Lately I have been awed by the magical quality of time.  It can both go so quickly and so slowly, simultaneously.  We’ve been planning for my daughter to attend college ever since she was born.  So why did it feel like her leaving came on so suddenly?  And my mother was diagnosed with a neurological disease over seven years ago.  Her decline has painfully progressed over those long years, and yet it frequently sems to take us by surprise to realize a strategy we’ve developed to accommodate her needs has suddenly stopped working.  

No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on time.  Whether you are busy or bored, feel happy or sad, things are going well or your life is challenging, time passes.  And with it, time carries both the power to heal and the power to scare us as we count down our passing days.  Time is one of the existential absolutes that we cannot control, yet with awareness we certainly can choose how we use our time and whether the changes that come will bring contentment or despair. We alone have the power to be more present in our lives and more mindful of the decsions we make that accumulate minute by minute, day by day, week by week, year by year,  making up our lifetime.

A man I worked with put it all in perspective for me in a way I found incredibly motivating.  He said, no matter if I drink or not, time is going to move forward.  So when he feels like having a cocktail, he imagines himself six months from now.  Will he be happy he had the drink or unhappy?  Will he have six months of continued abstinence or will he still be an alcoholic?

Think of yourself six months from now.  Time will certainly have ticked on by.  If you stick to your dietary plan, or your abstinence from alcohol or drugs, or your anger or stress management techniques, where will you be compared to if you do not?  The choice is yours.  The time is guaranteed to pass, so why not use it toward achieving your goal?  Either way you will suddenly find yourself six months older.  Might as well take advantage of the magical powers of time. Time plus effort will equal success.

Sometimes the decision to make a change comes when we reflect on how our actions have affected other people that we care about.  This relational awareness can be a potent motivation to change and provides personal accountability to our efforts. But as anybody who has received an apology can tell you, saying your sorry can be a powerfully healing or an empty gesture depending on the way it is handled (example, Ryan Lochte’s twitter apology).  This week’s post will explore the elements to help you repair a relationship when it’s important to do so.

One element of an effective apology is timing.  Often people make the mistake of apologizing too early.  In doing so, the offended person may feel you are trying to move on without giving the situation full respect.  Aaron Lazarus, a former dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School who wrote a book about apologizing, finds  an inverted “U” shape to the best timing for apologies.  If it happens too soon or too late, it misses the important step of allowing people to express themselves and feel heard.

Which brings us to the second element of an effective apology – focusing on the other person.  Research shows that people are more likely to feel an apology is sincere and that the person is truly going to change their behavior when they believe the person understands the true hurt caused by their behavior.  This focus on the offended person’s emotional state builds back the trust that has been damaged by a break in empathy.  In the book titled, After the Affair, author Dr. Janis Spring finds that couples are most likely to save their marriage when the hurt partner truly believes that the partner who has been unfaithful understands the layers of pain they have caused.

But apologies can backfire if they are used too often.  Overdoing apologies can make each individual apology seem less sincere.  Especially when it is regarding a similar behavior, the apology begins to look like an excuse for not actually making a change to avoid repeating the offense.  Or, apologizing too easily can come with a social cost.  Research shows women can actually undermine their authority by apologizing too frequently. (Refer to Amy Schumer’s hilarious skit about women over apologizing).

And finally, there is the all too common in public sphere’s “non-apology,” which recently made its debut in the Oxford Dictionary.  It refers to “a statement that takes the form of an apology but doesn’t sufficiently acknowledge regret or responsibility.”  Often these statements have the quality of you having just consulted your lawyer.  Such as,  “I am sorry if you are offended by anything I have written in this post.  I’m happy to help you understand the importance of why I wrote what I did.”

It helps to think of the word “sorry” as the beginning and not the end of a conversation.  If done with caring, apologizing can be a powerful opening to a deeper conversation.  But keep in mind,  it’s your being sorry, not just saying you’re sorry that counts.  

Our biggest wish for our children is that no matter what they choose to do that they will “be happy.”  Many clients coming to therapy tell me that they need to figure out what to do in order to “be happy.”  Even the music on the radio tells us not to worry, but to “be happy.”  There is so much focus on happiness, but how many of us have really thought through what happiness is and what it takes to get there?  Fortunately, the field of Positive Psychology developed with just this goal in mind.

My old Professor, Dr. Seligman, studied depression.  Then, based on feedback from his own family members regarding his grumpiness (and he was) he decided to study happiness.  It became the first time that traditional psychology shifted from studying pathology and what went wrong with people’s psyche to what could go right.  What made some people happier and more resilient than the rest of us?  After decades of analyzing questionnaires, Seligman and his group concluded that happiness could be divided into three dimensions.

The first level of happiness is The Pleasant Life.  This refers to the times we enjoy and savor the pleasures of life, such as a good meal, a new car, or the companionship of someone or being in nature.  These are basic pleasures that feel good.  The only problem with this type of happiness is that it is fleeting. We feel good for a while, but it ebbs and flows depending on the experience in the moment;  eventually the new car isn’t so new.

Next, then, is the Good Life level of happiness, which is felt at a deeper level and is more lasting.  This happiness is derived when we use our “unique virtues” to creatively enhance our lives.  The  six virtues he classified (which he breaks down into 24 signature strengths) are understood more like values as opposed to talents.  He and his colleagues derived them from extensive studies of many cultures and are valued not as means to an end, but in their own right.  They are: Wisdom and Knowledge (curiosity, love of learning, judgment, ingenuity, emotional intelligence, perspective) Courage (valor, perseverance, integrity), Love & Humanity (kindness, loving), Justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership), Temperance (self-control, prudence, humility),  and Transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, spirituality, forgiveness, humor, zest).  Living in ways that are in line with and utilize your unique signature strengths creates lasting happiness, more akin to gratification than pleasure.  

The highest level, or the Meaningful Life, involves the development of your virtues and strengths in service of something bigger than yourself.  It involves connecting to community or culture in a way that brings about the deepest levels of satisfaction from your virtues.  So, for example, you may get great pleasure from looking at the stars.  If you are someone whose virtue is Wisdom and Knowledge, then studying the cosmos will bring you life satisfaction.  And if you can find a way to teach or contribute to the astronomical community, this may bring the highest level of gratification in a more transcendent way.

The thing about authentic happiness is that it isn’t easy.  It takes time and effort to cultivate, as opposed to eating a bowl of Hagen Daz (which is pretty pleasurable).  Anything meaningful is going to take work.  But the good news, research shows, is that authentic happiness can be learned.  We can cultivate it and teach ourselves to be happy.  So here’s a nice change of pace – focus your energy on your strengths instead of your weaknesses.  Use your signature strengths to compensate for your weaknesses, and in doing so you will be intrinsically more gratified and enjoy the process.  In other words, you will be happier!

**To identify your signature strengths, take the test!  Go to www.authentichappiness.com.  Then learn more about how to make yourself happier by aligning your life with your strengths.

When our brain seems to be running wild with anger, stress, anxiety, or a desire for a drink, cigarette, or ice cream sundae, it seems no match for words like “no” or“stop.” But actually, a mindfulness technique of choosing the right words can be extremely helpful in corralling our primitive urges. The technique of “name it to tame it,” which encourages us to explore our experience and use words to express what we are feeling in the moment, actually has a lot of power in helping us gain control over our behavior. (Thanks to my esteemed colleague Rossana Hart, LMFT for this inspiring this one).

When we are stressed, our brains are in overdrive, engaging the flight/fight or anxiety response. This leads us to discharge energy, such as yelling at our spouse, or calm ourselves by eating or drinking. If we can intervene, stopping short our fight/flight response, we can make better decisions. When you name your sensations, such as “I am angry,” or “I am tense,” or “I feel like a failure,” you engage your left brain and activate competing brain circuits to counteract the fight/ flight anxiety loop, often quickly taking the edge off of your experience.

Brain scans actually show that putting negative emotions into words calms the brain’s emotion center and people report being able to let go of the negative feeling.  UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman was able to watch the brain functioning of people by using an MRI scan as they looked at pictures of males and female faces making emotional expressions. Underneath some of the photos were a choice of words describing the emotions, such as angry or fearful, or two possible names for the people, one male and one female. When making the choice of an emotion word, the imaging showed activation in the areas of the brain associated with thinking in words about emotional experience, while activity in the brain’s amygdala, involving emotional reactivity, actually calmed. In contrast, when choosing a person’s name for each picture, none of this activity appeared. In his article in Psychological Science, Lieberman concluded that his study showed the brain activity mechanisms by which identifying our emotions truly helps us overcome the power they hold over us.

In order to avoid getting stuck in habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that aren’t good for you, and in some cases are harmful, arm yourself with your vocabulary. When activated, take a moment and start to notice, and then describe, what you feel.

Tell yourself the story of your physical sensations, your thoughts, and what emotions you are aware of.  You will be surprised at the range of experiences you can have at the same time!  Them once you identify them, notice their intensity.  Has it changed?  Have you tamed your sugar craving beast or your tantrum seeking inner child?  Just like when we were little, “using your words” is still the best way to get what you want in the long run.

Ever since I was a little girl I loved watching the Olympics.   But unlike other girls who swooned over the young gold medal gymnasts or the winning swimmers in their sleek suits, I preferred to watch the losers.  Perhaps it is the same reason I became interested in psychology, but my favorite competitors were always the underdogs who despite knowing they had no chance of winning, found an emotionally compelling reason to keep competing.  Their faces were unknown and the amount they had to gain was actually so little comparatively, but what made them such winners to me was how each, in their own way, created a definition of success fully capable of sustaining their years of pain, dedication, and sacrifice.

As in the past, this year’s Olympic Village is full of athletes who inspire me by their ability to find satisfaction beyond fame and fortune, in the mere act of participation.  First, of course, is the ten members of the first ever Refugee Team.  Ok, yes, it makes all of us privileged lazy people look really bad, but how can we not become breathless when people with no homes and no families, no training facilities and poor nutrition, summon the strength to even try?  For example, Rose Nthike lokonyen, from Sudan, made the team despite having to run barefoot in tryouts in the refugee camp. Yolanda Mabika from the Democratic Republic of Congo first took up her Olympic sport of judo in a center for displaced children after she lost both parents.  Perhaps they run or swim just to maintain their sanity, or perhaps it is a way to stay connected to their humanity, but how can you not esteem these individuals as the purest and truest inspiration of the human spirit?

And then there are the people who pave the way:  Sara Ahmed, the first woman to stand on a podium for Egypt, ever (and she had to wait until the Weightlifting Federation approved a special outfit that she felt was okay for her to wear); Ibtihaj Mohammed, the first US athlete to compete in a hijab; Nino Salukvaqze and Tsoqtne Macharanai, the first mother and son to compete in the same Olympic Games; Bernard Lagat, the oldest track athlete still able to qualify at the age of 41; and Ashleigh Johnson, the first black US women’s water polo player.

And then, to really crack a smile, check out the video going viral of the two Philipino men spring board divers who landed flat in the water, literally got scores of “0” and then high fived with smiles in the hot tub!

These are just the people we hear about in the news.  For every athlete that never makes it to even a semi-final, there is a unique history of commitment and passion that we will never know.  What most inspires me is that without the expectation of a medal to define their success, these athletes have the inner strength to set their own personal goals which quietly provide enough meaning to maintain their commitment.  As I think about them, it makes me more sensitive to the stories of hidden triumph all around me – the people overcoming obstacles and personal challenges without much fanfare or economic reward, purely for reasons only they can define.   So, I am grateful for the inspiration every four years of all the Olympic losers, for they truly remind me that we are the meaning makers for our own lives, setting the goals by which only we can truly measure our success.

I’m writing this week’s blog post from a hotel room while taking our daughter to college across the country from where we live. I am so impressed with her attitude and her courage in choosing an experience of living, as she calls it, “outside of our California bubble.”   There are huge opportunities for growth when you take on such a big change, standing at the edge of the chasm looking across from who you are now to who you hope to become.  But you need to make sure the leap isn’t made as an impulsive fantasy, but rather with thoughtful preparation and self awareness to guide your landing.

When opportunities for big change present themselves it can often seem like they come out of the blue, like being offered a new job with a completely different company, or meeting someone to begin a brand new relationship.  But seldom are things as random as they seem.  New opportunities don’t happen in a vacuum, they are the result of all the decisions and life choices we’ve made up to that point.  If we ignore our truths and don’t apply what we know carefully, paying close attention to the red flags of experience, we take the leap with blinders on.  We all know people who jump into a relationship or make a huge move with little information, just a hope that by making a big change their life would become happy.  Frequently these impulsive decisions backfire, and we end up back where we started, only worse (the splat after the leap).

In making big change decisions, it sure helps to plan.  Do as much research as you can about the new experience and think through how the possibilities will resonate with your goals and values.  What are the potential benefits, where might things go wrong, and what resources do you have in case?  It’s also a good idea to have a parachute.  Is the change going to head you in the direction you want to be, even if things don’t work out?  Is the experience itself going to be something you will look back on with pride and leave you feeling good about your effort and learning?

While dropping my daughter off will be hard for me (God I will miss her) it helps for me to know that she feels her choice is the best fit for her in preparing for her future.  She created her plan by working hard in high school so she would have a lot of good choices, carefully researched and visited each top choice of programs in her area of interest, and chose a school that had the best combination of the campus, resources, academics, and awarded scholarship money that worked for her. She is developing a parachute by educating herself about campus tutoring and other student services and using social media to create supportive relationships to welcome her before she even moves in.  In watching her go through the process, I have seen her change so much already!   My daughter and her friends are truly so much more aware than I was at that age, which makes me feel the world will be in good hands in the future.

Sierra, my dear, you could not be any more ready, and we are so proud of you.  Of course you will have days and experiences that will make you doubt your abilities and your decision.  If you didn’t feel the need to grow, it wouldn’t be the right place for you.  At those times, just please remember all that you have accomplished and the determination you have always used to overcome. Now go take flight.

It’s hard to do it alone, whatever it is. Having other people to lean on and learn from along your journey can make a big difference.  Almost all research that highlights what helps people change, assesses levels of happiness, or evaluates what makes people resilient, points to the importance of social support.  But what if you don’t have people in your life to rely on?  And what if the people who you do have are not the best fit for the issue you need support for?  Joining a group is a great way to give yourself “peeps” whenever and wherever you need them.

People in AA know the importance of having a group of like-minded people easily available.  Even while traveling, an AA member can find a meeting most anywhere to help stay on track with their sobriety. Groups offer a focus on a topic with people who understand and can relate to what it is you are going through.  Often times in these types of focused issue groups you feel permission to say what you really feel because everyone else can relate.  There is a more empathy and less judgment among fellow travelers.  For example, in a grief group I once led, we laughed hysterically at the experience of a young widow and her well intentioned but tongue tied priest who had tried to offer her comfort.  “It feels so good to laugh,” she said, as she felt that nowhere else would people understand her need for giggly laughter at a time of such intense pain.

Besides camaraderie, groups offer another benefit.  They provide structure simply by having a scheduled time and place that guarantees they will happen.  Groups make sure you give thought and energy to your desired outcome.  For example, going to a weight loss group creates space for you to focus your attention on your diet and eating habits.  It also provides some type of accountability to track your progress and the opportunity to problem solve with other people how to handle your challenges. Groups can help busy lives stay in balance.  I know for me it’s hard to schedule social time, but having my book club or my women’s investment club on the calendar makes sure I will do something I want to do (read a book, research a stock) with people I enjoy.  While you may not have much in common with people when you initially join a group, over time, the familiarity from continuous meetings over the years truly builds a unique connection. (My investment club is going to Paris next year to celebrate our 20^th year of meeting!  Oooh la la!).

Not every group is the right group.  It may take time to try out a few different options before you find one that is best for you.  I recommend going to a few different types of meetings or times of meetings to see what feels like the best fit.  Each group tends to have a unique culture.  For example a morning meeting might be made up very different people than an evening meeting, or one group might do things in a particular way that another group does very differently.  When you think you’ve found a good fit, put some commitment into it, such as hosting a meeting, doing some research, or taking on a task.  Your effort will help make you feel more connected to your group, building the bonds that make a group cohesive and fun.

Walls of differences break down in groups, when we find our common humanity.  I have watched a lady in a pink dress and pearls form a friendship with a burly biker covered in tattoos when they shared about their difficulties with quitting smoking.  If they had seen each other on the street, they probably would have avoided one another.  The power of connection in groups can be down right magical.  Just like in the old TV show Cheers, it’s so nice to have a place “where everybody knows your name,” but you don’t have to live with them!

It is soooo hot!  At least that’s what a lot of people are saying via text, e-mail, or in the news.  And we all know how the heat can zap our energy and deplete our reserves for anything beyond doing what is absolutely necessary.  So this week’s blog is inspired by a young man I know who impressed me with an idea for motivation rekindling on days it is dwindling.

Kevin is a runner.  Actually, he tells me he is not a runner, but is training for a race he entered with the goal of becoming a runner.  Kevin was out of shape and has a job that is rather sedentary.  His doctor encouraged him to start exercising to lose some weight and to lower his cholesterol, as his family has a history of diabetes and heart disease.  So Kevin entered a race that is far enough in the future that he has time to work up to running the distance, and in the process, help him become fitter and develop the habit of exercise.  As the summer has progressed, Kevin has been challenged with not only hot weather, but all kinds of roadblocks of time and energy to his fitness goals.  But what has helped Kevin put his sneakers on at the end of a long day (when truthfully, he told me, he would rather put his pajamas on) is his Inspiration Board.

“Inspiration what,” I had to ask?  “Inspiration Board,” he repeated.  Kevin took a poster size piece of foam board and, like he used to do in school, made a collage.  He pasted the advertisement sheet for the race, the receipt for the money he spent on his new pair of sneakers, pictures of athletes he admired, and quotes he found inspirational all on the Board.  Then he placed the Inspiration Board right next to his refrigerator with the daily plan for his exercise routine pinned directly on top.  He found that in the past, when he got home, his old habit was to go straight to the fridge, eat more than he intended, and then feel lazy.  Since creating the Inspiration Board, when he got home and went to get a snack, he was inundated with his goal.  He did not have the option of conveniently “forgetting” what his plan for the day was, either.   It didn’t work every time, he admits, but most days, having the reminder and actively engaging with it, by adding new quotes or photographs, kept his motivation fresh.  He told me that when he felt lazy or tended to drift away from his goal, seeing the Board put him back in touch with the strong motivation and determination he felt when he made the Board and originally created his goal.

Even if you’re not as craft oriented as Kevin, you can still develop some type of visual representation of your goals and inspiration.  I know people who are quitting smoking find it useful to have pictures of their loved ones around places they might be tempted to smoke.  Some people make a list of the top three reasons they want to change and then post it in relevant places.  You can go high tech, using your phone or computer to send you daily reminders, or, as my daughter often does with great success, use Pinterest.  She creates a virtual board and pins pictures related to themes of plans she is creating.

Whatever the medium that you choose to use, the important part that seems to be helpful is repeatedly putting your intention right in front of your face.  While, like the heat wave, motivation seems to rise and fall, a visual reminder can help redirect your memory and your emotion in your intended direction.  Kevin, who is in the advertising industry, thinks of it as marketing.  We all know the power of commercials and images to sell us on food or a new car.  So why not sell ourselves on our own intentions?  Create your own custom made change inspiration advertisement.  And if you really get in the spirit, why not make a jingle to go along with it!

In a society that seems to value confidence (dare I say overconfidence), humility can get a bad reputation.  Yet consistently studies find that people who possess the psychological trait of humility are indeed better leaders, higher performers and, in general, are happier.  Humility is a cornerstone to being open to change.  Today’s blog will pay homage to humility, and dispel some misunderstandings about it as a weakness.

Despite the common misperception, humility is not the opposite of self-confidence.  In fact, people rated high in humility are actually also rated as being more secure.  It is, it seems, because they are self-confidant that humble people are able to be open to other people’s perspectives and attend to other people’s point of view.  In her study on humility, Pelin Keselir, PhD, writes that “humility involves a willingness to accept the self’s limits and its place in the grand scheme of things, accompanied by low levels of self-preoccupation.”  She refers to humility simply as a “quiet ego.”

Joseph Chancellor, PhD and Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, found five hallmarks of humility in their research:  being secure in one’s identity, being able to see oneself honestly without distortion, being open to new information, being “other focused” rather than self-focused, and having egalitarian beliefs.  In general, they found the quality of humility was not self-negation, but was the opposite of narcissism.

Despite the seemingly peaceful quality of humility, it is a powerhouse in terms of success and good outcomes.  Humble people form better relationships with others both in the work place and in personal relationships.  They are more tolerant of differences and are more willing to help others, being able to repair damage that occurs in relationships.  Physicians rated as high in the characteristic of humility not only had better communication with their patients, but they had better patient outcomes.  Humility is linked to better self-control, a huge predictor of life success, and lower levels of anxiety.  In terms of performance, those rated high in humility tended to have higher grades and academic performance and humility predicted higher job performance.  In terms of leadership, ironically, humble leaders are more effective.  In a study published in the Academy of Management Journal, Bradley Owens describes findings that leaders who admitted mistakes, gave others credit, and modeled teach-ability demonstrated behaviors that were powerful predictors of their organization’s growth.

I once heard a definition of humility that has stayed with me as a useful guide that I think sums up its benefit:  “Humility is knowing the truth about the self.”  In this way, humility is both knowing where we are strong and capable, but also knowing where we are in need of help or improvement.  Humility involves psychological flexibility and the strength in acknowledging vulnerability for the goal of self improvement.  What it guards against is false pride or bravado, empty efforts at covering over our weaknesses with the goal of protecting our ego and fooling others into thinking we are more than we are.  When we are humble, we have both the confidence to admit that we need to change and the awareness of the strengths we possess to help us achieve it.   So with this perspective on humility in mind, I hope the next time you have to eat some “humble pie,” it may taste a bit sweeter.

A few years back I attended a retreat that had a profound influence on me.  The leader posed a topic for us to reflect on that truly changed my life.  “Ask yourself,” he encouraged us, “for the wisdom to know when you’re ready to let go of your suffering.”

At first I was shocked.  “What did he mean, when I’m ready to let go of my suffering?  Now, of course.  I’m ready now.  Who chooses to suffer?”  But after I did as requested and sat with the question for a while, some profound insights came to mind about my happiness.  There are things in life that we suffer from that we have no control over, but there are also many things we suffer from that we indeed do have control over.  Our task is to do the work to know when we are ready to let go of the suffering we can.

Self inflicted pain tends to take the form of guilt, shame, and regret.  We can torture ourselves with these types of emotions that drain us of joy and eat away at our souls.  One example for me, personally, was survivor guilt.  Although my sister’s death had been nearly two decades earlier, I still carried a profound sense of guilt that she was gone and I was living on;  getting married, having children, buying a house, all things she never had the chance to do.  This guilt felt like a burden that weighed me down with a silent background of sadness and an empty feeling, especially when good things happened.  When I thought about it at the retreat, I recognized it, the survivor guilt, indeed was my own suffering.  It didn’t help me remember my sister, honor her life, or feel closer to her in any way.  In fact it only made it hard for me to think about her and our relationship.  Somehow, though, my survivor guilt made me feel connected to her, a continuation of a sibling comparison, perhaps, that was a natural between sisters.  It was at that point that I indeed had an “aha” experience of knowing when I would be ready to let go of that suffering.  It was when I could assure myself that I could remember my sister just as well without the feeling of guilt, instead allowing myself to have gratitude that I could live on and keep her memory alive.

The retreat reflection regarding “knowing when we are ready to let go of our suffering” is a powerful one.  I find it helpful because it implies a process that needs to be respected.  We suffer for real reasons.  Our pain is real pain, and has causes and effects.  But at the same time, it is liberating to recognize when we indeed, are the true source of our suffering and then are   in complete control of it.  We can ask ourselves, what purpose is my pain serving?  Who will I be if I let go if it?  What will it take for me to be ready?

I hope in sharing my experience, you, too, can have some new perspective on some old familiar pain.  What do you think you might be ready to let go of?