When our brain seems to be running wild with anger, stress, anxiety, or a desire for a drink, cigarette, or ice cream sundae, it seems no match for words like “no” or“stop.” But actually, a mindfulness technique of choosing the right words can be extremely helpful in corralling our primitive urges. The technique of “name it to tame it,” which encourages us to explore our experience and use words to express what we are feeling in the moment, actually has a lot of power in helping us gain control over our behavior. (Thanks to my esteemed colleague Rossana Hart, LMFT for this inspiring this one).

When we are stressed, our brains are in overdrive, engaging the flight/fight or anxiety response. This leads us to discharge energy, such as yelling at our spouse, or calm ourselves by eating or drinking. If we can intervene, stopping short our fight/flight response, we can make better decisions. When you name your sensations, such as “I am angry,” or “I am tense,” or “I feel like a failure,” you engage your left brain and activate competing brain circuits to counteract the fight/ flight anxiety loop, often quickly taking the edge off of your experience.

Brain scans actually show that putting negative emotions into words calms the brain’s emotion center and people report being able to let go of the negative feeling.  UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman was able to watch the brain functioning of people by using an MRI scan as they looked at pictures of males and female faces making emotional expressions. Underneath some of the photos were a choice of words describing the emotions, such as angry or fearful, or two possible names for the people, one male and one female. When making the choice of an emotion word, the imaging showed activation in the areas of the brain associated with thinking in words about emotional experience, while activity in the brain’s amygdala, involving emotional reactivity, actually calmed. In contrast, when choosing a person’s name for each picture, none of this activity appeared. In his article in Psychological Science, Lieberman concluded that his study showed the brain activity mechanisms by which identifying our emotions truly helps us overcome the power they hold over us.

In order to avoid getting stuck in habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that aren’t good for you, and in some cases are harmful, arm yourself with your vocabulary. When activated, take a moment and start to notice, and then describe, what you feel.

Tell yourself the story of your physical sensations, your thoughts, and what emotions you are aware of.  You will be surprised at the range of experiences you can have at the same time!  Them once you identify them, notice their intensity.  Has it changed?  Have you tamed your sugar craving beast or your tantrum seeking inner child?  Just like when we were little, “using your words” is still the best way to get what you want in the long run.

Ever since I was a little girl I loved watching the Olympics.   But unlike other girls who swooned over the young gold medal gymnasts or the winning swimmers in their sleek suits, I preferred to watch the losers.  Perhaps it is the same reason I became interested in psychology, but my favorite competitors were always the underdogs who despite knowing they had no chance of winning, found an emotionally compelling reason to keep competing.  Their faces were unknown and the amount they had to gain was actually so little comparatively, but what made them such winners to me was how each, in their own way, created a definition of success fully capable of sustaining their years of pain, dedication, and sacrifice.

As in the past, this year’s Olympic Village is full of athletes who inspire me by their ability to find satisfaction beyond fame and fortune, in the mere act of participation.  First, of course, is the ten members of the first ever Refugee Team.  Ok, yes, it makes all of us privileged lazy people look really bad, but how can we not become breathless when people with no homes and no families, no training facilities and poor nutrition, summon the strength to even try?  For example, Rose Nthike lokonyen, from Sudan, made the team despite having to run barefoot in tryouts in the refugee camp. Yolanda Mabika from the Democratic Republic of Congo first took up her Olympic sport of judo in a center for displaced children after she lost both parents.  Perhaps they run or swim just to maintain their sanity, or perhaps it is a way to stay connected to their humanity, but how can you not esteem these individuals as the purest and truest inspiration of the human spirit?

And then there are the people who pave the way:  Sara Ahmed, the first woman to stand on a podium for Egypt, ever (and she had to wait until the Weightlifting Federation approved a special outfit that she felt was okay for her to wear); Ibtihaj Mohammed, the first US athlete to compete in a hijab; Nino Salukvaqze and Tsoqtne Macharanai, the first mother and son to compete in the same Olympic Games; Bernard Lagat, the oldest track athlete still able to qualify at the age of 41; and Ashleigh Johnson, the first black US women’s water polo player.

And then, to really crack a smile, check out the video going viral of the two Philipino men spring board divers who landed flat in the water, literally got scores of “0” and then high fived with smiles in the hot tub!

These are just the people we hear about in the news.  For every athlete that never makes it to even a semi-final, there is a unique history of commitment and passion that we will never know.  What most inspires me is that without the expectation of a medal to define their success, these athletes have the inner strength to set their own personal goals which quietly provide enough meaning to maintain their commitment.  As I think about them, it makes me more sensitive to the stories of hidden triumph all around me – the people overcoming obstacles and personal challenges without much fanfare or economic reward, purely for reasons only they can define.   So, I am grateful for the inspiration every four years of all the Olympic losers, for they truly remind me that we are the meaning makers for our own lives, setting the goals by which only we can truly measure our success.

I’m writing this week’s blog post from a hotel room while taking our daughter to college across the country from where we live. I am so impressed with her attitude and her courage in choosing an experience of living, as she calls it, “outside of our California bubble.”   There are huge opportunities for growth when you take on such a big change, standing at the edge of the chasm looking across from who you are now to who you hope to become.  But you need to make sure the leap isn’t made as an impulsive fantasy, but rather with thoughtful preparation and self awareness to guide your landing.

When opportunities for big change present themselves it can often seem like they come out of the blue, like being offered a new job with a completely different company, or meeting someone to begin a brand new relationship.  But seldom are things as random as they seem.  New opportunities don’t happen in a vacuum, they are the result of all the decisions and life choices we’ve made up to that point.  If we ignore our truths and don’t apply what we know carefully, paying close attention to the red flags of experience, we take the leap with blinders on.  We all know people who jump into a relationship or make a huge move with little information, just a hope that by making a big change their life would become happy.  Frequently these impulsive decisions backfire, and we end up back where we started, only worse (the splat after the leap).

In making big change decisions, it sure helps to plan.  Do as much research as you can about the new experience and think through how the possibilities will resonate with your goals and values.  What are the potential benefits, where might things go wrong, and what resources do you have in case?  It’s also a good idea to have a parachute.  Is the change going to head you in the direction you want to be, even if things don’t work out?  Is the experience itself going to be something you will look back on with pride and leave you feeling good about your effort and learning?

While dropping my daughter off will be hard for me (God I will miss her) it helps for me to know that she feels her choice is the best fit for her in preparing for her future.  She created her plan by working hard in high school so she would have a lot of good choices, carefully researched and visited each top choice of programs in her area of interest, and chose a school that had the best combination of the campus, resources, academics, and awarded scholarship money that worked for her. She is developing a parachute by educating herself about campus tutoring and other student services and using social media to create supportive relationships to welcome her before she even moves in.  In watching her go through the process, I have seen her change so much already!   My daughter and her friends are truly so much more aware than I was at that age, which makes me feel the world will be in good hands in the future.

Sierra, my dear, you could not be any more ready, and we are so proud of you.  Of course you will have days and experiences that will make you doubt your abilities and your decision.  If you didn’t feel the need to grow, it wouldn’t be the right place for you.  At those times, just please remember all that you have accomplished and the determination you have always used to overcome. Now go take flight.

It’s hard to do it alone, whatever it is. Having other people to lean on and learn from along your journey can make a big difference.  Almost all research that highlights what helps people change, assesses levels of happiness, or evaluates what makes people resilient, points to the importance of social support.  But what if you don’t have people in your life to rely on?  And what if the people who you do have are not the best fit for the issue you need support for?  Joining a group is a great way to give yourself “peeps” whenever and wherever you need them.

People in AA know the importance of having a group of like-minded people easily available.  Even while traveling, an AA member can find a meeting most anywhere to help stay on track with their sobriety. Groups offer a focus on a topic with people who understand and can relate to what it is you are going through.  Often times in these types of focused issue groups you feel permission to say what you really feel because everyone else can relate.  There is a more empathy and less judgment among fellow travelers.  For example, in a grief group I once led, we laughed hysterically at the experience of a young widow and her well intentioned but tongue tied priest who had tried to offer her comfort.  “It feels so good to laugh,” she said, as she felt that nowhere else would people understand her need for giggly laughter at a time of such intense pain.

Besides camaraderie, groups offer another benefit.  They provide structure simply by having a scheduled time and place that guarantees they will happen.  Groups make sure you give thought and energy to your desired outcome.  For example, going to a weight loss group creates space for you to focus your attention on your diet and eating habits.  It also provides some type of accountability to track your progress and the opportunity to problem solve with other people how to handle your challenges. Groups can help busy lives stay in balance.  I know for me it’s hard to schedule social time, but having my book club or my women’s investment club on the calendar makes sure I will do something I want to do (read a book, research a stock) with people I enjoy.  While you may not have much in common with people when you initially join a group, over time, the familiarity from continuous meetings over the years truly builds a unique connection. (My investment club is going to Paris next year to celebrate our 20^th year of meeting!  Oooh la la!).

Not every group is the right group.  It may take time to try out a few different options before you find one that is best for you.  I recommend going to a few different types of meetings or times of meetings to see what feels like the best fit.  Each group tends to have a unique culture.  For example a morning meeting might be made up very different people than an evening meeting, or one group might do things in a particular way that another group does very differently.  When you think you’ve found a good fit, put some commitment into it, such as hosting a meeting, doing some research, or taking on a task.  Your effort will help make you feel more connected to your group, building the bonds that make a group cohesive and fun.

Walls of differences break down in groups, when we find our common humanity.  I have watched a lady in a pink dress and pearls form a friendship with a burly biker covered in tattoos when they shared about their difficulties with quitting smoking.  If they had seen each other on the street, they probably would have avoided one another.  The power of connection in groups can be down right magical.  Just like in the old TV show Cheers, it’s so nice to have a place “where everybody knows your name,” but you don’t have to live with them!

It is soooo hot!  At least that’s what a lot of people are saying via text, e-mail, or in the news.  And we all know how the heat can zap our energy and deplete our reserves for anything beyond doing what is absolutely necessary.  So this week’s blog is inspired by a young man I know who impressed me with an idea for motivation rekindling on days it is dwindling.

Kevin is a runner.  Actually, he tells me he is not a runner, but is training for a race he entered with the goal of becoming a runner.  Kevin was out of shape and has a job that is rather sedentary.  His doctor encouraged him to start exercising to lose some weight and to lower his cholesterol, as his family has a history of diabetes and heart disease.  So Kevin entered a race that is far enough in the future that he has time to work up to running the distance, and in the process, help him become fitter and develop the habit of exercise.  As the summer has progressed, Kevin has been challenged with not only hot weather, but all kinds of roadblocks of time and energy to his fitness goals.  But what has helped Kevin put his sneakers on at the end of a long day (when truthfully, he told me, he would rather put his pajamas on) is his Inspiration Board.

“Inspiration what,” I had to ask?  “Inspiration Board,” he repeated.  Kevin took a poster size piece of foam board and, like he used to do in school, made a collage.  He pasted the advertisement sheet for the race, the receipt for the money he spent on his new pair of sneakers, pictures of athletes he admired, and quotes he found inspirational all on the Board.  Then he placed the Inspiration Board right next to his refrigerator with the daily plan for his exercise routine pinned directly on top.  He found that in the past, when he got home, his old habit was to go straight to the fridge, eat more than he intended, and then feel lazy.  Since creating the Inspiration Board, when he got home and went to get a snack, he was inundated with his goal.  He did not have the option of conveniently “forgetting” what his plan for the day was, either.   It didn’t work every time, he admits, but most days, having the reminder and actively engaging with it, by adding new quotes or photographs, kept his motivation fresh.  He told me that when he felt lazy or tended to drift away from his goal, seeing the Board put him back in touch with the strong motivation and determination he felt when he made the Board and originally created his goal.

Even if you’re not as craft oriented as Kevin, you can still develop some type of visual representation of your goals and inspiration.  I know people who are quitting smoking find it useful to have pictures of their loved ones around places they might be tempted to smoke.  Some people make a list of the top three reasons they want to change and then post it in relevant places.  You can go high tech, using your phone or computer to send you daily reminders, or, as my daughter often does with great success, use Pinterest.  She creates a virtual board and pins pictures related to themes of plans she is creating.

Whatever the medium that you choose to use, the important part that seems to be helpful is repeatedly putting your intention right in front of your face.  While, like the heat wave, motivation seems to rise and fall, a visual reminder can help redirect your memory and your emotion in your intended direction.  Kevin, who is in the advertising industry, thinks of it as marketing.  We all know the power of commercials and images to sell us on food or a new car.  So why not sell ourselves on our own intentions?  Create your own custom made change inspiration advertisement.  And if you really get in the spirit, why not make a jingle to go along with it!

In a society that seems to value confidence (dare I say overconfidence), humility can get a bad reputation.  Yet consistently studies find that people who possess the psychological trait of humility are indeed better leaders, higher performers and, in general, are happier.  Humility is a cornerstone to being open to change.  Today’s blog will pay homage to humility, and dispel some misunderstandings about it as a weakness.

Despite the common misperception, humility is not the opposite of self-confidence.  In fact, people rated high in humility are actually also rated as being more secure.  It is, it seems, because they are self-confidant that humble people are able to be open to other people’s perspectives and attend to other people’s point of view.  In her study on humility, Pelin Keselir, PhD, writes that “humility involves a willingness to accept the self’s limits and its place in the grand scheme of things, accompanied by low levels of self-preoccupation.”  She refers to humility simply as a “quiet ego.”

Joseph Chancellor, PhD and Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, found five hallmarks of humility in their research:  being secure in one’s identity, being able to see oneself honestly without distortion, being open to new information, being “other focused” rather than self-focused, and having egalitarian beliefs.  In general, they found the quality of humility was not self-negation, but was the opposite of narcissism.

Despite the seemingly peaceful quality of humility, it is a powerhouse in terms of success and good outcomes.  Humble people form better relationships with others both in the work place and in personal relationships.  They are more tolerant of differences and are more willing to help others, being able to repair damage that occurs in relationships.  Physicians rated as high in the characteristic of humility not only had better communication with their patients, but they had better patient outcomes.  Humility is linked to better self-control, a huge predictor of life success, and lower levels of anxiety.  In terms of performance, those rated high in humility tended to have higher grades and academic performance and humility predicted higher job performance.  In terms of leadership, ironically, humble leaders are more effective.  In a study published in the Academy of Management Journal, Bradley Owens describes findings that leaders who admitted mistakes, gave others credit, and modeled teach-ability demonstrated behaviors that were powerful predictors of their organization’s growth.

I once heard a definition of humility that has stayed with me as a useful guide that I think sums up its benefit:  “Humility is knowing the truth about the self.”  In this way, humility is both knowing where we are strong and capable, but also knowing where we are in need of help or improvement.  Humility involves psychological flexibility and the strength in acknowledging vulnerability for the goal of self improvement.  What it guards against is false pride or bravado, empty efforts at covering over our weaknesses with the goal of protecting our ego and fooling others into thinking we are more than we are.  When we are humble, we have both the confidence to admit that we need to change and the awareness of the strengths we possess to help us achieve it.   So with this perspective on humility in mind, I hope the next time you have to eat some “humble pie,” it may taste a bit sweeter.

A few years back I attended a retreat that had a profound influence on me.  The leader posed a topic for us to reflect on that truly changed my life.  “Ask yourself,” he encouraged us, “for the wisdom to know when you’re ready to let go of your suffering.”

At first I was shocked.  “What did he mean, when I’m ready to let go of my suffering?  Now, of course.  I’m ready now.  Who chooses to suffer?”  But after I did as requested and sat with the question for a while, some profound insights came to mind about my happiness.  There are things in life that we suffer from that we have no control over, but there are also many things we suffer from that we indeed do have control over.  Our task is to do the work to know when we are ready to let go of the suffering we can.

Self inflicted pain tends to take the form of guilt, shame, and regret.  We can torture ourselves with these types of emotions that drain us of joy and eat away at our souls.  One example for me, personally, was survivor guilt.  Although my sister’s death had been nearly two decades earlier, I still carried a profound sense of guilt that she was gone and I was living on;  getting married, having children, buying a house, all things she never had the chance to do.  This guilt felt like a burden that weighed me down with a silent background of sadness and an empty feeling, especially when good things happened.  When I thought about it at the retreat, I recognized it, the survivor guilt, indeed was my own suffering.  It didn’t help me remember my sister, honor her life, or feel closer to her in any way.  In fact it only made it hard for me to think about her and our relationship.  Somehow, though, my survivor guilt made me feel connected to her, a continuation of a sibling comparison, perhaps, that was a natural between sisters.  It was at that point that I indeed had an “aha” experience of knowing when I would be ready to let go of that suffering.  It was when I could assure myself that I could remember my sister just as well without the feeling of guilt, instead allowing myself to have gratitude that I could live on and keep her memory alive.

The retreat reflection regarding “knowing when we are ready to let go of our suffering” is a powerful one.  I find it helpful because it implies a process that needs to be respected.  We suffer for real reasons.  Our pain is real pain, and has causes and effects.  But at the same time, it is liberating to recognize when we indeed, are the true source of our suffering and then are   in complete control of it.  We can ask ourselves, what purpose is my pain serving?  Who will I be if I let go if it?  What will it take for me to be ready?

I hope in sharing my experience, you, too, can have some new perspective on some old familiar pain.  What do you think you might be ready to let go of?

On July 4^th the Continental Congress officially adopted the Declaration of Independence.  It was a historic document largely written by Thomas Jefferson, justifying the fight for independence from Great Britain by listing grievances against King George III, and by asserting citizen’s natural and legal rights.   The day was celebrated with mock funerals for the British King.  A year later, still engaged in the fight for independence, George Washington ordered double rations of rum for his troops to mark the occasion.  Today’s modern celebrations of July 4^th are less political, but still invoke patriotism and the echoes of our nation’s bold move to create a new identity.

The famous line from the Declaration of Independence has become a well known statement on human rights.  It has been used as a cornerstone for many leaders to invoke justice and a better way of life, including so powerfully by Abraham Lincoln as a centerpiece to his policies:  We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

Ok, so what does this have to do with a blog about change, you might be thinking?  Inspiration.  This Fourth of July, as you celebrate all the benefits of the work of our ancestors, there might be something you need to declare independence from.  Is there something in your life that has a hold over you?  A person or habit that you feel constrained or controlled by?  Declare your independence.  Define your justifications, and confirm your rights that underlie the need and authority for change.  Today, with history as your guide, start anew:  a new way of relating to someone, a new habit, a break with an old way of being.

And then go ahead, write your own Declaration of Independence.  My daughter’s High School English teacher (thanks Ms. Joseph) had them do this as a writing exercise.  It can be very powerful (also humorous, as when students declared their independence from a sibling).   Pick something that constrains your life in some way and that you would like to be free of.  Write about how it impacts your life now, the ways in which it limits and affects you.  Then write about how your life would be different without it.  How would you change and how would the world around you change?   What will it take to be free from it?  What will you do instead?   Then, officially declare your freedom.

While forming our country required both actions and sacrifice beyond words to achieve independence, the Declaration was a foundation and a rallying cry for change.  Let your words become a foundation for you, this July 4^th, in beginning a new year of independence from something that creates a significant change for you.  Be brave, be committed, and I hope you can then celebrate your success for years to come.

Note:  Next week I will follow up on this idea of achieving freedom with a bit more serious post about letting go.

Have you ever noticed that once you have a habit going, it’s easier to keep it going?  This is a result of momentum.  Momentum is the “force that keeps an object moving after an impulse is applied to it” (the impulse-momentum theorem).  I will spare you the long explanation from a scientific perspective (partly because I don’t understand it), but instead, focus my attention on psychological momentum and how to get it working in your favor for the change you desire.

Psychological momentum involves the changes in a person’s sense of control, confidence, optimism, motivation, and energy over a period of time.  Initial success leads to a feeling that things are going your way.  As a result, you feel more confident and capable.  By increasing these positive beliefs, your enthusiasm goes up, making your interest and intensity grow.  Momentum can happen in one experience, such as in a sporting event or a day in the stock market, or over a longer period of time, such as our family spending habits or creating and sustaining a new habit of working out.

In reviewing literature on momentum both in sports and in personal or business success, two factors seem most important:  focus and consistency.  When we lose our psychological momentum, it often coincides with a loss of focus (Markman and Guenther, 2007).  Something occurs that distracts us, very often being our own thoughts.  It normally starts when we have a set back and a negative spiral develops.  The other factor is consistency.  The more we stick to our intended behavior, the more we have the discipline to continue despite set backs.  Through consistency, we learn to overcome and inoculate ourselves from the loss of focus that can come from a mistake or bad performance.

So, in putting these two factors together, it is clear that daily actions can really help to build both focus and consistency.  Jerry Seinfeld, yes, the comedian, attributes a lot of his success in writing jokes to momentum.  He has a method that he refers to as “Don’t Break the Chain.”  He gets a big calendar that has a whole year on one page and hangs it on a prominent wall.  The next step is to buy a big red marker and for each day that he does his daily task of writing, he puts a big red “X” over that day.  After a few days, he has a chain.  The chain keeps getting longer, and after a few weeks, he enjoys seeing the chain and then his “only task is not to break the chain.”

This strategy seems to work because it creates discipline and fights procrastination.  In addition, it helps avoid the trap of a set back.  If you have one bad day of writing or performing, you settle right back into your activity the next day.  It takes the focus off of each individual performance and puts the emphasis on the process.   The key is to pick an activity that is meaningful enough to make a difference when done repeatedly, but simple enough that you can do it every day.  Mastery follows consistency when you have dedication to small manageable tasks.

In order to help get you started (the initial impulse needed to get the momentum) there actually is a “Don’t Break the Chain” app that you can buy.  Another app to help track your daily action is the Momentum Habit Tracker app.  However you do it, whether with a wall calendar, piece of scrap paper, or the use of technology, the principle is the same.  Do something, do it every day, and keep track of it.  If you see a chain of success, you will feel successful, and you will be motivated to keep it going.  Small improvements accumulate, because daily action provides “compounding interest.”  Conversely, skipping one day makes it easier to skip the next.  Remember, the definition of momentum refers to it as a force.  Make the force be with you! (oooh, sorry!)

In order to learn and grow we require feedback.  Research consistently shows that people who are able to take feedback well, especially criticism, are more successful, both in business and in personal relationships.  I see this in my psychotherapy work all the time.  People unable to receive feedback have a rigidity that creates distance and frustration in their relationships.  But even for myself, witnessing how important it is, why is it so hard not to be hurt and defensive when someone gives me negative feedback?  This week’s post offers some insight as to why criticism is so hard for us and how we might shield ourselves from a bit of the sting.

Most of us experience criticism as a condemnation of our character.  We take feedback personally and therefore feel attacked not for what we did, but for who we are.  A big factor for people who are good at accepting feedback is viewing it as points of information for growth rather than a measure of your lack of worth.  Another big factor found in people who are good at accepting feedback is confidence.  If you believe in your basic abilities, you won’t fall apart when someone points out a flaw.  It’s much easier to believe you can fix a mistake than it is to overcome a feeling of incompetence.  Often what hurts most in negative feedback is not the direct content of the message, but the threat of exclusion, abandonment, or failure that is triggered by it.  The more we can stay centered and balanced in our assessment of ourselves, the more resilient to criticism we will be.

Our brains and the way our minds work naturally make us vulnerable to criticism.  About fifteen years ago was the first research revealing our “negativity bias;” our brain’s neural circuitry is actually more sensitive to negative stimuli than positive.  As a result, we are more aware of and put more weight in losses and potential threats.  Communication is scanned with an ear more sensitive to criticism than praise, or even neutral information.  We all know this experience, when you receive a review with five good points, but all you can do is think about the one negative.

Criticism is often toughest in our personal relationships because so much emotion is involved.  Points of discontent have less to do with tasks or performance and more to do with individual preferences and needs. Personal values, love, and intimate knowledge are all at stake.  We are most sensitive to the criticism of those closest to us, simply because they are so close.  Their opinion of us matters the most, and their rejection of us has the most potential consequences and carries the most weight.

In order to help be more open to feedback from your loved ones, try to listen to the feelings underneath the words.  Most often a criticism is actually the expression of a hurt based on a need.  If you can listen past the criticism, you can frequently hear a heartfelt desire in what would otherwise feel like an attack.  For example, “you don’t care about us, you work all the time,” is actually an expression of the desire to spend more time with you.  Or “you never compliment how I look,” might really be “I want to feel that I am attractive to you.”

While it may seem that it would take superhuman strength to deflect the negativity and see the positive, it becomes easier when you prime yourself to do it.  Remind yourself that this person is someone you love, who loves you, too.  Give yourself time, as well.  Take a deep breath and try to focus on listening rather than reacting.  Some of the most hurtful things are said when we feel under attack.  When you feel overwhelmed, ask permission to listen only and respond at a later point when you have time to consider what is being said.

Learning to take feedback well is a challenging skill that takes a lot of effort and a lot of self discipline.  It’s also something that gets easier with time and effort.  The good news is that with small changes, people tend to see immediate results in terms of greater intimacy and less conflict.  One of the most interesting things I also notice is that when people learn to take feedback with more resilience, they also learn to give feedback to others in a more productive manner.  Either in giving or receiving criticism, you can best shield yourself with the armor of a good perspective and an open attitude.