The other night I drove two hours to drop my husband and daughter at the airport.  They’re off to look at a college, as the time has come to decide where she’ll go.  On the way home, listening to the radio, a song came on that reminded me of my father.  Suddenly, I began to cry.  Not just a tear rolling down my cheek, but the full-on, need a box of tissues, making sounds that were not human, kind of cry.  It’s been an emotional time of life for me, with joys, losses, and a lot of changes.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d been holding in until I let it all out.  Luckily, by the time I pulled in to the garage to greet my other daughter, I felt renewed (although I’m sure I looked run over).  The experience reminded me that while crying is a natural and biological response to distress that really helps, it seems so hard to do.  Even in therapy, it’s surprising how often my clients hold back their tears, dabbing at their faces, apologizing, needing my permission and strong encouragement to weep.

In graduate school they teach therapists that you shouldn’t rush to hand your client a tissue when the tears come, The reason behind this is that it may send the message that it’s not okay to cry, or that you can’thandle the pain, (Luckily after watching people struggle with runny nises and wet hands, I’ve learned other ways to convey acceptance).

 This trained attention to the subtle messages in response to tears, however, speaks to a cultural discomfort that makes it difficult to cry, especially in front of others.  Somehow we’ve associated shedding tears as a sign of weakness or a lack of control.  Unfortunately, by creating such barriers, we miss out on a lot of the benefits of crying as a natural mechanism for healing and coping with change.

Studies reveal that crying helps us in a number of ways.  It can elevate our mood better and faster than anti-depressants (a University of Florida study).  Producing tears causes a release of hormones that can provide a feeling of relief, even if our circumstances still remain the same.  In analyzing the make-up of tears, research shows it actually helps our bodies release toxins and stress hormones, which reduces tension, in contrast to stuffing feelings which leads to elevated blood pressure, headaches, and chronic pain.  Crying also releases pent up anger as well as sadness.  It can boost communication, as when we cry, we show our distress and pain, letting people know what hurts.  Tears reveal our deep caring and express our vulnerability.  Professor Roger Baker, a communications researcher, says, “crying is the transformation of distress into something tangible.”   It tends to make people soften, allowing them to come closer, rather than pushing one another away.

What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. – Proverb

Research does show there are certain conditions that help us get the most benefit from crying.  People who receive social support while crying (a shoulder to cry on) report more cathartic release than people who cry alone.  And, interestingly, people feel better when they cry about a situation that’s already been resolved.  Crying before you’ve made a decision about a situation can actually make you feel worse.  It seems the relief of crying is a release of tension best achieved when you can let your guard down.  And finally, and not surprising, studies show that to get the emotional benefits of crying, you need to be somewhere where you feel safe and where it’s appropriate.  Crying in front of certain people or in public can lead to embarrassment or shame, instead of relief.

I remember studying with amazement a culture on a remote island in the South Pacific.  After the death of a loved one it was expected that people would venture out on the street to wail and sob.  For weeks, as villagers pass by, they actually join in.  Imagine that! Crying wasn’t something to be embarrassed about or controlled, it was seen as vital to healing and something to be done in community.  Not surprising, the members of this culture had much fewer symptoms of unresolved grief over time and much lower rates of depression.

So as I think back to my ride home from the airport, viewing the road through my tears, I am grateful I had the chance to let go.  In the days since, it’s helped me be more aware of the many changes going on in my life and feel more at peace with them.  Although I can only imagine what I’ll be like in August, coming back from actually dropping her off at college.  I guess I’ll just have to reload the tissue box and maybe, if I’m lucky, gather with some villagers along my way.

While I’ve alluded to it in other blog posts, an aspect to successful change that’s often overlooked is assertiveness.  For many of us, not wanting to inconvenience people or hurt someone’s feelings can be a subtle but real roadblock to maintaining changes.  So in this week’s post I thought it would be good to focus attention on being more comfortable with asking for what you need.

Most people don’t want to be “that person.”  You know, the one in the group who makes a fuss about having a meal prepared in a certain way or having the seating chart altered to accommodate their issues.  We want to be gracious and grateful when someone invites us to dinner or includes us in a celebration.  But at the same time, it can pose a real dilemma when we’re trying to make a change that’s important to us, balancing our own needs and preferences while blending in with others.

When your friends are all having a cocktail or taking a cigarette break, it’s really hard to say no.  Besides fighting the desire to actually have one, often the bigger issue is the sense of disconnection it creates with people we care about.  Suddenly we are different, declaring ourselves as not like the others anymore, which can feel awkward.  Sometimes, it can even take on a feeling of competition or judgment.  Ever turn down dessert while out with friends, only to have people react with “Oh, she’s going to be good.”  It suddenly becomes a comparative situation that you did not intend.  Making a change can be threatening, even in these small ways, as separation can be interpreted as rejection.

It’s important to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own well-being.  How you handle each situation will depend on your history and sense of comfort with the other people.  Sometimes it can help to address the situation ahead of time, such as suggesting an activity that will be better suited for you or offering to bring a dish that fits your dietary needs.  In general it can help to reinforce to people how much you enjoy their company and focus on what you like about being with them, rather than on what you can’t do together.  Order coffee while they eat desert, invite someone to take a walk with you if you can’t take a cigarette break together anymore, or go out for tea instead of a meal if your budget is tight.  You are changing, and the relationship will need to change along with you.

Studies show that peers can be a big influence on making changes.  If someone in a family or friend group loses weight, quits drinking or smoking, or begins an exercise routine, it is far more likely that others will, too.  But it’s not your responsibility to make them change, or even your responsibility to make them comfortable with the changes you are making.  But showing them that despite your being different in some ways, you are still the same person they can count on in other ways, will be assuring.  Unfortunately, there will be people or situations where you will need to set limits, as compromise will not always be an option.  In those cases, learning to choose yourself over others is healthy and vital.  At first it may feel selfish or uncomfortable, but in time, you will feel more at ease.  The pride you will feel when you have successfully navigated the circumstance will make it easier the next time.

You are absolutely entitled to assert your needs in a respectful and caring way.  This is in no way the same as having a “sense of entitlement.”  It’s important that you don’t think of your needs as a burden.  Most people who care about you want you to take care of yourself in the long run.  They won’t mind a bit of inconvenience as a way to support you in your goals.  In fact, often when you ask for help, people are happy to give it.  And when you have a chance to reciprocate, it just may deepen your ability to be authentic with and supportive of one another.

Warning:  The Dial Technique may sound a little strange when I describe it.  I thought so too when I first heard about it, but after using it for myself (darn migraines) and with many of my clients, I can honestly tell you that it can help you manage cravings, moods, and even pain.  It’s easy to do and you can use it anywhere.  All you need is your imagination and a willing attitude.

Decide on the emotional or physical state you would like to dial up or down.  Perhaps you’d like to feel less anxious about an interview, for example.  Take a few moments and really focus on it. What does your anxiety feel like?  Where do you feel it?  Is there a knot in your stomach, are your muscles tense, does your head feel like its throbbing?  What thoughts are you having?  Are you thinking about how your mind will go blank or worrying you will say something ridiculous?  And what behaviors are you doing?  Is your leg shaking, are you breathing rapidly, is your heart racing?  Become aware of all of your senses connected to the state you want to change.  Now, imagine a dial with the numbers 1 through 10 written on it, like the volume knob on a radio.  Think of the dial being in control of the intensity of the state you are aware of.   Now turn the dial up.

Yes, the first step is to turn the dial up to increase the intensity of the anxiety.  As you turn it up a few numbers, see how much you can increase your experience.  See how far you can go to make your anxiety match the number on the dial.  Tighten the knot in your stomach, let your leg shake, and mind race.  Feel your heart pound and breathing become more rapid.  Now go another small turn of the dial up.  See how high you can go in your anxious experience.  Notice all that goes along with it.  Hold it at this number for a minute or two as best as you can tolerate.  Now, turn it down.  Turn the dial to a lower number and let your anxiety drop.  Feel the relief as you begin to let go and relax a little bit.  Is your stomach settling a bit?  Is your breathing slowing down and heart rate dropping?  Focus your attention on reducing the experience of anxiety in all the ways that you can.  Once you feel this, turn the dial down just a little more.  Focus your attention once again on reducing your experience of anxiety as fully as possible.  Now, play with your dial.  Turn it up, then turn it down.  Practice your ability to have your experience match the number on the dial.  Over time, if you keep practicing, you can become better and better at it.  In doing so, you have given yourself a control knob to manage your anxiety no matter where you are.

I first learned the Dial Technique a long time ago when I studied hypnosis.  It has recently come back into fashion with the focus on mindfulness in mind/body medicine.  The point of the technique is for you to become as aware of your sensations as possible, and to realize that you have the power to alter them.  It is a mini biofeedback session you can do with yourself.  You first turn it up as a way of really emphasizing what is going on related to your emotional or physical state and to see that you can affect it if you try.  Turning it up is a much easier place to start.  Once you realize that you can turn it up,  you then have the tool to turn it down as well.

This technique can be used for quite a broad range of experiences.  It has been used successfully with depression, anxiety and panic disorder, headaches, back pain, and even stress and anger management.  I use it in my quit smoking class to help people lower the intensity of their cravings. You can also use it to highlight feelings of joy or contentment, even excitement or love.  Whatever you personally decide to dial up or down, you’ll find it gets easier with practice.   The more you can use it when you are feeling relatively okay, the greater the range of intensity you will be able to master. And while it’s not a miracle cure that can take away all of your discomfort, it is a nice little technique to help you cope a little bit better.  So, the next time you don’t like what you’re feeling…try turning that dial!

Often we think of change in terms of the goals we’re trying to achieve and the changes we’re hoping to make.  But sometimes the most influential change comes from circumstances we do not choose.  Life brings unexpected changes that alter our lives in profound ways.  Getting laid off from a job, finding out you have cancer, or having someone close to you die are all normal parts of living, but they can sure make life feel abnormal.   Even events that are positive, such as a promotion, can come about as a surprise, and with it comes a period of adjustment.  Today’s blog will offer some ways to cope with sudden changes, with the hope it may help support you when you need it.

The most common reaction to a sudden change is to ask the question, “WHY?”  We wonder what brought about our fate, racking our brain for some kind of explanation that helps us to make sense of things.  But early in our coping, it may be better not to focus on the why.  While it’s a normal response to try to help us gain control over what feels beyond our control, it can paralyze us in a state of helplessness.  Often the answers to “why”come later, when we have both the perspective and time to make meaning out of what has happened.  In the short term, try to focus on the “whats.”  What can I do about it?  What CAN I control?  What support or help can I ask for?  What information do I need and what is my next step?

There is a normal process of grieving in every change, but especially in sudden, unexpected change.  Along with the loss of how things used to be, there is the loss of a sense of safety and predictability in the world.  It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.  You may experience sleep disturbances, problems concentrating, appetite changes, and an extreme preoccupation with your situation.  These are all normal responses as your mind and body process the change you’re going through.  Make sure you eat good food and take Vitamin B to help your body’s resilience against stress.  Get any amount of exercise you can, even if it’s just a brief walk.  Research shows that moving your body helps move stress through us and helps our brain process more holistically.  Educate yourself about your situation, but only from trusted sources.  Going on the internet to find a diagnosis may only make your fear and sense of vulnerability worse.  Schedule time for meeting with people you care about and who you feel safe with.  Focusing on what you do have in your life is a help to the pull of feeling all is lost.

In time, whatever change you have been subjected to will become the new normal.  Your life may never go back to the way it was, but it will become stable once again.  It’s then that we can find meaning in our growth from the change or evaluate what lessons we can learn from the circumstance.  But in the meantime, be good to yourself.  Don’t expect yourself to remember to pick up the milk or send the birthday card.  Life in transition can feel crazy and chaotic, even more so when you watch everyone about you going on with their lives while our own life feels blown apart.  I have a friend who wanted to wear a sign that said, “My mother just died,” so people would understand her distractedness.  To the extent you feel that you can, go ahead and let people know what you’re going through and what you need. Now is the time to let people help you and for you to be open to new experiences.  Sometimes it’s the small unexpected blessings that help us endure the times of big unexpected change.

Although it’s become a common joke to say we need to go to our “happy place” when we’re feeling irritated, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the need for sanctuary.  For me, sanctuary is not necessarily a happy place, but a place where we can be in relationship with ourselves in whatever mood we’re in.  By knowing more about what we feel, we can better tend to what we really need.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, sanctuary is “a place of safety or refuge.”  It can also have a religious or spiritual aspect, when we think of sanctuary as a holy place.  Where is your Sanctuary?  Is it your home, your room, a nook, or spot by a tree? Or is it a time of day, lying in bed in the morning or watching the sunset?  Each of us needs to have a time and a place where we can find safety, both physical and emotional in nature.  It is amazing how difficult this can be.  Sometimes our homes are places of chaos and conflict.  Where do we go?  And even if we have a quiet space in our lives, the boundaries of this sanctuary are difficult to maintain.

Sanctuary is where we cultivate our reflective self, an experience increasingly hard to do in our Information Age.  The 20^th century philosopher Martin Heidegger was concerned about the influence of technology on self awareness back in 1954.  (Don’t be too impressed, I got this from the author James McWilliams in his article Saving the Self in the World of the Selfie.)  Heidegger expressed his concern about the loss of “nearness,” which he defined as a mental island where we can stand and affirm the phenomena of our own experience.  He didn’t even know about smart phones or Facebook .  With social media, the boundaries of our lives have been permanently altered.  Even when we’re alone, we’re exposed to the social world of comparisons.  I think about a young woman who wasn’t asked to the prom.  She had to be happy for her friends all day at school, but even when she came home, she couldn’t escape it.  Her friends sent her pictures of their dresses and hair style ideas.  While I am definitely not anti-technology (I’m writing a blog for heaven’s sake) I do think we need to be aware of the loss of sanctuary when the boundaries between social and private are so permeable.

I also like to think of sanctuary not just as a noun, but as a verb.  It can be an active inner process allowing our experience to emerge without judgment.   Am I sad, am I feeling rejected, am I lonely or am I excited?  The more we can create sanctuary for our feelings, the better we become at tolerating a full range of emotions. This is a very important component of mental and physical health.  When we can face our discomfort, we learn that we can feel it and tend to it without having to drown it out with alcohol, a cigarette, or a trip to the refrigerator.  We can gain more control over our behavior by being more aware of its emotional roots.  In Alcoholics Anonymous they use the word HALT:  when you crave a drink, you ask yourself am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  How would we know unless we have “nearness?”

So how can you create sanctuary?   Is there a place in your home you can claim and make your own?  Is there a time of day you can make sacred?  You don’t have to empty your mind in deep meditation or do some fancy visualization.  Just be you, with only you.  My hope is, maybe over time, this “you experience” will become your happy place.

Every time there’s a Leap Year, I fantasize about the extra day.  I think, since it’s a bonus day, it should be a day to play!  But do I ever take the day off?  Not once.  Just like most responsible adults, I find it really challenging to give myself permission to do something just for the fun of it.  But, as children know, play is vitally important.  It not only feels good to do, but it can actually be a great tool to help us make changes in our life and develop beneficial skills.

Developmental psychologists lucky enough to study play for a living have learned about play’s important function in helping children learn and gain mastery in many areas.  Children will try out new behaviors, roles, and activities in a way that is generally stress free because there are few consequences.  If you get caught stealing a base in a backyard game of baseball, you can laugh it off without angry fans.  If you dress up like a King and demand everyone eat only pizza, you never have to face Parliament on Monday.  But soon enough, as children grow, their activities become more structured and stress comes along with it.  Taking the same risk and getting caught stealing a base in Little League, it’s not so fun (have you ever witnessed the adults!).    By the time we’re in high school, so little is left of our protected world of play, no wonder we are all so stressed and anxious.  Everything we do is evaluated and critiqued, measuring our performance in line with expectations.  Even our leisure time tends to be filled with purposeful activity, such as going to the gym to lose weight, reading a book to better our business knowledge, or going to a committee meeting for our kid’s school.

Just because we don’t have time to play anymore, doesn’t mean we don’t still need it.  Play allows us to experiment and expand our minds and ways of being.  It helps us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do.  We take risks when we play, pushing the limits of our creativity and capacities.  In doing so, play can offer a safe place to try out some of the changes we want to make, but are reluctant to do in an environment more consequential.  Let me give you a few examples of people who have inspired me.  A man who was afraid to give public presentations at work signed up for an Improv class.  He told me he had never had so much fun making a complete fool of himself.  Compared to that, public speaking for work became much easier!  A woman who needed to start exercising for her health just dreaded the gym and found even walking around her neighborhood a chore.  She had the idea to buy a bright yellow Cruiser bike, complete with basket and bell, and rides it around town to get coffee and run all her errands.  She tells me she has so much fun with it, she never thinks of it as exercise, even now that she and a friend ride every Sunday to the next town over for brunch, a total of 14 miles!

We need play just as much as our children.  I work with so many people who drink or who spend hours on the internet because it’s the only way they can find a release from responsibilities.  They describe being able to be silly when they have a margarita or have a delightful distraction from work when they follow a link to a new shopping site or become voyeurs in other people’s lives.  Wouldn’t we feel better if we could just give ourselves the permission to have fun without the need for a drink or a link?  We don’t need an excuse to play, we just need our own permission.  So all of us hard working, take care of everything, responsible, mature adults, let’s get serious about being playful!  Who knows what we might discover, you just might feel great wearing that crown!

Every year, right about now, I lose steam with my New Year’s resolutions.  In January I start with such good intentions and a thoughtful, reasonable plan.  But my hopeful fresh attitude begins slipping as reality sets in and my progress plateaus.  With the novelty of doing things differently definitely fading, I hear myself utter phrases that begin with, “I was never good at” or “I just don’t have the talent to.” With resignation and discouragement on the rise, I chalk up my limitations to the inherent qualities of who I am and will always be.  But this year I aim to catch this, what scientist Carol Dweck calls “fixed mindset,” and re-approach my resolutions with a renewed attitude that her research shows will help me push through.

According to Dweck, a Stanford researcher and author of the book Mindset, there are two basic ways to think about our efforts.  One is a non-learning or “fixed mindset” that attributes the cause of our success to what talents or “gifts” we were born with.  It assumes that we can take a test or measure our abilities in a particular area and predict our future achievement.  In this perspective, nature wins out over nurture, and we can only go as far as our set abilities will take us. In a learning or “growth mindset”, we attribute our achievement more closely to the result of our efforts.  Rather than thinking our potential is tied to a given talent or “gift” for something, we calculate our capacity according to what more we can learn.  A growth mindset assumes adaptability and an open ended potential for every individual.

The most interesting part of Dweck’s large body of research is what she found to be the outcome of each mindset, with a growth mindset repeatedly producing more success.  Teachers’ with a growth mindset actually have higher achieving students on average.  They believe that each child can learn and improve, no matter what their starting point is.  Children praised for effort, rather than achievement, will work harder and improve more than children who are rewarded for outcome.  In fact, research shows that believing you are special or naturally talented in some area tends to actually cause people to reduce their effort.  Afraid to expose their weakness, since it’s unchangeable, people with a fixed mindset will take fewer risks out of fear that they will run in to the limit of their talent.

Our mindset effects how we handle setbacks.  If we believe that failure is a result of lack of talent, we will tend to withdraw and lose confidence.  If we believe our failure is a lack of the right effort, we are more likely to respond by staying with the goal and tailor our learning to overcome our obstacles.  Rather than feeling our failure defines us, we will maintain the confidence to keep trying and learn from our mistakes.  American culture tends to favor a fixed mindset.  We assume that you are either good at Math or not, or are an athlete, or not.  Asian culture, on the other hand, is much more growth mindset oriented.  As a result, a typical Math student from Japan will spend almost ten times longer working on a challenging Math problem before they ask for help or give up than an American student.

So, before I give up on my New Year’s goals and conclude they’re not for me, I need to rethink my attitude.  I don’t want to let my fears of being inadequate get in my way or become an excuse, so I need to get a hold of my mindset.  As I shift to a growth mindset, I ask myself what do I need to learn or adjust in order to move forward?  And in fact, as I do this, I notice I feel more hopeful.  After all, there is no deadline for growth.  It can come at any time of year!

I know it’s been a long time, but remember back to when you were learning to read.  First you had to memorize the alphabet and all the sounds.  Then you had to painstakingly sound out single words to such thrillers as “See Jane run” or “Chad is sad.”  But after years of practice, you are now skimming through this post attending to its meaning without needing to think about the process of reading at all.  This ability is due to the brain’s amazing complexity and the formation of neural networks, intricate patterns of brain connections which are the biological basis of complex learning and habit formation.  Understanding the role of neural networks can help you be more effective in making even the most difficult changes.

Our brain has 100 billion little computers, or neurons, that establish connections when we experience something new.  These networks form a database of information, such as thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs.  We begin growing these connections from the moment we’re conceived, learning to eat, walk and talk.  The formation of networks allows us to go about our day with our usual behavior being automatic so that we can focus on what we choose.  With recent discoveries in brain imaging, scientists have learned why repetition is so important in learning.  The more you repeat a thought or behavior, the more solidly a neural network is established and reinforced.  It’s like your brain building highways instead of having to use back roads.

New techniques in brain imaging have also discovered that the brain is quite capable of forming new connections at any age.  This is known as brain plasticity.  The most effective way of creating new networks or rewiring habits is through repetition and intensity.  Repetition is simply practice, practice, practice, actively choosing to do the same thing again and again.  By consciously doing the same new behavior, over time, you make the neural pathway for the new behavior the preferred one.  So, for example, if every day you have tea after dinner instead of the cookie you usually have, in about three weeks, the tea will be your new habit. You will actually look forward to it.  But you have to be consistent and do the same behavior.  If one day you have tea, and one day you go for a walk, it will be more difficult to replace the cookie with a new habit.

Emotions play a big role in the wiring of brain connections.  As a means of survival, intense experiences such as your wedding day or a car accident are highly effective at creating neural networks and influencing behavior.  So be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. The more you think about how scary something is, the more fearful you will become. So the more you can think about times when you were courageous, the more your courage will be wired in.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just open our skull and disconnect a neural network for substance abuse, anger outbursts, or calling your ex-boyfriend?  Perhaps someday we will be able to.  In the mean time, habit change takes considerable effort.  Neural networks are the reason why you don’t have to relearn everything, including the alphabet, each time you read, but they’re also why we have to be so consistent in order to change.  It takes motivation and sustained effort to rewire our brain.  Not only do we have to commit to doing something new again and again, but we need to attend to our emotions and attitudes around this behavior as well.  Do your best to make a change meaningful and reward your accomplishments  By actively engaging your heart, mind, and muscles simultaneously, over time, you can establish change in your brain and change in your life, no matter how old or wired you are.

Last week I described the concept of the shadow.  In psychological terms, it’s the mysterious part of our selves created when we repress, or push out of our own awareness, thoughts or feelings we find inconsistent with who we want to be.  While it’s hard for us to see our shadows, our partners can see them more clearly, causing misunderstandings and real problems in relationships.  So this week I want to encourage you to look for your shadow because, while we all like chocolate for Valentine’s Day, maybe some self awareness and acceptance can be even better for your relationship.

Our shadow casts on others, particularly the ones closest to us.   We project, or see our own shadow characteristics in others, denying it in ourselves.   The people on whom we project probably do have the characteristic we are projecting, but the projection intensifies our perception of it, causing us to judge it with a harshness and irritation that is unnatural for the situation.  We can be overly sensitive to our partners, reactionary, and leave them feeling the rejection.  For example we may accuse our partner of being angry, when it is actually we who are angry, or complain our partner has such high expectations when it is our own standards we are falling short of.  Because we don’t see ourselves the way our partners do, these shadow exchanges can leave couples feeling extremely misunderstood and bewildered by each other’s experience of the same situation.

Because of its very nature of the shadow, it’s hard to see your shadow directly.  Instead, you have to sneak up on it and approach it from the side.  One way to identify your shadow is to consider times when you’re especially reactive.  When you become judgmental or hateful toward another person, you may be projecting your own shadow.  Another way is notice “misunderstood” behaviors.  Sometimes what we think we are expressing is not what other people perceive.  For example our shadow may be apparent when we think we are being nice to someone we dislike, but our friends describe our behavior as rude.  Dreams and fantasies can also give us clues to our shadow, as these are times when our guard is down.  And then there are “slips,” sometimes referred to as Freudian slips, when we inadvertently say or do what we really feel or think.  And finally, notice your opposites.  Make a list of the traits you highly value, than consider their contrast.   In what ways do we have these traits as well?

When people can embrace their shadows, there’s a tendency to develop more warmth, self-confidence, and an understanding of other people.  We become less afraid of our common humanity and are more comfortable with ourselves and ourselves in relationship.  We have a clearer picture of what is “mine” and what is “yours” in our relationships, recognizing what might be a projection on to our partner, and take responsibility for it.  We can increase our intimacy when we can be vulnerable and authentic with our feelings, instead of rigidly defending ourselves in self righteousness at the expense of our relationship.  In fact, we can actually use our partner as a consultant on our own “shadow self.”  By seeing the world through your partner’s eyes, if even for a minute, we might be able to grow.

So, if you feel inspired to do some shadow hunting, there a few things you will need.  First you must be brave.  A sense of humor and self compassion helps, too, because these are the parts of yourself that you’ve been hiding from.  Prepare to feel shame or guilt when you confront it, as this is the shadow’s biggest weapon.  And so what’s your biggest weapon?  Curiosity.  When you think you’ve encountered your shadow, ask yourself about it:  “I wonder why I’m so angry over what she said?” or “Everyone else thinks he’s funny, why does he bother me so much?”  Use these opportunities as a chance to reflect on yourself instead of the other.  The shadow has a lot to offer if we are willing to encounter it.  Remember, the goal is not to kill it off, but to make peace with it.  So save some love for your shadows this Valentine’s Day.  It may be the parts of you most in need of the attention.

With Groundhog’s Day (great movie, by the way) upon us, I thought it was the perfect time to think about shadows.  In psychology, the shadow is a fascinating concept that is both mysterious and complex.  And while I can’t promise that seeing your shadow will help you predict the weather like old “Punxsutawney Phil” in Pennsylvania, I do know from experience that facing your shadow can help you live more fully, even if you don’t know when Spring is coming.

The shadow, according to depth psychology, is the collection of characteristics you don’t like or can’t accept about yourself, and therefore tend to push aside and do not see. The shadow begins in childhood and develops throughout your life.  As you grow up, certain traits and behaviors are rewarded and praised by parents, teachers, and people who matter to you.  These traits become associated with your identity and an image of yourself, such as being honest or kind.  In order to maintain a consistent sense of self, any thoughts and feelings strongly incompatible with these traits, such as vengeful thoughts or jealous feelings, are cast aside from awareness, or repressed, making up your shadow.

The problem is these unacceptable thoughts and feelings live on despite your denial of them.  When you repress a trait into the shadow, you lose the ability to consciously explore it and use it skillfully.  Therefore, it tends to come out in ways that you aren’t in control of, such as repressed anger erupting as a tantrum or slipping in as passive aggressive behavior.  The more you try to see yourself as one particular trait, the more of your whole self and your range of experience you lose.  In other words, the brighter the sun, the bigger the shadow.

Psychological health and flexibility involves being able to experience a variety of thoughts and feelings, even conflicting ones.  Otherwise, your shadow may result in psychological symptoms, such as anxiety or depression.  Or it may result in behavior that could undermine your efforts in love and work.  Interestingly, the shadow is not only made up of what we think of as negative traits.  You can also repress parts of yourself that may be positive, such as high esteem if you grow up in a house where you taught not to be “prideful,” or ambition when you highly value yourself as a “giving” person.

Your shadow can be an important source for finding balance in your life:  between being lazy and driven, fearful and courageous, deceptive and honest, insecure and confident, or rational and irrational.  Learning to tolerate your conflicting emotions can actually help you make peace with yourself and be more tolerant and compassionate with others.  It can also make your life richer and more interesting.  In fact, the shadow can be a great muse in artful expression or creativity. So join the groundhog, climb out of your hole and look for your shadow.  It may just surprise you how much fun it can be in the sun!

Note:  With Valentine’s Day approaching, my next blog will focus on how to identify and work with your shadow, especially in relationships with those we love (and hate 😉