Halloween offers the opportunity to dress up and pretend to be someone we’re not, just for the fun of it.  But what we don’t realize is that each of us in our daily lives also pretend to be someone we’re not. So I thought this would be a good week to write about the psychological concept of “the mask” and how we may use it both for our benefit and, at times, with considerable cost.

When we’re little we learn to mask our authentic self in order to please our parents and be compliant.  We avoid being shamed, scolded, rejected, or even hit by adopting a presentation of ourselves that is in line with what we feel is needed or expected.  Depending how strong the pressure from our family or community, we may get the message that our true self is not lovable or acceptable.  We become alienated from our authentic self, which can really interfere with our ability for true intimacy.  We wear our “good girl” mask or our “boys don’t cry” mask that covers over what we really feel and need.   Emotions that we tend to conceal are anger, disgust, anxiety, embarrassment, and sadness; all emotions that show and share our vulnerability, which is the foundation for real intimacy.

When we’re able to shed our masks, we come to learn that our true selves are indeed acceptable and our uniqueness is something to be cherished.  It frees up energy used to defend and cover ourselves to actually know ourselves and others better.  We also become more trustworthy because who we present to the world is more consistent with who we really are.

Once we become conscious of our masks, we can choose to use them when needed.  There are times when it helps to reach into our bag of disguises to fake-it-till-we-make-it.  It can be quite useful to have the “good mother” mask when we’re tired and have lost our patience.  And having the “tough as nails” mask or even the “be nice to authority” mask at hand can get us through some rough moments and difficult circumstances where we need to comply in order to persevere.

So as you parade around in costume this year, it might be fun to ask yourself what masks you will put down when the day is over and what masks might tend to stay.  Or maybe there is a new mask you can consider for a situation in which you need it.  Whatever masks you live with, what is important is to be able to distinguish the mask from who you really are underneath it.

So many of the people I work with, as well as my friends, tell me they’ve just plain forgotten how to have fun.  As our lives slowly fill up with increasingly heavy issues and responsibilities, we seem to lose the sense of what fun is and how to have it.  We find ourselves driving our kids to all of their fun activities, but we,ourselves, become a facilitator and not a participant.  Many people turn to alcohol as a way to lighten the mood, but this brings other complications and is just a way to mask our situation.  So in this week’s post I did a little digging around in the literature to see what I could find out about having fun again.

First, here are some ideas about what gets in the way of having fun so we can think about the barriers we face.  For many, we think we don’t have the time or the money to have fun.  We associate fun with doing something decadent or a big activity that takes time, savings, and planning.  But what we’ve forgotten is that fun can come in small doses.  Sometimes it’s just being in the moment with people we really enjoy.  Or we can take 15 minutes to half an hour of doing something we really love.  Another barrier is the feeling that to have fun, conditions need to be just right.  If we’re dealing with a parent’s illness or serious circumstance at work it’s easy to get pulled into a constant state of heaviness.  We confuse solemnity for seriousness.  And finally, we forget that being an adult, even an adult in charge, doesn’t mean we can’t go out on a limb and make a fool of ourselves every once in a while.  We are all quite capable of being silly at any age.

Children have fun because they are open to it.  I remember walking with my children amazed at how they found a good time everywhere around them.  The curb was a balance beam, the bug on the sidewalk was an amazing discovery, and the firetruck was a grand parade.  We are born with a complete understanding of how to have fun, but somehow, we unlearn it.  Children have fun because they feel the permission to be spontaneous. Fun is more of a perspective than an activity.  So, as an adult, we must retrain ourselves to know what we once knew.

One helpful practice that children can do so easily is to take time to be fully where you are.  Adults tend to be thinking about things we need to do or to be looking at our phones to answer e-mails.  Try at least once a day to stop, breath, and take in all the sights, smells, and sounds around you.  By doing so, you’re much more likely to notice something right in front of you that’s downright funny.  Another thing that kids do is try new activities.  They are constantly learning and being given the opportunities to be a beginner.  So we, too, should try something new just for the experience of it.  Take up a new hobby and be awful at it!  Cook a dish not for a dinner party, where you will be afraid if it comes out badly, but just to enjoy doing, even if the souffle drops or the cake slides off its layer.  My teen is great at DIY projects, mostly because she doesn’t care if it doesn’t turn out well.  It was just fun to try.  And sometimes the poor results are funnier than the good ones!

Being creative is a way to get in touch with our inner fun loving child. Build, paint, draw, make a sandcastle at the beach. Get dirty!  Nothing frees us up more than having sticky fingers or mud on your pant leg.  And find the beat, wherever you are.  Play Pandora while cooking, drum to the beat while driving, and find yourself an upbeat theme song.  Break the rules.  Every once in a while, go rogue.  Play a prank, get dinner out on a weeknight, or leave the Christmas lights up all year round, if you enjoy it.  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, being a bit rebellious reminds us that we can break free when we need to.

If all of these still feel like too much, then just smile.  Children smile 400 times a day, the average adult smiles just 15.  (Yes, someone counted this).  Smiling releases hormones and brain chemicals that make us feel better.  People respond to us and reach out to us when we smile.  And if you can’t find even that bit of good humor, find awe.  Take a moment to see the beautiful color of the leaves in the Fall or follow ants to their ant trail.  Noticing the birds and the cloud formations can bring a sense of peace and a childlike sense of wonder.  Because on those days when we can’t muster the energy to have a little fun, perhaps we can still find a little joy.

I tend to be a broadcast junky, listening to political talk shows, the news, and even, as my family will attest, some pretty annoying sports talk radio.  It’s almost like an addiction, getting my fix of updates and opinions that raise my blood pressure and get me worked up.  But as the season changes and I think ahead to winter, the thought of holiday music makes me smile.  For some reason the sound of holiday cheer, however corny or predictable, lifts my mood. So with this week’s post I’m going to review how good music can be for us, in hopes of motivating me to tap my foot instead of clench my fist as the election approaches.

There is a huge body of research to support the psychological benefits of listening to music.  It reduces stress, increasing the activity of neurotransmitters and hormones involved in relaxation.  It has proven to be as effective as an hour long massage!  Music alters brain wave activities, creating the wave patterns similar to people who are meditating.  It can lift your mood and relieve symptoms of depression. (Although, sorry to say, heavy metal fans, your type of music actually made people more distressed).  Listening to music, especially without lyrics, helped people focus and improved cognitive performance including memory.  Especially for people prone to freezing up during high stress situations, listening to upbeat music prior  improved their performance (athletic as well as intellectual).  And for those of us prone to road rage?  Turn that dial and sing along to your favorite tune.  Listening to music while driving both increased mood and decreased the incidences of road rage.

And if that hasn’t sold you, how about the health effects?  There is an even more established body of research on the many health benefits of music.  Music eases the intensity of perceived pain and improves outcomes in chronic pain treatment.  It has been used effectively to treat insomnia and improves the quality of sleep.  It helps people stay calm pre and post surgery.  Soothing music has proven to increase blood flow in blood vessels and promote healing.  (Shout out to my dear friend who plays her harp in the cardiac intensive care unit.  The hospital is so sure of its role in patient care, it actually pays her for her time there.)  Playing soft music during a meal slows people down and causes them to eat less and upbeat fast tempo music helps people run faster and increases stamina during a work out.

Ok, have I convinced you or myself yet?  Maybe this is a bit abstract.  I just need to remember how good it makes me feel to turn up the dial and belt it out while in the shower or driving in my car. Suddenly, I’m not thinking about the bills or the to do list.  Instead, I’m born to run, partying like it’s 1999, and feeling it’s a wonderful world.  I never feel as good as that after the evening news!  Like talk, music is cheap, but it’s also good for your heart as well as your soul.

I was attending religious services to observe the Jewish New Year and was struck by some commentary at the bottom of a page containing a prayer for peace.  It pointed out that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, is derived from a root word, slm, which actually means “whole” or “complete.”  The commentary went on to explain that this translation inferred a much more active meaning to the concept of peace.  Rather than being the absence of hostility or conflict, peace as wholeness involves an active process of coming together.

I loved this idea.  In order to create peace, the active sense of the word, it requires work.  Wholeness or completeness is only obtained by recognizing all voices and finding a resolution that incorporates both of the people or nations involved.  Peace as wholeness is not achieved by silencing a group or an opinion, rather true peace is created by incorporating needs and ideas. In this way, peace is inextricably linked to respect, fairness, and justice.  

I believe this is not only true for finding peace between peoples, but within ourselves.  Inner peace is a dynamic process, rarely achieved by cutting off your feelings or ideas or pretending you are a certain way only.  When we can open our tolerance to the full experiencing of our needs and fears, desires and dreads, we become more complete.  We have less anxiety and more self compassion.  We do not need to numb ourselves or uncontrollably act out what we attempt to deny.  We live more fully and authentically when we make peace between our own inner conflicts.

Peace obtained without wholeness rarely lasts.  Whenever I work with couples, the work doesn’t truly make progress until both partners feel heard and respected.  When one member feels overpowered or submits, the conflict will re-emerge in another form.  The same is true for inner peace.  Stuffing our anger or avoiding our pain only tends to reroute it.

So this holiday, as I say blessings for my loved ones and the country and world for true peace, I‘m thinking a little differently about it.  Rather than blessing them with it, I have to take more responsibility for it, offering more wholeness within my relationships and creating more completeness within my community.  And as our Presidential election approaches and with the country so divided, I will not only need to pray for peace, but reach out to the “other side” to create it.

Last year I attended an intensive training in the art of Motivational Interviewing, a technique proven to be very successful in working with “difficult populations,” such as people with addictions and/or trouble with the law.  Now, a year later, there is one phrase that has proven so valuable, it alone was worth the price of admission.  It is the reminder that when viewing our options to change, we can always “choose to do nothing.”

Huh?  Yes, doing nothing about your situation is indeed a choice.  And for a lot of people, when we reinforce to them in a non-judgmental way that doing nothing and staying just the way they are is an acceptable option, it reduces the fight against making a change.  Suddenly, the motivation to change stops coming from the outside, and a person has the opportunity to evaluate their own ambivalence.  If you are lecturing me about why I have to change my diet, human nature will make me want to eat more, just to maintain my sense of control and power.

If, however, after exploring why I may want to eat healthier and feeling the decision to make a change to live my own values is totally up to  me, I might actually give it a try.  In fact, what I have found for myself and in working with people making difficult changes is that after exploring their own very real reasons for wanting to change (not a partner or a doctor’s), when offered the choice of not yet doing anything to change, the option seems ridiculous:  “Why would I choose to do nothing?”

By acknowledging that not changing anything is a choice we make, the source of power comes back to us. It opens the door to a variety of options and actively engages with what we want and what we feel capable of doing.  It also tends to break the black and white thinking that tends to get in the way of change:  that we have to give up everything in order to be successful.  Maybe we don’t feel ready to stop drinking, but we do feel ready to read up on the health effects of drinking or attend one AA  meeting, just to check it out.  When we recognize that our behavior is totally our choice, we don’t have to stay stuck in order to prove we are in control.

Simply put, when it comes to change, if I know that I can choose to do nothing, I am more likely to choose to do something!

It’s easy to get frustrated when you think you’re fighting your genetics.  When it comes to things like weight issues, difficulty with alcohol, or even problems with a bad temper, you can look at your biological family and feel doomed to the patterns you observe around you.  But while we do inherit genetic predispositions to certain conditions, it is actually surprising to learn how much of ourselves is not predetermined by our DNA.  What creates family similarities can be influenced just as much as our biology as by the habits we “inherit” (learn without realizing it).  The good news is, habits, compared to genetics, can be much more easily changed.

In biological psychology, there are calculations regarding how much of a characteristic or disease is influenced by genetics.  Based on studies of families, particularly twin studies (identical twins raised together versus raised apart), a percentage of influence can be determined.  This is called the Heritability Factor.  Some traits, like eye color, have a high percentage, 98% in fact, meaning there is not a lot that will change our deep brown eyes.  Or our freckle count (91%).  But for most other traits or conditions, in looking at the list, it is quite interesting to see how much environment can have an effect.  Alcoholism and Obesity both have heritability estimates of 50%.  This means that while we may inherit a predisposition to these conditions, there is just as much we can do to avoid them.  Even height has only a 60% heritability, meaning our nutrition and life circumstances can determine our height.  (Did you know that when children are under a lot of stress, hormones that are released inhibit their growth?)  Tobacco dependence is also at 60%.   Surprising to me is that longevity (how long we live) has a heritability of only 26%!  That means the way we live and the choices we make have a huge influence over how long we’ll be around.

In looking at the environmental influences of these conditions, however, don’t be fooled to think that we don’t “inherit” some of these, as well.  In psychological terms, we very frequently inherit patterns of behaviors and ways of expressing ourselves.  Unconsciously we learn to eat the way our parents eat, develop attitudes and patterns of how we drink alcohol as our families did, and even express our anger in ways that were modeled to us.  In this way, while not “genetic,” we inherit tendencies that have a strong influence over our lives:  how we behave, how we handle stress, how we resolve (or don’t resolve) conflict.

Often, in working with people, psychotherapists will complete a genogram.  This is basically a map of who in their history married, divorced, experienced trauma such as abuse or domestic violence and had addiction or trouble with the law, etc..  It is often shocking to see what we refer to as the “intergenerational” patterns that emerge that seem to carry on as if inherited from one generation to the next.  In doing such a map, it brings clarity and awareness of the patterns that set us up for our lives.  This knowledge is truly empowering.   It offers us  a process of change, recognizing that we can be in charge of ourselves in ways that will change our destiny, and perhaps that of our children.

A lot has been learned about nutrition and well being since we were children.  Times have certainly changed, as have ideas, opportunities, and attitudes.  What your parents did may have been the the best thing at the time, but may not be right for you now.  So for whatever challenge you are working with, look at what you may have inherited both biologically, but also in terms of habits and attitudes.  What works, and what would you like to change?  You may have your father’s eyes and your mother’s freckles, but you don’t have to have their high blood pressure or smoking habit.

Most people love vacations, especially when you can travel.  It’s fun and refreshing to explore a new place and learn about the ways of other peoples and cultures.  Travel helps to give you perspective about how things could be different and can inspire you to make some changes when you experience new images, activities, and ideas.  But travel is expensive, so most of us don’t get to do it very often.  But I had an experience this past week that inspired me and is the source for this week’s post.

My daughter and I had some extra time before her appointment.  She noticed a Vietnamese grocery store and asked it we could go in.  Just stepping through the door our senses were surrounded by new sights and smells, as if we had been transported to another land.  We walked through the aisles listening to people laughing and conversing in a language foreign to us. We got to pick up and smell vegetables we were unfamiliar with and learn about them from the friendly people. We saw canned goods and bottles of sauces in refrigerators that were fun to try to pronounce and even purchased a few items to experiment with to create a new dish for dinner.  By the time we left to go to the doctor, we felt like we’d been somewhere exotic!

This mini trip got me thinking about other ways I could be more adventurous, right in my home town.   When I travel, I read about the location I am going to and plan how to see the things that might be unique or interesting to me.  Do I ever do that around me in my daily life? Why couldn’t I?  Really, being a tourist is a frame of mind. When I travel, I’m looking for things that are unique and seeking them out.  I have an open mind and a desire to challenge myself in seeing things from a different perspective or learn about something I am not so familiar with.

So I have been thinking about ways to change things up as I go about my usual days.  I have been keeping my eye open for local events, shops, or restaurants that would only take a bit of time, but could transport me far away.  There is a lot more around me than I had thought, but I hadn’t noticed it because I was in my routine.  I’ve even become a little more creative with my schedule, making time to meander somewhere a little new or working in a day trip to our schedule.  This past weekend we even spent  the night in a beautiful campground somewhere close by.  It’s nice to let go of my usual dichotomy – either on vacation or not.  With my tourist’s frame of mind, instead of just once a year, I can have a mini vacation whenever I need it.

Lately I have been awed by the magical quality of time.  It can both go so quickly and so slowly, simultaneously.  We’ve been planning for my daughter to attend college ever since she was born.  So why did it feel like her leaving came on so suddenly?  And my mother was diagnosed with a neurological disease over seven years ago.  Her decline has painfully progressed over those long years, and yet it frequently sems to take us by surprise to realize a strategy we’ve developed to accommodate her needs has suddenly stopped working.  

No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on time.  Whether you are busy or bored, feel happy or sad, things are going well or your life is challenging, time passes.  And with it, time carries both the power to heal and the power to scare us as we count down our passing days.  Time is one of the existential absolutes that we cannot control, yet with awareness we certainly can choose how we use our time and whether the changes that come will bring contentment or despair. We alone have the power to be more present in our lives and more mindful of the decsions we make that accumulate minute by minute, day by day, week by week, year by year,  making up our lifetime.

A man I worked with put it all in perspective for me in a way I found incredibly motivating.  He said, no matter if I drink or not, time is going to move forward.  So when he feels like having a cocktail, he imagines himself six months from now.  Will he be happy he had the drink or unhappy?  Will he have six months of continued abstinence or will he still be an alcoholic?

Think of yourself six months from now.  Time will certainly have ticked on by.  If you stick to your dietary plan, or your abstinence from alcohol or drugs, or your anger or stress management techniques, where will you be compared to if you do not?  The choice is yours.  The time is guaranteed to pass, so why not use it toward achieving your goal?  Either way you will suddenly find yourself six months older.  Might as well take advantage of the magical powers of time. Time plus effort will equal success.

Sometimes the decision to make a change comes when we reflect on how our actions have affected other people that we care about.  This relational awareness can be a potent motivation to change and provides personal accountability to our efforts. But as anybody who has received an apology can tell you, saying your sorry can be a powerfully healing or an empty gesture depending on the way it is handled (example, Ryan Lochte’s twitter apology).  This week’s post will explore the elements to help you repair a relationship when it’s important to do so.

One element of an effective apology is timing.  Often people make the mistake of apologizing too early.  In doing so, the offended person may feel you are trying to move on without giving the situation full respect.  Aaron Lazarus, a former dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School who wrote a book about apologizing, finds  an inverted “U” shape to the best timing for apologies.  If it happens too soon or too late, it misses the important step of allowing people to express themselves and feel heard.

Which brings us to the second element of an effective apology – focusing on the other person.  Research shows that people are more likely to feel an apology is sincere and that the person is truly going to change their behavior when they believe the person understands the true hurt caused by their behavior.  This focus on the offended person’s emotional state builds back the trust that has been damaged by a break in empathy.  In the book titled, After the Affair, author Dr. Janis Spring finds that couples are most likely to save their marriage when the hurt partner truly believes that the partner who has been unfaithful understands the layers of pain they have caused.

But apologies can backfire if they are used too often.  Overdoing apologies can make each individual apology seem less sincere.  Especially when it is regarding a similar behavior, the apology begins to look like an excuse for not actually making a change to avoid repeating the offense.  Or, apologizing too easily can come with a social cost.  Research shows women can actually undermine their authority by apologizing too frequently. (Refer to Amy Schumer’s hilarious skit about women over apologizing).

And finally, there is the all too common in public sphere’s “non-apology,” which recently made its debut in the Oxford Dictionary.  It refers to “a statement that takes the form of an apology but doesn’t sufficiently acknowledge regret or responsibility.”  Often these statements have the quality of you having just consulted your lawyer.  Such as,  “I am sorry if you are offended by anything I have written in this post.  I’m happy to help you understand the importance of why I wrote what I did.”

It helps to think of the word “sorry” as the beginning and not the end of a conversation.  If done with caring, apologizing can be a powerful opening to a deeper conversation.  But keep in mind,  it’s your being sorry, not just saying you’re sorry that counts.  

Our biggest wish for our children is that no matter what they choose to do that they will “be happy.”  Many clients coming to therapy tell me that they need to figure out what to do in order to “be happy.”  Even the music on the radio tells us not to worry, but to “be happy.”  There is so much focus on happiness, but how many of us have really thought through what happiness is and what it takes to get there?  Fortunately, the field of Positive Psychology developed with just this goal in mind.

My old Professor, Dr. Seligman, studied depression.  Then, based on feedback from his own family members regarding his grumpiness (and he was) he decided to study happiness.  It became the first time that traditional psychology shifted from studying pathology and what went wrong with people’s psyche to what could go right.  What made some people happier and more resilient than the rest of us?  After decades of analyzing questionnaires, Seligman and his group concluded that happiness could be divided into three dimensions.

The first level of happiness is The Pleasant Life.  This refers to the times we enjoy and savor the pleasures of life, such as a good meal, a new car, or the companionship of someone or being in nature.  These are basic pleasures that feel good.  The only problem with this type of happiness is that it is fleeting. We feel good for a while, but it ebbs and flows depending on the experience in the moment;  eventually the new car isn’t so new.

Next, then, is the Good Life level of happiness, which is felt at a deeper level and is more lasting.  This happiness is derived when we use our “unique virtues” to creatively enhance our lives.  The  six virtues he classified (which he breaks down into 24 signature strengths) are understood more like values as opposed to talents.  He and his colleagues derived them from extensive studies of many cultures and are valued not as means to an end, but in their own right.  They are: Wisdom and Knowledge (curiosity, love of learning, judgment, ingenuity, emotional intelligence, perspective) Courage (valor, perseverance, integrity), Love & Humanity (kindness, loving), Justice (citizenship, fairness, leadership), Temperance (self-control, prudence, humility),  and Transcendence (appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude, hope, spirituality, forgiveness, humor, zest).  Living in ways that are in line with and utilize your unique signature strengths creates lasting happiness, more akin to gratification than pleasure.  

The highest level, or the Meaningful Life, involves the development of your virtues and strengths in service of something bigger than yourself.  It involves connecting to community or culture in a way that brings about the deepest levels of satisfaction from your virtues.  So, for example, you may get great pleasure from looking at the stars.  If you are someone whose virtue is Wisdom and Knowledge, then studying the cosmos will bring you life satisfaction.  And if you can find a way to teach or contribute to the astronomical community, this may bring the highest level of gratification in a more transcendent way.

The thing about authentic happiness is that it isn’t easy.  It takes time and effort to cultivate, as opposed to eating a bowl of Hagen Daz (which is pretty pleasurable).  Anything meaningful is going to take work.  But the good news, research shows, is that authentic happiness can be learned.  We can cultivate it and teach ourselves to be happy.  So here’s a nice change of pace – focus your energy on your strengths instead of your weaknesses.  Use your signature strengths to compensate for your weaknesses, and in doing so you will be intrinsically more gratified and enjoy the process.  In other words, you will be happier!

**To identify your signature strengths, take the test!  Go to www.authentichappiness.com.  Then learn more about how to make yourself happier by aligning your life with your strengths.