I just returned from a few days of camping.  Right before I left a member of my community very suddenly and tragically lost her 26 year old son to a unexpected illness.  Right after I got back I learned that another member of my community’s husband had a fatal health crisis. These unexpected deaths shatter people’s lives.  For the loved ones, there is no chance for preparation and their sense of trust in the world gets completely lost. I think of the Humpty Dumpty rhyme as people scramble to be of help and support, with nothing to be done to take away the pain and the reality or put things back together again.  I can only tell myself and other people who ask for my advice about how to be of help, that this will be a forever thing. Yes, be there now, but the marathon of grieving is a long and lonely run. Being there for someone in six months, a year, and even 25 years is what we can and need to do.

I recently read a book I found very helpful, called “The Orphaned Adult:  Coping with Grief and Change” (by Alexander Levy).” What I found really resonated with me in my own experience of grief and with so many of the people I know or work with, is the idea of change.  In grief there is a great contrast. The loss of someone is so permanent and final, it is hard to think about change and yet, as life goes on for the living, both the nature of our grief and our very lives themselves are constantly changing.  There are so many layers that unfold over time. For example, in the beginning, after my sister died, I was in such a state of shock. It took me a long time to feel I could use my full brain again. Then, in time, I began to miss having someone to recall our childhood events or compare perspectives to.  And now, 25 years later, I still feel the loss in ever shifting ways. I mourn the children she never had a chance to have, the Aunt she could never be to my children, and getting old together. For my mother, I first mourned the loss of the mother she was when she lived with us, disabled and vulnerable. But over time, I am mourning the mother she was when I was growing up.  I imagine this, too, will change, especially as I get older and closer to the age she was when she got ill.

It is hard sometimes for people to talk about their losses after an average of about six months.  A grief group leader I spoke with verified this as her experience. She notices people join her group at about that stage in their grief process, sharing that they no longer felt they had anyone to talk to.  Other people move on, other losses take precedence, and people feel that either they shouldn’t or it isn’t received well when they bring up their grief. At the same time, for many people, the true nature of their grieving is kicking in; they are coming out of a phase of shock and the reality of their loss is becoming clear.  They are beginning to accept not only what happened and how sad it is, but the changes that will forever be a part of their lives. The plans they had, the future they had predicted, and the ripples of change that loss brings about are being felt.  

So if you are wondering how to be of help to someone, don’t worry, you have time.  It is such a gift to people who have lost loved ones to ask about the person who died or about themselves and talk about the grief, even years later.  It feels good to be reassured that you can keep grieving and that the changes you are continuing to go through can be witnessed and understood by those around you.  I once heard someone describe grief over the long term: the hole inside never goes away, but you grow around it. Being a safe person for someone to talk to, at any point along the journey is precious.  Don’t feel the need to have answers and don’t be afraid that they are still really hurting. Grief is a long slow evolving process – it ages along with the rest of us.

This post is dedicated to Bonnie Slotnick with much gratitude for her effort and kindness.

I almost deleted the email.  It looked like some sort of a scam.  The subject line read: “Something of Yours-?”  Annoyed, I assumed it was someone trying to get me to send money to some foreign country, complete with my credit card information.  Fortunately, my curiosity got the best of me as I noticed there was a photo attached.

“I have a cookbook shop in New York,” the note began.  She described how she purchases things that her friend finds at thrift shops to complement her vintage cook books.  Among the items she had acquired was a thirteen inch spoon with an inscription on it that she believed once belonged to me.  It ended with “If you would like to have it, I’ll be happy to send it to you.”

As the photo opened up on my computer screen, it was like traveling in a time machine.  Engraved on the spoon handle was indeed my name, the date 10-16-77, the name Ebony, and the letters “1st W.T.C.”  Sluth that she was, and a fellow horsewoman, Bonnie realized the letters stood for Walk-Trot-Cantor, and that this spoon was a prize from a horse show.  “As a rider myself, I would love to be reunited with such a trophy, had I ever won one,” she said.

Indeed, I was thrilled to see that spoon and hold it in my hand again, all these many years later.  But there was so much more to the story for me, beyond being a practically antique trophy! The horse’s name on the spoon was the first horse I had ever been allowed to take care of.  After years of wishing, dreaming, and making deals with the devil in my mind, my mother advocated for me and allowed me to lease a little black horse owned by a former neighbor who now lived on a farm.  It was the beginning of intense years of riding, working at the stables to pay for lessons, and feeling a sense of belonging and identity.

My mother spent many hours driving me to barns and tack shops (I could spend hours just buying a lead rope).  She woke up at 4 am many a Saturday or Sunday morning to take me to the stable so I could travel with my trainer to a horse show.  She watched countless laps around a ring that must have looked all the same to her for so much of it. She learned the phrases as I did, countercanter, change of lead, and the significance of 3’6” (the height of the jumps in the highest youth division). And most of all, she endured the scrapes, bruises, and broken bones that come with a rider’s life as well as the bruises to the heart as a girl outgrows her first mount or fails to make the finals in the most important of shows.

After the wildfire of October 2016, my relationship with “stuff” has changed.  When you almost lose everything and have friends who actually do, it reorients you to what indeed you want to keep.  When the granny unit that my mother was living in burned down, I lost so much of what was to be inherited of our family memories, especially of my mother’s family history and her own mementos I had always assumed I would have to keep. Bonnie, sitting in her shop in NYC, could have had no idea what that spoon would mean to me – a rare piece of my childhood and a symbol of the bond with my late mother that survived that horrible day.

As I hold the spoon in my hand, I can smell the grass as the hooves of my horse move through it on that chilly October morning in New Jersey. I can feel the leather of the saddle beneath me and the sound of the thud as I dismount. I hand my mother a carrot, and as scared as she ever could be, she would lean over and offer it to the beautiful animal she was absolutely terrified to be near.  But she loved me, and since I loved that horse, she loved it, too. A big thanks to Bonnie, a lover of books and of old stories, who took the time to find me, even to call me, and made this happy reunion possible. It is a reunion not just with a spoon, but with a girl, a love, and a mother’s love that still lives on within me.  

It’s such a fun time of year with graduations all around the community. Every college, high school, and even your local elementary school has their ceremony to honor the achievements of our young people.  Besides the academic success, just getting through the social dramas and bureaucratic tangles is something to celebrate! But I am reminded of some advice I learned from my studies (and find to be true in experience) about accomplishment.  That after achieving any goal, even ones you have longed for your whole life, there can be a let down. Understanding this phenomenon can be helpful in keeping yourself on track.

The wave of disappointment that often occurs after success was named the “arrival fallacy” by Harvard expert on positive psychology, Tal Ben-Shahar.  (I would assume a Harvard grad would have had have some!) He describes it as “the illusion that once we make it, once we achieve our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.”   He posits that this is why so many celebrities struggle with depression and substance abuse. They may start out unhappy with the dream that once they make it, they will be happy. After they achieve their goal, they are happy for a little while, but it doesn’t last.  Then there is a hopelessness that couples with the unhappiness.

The old adage that it is the journey, not the destination, seems to be true, at least for long term happiness.  A promotion or a degree will definitely get you more money and open doors that are important for your well being, which contributes to your quality of life.  Most of us are raised with the values of the American Dream – work hard and achieve success, and you will be happy. But once you achieve a goal, life doesn’t magically transform to being a bed of roses.  You are still the same person you were before, and now you may have even more stress or pressure in your new role.

So what is a hard working person who wants to be successful to do?  Don’t stop setting goals, the experts say. In fact, the pursuit of goals can contribute to happiness.  As long as these goals bring value and meaning to your life while you are pursuing them. If you want to be a successful comedian, the process of writing jokes and performing, no matter where, will bring you contentment.  Getting your own HBO special will be the icing on the cake. We are a future oriented people, Dr. Ben-Shahar notes. We need to have goals. But he suggests having multiple goals in multiple areas of your life, both in and outside of work, can help keep you balanced.  And watch out for any sentences that sound like: “I’ll be happy if I can just achieve X.” With all the focus on the perceived benefits of the outcome, we set ourselves up for arrival fallacy.

I remember it well.  After the initial tickle of calling ourselves “Dr.” wore off (especially when people seemed disappointed we were not cardiologists or orthopedic surgeons) we all felt a sense of depletion.  All the years of schooling, all the classes, oral exams and dissertation, we had finally arrived. I had my doctorate hanging on the wall, but I was in tears, sitting at my computer, worrying about getting licensed.  I almost quit. I had fantasies of owning a doughnut shop, early mornings and selling things that instantly made people happy. But luckily deep down I knew that I loved psychology and that the doctorate and license were just vehicles to do the work that I enjoyed, not the end in themselves.  (And I am a terrible cook and would just eat up all my profits, anyhow.)

So my advice to any graduate, or any person who achieves their goal, is to celebrate while you can! But celebrate the process of what it took to get there and the reasons you are doing it. Then kiss your friends and family who supported you along the way.  Spend time with them and share what is important to you. Then set some new goals that also matter. Lately I have been thinking of life as a series of summits in climbing a mountain.  You climb and climb, and then when you arrive, you get a new view of another stage of the climb ahead that you couldn’t see before. Life is never about arriving at a final destination while you are living it.  But it is so important to put down your pack, grab a good snack, and enjoy the view.

I had the pleasure of attending the Senior Awards night at my daughter’s high school (congratulations Alana).  I was so touched by the whole event and impressed by the teachers for taking the time to say personal words about each student.  But what really made me happy was to hear the description of the effort and passion demonstrated that earned each their award. I have written before about the Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck’s work on the importance of rewarding effort) but it was such a delight to see it in action.  It got me thinking about awards, effort, and life’s great challenges.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all give out awards when merited?  All around us are prize winning efforts that so frequently go unnoticed or unappreciated for the great feats they truly are. Thousands of people are devoted caregivers for people they love.  Grandparents are stepping up to parent when a child is unable. Noble employers make the extra effort to help a struggling employee. I am very sure most all of us have had to bear some burden that we worked so  hard to get through. We did it because it needed to get done. We did it in hope for a better life for ourselves or someone we love. We did it quietly, we did it with little recognition, and maybe we even failed at times along the way.  But we kept going. We picked ourselves up after a relapse or apologized after an outburst.

Every day I have the honor of privately witnessing people working extremely hard to overcome hardship.  I would love to hand out a $1000 scholarship to the woman who left her abusive husband despite her fears and self doubt; a Safeway gift card to the 15 year old  boy who makes dinner for himself and his mother each day and keeps her company to watch movies as she lays in bed disabled from terminal cancer; and a medal of courage to the man who shared with me about being molested by his father, enduring the shame in order to overcome his crippling anxiety.  It is hard work to change one’s fate and break the cycles of neglect, abuse, or poverty. I wish there was a way to publicly award these private efforts.

It’s so hard to take responsibility for our behavior when we need to.  But something I have really learned that still surprises me, is how it can be even harder to give ourselves credit when we deserve it in these quiet moments of personal growth or recovery.  After years of self doubt, criticism, and shame, it can be equally hard for some people to tell themselves they are wonderful, deserving, or even lovable.

For every moment in the spotlight for the awards last night, there were many more moments of fear and failure, including for my own daughter.  It really is in these moments of perseverance that we must see each other and witness the bravery and effort by reflecting it in our appreciation  and praise. While I wish I could give out scholarships and gift cards, I have to remember, even in my own development, that being truly seen in the moments when I thought no one noticed, or when I could not see my own goodness, felt just as affirming as the card on my birthday or the plaque on the wall.  We do have the power to give out awards each and every day if we take the time to witness the quietly deserving and affirm the goodness of well intentioned effort.

While I usually post on Mondays, today is my first Mother’s Day ever without my mom to share it with.  While I’m so lucky to be the mother of two wonderful daughters, there is, along with much joy, an emptiness. I know I’m certainly not alone today in this ache of ambivalence and wanted to reach out to anyone else who might feel the same way.

It’s easy to be swept up in the Hallmark traditions of how things should be on a day like today – brunches with bright flowers and colorful napkins accompanied by cards with thoughtful expressions of appreciation. These expectations create burdens when we don’t feel up to it all or don’t have the people or quality of relationships in our lives, thinking everyone else in the world does.

There are so many ways in which someone around us might need some comforting today.  Besides the passing of a mother, many people have lost children. I often wondered what it was like for my own mother on Mother’s Day to experience the pain from the death of her child  She was a person who didn’t express herself in this way very much, but I know her pain was profound. And then there’s the pain of conflict, wanting a better relationship with a mother or child, or wanting contact at all when there’s estrangement.  Or the pain of infertility. While we celebrate motherhood, many people silently long for the chance for this loving opportunity, mourning a very private loss.

Growing up, my mother thought I was “too sensitive.”   I heard it so many times I might have thought it was my name.  We were very different types of people; not that we didn’t love each other, but I often wished for more understanding between us.  But she loved me and supported me as best she could and now that I am a mother of young women, I understand better how easy it is to miss the mark, even when you try your best.  And at the end of her life, when she came to live with me in her dependent and disabled decline from her disease, we had a good laugh about how it was a good thing for her I was so sensitive.  While those years of her disease were so very tragic and difficult, I’m now deeply grateful for the opportunity for that time together.

There is something about pain and even tragedy that opens us.  My mother and I did indeed grow closer through the oppression of her disease.  She had become so physically disabled, her pride and insistence on independence could no longer keep up with the degree of the needs she had.  When she had to be fed, dressed, and transferred, a humility emerged that allowed her to let down her guard, just enough to be cared for. It was the closest I felt to her, and I am hoping her to me.  While I like to remember her physically in her more healthy days, I hold on to the tenderness I experienced between us in the last year, especially.

So if you are feeling pain this Mother’s Day, please accept my invitation to honor this pain.  It’s the manifestation of a longing for the love so essential to our sense of purpose and well being. You have my complete permission to turn off your phone and avoid the Facebook posts and memes, sent with good intentions of course.  Listen to your desire, give expression to what you feel. While it may be difficult and exhausting, it is an experience of love no less beautiful than any other. If there is one thing I am sure of in my 54 years of being a daughter and near 21 years of being a mother, is that there is no right way of doing and no right way of being.  It is the precious moments of authenticity, while not at all like the Hallmark expectations predict, that most matter and endure.

May your Mother’s Day be full of love, in whatever form it comes.

My younger daughter is getting ready to graduate high school and the empty nest has been on my mind.  It definitely will be a big change after having a child at home for 21 years (between my elder and younger).  As the time approaches for her departure, it seems that everyone has opinions about how to navigate the transition back to “couple.”  What stands out to me in this vast array of advice is a common theme of attitude and proactivity. As I reflect on how to apply this, it occurs to me how the same advice to couples could apply to strengthen any relationship at any point in time.  Whether with family or friends, my decisions to give people the benefit of the doubt or look for the ways they hurt me is really up to me.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, marriage expert John Gottman suggests that strong couples find “the glory” in their marriages.  Rather than denying the rocky times, they derive strength and meaning from the hardships they have survived and the doubts they worked through.  The way they tell their story is not with bitterness or blame, but in a way that reaffirms their faith in eachother and their partnership. And while these couples acknowledge that things went wrong, they are more forgiving and generalized about why they did.  Rather than focusing on their partner’s personality as being the source of the problem, they generalize it to an unfortunate incident. If you attack your partner’s character, you are more likely to stir a toxic judgmental dynamic as opposed to expressing a dissatisfaction with a forgivable mistake.  

And of course, just as in child rearing, praise and positive expressions are far more effective than criticism.  And a little can go a very long way. Research shows that non-verbal small expressions of love, such as an approving smile or even just leaning in toward someone, can have a powerful effect on reinforcing a sense of love and caring and help repair the chipping away of commitment that can happen over time.  It seems easier to notice what someone does wrong or forgets to do rather than what they regularly do. Habituation, or getting used to what is normal and predictable, has a natural way of making us take each other for granted.

And recently, someone reminded me of the Five Love Languages.  In the book by Gary Chapman, he outlines basic ways in which people tend to give love:  quality time; gifts; acts of service; words of affirmation; and physical touch. Each of us has a preferred way of receiving love, and in turn, it tends to be how we show it.  By identifying patterns in our relationships, we can identify and appreciate the ways that we are being given love that we may have not noticed. We may also learn how better to give love in a way that our partners need.

What I take away from these relationship building trends is the choices I have and the things I can do to enhance closeness.  Whether with my daughters before they leave, or after they are gone, with my brothers who I don’t see as much as I would like, or my co-workers who are stuck seeing me every day, relationships are living and evolving all around us all of the time.  It’s easy to get stuck in patterns and feel helpless and resentful, especially when we feel dependent on one another and vulnerable. It feels hopeful to me that we can, even with small gestures, change the way we feel in a relationship. So rather than just hoping for the best once my daughter flies off (literally, unfortunately, as she goes to Hanover New Hampshire) I can take deliberate actions to build on the connections I have both near and far away.

Ok, I must confess that when I was writing about procrastination in my last post, I was feeling a little high and mighty, as it is NOT my problem.  In fact, it is sooo not my problem because I do everything not only before the deadline, but as early as possible. But to my surprise while reading about procrastination, I learned that my being early habit,  just like procrastination, also represents a difficulty with emotional regulation, and has consequences of its own. So this week I humbly stand before you saying, “My name is Cynthia and I am a precrastinator.”

David Rosenbaum, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, published a study in 2014 in which he coined the phrase, “precrastination,”  which he defines as the tendency to tackle subgoals at the earliest opportunity, even at the expense of extra effort. More simply, it’s the inclination to complete tasks quickly, just for the sake of getting them done. Further research revealed certain characteristics about people who like to jump the gun.  Precrastinators are actually not impulsive. Rather they tend to be “highly rational and eager to show they’re worthy of responsibility, “ says Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist and professor at the Wharton School. He describes precrastination as a perversion of diligence. Precrastinators are so worried about running out of time, especially when people are depending on them, that they may sacrifice quality or efficiency just to reduce the stress of having something on their to do list.

When you have tasks to do, it creates tension.  You could could run out of time to complete the task, or forget about it.  The more a precrastinator has to do, the stronger the tendency to go for the low hanging fruit.  “What happens when you precrastinate is that your anxiety about making progress causes you to dive in headfirst as opposed to giving yourself time to consider your options,” Dr. Grant said.  Other symptoms of precrastination are familiar to me – paying a bill early rather than collecting interest income, answering e-mails immediately rather than carefully crafting a reply, or doing something only to have to redo it as you find out more information. (I have actually had to redo applications or have people tell me to resend things to them because circumstances changed or they could not find something because I sent it in too early.)

So what is a humble precrastinator to do?  Slow down, to start with. Just as in procrastination, learning to tolerate the discomfort of having something to do is the first step.  Also like the antidote to procrastination, planning things out is helpful. Evaluating tasks and prioritizing them is important. But the precrastinator has to think through the benefits of waiting rather than just the relief of having something done.  What information might be good to gather? What people might be good to consult? How might the tasks be done better if more time is taken?

And what about just enjoying the moment?  How much have I missed by not letting myself relax until I get things done?   While the procrastinator misses the deadline because he was doing more preferred things, I just may miss the more preferred things because I make the deadline!  Maybe a little procrastination is a healthy thing after all.

I must confess I am confused by people who procrastinate.  And if I am really honest, when these people are close to me, I am down right annoyed at times.  So to gain understanding and to hopefully be more supportive, I did a little reading about the psychology of procrastination.  It turns out that while most people procrastinate now and then, about 20% of people procrastinate in a habitual manner that has real consequences on mental health, not just on productivity.  So in this weeks post, I’ll touch on some of the research on procrastination and some tools that might help us all.

Most research on the mechanisms of procrastination have focused on the thought patterns associated with procrastination.  Ferrari, Johnson, and McCown identified what is known in Cognitive Behavioral Psychology as the major “cognitive distortions” (errors in thinking) that lead to procrastination:  overestimating how much time you have left to perform a task overestimating how motivated you will be in the future (assuming you’ll be more motivated at some future point); underestimating how long certain activities will take to complete; and mistakenly assuming that they need to be in the right frame of mind to work on a task.

But to  be honest, in my work and life experience with people who have trouble with procrastination, it doesn’t just seem like an error in thinking.  Every time it happens they would analyze the situation, come up with a conclusion, such as “I need to start earlier,” or “I need to map out the project so I won’t underestimate it,” but don’t seem able to change their pattern despite their determination.  In fact, they really suffer from the frustration with themselves and their broken promises when they fail to make what appeared to be simple habit changes. It seems like something else is going on.

Indeed, the researchers at Carleton University in Ottawa conclude that rather than being just a thought problem, procrastination is more of an emotional regulation problem.  In a recent study, Dr. Pychal and Dr. Sirios report that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short term mood repair…over the longer term pursuit of intended action.”  In other words, the need to avoid the emotions (anxiety, perfectionism, self doubt, etc.) that come with a task takes precedence over the need to complete the task. Mix this with a few rationalizations such as “I will have more energy later” and voila, you immediately feel better.

Studies have supported this hypothesis when comparing short and long term consequences.  For example, looking at students over a semester, procrastinators reported less illness and lower stress levels at the beginning of a semester.  However, by the end of the semester, this had changed dramatically wherein procrastinators had the highest levels of stress and illness. In addition, high procrastinators tend to experience problems in relationships.  By putting things off, the burden can be shifted to other people who depend on you, such as family, friends or co-workers. They can grow resentful and this creates a negative feedback loop to undermine your self esteem.

Imposed deadlines force the procrastinator to put aside the thoughts and feelings that paralyze them, as they reach the point of just having to get it done.  Unfortunately, research also shows the outcomes are not as good as if they had taken their time to put in their best effort. Ironically, many people who procrastinate are perfectionists.  The anxiety and pressure they feel in sitting down to write a paper, for example, is so overwhelming, they delay and distract from it. Then, with a fast approaching deadline, they are forced to just do it, as Nike would say.  And procrastinators have described that it helps their self esteem to think their performance problems might be a time management problem rather than having put in their best effort and come up short.

The hardest step in managing your procrastination tendency is to recognize when you are doing it, as procrastinators tend to avoid the pain of their procrastination by not thinking about that as well.  Experts in overcoming procrastination have certain suggestions. First, make an honest to do list, meaning making a list of all the things that need to get done and when they are due. Prioritize the most important tasks factoring in due dates and size of projects.  Then focus on the task that seems to have the most priority or that you have avoided the most. Ask yourself in a supportive, honest, and curious way about the emotions that emerge regarding the task – what are the fears, worries, self doubts that are unpleasant and make you want to avoid the tasks?  If these feelings are unmanageable, ask for help from someone you trust. Getting reassurance by talking out your emotions can be very helpful in moving you forward. Perhaps you can meet again with this person to check in on your progress?

Forgiving yourself for past procrastination is also important.  By thinking of procrastination as an emotional regulation problem, rather than a moral or personality flaw, you can work through the emotions that get in the way.  Studies show that increasing self forgiveness on a task reduced the negative emotions on a future task and reduced procrastination. And finally, give yourself a reward.  As in most learning scenarios, praise and rewards work much better than criticism and punishment. So pat yourself on the back, buy yourself a smoothie for a well deserved break, and chart out your accomplishments along the way.  Breaking tasks down into smaller pieces helps reduce overwhelm, and gives that many more opportunities for that amazing feeling of crossing something off the to do list.

“I can’t just stop eating.  I need to eat!” That is the common frustration of people struggling to curb overeating habits.  And it is true. With many behaviors that we decide aren’t good for us, such as smoking, drinking, or being in a destructive relationship, you can give it up.  But with food, we can’t just quit it. We have to battle with temptations daily and constantly be exercising moderation, which is wearing on our good intentions.  So knowing when our eating issues cross over into addiction can be helpful, and applying some of what works for other addictions can be a valuable approach.

Food addiction involves the same areas of your brain as drug addiction. The same neurotransmitters are also involved (serotonin and dopamine) and many of the symptoms are identical.  Processed foods have a powerful effect on the reward centers of our brains. Experiments in animals and humans show that that reward centers are activated by food, especially foods rich in sugar, fat, and salt, in a similar manner to the brain’s response to cocaine and heroin.  Once people experience pleasure associated with increased dopamine transmission in the brain’s reward pathway, they quickly feel the need to eat again. In short, food addiction is not caused by a lack of willpower, but results from complex biochemistry of the brain. Neural systems that evolved to motivate and reinforce foraging and food intake for survival become problematic when high calorie foods are so readily available in our own pantries.

There is no blood test to determine if you have a food addiction, it is based on the following symptom clusters:  You frequently get cravings for certain foods, despite feeling full and having just finished a nutritious meal; when you start eating foods you crave, you often find yourself eating much more than intended;  when you eat a craved food, you sometimes eat to the point of feeling excessively full; you often feel guilty after eating particular foods, yet find yourself eating them again soon after; you have repeatedly, but unsuccessfully, tried to quit eating certain foods or set rules for them;  you often hide your consumption of unhealthy foods from others; you feel unable to control you consumption of unhealthy foods, despite knowing that they cause you physical harm including weight gain, diabetes, etc

The symptoms and thought processes associated with food addiction are similar to any drug addiction. It’s just a different type of substance and the social consequences may be less severe.  Food addiction can cause physical harm and lead to serious diseases like obesity and type 2 diabetes.  In addition, it may negatively impact your self-esteem and self-image, making you unhappy with your body. As with other addictions, food addiction may take an emotional toll and increase your risk of premature death.

If your eating habits are causing you harm, either in physical or psychological ways, there are some steps that you can take.  While it is true, you cannot stop eating, you can identify foods that lead to overeating and decide to eliminate these foods from your diet all together.  This may be difficult at first, especially in social situations, but it can break the cycle of addictive eating, guilt, and relapse. When avoiding certain foods, it helps to focus your attention on what you can eat.  Make meal plans of nutritious food you do like and identify fast food places that offer healthy options when you are not in the mood to cook. The less you have to think about what to eat, the less you will leave room for addictive cravings to creep in.  Research also shows that it is best to hold off on weight loss goals until you have your food addictive behavior under control, that drinking more water helps decrease cravings and appetite, and that eating more protein also reduces food cravings.

Like any addiction, your brain will crave what lights it up.  Learning to handle a craving without engaging in the behavior will take a lot of work at first, but in time your confidence in overcoming a craving will increase, taking away the craving’s power over you.  Triggers can also be times of day (often in the evenings), certain emotions (loneliness), certain places (fast food restaurant), certain people (a parent), or even a memory or thought (self judgment). Make a list of possible activities that you will do when you get a craving.  Make sure you eat three healthy meals on the day you begin your new plan, and use your trigger plans whenever you want to snack outside of meals. Reassure yourself that you have eaten adequately and nurtured yourself with good food. Your craving is a sign of needing other nurturing.  Learning to slow down your eating and eating”mindfully” is also proven to help with eating issues. By tuning into our bodies and our minds, we can better identify our true hunger versus a need for psychological soothing.

Like any addiction, it is not unusual to relapse and lose control over your eating.  Try your best not to get lost in a negative cycle, but to get back on track as quickly as possible.  Know that you are not alone. Finding some kind of a support group is really helpful and is often a key to success for those who engage in it.  Remember that our body chemistry did not evolve for the abundance we currently live in. As Kimberly Steele, a researcher at Johns Hopkins writes, “broccoli and oatmeal do not get us fat.” She notes a direct relationship between the availability of high sugar and fat processed foods and our nation’s obesity rates. So it is our habits and environment that we need to adapt.   As with any addictive substance, freeing yourself from its power over you can have a transformative effect on many levels. Developing a healthy relationship to food can bring back the pleasure in eating.

This week I felt the need to share with you the words of a well known and well respected man who recently shared with the world about his depression.  His talents at writing and expressing his experience truly touched me and I think express for many people the difficulty when our minds have thoughts that can’t be trusted.  Most all of us have experienced at some point in our lives depression or anxiety at such a level that we are, as he says, “not in our right mind.” With the help of other’s love and guidance, we need to fight through and challenge these thoughts, clinging to the reality of our self worth and true value.  

Michael Gerson is a political columnist for the Washington Post, a former Presidential speech writer, and a regular contributor to many national news shows.  He was invited to give a sermon at the Washington National Cathedral in which he decided to help reduce the stigma surrounding depression and talk openly about it. He introduces the topic:  “Like nearly one in ten Americans – and like many of you – I live with this insidious, chronic disease. Depression is a malfunction in the instrument we use to determine reality. The brain experiences a chemical imbalance and wraps a narrative around it. So the lack of serotonin, in the mind’s alchemy, becomes something like, “Everybody hates me.” Over time, despair can grow inside you like a tumor.”

In my own experience and with many of the people I work with, the identification of depression as altering one’s view of reality is so important.  When we are gripped by depression and anxiety, our mind’s take over with a dark cloud or fear that colors the world we see. It is like a lens through which we interpret the world is placed before our eyes.  The problem is, we do not know what to trust. Our very own minds try to convince us that we need to act on our thoughts or fears. Studies show that these distortions in thinking are caused by biological changes as well as defense mechanisms meant to help us control or protect ourselves.  By seeing fear or rejection that is not there, we are driven to withdraw or work harder in ways that serve as desperate attempts at lessening some threat.

Michael Gerson shares some of his journal entries at the times he was most depressed.  Despite being a successful man, one of a few with a column in a National paper, he truly feels like a failure and a dissapointment.  When reading them in his right mind, he can see that they are “just lies,” but at the time he writes them he believes they are true. He reflects:   And it seems, particularly when you’re isolated, it can be very dangerous, because all you have then is this — these thoughts in your own head, these ruminations in your own head. And it really takes other people to try to break into that and say, this is wrong. This is not true. What you’re thinking is not correct.

So please, if you are gripped by thoughts of failure or worthlessness, don’t believe it.  I know this is easy to say, and not to do, but stay open to the notion that you are not in your right mind. Take a moment before you discount the opinions of others who love you and respect you.  Entertain the idea that they, perhaps better than you, are a good judge of your character. Not being able to trust your own perceptions is truly an uncomfortable and vulnerable way of being. Yet, as Michael Gerson explains it, you need to listen to someone who has the courage to say to you:  “You’re, in fact, much too hard on yourself. You’re living in a kind of small little world of your own creation. And you need to come out of it.”