I know it’s been a long time, but remember back to when you were learning to read.  First you had to memorize the alphabet and all the sounds.  Then you had to painstakingly sound out single words to such thrillers as “See Jane run” or “Chad is sad.”  But after years of practice, you are now skimming through this post attending to its meaning without needing to think about the process of reading at all.  This ability is due to the brain’s amazing complexity and the formation of neural networks, intricate patterns of brain connections which are the biological basis of complex learning and habit formation.  Understanding the role of neural networks can help you be more effective in making even the most difficult changes.

Our brain has 100 billion little computers, or neurons, that establish connections when we experience something new.  These networks form a database of information, such as thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs.  We begin growing these connections from the moment we’re conceived, learning to eat, walk and talk.  The formation of networks allows us to go about our day with our usual behavior being automatic so that we can focus on what we choose.  With recent discoveries in brain imaging, scientists have learned why repetition is so important in learning.  The more you repeat a thought or behavior, the more solidly a neural network is established and reinforced.  It’s like your brain building highways instead of having to use back roads.

New techniques in brain imaging have also discovered that the brain is quite capable of forming new connections at any age.  This is known as brain plasticity.  The most effective way of creating new networks or rewiring habits is through repetition and intensity.  Repetition is simply practice, practice, practice, actively choosing to do the same thing again and again.  By consciously doing the same new behavior, over time, you make the neural pathway for the new behavior the preferred one.  So, for example, if every day you have tea after dinner instead of the cookie you usually have, in about three weeks, the tea will be your new habit. You will actually look forward to it.  But you have to be consistent and do the same behavior.  If one day you have tea, and one day you go for a walk, it will be more difficult to replace the cookie with a new habit.

Emotions play a big role in the wiring of brain connections.  As a means of survival, intense experiences such as your wedding day or a car accident are highly effective at creating neural networks and influencing behavior.  So be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. The more you think about how scary something is, the more fearful you will become. So the more you can think about times when you were courageous, the more your courage will be wired in.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just open our skull and disconnect a neural network for substance abuse, anger outbursts, or calling your ex-boyfriend?  Perhaps someday we will be able to.  In the mean time, habit change takes considerable effort.  Neural networks are the reason why you don’t have to relearn everything, including the alphabet, each time you read, but they’re also why we have to be so consistent in order to change.  It takes motivation and sustained effort to rewire our brain.  Not only do we have to commit to doing something new again and again, but we need to attend to our emotions and attitudes around this behavior as well.  Do your best to make a change meaningful and reward your accomplishments  By actively engaging your heart, mind, and muscles simultaneously, over time, you can establish change in your brain and change in your life, no matter how old or wired you are.

Last week I described the concept of the shadow.  In psychological terms, it’s the mysterious part of our selves created when we repress, or push out of our own awareness, thoughts or feelings we find inconsistent with who we want to be.  While it’s hard for us to see our shadows, our partners can see them more clearly, causing misunderstandings and real problems in relationships.  So this week I want to encourage you to look for your shadow because, while we all like chocolate for Valentine’s Day, maybe some self awareness and acceptance can be even better for your relationship.

Our shadow casts on others, particularly the ones closest to us.   We project, or see our own shadow characteristics in others, denying it in ourselves.   The people on whom we project probably do have the characteristic we are projecting, but the projection intensifies our perception of it, causing us to judge it with a harshness and irritation that is unnatural for the situation.  We can be overly sensitive to our partners, reactionary, and leave them feeling the rejection.  For example we may accuse our partner of being angry, when it is actually we who are angry, or complain our partner has such high expectations when it is our own standards we are falling short of.  Because we don’t see ourselves the way our partners do, these shadow exchanges can leave couples feeling extremely misunderstood and bewildered by each other’s experience of the same situation.

Because of its very nature of the shadow, it’s hard to see your shadow directly.  Instead, you have to sneak up on it and approach it from the side.  One way to identify your shadow is to consider times when you’re especially reactive.  When you become judgmental or hateful toward another person, you may be projecting your own shadow.  Another way is notice “misunderstood” behaviors.  Sometimes what we think we are expressing is not what other people perceive.  For example our shadow may be apparent when we think we are being nice to someone we dislike, but our friends describe our behavior as rude.  Dreams and fantasies can also give us clues to our shadow, as these are times when our guard is down.  And then there are “slips,” sometimes referred to as Freudian slips, when we inadvertently say or do what we really feel or think.  And finally, notice your opposites.  Make a list of the traits you highly value, than consider their contrast.   In what ways do we have these traits as well?

When people can embrace their shadows, there’s a tendency to develop more warmth, self-confidence, and an understanding of other people.  We become less afraid of our common humanity and are more comfortable with ourselves and ourselves in relationship.  We have a clearer picture of what is “mine” and what is “yours” in our relationships, recognizing what might be a projection on to our partner, and take responsibility for it.  We can increase our intimacy when we can be vulnerable and authentic with our feelings, instead of rigidly defending ourselves in self righteousness at the expense of our relationship.  In fact, we can actually use our partner as a consultant on our own “shadow self.”  By seeing the world through your partner’s eyes, if even for a minute, we might be able to grow.

So, if you feel inspired to do some shadow hunting, there a few things you will need.  First you must be brave.  A sense of humor and self compassion helps, too, because these are the parts of yourself that you’ve been hiding from.  Prepare to feel shame or guilt when you confront it, as this is the shadow’s biggest weapon.  And so what’s your biggest weapon?  Curiosity.  When you think you’ve encountered your shadow, ask yourself about it:  “I wonder why I’m so angry over what she said?” or “Everyone else thinks he’s funny, why does he bother me so much?”  Use these opportunities as a chance to reflect on yourself instead of the other.  The shadow has a lot to offer if we are willing to encounter it.  Remember, the goal is not to kill it off, but to make peace with it.  So save some love for your shadows this Valentine’s Day.  It may be the parts of you most in need of the attention.

With Groundhog’s Day (great movie, by the way) upon us, I thought it was the perfect time to think about shadows.  In psychology, the shadow is a fascinating concept that is both mysterious and complex.  And while I can’t promise that seeing your shadow will help you predict the weather like old “Punxsutawney Phil” in Pennsylvania, I do know from experience that facing your shadow can help you live more fully, even if you don’t know when Spring is coming.

The shadow, according to depth psychology, is the collection of characteristics you don’t like or can’t accept about yourself, and therefore tend to push aside and do not see. The shadow begins in childhood and develops throughout your life.  As you grow up, certain traits and behaviors are rewarded and praised by parents, teachers, and people who matter to you.  These traits become associated with your identity and an image of yourself, such as being honest or kind.  In order to maintain a consistent sense of self, any thoughts and feelings strongly incompatible with these traits, such as vengeful thoughts or jealous feelings, are cast aside from awareness, or repressed, making up your shadow.

The problem is these unacceptable thoughts and feelings live on despite your denial of them.  When you repress a trait into the shadow, you lose the ability to consciously explore it and use it skillfully.  Therefore, it tends to come out in ways that you aren’t in control of, such as repressed anger erupting as a tantrum or slipping in as passive aggressive behavior.  The more you try to see yourself as one particular trait, the more of your whole self and your range of experience you lose.  In other words, the brighter the sun, the bigger the shadow.

Psychological health and flexibility involves being able to experience a variety of thoughts and feelings, even conflicting ones.  Otherwise, your shadow may result in psychological symptoms, such as anxiety or depression.  Or it may result in behavior that could undermine your efforts in love and work.  Interestingly, the shadow is not only made up of what we think of as negative traits.  You can also repress parts of yourself that may be positive, such as high esteem if you grow up in a house where you taught not to be “prideful,” or ambition when you highly value yourself as a “giving” person.

Your shadow can be an important source for finding balance in your life:  between being lazy and driven, fearful and courageous, deceptive and honest, insecure and confident, or rational and irrational.  Learning to tolerate your conflicting emotions can actually help you make peace with yourself and be more tolerant and compassionate with others.  It can also make your life richer and more interesting.  In fact, the shadow can be a great muse in artful expression or creativity. So join the groundhog, climb out of your hole and look for your shadow.  It may just surprise you how much fun it can be in the sun!

Note:  With Valentine’s Day approaching, my next blog will focus on how to identify and work with your shadow, especially in relationships with those we love (and hate 😉

When envisioning the change you want, it feels great to dream big:  picturing yourself 20 pounds thinner, completely smoke free, or driving to your new job.  These images get you excited and motivate you to take action.  The problem with dreams, however, is that the bigger they are, the scarier they are.  The reality of what it will take to get to your dream (restricting your diet for months on end, never, ever having another cigarette, or leaving behind financial stability) can overwhelm you and cause even the most dedicated person to panic.  So while it’s motivating to dream big, it’s also important to plan small.  Break down your long term journey into manageable steps that enable you to stay on the path.

There’s a good reason for the phrase “one day at a time.”  Human nature makes it awfully hard for us to imagine giving up something forever or making a change we will have to stick to for the “rest of our lives.”  That is a lot of pressure.  Instead, it helps to focus on the immediate day at hand, offering us a challenge that feels possible.  One day turns into another day, which turns into a week, a month, a year.  No matter how near or far off your goal is, you still need to make it through today to get there.

And as you make it through each small success, your confidence grows.  You learn skills in how to get through cravings or setbacks, which further builds your belief in yourself and your ability.  There is no substitute for increasing your confidence than actually doing what you hope you can do.   So when looking at your long term goal, it really helps to break it down and create opportunities for little successes along the way.

For example, a woman in our group wanting to improve her health felt totally overwhelmed when her doctor suggested losing 35 pounds to address her diabetes.  She told everyone that she hadn’t even been able to lose 5 pounds, so she felt completely hopeless about losing 35.  Class members worked with her in creating a plan of smaller actions she did feel she could handle.  For the first week she was to walk 4 days around her neighborhood and stick to her nutrition plan.  Once she had achieved this, she added distance to her walks and made it through a second week of her eating plan.  With that, she had lost a little weight.  She felt more optimistic, so she added another day of exercise and a few more weeks of healthy eating, resulting in a little more weight loss.  At this point, she was surprised to see some actual improvement in her blood sugar levels.  Because of her small successes, she began to see the possibility of actually reaching her goal.  When she hit a plateau, she got discouraged.  Again, committing to what she could do in the short term helped her ride out her fear of failure, and helped her push through it.

So while it’s great to engage the heart in what you most desire, also engage the mind into what is practical.  What can you do this day or this week?  Even if it’s just one phone call to a potential employer, one new healthy recipe, or one time of saying “no” to something you usually say “yes” to, you are making progress.  Big dreams envision the impossible, but small steps make them possible.

Last week’s blog talked about the importance of meaningfully connecting to your goal as a way of enhancing motivation.  The next step after deciding you really believe in your goal is to assess if you really believe you’re capable of achieving it.  This second step is often quite subtle, but research shows the assessment of your own potential can be an important factor in whether you succeed or end up giving up on your desired change.

Choosing your goal involves envisioning your ideal result, or the outcome.  Next is choosing the process, or the path you will take to reach the outcome.  Self-efficacy is a term in psychology used to describe a person’s belief in the process.   It involves having both the confidence in your plan and the confidence that you have the necessary skills to enact your plan.   Consistent findings show that people who have high self-efficacy not only perform better, but also choose more difficult goals, show more commitment, are more flexible in their choice of task strategies, and are more likely to stay committed despite negative feedback.  In other words, if you believe you can do it, you are going to try harder and stick to it, even when you have setbacks.

Sounds good, right?  So how do you get self –efficacy?  Actually, confidence breeds confidence.  If you see your successes as coming from luck, or other people’s efforts, it will be hard to feel you have what it takes to overcome a challenge.  So look inside to determine what traits you do have that are powerful and effective – are your creative, stubborn, or funny?  How can you use these natural assets to help support you along your journey? Think about the successes you have had in your life.  What characteristics did you have and what actions did you take to get there?  How can you apply those to your current goal?  We tend to focus on our failure, and forget about all the achievements we have attained.  In this way, we underestimate our abilities and the skills we do have to apply to a new challenge.

Another step to building self-efficacy is to be proactive and put your effort into preparation.  What keeps you from feeling confident?  Once you can identify these areas, then you can address them.  This is a process where it really helps to have help.  Learning from others and gaining new knowledge can do a lot to increase your self-efficacy.  So it may be well worth your time to attend a class, join a group, get some coaching and do some research.  Seeing the path that works for others is a good model for building a plan you can also believe in.

Be realistic in your assessment of your abilities.  If you are too unrealistic about the challenges, you may get discouraged and give up, just as if you are too pessimistic.  Change is an active process, not only in your actions, but in your beliefs.  Plan, practice, share, and reward yourself.   Fill up your bank of confidence, because the more deposits you make, the more you will have to draw from in order to say “Yes I Can!”

A 2014 study from the University of Scranton found that only 8% of people achieve their New Year’s Resolution goals.  (Does this number surprise you or does this make you feel better?)  There are a broad range of reasons why people fail to reach their goals, but one factor often overlooked, I find, is the nature of the goal in the first place.

Goals must have relevance and meaning in order to sustain our attention and to be worthy of the necessary sacrifice to make them happen.  People often choose goals that seem like obvious desires, such as losing weight or quitting smoking, because they are habits that they have been trying to address for a long time.  But if these habits really mattered, why have they not achieved these goals already?  What I find in working with people who are frustrated in failing to reach their well intentioned goals of better health and personal growth, is that they don’t feel a real sense of connection to the goal.  The goal is more of a “should do” than an “I want to do”.  Making long term change is hard, and if it is driven by a nagging feeling of should, rather than a deep personal connection to a desire, it will most likely end in rebellious backlashes of “cheating” and eventually giving up.

Finding meaning in your goal is a really important process as you begin your journey of change.   In many of the Health Education classes I teach, I work with people in exploring all the possible motivations for a change, and help them identify the ones that most resonate with them.  For example, in quitting smoking, a man was told by his doctor for years he needed to quit and every year he attended quit smoking classes and started the year with the nicotine patch.  It wasn’t until he made the connection to his grandchild, who he felt had become old enough to understand what he was doing, did he want to quit.  The “I should” went to an “I want” to, and although it was still hard to quit, he embraced the process and achieved it.

Finding  meaning in and a deep connection to your goal is an ongoing process of motivation.  People who set goals and then journal about them frequently find it a good way of deepening their connection to their goal.  It serves to help them integrate the goal and its value into their daily lives.  another way is to visualize yourself living as if the new goal is achieved and seeing how your life would be different.   Make a list of all the “whys” you can think of to attain your goal and then rate them from 1-10 in how much each reason matters to you.  Circle the highest ones and then spend some time each day reviewing these factors.

If you have no “10s” on your list, you may need to reconsider.  Sometimes we choose goals that others want us to change or that we feel we should want to change.  Change is hard, but it certainly is much harder if you don’t really want it.  So, do yourself a favor, and choose your goals wisely.  Put your time and effort into goals that really matter to you.  If your heart is not in it, perhaps you need to readjust your goal to match your desire rather than trying to match your desire to your goal.

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I just returned home from a trip to visit with family.  Lugging my overstuffed suitcase everywhere, I got to thinking about the way I pack as a good metaphor to help me with changes in the New Year.  You see, I am an over-packer.  I tend to start with a list of things I need, and then with every extra inch of space I shove in all the things I worry that I’ll need,” just in case.”  What if it rains, snows, gets hot, or cold, or what if one of us gets sick, or forgets their gloves, or needs an extra pair of socks.  Before long, every inch of my suitcase is stuffed, making it not only a burden to carry, but actually hard to see and use the things I really want.The things I carry out of fear have a way of holding me down on many levels.  It makes me wonder what kinds of worries or negative thinking is crowding my mind and slowing me down in reaching my goals.  Self doubt has a way of slipping into empty spaces, as do resentments, crowding out creativity or daydreams.  So I ask myself, how much room do I give negative thinking in my time and energy?  How much space do I stuff in with worries that make it hard to see the growth and joy that I really want?

Letting go of unnecessary mental baggage is truly liberating.  The first step will be for me to resist the urge to think that “more” is better, trying to be prepared for one more concern or “just in case” situation.  Sometimes thinking less actually gives more clarity and more flexibility in handling what is happening in the moment.  I need to ask myself, is this thought something that will free me up or will it weigh me down?  Is it a positive plan or a worry?  Is it a motivation or a self judgment?   Going lighter might just be a better way to travel and make my life’s path a more enjoyable journey.

I must confess, in years past I was pretty negative about New Years Resolutions.  I seemed to make the same ones each year and so they felt pretty meaningless.  I would roll my eyes at the big crowd at the gym in January, knowing most would be gone by March.  My husband, on the other hand, was much more positive.  He loved making New Year’s Resolutions and spent quite a bit of time thinking which ones he would choose.   He actually looked forward to the chance to commit himself to something and was never deterred from past failure.

Perhaps he’s worn me down over the years , or perhaps a result of my years of teaching Health Ed classes with overflowing attendance in January, but my attitude has changed.  Seeing my husband’s enthusiasm combined with the look on the faces of all the eager people in my classes, I started to embrace the appeal of a fresh start to the New Year.  What is wrong with setting out with hope and good intention?  Isn’t it better to set them and be mindful of what changes you want to make, even if it only lasts a few months?  And even if the changes don’t last forever, perhaps you can learn and incorporate one or two new ways of doing things?  So, now I do make them each year, and actually enjoy the process.  Like making a wish on my birthday candles, I try to choose my resolutions wisely, with a dose of dreaming allowed.

Just to get myself in the mood this year, I looked up the definition of “resolution.”  Several meanings grabbed my attention as good inspiration (Collins English Dictionary):

1. A formal expression of an intention
2. The act of determining upon a course of action or procedure
3. A resolve or determination
4. Reduction to a simpler form
5. A settlement of a problem or controversy

These seem to combine to make a great recipe for transformation.  The first step to making any change is to formally define the goal and set your intention (1).  Then you determine your course of action (2) and add a heaping dose of resolve (3).  Keep it as simple as possible (4) and settle into the new way of being (5).

And the best thing about resolutions?  You can keep making them! Each year, each month, each day offers the opportunity for a fresh start.  Happy New Year!  May this year be full of love and meaning.

The celebrations that bring family together so often this time of year can be a mixed blessing.  These gatherings can trigger us into old patterns, placing us within our old family role.  Parents and siblings see us and treat us as they have in the past, and without even realizing it, we begin to act that way.  No matter how old we are, and despite how hard we have worked to be different and feel like a grown up, it seems so easy to slip into being who we were.

As the saying goes, we don’t choose our family and so even though we may love them, spending time together can be tricky in a number of potential ways.  It tends to bring up old family hurts that may never have been resolved or even talked about.  These old hurts simmer under the surface and are easily reignited.  Engaging in family traditions can be so lovely and help preserve memories of the past, but not all of these memories are pleasant. Some people feel an alienating sense of not belonging, even within their own family.  And if you are spending a lot of time with your partner’s family, it’s easy to feel on the outside or be pulled into unexpected dynamics based on your partner’s role in the family.   For those of you who have experienced a loss of a family member, your grief may be even more pronounced, and you may find the reminders of how the family used to be very difficult.

Before you find yourself saying, “It was like I was 13 years old again,” here are some ideas for helping you sustain the changes you’ve made in life and withstand the regressive pull.

• Be really clear within yourself who you are now compared to who you were. Ask yourself what changes you have made that are important to you.  Some may be obvious, like, I eat healthy now, or I am financially independent.  Some may be more subtle, like I can express my feelings more directly now.  By highlighting what is important to you, you’re more likely to pay attention to preserving it.
• Location, location, location. Be active in picking where you sit and who you talk to.  Pick a seat near people you enjoy talking to and circulate if you are heading to a conversation that feels like an old trap.  Go for a walk and take a break if necessary, using the time to get back in touch with the adult you.  Think ahead of time of past triggers, like your brother reminding you of your ex-husband or your mother asking when you are going to have kids, and be prepared.  Practice some responses that can deflect the question and protect you.  If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, be a team.  Have a signal that indicates you could use their support and could they please join in.
• Be a scientist. Take an observer role, noting what is going on around you without getting pulled into it.  By looking in as an outsider, you can remain detached.  Also, look for how others may actually have changed!  They may appreciate you noticing their efforts and accomplishments.  Ask questions; engage as an adult to another adult.
• Change things up. Add some new family traditions that don’t involve memories of you when you were that awkward 11 year old.  Choose something you enjoy where you can be in charge and that highlights your strengths and interests.  Lead a hike, host a meal at your home, or play music you enjoy.

Remember that you are an adult in charge of your own family now, even if that family is just you.  Take care of your family, and try to focus on the love you feel and want to give.

We think of laughter, party conversation, Christmas carols, and “ho ho ho” as the lovely sounds of the holiday season.  But in today’s blog post I want to appreciate and encourage you to make some room for silence.  Taking some quiet time can have both calming effects and create space for meaningful experiences that tend to get lost in the noise.

I am as guilty as anyone of turning on the radio or picking up my phone whenever I have a free minute.  It’s almost instinctual now, with so many accessible ways to entertain ourselves and fill our heads with new information.   Because we’re so conditioned to it, however, it’s easy to overlook how this “noise” fills the space about us and, without us even knowing it, creates barriers both between ourselves and other people and between ourselves and our own experience.

In order to get silence, we have to create it.  It can feel strange at first, and even uncomfortable.  Ironically, one of the hardest things to learn as you study to become a therapist is how to tolerate silence and how to “do” or “say” nothing.  Quickly you learn, however, that silence can be a powerful intervention.  When we are quiet, deeper thoughts and feelings come up.  We can allow our minds to follow a progression of images and memories, associations and intuitions.  Without having to put these experiences into words, we can just be in them.  Silence can enhance our connections and creative thinking as we set our minds free of expectations.

Silence also enhances listening.  When we have quiet, we suddenly notice how loud everything is:  the sound of the wind, the ticking of the clock, footsteps in the hallway.  We become more tuned in to the world and the experience of others.  We become better listeners.  Rather than thinking about what we are going to say next, we give our full attention to hear.

Silence also has the magic power of giving us time.  When you’re silent, life seems to slow down.  (Have you ever noticed how a “moment of silence” can feel like a long time?)  Use this power for the sake of good.  Let the worried thoughts that may pop up in silence wash over you and realize they don’t have to take over.  If it helps, give yourself a pleasant experience by remembering someone you loved who is no longer with you, or appreciate something about yourself, your loved ones, or whatever is right around you.

So, along with all the hustle and bustle and loud merriment, try a change this season.  Give yourself some quiet time to connect to what you love.  Silence can be like an empty gift box to fill with whatever delight you desire.