happens.  It’s like you’re possessed.  Some evil spirit has taken over your body.  You intended to order the fish, but after you hear the rest of your table all order the pasta special, although your mind is saying “grilled halibut plate,” you hear yourself saying “Me, too” for the pasta special. Is this some Covid 19 symptom?  Some glitch in your brain processing from two years of being at home?

Don’t worry, nothing is wrong.  You’ve engaged in a natural human tendency that you may have forgotten in social isolation.  It’s called norm matching and it’s a common social phenomenon that’s been documented for centuries.  It refers to the influence that other people have on our behavior as we match our choices to what we sense is the consensus around us.  While this may seem like a weakness, it actually is a way humans have evolved to get along in groups.  In order to survive, belonging to a tribe was essential.  It literally became hard wired into our brain that we need to adopt the behaviors of others for our safety. At some subconscious level, our brains scan the environment and nudge us to do what everyone else is doing.  In fact, a study published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience found that norm matching elicits the same response in our brain that rewards do!  And by making us feel good, rewards make it more likely that we do something again.

Research also shows that norm matching influences a lot more of our behavior than we realize, as it happens all around us wherever we go – in a restaurant, at the airport, at work, or at a sporting event.  The tendency for norm matching creates cultures that we participate in without us even being aware.  It can be such a strong influence that during that restaurant meal we will eat as much as others in terms of portion size and even  lift our forks in harmony with others.  We humans are very sensitive to non-verbal cues.  We will mirror those around us, silently monitoring what they are doing and how they are reacting.  Our natural instinct is to fit in, even with people we don’t know.  Just take a look next time you are standing in line at a concert or preparing for the security check at the airport.  We are copy cats.

Most of the time norm matching helps us to move smoothly in the world.  But other times it can be a bad influence when we want to be different.  So how do we avoid the trap of having a cigarette because other people are smoking or not talking about certain topics at work because no one else does?  The biggest tool is your awareness.  If you put your attention to what the rules of belonging seem to be in any situation, you can step back from it with intention.  For example, at the restaurant, it might help to be the first to order to avoid being influenced by what others choose.  Or call the shot in a certain situation, shifting an old norm in a new way, such as meeting in a smaller group at work to discuss an issue. Research shows that the norm matching effect lessens when the size of the group is smaller.  

Shucking the norm is not easy, though, as 20,000 years of evolution is a powerful force.  But by being aware of the tendency toward norm matching you can be better equipped to resist its impact.  You can also increase your tolerance for the discomfort of “not belonging” with practice, making unique choices and seeing that while you may be self conscious, nothing bad actually happens.  Won’t it be a relief to know that you won’t be eaten by a saber tooth tiger if you don’t order the pasta special after all!

I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been really looking forward to my workouts.  Huh?  But it’s been true. I haven’t been doing my usual delay tactics of checking my phone one more time, fussing in the kitchen thinking about what we’ll have for dinner, or stuffing some things in the laundry.  Right after I close my work computer for the day, I throw on my work out clothes, hit the road, put my earbuds in and turn on my…   Oh, now I get it!  I turn on my audiobook and listen to the next chapter of my book, the one I’m really enjoying.

It turns out that I’m engaging in a clever ploy noted by behavioral economist Katherine Milkman at Wharton University of Pennsylvania.  She coined the term “temptation bundling” for this technique, wherein you use rewards (or the things you enjoy that bring instant gratification) to invoke the willingness to complete the things you don’t want to do, but offer longer term benefits.  By pairing these two activities, you, in essence, kill two birds with one stone, getting done what you should do in order to get to do something you want to do.  

This differs from other reward strategies in the timing of the reward.  Most often we think of rewards as something we get AFTER we do what we’re less motivated to do.  I can watch the Warriors game after I go to the gym, or I can call my friend after I do the dishes.  The problem is, if you’re like most people, you tend to jump straight to the reward, fooling yourself that you’ll do the less desired thing later.  But in reality, once the reward is done, so is the motivation.  

The genius of temptation bundling is that you can set things up to only get the reward if you do the less desired activity.  For example, I never have the time to listen to an hour of my book, unless, I’m hiking!  Sometimes I even hike a little further, just to hear another chapter.   In this way, I get the short term reward of finding out who killed Joy (you’ll have to read Apples Never Fall) and in doing so, I get the long term benefit of increased stamina and stress relief.  Some other examples of temptation bundling are writing a long avoided e-mail while getting a pedicure, doing the dishes while you listen to your favorite music, or spending time with a not so desirable relative while going to your favorite restaurant.

Temptation bundling offers a vast array of pairings, so be creative.  Make a list of things you love to do and then a list of things you should do.  See how you can mix and match them.  Check your work emails in the hottub, have a dance party while you change the cat litter, or listen to the training while you online shop for those cute shoes.  The combinations are endless.  Just be mindful of your safety!    Watching  Game of Thrones while you’re slicing the tomato may not be the best idea!

Have you done something you regret?  Do you cringe when you think back to a bad choice or mistake you made?  All of us have things we wish we’d done differently, but sometimes our guilt and shame can pile up to the point it creates a real road block to our happiness.  This Valentines Day, may I suggest a little gift of self forgiveness to honor the love you do, indeed, deserve.

When you hold on to feelings of shame and regret, it’s easy to fall into a mental state of despair.  This can lead us to feel helpless and keep us from actually being proactive to make changes.  We hide from facing the truth about a situation and won’t allow ourselves to let it go.  Many people fear that if they forgive themselves, they’re allowing what they did to be “okay.”  It’s important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean you are not holding yourself accountable.  In fact, forgiveness can mean taking responsibility for what you did and facing the full accounting for what happened.  And in taking responsibility you agree to grow from it and make better choices in the future.  Self forgiveness allows you to stop dwelling and move forward, putting into action what you’ve learned.

In fact, one way to look at regret about poor decisions is to think of them as good news.  Huh?  Well, if you look back to who you were in the past and choose to do things differently now, this means you have grown!  The values that you now have are different, and hopefully more mature, than the values you had then.  Or you have more wisdom at this point, or more self control, to enact your values.  We are always changing and as we do, the choices we make will be different as well.  We must give ourselves room to grow by accepting our past missteps and imperfections as a part of this developmental process.  

Holding on to guilt and shame tends to increase anxiety, negativity, and pessimism.  And  it’s not only bad for our mental health, but research shows it is bad for our physical health.  Not only does it put stress on our mental and physical state, but it often prevents us from taking care of ourselves.  Often when I work with people sent by their physicians to address a behavior change that they can’t seem to achieve, there is a layer of self critical shame to work through.  How can a person accept help and take good care of themselves if they are not worthy?

So, for this holiday all about love, don’t forget yourself.  Letting go of the pain around a past behavior is a healthy and loving thing to do.  You can remember the lesson learned, but holding on to the guilt and shame is not helpful.  Problems arise when we strive for perfectionism, as we then become desperate to avoid failures.  Instead, striving for self improvement must include self compassion.  And if it helps, just remind yourself that any potential mistake you make today can provide a new opportunity to show your growth tomorrow!