Sometimes the patterns in our closest relationships are the hardest to change.  Because of the intimacy and how often we interact, the lines between us and our loved ones are hard to see.  As a result, it can be challenging to notice where our boundaries may have stretched in ways that we didn’t intend.  In this blog post, I invite you to tune into your habits of relating and consider where there might actually be benefit from either pulling back or stepping up.

It is natural over time in relationships for a division of labor to settle in.  You go to the grocery store, he cooks the meal.  You pay the bills, and she takes out the trash.  The physical responsibilities are easiest to see.  There is also a division of emotional labor, although it can be quite subtle.  You soothe him when he’s angry at the kids, he tells your mother to mind her own business.  Each of you takes on the duties best suited to your temperament and comfort.  In many ways this can be a great advantage to being in close relationships.  The disadvantages, however, may be hiding.  Having someone to compensate for your weaknesses or your discomforts may actually get in the way of your growth and well-being, and over time, may actually cause problems. Resentments, blaming behavior, and overreactions are typical byproducts when there is an imbalance around emotional responsibilities.

Take, for example, the relationship of a young woman who is living with a man she loves.  Her partner had a rocky relationship with his ex-wife and tended to become aggressive when there was a disagreement around who had their kids for a night or weekend.  Being a gentle person, the young woman acted as a go between.  She was able to befriend the ex-wife and made the calls to arrange for the drop off and pick up.  At first this was great for everyone.  But over time, she began to feel resentment over the pressure she felt for being responsible for his children.  She often felt in the middle, and was increasingly blamed when the arrangements were misunderstood or inconvenient.  Their relationship was being damaged from the conflict, now involving her, and she was considering splitting up with him.  “How did this happen,” she asked herself, “when I just trying to help?”  The answer became clear with some perspective.  She realized that in her desire to be helpful, she was doing too much.  Yes, she was making it smooth, but she was also taking on all of their tensions.  Her partner no longer had to work on managing his own emotions and addressing the issues with his ex-wife.  Instead, he could sit back in his anger and put the responsibility for it on her.

Naturally in expressing our love we want to care for and help, even take away someone’s pain when it’s possible.  There is a constant evaluation if you are doing too much or doing too little.  This is especially true for parenting.  When is it helpful to lend a hand, and when is it getting in the way?  It can be so hard to watch a loved one struggle or even fail.  The question you need to ask, however, is when are you interfering with someone learning or taking responsibility for their behavior and when are you actually assisting them in their overall development?  And are you taking on an issue that is not yours to ease your own discomfort in feeling helpless?

These are not easy questions to answer, but they are really helpful tools to think about in your relationship patterns.  Personal boundaries are always changing, depending on our moods, stress levels, and the situation.  If you find yourself resentful, overly territorial around an issue, or feeling powerless, you might take a step back.  Where is your boundary?  Where does your responsibility begin and someone else’s end?  Your loved one may not like a change at first, but in time, it may be the best for your relationship.

With the start of summer and hot weather, people tend to drink more.  Whether after work, on vacation, or tending the BBQ, it’s easy to pop open a cold one or rev up the blender for just one more frozen margarita.  Certainly most people who drink are not alcoholics, but it is possible that your drinking may be harmful to your well being.  In this blog post, I will review the recommendations from the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion with the goal of increasing your awareness for yourself or someone you love.

At least 38 million adults drink too much and most are NOT alcoholics.  Drinking too much includes binge drinking, high weekly use, and alcohol use by a pregnant woman.  Alcohol consumption causes 88,000 deaths in the United States each year.  The good news is that with just a slight change in behavior people can reduce their risks of harm significantly.

One standard drink is equal to one 12 oz. beer, one 5 oz. glass of wine or a 1.5 oz. (shot) of distilled gin, rum, whiskey or vodka.

To stay within low risk drinking limits, you should not drink more than:

PER DAY:  Women should not drink more than 3 drinks on one occasion, for men, 4 drinks.

PER WEEK:  Women should not drink more than 7 drinks per week, for men, 14 drinks per week.

Excessive alcohol use has immediate risks, often the result of binge drinking.  These include motor vehicle crashes, falls, drowning, burns, and violence.  It can also lead to alcohol poisoning and risky sexual behavior or birth complications for pregnant women.  Excessive alcohol use over time can lead to chronic health diseases and other serious problems, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver problems, digestive problems, cancers (breast, mouth and throat, liver, colon), dementia and memory problems, as well as depression and anxiety.

Excessive alcohol use is also the cause of many social problems, such as missing work, reduced productivity at work and in your personal roles, and relationship conflict.  One of the most consistent problems that I see in my work with couples is the cost of drinking on trust and intimacy.  When people engage in excessive drinking, they tend to do and say things that are hurtful and even harmful to a relationship.  The behavior is often discounted as not being “real” because of the alcohol.  To the partner, the effects of the behavior are, however, quite “real.”  Over time, this pattern can erode a relationship.

So, from a psychological point of view, and a relational point of view, I must admit a higher standard for what I consider excessive drinking and at risk drinking.  If someone in your life – a partner, employer, co-worker, or family member – tells you they are concerned about your drinking, take it seriously.   Studies, in fact, support the notion that other people are better judges of the risks of our alcohol consumption.

There are so many ways to have fun in the summer.  Swimming, camping, boating, picnics, and concerts are just a few of the many things we associate with summer that we look forward to all year.  With just a bit more attention to your drinking behavior, you can make sure that the fun stays fun for everyone.

You reach the valley floor after climbing a mountain.  The level terrain is welcoming and offers a chance to reflect on the next peak ahead.  Be careful, however, as valleys are where the fog tends to collect.  Too much time in the valley and you might lose your motivation or clarity for moving forward.  Too little time, rushing ahead to attack the next climb, and you might not be well prepared.  Transition points are hard.  It’s a tricky balance to handle the ambiguous journey between an ending and a new beginning.

It’s common for these “in between” times to be quite challenging.  You end a relationship, graduate from college, or leave a job.  You know where you’ve been, but you don’t quite yet know where you’re going. Even if it’s a change for the better, leaving something that wasn’t right for you, it’s hard to be in the middle.  Doubts can start to creep in.  Did I make the right choice?  Old memories fill your head, because you’ve nothing to replace them with yet.  It’s hard to trust that someone or something better will come.  It’s a time of great anxiety and emptiness.  The discomfort can be overwhelming, making this is a time to be careful.  Very careful, in fact.  During transitions, people often lose their good judgment, in order to get rid of the pain.

It’s tempting to rush into something just to replace what you lost.  Not knowing what you want to do or if the right person will come along is scary.  It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking something is right, even when at some level you know it isn’t.  Filling a hole can feel good temporarily, but the long term effects can really set you back and be costly with consequences.  The other temptation is to give up on your goal. Waiting for something, like having to save up for a house, or taking the prerequisites before you can enter the program you want, or spending lonely nights in order to choose the right new friends, can wear you down.  It’s easy to get too comfortable, giving up on the goal, convincing yourself it’s for the best, or worse yet, convincing yourself it’s what you wanted all along.

So when descending to the valley, it helps to have a map.  While you can’t know for sure what the next step will be, you can plan to make the best of your time in between. Set some goals and activities to add structure to your life.  For example, while waiting for a new job, take a class, or after leaving a relationship, spend time with people you rarely get to see.  Take advantage of the shift in your life that may create openings for new things.  Rather than feeling like your life is empty while you wait for something, enjoy the now as much as you can.  But set some time limits, too, so you won’t lose the path to your ultimate goal.  For example, give yourself a year of travel after college, but set the date when you will begin to prepare for graduate school.  You can always renegotiate, but the time frame commitment will keep you assessing your progress and choices.

Change is hard, and often a good part of the reason for this is the “in between.”  Your mind can play tricks with you and it’s easy to get lost.  Without the clear direction of the mountain pass, the valley can lead you in circles.  So use your time to rest, regroup, and refocus.  And if the next mountain you were hoping for is not on the horizon, change course.  By pivoting just a little bit in any direction, an entirely new range might come into view.

At the end of each school year I am struck by how much each of mydaughters has changed.  Their graduations prompt me to recognize their growth, celebrate the learning they’ve mastered, and plan forthe challenges ahead.  Without these yearly transitions, in contrast, I tend to overlook my own changes.  While I appreciate the stability of living in the same house for many years, being in the same career, and luckily, in many of the same relationships, it can be deceptive to think that I’m the same person I used to be. Without big fanfare, slow but steady changes are surely taking place.  As adults every now and then it’s good to take inventory of our own personal graduations, assuring that how we’re living our lives has kept up with who we really are.

First and most obvious are the physical changes we experience.  How many clothes do I keep in my closet that I no longer wear?  Styles have changed, my body has changed, and yes, even what is appropriate for me to wear has changed.  While at first it can seem humbling, accepting these changes can actually be liberating.  I must confess, I love the make-over shows when people are confronted with their out of date make-up, hair, or fashion habits.  But embracing a new way of being is only fun if you feel ready to let go.  It can be scary if you’re a person who prefers to hold onto the comfort of how things used to be.  I know quite a few runners (including myself) with painful knee and foot problems that finally had to change to another sport.  While at first it was a blow to their (my) competitive ego, they actually enjoy feeling good again.

The same is true for relationships.  Some relationships change along with us, but not all do.  Like the styles we might have outgrown, relationships that worked in the past may not be what we need anymore.  You may no longer have much in common with someone, or your values and interests might have diverged.  It’s good to be honest with yourself about with whom and how you like to spend your time.  Just because you have always done the same activities with the same people, doesn’t mean there isn’t room for someone or something new.  Nor does it mean that you don’t appreciate these relationships and recognize their importance in your life.

Erik Erikson was the first psychologist to study natural developmental changes that occur in adulthood.  Since then, research has supported his idea that we continue to grow and change psychologically throughout our lifetime.  It’s often only at milestone birthdays that we seem to notice, but it didn’t just happen overnight.  Our ongoing experiences and our psychological development continue to shape our personality.  We may have become more extraverted than we used to be, more content with ourselves, or more restless with the desire for more risk.  These individual differences are what make us interesting and if attended to, can keep our lives stimulating and meaningful.

How have you changed?  I’ll bet if you sit down to think about it, despite the sense of your overall continuity, a lot about you has changed.  Make a list and consider how different you may be.  What does this mean about the goals you might set, what challenges you face, and what new desires you have?  Then, if you’re really brave, share these observations with people close to you.  It might be fun to celebrate a graduation of your own defining, recognizing all you have mastered and achieved.  Congratulations life class of 2016, you have lived, loved and learned another year!

It happens to me all the time.  I get home from a long day and I’m starving.  I put down my bag, take off my jacket, and stride into the kitchen thinking, “What do I want to eat?”  Immediately the crunchy texture of the garlic bread I just heard advertised on the radio emerges, followed by the creamy sensation of the salted caramel ice cream I know is hiding somewhere in my freezer.  As my senses enjoy considering my options, I cannot for the life of me remember what a healthy meal is or why anyone would want one.  And that is the danger of asking.   Considering choices in the short term can actually get in the way of sticking to what we actually know we really want in the long run.

Having a set plan in place is critical for any big change.  The fewer choices you have, the less room there is for temptation.  If you ask yourself “do I want a cigarette on my break” or “should I have a drink at the party,” you’re halfway to having them.  Of course you want one!  And now you must negotiate the ambivalence around the possibility you introduced by the question.  The more you can think ahead to eliminate your options to stray, the easier it will be to stay on track.  Have the menu for a healthy dinner set in motion before you walk in the door starving hungry.  Know what walking route you will be taking before you leave work, because when you have to decide, you’ll start thinking about how tired you are and how you might really prefer to take a shorter walk, or even walk around the mall rather than the trail, and then while at the mall, you might grab dinner instead.  The more decisions we have to make, the more wiggle room we create.

Obviously, planning every step of your life can quickly become tedious and restrictive.  So try to focus on making a set plan for the times when you are most vulnerable to temptation.  Think about your day and week ahead.  What are the points when you tend to stray from your desired habits?  Create a list of trigger points and make a plan especially for those times.  If it helps, make a list of three choices for each of those moments, so you have some flexibility, but all acceptable choices.  For example, instead of dessert after dinner, list three options:  a walk around the block, brewing a cup of tea, or playing solitaire on the computer.  It also really helps to have other people involved.  If your plan is to meet a friend for a bike ride or grill fish for dinner with your partner, the doubled investment in the plan will make it more likely to stick.

When it comes to long term change, spontaneity may not be the best strategy.  Why make it harder on yourself by creating tension each time you have to decide to “do” or “not do” a behavior?   A question by definition poses uncertainty.  So, when you hear yourself contemplating what you already know, recognize your question for the trap it could be.  While questions are an important tool for learning, they may not be the best tool for consistent doing!

I am borrowing Head Coach Steve Curr’s phrase “Strength In Numbers” to illustrate this week’s blog topic. It seems to be working pretty well for the Warriors, as MVP Steph Curry is out with a knee injury and they are still winning.  The phrase reflects the philosophy that to accomplish our goals we need to work as a team.  No matter what the change is you are working toward, no matter how solitary a process it may seem, we need other to people to help us along the way.  Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, quit smoking, leave a relationship, switch careers, or cope with an illness, creating a team to support you is a key factor in long term success.  An off night or drop in motivation is a much easier challenge to overcome when you  have a bench of people trained and ready to have your back.

When I ask people about their support systems for making a change, I often hear, “I don’t want to tell anyone because they’ve heard it all before.”  A sense of shame for past failures gets in the way.  While I totally understand the feeling, what you’re losing by not telling anyone is a key source of support that you will absolutely need.  Change is not a linear process.  We all change, and then change back.  Move forward, and then regress.  Create your own team in the way you will need it.  You don’t have to tell everyone, but choose a few people that will play key roles in your change process.

Another concern around support systems is when people, even with the best intentions, do things that make it more difficult than easier to change.  So, as best you can anticipate, and it may change over time, give people help in helping you.  What will actually feel supportive?  What actions can they take or questions can they ask you, and under what circumstances?  As you prepare for your change, talk to your selected team members, assign them their role and be specific about what they can do that will be most helpful.  They want to help you, so let them know what that looks like for you.  For example, a woman I was working with was trying to bring her sugar levels under control.  Every day, thinking he was being supportive, her co-worker grilled her about her diet and numbers.  Instead of being the support she needed, the co-worker was making her want to eat a dozen donuts, right in front of him!  It helped when she was able to thank him for his caring, as he really did care about her, but let him know that instead of a quiz each day, she would love for him to go for a walk with her during their lunch…and not talk about food!

We do not live in isolation.  It is a myth to think we can have “willpower” enough to withstand every temptation without a system in place to make our lives easier. We only have so much inner strength, which is why we can expand our strength in numbers.  Do some scouting, and draft your team members.  Train them, practice with them, and let them know how they matter.  Let them offer advice and resources; let them do some of your work!  When we put our egos aside we are able to let others help us, and we become a cohesive unit, more flexible, deeper in reserves, and happier in community.  And when it’s time to celebrate your success, you’ve already got your party started!

Last year for Mother’s Day I wrote a tribute to my Mother, Dossie.  She has taught me profound lessons as she faces the devastating losses from her neurological disease (Progressive Supranuclear Palsy).  This year, after 12 more months of the disease’s progression, I realize how much I have learned through my own challenges of managing her care.  It has exposed me to the awesome power of kindness, even in the smallest of gesture, in how it can both transform a situation and also relieve some of the pain.

These past few months, especially, I have had to undertake daily phone calls, e-mails, and meetings to coordinate my mother’s care.   I must admit feeling extremely vulnerable in my quest for help, advice, and reliance on people showing up as planned, including speech therapists and physical therapists, doctor’s, caregivers, care managers, medical supply companies, and the daily contact with many, many front office people for these various businesses.  Some of these encounters have been downright rude from impatience or indifference, causing me unnecessary frustration and despair. (I must admit, at times, it has not brought out the best in me.)  But at other times I have experienced sincere kindness and a genuine warm reception.  And what I am learning, as I had never truly understood before, is how this kindness really matters.  These encounters, both the good and the bad, are changing me, mostly to be a better person, in ways I hope I will retain. I am so grateful for all the kindness that has come my way in so many forms this year.

First, I would like to sincerely thank the people who spoke to me in a friendly manner.  A pleasant tone is soothing and reduces the fear and stress in asking for help.  Along with this, I would love to offer thanks to all the people who took just a few extra minutes to offer information.  Often it made a world of difference, giving me an insight, new perspective, or new resource.  Along these lines, I would love to acknowledge the people who showed up, whether it was reliably arriving for a shift, returning a phone call or e-mail, or following through on their duty.  Wow, it matters. And boy does it make my life easier.

And then there are the above and beyond acts of kindness that make you feel loved.  Thank you for the unexpected card from across the country that says you are thinking of me.  Thank you for attending a meeting with me, to be my extra pairs of ears and voices in order to ask for accountability.  Thank you for visiting my mother and planting bulbs outside her window, not knowing if she would live to see them bloom. Thank you for meeting me for coffee and offering a non-judgmental ear and a supportive piece of advice, even when it’s to tell me I need to change my approach or attitude.  And especially to my daughters, thank you all for your sacrifice in not having the full me available, and having the courage, without making me feel guilty, to tell me when you really need me to be there.  And most certainly, thank you all for asking.  I know how hard it is to hear about; how repetitive, depressing, and tedious, but you ask about it each time, anyhow.  For all of the many people who have been on my team this past year, you have taught me so much about love and so much about the power of kindness.

With all I have been given in this regard, I notice I am living differently.  Instead of a lowered gaze to catch up on e-mails while on line at the grocery store, I look up.  Somehow, without planning it, I now notice the person who looks lost or whose bag handle just broke and could use a hand picking up what has spilled.  Even if it’s just offering a thank you for a job well done, a smile to someone passing by, or directions to a traveler, I am more giving.   And for all the people who have been rude, unhelpful, and impatient, blaming others and even blaming me, I am going to try to be more kind.  I will never know what kind of day you have had, what kind of pain you are in, or what burden you are carrying.

As a mere human, I certainly can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound, I can’t look through walls to see if someone is in need, nor can I spin a web to catch a thief.  But I will always have the choice and the power to be kind.

*****A special note to THANK YOU, readers.  I have passed the year mark on writing this blog.  It has been an honor to know you are out there, willing to give me your time and attention, and benefit of the doubt each week.  My gift to you is a poem called KINDNESS by Naomi Shibab Nye, a true and gifted writer. Please do yourselves a favor and check it out.  http://www.elise.com/q/naomi.htm or just google the names

In last week’s blog post I wrote about the consequences of stuffing anger.  This week I want to address the times when you go even further to avoid your anger by not only stuffing its expression, but denying any experience of it as well.  Just because you’re not aware of it, does not mean you’re not angry.  In fact, the anger that you’re unaware of tends to do the most damage, both in relationships, but even more importantly to your own personal power.

When we’re little we tend to express our anger in gross motor movements (hitting, kicking, running away) and outbursts.  By age five we’re taught that such behaviors are unacceptable.  We’re either punished or we may have affection or attention withdrawn.  Young girls, especially, learn to “be nice.”  Over time, in order to be “civil” adults, we further curtail our negative emotions, sometimes by convincing ourselves that we’re not angry, even when we are.  Rarely can strong anger be completely suppressed, and so it leaks out.  These inadvertent expressions tend to be indirect, or what is often referred to as passive aggressiveness.  This can lead to frustrating mixed messages that take a toll on relationships, such as  when our words insist we aren’t upset but our behavior clearly shows we are.  Freud used the analogy of how smoke that is blocked from going up the chimney of a stove will leak out the door, through the grate, and end up choking everyone in the room.

If we’re not aware of it, than how can we know when we have hidden anger?  Here’s where the leaks can give us some clues.  Hidden anger often takes the form of these behaviors, including:  procrastination in completing imposed tasks, over-politeness or constant cheerfulness, frequent sighing, smiling while hurting, sleep problems, boredom or apathy, excessive tiredness, grinding your teeth, and extended periods of feeling down or chronic depression.  It’s easier to recognize and accept our anger when we let go of the feeling that anger needs to be justified.  There is no way to make yourself feel the way you “should” feel and no rules as to what is ok or not ok to be angry about.   At the same time, in order to own our anger, we must take responsibility for it.  No matter what someone else did to trigger it, the anger is yours.

Quite often for someone with depression, therapy starts with the expression of how tired they are, how many headaches and body aches they have, and how they believe that nothing they do or feel matters.  In time, they begin to share about their experience of being hurt by others or victimized in some way, but were too young, powerless, or scared to do anything about it.  As we explore their feelings around it, giving them permission and a safe place to see things from different perspectives, signs of anger often begin to emerge.  Frightening at first, they begin to find the anger hidden deep inside or turned against themselves in the form of self-defeating thoughts or behavior.  It can be wonderful to watch people become motivated and empowered, the depression slowly lifting in direct proportion to the anger released, like steam out of a kettle, freeing up space and energy.

Hidden anger is worth finding.  While it may be uncomfortable or cause a brief rift in a relationship, it is our reality.  No matter how hard we try to hide it, it will still be there.  The cost to hiding our anger is often at our own expense, losing our own power, energy, and passion in order to stay comfortable.  We betray ourselves and compromise our authenticity.  So be a brave inner explorer.  Hunt your anger and find your power, and you just may find some happiness along the way!

Although it’s a really common emotional experience, anger is hard to talk about and even more difficult to express well when you’re feeling it.   As a result, anger has gotten a bad reputation, as far as the hierarchy of preferred feelings is concerned.  There’s a tendency to judge anger as a more primitive state or that being angry implies a lack of maturity or self control.  In this week’s post I want to make a case for befriending your anger, as it can be a useful signal for when something’s wrong and can supply the energy needed for making a change.

The problem with anger is usually not the anger, but the way we express it.  Often people wait until their anger’s built up and then explode, confusing the message with the delivery.  By the time stuffed anger emerges we’re at the point of losing our rational thinking and acting impulsively.  The most common question I get when someone has problems around anger is how to not be angry.  They want tools to learn how to avoid being angry at all.   I try to reframe the issue as one of learning how to engage in self care, not self denial.  Most commonly, we become angry when we feel our rights have been violated in some way or that we’re being treated unfairly.  In this way, anger serves a really important role in alerting us to when we might need self protection or to be understood.  If we try to stop being angry, we ignore an important mechanism for self care.  So instead of trying to rid ourselves of anger, it’s helpful to focus on what it may be telling us, so we can advocate for ourselves and learn how to ask for what we need before we reach a state of being accusing or demanding.

Anger occurs in a range of intensity, from annoyance on the low end, to rage on the high end.  Try to notice your first hints of anger; is it irritation, sarcasm, or a physical sign of tension?  Then try to assess the root of when it began.  Be careful not to be judgmental, keep a scientific approach of observation.  Generally I’ve noticed three basic categories of triggers that often underlie our anger.  One is a sense of powerlessness or helplessness, such as being unable to have control over our situation, feeling a lack of support, or feeling victimized by other’s perceptions or misunderstanding.  It’s common to get angry when our boundaries are being disrespected or ignored.  A second trigger is shame or self-doubt in situations where you feel emotionally unsafe, perhaps feeling humiliated, inadequate, or a feeling that you’re not good enough.  And finally, rejection or abandonment can trigger anger, when we feel shut out or ignored by someone , and need to protect ourselves from the pain of the loss of love or understanding we desire.

Once you think you’ve found the source of your anger, take a deep breath.  Sometimes, just identifying what the trigger is can be soothing.  Or sometimes it can be energizing.  It may alert you to a situation that needed clarity and give you justification for your sense that something is wrong.  In either case, taking a little time to think, and breathe, is usually helpful.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming others or jumping to conclusions, especially about intention.  Did the other person mean to hurt you or make you angry, or is it just a difference or miscommunication that needs attending to?  Usually, because our experience is so personal, it’s easy to assume that someone is attacking us in a personal way.  Talking to a trusted friend or even journaling about our feeling can be really helpful.  We can vent, release our frustration, and often an answer to what we need becomes clear.

The final step to making friends with anger is to develop a plan.  I encourage people to use the energy of the anger to your benefit.  It can motivate you to start something new, take an action, or feel more powerful or in control.  The main thing, however, is to be in relationship with your anger, rather than at its mercy.  Like a good friend, listen to it, sympathize with it, give it some reasonable feedback along with loving support.   Trust it, respect it, and let it guide you to what you need.  After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Next week, a post about hidden anger.

I was e-mailing back and forth with my friend about a family situation I was really worried about.  She was so kind to offer her support and really understood my concerns (thanks Deborah). At the end of her last e-mail she added what to her was just a quick afterthought, but to me was a genuinely profound observation.  “PS,” she wrote, “Please hold space for the possibility that things could be different (better).”

In reading her suggestion, it quickly became clear to me how much I was living in my fears.  Every thought I had about the family situation was a potential negative.  I was so single mindedly trying to prepare myself and my loved one for the worst, that it never even occurred to me that there actually was the possibility of a positive outcome.  Or even a not-so-bad outcome.  As soon as I cleared out space for something better amid the layers of my fears, I immediately felt relief.

It’s so natural for us to worry, especially about people we love and situations we have little control over.  But how much extra suffering do we add when we rule out the possibilities for things to work out differently than we fear?  And how much do our expectations affect our outcomes?  If I am only thinking about the negative, besides being painful, I might miss out on opportunities to influence things to be better.  Or I might fail to notice the ways that things actually ARE better than expected.  By anticipating the possibilities of a broad array of outcomes, we can balance our fears with our hopes.  We can also motivate ourselves to change.  Without the possibility that things could be different, why would we put in any effort?  By visualizing and anticipating how life could be, we create a template and a pathway to our goals.

The same can be true of holding only positive possibilities.  In my line of work, we might refer to this as denial.  When working with people in a state of denial, they either don’t let themselves think about the potential for a bad consequence to their behavior (such as getting pulled over after having a few drinks) or prepare for a possible change in their good fortune (like the fact that their house value won’t go up forever).  It can be frustrating to be partners with people like this, as their Pollyanna attitude often creates a dynamic where the other person has to be the worrier or holder of the bad news.

Like so much in life, balance is key.  Notice your tendencies.  Are you more likely to be blinded by your fears or caught unprepared for what others seem to anticipate?  We may have different tendencies for different types of situations.  We might be overly burdened with our worry for our child’s academic performance, yet in denial about our own health risks.  To help you evaluate if your expectations are in balance, notice any patterns in the feedback you get from others.  When we hold one end of the continuum, it’s likely someone else is holding the other.  Do teachers tell you not to worry so much about your children’s grades, while your husband repeatedly reminds you about seeing the doctor?

As my friend suggests, it’s best to create some space for a variety of outcomes, not just the ones you fear or fantasize.   When you do, not only will your expectations be more balanced, but so will your attention.  It can feel a lot better and even motivate you to take action if you consider all the possible outcomes of your situation. And if you’re like me, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by some hope and potential happiness when you make the space to find it.