Spring is in full bloom in Northern California.  In fact, the early blossoms have already dusted the lawns with white and pink petals, and daffodils have risen and crested in their splendor.  But now, what I notice most as I make my way up our hill is the blackened trees sprouting new growth in the first April after the wildfires. Their split presence catches my breath as I see the duality of trauma and recovery.

So many of the trees look like fused halves of a once mighty whole.  One side is the budding green hues of life returning, moist and supple.  The other half is the lifeless brown, dull, shriveled leaves, which cling to their branches as if to remind us all of what the tree still endures.  They speak to me, these survivors, as I witness their efforts to go on. There is no hiding the pain, the damage, the broken hallowed out limbs that split off and hang down.  The scarring is as permanent as the new growth is fresh. Their efforts inspire me, yet there is no guarantee. I hope there was enough rain this winter, I hope the roots have enough of a system within the trunks to spread the needed nutrients.  Each tree has its own struggle to survive and its own path to recovery. Many of our trees have already been severely trimmed or even dissected, returning to earth that will one day host a seed.

In Japan, Kintsukoroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixes with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.  The pottery, with its metallic striping, is considered to be stronger and more beautiful than it was before. Kintsukuroi is a way of living that embraces our flaws and imperfections. Every crack, every scar, every blemish is a part of the history that makes something even more valuable.

Our community is as cracked and split as the trees that scatter our hillsides or as a broken piece of pottery.  We share our stories, we shed tears, and we support one another in the process of regaining our strength and wholeness.  Like the trees, we have our deadened limbs, the memories of the life we will never have again as we once lived it. But we also have our regrowth; the green buds that seek to reach out to the sun and the air for survival.  In time, I do believe that we will come to see the split whole of each of us as stronger and more beautiful than we were before. Though imperfect, the cracks within us are our unique story of revival.

I had a relative who used to say, “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” This phrase always made me sad when I heard him say it, and to be honest, a little angry.  As a young person, I thought it was cynical and gave the message that we shouldn’t bother to try. As an adult, I see the protective factor that underlies this philosophy, and although many people may not say the exact phrase, I have come to see how people embrace this style of being in the world as a defense. So, in this weeks post, I am writing in support of disappointments with the hope if we can embrace them, or at least learn to tolerate them, we become freed up to also embrace our expectations.

It’s so common that we are afraid to tell people about our hopes or what we are striving for.  It’s as if there is shame in reaching for something that is beyond what we think is possible. We have such an emphasis on success in our culture, that it makes people feel ashamed or embarrassed to try for something and not make it.  I so often hear people say, “Oh I don’t want people to know I applied for that position, in case I don’t get it,” or “I don’t want people to know I am trying to quit smoking, because then I will look like such a loser if I slip.” What a lonely way to be in the world, and what a judgmental place as well!

Expectations are important to have for ourselves and for our relationships.  They set standards of what is appropriate and for what we would like to have happen.  Within ourselves, expectations help us set goals, and reach for what could be a better life.  Within relationships, expectations create boundaries for how we want to be treated and for what we find acceptable.  High expectations can lead to higher achievement and higher self esteem.

Where we get into trouble with expectations is when they are too rigid.  We need to have flexibility to tolerate not always reaching the mark. People will not always live up to our hopes for them, and we ourselves, will fall short.  Knowing how to handle this gives us strength to risk a dissapointment. Every disappointment involves a little bit of a grieving process. We have to mourn what we had hoped for, and accept the reality of what will not be.  

But this grieving process is like building up endurance.  The more we go through it, the better we become at it. The first time I sent in a writing piece, it felt like the world, or at least my world, was at stake.  To be rejected meant that I was a terrible writer, and that I would never have any success. But in learning to handle the rejection with perspective, I am learning to embrace disappointments as part of the journey of striving for something more.  Be sad, even shed a tear, then learn what you can, and move on.

“Expecting nothing, “ as my relative endorsed, seems to me now as the surest way to be disappointed.  For when it is all said and done, living without risk or heart break may actually lead to a very disappointing life in the long run.

A lot has been written about the benefits of identifying your values and sorting through which are most important to you.  Then, by matching your daily life to be more in line with these values, you are able to live a more fulfilled and authentically happy life.  And while I strongly agree with this process, and have written about it quite a few times myself in past posts, this week I have been thinking about how “living our values” can sometimes go wrong.

It happens on a fairly regular basis in sessions with passionate and loving people that I am working with. We are talking about their values, and, as is most often the case, how these values conflict, requiring us to sort through to clarify their priorities in a given situation. And while reflecting on competing values, there seems to be a value that stands out from the others.  It comes out in statements like, “I could never miss a day, because I must always be reliable” or “My son needs to do what I say, because respect is the most important thing to me.”  While seeming to be a value, there is a rigidity to these statements that often sends a red flag that these prioroties may not be as they seem.  They have an intensity to them and a quality of judgment that stands out, triggering strong emotions and reactivity. You can think of these values as “bully values,” ones that push around our other values and seem to limit our ability to see the benefits of compromise.

When I stop to explore the energy behind what I suspect may be a bully value, what we often find is a need, a fear, or a wounding of some kind that is playing out with moral authority.  The intensity or rigidity to the “value” is an attempt to control ourselves or our environment to protect us from some fear or pain.  For example, it might be a good idea to miss a day of work for your own well being.  But the fear of being lazy or letting others down may make it impossible for you to give yourself a day off, allowing a harsh self judgement to hide as the value of reliability.  Or it may serve your relationship with your son to allow him to vent frustration, but because you were severely criticized by your own father and never felt respected, you are triggered by this past dynamic and demand that he show you respect.  You may find yourself  spending too much energy “correcting” how your child speaks to you rather than nurturing understanding with him.

Self judgments can be the most powerful value bullies.  They have a way of eating at our self worth and setting up demands that create imbalance in our lives.  The bully within can do more to harm us than anyone around us.  So stand up to this bully and any other bully value that is pushing you and your other values around.  When you find yourself with any statement that has a “should” or a “never” or “always,” beware.  There just might be an old or fearful part of yourself that is after more than your lunch money!

Let’s be honest, there is a lot to be angry about. You can be angry at politicians, people who hurt you, the world, family, friends, strangers, co-workers, bosses, God, and even yourself.  Anger itself is not bad or wrong, but it often gets a bad wrap.  People confuse feelings of anger for how people display anger.  Distinguishing between destructive and constructive ways of expressing our anger is a really important skill in taking care of ourselves.

When used in a constructive way, anger can help you heal from trauma and loss, help you be honest with others, and to face pain you may need to deal with.  Anger is destructive when it is used to act out against yourself or others, to give up, or to become bitter. Learning to harness your anger and understand it can feel powerful.  We can harness the energy of anger to take action in the world in order to make things right.

The first important step in developing constructive anger habits is to think of anger as a messenger.  Behind all anger is an unmet need.  Anger is a signal that something is wrong.  It may mean you are not taking care of yourself, that you have sadness to work through, or that something is happening in a relationship or from an event that feels unfair or unjust.  Anger is often a signal of something not being right.  If we ignore it, it can build up, and then come out in a way that is an overreaction to what is actually happening in a moment or we can stuff it down and seethe, eating ourselves up or turning it against ourselves.

An old style view that still persists is that anger needs to be vented.  The solution to anger was to “get it out”.  Research has shown, however, that acts of venting or catharsis actually increased people’s anger, resolving nothing that mattered to change a situation.  People also confuse angry outbursts as effective because people respond to it.  You may get results in the short term when you yell and scream, and you may feel powerful in the moment, but in the longer term it tends to erode and weaken relationships when you are experienced as out of control.  People tend to do and say things they regret, which can never be undone.

Constructive anger can be learned, which is the good news.  The key is listening to your anger as a messenger.  This may mean learning to tolerate the discomfort of the feelings you have when you’re angry.  Rather than actively discharging them, it helps to try to understand your anger and what it is telling you is wrong.  Once you identify what is the source, or the unmet need, then you are really powerful.  You can choose what to do and say about what is happening.  In addition, you can think through another person’s perspective.  Destructive anger tends to be judgemental and selfish.  It is demanding that someone take care of us or put our needs first. Constructive anger recognizes that other people have a point of view, and that we need to clarify a misunderstanding or work through a solution in a mutual way.

I have had the honor of running Anger Management groups for men.  What really struck me was how powerless many of these people felt.  The anger outbursts were reactions to feeling hurt or threatened in some way, and a fight flight response was all that they knew.  It was a really rewarding process to help these men and many made profound changes.  The first step was the hardest, though.  First, they needed to give themselves permission to have needs and to learn how to identify what they were.  Once they were able to take this step, the next step was allowing themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for what they needed.  It was often so touching to see the results of this new skill:  “If you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need!”

Pardon me while I remove my dark ski mask, click off my flashlight, and pull off my gloves. I’ve just committed a robbery. For this week’s blog post I am stealing the concept and the term “The Long Now,” developed to refer to policy impacts, because I think when applied to my own personal life, it is a powerful phrase in how immediately it can change my perspective.

The term The Long Now was coined by Brian Eno after moving from England to New York.  He noticed that the here and now of Americans was much more immediate (this room, this five minutes), then what he was used to in England.  Mr. Eno became a founding member of the Long Now Foundation, established in 1996, based in San Francisco.  The aim of the Foundation is to provide a counterpoint to what it views as today’s “faster/cheaper” mindset and to promote “slower/better” thinking.  Members acknowledge the increasingly short attention span of our culture driven by the acceleration of technology, the short horizon of current market driven economics, the election cycle perspective of current politics, and the distractions of personal multi-tasking. According to the website, the Foundation sponsors speakers and debates and encourages dialog in hopes to “creatively foster responsibility in the framework of the next 10,000 years”.  The guidelines of Long Now thinking involve promoting responsibility and rewarding patience.

When I first heard the term (thanks Jennifer), The Long Now, I immediately loved it.  It resonated with me on many levels, without really knowing the Foundation’s goals and motivation (10,000 years!).  Just by saying it, the phrase has a magical way of pulling me out of the current moment by extending that moment into the future.  It is a simply elegant way of thinking about the future consequences of my current behavior by emphasizing the link between the two.  It reminds me of the small steps, little choices, that will add up to where I will be someday.  When I think about today’s choices in terms of my Long Now, I can picture myself in the future having been the beneficiary or the victim of an incremental set of choices and events.  It simply reminds me that, in time, the future will be the current now.  Now that is motivating for me to help keep me on track with my goals –  I can have this indulgence now, or think of my ultimate goal in my Long Now.

The Long Now also offers me a soothing thought:  whatever I am going through now, this “now” is not how it will always be.  I may worry about some of my child’s decisions, for example, but if I think in the Long Now, I can have the confidence of knowing she will mature and grow, and be just fine in the long now.

I also love that by engaging in Long Now thinking I am encouraged into a mature and wise perspective that promotes ways of thinking and acting that I know is good for me and is associated with success and happiness.  I am encouraged to delay immediate gratification and think of my responsibility to my children and my children’s children, offering a sense of connection and generativity.  Long Now thinking lends itself to our sense of being an agent in determining our collective future. If I think in the now, I plant flowers.  If I think in the Long Now, I also plant trees.

So pardon my theft of this lofty 10,000 year perspective and slipping it into my own back pocket.  But as an idea, it feels extremely valuable, and as a practice, it feels priceless!

Note:  You can visit the Long Now library and bar, called the Interval, in San Francisco’s Fort Mason Center.  Chat with others and contemplate time with the 10,000 year clock.  

So now we know that not only does curiosity not kill the cat, but in fact, it can make it more successful.  Especially if it is a passionate kitty, who can surf the internet and acquire vast amounts of information.

Ok, what the heck am I talking about?  I came across an article by the author and journalist Thomas Friedman that was motivating to me.  He posits that in our relatively new world of the internet, where vast information is so readily available,  personal interest more than IQ can determine success.  He believes that greater than our IQ, a combination of curiosity and passion drives us to explore subjects of interest and therefore become as knowledgeable as someone with exceptional intelligence.

This Curiosity Quotient is not a real formula and is not mathematical, but represents the idea of how a person driven by their interests can accomplish what we have thought of as only what certain gifted people can achieve.  The proposed formula is:

CQ + PQ > IQ

CQ is the “Curiosity Quotient” and PQ is a “Passion Quotient”.  These are both theoretical concepts that do not represent actual measurements, but traits that each person can possess in varying amounts.  His formula is his way to express the idea that in our new economy, people who are self motivated learners who have learned how to learn, may actually be most successful.  He states: “Give me the kid with a passion to learn and a curiosity to discover and I will take him or her over the less passionate kid with a huge IQ every day of the week.”  In other words, it is more important to be passionate and curious than merely smart.

Thinking of the internet as an unlimited university, open to anyone with a strong motivation to use it, is intriguing to me.  It goes along with the Growth Mindset I have written about in a previous blog post, that supports the idea that hard work rather than natural born talent is what determines success in the long run.  And to be honest, Passion and Curiosity sound a lot more fun than hard work!  Which in some ways, seems to be Mr. Friedman’s point – that if we are curious and enjoy learning, we will naturally work hard to take advantage of the vast amount of information available to us, which then leads to a mastery of what we are interested in.

So, not only does curiosity actually help the cat, but it just may help old dogs like me learn some new tricks!

Every January, gyms and weight loss centers are packed.  We all make New Year’s Resolutions about our health and happiness with the best of intentions.  What I’ve been thinking about this year, however, is something we tend to overlook in our goal setting, but is a key factor in our happiness – our relationships, especially our most intimate ones.  If we have a partner who we are generally happy with, we tend to take it for granted, and if we are unhappy, we can develop a helpless attitude that leads to a blaming mindset.  So in this week’s post, I invite us to do some thinking about our most intimate connection and explore some ways we can attend to our relationship health.

One of the biggest challenges in relationship is to love someone for who they are, and not who we want them to be.  Even when we are probably pushing for change out of love, as in seeing someone’s potential and wanting them to achieve it, this type of thinking can lead to an attitude of judgment.  Our loved one can feel criticized and it it can lead to insecurities that are painful.  In the long run, nagging or pressuring someone to change tends to backfire.  In truth, when someone feels loved and valued, they are most open to taking some risks and adopting new attitudes or behaviors.  Making sure we express the gratitude and love for someone just as they are is a worthy resolution.

Don’t forget to see the good.  Recognize that while you may have differences, there is much you share in common.  Just as we often overlook what is habitual, we tend to overlook all the ways in which our relationship is working and the core values that hold people together.  Making a conscious effort to affirm what is good and what you respect about your partner is a helpful balance to the nagging frustrations of day to day life.  Remembering that your husband is a spiritual person with good intentions may be important to you, even if he does not practice the same rituals or religion you do.  Or maybe your husband doesn’t love to watch football the way you do, but he is an athletically minded person who likes to hike with you.  Our attitudes are often shaped by what we focus on.  As a gift to yourself, resolve to focus on what is positive in your relationship.

And finally, in thinking about how to support our relationships in the New Year, be your partner’s trusted ally.  The world is full critics, at work, at school, maybe even by other family members or friends. While you may not agree with everything your partner says or does, be sure to be the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt.   Make sure you are respecting your partner to other people.  You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior, but rather than throwing them under the bus, do what you can to make them look good or respect their difference of opinion.  It builds intimacy in a relationship when you know someone has your back.

So starting this New Year, put some thought into some relationship bad habits that need attending to, just as much as a mindful reset of your eating or drinking habits.  Avoid the traps of whining and complaining, or siding with someone else, such as your child, in order to be the hero.  These are cheap ways to make ourselves feel good in the moment.  In the long run, relationship health has a big impact on overall life satisfaction.  It’s truly worth the time to institute some healthy relationship habits in this fresh start to the year.

This being December 25th, many of you woke up early and have already opened some pretty sweet gifts.  In the spirit of giving, I can’t help but share with you some recent research I read that really got my attention.  It offers you a simple way to change your behavior to give you a longer life, less risk of cancer, better mental health, and a lower risk of dementia.  This simple behavior change costs you nothing, but will give you so much.  I was so affected by this research, as a gift to me this holiday, I ask that you please read this week’s blog and consider the information for yourself.

In my work, when people come to see me and I ask them about their sleep, they are often embarrassed and think something is wrong because they need 8 or 9 hours of sleep (but of course rarely get that much).  They wonder if they have a sleep disorder or if they are depressed because they seem to need more sleep than other people.  No, I say, eight hours is the normal amount of sleep everyone should be getting, but as they are finding, is so hard to do.

In his new book, Why We Sleep, author and University of Berkeley neuroscientist Matthew Walker writes about what he considers a national crisis of sleep deprivation.  We as a modern culture pride ourselves in needing less sleep, in doing more with our time, and react as if needing sleep is a weakness.  According to Walker, in 1942 less than 8% of the population was trying to get by on 6 hours of sleep or less.  In 2017, nearly 50% of people do.  He believes the shift has to do with having access to light throughout the night, and stimulation, especially from phones, computers, and televisions.  In addition, the borders around work have diminished in addition to longer commute times.  No one wants to give up family or fun time, so we give up sleep instead.  (I know so many women who tell me that the only “alone’ time they get is after everyone else is asleep.)  And we are a more anxious society, that has higher rates of depression and loneliness, to which we use alcohol and caffeine to compensate.  

So here is some of Walker’s findings that might put you to bed.  After just one night of four or five hours of sleep, your natural killer cells, the ones that attack cancer cells that appear in your body every day, drop by 70%.  This is why a lack of sleep is linked to cancer of the bowel, prostate, and breast.  In fact, more than 20 large scale epidemiological studies all report a clear relationship that the shorter you sleep, the shorter you will live. For example, one study shows that with less than 6 hours of sleep a night, adults age 45 years or older are 200% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke in their lifetime compared with people who get seven or eight hours.  (Part of the reason has to do with blood pressure.  Just one night of modest sleep will speed the rate of a person’s heart, hour upon hour, and increase blood pressure).  A lack of sleep also interrupts your body’s control of blood sugar.  The cells of sleep deprived individuals appear to become less responsive to insulin and thus cause a pre-diabetic state of hyperglycemia.  This, together with the fact that inadequate sleep decreases the level of the satiety signalling hormone leptin and increases levels of hunger, both cause weight gain.  Tiredness also affects motivation; most often to exercise, eat healthy, and avoid other not so good for us substances.

Sleep has a powerful effect on the immune system.  We restore and repair our body when we sleep, and a chronic lack of it not only wears down our body, but chronically undermines its restoration and repair.  When you are ill, your body seeks sleep in order to fight off the disease.  Recent research shows that in deep sleep, our brains actually clean themselves of amyloid deposits, the toxic protein linked to dementia.  And overall, sleep increases our ability  to learn.  Dreaming states are actually linked to creativity and deep sleep seems to be when our minds process memories.

So what is a tired person to do?  Walker recommends setting an alarm that tells you when to go to sleep.  Just as we set an alarm to wake, we should set one to go to bed.  He also recommends trying to stick to the same schedule as close as possible every night.  Our bodies become very sensitive to sleep patterns, sending out signals when sleep time is approaching.  Pulling late nights, or the worst of all, all nighters, throws your body chemistry completely off.  In response, our bodies send out all kinds of hormonal and neurological messages that something needs to be attended to (the fight flight response) which can create great stress on our body and our psyche.  Walker is so alarmed by the population trends of sleep loss, that he goes so far as recommending sweeping changes in work site norms and home life culture.  He would love to see pubic health or workplace billboards that advocates nothing more than sleep.  He truly believes that we need to shift our priorities and actually incentivize sleep.

So tonight when you go to bed, and its lights out, really make sure the lights are out.  It will be so tempting to try your latest gadget or catch up on Christmas day facebook posts.  Darken your room, keep it cool and comfortable, and close your eyes.  Rest is great medicine for all that ails you.  Think of poor Santa.  If he only  got more sleep, he just might be able to fit through more chimneys!

Ok, I couldn’t resist:

Say what, you may ask?  After all of these blog posts encouraging tolerance and being open minded to other and to all parts of yourself, you are writing to encourage us to make enemies?  Especially now, during hte holiday season?  Well, actually, yes.  Based on research I recently read about how we tend to thrive when we have a nemesis, I hereby not only approve, but encourage you to make an enemy, use it to help you improve, and have some fun with it!

In order to make progress in any goal, you have to make some changes.  And change, if meaningful, creates enemies – either within you or around you.  Change creates discomfort, and with it, there will be a natural push back to keep the status quo.  These enemies of change can be simply our own inner critic with words of self doubt,  a cigarette pack on the store shelf when you are trying to quit, or a tv commercial  luring you to snack on sweets.  

Research shows, and we know from our own experience, that we are very responsive to a good rivalry – your team versus the other, your party versus the opposition party, etc.  Besides the sense of belonging we crave as a tribal people, rivalry defines us.  When we choose a rival, we clarify the distinctions between us and we more clearly define ourselves.  Having a rival also pushes us to improve and to stick to our goals.  Would we have made it to the moon without the space race?  Would here be a Muhammed Ali without a Joe Frasier?  A rival can keep you focused on your improvements and drive you to maximize your potential.  

So in thinking about any goal or change, I am sure you can think of a few potential enemies that will no doubt get in the way.  If you are trying to write or complete a project, procrastination may be your enemy.  If you are trying to eat healthier, the donuts that your co-worker brings in every Friday may set you back.  Or, as many of us find, our own inner critic may be our worst enemy, with self hating statements that eat away at our confidence.  By identifying these threats to our goal as our rival, we create a distance from them.  And when we are tempted by them, we can identify their tricky lure as a way to get one over on us!  (I had someone in my quit smoking class that thought of cigarettes as the devil.  Each time he had a craving, he told himself that he was “no longer going to dance with that devil.”)

So, procrastination, I see you in that newspaper longing for me to leave the computer and read you!  And donut, looking so full of yummy frosting, you will not beat out my morning healthy routine.  And the shame I feel in mixing up a meeting time, beware.  I will not let you get the best of me this time, and not let you take over my self confidence today.  I am strong and I can do battle against my enemies of temptation and old patterns!  I am a healthier habit warrior!  Care to join my team?  I  bet we can have some pretty cool uniforms!

Like many people, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday:  great food, togetherness, and very little commercialism. I also really love a holiday in which we take the time to think of all we have to be thankful for.  Most of us know by now the many psychological and health benefits of expressing and cultivating gratitude (the famous gratitude list in which each night you write down things you are grateful for really does decrease depression and increase positive feelings) from the field of positive psychology.  But I am thinking bigger about being thankful this year.  I feel the urge not only be thankful, but to truly give thanks.  Showing people that I appreciate them is such an easy thing to do, makes people feel so good, and yet, most all of us don’t do it as often as we could.

First I can start with just noticing things and saying words of thanks.  Over time I fall into routines with people, especially with my family.  I learn to expect certain things as part of our day to day living and the give and take of family life.  I could go out of my way to really say thanks and notice the little things that people do because of the bonds we have with one another.  I can see my husband’s hauling the trash down our hill as more than just a chore, but as a way that he shows us our family matters to him.  I can truly recognize how grateful I am to my friend who meets me each week to hike, even when it makes it hard on her schedule for us to go together.  

Another thing I can do to give thanks is to do something to be helpful.  I could appreciate being cooked for by doing dishes, or express my thanks to a neighbor by pulling in their trash cans.  I remember years ago, in our old house, our neighbor across the street mowed our lawn for us, without saying anything, just because he knew we did it every Sunday.  Sometimes those unexpected encounters, where we show someone we notice them by doing something to help them, makes us all feel more connected.   

And how about just listening?   We all underestimate how hard it is, but know how amazing it feels, to have someone just listen.   I am so quick to interrupt, give advice, or check my phone while someone is talking, without even realizing it.    Time and attention literally cost me nothing, and yet, they are the most precious commodities.  So many misunderstandings happen because people are so concerned with being heard, that they can’t really listen.  

So this year as Thanksgiving passes, I want to make sure my good intentions last longer than the five pounds I’ve gained.  I want to go beyond the words of gratitude I shared around the table before the meal (and before the NY Giants got beaten) and put my words into action.  It literally takes so little to make someone else feel so big.

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