Last week’s blog talked about the importance of meaningfully connecting to your goal as a way of enhancing motivation.  The next step after deciding you really believe in your goal is to assess if you really believe you’re capable of achieving it.  This second step is often quite subtle, but research shows the assessment of your own potential can be an important factor in whether you succeed or end up giving up on your desired change.

Choosing your goal involves envisioning your ideal result, or the outcome.  Next is choosing the process, or the path you will take to reach the outcome.  Self-efficacy is a term in psychology used to describe a person’s belief in the process.   It involves having both the confidence in your plan and the confidence that you have the necessary skills to enact your plan.   Consistent findings show that people who have high self-efficacy not only perform better, but also choose more difficult goals, show more commitment, are more flexible in their choice of task strategies, and are more likely to stay committed despite negative feedback.  In other words, if you believe you can do it, you are going to try harder and stick to it, even when you have setbacks.

Sounds good, right?  So how do you get self –efficacy?  Actually, confidence breeds confidence.  If you see your successes as coming from luck, or other people’s efforts, it will be hard to feel you have what it takes to overcome a challenge.  So look inside to determine what traits you do have that are powerful and effective – are your creative, stubborn, or funny?  How can you use these natural assets to help support you along your journey? Think about the successes you have had in your life.  What characteristics did you have and what actions did you take to get there?  How can you apply those to your current goal?  We tend to focus on our failure, and forget about all the achievements we have attained.  In this way, we underestimate our abilities and the skills we do have to apply to a new challenge.

Another step to building self-efficacy is to be proactive and put your effort into preparation.  What keeps you from feeling confident?  Once you can identify these areas, then you can address them.  This is a process where it really helps to have help.  Learning from others and gaining new knowledge can do a lot to increase your self-efficacy.  So it may be well worth your time to attend a class, join a group, get some coaching and do some research.  Seeing the path that works for others is a good model for building a plan you can also believe in.

Be realistic in your assessment of your abilities.  If you are too unrealistic about the challenges, you may get discouraged and give up, just as if you are too pessimistic.  Change is an active process, not only in your actions, but in your beliefs.  Plan, practice, share, and reward yourself.   Fill up your bank of confidence, because the more deposits you make, the more you will have to draw from in order to say “Yes I Can!”

A 2014 study from the University of Scranton found that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s Resolution goals.  (Does this number surprise you or does this make you feel better?)  There are a broad range of reasons why people fail to reach their goals, but one factor often overlooked, I find, is the nature of the goal in the first place.

Goals must have relevance and meaning in order to sustain our attention and to be worthy of the necessary sacrifice to make them happen.  People often choose goals that seem like obvious desires, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, because they are habits that they have been trying to address for a long time.  But if these habits really mattered, why have they not achieved these goals already?  What I find in working with people who are frustrated in failing to reach their well intentioned goals of better health and personal growth, is that they don’t feel a real sense of connection to the goal.  The goal is more of a “should do” than an “I want to do”.  Making long term change is hard, and if it is driven by a nagging feeling of should, rather than a deep personal connection to a desire, it will most likely end in rebellious backlashes of “cheating” and eventually giving up.

Finding meaning in your goal is a really important process as you begin your journey of change.   In many of the Health Education classes I teach, I work with people in exploring all the possible motivations for a change, and help them identify the ones that most resonate with them.  For example, in quitting smoking, a man was told by his doctor for years he needed to quit and every year he attended quit smoking classes and started the year with the nicotine patch.  It wasn’t until he made the connection to his grandchild, who he felt had become old enough to understand what he was doing, did he want to quit.  The “I should” went to an “I want” to, and although it was still hard to quit, he embraced the process and achieved it.

Finding  meaning in and a deep connection to your goal is an ongoing process of motivation.  People who set goals and then journal about them frequently find it a good way of deepening their connection to their goal.  It serves to help them integrate the goal and its value into their daily lives.  another way is to visualize yourself living as if the new goal is achieved and seeing how your life would be different.   Make a list of all the “whys” you can think of to attain your goal and then rate them from 1-10 in how much each reason matters to you.  Circle the highest ones and then spend some time each day reviewing these factors.

If you have no “10s” on your list, you may need to reconsider.  Sometimes we choose goals that others want us to change or that we feel we should want to change.  Change is hard, but it certainly is much harder if you don’t really want it.  So, do yourself a favor, and choose your goals wisely.  Put your time and effort into goals that really matter to you.  If your heart is not in it, perhaps you need to readjust your goal to match your desire rather than trying to match your desire to your goal.

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I just returned home from a trip to visit with family.  Lugging my overstuffed suitcase everywhere, I got to thinking about the way I pack as a good metaphor to help me with changes in the New Year.  You see, I am an over-packer.  I tend to start with a list of things I need, and then with every extra inch of space I shove in all the things I worry that I’ll need,” just in case.”  What if it rains, snows, gets hot, or cold, or what if one of us gets sick, or forgets their gloves, or needs an extra pair of socks.  Before long, every inch of my suitcase is stuffed, making it not only a burden to carry, but actually hard to see and use the things I really want.The things I carry out of fear have a way of holding me down on many levels.  It makes me wonder what kinds of worries or negative thinking is crowding my mind and slowing me down in reaching my goals.  Self doubt has a way of slipping into empty spaces, as do resentments, crowding out creativity or daydreams.  So I ask myself, how much room do I give negative thinking in my time and energy?  How much space do I stuff in with worries that make it hard to see the growth and joy that I really want?

Letting go of unnecessary mental baggage is truly liberating.  The first step will be for me to resist the urge to think that “more” is better, trying to be prepared for one more concern or “just in case” situation.  Sometimes thinking less actually gives more clarity and more flexibility in handling what is happening in the moment.  I need to ask myself, is this thought something that will free me up or will it weigh me down?  Is it a positive plan or a worry?  Is it a motivation or a self judgment?   Going lighter might just be a better way to travel and make my life’s path a more enjoyable journey.

I must confess, in years past I was pretty negative about New Years Resolutions.  I seemed to make the same ones each year and so they felt pretty meaningless.  I would roll my eyes at the big crowd at the gym in January, knowing most would be gone by March.  My husband, on the other hand, was much more positive.  He loved making New Year’s Resolutions and spent quite a bit of time thinking which ones he would choose.   He actually looked forward to the chance to commit himself to something and was never deterred from past failure.

Perhaps he’s worn me down over the years , or perhaps a result of my years of teaching Health Ed classes with overflowing attendance in January, but my attitude has changed.  Seeing my husband’s enthusiasm combined with the look on the faces of all the eager people in my classes, I started to embrace the appeal of a fresh start to the New Year.  What is wrong with setting out with hope and good intention?  Isn’t it better to set them and be mindful of what changes you want to make, even if it only lasts a few months?  And even if the changes don’t last forever, perhaps you can learn and incorporate one or two new ways of doing things?  So, now I do make them each year, and actually enjoy the process.  Like making a wish on my birthday candles, I try to choose my resolutions wisely, with a dose of dreaming allowed.

Just to get myself in the mood this year, I looked up the definition of “resolution.”  Several meanings grabbed my attention as good inspiration (Collins English Dictionary):

1. A formal expression of an intention
2. The act of determining upon a course of action or procedure
3. A resolve or determination
4. Reduction to a simpler form
5. A settlement of a problem or controversy

These seem to combine to make a great recipe for transformation.  The first step to making any change is to formally define the goal and set your intention (1).  Then you determine your course of action (2) and add a heaping dose of resolve (3).  Keep it as simple as possible (4) and settle into the new way of being (5).

And the best thing about resolutions?  You can keep making them! Each year, each month, each day offers the opportunity for a fresh start.  Happy New Year!  May this year be full of love and meaning.

The celebrations that bring family together so often this time of year can be a mixed blessing.  These gatherings can trigger us into old patterns, placing us within our old family role.  Parents and siblings see us and treat us as they have in the past, and without even realizing it, we begin to act that way.  No matter how old we are, and despite how hard we have worked to be different and feel like a grown up, it seems so easy to slip into being who we were.

As the saying goes, we don’t choose our family and so even though we may love them, spending time together can be tricky in a number of potential ways.  It tends to bring up old family hurts that may never have been resolved or even talked about.  These old hurts simmer under the surface and are easily reignited.  Engaging in family traditions can be so lovely and help preserve memories of the past, but not all of these memories are pleasant. Some people feel an alienating sense of not belonging, even within their own family.  And if you are spending a lot of time with your partner’s family, it’s easy to feel on the outside or be pulled into unexpected dynamics based on your partner’s role in the family.   For those of you who have experienced a loss of a family member, your grief may be even more pronounced, and you may find the reminders of how the family used to be very difficult.

Before you find yourself saying, “It was like I was 13 years old again,” here are some ideas for helping you sustain the changes you’ve made in life and withstand the regressive pull.

• Be really clear within yourself who you are now compared to who you were. Ask yourself what changes you have made that are important to you.  Some may be obvious, like, I eat healthy now, or I am financially independent.  Some may be more subtle, like I can express my feelings more directly now.  By highlighting what is important to you, you’re more likely to pay attention to preserving it.
• Location, location, location. Be active in picking where you sit and who you talk to.  Pick a seat near people you enjoy talking to and circulate if you are heading to a conversation that feels like an old trap.  Go for a walk and take a break if necessary, using the time to get back in touch with the adult you.  Think ahead of time of past triggers, like your brother reminding you of your ex-husband or your mother asking when you are going to have kids, and be prepared.  Practice some responses that can deflect the question and protect you.  If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, be a team.  Have a signal that indicates you could use their support and could they please join in.
• Be a scientist. Take an observer role, noting what is going on around you without getting pulled into it.  By looking in as an outsider, you can remain detached.  Also, look for how others may actually have changed!  They may appreciate you noticing their efforts and accomplishments.  Ask questions; engage as an adult to another adult.
• Change things up. Add some new family traditions that don’t involve memories of you when you were that awkward 11 year old.  Choose something you enjoy where you can be in charge and that highlights your strengths and interests.  Lead a hike, host a meal at your home, or play music you enjoy.

Remember that you are an adult in charge of your own family now, even if that family is just you.  Take care of your family, and try to focus on the love you feel and want to give.

We think of laughter, party conversation, Christmas carols, and “ho ho ho” as the lovely sounds of the holiday season.  But in today’s blog post I want to appreciate and encourage you to make some room for silence.  Taking some quiet time can have both calming effects and create space for meaningful experiences that tend to get lost in the noise.

I am as guilty as anyone of turning on the radio or picking up my phone whenever I have a free minute.  It’s almost instinctual now, with so many accessible ways to entertain ourselves and fill our heads with new information.   Because we’re so conditioned to it, however, it’s easy to overlook how this “noise” fills the space about us and, without us even knowing it, creates barriers both between ourselves and other people and between ourselves and our own experience.

In order to get silence, we have to create it.  It can feel strange at first, and even uncomfortable.  Ironically, one of the hardest things to learn as you study to become a therapist is how to tolerate silence and how to “do” or “say” nothing.  Quickly you learn, however, that silence can be a powerful intervention.  When we are quiet, deeper thoughts and feelings come up.  We can allow our minds to follow a progression of images and memories, associations and intuitions.  Without having to put these experiences into words, we can just be in them.  Silence can enhance our connections and creative thinking as we set our minds free of expectations.

Silence also enhances listening.  When we have quiet, we suddenly notice how loud everything is:  the sound of the wind, the ticking of the clock, footsteps in the hallway.  We become more tuned in to the world and the experience of others.  We become better listeners.  Rather than thinking about what we are going to say next, we give our full attention to hear.

Silence also has the magic power of giving us time.  When you’re silent, life seems to slow down.  (Have you ever noticed how a “moment of silence” can feel like a long time?)  Use this power for the sake of good.  Let the worried thoughts that may pop up in silence wash over you and realize they don’t have to take over.  If it helps, give yourself a pleasant experience by remembering someone you loved who is no longer with you, or appreciate something about yourself, your loved ones, or whatever is right around you.

So, along with all the hustle and bustle and loud merriment, try a change this season.  Give yourself some quiet time to connect to what you love.  Silence can be like an empty gift box to fill with whatever delight you desire.

When December rolls in, good habits tend to roll out.  Multiple parties, cookie exchanges, and the irresistible toffee your investment club member makes you each year (yes, you, Janet) present layer upon layer of tests to the changes you’re making in your life.  Each year, I hear similar stories of how easy it is to revert back to old habits in December with the best of intentions of starting over in the New Year.  But what I also notice each year is, although people start out with these good intentions, the feeling of failure hangs on and gets in the way of getting back to the successful change.

So here is a change to help you stay on track this December.  Think of December as a celebration month for your change.  Focus on self care and health with the entire month as the time frame.  Engage in self care and goal tracking each and every day, the way an explorer tackles the varied terrain of each day’s journey to make it across a large expanse.  Here are some practical tips to help guide you on your December path.

Plan ahead.  I can’t tell you how important this is for people resisting relapse.  Rate what you will encounter each day and evening as a low/medium/high risk situation.  Review what your triggers may be and create a plan for how you will handle them ahead of time.  Rehearse and have a prepared line for how you can gracefully decline offers of food, drink, or substances you are refraining from.  It really helps to let people know ahead of time, if possible, what your dietary or self care needs are.  Not only will this help you be accountable, but people are surprisingly accommodating if you share your needs.

Keep a Sense of Control.  Do what you can to keep your options open and to control what you can.  Driving yourself to events can be a big help so that you can leave if you feel the need.  Also, bring your own choices of food or beverages.  If you are worried about alcohol intake, bring your own sparkling cider or non-alcoholic option.  Or bring a healthier food option that you prepare the way you enjoy.  And by all means, bring your support system!  Having a friend or partner who knows what you are trying to do can make a huge difference.  Especially in stressful social situations (and boy can family events trigger our childhood responding) bring a person who can be your ally.

Be pro-active.   Take good care of your overall well being as a top priority.  Don’t starve yourself all day because you are going to a party that night.  Your low blood sugar will make you tired, stressed, and vulnerable.  Exercise any way you can, even if it is a quick walk around the block to reduce your tension at a family gathering or work party.  Make sure you keep using the tools that you have been using to support your change.  December is not the time to skip a support group meeting or pass on your daily meditation.  In fact, double down on those helpful habits!

Keep track.  Keeping a food journal, exercise log, or simply writing down how you feel each day is remarkably successful.  It helps to keep you in touch with your body and emotions so that you don’t  just wake up to how you are doing when it’s too late to change it.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.  Write down what a successful December would be for you and imagine how you would feel on January first if you were to meet this goal.  Make some tip sheets for yourself to keep on your refrigerator, in your wallet, and in your car.  Remind yourself every day of your plan and know that the confidence you will gain by successfully managing December is better than the fleeting pleasure of any end of the year indulgence.  Keeping to your goal is truly a gift that keeps on giving!

Networks may be crashing, employees may be distracted, and your fingers may get cramps.  Welcome to Cyber Monday.  If you’re like me, you love the thrill of on-line shopping, the great deals, the ease of finding what you want, and the joy of having it delivered straight to your doorstep.  And the more I shop on-line, the more savvy my computer becomes at knowing how to tempt me.  My fingers seem to have a mind of their own as they click their way down the rabbit hole of material desire.

Then the guilt begins.  I wake from my Nordstrom trance feeling ashamed for even imagining how great the Hunter rain boots would be this El Nino winter or for actually calculating how much I would be saving by spending more.  I feel sick at how easily I am drawn into wanting, whether it is new speakers for my husband or that piece of leftover pumpkin pie sitting in my refrigerator.  I don’t need it, so I shouldn’t want it, right?

But who wouldn’t want a beautiful accessory or a delicious goody?  Wanting is absolutely natural and research shows we couldn’t even control our wanting if we “wanted” to.  (A lot of corporate money is put into the science of how to make tastes, smells, textures and advertisements appeal to us unconsciously.)  As soon as we see something enjoyable, neurons fire electronic signals in the pleasure center of our brain.  These responses happen without our awareness of it.  I have written before about our “flight/fight” automatic responding to something we fear, well think of this as “want/have” automatic responding to something we desire.

Just like with fight/flight reactions, we can’t expect ourselves not to have want responses.  They are a part of our body’s control system for survival.  What we can do is address our reactions to these responses.  We can slow ourselves down, acknowledge them as natural, and drum up the support of our cerebral cortex, the part of our brain that engages in cause and effect reasoning.  We can decide if our want is in line with our needs, and if our long term goals are best served by our short term behavior.

So don’t shame your wanting.  Desire can be a great motivator, inspiring us to do great things and to dream big.  Treat your wanting as your muse.  It can expose you to all kinds of delightful potential that you may choose or choose not to partake in.  In fact, by recognizing it for the lovely experience it can be, wanting actually loses some of its grip over you.  The next time you want the cookie that will put your blood sugar out of whack, the diamond bracelet in the Tiffany ad embedded in your on-line Wall Street journal article, or your child begs for the toy you can’t afford, try saying, “Of course you want it, who wouldn’t?”  Then enjoy the thought of having it and go on about your day.

When I was younger I loved Thanksgiving because of the three “Fs”:  family, food, and football.  I still love these things, but over the years I have come to really appreciate Thanksgiving on a deeper level.  Personally, I have found that as I get older I am more aware of how much I have to be thankful for and how good it feels to think that way.  Professionally, the field of psychology echoes my experience with abundant recent research on gratitude demonstrating the power it holds to make us both happier and healthier.

Gratitude has been linked to less anxiety, depression, and higher life satisfaction.  In studying people who score highest on measures of happiness, researchers consistently find that happy people appreciate what they have.  Grateful people are less likely to experience feelings of resentment and envy, and even regret.  Grateful people also take better care of their health.  They exercise more and follow up on health care routines.  Gratefulness has also been linked to psychological well being, even in the face of trauma.  Having awareness for all the good things you have in life, even during hard times, helps foster resilience.

Gratefulness can be the silver lining of living through loss or tragedy.  Through suffering we realize how vulnerable we all are and awaken to actually how lucky we are most of the time.  We are presented with life’s complexity, simultaneously offering us both challenges and blessings.  Experiencing gratitude connects us to the people and world around us and strengthens our connections in the mutually of supportive community.  It takes our focus away from ourselves to a relationship with something outside our selves, whether it’s other people, nature, or a higher power.

You don’t have to be religious to cultivate gratitude.  In fact, the wonderful thing about gratitude is that it is a rather accessible tool in the well-being tool kit.  Studies show that people who kept a simple journal listing five things they were grateful for, done just once a week, had significant changes in their mood.  They reported feeling happier and more optimistic, and had fewer physical problems.  They even spent more time working out (wow!).  It makes sense that when taking the time to notice all the abundance in our lives, we can’t help but feel more valued by others and better about ourselves.  In turn, gratefulness causes us to be more empathic and pro-social in our interactions with others, which brings about more good feelings.

So, as we head into the time of year when we start making lists of presents to buy and thinking about things we want, it’s a good time to appreciate all that we already have.   Committing to an “attitude of gratitude” may be the best gift we could give ourselves that can last throughout the year.   It’s inexpensive, free of calories, and you can have as many helpings as you want without feeling ill!  (I wish I could say the same about family, food, and football).

Happy Thanks-giving.

Let’s face it, when you’re trying to be healthy it can sometimes feel like life is no fun.  You have to say “no” to a lot of things you normally enjoy and life can feel like one restriction after another.  “No thank you,” to the donut at work or the dessert after dinner.  “No” to a cigarette break when you finish your report or clean your house.  And even “no” to the offer of a second margarita at Happy Hour, even when the guy you like is buying it for you.  Making changes, even when we know the long term will reap benefits, can feel a bit dull in the moment.  That’s why when you feel the loss of pleasure in your life, it’s important to add new things that you enjoy.  Giving yourself rewards for making positive changes not only reinforces your new behavior, but helps to fill the emptiness that can happen when you feel life’s pleasured are being taken away.

According to Learning Theory, a branch of psychology that studies how we acquire and retain information and behaviors, a “reward” is anything that causes a reinforced behavior to increase.  This can take the form of giving something positive after a desired behavior (getting a pay check) or taking away something that is negative (skip doing the dishes when you’ve gone to the gym).  So be creative.  Give yourself a mix of rewards to keep life interesting.  For example, get your nails done when you haven’t smoked for a week or take the afternoon off from doing laundry and chores to see the movie you’ve been waiting for.  Plan out your rewards to celebrate the commitment you’ve made to sustain your new behavior.  Time frame rewards are very powerful.  Everyone in AA knows the intense meaning of getting your sobriety chip for one week, one month, one year, and so on.   Recognizing that we are on a roll of success helps maintain our success.

But choose your rewards wisely.  We can easily fall into traps that actually undermine our efforts.  How many of us have rewarded ourselves for losing weight with an ice cream sundae? Or because we’ve kept to our budget all month, we buy that gadget we had our eye on?  Select rewards that you can feel good about rather than ones that you will feel guilty about later that actually reinforce the undesired behavior.  Just by making something a reward we are giving it a positive status.  I still remember my friend and I suddenly realizing our mistake when we took our young kids for a Happy Meal at McDonalds when they worked hard on a project at school.  As our kids got excited on the drive over, it suddenly occurred to us we were teaching our kids that fast food was a treat!

Life can be hard and thankless at times.  It’s so important to pat ourselves on the back and acknowledge our accomplishments.  Part of becoming an adult is learning to do this for ourselves rather than waiting for the world to do it for us.  No fairy is going to swoop in and give you a Starbucks gift card just for resisting the urge to yet at your children or buy you a diamond pendant for facing your fear of the dentist.  Yes, there is the reward of pride and self esteem, but sometimes it’s nice to give ourselves a little bit more.  After all, you’ve earned it!

Some inexpensive rewards:  Go for a picnic lunch, listen to some wonderful music, plan a coffee date with someone you enjoy, do something creative just for the fun of it, play a game, take a bath, read for pleasure, look through old photographs, take a leisurely walk (not for exercise, but for looking at something beautiful), take a nap, make a new smoothie, sit in the sun and rest, anything you enjoy but never have time for!