This past week I was on a family vacation that took us through many places in California, from tiny towns in the Eastern Sierra mountain range down to the big city of Los Angeles.  While going through each location my husband would pose the question, “Could you live here?”  It was fun to think about how each place would be so different and how this would match up with our personalities and desires.  It got me thinking about the opportunities that vacations can offer us to try on new ways of living and how we might use this information to make our every day lives more enjoyable.

A first thing to consider is, where do you like to go?  Do you tend to go to quiet places that offer solitude and a slower pace, or do you tend to seek out places that are busy and loud?  Do you like to be in nature or do you like to see shows and museums?  Where we go to find rejuvenation (and with whom) can sometimes tell us what might be missing in our day to day lives or what we might want to do more of on a regular basis.  While we may not want to live in a tent, maybe some more time under the stars can be healing?  Or maybe savoring a vacation where meals or cleaning is taken care of might give you a clue as to how getting some help at home may reduce your daily overload?

And how about your mind set while on vacation?  Do you tend to take more risks and try new things that you wouldn’t normally do?  Or do you finally give yourself permission to NOT do anything –  lingering in bed, finishing your novel, or just being by yourself or with a loved one without interruption.  How does this attitude differ from the one you normally carry?  How would it be to adopt this attitude more frequently in your non-vacation time?

Often when you’re away from your normal busy life you gain perspective that you can’t achieve when you’re running on auto pilot.  Most people have insights and important thoughts about their work/life balance and priorities that get lost when they get home.  Don’t just let these thoughts get packed away with your suitcase when you return.  Write them down.  Read them over.  Post them somewhere, and even share them with someone who can help support you in incorporating your ideas.  You may find clarity in these words that can help keep you from getting pulled in to the status quo.  Maybe you’ll decide you do want to move to a new location to be near the ocean, or maybe you’ll just decide to find ways to bring the feeling of being at the ocean back home.  Whatever your vacation tells you, try to listen.  You may find valuable knowledge about yourself that can help bring more joy and meaning to wherever you are.

Sometimes a big event happens in your life that creates a lot of stress.  You lose sleep, worry, and clearly know that you have to take steps to take care of yourself during these times, even if it’s hard to actually do.  Because the stressful event is so noticeable, the people around you offer support, and although it’s very hard, the help is a silver lining.  But there is another type of stress that happens to us that can equally be as dangerous.  The problem is, because of the nature of it, we’re not even aware of it and don’t give ourselves or get the help we need.

This type of stress is known as the stress escalator.  It occurs when small, but significant, stressful things build one on top of the other, slowly raising your stress level.  Because it happens slowly, and piece by piece, you may not even realize that you are there, at the top of the stress scale.  You wonder: “Why am I so irritable, tired, and unhappy?  And why, no matter how I rearrange my schedule, I can’t get everything done?”

What tends to happen during a stress escalator ride is that when faced with a few small stressors, we try to cope by working harder and putting in more hours to deal with the situation.   In order to get extra time, one by one we cut out the things we think of as optional.  Unfortunately, what we tend to think of as optional are the experiences that refresh and recharge us.   They are usually the very things that help us cope with our stress and reverse the negative impact on our bodies and minds.

For example, a woman I worked with, Maria,  came to see me wondering what was wrong her, thinking she may be depressed.  When I asked about the stress in her life, she told me nothing big was happening.  But when I asked her to describe her life, she told me a long list of things, including a recent company merger with a heavier work load, her aging mother moving to an assisted living facility while she and her sister had to pack up their childhood home, and her daughter being bullied at school.  When I asked about what helped to reduce her stress, Maria told me she does Zumba, or did when she had time.  She also liked to have coffee with her friend, but hadn’t been able to do that either.  She used the time to get errands done in order to feel less stressed.

Maria had been riding the stress elevator to the top floor.  No one thing that had been happening to her made her think that she was in crisis.  However, in order to cope with each of her smaller circumstances, she cut out exercising and social engagements, leaving only the work without any respite.  She was exhausted, depleted, and hadn’t had any time to process the emotional impact of her mother’s illness, her fears of not being good enough at work, or her daughter’s well being.  When she was able to step back and look at her situation, Maria actually felt relieved.  No wonder she was feeling so tired and miserable.  It was only then that she could begin to give herself the rest she needed and ask for the help required.

Does this pattern sound familiar?  You could be riding the escalator, too.  The next time you think it would be more helpful to get the list of things at Costco instead of going on your hike, or picking up the house instead of going to bed, remember the escalator.  We need to have a way to go down whenever we ride it up!

I never was a particular fan of “affirmations.”  They seemed forced and insincere to me, perhaps from past experience watching Saturday Night Live’s character Stuart Smalley tell himself, “I’m good enough, smart enough,…” as his daily affirmation.   But after years of teaching quit smoking and weight management classes, I learned directly from my students that certain types of meaningful self-statements can be quite helpful.  (Besides, what did I know, the SNL actor Al Franken went on to be a Senator).

At the end of each six week health education  series, I would ask my class, “If you have one suggestion for the next group of people coming in, what would it be?”  Frequently I heard them talk about having a “mantra” that helped them at times when they needed to stay on course with a healthy habit.  Saying this certain mantra over and over helped reinforce their motivation and gave them a voice that could respond automatically to their “temptation” thoughts.  For example, one man thought of his cigarettes as the devil trying to tempt him.  When he had the urge to smoke, or thoughts such as “just one won’t hurt,” he would repeat, even out loud sometimes, “I’m not dancing with that devil!”  He told us it really helped to keep him on track.  Other people reported phrases such as “I want to breathe!” or “I want to live!” to be inspiring.   “Food is not family” is what one young woman said to herself after realizing she often ate when she was lonely and missed her parents.

As opposed to what I thought of as empty affirmations, what useful mantras seemed to have was a true meaning to the person using it, representing a way to quickly get in touch with their goals and deep desires.  It also reminded them of the hard work they had put into the effort toward change and how tempting thoughts were just that, thoughts that didn’t need to lead to action.  Self-statements worked best if they were positive, brief, and truly believed.

With the ruling of the Supreme Court on marriage equality this week and the discussions about racism following the horrific shootings in South Carolina, I find myself contemplating change on an entirely different level.  While we all go through our own personal evolutions, society changes, too.  As we saw in the exuberant tears of same sex couples whose marriages are now fully recognized, for them this change was long overdue.  For others, this change comes too fast, or is not a welcomed decision at all.  And for some the Confederate flag is a hateful symbol of racism and for other’s it represents a fundamental right of free speech. But as I watch the contrasting responses and the reactions of people on all sides of these issues, it has me thinking about the process of societal change and how we can move through it as a nation of individuals in a way that will unite us rather than further divide us.

In listening to the news and reading the paper this week, I notice that when it comes to concepts of freedom, equality, and tolerance, people can define the words in a similar manner, but end up on completely opposite sides.  It makes me wonder how this can happen.  How can one person’s true freedom be experienced as being at the expense of another person’s liberty?   How can someone demand tolerance in the name of something so offensively intolerant to others? Especially with the racist hateful murders in Charleston so fresh in our minds, I must admit, I was uneasy watching a black man on the news speaking out against giving all people the opportunity to choose who they can marry.   It was not so long ago that he was denied this very right and as a nation we are still embattled in an unending fight for racial justice.  Yet, he expressed his opinions with the passion of a person deeply entrenched in a moral crisis.  Who am I to think I can know his experience or judge his religious beliefs?  There seems no way to compromise on what feels to be our fundamental truths.

But absolutism of any kind makes me think about fear.  Whenever there is resistance to change, there is usually both a sense of loss for how things have been and a fear for how things will be.  I think younger people lead the way for change because they have less investment with the way things have been.  I also think that as a young person, changes are happening so fast within you, it’s more natural for it to happen around you.  As we age, we have more experience to think we know what the consequences of a particular change will be.  And although we do have more years of experience, sometimes this merely binds us more tightly to believing things must be as they are. Change represents a threat to a way of life that is known.  For younger people, I have noticed, the consequences of change are perceived more as possibility than defeat.

It seems inherent that if a group of people achieves a “victory,” another group will feel they have “lost.”  This polarization is a powerful force of division.  Change is frightening and losing our tradition is unsettling.  It feels like a direct challenge to our identity.  It makes us want to dig in and hold on.  But we must ask ourselves at what cost?  I can truly sympathize with the pain of fear, but can we also open ourselves up to the joy of connection when others feel understood and empowered?  Watching my gay friends embrace with the relief of feeling accepted deeply moved me.  Hearing a man express his deep gratitude for the mere consideration of the removal of the Confederate flag was profound.  It gives me such hope to see how compassion and understanding can bridge our divide and lead us toward a more equitable and loving society.

Like many others, I am so inspired by the families of the victims in Charleston.  They had the courage to open their hearts and be vulnerable, resisting the urge for retaliation and vengeance.  They serve as a great example of how we can in fact heal our divisions and move through change with grace and a commitment to respond with our most loving selves.  I can’t possibly know what it feels like to robbed of someone you love out of such cruel dehumanization. I can only imagine the strength of spirit it must take to speak of forgiveness and rise above the hatefulness.  The inspiration they offer us is truly remarkable and serves as a path to healing we can aspire to follow in this time of uncertainty and change.

Three weeks ago at the end of my blog post “The Surprising Best Predictor In Helping People Change,” I wrote about my intent to do an experiment for a few weeks.  Based on research from a conference I had attended, indicating the best predictor of change was to work with a helper who showed empathy and understanding, I set out to listen more closely to my inner dialog and see what would happen if I were more compassionate than critical with my inner voice.  It’s been a successful experience and led to some insightful results.

The first thing I noticed was how much chatter was in my head!  As I set out to listen in, I was surprised with how noisy I am.  Between purposeful thought about planning what needed to be done or about things I was working on, there was a stream of free flowing evaluative thinking.  I was like a sports color commentator offering opinions on myself after most every encounter.  The next thing I noticed was how self focused I was.  My thoughts were frequently questions like if I was a good enough listener, or if my suggestions were smart enough, or if I looked foolish.  I was genuinely surprised at how much I thought about me.  And while I’m a person who highly values self reflection, I noticed how, as I suspected, the self reflection was more self criticism than encouragement.  I started to worry if I was some kind of a “Debbie downer” compared to most people.  Was I just a self indulging masochist?  It was comforting to reacquaint myself with the psychological literature and find that, while negative self thinking is associated with depression, it’s also common, especially for sensitive, caring and perfectionistic types.

The next step of my experiment was then to replace my negative “self talk,” as it’s called, with a more empathic and understanding inner voice.  This was harder than I anticipated.  Perhaps completely replacing negative thoughts would come in time, but the first step was then just responding to my negative self talk.  But even in just doing this, I was surprised by what was required.  Criticizing was quick and easy.  Understanding myself with an empathic attitude took effort.  Switching from “you are being lazy” to “wow, you worked a long day, grocery shopped, did an errand for your mother, responded to 20 e-mails, cooked dinner, and helped your daughter paint her room – you’re tired and also sad and scared about your friend’s health – no wonder you don’t feel like going to the gym.  What else could you do instead?  What do you feel up to?  Perhaps taking a brisk walk to look at the sunset might be more reasonable and uplifting” required a lot more of me.  It definitely required more time for me to think through how exactly I felt and what I needed so that I could have compassion for myself.  I started thinking of these moments as “mini therapy” sessions, and at times, because of the effort it took, I actually found I didn’t want to do it.

But because I had committed to trying, I followed through.  And you know what?  It actually was helpful.  I did find myself feeling a little lighter, not carrying around so many self judgments and appreciating myself a bit more.  And I became quicker at separating my judgment from what I could see was a more accurate assessment given a fuller picture of my situation.  But my most surprising finding was how it helped me be more creative at problem solving and gave me more motivation.  I found compromises that I could actually achieve.  Rather than a yes/no about something, I came up with creative solutions.  For example if I didn’t feel up to writing a whole letter, rather than avoiding it, I made a list of the points I needed to cover and at least got started.  Or one time after arguing with my daughter, instead of withdrawing and blaming myself for being impatient, I realized I was reacting to feeling misunderstood by several people that day.  I went back to her and shared my feelings, ending in a hug I really needed.  In general, by being empathic rather than judgmental, I felt better about myself and had less inner power struggles of trying to force myself to do something and then feeling badly about myself when I “failed.”  And by the end of the three weeks after having some success, I noticed less resistance to engaging in the “mini therapy” when I needed it.

So I’m going to keep going.  My intention is turn my experiment into more of a lifestyle.  It was a great lesson for me and I do in fact think it helped my mood and motivation.  Not only will I be practicing what I preach to others, but I may be inoculating myself against depression.  If nothing else, I know it feels better and fits in better with the type of person I’d like to be.  As long as I have the self talk going on in my head, I might as well have it be the voice of my friend rather than my own worst enemy!

You are stronger than you think you are, and more resilient, too.  It’s just literally hard to remember it when your brain is overwhelmed by potential danger and frozen with worry.  But one simple question can help:  “What are the things that helped you in the past?”

Research has shown that our brain functioning is threat oriented.  We scan our environment for perceived danger and when we detect a threat, our limbic system, or our primal brain as it is often called, is activated.  This leads to an automatic response known as “fight or flight.”  We either do our best to escape or we lash out to defend ourselves.  Both responses produce quick reactions, which are great for protecting us from being eaten by a predator or overtaken by an enemy.  Unfortunately it’s not such a great response style for dealing with such threats as the taxes we’re afraid we can’t pay or the speech we have to give in front of a crowd.  Rather than being quick incidents, these modern day threats live long lives.  And as we replay the potential consequences of failure over and over in our minds, the threat becomes constant, as well. Fight/flight reflexes do little to help us cope with these long term constant threats, and in fact, activate body chemicals that work against us.  During our flight/flight responding, hormones are released by our limbic system meant to help us focus on the immediate danger.  In order to do so, they actually block our ability to access the part of our brain, the frontal lobe, which helps us with long term remembering,  planning and problem solving.

It’s common for people struggling with a big stressor to become bewildered when I ask how they coped with things in the past.  In fact, at first they can’t seem to recall any successes in their lives ever at all.  But then, as they continue reflecting, a smile spontaneously appears, as if they have been reacquainted with a long lost friend.  Suddenly they are pulled out of the doom and gloom of the moment and are reminded of not only the tools they used in the past, but of the comforting fact that they have already survived many moments of crisis in their lives that now seem manageable.

Remembering past success can give us the time out from our worry that we need to gain a more useful perspective. So when you or someone you care about needs help, sometimes the best thing you can do is help them remember their own strength.  By reviewing just what did help in the past, we are not only helping them form a plan for the present, but helping them reclaim the confidence in themselves they have literally been disconnected from.  Sometimes a little question can be the biggest answer.

I was writing in my journal the other day about the mixed emotions I feel as my daughter becomes a Senior in high school.  I am both so proud of her and yet, along with it, I feel a nostalgic emptiness.  I realized that I was beginning a mourning process for the eventual day, now just a year away, when she would be leaving for college.  As I read back through my words, it wasn’t until the second time through that I noticed a misspelling.  Instead of “letting go,” I had written “letting grow.”  It made me smile to acknowledge just what my inner Wise Mind was telling me.

There are so many types of letting go that we must do.  Sometimes we make the choice to let go of things as we move on to something new.  We choose a new path and, although it still may be difficult, we have the strength and the motivation to open ourselves up to a new challenge.  Letting go helps us stretch ourselves in the direction of our goal.  We create space in our lives to meet new people or learn new skills, or just have some time and opportunity to get to know ourselves better.

At other times in our lives, circumstances make it necessary to part with someone or something before we want to.  We are suddenly faced with a loss we feel unprepared for.  We must go through a long grieving process and come to terms with just how our world has changed.  Our lives can feel disorganized as we try to hold on to what we had. In fact, the letting go may not follow until a long time after the actual loss.  But usually when are ready to make the choice to let go, growth happens to fill the void.

As in the case of my daughter, I know that her transition to college will be a huge loss for me, but it is an important one for her growth.  She’ll be challenged and stimulated by a new life and more complete independence.  It will also be a period of growth for me as I have more time for myself and my husband, and more space in my life to take care of my own needs and interests.  I certainly will miss our times watching romantic comedies or the closeness I feel with her when I help her with an English assignment or we cook together.  But I have to trust it is time for our relationship to develop into something new.  Trying to hold on to how things have been will only get in the way of the opportunity to enjoy the change and be open to the positives that may come with it.  And if I’m smart, I will listen to my inner wisdom.  When I let go, I also let grow.

I recently attended an intense three day conference focusing on what helps people change.  The audience was made up of many talented social workers, psychologists, and doctors of all disciplines.  Everyone in the room was eager to hear the results of the most up to date research on the tools and methods of evidenced based health counseling.  Our laptops were open and pencils ready to take note of just what we could do to achieve the best outcomes. 

To many in the room, the biggest predictor of client change was quite surprising, however.  It did not involve a particular technique, pill, or even educational words of wisdom to give to our patients.  In fact, it was quite the contrary.  Rather than anything a health care worker could do or say, it was how they could make a patient feel. If a client felt that a helper truly listened and understood their situation and concerns, change was more likely.  Empathy, on the part of the helper, was the most effective tool.  Once a person felt accepted by a helper, their resistance to making changes would diminish, and they could achieve success by tapping into their own motivations and knowledge of their situation.

On the ride home from the conference, I started thinking about us – all the people with good intentions who are trying to make changes and keep tripping up.  I started thinking about my own internal voice that I speak with when I try to coach myself through a day of a thousand choices.  Is it empathic?  I would not say so.  Does it convey empathy and understanding?  Not usually.  In fact, my voice is often quite judgmental, punitive, and negative.  And I would guess, from experience in talking to others, this is true of how many people talk to themselves.  “My gosh you’re lazy, get up and move your body,” “You should have gotten that done,” or “Why do you even bother to eat healthy now, you know you’re just going to blow it later.”  Sound familiar?

So I am going to do an experiment.  For the next few weeks, I’m going to try to talk to myself with empathy and understanding.  My hope is to reduce my own resistance and to stop acting like the rebellious teenager acting out against my inner critical voice.  I know from experience that empathy works with my clients, and research now shows its effectiveness with most people.  So why not use it for myself?  If this sounds hard to do, or like something from the twilight zone, perhaps the first step is just to listen to yourself.  What does the voice inside say to you?  How do you respond?  And, as some might say, is it “working for you”?  We might just find that, like most people, we prefer kindness to shame and feeling understood to being judged, even from ourselves.

Ever hear that you have to be “all in” and “give 110%” if you’re going to be successful?  Although it would be great to have that level of commitment, for most of us normal human beings, “all in” is a fleeting experience.  More likely we have conflicting thoughts and feelings.  And in fact, I have found that rather than getting down on ourselves for these feelings,  acknowledging our ambivalence helps us better cope with it and reduces the risk that mixed emotions undermine our efforts.

Despite truly wanting to reach a goal, most of us hear frequent voices of temptation or regularly wrestle with doubt.  We want to lose weight, but we really want the cookie.  We want the relationship to succeed, but we are really angry with our partner.   By thinking in dichotomous absolutes, such as needing to being “all in” or “giving 110%,” we create either/or situations for ourselves.  If I want the cookie, I can’t be successful at dieting.  If I am angry with my partner, he is not a good man.  Trying to live in absolutes, we back ourselves into a corner and act in ways that are also absolute or create unnecessary disappointment in ourselves.

In making peace with our ambivalence, we open up space for holding conflicting ideas.  We can have one feeling AND another, rather than either/or.  By making room at our table for all types of feelings, we can sort through them and find a way to behave that best represents our long term true desires.  I want to lose weight, but I am hungry and that cookie looks good.  Wanting the cookie does not mean I am not doing a good job at dieting and does not mean I must eat it, either.   I’m less likely to give up completely if I have choices.  Being angry with my partner does not mean he is an awful person or that I must change him or leave the relationship.  By being able to stay in touch with my love as well as my anger, I have the best chance of working through our problem and staying connected in the process.

Learning to tolerate contradictions can help us act less impulsively and expand our understanding of the totality of our situation.  Much of the work I do with people in psychotherapy is helping them expand their capacity to experience conflicting emotions, because life and relationships are complicated.  Being “all in” feels good in the moment, but accepting our ambivalence gives us the flexibility to “stay in” for the long run.

This is the time of year when young people amaze me the most with their end of school year performances, competitions, and final exams.  In watching them, it reminds me how often they have to publically “put themselves out there” to be judged and evaluated, critiqued by teachers, coaches, and all of their peers.  They get chosen or rejected for roles, having to sing solos or dance in front of a crowd.  They get praised or yelled at in gearing up for a big game.  And they prepare for challenging exams where they will be graded in comparison to the scores of all their friends and classmates.  All in one day!

As adults we tend to lose touch with this risk taking way of life, especially when it involves being evaluated in areas we know are not our strengths.  We become experts in our fields and comfortable with being the ones in charge, either in our parenting or professional lives.  We hide out in well established routines that protect us from failure or embarrassment.  Some of us even live through our children, pushing them to do better, while we sit safely on the sidelines.  I remember one particular parent at a swim meet yelling at his son while he was racing in the toughest stroke, the butterfly.  The father was literally standing over the pool, potato chip bag in hand, shouting for his son to “pick up the tempo.”  (Extreme, yes, but we all do it to some degree.  Exhibit A:  Me sitting on my couch eating while I yell at my New York Giants to work harder to score a touchdown.)

By staying in our comfort zones, we rob ourselves of the ability to grow.  Besides becoming psychologically rigid, we may actually be putting ourselves at risk when we avoid being evaluated when we need to.  We might not measure our blood sugar and learn about diabetes or not share with someone that we are depressed.  Having a beginner’s mindset with a willingness to receive feedback is an important attitude for successful change.  Fortunately, like many habits, these skills can be developed.  The more often we do it, the easier it gets.  By committing to take a risk, we face our vulnerability and give ourselves the chance to feel the satisfaction in working to achieve a goal or become just a little bit better than we thought we could be.

So, I challenge us all to stretch ourselves a bit.  Enter a contest or race, sign up for the next level of a class you normally take, or start up something completely new.  Yes, your heart will race and you’ll have butterflies in your stomach, but you’ll also feel pride, be stimulated, and become more emotionally flexible.  You might even enjoy being freed up from expectations.  Like our kids, we may just learn to be brave again!