Every January fitness centers and gyms see their membership numbers jump and the parking lots fill up.  While it’s wonderful that so many people feel energized and motivated with the opportunity for a fresh start in the New Year, it always makes me sad to know the statistic that the average person who signs up for a new gym membership will no longer be going in March.  So with this reality, how can we help our good intentions last and avoid wasting money and feeling guilty every time the gym membership automatic payment goes through?

It’s easy to be swept up in the appeal of a New Year.  It provides a clean slate and a fresh start.  Unfortunately, we also tend to be swept up in thinking that the new year will bring a new us.  I know for myself, I can easily get drawn into some magical thinking that just by declaring a new me with new behaviors, the deed will be done.  And it does work for the first week, and maybe if I’m lucky, the first month, which makes me think it’s all about my willpower.  But day by day, my true life settles in and I realize that my New Year still holds my old life, full of my old responsibilities and stresses and all the reasons that led to my overeating and skipping workouts and canceling my mammogram appointments, etc.  I get angry with myself and resigned that I just don’t have the willpower anymore and may never have enough to live as I would hope.

But research over the past few years has shown something important that may be a key to helping us sustain our effort.  It is not about willpower.  Willpower is not enough and can not sustain us through the realities of our stressful lives.  The best way to be effective in maintaining our change is not magical, not fresh, and not new.  The people who are most successful at making change are able to address the realities of their lives and rather than creating a new life, make a plan for how to incorporate change into their already existing one.  In general, this means small changes, day by day, step by step.  It also means assessing and planning each day for the next day’s challenges and being flexible to maintain our best effort given our limitations.

For example, a woman I know who has a busy job and kids decided she was going to lose weight by working out in the morning before her family got up and also do a low carb diet.  She was so excited about this as she had read about the quick weight loss that can be obtained by this combination.  And it “worked” for the first month, as she was so happy to report losing 5 pounds.  What  was also happening, however, was a lack of sleep and a lot of extra stress in cooking and shopping for her new diet, as she found she had to make several types of meals for her various family members.  By the end of the second month, she was more stressed, losing sleep in the morning from getting up so early, and staying up late to prepare several lunches and meals for the next day.  This effort wore her down, and by the end of the second month, she was “cheating” by eating out more often, and stressed by the money she was spending on extra meals.  She was also cranky and overslept some days, and then got injured because she tried to over exercise on the weekend to make up for the morning workouts she slept through.  The result was weight loss stagnation, a strained hamstring, along with  a lot of frustration and disappointment.

So good for us as we start the new year with some good intentions, but let’s also be real with ourselves about the old life we bring into the New Year.  Rather than thinking about being 15 pounds lighter and wearing the cute summer dress for the BBQ in July, just think about tomorrow.  What is your day really going to look like?  What does the week ahead hold in store?  How can you make a plan that will be reasonable and doable, with small changes that won’t lead to rebellion or defeat?

Rather than thinking in terms of a New Year, it is actually more effective to think of a new day.  What do you need to take care of you as best as possible for this day, finding balance and involving small efforts that you are likely to feel good about it?  And what will you enjoy?  If you don’t like going to the gym, don’t join one!  Just because there was a great deal, think about tomorrow:  Would you rather go to the gym or go for a walk with your best friend?  Because as the tomorrows pass by, if you enjoy the todays, you will be much more likely to be doing it in March, when all the gyms are empty!

At the stroke of midnight, after counting down and kissing loved ones, we sing Auld Lang Syne.  This old Scottish tune written by Robert Burns in 1788, is used in the tradition to bid farewell to the old year.  By extension, it is also sung at funerals and graduations and at the close of occasions, including Boy Scout jamborees, I just learned.  It poses the question of how we move forward and maintain relation to those we leave behind:  “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?”  New Years for many is a bittersweet time.  Especially for those of us who have lost someone dear to us, the marking of a new year naturally brings up sadness for those we leave behind.

Grief comes in waves.  There is no timetable to it and it surely is not a straight line of feeling better every day.  I can personally say that after 22 years of grieving for my sister, I have good days and bad, good years and bad ones.  But I can also say that, as other people assured me would happen, although the pain remains, I have learned to live with it.  In some ways the grief is like a familiar friend, a reminder of the connection I still have to this important relationship.  It can still be pretty darn painful, though, and there are surprising times when a memory, sound, or even a scent can bring me back as if it just happened yesterday,

Honoring your grief is vital.  Grief is not an illness that we need to avoid or be free of to be healthy.  It is a natural response that reflects the love and attachment that gives meaning to our lives. Close relationships help regulate our daily psychological and physical functioning.  The loss of them can leave us feeling less in control and disoriented.

Common to grief, even after many years, is exhaustion.  We often underestimate how we can physically manifest the complex emotions we have as we grieve.  We also tend to have difficulty thinking clearly.  Especially in the early stages of grief, making decisions and remembering even the simplest of things can be difficult.  Grief often is accompanied by feelings of loneliness and isolation.  The world can feel like it is moving on without us and our loved one.  We may have a lot of ambivalence about moving on, feeling that each step “forward” is a step away from the person who is no longer with us. We may feel pressure from the rest of the world to “move on.”

When someone we love dies, the loss is permanent and so is our grief.  We can find a new normal, however, that incorporates our feelings of loss and our desire to keep the memory of our loved one an active presence in the world.  There are many ways that people effectively do this, and finding a best way for your situation is important.  Going to a grief support group can be helpful.  It provides a place to talk about what you are feeling with other people who understand.  Developing rituals can also be tremendously helpful actions in coping. Although my sister’s grave site is across the country, I was able to dedicate a bench in her honor at a local park I love to visit.  On her birthday and other milestones, it helps to sit and chat with her.  For some people, making an altar or memorial scholarship provides a structure to their grief, or simply making a recipe or telling a special story, even if it’s been told many times before, can be helpful.  And of course, don’t  be afraid of tears.  It is a natural release and a way of externalizing the deep well of emotions that live within us.

Be self loving and take care.  Give yourself the time and space for grief without judgement.  Pushing grief aside has a way of backfiring and prolonging the feeling of helplessness.  Slow down and let yourself feel what is there.  As the old Scottish song recognizes, “We’ll take a cup of kindness, yet, for Auld Lang Syne”.

Congratulations, we made it!  This past week was the winter solstice, marking the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.  Technically, the solstice is a result of the earth’s tilt of 23.5 degrees on its vertical axis.  Due to this tilt, the Earth’s north and south do not receive equal amounts of sunlight as the Earth orbits around the sun.  The most direct sunlight shifts occur in the middle to higher latitudes, leading to what we experience as the change of seasons.  Discovered in early civilizations, the solstice is celebrated not only for the transition it represents, but for the emotional and even spiritual reaction it evokes.

The term “solstice” derives from the Latin word “solstitium”, meaning “sun standing still.”  On this day, the sun seems to stand still at the point of the Tropic of Capricorn, and then reverses its direction as it reaches its southernmost position as seen from the Earth.  This exact day has been marked with significance by many cultures.  Stonehenge, the prehistoric monument located in Wiltshire, is carefully aligned on a site-line for the solstice.  Archaeologists believe it was built from 3000 BC to 2000 BC.  People still gather at this site to mark the passing of the day and what would be the beginning of winter preparations.  In Ancient Rome, as far back as 217 BCE, the winter festival Saturnalia lasted for seven days during which banquets were held for the father of the gods, Saturn.  The Feast of Juul was a pre-Christian festival observed in Scandinavia.  People would light fires to symbolize the heat and light of the returning sun, and a Juul log (or Yule, yes that is where it comes from)  was brought in and dropped in the fire as a tribute to the Norse god Thor.  Iranians celebrate Yalda as the renewal of the sun and the victory of light over darkness. On the solstice, the sun was thought to be reborn, being saved from the claws of the devil, as seen as the darkness.  In Guatemala on this day, the ritual of Palo Volador, or the flying pole dance is completed.  Three men climb on the top of a 50 foot pole. One man plays a drum and flute while the other two men wind a rope attached to the pole around their foot.  They jump, and if they land on their feet, it is believed the sun god is pleased and the sun will triumph.

I feel a comfort in joining the generations of people celebrating the solstice.  I can almost feel a physical sense of relief as we arrive at the turning point and pivot to what feels like an awakening from winter slumber.  In the dark days I am tired, feeling that the world is closing down and I am along with it.  As the shift happens from the shortening to the lengthening of daylight, it reminds me that the return and renewal from darkness happens in small slow increments, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.   And that no matter how dark it seems to be, there will be, in good time,  a reliable and inevitable shift to returning brightness.  Every solstice I am reassured that our lives move in cycles and seasons.  There are dark times, but there will eventually be light.  It is also a comfort for me to realize that while it is the darkest and longest night for us right now, somewhere on the opposite side of our Earth it is the longest and brightest day of the year for others.  In the earth’s rotation, both the blessing of light and the burdens of darkness are shared;  we all have our times and our seasons.

I was at our local YMCA the other day, the gym where I attempt to work out, and was complaining with another member about the impending closure for refurbishing.  “Really?”  I lamented.  “Closed the week before Christmas, with all the parties and holiday eating?”  I was outraged, a sense of betrayal building.  “Yeah,” my partner in whining said,  “With all our family around, I guess they just expect us to sit home and stress eat all the holiday baking.”  We both suddenly burst out laughing, realizing the absurdity of our logic.  As if with this one bit of news every possible way to exercise and reduce our stress had been taken away from us.

This episode got me thinking about excuses.  How often do we find an excuse conveniently available for the taking?  When something goes wrong it’s so easy to dive into righteous indignation and victimhood.  How often do I take the easy way out, using a setback as a way to avoid what was difficult to do in the first place?

Excuses are choices, just like any other course of action.  But they can be subtle and so very appealing, as they don’t appear as a choice.  As the very wise old saying suggests, we can’t control what other people do, but we can control our reactions to it.  Yes, the Y being closed was a pain in the neck.  It made it so I have to make more of an effort to find a way to work out.  On the bright side, in doing so, I am giving it a lot more thought and attention.  I am considering my options and making a plan.  The truth is, if the Y was going to be open, there is no guarantee that in a dark, rainy, busy week, that I would make there.  Now, because of the closure, I made a definite commitment to working out.

So now I am on the lookout for excuses.  My hope is to be more aware of the times I give up without fight or find a rationalization for not doing what I know might take more effort or be temporarily uncomfortable, but will help me reach my goal.  It is in these small excuses, these real choices, that my progress will be measured.  So, if you’re free next week, join me and my Y mate for a jaunt around Spring Lake.  Just make sure you bring your flashlight.

I ‘ve been wondering a lot this week about self perception and its influence.  I was noticing how on any given day, depending on how I feel, my sense of myself can vary.  And because of it, I engage in the world somewhat differently. If I’m feeling good about myself, I’m more outgoing and engaged, more confident and willing.  On the not so good days, I’m more tentative, more likely to doubt myself and then hold back.  So how much does my behavior, based on my self perception, influence my reality in ways that will reinforce my belief?

Distortions in self perception are a common topic in my work with clients.  Many people internalize a view of themselves that is critical and downright cruel.  Their self judgments are so harsh, they can’t possibly think that they are lovable or deserving of compassion.  They compare themselves, seeing only the beautiful in others and the ugly in themselves.  Based on this evaluation, they hide out, choose less than ideal partners, or refrain from engaging in or initiating positive things.

One woman encouraged me to watch a video put out by Dove (ok, yes, it is marketing, but well worth it).  In the video, a police sketch artist is employed to show people the difference between how they describe themselves and how someone they have just met in the waiting area describes them.  The sketch artist never sees the person, only working from the two descriptions.  Then they put the drawings side by side, and the results are powerful.  Even more powerful is watching the participants look at the contrast of the two drawings and see how their own perception is much harsher, including “older” and “fatter.”

How would we be different if we saw ourselves without our negative filters or distortions?  What if we approached the world as if we were beautiful people, confident, and capable?  How would we behave differently?  Who would we talk to, what activities would we engage in, and how would our lives be different?  There is the old corny saying, “smile and the world smiles with you.”  But research shows this is true.  People who are comfortable with themselves invite people toward them with their demeanor and make other people feel liked and comfortable, too.

As I get older it’s definitely easier for me to be more consistent in my sense of self.  I have more years of experience, I suppose, in knowing who I am.  In addition, the stability in this phase of my life helps.  But whenever I try something new, meet new people in an important social setting, or take on new role or challenge, the insecurity seeps in.  When I start to worry more about what other people are thinking of me, the self judgments are prone to pop up.  That is the time I need to ask myself, how would I be different without these negative beliefs?  The challenge is then in letting them go, and being the person I would prefer to believe I am.

When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  Is it really you, or is it your judgments?  When you remember your performance in a meeting or a conversation, is it what really happened, or is a memory distorted by your fears?  Don’t believe everything you think.  It may be a bumper sticker (that’s where I saw this phrase), but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Check out the Dove Real Beauty video on you tube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Ok, there is a hilarious parody about men out there, now, too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo

The holiday season is full of festivity, but it also has its costs.   Feeling the loss of a loved one, financial burdens, or loneliness can be make you feel like the world is celebrating without you.  And even for the most party hardy, the extra food, travel, expenses, and busy scheduling can take a toll. Before the Thanksgiving turkey is even digested,  plans are being made for the next holiday- shopping lists, travel plans, social plans, and meal plans. So, as we count down to the New Year, along with your other lists and plans, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of a Wellness Plan.

This blog post is inspired by Nelson Robles, MSW, a kind and gentle man who works with me at my clinic running our Depression and Anxiety group.  As the seats are filling up this time of year, Nelson helps each person in the group to create a personalized Wellness Plan.  What the member’s find is that instead of feeling a victim to the season, by focusing on a plan of wellness, it empowers them to take proactive steps to navigate through. It helps each person identify their vulnerabilities and develop options that can serve as protective factors for the stresses they face.

There are many ways to make a Wellness Plan, but one of the simplest is the Bubble Method.  Take a blank piece of paper and draw about five medium size circles with room to write inside them.  Then begin to label each circle with an area of your life that may be of concern during the month ahead.  For example, circles might be labeled:  food, money, exercise, anger, and work. Try to narrow your choices down to the top priorities.  If you have too many circles, that alone will be stressful.  Then, begin to brainstorm some ideas for each of the categories of how you can take care of yourself in this area.  Wellness is the key.  The plan is not about fixing all your problems,  the goal is maintaining equanimity through a challenging period of time.  Now write your ideas in each of the five circles, using an action word in the positive.  For example, “I will eat protein for two meals a day” or “I will take a break from my house guests by taking a solo walk in the afternoon,”  instead of “I won’t eat too much,” or “I won’t let my brother make me angry.”.  

Try to come up with a few action plans for each area that you are concerned about.  Start by choosing one or two to implement and then build up as the month goes on.  Try to prioritize the items that will give you the most pleasure or relief.  For example, walking with your friend will give you social time, stress relief as well as exercise.  This Wellness Plan will not only be your guide and your source of inpiration, it will help you check in with yourself and maintain your attention on what tends to get dropped or forgotten in the hustle and bustle.  Don’t lose you in the midst of the season’s expectations.  Plan your well being, and be well with your plan.

I love Thanksgiving, not only for the food, family, and football, but for the corny part where we go around the table and ask each person to share what they are thankful for.  It always makes me feel good to hear people acknowledge and appreciate the gifts we might ordinarily take for granted and makes me more mindful of things I might overlook.  As positive psychology research shows, this exercise of thankfulness is one we should definitely do more than once a year.  It turns out, expressing gratitude is a powerful tool to improve our sense of well being and to decrease depression and anxiety.  This weeks post will explore the benefits of a gratitude list (made famous by Oprah, who else), but will also propose a challenge to kick your gratitude up a notch for maximum impact!

Our brains have been wired to scan the environment for potential threat.  Therefore, in this modern world, where threats seem to be a continuous experience (a facebook post where you see you were excluded or an e-mail from your boss) rather than a one time predator, we can spend most of our day piling on worrisome layers.  We then reinforce the neural loop pathways for negativity and this can lead to depression and anxiety that really affects our quality of life.  The antidote?  We need to train our brain to find the good, balancing our world view of danger.  The gratitude list is one such tool, highlighted in the work of positive psychologists looking for simple ways to increase life satisfaction and happiness.  As many of you know, by simply listing three to five things each day that you feel grateful for you can significantly make a difference in your mental health.

But do you want to really feel the gratitude?  Martin Seligman, in his research on positive psychology, had a gratitude task so powerful, the effects lasted for over a month! (Compare that to your after dinner cocktail or piece of pumpkin pie).  It is called the Gratitude Visit.  First start by thinking of someone in your life who made a real difference to you but whom you never had the time or perspective to thank.  It is best if this is someone who lives near enough to you so that you can visit them.  Then, write a letter, of at least 300 words, expressing what, in detail, they did specifically that made a difference in your life, and how this mattered to you.  Then call them up and ask if you can come by.  Don’t tell them why until you are there in person, and then read them the letter.  It is quite a powerful experience and will make you feel, oh, so good.  If you can’t visit, at least make a time to read it over the phone.  (Mail or e-mail is not as good, as it limits the connection and contact.)

Kent State Professor, Steve Toepfer, replicated Seligman’s findings.  He reports that his participants “experienced enhanced levels of life satisfaction and happiness, as well as decreased symptoms of depression.”  Not only did participants feel better about life in general, but they felt a much stronger sense of social connection and decreased isolation.

So as the holiday season rolls forward and the days get shorter, try a new holiday tradition that costs you little and brings you a lot.  Write a letter and share it with someone deserving.  Your good feeling should last you into the New Year!

***Note:  While today is Cyber Monday, don’t forget about GIVING TUESDAY.  It is a fairly new tradition and a global movement fueled by social media.  You can give of your time, money, or other donations.  Last year, 700,000 people from 70 countries donated $116,000,000 worldwide.  Please, check it out:   www.givingtuesday.org  or   #GivingTuesday

I have to be honest, like a lot of people, it’s been a very hard couple of weeks for me.  As I woke up the morning after the election, I couldn’t get a memory out of my head.  It was several years ago and I was standing in the first few rooms of Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Israel.  The walls were filled with articles and images of the early Nazi propaganda, blaming and scapegoating for the economic and social problems of Germany.  I kept thinking of the similarities with the slogans and chants and “ideas” of the current President elect, heart sick that our country would affirm him, let alone his ideas as “solutions” to our country’s problems.  At the same time this past week at the Health Center where I work, my patients were stressed and scared, worrying about a range of consequences from a family member being taken away to losing their health care in the middle of treatment, from the loss of their safety to the loss of their dignity.  The overall reality that our beloved country, which prides itself on freedom and human rights, could affirm such an attitude has made many of us collectively depressed.  So I have been thinking, feeling, and reading, and am writing this week’s post about what I can do to feel better.

I understand the fear and and anger that underlies the need to bully and scapegoat on an intimate level.  I worked as the Director of a domestic violence treatment program and I have sat with and talked for hours with people who abused their children or their partners.  I was able to find compassion for them when I saw the fear underneath the anger and the hurt and feelings of powerlessness that were so intolerable it led to aggressive behavior.  Most often, at some time and place, they were helpless victims, too, and never wanted to feel that powerless again.  Once they could understand this, blaming faded away, self awareness and compassion emerged and healing could actually begin.

In the short term it feels so much better to yell “build a wall”, shout “lock her up” and think that our lives would improve if we could claim our status as better and more powerful than someone else.  But in the long term it erodes our ability to love, to have connection, and to trust one another.  We project and reject our own vulnerability when we hate, blame, and scapegoat.  It never actually changes the reality of our situation, it only provides a false sense of power.  And it the long run, it breeds more hate and and fear as we worry that someone else may do the same to us.

Social scientists who have been exploring the effects of this election cycle have noted a significant erosion in social trust, which is our faith in humanity and the well being not just of yourself, but of everyone around you.  Moral distress does not respond to our usual stress reduction techniques (as many of us can attest) but requires a particular set of actions based in moral courage, moral elevation, and compassion.  One thing we need to watch out for is our feeling that because it is such a big problem, nothing we do will matter (the fancy term for this is “psuedoinsufficiency”).  You don’t have to do it all to matter. While our social problems are bigger than you, they also need you.  Moral courage involves believing in collective participation, and this means each of us doing something – write a letter, make a donation, sign a petition, any action helps.

Next, look for the good, also known as moral elevation.  When we witness acts of virtue we restore balance, promoting feelings of awe and gratitude.  When we look for the good, we actually can find it, even in the most uncommon of places.  Research shows this can actually reduce anxiety, loneliness, and increase social trust.  And if you feel up to it, simply by doing a small act of kindness, such as letting someone go ahead of you in line or asking if someone is all right if you see them stumble, you not only make yourself feel good, but it has a significant impact on other people’s sense of social trust.  Research shows that small gestures can have a very long and large impact in helping us feel safer and more connected to one another.

To those who did not vote for our President Elect, please don’t fall into helplessness.  Do things to counter the actions and expressions with which you disagree.  For those of you I have heard say, “I voted for Trump even though I don’t agree with what he says”, I implore you to hold to that.  Don’t be passive either. Hold him accountable for what you agree with and what you disagree with.  You need to act, too.  Let him know that you voted against Hillary (as many say) and not for racism and sexism and bigotry.  Our country needs us at this time of disconnection and fear. When we belittle and degrade, we hurt our collective good and erode the beauty and transcendence of our common humanity.  When we distrust, our physical and mental health suffer, and when we love, we are happier and healthier, not only as individuals, but as neighbors and citizens in these United States.

Do you have a big presentation, performance, or a difficult conversation coming up that is making you nervous?  I came across a quick method that research shows can actually help you feel more confident, and the crazy thing is, it only takes two minutes.  No, it’s not a drug or a drink, but it does quickly change your body’s chemistry, simply by altering how you are sitting or standing,

Researchers from Harvard University (so it must be true) the University of Washington, and the University of Oregon, and many other institutions have uncovered an interesting phenomenon about our hormones.  Higher levels of testosterone (in both men and women) lead to increased feelings of confidence, while lower levels of cortisol lead to decreased feelings of anxiety and an improved ability to deal with stress.  These hormones, it turns out, are particularly sensitive and fluctuate rapidly depending on your social, physical, and environmental circumstances.  One of the things that researchers found that can rapidly affect testosterone and cortisol levels is simply your body posture.  

Amy Cuddy, a researcher at Harvard, classified different body positions as either high power or low power poses.  High power poses were open and relaxed (wonder woman) and low power poses were guarded and closed up.  She measured testosterone and cortisol levels through saliva samples in research subjects before and after they took either the high power or low power pose for two minutes.  What she found was pretty remarkable.  The subjects holding the high power pose had an increase in testosterone of  20 percent and a decrease of cortisol of 25 percent.  The subjects in the low power poses had the exact opposite result, decreasing testosterone and increasing cortisol.  She put this further to the test by having subjects do either of the poses before or after a mock job interview.  Not only did the high power pose subjects feel more confident in the interview, but they were more likely to be selected as rated by the interviewers.

Behaviors and emotions are closely linked.  Notice that when we’re afraid, we tend to sit with our legs and/or arms crossed, hugging ourselves in a sense and pulling inward.  What this research suggests about body language is that we are reinforcing our fear by sitting in this closed position.  Just by standing up and opening up our posture we can influence our chemistry and our perceived sense of ourselves.  Notice that our most powerful leaders don’t merely think a certain way, but they carry themselves a certain way as well.

So, before your next challenging situation, take a moment, no sorry, actually two moments, to prepare yourself.  Put your hands on your hips, spread your legs apart, and keep your chin up.  Feel the power of the pose; take up space and expand your physical presence.  While you are at it, visualize yourself performing well and being relaxed throughout your challenge.  Bring your mind and your body together to boost your confidence, increase your stress tolerance, and be the best of you.

**For more information, check out Amy Cuddy’s 20 minute Ted Talk regarding her research on body language, hormone levels, and confidence.