An important distinction that we therapists continually train to identify is the difference between content and process in communication.  Content is the actual “what,” or the facts that we want to share.  Process is the “how” it is being communicated.  We, as intellectual people, often get caught up in content, missing key elements of what is happening between us in a relationship.  Even when we’re choosing our words carefully, how we’re saying them is often out of our awareness, creating a potential mixed message.  Being able to step back and look at the process of a conversation can be a powerful tool in making sure we’re aware of just what is being communicated to best understand its impact.

Remember all the times someone says something that seems nice, but in a tone that really says the opposite?  Or they say “I’m listening,” but seem not to be listening because they’re not making eye contact or worse yet, pick up their phone and glance at it while you’re speaking?  The words they’re saying are the content, but the how they are saying it is the process.  Often, misunderstandings or conflicts in relationships happen because of this multi layered nature of communication with hidden messages or ambivalences that can be frustrating and even hurtful.  

Process based understanding tends to get into the underlying deeper level of what someone is meaning, not just saying.  Noticing how someone is saying something or asking further about their feelings about something, rather than about the facts, is a way of making a deeper connection.  For example, if someone tells you that they baked a cake, one option is to stay with the content and ask them what flavor it was.  Another option is to note how happy they look and ask if they baked it for a special occasion? Or if they are passionate about baking?  Process is a way to understand not just what someone is telling you, but why they are telling it to you.  Interactions that stay in content tend to remain superficial over time.  Process gets to emotion, which is required for intimacy.

When we attend to process, we are given a powerful way to support our relationships.  Are we becoming defensive or is our partner?  Are we cutting them off and not letting them finish or are we listening fully?  Process observations can give us important clues about why we are feeling what we are in a conversation, which may not be in line with the content is of what is being said.  It helps us to steer a conversation away from what may be unproductive or even damaging.  For example, noticing when you are not able to really listen may give you the freedom to request a break from the conversation so that you can re engage when you’re in a better state of mind.  Or noticing that whenever you bring up a certain topic, it triggers a reaction that surprises you.  This can help you step back to see what may be going on underneath and address the real problem rather than the superficial one.  Noticing process gives us more information and opportunities to fix what is happening in our communication.

It’s often easier to pay attention to the process level of things after the fact, especially at first.  For example, if someone was getting defensive when you talked to them, looking back, you may figure out that what you were saying felt threatening to them in some way.  Maybe they felt ashamed after making a mistake, or inadequate, or their feelings were hurt.  Over time, you can learn to have an observing eye to your sense of process while it is happening.  This involves being connected to your feelings, body sensations, and your tone of voice.  Curiosity about the “why” something was said can lead to more empathy and compassion.  It also helps to notice when the process of communicating was comforting or built trust.  Active listening is a great example of process oriented communication.

Because of its connection to feelings and reactions, often requiring vulnerability, process has a way of making people feel closer and deepening interactions.  But as with most power tools, you need to use it wisely and safely.  Too much attention to process and people can feel they are being overanalyzed or second guessed.  Even Freud himself said that sometimes, “a cigar is just a cigar.”  Of course this related to his denial that his smoking was an addiction that needed to be analyzed, even after being diagnosed with mouth cancer.  Perhaps we can infer from his tone that he wasn’t ready to deal with it!

In moving to CA from the Northeast I noticed a difference in culture regarding conflict.  East Coasters let you know where they stand!  I actually miss that.  While I’m probably more comfortable with superficial pleasantness, there is something actually grounding about trusting that people will let me know how they really feel so I don’t have to worry about it.  While I’m comfortable with conflict in my work, because it’s all about other people, I’m inspired by people who seem to disagree with ease.  So to help those of us who avoid confrontation, I found a few articles with some helpful instructions on how to disagree agreeably.

First, let’s take a look at what’s so scary about confrontation.  Most commonly it’s based on a fear of how the other person will react that will be uncomfortable for you.  One fear is not being liked, another is a fear that you are incorrect, another is you’re afraid you won’t be able to articulate your point well enough and you’ll be misunderstood.  The key to overcoming these fears is to prepare yourself and to keep yourself calm.  Our bad experiences of trying to confront someone often involved a time when we were emotional and spoke before we were ready and were reactionary.  It also helps to focus on your intention instead of a particular outcome.

While we can’t control how other people will react, we can control how we approach them which  influences how they may react.  In order to do this we first have to give ourselves permission to speak up.  Instead of thinking of approaching someone as a negative confrontation, it helps to think of your effort as being assertive and sharing how you feel with a desire to attend to a relationship.  Think about what might be gained by expressing yourself.  Perhaps it’ll relieve your stress, help solve a problem, or make you feel respected.  Reconsider your assumptions about speaking up.  Confrontation can be healthy, build trust, and make you feel more confident and valued.  Having a voice helps build self esteem and research shows that handling conflict increases happiness and well being.

Disagreeing with someone effectively is a skill and like any skill can be learned with practice.  Start with someone you trust.  It helps a lot when you have psychological safety and know the person cares about you and how you feel.  Next, ease into the conversation.  Start by taking a deep breath to calm yourself and reduce your anxiety.  Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project encourages people to think of confrontation as “learning conversations.”  In other words, you are seeking an exchange of information and understanding.  Don’t assume you know the other person’s motivation or intention.  Focusing on the impact of an action can help to reduce someone being defensive.  Try to calmly share your concern with a focus on how the situation affected you.  An example might be, “Hey, you might not be aware but…”  It can help to share how their action made you feel, and then invite them to share their feelings.  For example, “the comment you made stung, can you explain what you meant” or “I was frustrated by that, what was it like for you?”  If you can create an atmosphere of sharing and trading perspectives, it aligns you both into a problem solving mode.  If you have a possible solution, offer it and then ask for feedback.

Of course, people won’t always be as open to engaging in this kind of dialogue as we would like.  It might be necessary to express yourself and your intent, and if met by hostility or further conflict, set a limit by disengaging.  Perhaps the other person isn’t receptive at that moment but they will likely have to think about what you’ve said.  Do your best to resist engaging in an escalation of blame or insults.  Protect yourself by a respectful retreat and an invitation to discuss it further when they are ready to be calm, if you feel it might be possible.

There are times when we need to confront someone in a more spontaneous way, however.  Luvvie Ajayi Jones, author of “The Professional Troublemaker,” suggests asking a question.  For example if someone blurts out something offensive, ask them to explain it further.  Chances are, she finds, the person will either double down on the remark or walk it back.  But asking a question shifts the focus to the person who is imposing on others, forcing them to take responsibility.

Be easy on yourself if things don’t go as planned.  Being good at disagreements is as much an art as a science.  The situation and people involved are varied and what works in one situation may not work in another.  But keep practicing.  The most important thing is to challenge the fear that something terrible will happen.  You can grow more confident and less fearful in time.  You might even find yourself enjoying the outcome and feeling good about being brave!  Noone likes to be a pushover.  And sometimes people prefer that you tell them what you think, rather than holding it in and brooding about it.  Take those East Coasters. No angst about hurt feelings or fear of rejection for them. They snap at you, yes, but then they’re over it!  And they expect you to be as well.  And for us overthinkers, that’s kind of refreshing, don’t you think?

Most January’s I have a bit of a spending hangover, with a strong need to get caught up.  This year, however, due to some unexpected expenses, I’m finding it a little more difficult and the stress is building up.  It’s an especially yucky kind of stress, that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed.  I hide my situation like a horrible secret.  When confronted by it, I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong for which I need to be punished.  What starts out as a joyful experience of spending on something pleasant transforms into an evil deed I feel guilty about.  As I know is true for most things, it helps when you know you’re not alone.  For a lot of us, our relationship with money is complicated.  And so as a support to myself and hopefully others, here are some things to think about if you find yourself in a money funk.

Generally, money isn’t polite to talk about in most societies, which creates a built in secrecy-silence.  And with that there’s a money judgment coming at us from all directions; personally, professionally, religiously, and culturally.  Everyone has ideas about how we should be spending our money.  We’re pressured to spend money in so many subtle ways, and many not so subtle.  We want to fit in with our social group, we want to be charitable, and we want to indulge a little bit now and then.  All of this is on top of the bills and things we have to pay, even if we prefer not to, like medical bills and insurance payments.  Money represents our values and puts them to the test.  I often want to please everyone, so I overspend rather than say no to someone or some organization.  It feels so good to be generous, even to ourselves! And our financial situation can quickly take a turn for the worse, with an unfortunate accident or unexpected happening.  While we think we’re in control, we can quickly find our debt is out of our hands.

If you’ve struggled with money in the past or didn’t have much money growing up, this can have a big impact on how you feel about money now.  The attitude your parents had about money can be internalized without you even realizing it.  And your partner may have very different experiences with money and a different attitude about saving and spending.  All of this can get mixed up together. 

Taking an inventory of your own feelings can be helpful in understanding yourself:

-Are there certain times when you are likely to spend more money?

-Are there certain times when you’re more likely to save?

-How do you feel when you spend money?

-Do you feel differently when you spend or save in different areas?

-What emotions emerge when you think about money?

-Which aspects of dealing with money are most stressful, such as opening bills, being misunderstood, having to justify your spending, or feeling deprived?

Like most things that bring us stress and shame, it tends to build on itself, and take on a life of its own.  The more shame we feel, the more we avoid dealing with it.  One important factor is to bring empathy to your situation.  Think of your money situation as a potential mistake, not a personal failure.  Showing yourself understanding is not about letting yourself off the hook but more about allowing yourself to be accountable.  Financial resilience is about acknowledging the factors that led to your stress and problem solving as best you can to realign your financial situation and learn from it.  When we’re emotional, we tend to have blind spots and become reactive.  Allowing yourself to talk things through with someone you trust is another way of reducing anxiety, gaining knowledge, and sharing information.

Some tips that might help:

-Be aware of your warning signs that might lead to overspending (a mood, situation, person) and have a plan for when you encounter these

-Don’t save your credit cards on apps or websites that make it easy to be impulsive

-Delay purchases, take a photo or write it down and see if you still want to spend your money in the same way later on

-Share your goal of saving with other people.  Instead of turning down a social invitation, see if you can change it to something more affordable.  Most people will not mind at all when they know your savings plan.

-Set some savings goals and track your spending toward reaching the goal.  See how your mood improves and your stress decreases when you begin to feel more in control of your finances.

While we associate money with status, it’s important to see it for what it is.  Money is a resource.  Having more of it allows you to do more and having less of it is restrictive.  Not having enough is stressful and getting more of it can feel liberating.  But money is not a measure of your worth or your happiness.  It’s not an indicator of how well you love or what your heart is capable of.  What most financial counselors advise is that the best way to relieve financial stress is to have a plan that step by step brings your spending under control.  And the best way to do this is to bring your situation out of darkness and allow yourself to address it as a problem to be solved and not as a failure to be ashamed of.  Ahhh, the old adage, tried and true can be applied:  Name it to tame it.  I spent more than was wise this last December, and so I’m balancing it out in the New Year.  And with any luck, I’ll be able to spend again by next December!

This past week was the 30th anniversary of my sister’s death.  I still can’t believe it when I say it, or as I write it.  Part of the shock is the fact that there are still days when it feels so raw, as if it just happened.  Other days I struggle to recall something about her I thought I’d never forget.  And when I envision her, she’s still 33, while I’m now near 60.  Grief is a complex experience, but one we all come to share at some point in our lives.  No two losses are quite the same, but the vulnerability and depth of the emotions offer a familiar connection when one mourner encounters another.  So in the spirit of connecting with others who are hurting, I’ve been reflecting  on a few of the things I’ve learned that help.  Thank you for letting me share my process with you. 

Although your loved one is never coming back, and the permanence of this is so hard to accept, grief itself changes over time.  I really noticed that this year in the type of things I think about and the way that I feel.  In my earlier grief, I literally missed her presence.  Every gathering or encounter felt so horribly incomplete. I would think of things to tell her and then recall that she wasn’t just a phone call away.  While her absence is still a presence, my family is now more defined by the future than the past, my children and nephews, and soon their partners and maybe children.  The pain of missing her has now shifted into the pain of what never would be; she never got to marry, never had children, would she still make funny sounds to illustrate her stories and would she have been a good aunt to my daughters?  My pain is now in the loss of all the possibilities of what could have been for her that we never got the chance to experience together. I’m left with so many questions of how she would feel about something or what she would say, what would she be doing, and what she would think about me and what I’m doing (although I know for sure she’d be ok with me spoiling my kitties).

Grief changes you.  Once you cross the barrier of having profound loss, you’re never the same.  You acquire a depth of awareness that no other experience can reveal.  While it was nice to be ignorant, there is value in the journey of grieving.  Grief has a way of clarifying what’s important.  You realize that what you miss about your dear one is not the cleanliness of their house, but the way they made you feel at home.  Or that weighing 10 pounds less didn’t really matter compared to the weight of the love they shared with you and the laughter that lifted you up when they comforted you.  Loss makes us all too aware of how precious our time is and the importance of spending it with wisdom and purpose.  Grief has a way of humbling us in our powerlessness and in how lucky we are for each day that goes as expected.  

Grief makes us more compassionate.  When you’ve been knocked to your knees, you appreciate what it takes to get yourself up and how important it is to be lent a helping hand.  When you know how grief steals your rational mind and robs you of motivation, you gain an understanding of what patience really is and what support truly looks like.  You accept people for where they are and let go of the judgment in expectations of how to “move on” or react in the “right way.”  Grief brings a profound understanding of how damn hard it is to love and to let go.  Grief forces you to be engulfed by excruciating pain and survive.  It also  gives you the courage and capacity to sit deeply with others in theirs.  Grief creates community, it equalizes us in our humanity.

Grief leaves a big hole.  No, really.  You can feel it so vividly, I’m amazed it doesn’t show up on an MRI.  I can sense it within me, like a familiar ache, right below my breast bone and above my waist.  While I tune it out sometimes, it’s always there.  In some ways it’s a familiar friend, reminding me I still love my sister and she is not forgotten.

Last March I got a tattoo.  (Thank you Alana for sitting with me and holding my hand.)  I decided to do it when I came across what felt like the perfect one.  It was the Hebrew word עימי which I think looks lovely, but its meaning felt so right.  It translates to “with me.”  It’s on my forearm and to be honest, I’m so pleased and surprised by how much it helps.  Somehow the physical manifestation of my grief is comforting.  It’s so tangible and permanent.  It represents the hole that’s on the inside being visible on the outside.  It’s a powerful symbol to me that I am living with my grief, through good times and bad, ups and downs, everpresent.

Another thing that has really helped is having a bench designated in her honor.  It’s in our local park and it has a plaque sharing her name and bearing witness to her existence.  It comforts me to sit with her and have a good chat.  We picked a nice spot in the sun with a pretty view of the lake.  It gives me a place to go and an activity when I need something to do with my grief.  I leave flowers there on her birthday and gently stroke it when I need a touch.  The bench literally grounds me when my grief is free floating.

One of the most important gifts I received when I sought support is the permission and understanding that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There are no rules to follow or steps toward a “cure.”  You also learn that grief is not a disease, it’s a state of being that is normal and healthy.  Often what we experience as abnormal is other people’s discomfort with our grief.  (I can’t tell you the number of parents who have lost children who share similar tales of people seeing them in the grocery store or schoolyard and literally turn the other way.)  I ask for their forgiveness because they just don’t know.  It is us, the grieving, who walk towards one another with the outstretched arms and the broke-open heart. 

I was in my 20’s when my sister died.  I have now lived with her memory longer than I lived with her.  But she still feels very alive to me.  Her death was not the end of our relationship.  And while I think I can always get the last word when I talk with her or share a story about her since her passing, who knows?  The rainbow I saw on her anniversary date sure did feel like a bit of a wink in my direction.

Since tonight we say goodbye to 2023 and usher in a new year full of possibility, I thought it’d be fun to review a few traditions I found from around the world.  With each ritual, the hope is to bring good luck and prosperity to all who participate.  So why not pick a few and give them a try?  What do you have to lose?  If nothing else you’ll start the year off with an open mind, behavioral flexibility, and maybe a good laugh.

Enjoy all things round.  Many cultures believe eating round foods on New Years will lead to prosperity.  In Italy, lentils represent coins with their round shape and in the Philippines it is customary to eat 12 round fruits, one for each month of the year, to ensure a year of abundance.  Here in the States, Southerners eat a dish called “Hoppin John” on New Year’s Day which is made of black-eyed peas, pork, and rice. The peas represent coins and the collard greens they are served with resemble paper money.  To further your luck, many families place a penny underneath the dishes.  If you don’t feel like eating something round, wearing Polka dots is also considered a way of bringing in good luck for party goers.

Other food traditions involve eating fish.  Fish move only in one direction, forward.  Eating fish is believed to keep you in pace with the movement of time in the year ahead.  And if you are too full to eat your traditions, there are a couple involving odd food usage.  In Ireland, you bang the Christmas bread on the walls of your home to chase away bad spirits and start the year with a clean slate.  To Greeks, onions are a symbol of good luck and fertility because they sprout when no one is paying attention.  On New Year’s eve Greek families hang bundles of onions above their doors to invite in prosperity.  And on New Year’s day, parents wake up their children by bonking them on the head with those same onions!  

And if smashing is your thrill, Turkey has your tradition!  Smash a pomegranate on your front porch.  The more pieces and the farther apart they spread, the more prosperous your year will be.  And for a little peace, sprinkle some salt in front of your door to boot.  In Denmark, people go around smashing dishes on the doorsteps of their friends and family homes.  The more shards there are the next day, the luckier they will be.  

And then there are the water traditions.  Since the 1900s the Polar Bear Plunge has been a ritual, starting off the year by submerging in freezing cold water.  In Brazil, you would go to the beach and jump seven waves.  Plan carefully, because you get one wish for each wave you jump.  But if getting wet is not your preference, just dump the water out of your window.  In Puerto Rico, they believe dumping a bucket of water out the window drives away evil spirits.  (It may also drive away any possible unexpected guests.)

Want a drier option?  How about wearing the right underwear?  Certain countries, especially in Latin America, believe the color of your underwear can bring good things for you in the next 12 months.  Yellow is for luck, red is for love, and white brings peace.  You may need to do the laundry in preparation!  Clean underwear only for the New Year, please.  

And for those desiring adventure, do as the Columbians do.  They take empty suitcases and run around the block as fast as they can.  This ensures a year full of travel.  But beware of visiting guests who bring their own suitcases.  In Scotland, the “first footer,” or visitor, in the New Year, is extremely important.  Tradition suggests you choose a man who is tall and dark (to protect against Vikings), who comes with gifts of coal, salt, shortbread and whiskey, representing the basic needs of heat, food, and drink. (Now that makes for interesting unwrapping).

And don’t forget your own beloveds…all species of them!   Belgian farmers rise early on January 1st and wish  “Happy New Year” to their family members as well as their chickens, horses, pigs, cows and any other living being in their care.  For me, I will surely cheer in my year with my recent family additions, my two young mini donkeys, Zeus and Apollo.  Their first New Year’s Day!  And it’s me who really needs the good luck (and for them to be on my good side).  So far, they outsmart me, quite regularly.  

However you choose to celebrate, please know the gratitude I feel for your reading my words and being able to share my ideas with you all throughout the year.  Happy 2024!!!

Now that you’ve spent some time “preparing to get prepared” for goal setting (my last post), it’s time to set up an action plan.  An action plan moves a goal from being abstract to being tangible.  For example, after some time reflecting about choosing an area of growth and change that matters to me, I realized I need to slow down.  I’ve been making a lot of errors, some without much consequence, but some that have cost me time, money, and embarrassment!  In exploring it with myself in a truthful manner, I realized I try to multitask too much, and end up mixing things up and making careless mistakes.  But slowing down is a rather vague goal. While it aligns with my values of wanting to be more thoughtful and precise, it needs to be further defined in order to make the change actually happen.  Otherwise it’s just a wish.  Having a specific plan of action to support a change is an important step in setting yourself up for success.  So in preparation for the impending New Year and the fresh start on our resolutions/goals, I wanted to review the literature on what and how to implement change in the most effective way.

First think about the positive outcome you’d like in pursuing this goal.  Create a vision for what this will be like for you in the real world, such as having sugar levels in the normal range from pre-diabetic, becoming a non-smoker, or in my case, making fewer mistakes in my daily life.  Now define this vision as best you can into what behaviors would make this change possible.  For example, lowering sugar levels might mean eating more vegetables, exercising more, and daily monitoring.  Now further define these goals into specific steps that you can measure and keep track of.  For example, for me, my plan would be to schedule a time three times a week to take care of paperwork rather than squeezing it in between things.  Now write down these steps in positive language: “I will eat one vegetable with lunch and dinner daily.  Or “I will go for a hike three times a week.”

Research shows that actually writing your goals down makes it more likely you will do them.  Also, posting them in an area where you see it frequently will keep it in the forefront of your mind.  And having some accountability is important as well.  Write into your action plan how you will evaluate your progress and when.  It helps to have a partner with whom you share your goals and plans.  Telling people tends to be a high predictor of people’s follow through.  Buddy up with someone you feel comfortable with and review how things are going. In one study, respondents were 42% more likely to accomplish their goals when they were in writing.  The success rate went up to 76% when participants wrote down their goals, developed a plan, told a friend, and kept the friend in the loop!  It’s really important not to be judgmental around any setbacks.  Make it as impersonal as possible.  What is wrong is the plan, not you!  Look honestly at what is getting in the way and readjust your plan to align better with your reality.  

The three top reasons why people fail at their resolutions, according to research, are actually all attitude dependent.  The first is that we try to do too much.  We need to keep our focus  narrow and on making small steps that will lead to bigger ones.  The second reason is expecting change to happen quickly.  Lasting change takes time.  We can make a change in behavior quickly with a big burst of focus and effort, but it takes a sustained period of time for change to become our new normal.  People often get discouraged if things don’t happen right away.  Setting realistic expectations will help you to stay positive and enjoy the progress.  Finally, the third reason people give up on their goals is by quitting after a “failure.”  Viewing “failure” as data to learn from is a very important part of the process of change.  How fast you shake off a slip up and get back on track is a big predictor of achieving long term success.  

And my final piece of advice on the topic of change this year?  Celebrate along the way!  Don’t wait until next year to toast yourself.  Pick frequent milestones you can reward yourself for achieving.  And don’t forget, effort counts!  Even if you don’t hit the goals exactly, choose some rewards for staying committed and positive and not giving up.  Highlighting progress reinforces it and solidifies your gains.  Or your losses!  Whatever your goal, small steps make the journey.  Laugh along the way and enjoy the view.

As every self helper will tell you, to be successful at change requires good preparation.  So as the New Year approaches I thought it’d be the right time to start thinking about New Year’s goals now.  Not about how to achieve them, yet, but which ones are even right for you.  Because, if you’re like most people, you tend to throw goals at yourself in the last week of December mostly out of frustration. So, with a few weeks left of 2023, I invite you to step back to look at the bigger picture of your life and where you are in it.  Taking time for some honest self awareness can help you get more clarity in evaluating your options.   Developing goals with the best fit is so important to being able to sustain them and to feel good about the process of change along the way.  

A first step to self awareness is to get really curious about yourself.  Having an attitude of curiosity brings a less judgmental and more open attitude to your self reflection.  What do you look forward to?  What keeps you up at night?  Who and what do you like to spend time with and what do you avoid?  What do you secretly fantasize about doing or being? What feels missing in your life?  What are you most grateful for?  Just noticing your own habits and tendencies is a good place to start to best understand what and how change can be folded into your life.  To make it more fun, try taking a personality assessment.  The 16 personalities assessment is a free online tool to start with (https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test ).  It was adapted from the Myers Briggs Type Indicator that reflects how you take in and use information, what motivates you and how you relate to the word.

Journaling is a great way to reflect on these questions and to focus your curiosity.  You can start with the above questions or look for prompts you can find by looking up journaling.  Write without editing, let your words pour out without having to decide if what you’re saying is true or not.  Journaling is found to be such a helpful tool as it takes ideas and makes them concrete.  In this way we can have the ideas, invite them in, and then work with them.  Journaling has the role of expanding exploration and expression and doesn’t require a commitment to anything in particular.  

Next, read through what you have written and reflect on it.  What parts excite you, interest you, annoy you?  What thoughts make you cringe or reassure you?  Look to see if you can find any themes or patterns.  Generally, if you journal enough, patterns do emerge that can be a guide to places or ideas ripe to work with.  Pay attention to your body and what it may be telling you in physical sensations.  Sometimes stress can actually be excitement or anxiety can be anticipation.  Try to boil down the themes of what you have written into a few important areas where you’d like to do more or do less.  

Now is the time to let your analytical mind step in.  First it’s important to sort out from your list what are “have to dos” and what are “want to dos.”  “Have to do’s” are tricky ideas because they have a way of setting us up.  If you feel you should lose weight, should spend time with your obnoxious uncle, or should make a certain number of sales at work, it may be because of external pressures.  Are you choosing these ideas because you want to please others or some expectation that is not in line with your current values?  

In working with people around goal setting I’m always amazed at how an initial list of goals really will evolve when we look at the underlying motivations and get clear about what is true for us or not.  Sometimes we feel shame in letting go of a goal because we think we “should” want it.  But the reality is, you’re very unlikely to sustain the effort toward a goal if it’s coming from a place of negativity.   To be clear, I’m not saying only choose goals that are fun.  If you have a health issue for example and need to make a change for your overall well being, you will have to challenge yourself, for sure.  But in all my 30 years of working with people, I’ve rarely seen anyone achieve a difficult goal because someone else told them they should.  Prolonged action toward a goal involves finding your own relationship to the goal that is motivating and brings meaning.  I do not mean happiness, but personal meaning.  Staying on a path to a goal involves purpose, even when it’s unpleasant or even painful.  Only you can be honest with yourself and shape your goals toward an achievement that will really mean something for you that is worth a commitment.

Once you have sorted ideas about changes that align with your values, spend some time mapping out what steps you can break it down into.  Outline a reasonable timeline and the smaller goals within the bigger desired outcome.  This may be a good point to bring in a trusted person who can help you brainstorm and give you some insight to build a plan.  They may have the ability to see things you have missed or assess the expectations with a kinder eye and ear.

And finally, think about how these goals and intentions are similar and different from years past.  With a curious and compassionate lens, ask yourself what got in the way and what might be a better approach.  Sometimes, you weren’t really ready for a goal and can work toward it by achieving other goals first.  Think of your goal setting like a strategic plan, with layers of foundation that can be achieved each year to get you toward your ultimate destination.

Most experts recommend choosing one to three main goals to work on at a time.  If you take on too many, it tends to wear you out and means your focus will be spread too thin to stay on track.   And look for signs that you may not have chosen the right ones and may need to adjust them. If you find yourself constantly needing a  “fresh start,” beware! Us “fresh start” people can find any reason to begin again  –   new outfit, new day, new idea!  But frequently needing a fresh start means you may have been a bit too ambitious or didn’t think through the possible setbacks that slip you up. t’s fine to take this as feedback and replan your approach. Because the goal is to prepare well enough that you won’t have to keep making a fresh start toward your goal, at least until the next New Year.

With the holiday season upon us, there’ll be lots of social gatherings.  Oh so many gatherings – family, friends, co-workers, volunteer events, and on and on.  These celebrations are really lovely most of the time, but for a lot of us there are those situations and those people that make it really challenging to have fun.  One of those types of people and interactions has to do with interruptions.  I really hear it a lot about how people dread a holiday meal because they get talked over and cut off, feel invalidated and insignificant, no matter what they try to say.  So today, in preparation for the season, I did a little digging into cutting people off.

The first thing I have to say is we all do it!  I really like to pride myself on being a good listener, but the truth is, I am a good listener when I’m focused on it.  But in family discussions, I’ve been accurately accused of cutting someone off.  Am I a narcissist only focused on myself?  I think not.  Am I selfish, wanting only to hear my own voice?  I hope not.  So what is it that makes generally well intentioned people interrupt and take the attention away from someone else?

There is a psychology to interrupting.  Research on interrupting behavior indicates certain factors that determine how often someone does it.  One aspect is culture and family background.  For some families, the norm is to talk over one another and to cut in to make your point.  These people tend not to be aware of their interrupting and see it as a normal part of an interesting and dynamic conversation.  It isn’t quite seen as interrupting as it is a normal part of discourse.  For some interrupters, it is a matter of impatience.  These people tend to be goal driven people who want to get straight to a point and take control of a conversation pace.  And for some circumstances, a person is so excited about what is being talked about that they cannot control their own impulse to share and contribute their ideas.  People also tend to interrupt when they’re afraid they’ll forget what they want to say.  It’s common for older people to interrupt more frequently as they worry if they don’t say something, they’ll lose what they want to say.

There are also gender differences in interrupting behavior.  Research from George Washington University demonstrated that men interrupt women more than they interrupt men.  In fact, they found that men interrupted women 33% more often than they did other men.  In measuring a 3 minute conversation, men interrupted women 2.1 times and other men only 1.8 times.  In contrast, women interrupted both women and men only once.  These gender differences may be a result of unspoken power differentials.  People who have an ascribed higher status tend to feel others want to hear what they have to say.

While it may not be intentional, interrupting, even for benign reasons, can have an eroding effect in a relationship.  When we’re interrupted it feels as if our opinions or thoughts aren’t valued and leave us feeling powerless and shut down.  In fact, interrupting can have a strong effect of controlling the other person in denying their basic rights to even express an opinion, idea, or feeling.  It is a form of dominance when done to an extreme.

So, what can we do about interrupting?  There are ways to address it both as a person who is interrupting and as a person who is being interrupted.  The first step is to pay more attention. Just noticing your impulse to jump in before someone is finished is a big help.  And as a speaker, are you allowing others to have equal time in speaking?  Are you picking up social cues that others are wanting to join in?  Sometimes a speaker can invite interruptions if they tend to be a long drawn out story teller.  Make sure there is a lot of back and forth opportunity in the flow of your conversation.  Being a respectful speaker can go a long way into fostering respectful listeners.

And to address the interrupters, sometimes a little hand gesture can do the trick.  Lifting your hand up with a subtle, “let me finish my thought” movement can be enough.  Other times you can set the stage to avoid being interrupted.  For example, at work, you can let people know that you will present your ideas and then there will be time for questions and feedback.  Set an expectation that you want to be listened to fully first.  And in more casual conversations, you can set the stage by asking if you can tell them a story of what happened to you that is rather complicated and  “I’d love to hear your thoughts when I’m done.” Or simply a firm statement, “May I finish, please,” can be a polite way that seems like a request but is actually setting a boundary.

Of course, if you can address this with someone at a time when you are calm, that could be the most helpful.  Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is important rather than accusing them of intentional disrespect.  Be curious.  “I noticed you were interrupting me a lot. Were you just really excited about the idea?”  Or, “I wonder if you were in a hurry?”  Often people don’t notice they’re even doing it.  You may want to ask their permission if you can let them know when it happens and then have a reminder cue at the ready.

And what if it’s your Uncle Fred who dominates the dinner conversation every Thanksgiving?  It may not be worth it to make a fuss.  The best thing is not to allow yourself to be triggered into reactive behavior.  It’s easy to become passive aggressive or snippy at these times, which only makes it unpleasant for you.  Why not make it a drinking game, every time Fred interrupts, you and your sibling lift your glass with a smile? Or start a conversation with other people sitting near you?  Or think of the potential benefits.  While Uncle Fred is babbling on and on, the rest of you can finish all the pie. I tend to be less talkative when pecan pie is at hand…and in my mouth!

I’ve been struggling with both how and what to write since the brutal terrorist attacks of October 7th in Israel and the subsequent horrific ongoing war.  I’ve been looking up articles on how to cope and how to protect your mental health, but they all seem so woefully inadequate to the situation and for the depth of what I feel.  Cutting back on media time, taking a walk in nature, doing an act of kindness for someone…they all seem so superficial when addressing these events.  This experience is more than vicarious traumatization or or secondary trauma, it is trauma with a capital T.  It is personal for me and so many around the world, it is scary, and it is contagious.  So today, I have no answers, only some reflections from my experience in working with trauma.  There is no doubt, trauma begets trauma.  The pain invoked by trauma, unless carefully addressed and attended to, only leads to lashing out, reactivity, and the infliction of more pain.  It is with this in mind I share my thoughts with you about our pain and how important it is to hold it carefully.

It hurts.  The brutal attack on Israelis hurts.  The fact that over 240 people are being held hostage hurts.  The suffering of so many Palestinian people for what the terrorists did is painful.  The images of children and elderly, innocents and victims on all sides, injured and dying is painful.  The fear people live in as the bombing continues all night long is painful.  The loss of homes and communities is so painful.  The feeling of helplessness is so painful.  The spreading of misinformation and propaganda is painful.  The brutal stabbing of a 6 year old Palestinian American boy is painful.  The image of swastikas being drawn on a Jewish cemetery in Europe is painful.  The thirst and hunger and deprivation of civilians in Gaza is so painful. The media posts and spread of hatred is painful.  Going to my synagogue and seeing a police presence for security is painful.  Seeing the words “From river to the sea” projected on the walls at college campuses is painful.  There is so, so, so much pain that it feels too overwhelming.  We are not just passive witnesses to atrocity, we are also victims. 

But we are not powerless, although we may feel that way.  We do have the power to control how we respond to this pain and an opportunity to limit the spread and effects of aggression.  Every human being deserves a place to live that is safe, where they can raise their family in good health, and express their culture.  One person’s safety should not be at the expense of others.  And yet, here we have a centuries old conflict perpetuating violence and hatred, setting up another century of violence and hatred.  How we, as the rest of the world, respond to what is happening is all we can control at this time, but is the most important thing we can do of consequence.  We have the opportunity to be an example.  We have an opportunity to take a deep breath and choose our words carefully.  We have the chance to step back and increase our understanding and our compassion for all peoples.  We have a choice in how we use our pain to be in support of de-escalation and peace or in fanning the embers of burning resentments.

Holding pain is so difficult.  It’s so much easier to jump to action to discharge the pain.  We blame, we rant, we hop on bandwagons to make ourselves feel better and righteous, we tear down a poster, we lump all people together in one group called “those people.” We do so to distract from the pain and momentarily mute it. Yet, in doing so, we perpetuate the divisiveness of conflict and the infliction of pain.  Instead, we need to listen.  We need to listen to the urges inside of us and the fear underlying our behavior.  We need to listen to others and acknowledge their pain and the fear that drives them to action.  I do believe that only by being an example of how to come together under such painful circumstances can we offer any chance to be a power for good and not a perpetrator of further conflict.

The international community must hold on to the values of peace and peaceful protest, democratic values of self determination and accountability.  We must resist the pull to polarization and hold a space for negotiation and validation.  We must denounce and condemn violence and support the process of negotiation. This is a conflict of great complexity and implication.  We cannot boil it down to a slogan or a meme.

I recently returned from a trip to Romania, coming back to CA on October 8th.  I was there in search of a connection to my ancestry of roots in the Romanian Jewish community.  I was so incredibly saddened at learning the history of the death of over 400,000 Jews in Romania, second only to Germany in loss of Jewish lives.  Prior to the war there were 750,000 Jews in Romania.  Today, there are only 8,000, most of whom are elderly.  “You are looking at the last of the Jews in Romania,” our guide said as he spoke in the synagogue in Bucharest. Most Jews fortunate to avoid the death camps were able to escape, some to the US, but most to Israel.  

There is a universal human need and right for both physical safety and emotional safety.  We must be free to be who we are, feel what we do, and  think what we might.  But this freedom cannot be without responsibility and accountability, respect and tolerance.  The incredible pain we are all feeling is a good example of our profound capacity for caring and empathy.  Now we must hold onto it as we hold on to our humanity, respecting it, feeling it, and using it to guide us with wisdom and for the sake and goal of transformation to a better path toward resolution for the next generation.  As we therapists say to victims of trauma in their journey of healing, you are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for how you respond to it.

A lovely woman that I work with was agitated and tearful, covering her face with the words, “I feel like I just don’t matter.”  Indeed, in some ways she was right, unfortunately.  Her daughter has a progressive neurological disease, and despite how much she wants to fix things for her daughter, her efforts will not be successful.  In reflecting with this devoted mother, we talked about the sense of helplessness that can envelope us when we can’t control the things we wish we could.  Feeling like you don’t matter is  such a common experience during hard times, adding to feelings of isolation on a very deep level.  So when I saw a write up about a book, The Psychology of Mattering, it caught my attention, confirming my sense of how important this attribute is to well being.  In today’s post, I hope to share with you about this important component of mental health in the hope that it matters.

Author Gordon Flett, a professor at New York University, has done extensive research on the topic of “mattering.”  He concludes that a sense of mattering is a core human need and is an important component in healthy relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Mattering refers to feeling valued, heard, and appreciated.  It differs from self esteem, connection, or belonging.  Mattering is more than just feeling that you belong in a group, but that you would be missed if you weren’t there.  To matter, you need to feel like you add value in a way that makes you feel capable, important, and trusted.  Isaac Prlleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami, describes it as a two part definition:  Both feeling valued and adding value. 

Research suggests that when we feel like we matter, we experience more self compassion, relationship satisfaction, and have a greater belief in our capacity to achieve our goals.  In contrast, when we feel we don’t matter, we tend to experience burn out, self criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression, and are even at greater risk of suicide.  We can all relate to this contrast.  Think about a relationship in which you feel you matter.  It’s a wonderful feeling! I have great memories of my Grandmother Rose, who even before I knew about this concept, taught me about this feeling.  She always listened to me with great interest and reached out when it was important. Even when she lost her eyesight, she could tell in my voice how I was doing.   She made me feel I could do what I dreamt of.  We can also think about relationships or settings/groups in which we don’t feel like we matter.  It’s so disheartening. In fact, in close relationships, especially in families, not mattering can be a form of abuse with long term effects on self worth.  Neglect was once aptly described to me as “abuse of the soul.”

When it comes to mattering, we can’t change how we were raised or if we’ve experienced discrimination, exclusion, or unfair treatment in many circumstances, which all have a great impact on our sense of mattering.  But there are things we can do to change how we perceive our value and to mitigate the effects of these circumstances.  Researchers suggest several steps to help increase our sense of mattering.  First, it can help to identify your own strengths.  Think about a time when you felt useful.  What activities make you feel not only that you are good at them, but that make you feel good while you’re doing them.  Then look for ways you can increase engagement in these activities and how you might incorporate them in places where you might feel unseen or disenfranchised.  Look for activities with values and goals that align with what matters to you and invest your time in them. Another tool for increasing your sense of mattering is to do an inventory of the areas of your life and compare where you feel valued and where you don’t.  What do these things have in common and what makes them different?  Can you make changes or is it time to shift your focus, not wasting your time trying to get “blood from a stone?”  For example, when you’ve made efforts to be seen or be rewarded for your work, are you met with resistance or were you acknowledged? 

Another tool to increase your feeling of mattering is to actively increase your presence in your relationships.  Dr. Prilleltensky recommends telling people why and how much you appreciate them.  You can add value in your relationships by asking someone open ended questions to better understand their perspectives while communicating that you care about their experiences.  By being more present with people, you increase their awareness of your presence.  In contrast, if you have tried and don’t get the acknowledgement you need, it’s ok to pull back from a relationship.  We have a broad spectrum of relationships to choose from, in our work life, personal life, and in our families.  Shifting your focus and choosing with whom you spend your time and energy is a way of taking control.  There are times when we blame ourselves for not mattering, and it can wear on our self esteem.  We can internalize a sense of not mattering and begin to feel helpless and worthless. 

Just as mattering is a basic human need, it’s also true that having this need go unmet is a part of the human experience.  So when you can, remind yourself that you’re not alone and that the sense of being worthless is not a fact, but a feeling.  Try not to over-identify with the feeling and shift your focus to gently challenge the idea.  What about the situation, not you, is making you feel less valued?  What can you do or whom can you connect with to help support your sense of value?  

And like the woman I shared about in the opening of this post, being in a helpless and scary situation can challenge our sense of mattering, as we feel inadequate to the circumstances.  But indeed, she did matter, quite forcefully, in being there for her daughter and providing loving compassion and support.    But often when we’re in the middle of feeling we don’t matter, it takes someone else to point it out to us and provide perspective.  Everyone needs and deserves a Granny Rose.  I used to call her  when I was feeling unseen.  Just hearing her cheerful voice saying in her deep NY accent, “Heddo, Dawling” made me feel better.  Now I try to honor her memory by hoping  to be that voice for others.  I sure do miss her.  She truly mattered!