Talk about change!! No matter your situation, life is surely very different than it used to be just a short time ago.  Many of us are constantly home with people we didn’t expect to spend so much time with, engaging in ways we could never have anticipated, either.  Inevitably, as much as you love each other, conflict will arise. Especially under these hard circumstances with so many competing stressors and our lives suddenly being lived directly on top of one another, it’s bound to cause a quarrel or two.  This week’s post is to reassure you it’s normal and hopefully give some tips to get through.

About now, the reality of the situation is sinking in – this surreal way of living is our new normal.  We are using phones and laptops to try to do what was already challenging enough to do in person. We have lost roles that define us and lost income that sustains us. In trying to move forward, we are competing in our homes for space, noise levels (one wants to watch a video and another needs quiet), dietary needs, and cleanliness comfort.   Extroverts want more conversation and introverts are trying to retreat. We all have our particular way of coping and privacy is a forgotten medium. If you’re like me, the last month has brought both highs and lows that are very intense. I feel blessed for the opportunity to have this time with my family so close together, but have not always been at my best in navigating through it!

I had written a post one Groundhog’s Day about the psychological concept of “the shadow”.  It is the part of ourselves we don’t like to see (or sometimes can’t see). It’s usually a less acceptable part of ourselves that gets played out on those around us (hence named the shadow) while we remain comfortably unaware. I can’t help but think that with all of us home under stress for so many hours, we are all casting shadows on top of one another! No wonder we are a bit tense and feel misunderstood!  For example, my not-great habit of reacting under stress is to turtle up and become withdrawn and preoccupied by my thoughts and fears, shutting down to others. My family could tell something was wrong, but I kept insisting I was fine.  Finally, they had to confront me that I was being distant and it made them feel rejected and hurt. I didn’t like hearing that, as in my mind I was working hard to be the “good mom,” making everyone feel loved and supported through cooking and cleaning and making sure everyone had what they needed.  But when they shared examples with me, I had to open my eyes to their truth. I was emotionally shrinking from them, lost in my own perceptions of my experience.

Many of us are going back to old habits and patterns.  They can be more obvious, like drinking or smoking again or letting our anger get the best of us.  Or our old habits can be more subtle, like falling into an old relational dynamic or family role we had hoped we’d outgrown.  It can take a toll on our self esteem, particularly at a time when we need our emotional resilience. It’s important to remember that this tendency is normal, that the pull of regression is normal, and that you are not alone. The key is to be as aware as possible of how we are reacting and be open to feedback with a good dose of self compassion.  We also need to have compassion for others, and give one another the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

Here are a few thoughts to serve as a reminder/guide:

*Take time out.  Use whatever works for you to calm yourself down and engage your thinking brain.  Meditation, mindfulness, yoga, art, walking, dancing, or whatever you need to calm yourself down and take care of you.  Do it every day.

*Be a good listener.  It will be hard to hear, really hear, what others are saying, but be prepared to open yourself to their perspective.  Everyone has different opinions and feelings. No one can say another person’s feelings are wrong. Resist the temptation to interrupt and be defensive.  If needed, set some time parameters that allow you and the other person time to talk in turn.

*Watch your non-verbal communication.  It’s easy to eye roll, look away and use a tone of voice that undermines your words and can make people really angry even though you are saying the “right” things.

*Be collaborative.  Offer solutions that involve what you will change or an understanding of how you feel you contributed to a situation.  Educating people as to how they have been wrong does little to build trust. Modeling owning your part in a situation allows others to be vulnerable and share.

*Remember that others are hurting in some way.  People are reacting out of fear about what will happen and are preoccupied with their own stress.  They may not have the time or emotional space to be as understanding or loving as they might at another time.  

* Journal or talk to someone outside the situation in order to get perspective.  It can help to gain clarity about your own thoughts and feelings before you approach someone else.  (Again, be self reflective rather than blaming).  It’s normal to be anxious in times of uncertainty. Acknowledging and expressing your feelings in words will help you avoid acting it out in ways you may regret.

*Set a time to talk when both people are ready and open.  Don’t spring a conversation on someone right before they have a meeting (zoom, or otherwise) or a class.  Set a time that works for you both and allows people to be prepared.

*Remember that sometimes people, especially our family, can see or know things about us better than we can.  Accept their words or insights as loving gestures of trying to feel closer to you. It can be very hard, believe me, but it is so crucial to intimacy.

*Be realistic.  You are not going to rid yourself of old habits or fix a bad relational dynamic all of a sudden.  While under such intense times and stress, the idea of harm reduction is helpful. We can do our best to minimize damage, but it’s too much to expect perfection.

*Be kind.  To yourself as well as others.  While you might not be as light hearted as you want to be or forgiving at any one time, balance it out by taking the initiative to do a kind deed or provide a helping hand when someone needs it.  Helping a frustrated mother when her internet connection cuts her off from an important task (hmmm, wonder where that came from) or doing some dishes that have piled up can be another way to show your love.

We will get through this and return to our separate lives again.  My hope is that I will look back on this and remember the creative fun times (our Zoom Passover seders with people from the East Coast and even Germany), but also have lessons learned for how we made it through what was difficult.  I want to be patient with myself and with my loved ones. I want to be authentic, but also careful in how I react. There is a lot to be learned through this period of time, no doubt about that. We will all need to be strong when someone else falters and accept help when we are the ones who need it.  This unique order to stay home with one another can be a burden that tears us apart or a chance to grow together. With these once in a lifetime extended orders to shelter in place, we can best get through it by making our homes more than a place we have to be, but a place with emotional space enough for everyone to want to be. 

So much has changed since my last blog post, just two short weeks ago.  Themes have now shifted from worry and anxiety to a deeper level of fear and loss.  And there are so many layers of loss: deaths and illness, the loss of jobs and finances, schooling and college life, and the loss of any plans we each have made. This universality of loss is unprecedented.  Although we may vary in our specifics, no one has been untouched by grief during this pandemic. And how we help each other through this challenging time will be an important part of our healing as we move through it.

We have all lost our sense of safety and certainty.  In order to go about our days and plan our lives, we assume that the world is generally a safe and predictable place.  This notion has been shattered, at least for the time being, and our vulnerability and lack of control is at a premium. Decisions that affect our lives are being made by others and we can only try to make the best of the situation, sometimes without the information needed or desired.  We have collectively lost our autonomy, our sense of agency in our lives, and we live with a helplessness that can be uncomfortable and also really frightening. We are experiencing an unimaginable collective trauma and our emotional well being will be affected and in need of our attention.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve for your particular loss.  It is natural to push aside your feelings when comparing yourself to others.  I hear people say they feel selfish for being upset about their graduation being cancelled, for example, compared to the loss of lives that some are experiencing.  It’s important to make room for your own grief. I believe we have enough empathy to feel the pain for other people’s losses as well as our own. Maybe not all at any one moment, but as a collection of caring hearts and souls, we can help each other recognize and honor this grief together.  Your grief is just as real as anybody else’s. No one can know what your loss meant to you but you, so don’t be afraid to put words to it. By acknowledging our grief and articulating it, we can move through it. And current loss tends to bring up old losses. I have been dreaming nightly about my mother again, may her memory be for a blessing.

People grieve in different ways.  Some people may be irritable, some may withdraw, and some people may need to keep busy and active.  Some people stress eat and others lose their appetite. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve in the way you need.  And we will need to give other people space to grieve in their own way. There is no competition in our losses, no one is more entitled to their pain than others.  At a time like this, it’s truly beneficial to acknowledge one another’s losses, providing validation and a chance to be seen in our own particular fear and sadness.  The stages of grief delineated by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But research on these stages suggests they do not come in a linear progression.  We will each have our own journey through these stages. Communicating what you need and how you are feeling is so important. And listening to one another and finding ways to negotiate differences is the best love you can give.  Identify what you can control and then problem solve. Staying in the present can be very challenging as we try to prepare for the worst. Labeling the what ifs as “fear” helps us to remember that it is not a reality, but a feeling that needs expression and compassion.

The silver linings are important to find and to hold on to.  Hopefully, in addition to the many losses we will need to heal from, we will also have moments that we can look back on with a bittersweet smile.  Our resourcefulness through this crisis is remarkable. Stories of 3-D printed ventilator nozzles, distilleries making hand sanitizer, and neighbors helping neighbors will also be a legacy of this pandemic.  Personally, we will each have tender moments of being reached out to by someone or making someone else feel loved by reaching out to them. Zoom happy hours, group face time chats, and all kinds of Instagram memes that bring us together are a testament to our collective resilience.  

The importance of love and connection can never be more clear.  And sheltering in place does offer some of the most creative opportunities for this.  One of my personal favorites this week was watching my daughter cutting my husband’s hair (after watching a you tube video and it looks better than some professionals have done).  We did each other’s nails and dragged out the slow cooker and tried some new recipes. My daughter’s do yoga together and we volunteered at a food pantry (with gloves and social distancing of course).  Amidst the tears for what has been lost, there is also laughter at the unpredictable and even the silly. Attempts at home schooling, learning new technologies, and the unending worry about toilet paper brings humility and funny stories, even if it also stretches our patience and at times our capacities. And that, too, is our common humanity shining through creating memories we will forever hold from this difficult time.

One of the most important elements of healing from loss through a traumatic experience is finding meaning.  Although we each will do this in our own way, I do believe another silver lining in this pandemic is its unique global nature in an era of nationalism.  The world is suffering together; we face a common enemy and feel our collective vulnerability. The virus does not know that we are politically different, economically diverse, or racially divided.  It only knows that we are all human. To get through this pandemic, we will need global cooperation and communication, societal assistance and support. I pray this pandemic ends quickly, but that global healing and compassion for the vulnerable throughout the world remains a lasting priority. (And maybe, for us, more home grooming as well!)

I tend to be a person who minimizes potential hazards and dire predictions.  There is enough drama going on inside my head that I don’t need to take on any more, thank you.  So as news was emerging about a new virus in China, I felt badly for them, but dismissed its meaning for me.  And then as illness began to spread, and my own Health Center where I work began to set up a triage desk out front and protocols for potential patients, I thought it was rather impressive that we were being so careful and overprepared.  But in the last days, as my daughters are both heading home from college because dorms are being cleared out and classes are being held remotely, travel is being restricted, large gatherings are being canceled, and my go to life distraction, the NBA is on lock down, I am beginning to wonder how worried I should be.  

And then, last night, when my own Health Center is choosing for my department to do phone visits only, I did feel a bit of panic arise, not necessarily about the virus, but about my own reaction.  Was I not worried enough, was I getting too worried, are people overreacting, not reacting enough? My worry about my own level of worry became the worry. And, to be honest, today I feel a little relieved to find I’m not alone.  The phone lines are jammed at my work with people calling about their fears. Overall the theme described by our Call Center workers is people looking for guidance about how worried they should be. Distress around the fear of Covid-19 virus has gotten so high, that the World Health Organization issued guidelines recently for protecting mental health during the outbreak: “Avoid watching, reading or listening to news that cause you to feel anxious or distressed; seek information mainly to take practical steps to prepare your plans and protect yourself and loved ones. Seek information updates at specific times during the day once or twice. The sudden and near-constant stream of news reports about an outbreak can cause anyone to feel worried. Get the facts. Gather information at regular intervals, from WHO website and local health authorities platforms, in order to help you distinguish facts from rumors.”

As a mental health practitioner, I can see that there are a number of elements of this viral situation that create a perfect storm of factors that lead to anxiety.  First is the uncertainty. Anxiety researchers at George Washington University note, “What we know from psychological science is that uncertainty drives anxiety.” This disease cycle is filled with uncertainty – who is at risk, what measures should be taken, how will my life be impacted, and what plans need to be made or changed.  Another factor is the unfamiliarity. The flu has high fatality rates, but we are familiar with it, which somehow makes us feel a better sense of control. Unfamiliarity coupled with uncertainty is bad enough, but add to it the failed leadership that has been demonstrated. Contradicting messages, misinformation, and inconsistencies in policies has led many to doubt what reassurances are being given by people who should be in the know.  When reassurance rings hollow, anxiety will spike. Missteps by supposed experts create a sense of doubt about the ability of those in charge of controlling the outbreak. And then there is the confusing dialectic of community risk versus personal risk. It is hard for any one of us to hold seemingly conflicting concepts in their mind, the very real risk to a country and the economy compared with the much smaller risk to any one individual.  Mary Alvord, a researcher at George Washington University writes,”We tend to extrapolate the general to ourselves.”

These intersecting factors lead us to an overall sense of powerlessness and vulnerability around the Covid-19 threat.  So, to feel more in control, we go out and buy a year’s supply of toilet paper and kidney beans. (By the way, according to one news report, broccoli is in plenty supply). It makes us feel we’re doing something to protect ourselves.  And that is not a bad thing. Whatever we can do to minimize our sense of the unknown is generally positive, as long as it is based in some reasonableness. We should strive for balance in times like these, and kindness to ourselves and one another.  Keep your routines as much as possible, find sources of information and people who can help you check your facts and try to avoid people or sources who are in a frenzy. Because just like an unseen illness, reactions are contagious. 

I was visiting my brother recently in a suburb of DC and while standing outside in a light jacket, his neighbors were all  telling me they hadn’t really had a winter yet this year. No rain has fallen in Northern California in the entire month of February, normally a time we get our heaviest rains.  While we all felt the pull to take advantage of the sunny and warm weather, I was struck by the number of people saying they felt guilty for enjoying it, because they knew what it meant.  Our climate is changing and our planet is in crisis. It’s hard to feel good in the effect, when the cause is so catastrophic. I notice it everywhere. As people are awakening to the reality of climate change, they feel a sense of doom and helplessness.  It’s become so common and its effects so pronounced, the American Psychological Association put out a 70 page report on the issue of “Eco-anxiety,” its causes, symptoms and ways to manage it. The good news, you are not alone in experiencing it, and the better news is, if managed well, this anxiety may in fact be a part of the solution.

According to a Yale survey conducted in 2018, 70% of Americans are worried about climate change, 29% are very worried, and 51% feel helpless.  (I can’t imagine that in 2020 these numbers are even higher). The thing about it is, that we aren’t necessarily aware of this anxiety, as it lies underneath the surface as we listen to the news and then go about our day.  But as psychologists study the roots of our stresses and concerns, the emergence of this common form of anxiety has emerged. The American Psychological Association defines it as “a chronic fear of environmental doom.” The impact can range from day to day worry, to the fear and panic attacks that natural disaster victims experience after the fact.  Often people feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issue, mindful of their position as just one person on a planet of billions of people, and this leads to feelings of helplessness and depression. Psychology Today describes it as a source of stress caused by “watching the slow and seemingly irrevocable impacts of climate change unfold, and worrying about the future for oneself, children and later generations.”  It adds that people are “deeply affected by feelings of loss, helplessness, and frustration due to their inability to feel like they are making a difference in stopping climate change.” Young people are particularly affected as they feel the inheritors of a damaged ecosystem that was not of their making, and witness the lack of action on the part of our world leaders.

But, kept in check, eco-anxiety may be a good thing.  In the words of 16 year old Greta Thunberg, the young climate activist, “Adults keep saying, we owe it to the young people to give them hope.  But I don’t want your hope. I don’t want you to be hopeful, I want you to panic.” Eco-anxiety is not a mental health disorder. In fact, it seems like a rational response to a really serious problem.  We need to ask, is it more pathological to be very worried about climate change or is it more pathological NOT to be worried about climate change? Anxiety is precisely what can propel us to action. But overly high levels of anxiety or hopelessness can lead to paralysis.  

The antidote to isolating anxiety is taking steps that foster a sense of connection with your environment and your community.  Studies suggest that even small conversations about climate change fears can be helpful in understanding its presence and its impact.  These types of conversations can be followed up with strategies to take action. Joining in on letter writing campaigns, protests, sustainability efforts and the like, all do make a difference both psychologically, but also for the bigger picture.  Duncan Geere, a climate activist and author, suggests that eco-anxiety is the right response to the scale of the challenge. But he holds onto optimism by reminding himself that individuals have never been as powerful as they are in today’s society.  Steps you can take not only benefit you to feel better but can push for changes that will matter: “Firstly, make climate change a factor in the decisions you make around what you eat, how you travel and what you buy. Secondly, talk about climate change with your friends, family, and colleagues.  Finally, demand that politicians and companies make it easier and cheaper to do the right thing for the planet.”

I, too, am to blame for feeling anxious and angry and yet not doing enough about it.  But with the political season upon us, and candidates fighting for our votes, this is a great time to be active and make our voices heard.  We have to believe it is within our power to protect what is left and make a difference to the trajectory of our planet’s delicate systems. I personally believe it is a moral duty and the best thing we can do  to help our children cope with their fears and frustrations. While there is a lot of science telling us how bad the problem is getting, there is also a lot of science telling us that if we can act now, we can indeed make a difference.

I’m writing this post on Valentine’s Day, the holiday about love that’s turned into a day full of pressure for grand gestures and pricey gifting.  Not that I mind getting flowers or having a nice dinner (just a note to my husband), but in contrast, I thought I’d take some time to reflect on a very inexpensive but priceless expression of caring:  A good apology. Done well, it can be a most loving thing to do.  

Ironically, part of what got me thinking about this was the Houston Astros.  After being caught in a cheating scandal, they held a press conference to “apologize.”  The press was full of criticisms today about the unapology that was hidden in the apology.  Indeed, the apology backfired and made the public even more upset about what had happened. I think we all know what it’s like and how hurtful it is to have someone say “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” or “I’m sorry, but…”  An apology that seems more like a rationalization or drips with insincerity can truly make the pain even worse. Insult to injury, I suppose. To be truly effective with apologizing it takes a letting go of your ego. It means you must stop trying to be right and to completely put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  It’s so easy to tell when you’re apologizing to brush the issue under the rug (remember when you were a kid and your parents made you apologize to your sibling) or when you really want to make amends for something. Attitude is everything when you’re making an apology.  

So if your heart’s in the right place and you’re feeling ready, here are some tips based on research for what makes an effective apology (thanks to the researchers at the Greater Good Science Center):

-Acknowledgement.  Take responsibility and show that you recognize what you did and how it hurt.  Be as personal and specific as possible, taking ownership of what mistake you made.  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” rather than “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” “I am sorry that my comment was critical” rather than “I’m sorry for whatever I said.”

–Express your sorry feelings.  Part of why we avoid apologies is the shame or discomfort we feel.  But if you express these feelings, it lets the other person know it mattered to you and you are remorseful on a deep level.  “I’m embarrassed that I lost my temper and feel badly about it.”  

–Provide an explanation rather than an excuse.  Sometimes explaining what happened can show that it was not intentional and that you understand what happened in a way that you are fixing what went wrong.  Explanations that are defensive, or worse yet, put the blame on the person you hurt are not apologies. “You made me so mad,” is different from “I lost my temper.”

–Make amends.  As much as possible, repair what you can.  If you damaged something or lost something tangible, replace what you can.  For less tangible offenses, lay out a step or two that you will take to improve the situation and rebuild trust.  You might agree to call or text if you will be late if that has been a problem, or offer to share more information if a secret was kept. Make sure you ask the offended person what would be helpful to them, rather than doing something simply to relieve our own guilt.

And when you are offered an apology, remember that loving gestures go both ways.  Be gracious. If the person is trying and seems genuine, don’t hold a grudge or make them suffer as punishment.  It’s natural for it to take time to heal when someone hurts you, but giving the silent treatment or making snarky comments is passive aggressive.

And if anyone from the Houston Astros is listening, you can even apologize for a bad apology.  Sharing that you reflected more on a situation is a good thing. Life is a process and growth can take time.  Sometimes a little distance from a situation can give you a new perspective. Sharing this with someone can show them the situation has stayed with you as something you are learning from.  A gift of love such as this would be welcome any day of the year.

Last week the news of Kobe Bryant’s death was a shock to the community.  Whether or not you’re a sport’s fan, the sudden death of someone so well known and people so young grabbed all of our attention in collective grief.  As a psychologist, I couldn’t help but notice people’s reactions and observe our need for community at such times play out in all its forms. Suddenly, as the news appeared on people’s cell phones, all at once I saw people looking up, searching out other people, making eye contact and then starting up conversation.  I heard people chatting in lines at grocery stores and in waiting rooms. Even my normally testosterone filled sports talk radio station had phone lines jammed with people wanting to share their feelings and memories. It was actually a beautiful thing to see how the power of connection can help at such times.

When we go through something traumatic, it helps to have others to validate what seems too unbelievable to actually be true.  We can express our feelings and memories, which helps us process traumatic events and find comfort. We can gather more information to help us understand better what is happening, and sharing in our pain helps us hold it.  We compare our reactions to others which helps us to feel normal, and sharing about it or listening to it over and over helps us take it in something that is overwhelming in manageable smaller pieces. Death and loss can make us feel very alone, in a deep and existential way.  Sharing with others helps ease this sense of isolation.  

Studies show that social isolation and loneliness are associated with both poor mental health as well as physical health.  People who have social support cope with stressors better, have enhanced self esteem, have lower blood pressure and cardiovascular risks, are more likely to engage in health promoting behaviors and generally feel more resilient.  How so? Connecting with others increases the release of hormones that directly reduce our stress. Oxytocin is a hormone which functions to decrease anxiety levels and stimulates our bodies system to calm down (the parasympathetic nervous system).  Spending time with other people directs our energy outward and can distract us from our own pain and make us feel better about ourselves in being able to help others. People who are socially connected feel wanted and cared for which is so important for mental health plus they have people with whom they can talk through their problems and get advice or help.  Time spent with other people also strengthens your sense that life has purpose and meaning, which can be an important factor in coping at times when life has thrown you a curveball.

The good news is that you only need a few people to get these benefits.  And it’s true that quality is much better than quantity. Having a few people that you can really share with is much better than a large number of people that you don’t know very well.  The bad news is that during times of extreme stress, we tend to isolate and withdraw, often times not wanting to be a burden to others. Or, there are times when people pull away from us.  Some people don’t know how to be with people who are hurting or in crisis. Out of ignorance, they pull away, just at the time we may need them the most.

The best thing that can come from tragedy is a great appreciation for those you love.  In the reactions to Kobe’s death, I heard so many people feel the urge to go home and hug their family.  When your life is going well, or well enough, is the best time to be proactive in building your support system.  Successful relationships are mutual. Stay in touch. Reach out to people before you need to make a difficult phone call delivering bad news.  Return calls and e-mails, check in on people regularly. Be a good listener, find out what is important in other people’s lives. Take time to say thank you and be available to other people when you think they need support.  You can also incorporate other people into your life by exercising with them, extending an invitation to just one or two more people, and introducing yourself to a neighbor and other people you may see regularly but never talk to.  

Even when we don’t know what to say, just sitting next to someone can be healing.  Or holding someone’s hand, or eating a meal someone cooked for you. When someone famous dies, and the world is in mourning, it’s a good reminder to think about all the not famous people who are hurting:   a widow wo lost her partner of 60 years, parents who had a miscarriage, a son who is taking care of a parent with Alzheimers. The opportunity for love and connection is truly all around us.  

I had never heard of it before, but my friends, a married couple, told me they were both doing it.  “It’s so hard” they shared with me, but it was making a big difference. It was called the 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge.  The goal is to go 21 days in a row without complaining. As a reminder, you put a bracelet on your wrist and you switch it each time you catch yourself complaining.  When you switch the bracelet, your 21 days resets, meaning you’re on Day 1 again. Sound easy? Hah! The furthest I’ve gotten in two weeks is Day 3. But already I have noticed a change for the better.

The founder of this 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge is Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister.  In 2006, while giving a series of talks, he noticed how much people focused on what they didn’t have or didn’t like. He was concerned about the negative impact on people and in their relationships.  He came up with the challenge as an experiment explaining his rationale that word choice determines thought choice, which in turn determines emotions and actions. The reason for the goal of 21 days?  That is the length of time research shows it generally takes to change a habit. And complaining is much more of a habit then you realize, as those of us undertaking the challenge are finding out.  

My own experience has shown me how often I react with a complaint or use it to start a conversation.  “It’s so frustrating,” I might say to my friend and then complain of something I’m annoyed by, expecting this other person to join in.  Bowen posits there are five main reasons that people complain. The first reason may be simply to get attention, hoping to be noticed and validated.  The second reason may be to avoid taking responsibility about why something won’t work out, blaming some other person or cause. A third reason may be to make us feel better.  By putting someone else down, we feel superior. The fourth reason he suggests is an attempt to gain power, pulling people in to support our perspective. And finally, the fifth reason Bowen suggests is to excuse bad performance.  It is the past tense version of avoiding taking responsibility. We create stories that deflect from our own failure or missteps. Together, he creates this handy acronym: GRIPE (get attention responsibility, inspire envy, power and excuse).

A complaint, as defined by Will Bowen, is “to express grief, pain or discontent.”  Fortunately for me, in his view, a complaint must be spoken, by definition, and does not include our negative thinking.  It also does not include speaking directly to (and only to) a person who can directly resolve or help you resolve your problem (telling a server at a restaurant if something is wrong with your order is not a complaint, for example.). Complaining is any time you gossip, complain, or criticize out loud.  The effect of my Complaint Free Challenge time so far is pretty powerful. I have become much more aware of my negativity. I am noticing how much of a reflex saying something negative can be. The Challenge is indeed helping me let go of a negative thought and reframing it with something more positive. Already, although I am only getting a few days in a row, I do feel I am thinking differently.  I can see that with time, if and when I make it to 21 days, I will indeed have trained and conditioned myself to be more positive. And if testimonials of hundreds of thousands of people on his 21 Day Challenge Website are true, this will have the effect of creating both a greater sense of appreciation and happiness within myself, but also for the people around me.  

If you want to read more about the Challenge, Will Bowen has a website (willbowen.com) and book, A Complaint Free World.  He even sells little purple rubber bracelets you can use as your reminder.  (I don’t look good in purple, so I’m using one of my own bracelets – uh oh, switch wrists?)  If my own experience and what I hear from my friends and people online is any indication, it’s really hard but worthwhile to take the challenge. And if it makes us feel any better, Bowen reports that it takes the average person eight months to make it the 21 days of complaint free living!!

Will Bowen:  “Complaining is like bad breath — you notice it when it comes out of someone else’s mouth, but not when it comes out of your own.”  (Yes, he seems like a character. Not a complaint.)

For the first post of 2020, the beginning or end of the decade depending on your point of view, I thought I would open with a bit of inspiration for changing your mood, and with it maybe even society, for the better.  I came across an article about a concept I hadn’t heard before, but thankfully have experienced. It came from a Professor at the University of Virginia who, ironically, spent his career studying the experience of disgust.  He found social situations were powerful inducers of a sense of disgust, such as when you see someone behave in a way that is cruel or hypocritical. Our reactions to this feeling are protective in nature. We withdraw and become more guarded as a means of self protection.  But after years of studying this reaction of repulsion, Dr. Haidt began to wonder about the opposite. What happens when you see someone do something altruistic?  

It turns out there’s a unique and measurable experience that happens to us when we witness what is described as moral beauty and that this experience is widely known across cultures and historical times.  It is the “warm, uplifting feeling that people experience when they see unexpected acts of goodness, kindness, courage, or compassion,” according to Dr. Haidt, and he called the experience “elevation.” The experience of elevation is often surprising and brings with it a sense of joy.  But it’s also a unique experience that differs from feelings of happiness, in that elevation elicits a good feeling about the world and other people, elicits a unique physical experience of a warm, tingly sensation in the chest, and makes people feel more open to other people and want to be helpful themselves.  

In fact, studies show that when people are “happy,” they are more likely to engage in more self-focused or internal pursuits, while people experiencing “elevation” turned their attention toward others and expressed a desire to become better people.  Other studies seem to suggest that elevation may increase the amount of oxytocin circulating in our bodies by stimulating the hormone’s release. Oxytocin is the hormone associated with attachment and bonding. This may be the physiological mechanism underlying elevation’s powerful effect when we can be thrilled or even moved to tears by witnessing acts of kindness and feel a warm glow for a period of time afterward.  And other researchers have found that the higher the sense of elevation, the more motivated and the more actual follow through there is in actually engaging in prosocial behaviors.

In reflecting on the data, researchers believe we are in fact wired to be inspired, as they say.  The fact that we can be so responsive to the good deeds of others, even when we don’t benefit directly, is a really positive aspect of human nature.  Haidt notes that a particularly interesting aspect of elevation is its social benefit, which is the power to spread. When people are elevated, they tend to share the story of what moved them, which in turn elevates others.  When an elevation story is told well it is contagious. Powerful moments of elevation, whether experienced first hand or second hand, appear “to push a mental “reset” button, wiping out feelings of cynicism and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, optimism,” he writes.

I feel so lucky in that I am surrounded by acts that inspire elevation on a daily basis.  Working at a health center dedicated to serving the underserved exposes me to doctors, nutritionists, administrators, mental health workers, medical assistants, and even maintenance workers who could make more money in private industry but are dedicated to a mission.  The mission and culture seem to inspire everyone to serve our patients in a respectful and giving way. I knew that I was fortunate to be around such smart and dedicated people, but reading about elevation helps me understand how the culture continues despite the setbacks of budget cuts, changes in the healthcare system, and stressful schedules.  When one of us is having a bad day, the giving spirit of someone else carries us through and picks us up.

Of course we all have our moments of disgust and despair, but it gives me great hope to think how good deeds inspire others to engage in good deeds.  We all have the ability to elevate one another. There is great benefit to ourselves and to society in appreciating and sharing about all the good that is happening around us.  While watching the nightly news may bring me down, a good deed story may in fact be more powerful to lift me up. Sharing the good may be exponentially good for all of us.

Last night was the first night of Chanukah, which celebrates the Jews defeating Syrian-Greek oppressors who had tried forcing them to abandon their religion and adopt Greek culture.  Led by Judah Maccabee, they recaptured the holy temple in Jerusalem. When arriving there they found only enough olive oil to light the holy eternal flame for one night, but it lasted miraculously for eight nights, giving them time to replenish it.  Hence, the holiday is known as the “Festival of Lights.” Ultimately, to me this is a story about resilience: the little drop of oil that persevered for eight nights and the people who persevered in recapturing their temple and continuing their faith.

With the New Year approaching this is a perfect time to think about resilience.  In reflecting on the past year, most of us lament about the goals we didn’t achieve and the ways we didn’t measure up.  Then in drawing up resolutions for next year, we continue the theme of harping on everything we failed at and pledge to correct them all.  But what about all the things we did right? What about all the small and big challenges that we overcame, both daily and throughout the year?  Some years the wind is in your favor and you can travel far downstream. But some years the headwinds are so strong you may paddle your little heart out and seem like you didn’t get anywhere at all. We can miss the resilience and success in keeping yourself from having been blown off course.  

Resilience is defined by the US Department of Health and Human Services as “the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversity and stress.”  Resilience is about using coping strategies to maintain, return to, or possibly even mature in your mental health and well being. I am sure if you think about your 2019, you will discover many ways in which you were quite successful in overcoming hardships.  In case you are having trouble, here are a few elements that researchers have found that contribute to resilience.

-Optimism:  staying positive about the future even when faced with big obstacles

-Altruism:  helping others is a way to boost your mood and sense of efficacy

– Moral compass: holding on to a set of beliefs about what is right and wrong -Humor: laughing at your own misfortune

-Social Supports: allowing yourself to be vulnerable and stay connected  

-Facing Fear: being willing to leave your comfort zone and confront their fear  

-Meaning in Life:  having a sense of purpose allows us to persevere  

-Training: receiving feedback and using it to improve, having a growth mindset  

Now pat yourself on the back for getting through, raise a glass and toast your perseverance, and applaud your ability to overcome all that you did.  You have had many successes this year, so give yourself credit for how you got by. And perhaps in setting goals for 2020, you can resolve to highlight and enhance your skills in resilience.  It truly will be the gift that keeps on giving!!

As the days get shorter, darker, and colder this time of year, animals take the clue and hibernate.  So why do we get busier and insist on decking our halls? Why do we shop till we drop and insist on fa-la-la-la-la?  Our natural inclination tells us to slow down and withdraw, but our cultural expectations and hence our personal expectations are quite the opposite.  Seems like a set up to me.

Most people find it hard to get motivated this time of year and with the darkness comes the desire to just go home and retreat.  The skies are grey and cloudy, the sunlight is low in the sky, and plants and trees are in their cycle of dormancy. The trees lose their leaves and the cold weather slows things down and causes us to seek shelter.  It is the natural order of death before rebirth. Similarly, rather than trying to fight it, we too might mirror this environmental process psychologically. Winter can be a time to honor darkness and to journey deep within to reflect, restore, and nourish ourselves internally.  The winter solstice is a powerfully symbolic time. The sun metaphorically dies on the longest darkest night of the year, and is reborn the next day to begin its journey to the summer solstice. The time before the winter solstice is an opportunity for grieving, acknowledging what’s been lost, and letting go.  By accepting and embracing our sorrows we can heighten our awareness of other’s pain and deepen our compassion toward others by means of thee compassion we show ourselves.

Celebrating darkness is not about celebrating evil, but uncovering the depths of who we are.  When we allow ourselves to go within, we can discover parts of ourselves the light has never touched.  We can find seeds of potential that have been dormant waiting for nourishment. The darkness can offer a peaceful time to attend to our souls and work on relating better to parts of our selves and to relationships that live within us as memories of people we have lost.  This is rich work that can heal and replenish us if we allow ourselves the time and space.

Ironically, in contrast to the natural world, our cultural traditions run counter to this quiet time of reflection.  Shops are open 24 hours, music blares, and stressful obligations seem to rule the day. Not that I mean to be a ba-hum-bug scrooge, but I have been thinking more about giving ourselves the chance to slow down and find more balance.  I, myself, as well as many people I talk to, feel obligated to fight the urge to withdraw at this time of year and experience “holiday blues.” WIth the expectation that we should feel happy joyous, and merry, our inclination to retreat feels like there is something wrong with us.  But maybe there is nothing wrong with us. Maybe what is wrong is our frenetic insistence on pushing ourselves to do the very opposite of what seems to be calling? Maybe we could learn to find peace within our calm and even within our sorrow. Embracing darkness just may be what is needed to clear a path for the rebirth that inevitably comes with the return of the light.