With the official welcoming of Fall this past week, we begin to see the signs of the change of season.  In addition to the sale of “Pumpkin-Spice” everything lately, the leaves are slowly changing color, the morning air is crisp, and darkness descends earlier each day.  Personally, I love Fall.  I love to visit pumpkin patches and eat butternut squash soup.  I enjoy watching football (yes, even when the NY Giants are terrible, again) and pulling out my boots and sweaters. Somehow, the change to Fall represents the biggest transition in seasons to me, each year reminding me of the losses and new beginnings that are inevitable with change.

Besides all the things I look forward to about Fall and the abundance of the harvest at this time of year, I can’t help but feel a bitter sweetness as life around me goes dormant.  The dying leaves turn brown and fall to the ground, dried up and crunchy as I walk along the path.  The dark evenings and cold weather bring me inside, more isolated and withdrawn from the rest of the world.  For some people, the darkness brings real changes in mood, as the lack of daylight hours affects them psychologically.  Spiritually, the coming of Fall reminds me that nothing lasts forever.  Whether I am going through a period of great joy and good fortune, or loneliness and loss, the experience will give way and something new will take its place.  Life comes and goes in cycles, and we pass through the stages of our lives in rhythms, too.

There is something very reassuring to me about these transitions.  The inevitability of the season’s change reminds me that I am but one small being living in a vast natural order that needs nothing from me in order for it to occur. We all experience the changes together, a humbling reminder of our shared existence and our limited role in the celestial happenings of the Earth’s rotations.  It is also a reminder about time, a reflection of the passing of the years and a way that I notice the shifts in myself and my family from season to season and year to year. Each Halloween I remember what my kids wore every year for their costumes, from the time they picked out their little girl fairy costumes to the sophisticated plans they now make with friends.  Each Thanksgiving I note who gathers for the celebration, and who is no longer among us.  The cycles of the seasons represent both a fresh opportunity and a letting go.

The earth renews itself through death and rebirth.  The framework of this natural process inspires me through my own times of change.  I am old enough now to remember many happy times, and many dark times.  Embracing the cyclic patterns of renewal can help us cope in the times of darkness.  We know that out of the darkness comes the light and from death comes rebirth.  After Fall will be Winter, and after Winter there will be Spring.  And by the time this happens I will be ready to pack up my sweaters and pull out the sandals, listen to basketball instead of football, turn the clock forward for brighter days anticipating nature’s first bloom.

A central theme of the Jewish New Year, which is celebrated this week, is forgiveness.  It is a time of reflection to take stock of our lives and do our best to make amends to the people we feel we need to make things right with.  It is also a time for letting go.  We consider what is holding us back and weighing us down, and do our best to release it.   To be honest, I have tended to focus on the side of relieving my guilt and trying to make up for what wrongs I feel have done, hoping to be forgiven.  In a way, however, this has been selfish, because as I have been thinking about forgiveness this year, I realize forgiving others is just as important a process in healing the wounds in relationship and for truly having an open heart.

When I began to think about being forgiving, some obvious situations came to mind as times where I had been hurt or wronged.  But then as I more carefully began to notice my feelings, I discovered how often I was putting myself in the role of a victim and carrying past resentments with me into the present.  For example, I was heading to a meeting at my daughter’s school and found myself unsettled at the thought that a particular mother would probably be there.  This was a woman that I had felt wronged by from an incident last year.  It distracted me and took away some of the good feeling I would otherwise have had.  Another day, in dealing with a family member, I found myself irritated with their asking something of me that they were not able to do for me in the past.  Rather than be able to respond to this person in the moment and feel good about it, old tapes began to play in my mind, once again reminding me of ways that this person had disappointed me that had nothing to do with the current day.  By holding a grudge, I was not only hurting myself, but creating a barrier between me and my family.

In his book, Forgive For Good, Dr. Fred Luskin explores the benefits of forgiveness.  Motivated by his own personal experience, he began to research the healing aspects of forgiveness.  What he found is that people who forgive tend to be happier and healthier, both physically and emotionally.  People often resist forgiving someone because they feel in some way it is saying that what had happened to them was ok.  What people find, however, is actually the opposite.  In order to forgive, we must first truly understand the hurt and fully acknowledge what we experienced.  Forgiving is about moving into the hurt and then moving through it, rather than rigidly holding onto it and allowing it to continue to live inside us.  Forgiveness is a way of moving out of resentment and freeing ourselves up.  It is an empowering change that releases us from victimhood and lets us live in the moment instead of the past.

Forgiveness is an internal process.  We may choose to talk about it with the person we are forgiving or choose not to.  Either way, by engaging in forgiveness, we shift the relationship we have with the person involved.  Forgiveness can also apply to yourself.  What anger are you holding onto about mistakes you made that might be punishing you with self judgments and shame?  If you think you are ready to do some letting go, join me in reading Dr. Luskin’s book and participating in his Forgiveness Project.  It is not an easy process, as it means taking more responsibility for our lives, but the benefit of the peace it can bring seems worth the effort.

Change inherently means loss.  Even when you make a change that’s for the better, it means letting go of old ways, old relationships, and maybe even an older version of yourself.  Recognizing this loss as a process of grieving can help make sense of what you are feeling as you go through changes and help you cope with the array of mixed emotions that usually come along the way.

When a change happens that we didn’t want, it’s easy to understand our sense of loss.  But it can be confusing when we feel irritable or sad when we actually experience a change we’ve desired.  “What’s wrong with me?” you wonder.  Sometimes what you’re missing is obvious (like the cheesecake for dessert), but there’s also the unfolding of more subtle layers of your loss as you experience life in a new way, having given up someone or some previous way of being.  Even with a change you initiate, like moving to a new place or starting a new job, giving up the sense of yourself you had in the old environment can be difficult.  A new hometown or a new job can make us feel we have lost our identity or even our competency as we take on unfamiliar challenges, compared to the life we had mastered previously.  I remember simply finding a doctor when I moved to California being rather stressful.  It was hard not only because so few that were recommended were taking new patients, but it signaled to me that everything I had known and trusted was no longer available to me.

Giving up an old habit can be like losing a friend.  It had always been there for you when you needed it.  Even though you might have wanted to make the change for a long time, such as losing weight, going back to school, or drinking less alcohol, there will be a period of time where you feel that something is missing.  Be good to yourself.  Sadness, irritability, and questioning why you are doing it in the first place are all part of the process.  Recognize these feelings as part of your mourning period and then think about all the good things you will gain by what you are giving up.  It might also be good to give yourself a few extra treats at this time, such as a massage, dinner date, or something else you enjoy.

Don’t be afraid to talk to people about how you feel.  You’ll be surprised at how many people can relate to what you feel in response to your changes.  Just as change is inevitable, so is loss.  Grief comes in waves, but you eventually learn to live with the new reality.  Do what you can to calm the waters of your life, but also build yourself a good boat of support until you can make it to smoother sailing.

Half hearted efforts can undermine our goals. They fool us into thinking that we’ve tried and failed, when really we haven’t given ourselves a true chance for success. For example, when someone really wants to quit smoking, I often hear them promise themselves that “next week I’m going to try not to have any.” Then they look sad as they remember all the times they have “tried not to have any” before. Big life changes require a full commitment that cuts through our ambivalence and offers us maximum support. So I advise them that its time to commit to a Quit Date, when they will move from trying to quit, to actually quitting.

Choosing a date to start a change is an important psychological step. It marks the point when you transition from your old way of doing things to your new way. It helps guide you through the process of change as you select the appropriate date, prepare for it, actually do it, and then support yourself and address the challenges that arise once you make the change. In picking a Change Date, it’s important to strike the right balance of being far enough away that you’ll have time to prepare and feel mostly ready, but not so far away that you’re avoiding action. Some people like to pick a date that has emotional significance. A woman I worked with slected her upcoming birthday as the day to give notice at her job, telling herself that taking the leap to a new career was the best gift she could give herself.

On the actual Change Date it’s a good idea to do something special to mark the occasion. You can engage in some type of a ritual, such as floating some flowers in a body of water or writing a good bye letter to your habit and burning it in a fire pit. If you have a particular religious or spiritual tradition, you can use this to create a ceremony that’s personally meaningful to you. By participating in a ritual, you symbolize your transition and initiate the emotional process of letting go of something old in order to fully commit to something new.

In preparing for your Change Date, it’s important to create a careful plan for yourself. Just as marriage is not merely a wedding, your Change Date marks the transition to a new life that will have the greatest chance of success if you’ve really thought through what it is you want and how you can best support yourself in achieving it. It’s important to enter your commitment in a way that is positive (no shot gun weddings, please) and honors your new partnership with yourself. So if weeks go by when you walk by the scale telling yourself you’re going to try to eat healthier, set the date to actually step on, mark your starting point, and begin tracking your progress with a new eating plan. You might just find joy in a new habit you can count on, to have and to hold from that day forward.

In Writer’s Digest the author tells me I have to “make time to write every day” if I truly want to be a better writer.  At the gym, the poster tells me I have to “make time for regular physical activity” if I want to be healthy, and when I get home I remember my promise to myself that I would “make more time” for my marriage.  Then when I help my daughter with her homework, I remember I was planning on “making time” to talk with my other daughter about her college applications, and then I also remember promising my mother I would “make time” to help her with writing some important checks.  Experts, including our own inner critic, are all so quick to tell us that if we value something, we can “find the time” to do it.

So what magic potion am I missing?  What sorcerers spell or witch’s brew do others seem to have that I don’t that can put more hours in the day?  When I look at the clock, I just can’t do the math to add up enough time for all that I want to do.  Not to mention how to do this along with the other things I have to do, like my job, grocery shop, cook, clean up, and drive my daughter to practice.  How do I possibly make time for all of these important things?  And truly, just because I can’t figure out how, does not mean these things are not important to me.

I hear this same complaint from a lot of other people.  There is simply not enough time to do all things we have to do, so fitting in all the things we want to do feels impossible.  Telling myself I have to “make time” simply “makes me” feel guilty.  It also makes me feel sad, overwhelmed, and incredibly stressed.  It takes the joy out of life as I rush to fit things in or if I skip something and feel badly about it.  Particularly when we’re trying to make changes in our lives, such as taking better care of our health, learning a new skill, or taking on a new responsibility, this edict that you can “make time if it is important to you,” can really be demoralizing.

The fact is, it’s not healthy or productive for you to miss sleep to wake up at 5 am to exercise if you’re already exhausted, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be committed to an exercise plan.  And you simply can’t justify ignoring your family when they need you in the evening to make sure you write every day, but that doesn’t mean you don’t really want to improve.  Even though I know it’s true that we have to prioritize and make space for new or important activities, I also think we have to be realistic about the truths of our lives.  The fact is, on any given day, we are a complex patchwork of needs and values.  Most people simply can’t have it all, at least not all at one time.  Sometimes we have to let go of or alter some of our goals or intentions in order to make room for others.  Instead of trying to vertically squish more into a calendar day, we may serve ourselves best by spreading it out horizontally over time.

In making changes that will last, we have to be mindful of our true capacity.  We have to think in the long term, balancing what desires and demands we face right now.  Sometimes we have to ask someone we love to be patient with us, as we take on another priority for a while.  Or, we may have to put off one priority until we can get a handle on a more pressing one.  Maybe last year you trained for a a 10K, but this year you have to walk instead of run for exercise because you don’t have the time to change, run, and shower and get to the class you need to take to further your career?

Stress management and healthy living is less about packing our days full of priorities, and more about mindfully balancing them throughout our lives.  Having the flexibility to accommodate shifting priorities is a life skill that takes time to learn and a dose of wisdom from experience to implement.  But letting go of the judgmental voices that tell us that we should be doing more when we know we can’t is a lifestyle change worth “making time” for.

When bad things happen to us or the people we love, it’s normal to feel down and frustrated.  But when really bad things happen, or when a number of bad things occur that seem to add up, we can become paralyzed by feelings of helplessness.  Losing our sense of control over what matters to us most can be emotionally devastating.   Research shows it can actually put our mental and physical health at risk.  Fortunately, in working with some inspiring people and getting through my own periods of helplessness, I have been encouraged by noticing some shifts we can make that seem to help transform feelings of helplessness and increase our resilience.

Back in school, I was fortunate enough to study with Martin Seligman, a brilliant research psychologist who discovered a phenomenon he called “learned helplessness.”  While he was working on an experiment, he observed an unusual finding.  Dogs that were given a shock quickly learned that they could avoid the shock by jumping over a barrier to escape it.  But dogs who previously had been given shocks that they could not escape, didn’t learn how to escape, because they didn’t even try.  These dogs simply lied down and trembled, assuming there was nothing they could do to alleviate the pain.  The dogs exhibited symptoms of doggy-depression, resigned to endure their suffering.  Even when encouraged with rewards, the dogs did not move.  They had learned to be helpless.  Seligman actually had to physically drag the dogs across the barrier many times for the dogs to discover that there was something they could do to help themselves.

Fortunately, I started working on research with Marty when he began to apply his research to people.  He found that just like the dogs, people are at risk of depression when they’re exposed to stressors they cannot escape.  Seligman’s Learned Helplessness Theory of Depression has received a lot of support as one of the risks for and mechanisms of depression.   Having little control over events in our lives not only causes us to feel sad and hopeless, but we lose the ability to take the steps we can to help ourselves.  This in turn, fuels the depression and causes us to stay trapped in a negative cycle.

So how do we overcome helplessness?  Just like the dogs, we have to drag ourselves over the barrier.  We have to make ourselves take action, even if it’s in our attitude.  One way to do this is by choosing acceptance.  This may seem paradoxical, but it’s actually quite powerful.  Rather than resigning ourselves to be a victim, we can work toward the goal of acceptance, which puts our minds and hearts into action.  In choosing to work toward acceptance, we move forward to engage in coping.  We recognize that there are things in life that happen to us that we cannot control, but that we can do things to cope.  This shift helps engage us in the healing process of grieving, first by acknowledging what happened, and then feeling the sadness, anger, and disruption in the loss of what we once had.  In choosing a path of acceptance, we can reach out for support and talk about what happened, giving ourselves the permission and motivation to be active in identifying and taking care of our needs.

It is no accident that the first step for a member in Alcoholics Anonymous is admitting that you are powerless.  This acceptance helps you move into the activities of the next 11 steps.  But as I often say that change is a process, so is acceptance.  It takes time and effort.  But in working through our responses to the bad things that happen to us in life as a process of acceptance, rather than a passive life of endurance, we put ourselves in charge again.  I have been remarkably inspired in watching people who are confronted by the most challenging circumstances demonstrate the most amazing humility and resourcefulness through acceptance.  A man I knew whose wife had cancer put it best.  He said, “I’ve been sitting around asking why this happened.  But then last night I just told myself there was nothing I could do about it, so why not take her out dancing.”

A great tool used in working with change is called a Readiness Ruler.  It is a quick scale to help you evaluate where you are in your process regarding a particular change.  On the scale of 0 to 10, you honestly estimate your readiness.  There is no right or wrong answer.  It is meant to be a check-in on your readiness at this moment in time.   0 means “no way I can’t even think about it right now,” and 10 means, “I am ready to get started.”   Once you circle your number on theruler, there are a set of questions you ask yourself that will help support potential movement toward your goal, starting right where you are. Questions To Consider:

What made you pick the number you did?   What are the reasons to stay the same?  (There are usually good reasons why we do what we do)  What are the reasons to change?  Then, depending on your number, ask yourself the following:

0 – 3:  What would need to happen for me to consider this change in the future?

In this range you recognize you have little desire or energy to make the change right now.  In this stage, it might be helpful to consider what circumstances might increase your readiness.  This might be reaching a certain point (such as a certain weight or level on a health measure), an event (such as having a child), or a time period (such as after finishing a semester or reaching a certain age).

4 – 6:  What might be my next step?

In this range you have some motivation and feel somewhat ready, so it’s time to put together a concrete plan.  You might do some research and gather information (nutrition, resources, options) or you might begin to reach out for support.  The key to this stage is to develop a specific plan, so that if you were ready to take some action, you would know what to do.  Making your plan is a beginning action that moves you toward your goal.

7 – 10:  What might be an action step?  What will help me be successful?

In this range, you are ready to take some direct action.  Looking at your plan, what next step can you make?  What can you do to best support yourself to give you the best chance to succeed?  This might be to journal your actions, give yourself a reward, tell someone about your actions, and even ask someone to do it with you.

No matter where you are on the ruler, research shows that just by using this tool, you will be more likely to move toward your goal. Knowing yourself and being honest about your readiness can help you plan the next step, or even decide when a good time might be to take a next step.  Readiness can shift up and down at points in the future. Using the ruler helps bring self-awareness to your current situation and clarify what might be helpful to move forward.  In contemplating the questions that go along with the phase you are in, you shine a light on the path ahead that leads toward your goal.

It’s surprising how people who seem so sweet and rational, when upset, can do the most outrageous things.  In describing what happened, they often pinpoint something that someone did that suddenly provoked their behavior.  “When he did that, I just lost it,” is a common phrase.  But for people with anger issues, despite the feeling that their eruptions are caused by something that someone else did, it’s usually not the full explanation.  More commonly, it’s not really what someone did, but the story they tell themselves about it, that is the real root of their reactivity.

A woman I recently worked with was furious when she read a text by her husband when she was driving home from work.  Her husband had written that he was worried about paying their mortgage that month and wanted to spend some time reviewing their finances when she got home.  As she drove, my client became increasingly upset.  By the time she walked in the door she was furious at her husband, yelling at him about him wanting to grill her about her spending.  She pulled her checkbook from her purse and threw it across the table at him and stormed out of the room.  What had happened?  At first she blamed her husband’s text for making her angry.  But after we explored it, what actually had made her mad was the story she had told herself about her husband’s text.  Just the week before she had spent some extra money on shoes and a present for her sister.  She felt somewhat guilty about the purchases, knowing they were a bit of an indulgence.  When she received his text, she jumped to the conclusion that he was upset about her spending and was planning on “grilling her” about her spending.  In fact, when they finally talked about their spending, he was more concerned about why their electric bill had been so high.

Our interpretation of what happens in our lives is just as important, if not more important, than what actually happens.  The good news is that we can work with our interpretations.  As the phrase goes, “we can’t control what happens, only our reactions to what happens.”   Often, when we consistently overreact to situations, it’s because we have developed certain patterns in how we interpret events based on painful experiences from the past.  You might jump to conclusions that others are out to take advantage of you.  Or you may tend to feel that you always have to defend yourself from being critisized.  In addition, we also develop certain pattern with certain people, like our siblings or partners triggering certain reactions in us.  These patterns, while usually having some basis for how they developed, can be inappropriately infused in situations where our interpretation is based on our history rather than the current situation.  We create stories to fit our interpretation patterns that can get in the way of understanding the truth of a current situation, or at least in considering another person’s perspective.

Stepping back to look at our story is an important way of controlling our reactions, whether it’s jealousy, anxiety, or having our feelings hurt.  Especially for people who tend to have anger issues, taking the time to see what may be the difference between what happened and what the story is we are telling ourselves about what happened, can be a great help.  Identifying what layers we may be adding, especially about people’s intentions, might just allow us to be more in control of our reactions, and ultimately happier!

I saw an article in the Business section of my local paper the other day regarding the stock value of the company Fitbit, which went public in June.  If you’re not already wearing one, a Fitbit device is an exercise tracking system worn on the wrist that counts steps, calories burned, heart rate, and even sleep.  The financial long term prediction for Fitbit, according to the financial expert, was not particularly positive, despite an initial run up in value.  The reason?  After loyally using them at first, most Fitbit consumers stopped wearing their wrist band by the 6 month mark.  After finding out how many steps or calories they burned in the first few weeks, Fitbit users no longer found the feedback useful or interesting anymore.

I thought about this article in light of what I know about change.  Research has tended to show the opposite effect.  “Self-monitoring,” as it is called, is usually one of the most helpful things to do when working towards a goal.  In fact, studies have shown that just by writing down everything you eat, people tend to lose weight.  Or by keeping a log of activity, people tend to exercise more.  Or keeping a spreadsheet of what tasks you have accomplished in completing a project helps to keep you on target.  Tracking what you do brings awareness to your behavior.  It helps you identify your progress in reaching a goal and helps you stay on course.  Feedback regarding our actual behavior is motivating and provides useful accountability in working toward our goal one day at a time.

So, in the face of all this, and despite the eager attitude of Fitbit customers who have spent a fair amount of money, why are so many wristbands piling up in our homes?  The answer I think is burn out.  After the initial learning, we get tired of seeing the same information over and over again.  We already know how many steps we take in an average day or what our heart rate range tends to be.  There is nothing new to learn and so the information feels tiresome.  It may even be discouraging when our initial hopes for improving our effort plateaus.

Human nature tends to operate in a paradoxical way.  We actually fairly quickly adapt to changes in routines, while at the very same time we’re extremely attentive to what is new.  In fact, it’s just because we habituate to what is constant that we have the energy and mental alertness to perceive what is new.  If we had to constantly monitor everything, we would never notice a potentially useful or dangerous change that may be critical to our survival.  So once information becomes repetitive, it tends to lose its value in our priorities.

So, how do we avoid this feedback burn out?  The answer seems to involve keeping the information novel in some way by making it more lively and interactive.  One way to do this is to keep changing your goals.  Challenge yourself to do things in a different way each week.  Using the Fitbit example, one week try to set a new goal for your step count.  The next, see if you can increase the time you are in your heart rate range for cardiovascular health.  Or alternate weeks of using the Fitbit.  Another way to keep yourself engaged in feedback is to review your information with other people.  Using the food journal, for example, it might helpful to discuss your food log with a partner each week, reducing the urge to simply write things down (or even skip writing something down) without reflecting on your habits.  Talk with someone about your progress, your food habits, and your pitfalls.  And don’t forget rewards.  A great way to keep something interesting is if you have something invested in it.  Make a list of potential rewards and give them to yourself whenever you reach a milestone that is important for you.  Make the rewards meaningful and fun.

Change is a lot of work.  And to stay constant in our change, we have to keep change changing!

When you go through something challenging, it’s normal to have feelings that are “all over the map,” as they say.  This is especially true when you’re coping with the loss of something or someone you really care about.  During these times it’s so important to have people and places in your life where you can share and be totally open about your experience.   Although they can’t solve your problem, these connections actually serve as important coping tools, both as pressure valves that help you release what’s building up and as safety nets that support you during a time of instability.

Times of crisis bring a mix of emotion:  fear, sadness, hope, rage, and helplessness.  And even though you may have wonderful people in your life who want nothing more than to help you, not everyone close to you can tolerate feeling your feelings with you.  They may tell you things like “you shouldn’t think negatively,” when you express your fear, or “things happen for a reason” when you share how angry you are.  Because of their own emotional reactions, they just may not have the capacity to empathize along with you.  It can be confusing, even frustrating to be responded to in this way, but don’t let this shut you down or make you wonder if your feelings are wrong.

While of course there is benefit from positive thinking, speaking your fears will in no way cause them to come true.  In fact, what therapists and counselors know from experience is that talking about your sadness and fears actually helps you move through them and makes them more feel more manageable.  But you need to express yourself in an environment that is emotionally safe.  You may be lucky enough to know someone who can do this for you, already.  More often, though, you may have to ask for it directly.  People want to be helpful, so they’ll offer advice or give you their opinion about what you need to do.  Don’t be afraid to gently, but clearly, let them know that what you need is listening and understanding.  Reassure them that even though they may not feel that they are “doing” anything, they are, in fact, offering something of great significance.   

In some situations, in order to find your safety net you might need to share with people who aren’t so personally close to your situation or you may need to find people who have been through something similar to what you’re going through.  Support groups are a great place to find others who have the experience to understand what you feel, yet the distance to not take things personally.  They can offer insight and resources that may be right on target.  It is amazing how many support groups are out there if you start looking for them by asking local professionals or searching on the internet.  And you don’t have to have a mental health issue to seek therapy.  Therapists offer a place to “unpack,” as I like to call it, all of the emotions you carry when your journey takes you through difficult territory.

Having someone to share our burden with is healing.  It releases pent up emotion and helps us feel less alone.  So when you feel broken, or have the urge to fix someone you care about, remember that quiet listening (the pressure valve) and an authentic non-judgmental presence (the safety net) are often the best coping tools.