At work recently, we were asked to take the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator in order to explore how our leadership team interacts.  It had been a LONG time since I had taken the Myers Briggs, and I was surprised to learn that my profile had changed with time (I am now a “Defender”, an ISFJ).  It was fun to compare our profiles and make sense of how our areas of strength and vulnerabilities intersected. I was so taken by the process that I encouraged my family members to also take it.  We had some good laughs in reading our profile descriptions (a bit like horoscopes), but in fact, it helped to illuminate some of our areas of misunderstanding in a way that was non-judgmental and clarifying.  So in this weeks post, I thought I would share the link for you to take the Myers Briggs (MBTI) for free and print out your own profile, along with some background about it. I hope it will give you some self knowledge and a way to communicate more compassionately with people close to you.

The link for the test and your profile is:

16Personalities: Free personality test, type descriptions, relationship …

16personalities.com

The MBTI was constructed by Katherine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers.  It is based on ideas of personality developed by Carl Jung. It was first published in 1962, but has been updated and used in much research since that time.  It is often used in business as a way to analyze and enhance team development. It is a simple self report measure that does not measure aptitude or ability, but instead captures our preferences in how we perceive and make judgments about our world.  In scoring the MBTI, it gives you a profile based on four pairs of preferences, or dichotomies.

The four dichotomies are:

Preferred World:  Do you prefer to focus on the outer world (Extroversion) or on your own inner world (introversion)?

Information:  Do you prefer to focus on basic information you take in (Sensing) or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning (Intuition)?

Decisions:  When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency (Thinking) or first look at the people and special circumstances (Feeling).

Structure:  In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided (Judging) or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options (Perceiving)?

Based on the four preferences for each  category, you have your own personality type which is expressed as a code with four letters.  The creators explain that each of the 16 personality types is more than the sum of the parts and represents a unique way of being in the world.  Based on your preferences, you can see how certain relationships may run into misunderstandings.  For example, a person with a Commander personality profile, ENTJ, tends to focus on getting things done and naturally tends to lead.  They also tend to be a little insensitive to others along the way to their goal.  This may clash with an Advocate type, INFJ, who is extremely valuable to the team in facilitating team work, but tends to take things a little personally.  By understanding these as personality tendencies rather than taking things personally with one another,  these two co-workers can be mindful of how they interact and work more comfortably together.

So, go ahead, take the Inventory, it’s worth the 20 minutes.  Then, see how you compare to your loved ones!

Many of us have trouble saying “no”, but how about “yes”?  I recently came to realize that this can be as difficult and as important in living a meaningful life.  As I write this, I am happy to report that I am sitting at the airport headed for an adventure that might not have happened.  It took finally saying “yes” and realizing it can make the difference between living in a mindset of deprivation or abundance.

My husband travels a lot for work and for years has been encouraging me to join him on one of his trade show trips.  My first instinct was always a “no” as the idea came with the stress of it being too expensive, taking too much time, or missing out on something I needed to be home for.  But somehow this year when he mentioned he had an extended trip and invited me to join him for his weekend of open days between shows, I countered my immediate “no” reaction with a different idea – maybe!  And the fact is, when I googled flights and travel dates (ok, a big tip, flying to or from Salt Lake City on a Sunday is cheap!), it actually was quite reasonable! And now with a few computer clicks, a few arrangements to cover obligations, and the blessing of my daughter willing to spend time with friends, I am headed to Arches National Park, where I have always wanted to go!!

This got me thinking about my deprivation attitude.  I hadn’t even realized the extent of my tendency to think things are not possible and to live in the realm of fears rather than possibility.  It got me admitting to what I miss living with my head down rather than my eyes up. My immediate reaction seems to be tending to the practical, the “have tos” and the routine.  It is a defensive way of living, I must say. Everything outside of what I think is the norm is viewed with skeptical nay saying and a pit in my stomach for the stress it may cause.  But in finally saying yes to this trip, the potential pit in my stomach is now actually butterflies of excitement.

We certainly can’t always say yes, as we do live in a world of responsibilities and accountability.  But I do see how good people over time, especially, can be trapped by the fears of deviating from what is planned or expected.  My brother in law, Dan, is an Improv performer. He told me that a basic principle which makes for a good performance is “always accept an offer.”   In this way, the flow of ideas isn’t interrupted and the layers of spontaneity lead to creativity and joyous surprises.

In the real world of my life, with financial stress and an intense work schedule, the fact is I cannot accept all offers, as is true for most people.  But I can be more open to considering all offers and not living in defensive reactivity. And this can apply to many things that don’t involve spending money or gaining weight. It can be a deviation in my drive home to watch the sunset, or coffee with someone who I’ve always shared an interest with. The point for me is to think yes, first, rather than no.  Look into it, assume it is possible rather than impossible, and be open to new experiences. It does indeed involve a little rearranging and uncertainty, but the end result will be a morning hike in Moab with the man I love.

I must confess that after visiting my mother this past week in Virginia, I’ve been engaging in a bit of emotional eating. Although my brother is doing a great job taking over her care since she moved in with him after our wildfires, my mother continues to decline from her progressive neurological disease. The bittersweetness of seeing her turned into a complete craving for sweets, which rolled into a full week of self indulgent indulging. I, like so many people I hear from, was trapped in a downward spiral: eating something unhealthy, berating myself for doing it, only leading to more indulgence. Such a common trap, I know, but why do we do this to ourselves? After complaining about myself to my daughter, she pointed me in the direction of a study she had recently read that made a lot of sense to me and offered the potential for some change (thanks Sierra).

Researchers at Duke University investigated an intervention to the “go big or go home” syndrome of indulgence. Once we overeat or have something we think we shouldn’t, we figure the gate is open and let the whole herd through. We react to the stress of overeating by eating even more. Researchers focused on the negative self thoughts that occur in people who tend to further indulge, and found that having a little more self compassion could prevent the downward spiral. In one study, they had participants eat a donut followed by candy. Between the two treats, researchers reassured half the participants that everyone eats unhealthy form time to time, while the other half received no such encouragement. When it came time for the candy, the half of participants who were encouraged to be self-compassionate actually exercised more self control over their subsequent eating habits. With self kindness, the stress of negative self judgment was reduced, allowing them to make healthier choices. Self compassion keeps small indulgences in perspective.

The Duke researchers went on to complete a series of experiments related to self compassion. In each case, those who scored higher on a scale of self compassion reacted in ways that suggested self compassion was a significant buffer to negative emotions that influenced people to underestimate their coping or performance. Their conclusion, “In general, these studies suggest that self compassion attenuates people’s reactions to negative events in ways that are beneficial…Self compassion leads people to acknowledge their role in negative events without feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions.”

I appreciate the conclusion of these researchers in recognizing that self compassion was not a way of sugarcoating (pardon the pun) overeating or letting go of self accountability. I often hear people (and I do it to) fear and confuse self compassion as an excuse or blind permission that would lead to being out of control. Instead, self compassion served a role of keeping people’s reactions in perspective, actually increasing their ability to exercise choice. So the next time I find myself with a fork in the pie tin (just might be tonight), I’m going to give self compassion a little try! Paradoxically, allowing myself a little slice just may keep me from eating the rest of the pie.

Spring is in full bloom in Northern California.  In fact, the early blossoms have already dusted the lawns with white and pink petals, and daffodils have risen and crested in their splendor.  But now, what I notice most as I make my way up our hill is the blackened trees sprouting new growth in the first April after the wildfires. Their split presence catches my breath as I see the duality of trauma and recovery.

So many of the trees look like fused halves of a once mighty whole.  One side is the budding green hues of life returning, moist and supple.  The other half is the lifeless brown, dull, shriveled leaves, which cling to their branches as if to remind us all of what the tree still endures.  They speak to me, these survivors, as I witness their efforts to go on. There is no hiding the pain, the damage, the broken hallowed out limbs that split off and hang down.  The scarring is as permanent as the new growth is fresh. Their efforts inspire me, yet there is no guarantee. I hope there was enough rain this winter, I hope the roots have enough of a system within the trunks to spread the needed nutrients.  Each tree has its own struggle to survive and its own path to recovery. Many of our trees have already been severely trimmed or even dissected, returning to earth that will one day host a seed.

In Japan, Kintsukoroi is the art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixes with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.  The pottery, with its metallic striping, is considered to be stronger and more beautiful than it was before. Kintsukuroi is a way of living that embraces our flaws and imperfections. Every crack, every scar, every blemish is a part of the history that makes something even more valuable.

Our community is as cracked and split as the trees that scatter our hillsides or as a broken piece of pottery.  We share our stories, we shed tears, and we support one another in the process of regaining our strength and wholeness.  Like the trees, we have our deadened limbs, the memories of the life we will never have again as we once lived it. But we also have our regrowth; the green buds that seek to reach out to the sun and the air for survival.  In time, I do believe that we will come to see the split whole of each of us as stronger and more beautiful than we were before. Though imperfect, the cracks within us are our unique story of revival.

I had a relative who used to say, “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” This phrase always made me sad when I heard him say it, and to be honest, a little angry.  As a young person, I thought it was cynical and gave the message that we shouldn’t bother to try. As an adult, I see the protective factor that underlies this philosophy, and although many people may not say the exact phrase, I have come to see how people embrace this style of being in the world as a defense. So, in this weeks post, I am writing in support of disappointments with the hope if we can embrace them, or at least learn to tolerate them, we become freed up to also embrace our expectations.

It’s so common that we are afraid to tell people about our hopes or what we are striving for.  It’s as if there is shame in reaching for something that is beyond what we think is possible. We have such an emphasis on success in our culture, that it makes people feel ashamed or embarrassed to try for something and not make it.  I so often hear people say, “Oh I don’t want people to know I applied for that position, in case I don’t get it,” or “I don’t want people to know I am trying to quit smoking, because then I will look like such a loser if I slip.” What a lonely way to be in the world, and what a judgmental place as well!

Expectations are important to have for ourselves and for our relationships.  They set standards of what is appropriate and for what we would like to have happen.  Within ourselves, expectations help us set goals, and reach for what could be a better life.  Within relationships, expectations create boundaries for how we want to be treated and for what we find acceptable.  High expectations can lead to higher achievement and higher self esteem.

Where we get into trouble with expectations is when they are too rigid.  We need to have flexibility to tolerate not always reaching the mark. People will not always live up to our hopes for them, and we ourselves, will fall short.  Knowing how to handle this gives us strength to risk a dissapointment. Every disappointment involves a little bit of a grieving process. We have to mourn what we had hoped for, and accept the reality of what will not be.  

But this grieving process is like building up endurance.  The more we go through it, the better we become at it. The first time I sent in a writing piece, it felt like the world, or at least my world, was at stake.  To be rejected meant that I was a terrible writer, and that I would never have any success. But in learning to handle the rejection with perspective, I am learning to embrace disappointments as part of the journey of striving for something more.  Be sad, even shed a tear, then learn what you can, and move on.

“Expecting nothing, “ as my relative endorsed, seems to me now as the surest way to be disappointed.  For when it is all said and done, living without risk or heart break may actually lead to a very disappointing life in the long run.

A lot has been written about the benefits of identifying your values and sorting through which are most important to you.  Then, by matching your daily life to be more in line with these values, you are able to live a more fulfilled and authentically happy life.  And while I strongly agree with this process, and have written about it quite a few times myself in past posts, this week I have been thinking about how “living our values” can sometimes go wrong.

It happens on a fairly regular basis in sessions with passionate and loving people that I am working with. We are talking about their values, and, as is most often the case, how these values conflict, requiring us to sort through to clarify their priorities in a given situation. And while reflecting on competing values, there seems to be a value that stands out from the others.  It comes out in statements like, “I could never miss a day, because I must always be reliable” or “My son needs to do what I say, because respect is the most important thing to me.”  While seeming to be a value, there is a rigidity to these statements that often sends a red flag that these prioroties may not be as they seem.  They have an intensity to them and a quality of judgment that stands out, triggering strong emotions and reactivity. You can think of these values as “bully values,” ones that push around our other values and seem to limit our ability to see the benefits of compromise.

When I stop to explore the energy behind what I suspect may be a bully value, what we often find is a need, a fear, or a wounding of some kind that is playing out with moral authority.  The intensity or rigidity to the “value” is an attempt to control ourselves or our environment to protect us from some fear or pain.  For example, it might be a good idea to miss a day of work for your own well being.  But the fear of being lazy or letting others down may make it impossible for you to give yourself a day off, allowing a harsh self judgement to hide as the value of reliability.  Or it may serve your relationship with your son to allow him to vent frustration, but because you were severely criticized by your own father and never felt respected, you are triggered by this past dynamic and demand that he show you respect.  You may find yourself  spending too much energy “correcting” how your child speaks to you rather than nurturing understanding with him.

Self judgments can be the most powerful value bullies.  They have a way of eating at our self worth and setting up demands that create imbalance in our lives.  The bully within can do more to harm us than anyone around us.  So stand up to this bully and any other bully value that is pushing you and your other values around.  When you find yourself with any statement that has a “should” or a “never” or “always,” beware.  There just might be an old or fearful part of yourself that is after more than your lunch money!

Let’s be honest, there is a lot to be angry about. You can be angry at politicians, people who hurt you, the world, family, friends, strangers, co-workers, bosses, God, and even yourself.  Anger itself is not bad or wrong, but it often gets a bad wrap.  People confuse feelings of anger for how people display anger.  Distinguishing between destructive and constructive ways of expressing our anger is a really important skill in taking care of ourselves.

When used in a constructive way, anger can help you heal from trauma and loss, help you be honest with others, and to face pain you may need to deal with.  Anger is destructive when it is used to act out against yourself or others, to give up, or to become bitter. Learning to harness your anger and understand it can feel powerful.  We can harness the energy of anger to take action in the world in order to make things right.

The first important step in developing constructive anger habits is to think of anger as a messenger.  Behind all anger is an unmet need.  Anger is a signal that something is wrong.  It may mean you are not taking care of yourself, that you have sadness to work through, or that something is happening in a relationship or from an event that feels unfair or unjust.  Anger is often a signal of something not being right.  If we ignore it, it can build up, and then come out in a way that is an overreaction to what is actually happening in a moment or we can stuff it down and seethe, eating ourselves up or turning it against ourselves.

An old style view that still persists is that anger needs to be vented.  The solution to anger was to “get it out”.  Research has shown, however, that acts of venting or catharsis actually increased people’s anger, resolving nothing that mattered to change a situation.  People also confuse angry outbursts as effective because people respond to it.  You may get results in the short term when you yell and scream, and you may feel powerful in the moment, but in the longer term it tends to erode and weaken relationships when you are experienced as out of control.  People tend to do and say things they regret, which can never be undone.

Constructive anger can be learned, which is the good news.  The key is listening to your anger as a messenger.  This may mean learning to tolerate the discomfort of the feelings you have when you’re angry.  Rather than actively discharging them, it helps to try to understand your anger and what it is telling you is wrong.  Once you identify what is the source, or the unmet need, then you are really powerful.  You can choose what to do and say about what is happening.  In addition, you can think through another person’s perspective.  Destructive anger tends to be judgemental and selfish.  It is demanding that someone take care of us or put our needs first. Constructive anger recognizes that other people have a point of view, and that we need to clarify a misunderstanding or work through a solution in a mutual way.

I have had the honor of running Anger Management groups for men.  What really struck me was how powerless many of these people felt.  The anger outbursts were reactions to feeling hurt or threatened in some way, and a fight flight response was all that they knew.  It was a really rewarding process to help these men and many made profound changes.  The first step was the hardest, though.  First, they needed to give themselves permission to have needs and to learn how to identify what they were.  Once they were able to take this step, the next step was allowing themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for what they needed.  It was often so touching to see the results of this new skill:  “If you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need!”

Pardon me while I remove my dark ski mask, click off my flashlight, and pull off my gloves. I’ve just committed a robbery. For this week’s blog post I am stealing the concept and the term “The Long Now,” developed to refer to policy impacts, because I think when applied to my own personal life, it is a powerful phrase in how immediately it can change my perspective.

The term The Long Now was coined by Brian Eno after moving from England to New York.  He noticed that the here and now of Americans was much more immediate (this room, this five minutes), then what he was used to in England.  Mr. Eno became a founding member of the Long Now Foundation, established in 1996, based in San Francisco.  The aim of the Foundation is to provide a counterpoint to what it views as today’s “faster/cheaper” mindset and to promote “slower/better” thinking.  Members acknowledge the increasingly short attention span of our culture driven by the acceleration of technology, the short horizon of current market driven economics, the election cycle perspective of current politics, and the distractions of personal multi-tasking. According to the website, the Foundation sponsors speakers and debates and encourages dialog in hopes to “creatively foster responsibility in the framework of the next 10,000 years”.  The guidelines of Long Now thinking involve promoting responsibility and rewarding patience.

When I first heard the term (thanks Jennifer), The Long Now, I immediately loved it.  It resonated with me on many levels, without really knowing the Foundation’s goals and motivation (10,000 years!).  Just by saying it, the phrase has a magical way of pulling me out of the current moment by extending that moment into the future.  It is a simply elegant way of thinking about the future consequences of my current behavior by emphasizing the link between the two.  It reminds me of the small steps, little choices, that will add up to where I will be someday.  When I think about today’s choices in terms of my Long Now, I can picture myself in the future having been the beneficiary or the victim of an incremental set of choices and events.  It simply reminds me that, in time, the future will be the current now.  Now that is motivating for me to help keep me on track with my goals –  I can have this indulgence now, or think of my ultimate goal in my Long Now.

The Long Now also offers me a soothing thought:  whatever I am going through now, this “now” is not how it will always be.  I may worry about some of my child’s decisions, for example, but if I think in the Long Now, I can have the confidence of knowing she will mature and grow, and be just fine in the long now.

I also love that by engaging in Long Now thinking I am encouraged into a mature and wise perspective that promotes ways of thinking and acting that I know is good for me and is associated with success and happiness.  I am encouraged to delay immediate gratification and think of my responsibility to my children and my children’s children, offering a sense of connection and generativity.  Long Now thinking lends itself to our sense of being an agent in determining our collective future. If I think in the now, I plant flowers.  If I think in the Long Now, I also plant trees.

So pardon my theft of this lofty 10,000 year perspective and slipping it into my own back pocket.  But as an idea, it feels extremely valuable, and as a practice, it feels priceless!

Note:  You can visit the Long Now library and bar, called the Interval, in San Francisco’s Fort Mason Center.  Chat with others and contemplate time with the 10,000 year clock.  

So now we know that not only does curiosity not kill the cat, but in fact, it can make it more successful.  Especially if it is a passionate kitty, who can surf the internet and acquire vast amounts of information.

Ok, what the heck am I talking about?  I came across an article by the author and journalist Thomas Friedman that was motivating to me.  He posits that in our relatively new world of the internet, where vast information is so readily available,  personal interest more than IQ can determine success.  He believes that greater than our IQ, a combination of curiosity and passion drives us to explore subjects of interest and therefore become as knowledgeable as someone with exceptional intelligence.

This Curiosity Quotient is not a real formula and is not mathematical, but represents the idea of how a person driven by their interests can accomplish what we have thought of as only what certain gifted people can achieve.  The proposed formula is:

CQ + PQ > IQ

CQ is the “Curiosity Quotient” and PQ is a “Passion Quotient”.  These are both theoretical concepts that do not represent actual measurements, but traits that each person can possess in varying amounts.  His formula is his way to express the idea that in our new economy, people who are self motivated learners who have learned how to learn, may actually be most successful.  He states: “Give me the kid with a passion to learn and a curiosity to discover and I will take him or her over the less passionate kid with a huge IQ every day of the week.”  In other words, it is more important to be passionate and curious than merely smart.

Thinking of the internet as an unlimited university, open to anyone with a strong motivation to use it, is intriguing to me.  It goes along with the Growth Mindset I have written about in a previous blog post, that supports the idea that hard work rather than natural born talent is what determines success in the long run.  And to be honest, Passion and Curiosity sound a lot more fun than hard work!  Which in some ways, seems to be Mr. Friedman’s point – that if we are curious and enjoy learning, we will naturally work hard to take advantage of the vast amount of information available to us, which then leads to a mastery of what we are interested in.

So, not only does curiosity actually help the cat, but it just may help old dogs like me learn some new tricks!

Every January, gyms and weight loss centers are packed.  We all make New Year’s Resolutions about our health and happiness with the best of intentions.  What I’ve been thinking about this year, however, is something we tend to overlook in our goal setting, but is a key factor in our happiness – our relationships, especially our most intimate ones.  If we have a partner who we are generally happy with, we tend to take it for granted, and if we are unhappy, we can develop a helpless attitude that leads to a blaming mindset.  So in this week’s post, I invite us to do some thinking about our most intimate connection and explore some ways we can attend to our relationship health.

One of the biggest challenges in relationship is to love someone for who they are, and not who we want them to be.  Even when we are probably pushing for change out of love, as in seeing someone’s potential and wanting them to achieve it, this type of thinking can lead to an attitude of judgment.  Our loved one can feel criticized and it it can lead to insecurities that are painful.  In the long run, nagging or pressuring someone to change tends to backfire.  In truth, when someone feels loved and valued, they are most open to taking some risks and adopting new attitudes or behaviors.  Making sure we express the gratitude and love for someone just as they are is a worthy resolution.

Don’t forget to see the good.  Recognize that while you may have differences, there is much you share in common.  Just as we often overlook what is habitual, we tend to overlook all the ways in which our relationship is working and the core values that hold people together.  Making a conscious effort to affirm what is good and what you respect about your partner is a helpful balance to the nagging frustrations of day to day life.  Remembering that your husband is a spiritual person with good intentions may be important to you, even if he does not practice the same rituals or religion you do.  Or maybe your husband doesn’t love to watch football the way you do, but he is an athletically minded person who likes to hike with you.  Our attitudes are often shaped by what we focus on.  As a gift to yourself, resolve to focus on what is positive in your relationship.

And finally, in thinking about how to support our relationships in the New Year, be your partner’s trusted ally.  The world is full critics, at work, at school, maybe even by other family members or friends. While you may not agree with everything your partner says or does, be sure to be the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt.   Make sure you are respecting your partner to other people.  You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior, but rather than throwing them under the bus, do what you can to make them look good or respect their difference of opinion.  It builds intimacy in a relationship when you know someone has your back.

So starting this New Year, put some thought into some relationship bad habits that need attending to, just as much as a mindful reset of your eating or drinking habits.  Avoid the traps of whining and complaining, or siding with someone else, such as your child, in order to be the hero.  These are cheap ways to make ourselves feel good in the moment.  In the long run, relationship health has a big impact on overall life satisfaction.  It’s truly worth the time to institute some healthy relationship habits in this fresh start to the year.