I was thinking about all the young people graduating this Spring, coming from a strange year of Covid isolation and home schooling out into the big wide world.  And then I was talking to both of my daughters, one recently graduated and the other still in college.  Each was strongly affected by the isolation of the pandemic, relying gratefully on a few engaged professors or workplace mentors to make their way in unfamiliar, yet intensely complex landscapes.  It got me thinking about the power of connection and the need for mentors, not just any mentor, but reliable, trustworthy and compassionate ones.  Especially in a year of declining mental health in our young people and soaring rates of anxiety, the power of just one person with experience and integrity can be monumental.

When our kids are young, we worry about who their friends are, if their teachers and coaches will be good role models and support our values, and, hopefully, try to be good role models ourselves.  But as they get older, they naturally move in larger circles and have new authority figures and people who influence their lives in important ways that we know nothing about.  It takes a great leap of faith to trust that these influencers will have our young people’s best interests in mind and if they will offer the kind of support that will help them grow.  Research strongly demonstrates the benefits of having good mentorship in lowering rates of absenteeism and isolation and increasing self confidence and career engagements and promotions.  And research also supports the benefits of a mentoring relationship on mentors, who showed greater job satisfaction and reduced anxiety as a result of providing mentorship.  Clearly mentoring has a positive influence on both parties.  But what about when it is not?  Research also shows the detrimental effects when we feel taken advantage of or mistreated by a person with great influence.  It can have a long lasting effect to shut down young minds and curtail developing ambitions.  

And you don’t have to be young to have the need for good mentorship!  Just this week my boss expressed a compliment for something I didn’t think he had noticed about my work. I was surprised at how much it meant to me and the impact it had on my sense of self at work. Especially in this difficult year, working in the isolation of one room in my own home without the benefit of others to bounce ideas off of or from whom to get a reality check with, it’s at times completely crazy making.  In this atmosphere of isolation, we’re left alone with our own fears and insecurities growing unchallenged inside our minds.  The intimacy of mentorship breaks this self fulfilling loop and allows us to practice expressing our thoughts and test our ideas in the light of day before we act on them.  We get feedback and support as well as a person invested in our success.  How often did we all assume that the people on our screens were better informed or were judging us in some way?  How hard was it to read the intentions or feedback from an audience of two dimensional images who frequently froze up or couldn’t hear or see us?  Zoom fatigue is a common phenomenon, even for those with years of experience and confidence in their social skills.  It’s been a minefield for young people trying to find their voice and their place among their peers.

I will be forever grateful for the people who have and will guide and support my children, no matter their ages.  And for the people who guide and support me, no matter my age!  It’s truly a pay it forward process of giving and receiving throughout our lives.  Nobody makes it on their own, we all have help and people who came before us as our guides. And we all have a sphere of influence, no matter our age or our roles in life, with which we can offer others support and connection.  I can’t imagine a better time to reach out to someone as we come out from behind our screens and step into life once again.

This past weekend my mother in law turned 80. The timing was perfect for most family members to be vaccinated so we could gather together to celebrate. While strugglng with some back issues that have slowed her down of late, she is a person who I feel confident will have many more years of joyful living ahead of her. She is truly one of the most optimistc people I know and will embrace each year as a blessing. Watching her raise her glass to toast her life got me thinking aout all the benefits, both psychologically and physically, that come with being such an optimist.

Research has consistently linked optimism and overall health and longevity.  Optimistic thinkers have lower rates of hypertension, heart disease, lower cancer risks, and lower rates of overall mortality.  One large study published in 2019 (research from Harvard and Boston University) determined that optimists have a life span 11% to 15% longer than average and are more likely to live to age 85 or older!  And this statistic holds true regardless of socioeconomic status, health conditions, depression, social integration, and healthy habits.  One reason believed to underlie this trend is that optimists, when faced with a situation, believe that they can change the outcome, therefore engaging in more proactive behavior in response to a negative experience or diagnosis.

Optimists also tend to have long lasting relationships as well.  According to studies at Stanford University, this holds true even if only one member of the relationship is an optimist.  Optimism leads to a greater sense of perceived support from a partner, which helps couples feel an investment in resolving conflicts.  Optimists also seemed to have the effect of making their partner’s more optimistic and helped their partners be healthier.  Even in work relationships, optimists have better job security and higher job satisfaction. And when faced with hardship or setbacks, optimists tend to bounce back faster and use it to recommit to a goal.

So when reading all of these benefits, if you’re feeling pessimistic about your optimism, here is some good news.  Optimism is a trait that can be learned and developed.  According to Kings College of London, only 25% of optimism is based on inherited factors.  According to research on positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania (go Quakers), anyone can learn to become more optimistic.  Researchers from Penn as well as Johns Hopkins offer these tips to improve your outlook.  Smile more.  Smiling, even fake smiling, reduces heart rate and blood pressure during stressful situations and increases your sense of well being.  Reframe.  When you are in a difficult situation, see if you can find the silver lining.  For example when stuck in traffic, instead of focusing on what you can’t control, think of what the time can offer you, such as listening to some new music or calling a friend (using blue tooth of course).  Have a learning mindset.  Think of challenges and hardships as opportunities for learning and growth.  Gratitude.  Each day take notice of the good things you have in your life, no matter how small.   

It helps to think of optimism as less of a fixed personality and more of a mindset or thinking habit.  At first it may seem like work to shift from the negative to the positive, but with practice, you can indeed look at the full half of the glass instead of the empty half.  And in time, perhaps we can become more like my mother in law, Enid.  Not only will you notice the full half of the glass, but you will drink it up and refill it again and again.

I used to feel a bit of heartache when my mother would buy me a carrot cake each year for my birthday.  Because I had liked it as a kid, she continued to believe it was my favorite.  She never asked me if my preference had changed over the many years and I never felt it was right to correct her.  But now that she’s gone, I often find myself craving carrot cake on every occasion she’s no longer here with me to celebrate.  I miss having that person who not only remembered what I liked as a child, but who so stubbornly sought to preserve her role in taking care of me in that special motherly way.

A mother’s love is complicated.  From my own experience as a daughter and from what hours of working with many young people has taught me, most sons and daughters long to be seen and accepted by their mothers for who they are.  And what seems like such a simple thing to offer your child, whom you adore and would give your life for, however, ends up being so difficult, ripe with misunderstanding and disappointment, potentially leading to years of quiet sorrow.  In living through my own trials and failures in parenting, I have come to appreciate the truly impossible task of clearing out your own opinions, desires, and perspectives in order to be the all loving, all knowing, and all accepting mother figure we like to think we could be.

As mothers, to begin with, we were born and grew up in a completely different generation than our children.  The world was so different politically and socially than what our children experience, it’s impossible to know what it is like for them.  And some mother’s even come from a very different culture or country, with language and nuances of meaning being a further barrier to understanding.  On top of this we have our own ideas and beliefs about what being a good mother is.  Often this agenda is born from a desire to correct what we felt was missing in our own childhood.  While this desire is noble in its intention, it may miss the mark of what is currently needed.  Since it’s based on a distant past, it becomes a blindspot to what is presently real and tips the balance of our perceptions to what we want to see and feel about ourselves as mothers rather than what our children want and experience of us.  And in our own efforts to protect our sons and daughters from mistakes, we may deny them opportunities for their own growth and decision making in the process.

And then there’s the most challenging thing of all as a mother – our role is constantly changing. As our kids grow, we’re continuously saying goodbye to how things were, letting go of how we understood everything about them, little by little, day by day, absorbing the grief and trying to stay open to a new way of relating.  But it’s hard to let go of being that most important person to our child!  Perhaps we mom’s hold on to our view of our daughters and sons when they were young because it reminds us of a time we had the power to know what they liked, fix what was hurting them, and be assured of our special place in their heart.  They needed us and we liked being needed.

And so now I cherish the carrot cake.  I understand it as my mother’s way of holding on to who she was to me when I was younger.  It’s hard to share our children with the world, even if we know it’s for the best. I truly miss having that person who knew my entire history and from this unique bond, thought she would always know what I wanted because at one point when I was younger I did, indeed, very much like carrot cake.  And that memory mattered to her even more than the cake.  And now that I have the perspective, thank goodness, it also now matters to me more, as well.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the power of images this week.  The sight of George Floyd on the ground with a knee on his neck will forever haunt me, as it does a nation.  Nothing captured my heart regarding global warming like the image of a starving polar bear in an article posted on Earth Day.  While statistics and charts actually relay more information, they just can’t move us the way an image can.  As it is said, a picture is worth a thousand words.  But what is it that makes an image so effectively grab our hearts and our imagination?

We are very visual beings, in fact a large percentage of our brain is dedicated to visual processing.  Images draw our attention and we process images so quickly, we’re not even consciously aware of it most of the time.  When we see a picture we can recognize a familiar object within 100 milliseconds and we can recognize a face within 380 milliseconds.  Our brains are wired to react to images, as quick processing of visual information would have benefited our ancestors in gathering food and hunting or providing information about a threat or danger.  Images that evoke emotions are given high priority in our central nervous system as a way of avoiding danger or tending to loved ones, both critical for survival.

In studying our emotional responses to images, psychologists have discovered a phenomena that is particularly powerful in capturing our attention and our empathy.  It is called the “identifiable victim effect,” and refers to research showing that we humans respond most intensely to images of an individual victim.  It is explained that in order to feel the tragedy, we must identify with an individual person (or even animal) experiencing it.  In doing so, it becomes personal.  There is a saying that one death is a tragedy, one million deaths is a statistic.  According to psychologist Paul Slovic, “The mind is very much geared to respond to a single person in need – whether it’s ourselves or a single person in front of us.”  In one study, Slovic and his collaborators put volunteers in an MRI scanner and watched how they made decisions about donating money to orphans in need.  They found that subjects chose to donate much more when they saw a photograph of a particular child than if they were presented with names.  The researchers found the extra generosity was attributable to increased activity in the nucleus accumbens, a brain area associated with pleasure and reward.  They concluded that images have a special power to generate the identifiable victim effect by triggering arousal in the brain.

History shows many examples of this effect.  Certain photographs have made a difference in changing people’s attitudes and behaviors in historic ways.  An image of a nine year old Vietnamese girl running after being burned by a napalm attack is credited with changing public opinion that helped to end the Vietnam War.  Another example is the photo of a Syrian boy whose body had washed up on a beach that captured the world’s attention to focus on the Syrian refugee crisis.  The Obama Administration began to protect African lions under the American Endangered Species Act when images of the lion “Cecil” were posted after being killed by an American hunter. The commonality of these photographs and others like them are that they show an individual victim.  In some way, in viewing individuals, we are able to see them in their vulnerability and are moved.  We are more likely to experience emotions when we focus on a single tragedy than when we feel overwhelmed by a large mass of people.

As we view body camera images from police officers involved in shootings and cell phone images taken by bystanders, we can now be witnesses to what used to happen in private.  These images not only illicit emotional outcry but can serve to bring accountability if we use them for justice.  Images are a way of showing the world what happened and preserving the story in its rawness.  With that, images are powerful agents of change.  And with any tool of such great power, we need to use them carefully.  Images can mislead if not given the appropriate context or can exploit subjects by those who own the power of the image. So when our hearts are opened by an image, we need to also use our heads.  Images can provide emotional motivation, but it’s the thoughtful commitment to action in response to our emotional reaction that creates lasting substantial change.

As one of my client’s put it this week, “The good news is I got my vaccine and soon things will be back to normal.  But the bad news is I got my vaccine and soon things will go back to normal.”  What she talked about is exactly what I think a lot of people are feeling right now.  That after over a year of being isolated and in various forms of lock down, it’s kind of scary to go back to the hustle and bustle of life.  Even if there are things we couldn’t wait to do, longed to do, even dreamed of doing, it’s a bit awkward to come out of our cocoons again.  It’s a natural part of being human.  We adapted when things locked down, and now we must adapt to things opening up and re-enter the world of driving in traffic, eating at restaurants, going to gyms, and maybe even a movie theater.

I’ve been working at home for over a year now.  Since my co-workers are mostly all vaccinated, my boss asked me to come into the Health Center to give a training to front line staff members.  Although I’ve worked at my Center for over 6 years, I was nervous!  I couldn’t sleep the night before, I left the house super early so I wouldn’t be late, I worried I wouldn’t know where to park or where the office they wanted me to work from was, and worried about who I would know and how things had changed.  And as I pulled up and used my ID Badge (which took me time to find) it all felt so familiar and yet so strange.  

For many people, the slower more isolated life was actually more comfortable.  Especially people I know who have some anxiety or social phobia tendencies.  The longer they’ve been away from social interactions and venturing out of the house, the harder it feels to go back.  And things have changed, there are new rules and new protocols that make us nervous about going somewhere familiar that is now unfamiliar.  It’s been an extremely stressful year with a lot to be anxious about, so most of us have been anxious in some way for a long time.  We worked to cope by finding joys in small things, mostly more quiet and calm, that we found solace in.  It’s hard to think of suddenly letting go of our safety nets and rushing out to embrace the wide world again.  I have heard so many parents complain about their kids acting out and not wanting to go back to school.  Especially for children, the last year has been a big portion of their young lives!

In examining this re-entry phenomena (a term often used to describe soldiers coming back from war or explorers coming back from an expedition), Julia Samuel, author of This Too Shall Pass writes:  “Most of us have an uncomfortable relationship with change because familiarity gives us a false sense of security and control – its an evolutionary defense mechanism.”  It took a lot of effort to get ourselves used to a strange world of Zoom calls and social distancing, reading facial expressions behind masks and finding new things to do on Saturday nights.  It’s unreasonable to expect that we can just jump right back into the life of our old social selves again without discomfort.  For one thing, we aren’t the same people we were before the pandemic began.  According to one study by the UCL, only 9% of people surveyed planned to return to living exactly as we did before COVID hit.  Many have re-evaluated aspects of life and how we want to live it. There is no way that we can go through the experience of having life so suddenly shut down without forever being changed by this effect on our perceptions of predictability and vulnerability.

So be easy on yourself and take it slow.  It helps to acknowledge your anxiety as a first step to taking back some control.  Plan some small outings with people you tend to feel safe with or places you have enjoyed and felt comfortable.  Ease yourself back into life and note what felt good and what was uncomfortable for you.  Keep doing these small things until they become much less stressful before you move on to bigger outings or larger gatherings.  It will be much easier to get overstimulated as you are re-entering, so don’t expect yourself to make up for lost time by making too many plans or promises.

If I take a step back, it’s almost amusing at how many of the simplest skills I have to relearn!  I’ve had a lockdown wardrobe that is pretty much a comfort based selection and a routine that moves much more slowly.  I forgot what outfits I used to wear to go out, what jewelry was my go to, what route I took to get to the coffee shop and what to say to people even in the simplest of circumstances.  It just shows how our brains work that after so many years of my life, after just one year of doing it a different way, I have unlearned so much!  But the good news is generally how easily it will come back.  I did feel a great sense of relief after my day at work, knowing the next time will be easier.  In fact, I’m planning to ask if I can book office space (the medical staff are now using most of the offices to socially distance with patients) once a week, just to build up my professional muscle again.  This muscle has definitely gotten a bit soft in the past year, working from the comfort of home with my kitten sitting in my lap all day.  If only there was a way to take him with me as my re-entry emotional support animal!

My last post left us in the Action Stage (Stage 5) where we had finally made our change.  But no matter what you’re trying to do, if the change you’re making is challenging, you will have slip ups.  That’s precisely why Stage 6, Relapse, is actually considered a stage of change, because it’s such a natural part of  the long term process of change.  Although it’s listed as the final stage in the Transtheoretical Model, the model is actually a circle, where Relapse flows directly back into Stage 1.  This circular shape is in recognition of the continual cycle of falling off and then getting back up on the change horse, so to speak. Change will always have its ups and downs and backs and forths. Today’s post is about how to cope with relapse in order to minimize its detrimental effect on your long term goals.  In other words, how not to give up after a setback!

In most cases, it’s not the relapse behavior itself that is so costly, but the negative effect of the relapse on your self esteem and confidence.  After a backslide into old behavior, it’s natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, and like you’re a failure.  But it’s these exact feelings that actually perpetuate the relapse behavior, research indicates.  People get so down on themselves, they give up, labeling themselves as too weak or too lazy, or some other character flaw that is permanent.  This negativity actually fuels the relapse behavior, as you get into an “Oh, **** it” mindset and punish yourself with harsh self criticism.  This continued self criticism further sinks you down into the dark hole of relapse.  

The biggest factor in how well people overcome a relapse incident or episode is how quickly they can get back on track.  The longer the old behavior continues, the harder it is to get out from under its grip.  An important factor is your perception of your relapse and what you attribute it to.  If you declare it happened because you are a no-good loser who will never be able to be successful, it will be harder to get back on track.  If, however, you attribute it to a bad choice, a stressful event without the proper coping tools available, or a slip due to a temporary situation you can keep the problem to a fixable solution rather than a character flaw that dooms you.

When and if you do have a relapse, try to distance yourself from it as if you were a scientist investigating a problem.  Create reasonable hypotheses regarding what happened by looking at the evidence, such as what triggered the behavior, what coping was needed, and what could have prevented the behavior from happening.  As best you can, develop a rational explanation to counter your emotional self sabotage. Begin to problem solve and plan for the future. Understanding what happened is about creating forgiveness so that you can let go and move on, not about making an excuse so that you can keep going in your relapse.  Think of relapse as a good time to evaluate your self care.  We tend to be most vulnerable to slipping back into old habits when we are stressed, tired, lonely, depressed, or too busy to be thinking about our values and our choices.  Sometimes it helps to think about emotional relapse as separate from the actual relapse behavior.  When we stop caring about ourselves, we emotionally give up and slip into circumstances that make us more likely to engage in the behavior we have been careful to avoid.  In AA there is a saying, you take your first drink before it ever crosses your lips.  Warning signs might be isolation, avoidance, rationalizing, and romanticising how life used to be.

And this is how we get back to the beginning, by reaffirming our need and desire for a change, reassessing our motivation and our skills.  Try to use your relapse as good energy to recommit yourself rather than a drain on your energy in self punishment.  While relapse is never pleasant or desired, by incorporating it as a part of the change process, you can take the powerful sting out of it that may lead you to give up.  If it’s planned for and an expected part of the process, it makes it easier to move past it.  Letting go of shame is critical to moving into a recommitment.  This is why it’s often important to tell someone about your setback, airing it out in a way that tends to take the secrecy and darkness out of the incident.  It also allows you to gather support and guidance in getting back on track.

After a relapse incident, it’s often a good idea to write a letter to yourself about what happened.  It helps to clarify how you are feeling and to let go of the negativity.  It’s also a great reminder of what it feels like to be in the situation.  There is nothing better than reading your own words to remind yourself about the pain of relapse as a tool to keep it from happening again!  For example, now that I am older, I motivate myself to keep moving by remembering how hard it is to get back into shape!   It’s often the thought of what it takes to start over that can keep us from having the need for it.  So think of your Relapse Stage as an opportunity for learning.  Like most things psychological, the more you can name it, the better you can tame it!

RELAPSE (stage 6) – reengaging in old behavior pattern. Task: Learning from relapse what will help deter or minimize a relapse the next time.

So congratulations! We did it! In my last post we took Action and made our change after time spent avoiding, deliberating, and preparing. And now we are in Stage 5, the Maintenance Stage. Sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Just maintain, keep the status quo, as if the work is done. But unfortunately, as we all know from past attempts at change, it ain’t all that easy. The Maintenance Stage is hardly a passive “just keep it up” phase. It actually involves a lot of work and a continued hypervigilance to avoiding the dreaded relapse. So in this post, we’ll take a look at some strategies to keeping on keeping on.

Maintainers must learn to successfully navigate temptation.  It helps to remind yourself of the progress you’ve made and acknowledge the time that’s gone by as a way of keeping the momentum.  Mark milestones, such as days of the new pattern – the first week, the first month, etc.  Reminding yourself of the work already put in helps to avoid the temptation to break the chain.  It’s also important to remind yourself of the importance of the change, as this may tend to fade over time.  Keeping tangible reminders of the meaning and significance of your change can be good motivation.  Sometimes just having a bracelet with a word on it, posting a list of why you are changing on your desk, or having a meaningful photo in your line of site can be a good pick me up at a low point.   

Maintainers need to be adaptable. You must be able to reformulate the rules of living and acquire new skills as needed to deal with unexpected challenges as they present themselves.  For example, a vacation or a change in routine can throw you a curveball.  In order to maintain a change, it requires planning ahead, anticipating where you will most likely face challenges, and then coming up with workable strategies to adapt to them. You might need to pack some of your own food, some coping tools (such as a book, a knitting project, or other distractions), or do some research about resources that will be available in your new environment.  For example, you may want to find a place you can go to get exercise or attend an AA meeting on a trip. Whatever the need is, to maintain your change, how can you take care of you in your new situation? 

Maintaining requires a lot of patience with yourself, as it takes time to let go of old habits and replace them with new ones.  It can be discouraging when you’ve stuck to a plan for so long to  be so easily pulled into desires that you thought you had put behind you.  There are some definite warning signs to look out for in order to Maintain.  Beware of the word “just.”  It usually represents some sort of way you are trying to fool yourself.  “I can have just one cigarette,” or “I can skip my medication just for a few days,” are some examples of how our own mind can play tricks on us!  Just really?  And also beware of romanticizing your old behavior.  “Remember when I drank tequila?  I was so funny!”  Or “I was able to get so much more done when I went to bed at 2 am.”  You tend to remember a distorted image and forget what led you to need to make the change in the first place.  It wasn’t worth the cost, whatever the habit was, as you had decided to make a change.  Remind yourself about the flip side of the coin and why you had decided the old way didn’t work.  

And finally, Maintaining requires assertiveness skills.  There will be countless people who will pressure you to go back to your old habit.  “Oh, you don’t like my cooking?” or “Come on join us, what’s the harm.”  It can be hard to say no and risk feeling like you are rejecting someone or refusing a kind gesture.  But Maintenance involves a commitment to yourself.  It involves internalizing permission to put what you determine is healthiest for you above what someone else may want.  Maintainers have to navigate how to set boundaries that are flexible enough to get along in the world, but firm enough to keep true to their goals.  See what I mean?  Maintaining is indeed a lot of work, but the good news is, you get a big reward.  Not only do you get the change you desired, but you get the confidence and pride that comes along with being successful at it!

Maintenance (Stage 5) – having reached a goal now taking steps to maintain it Primary Task:  Developing necessary skills to keep the change and avoid relapse

So, after all the thinking, considering, avoiding, and then making plans in the process of change, the time comes when you are ready to take Action.  Stage 4 of the Transtheoretical Model is all about that first plunge into actual behavior change and beginning the journey to accomplish your goals.  But as many people find in Stage 4, finally taking the leap may come with some surprises, and this week’s post is about how to help you begin your actual change with the highest chance of continued success.  

Often the build up to change is so filled with anxiety that finally doing something may actually bring a bit of relief.  For so long you may have avoided a change, constantly living with the fear it would be too difficult to maintain and/or that you wouldn’t be able to do it at all.  Often people find that when they do make the change, it feels pretty good.  For example, many people who want to quit smoking or drinking feel tremendous anxiety about what a nicotine or alcohol free life will be like.  They imagine all sorts of scenarios involving attempts in the past that had gone awry.  The anticipation of how bad it will be is itself really uncomfortable.  So by the time they actually have their first taste of smoke free or alcohol free living it feels better to actually face it than to worry about it.

One strategy that may be useful is to pick a start date.  Quite often people moving into the Action Stage are too nervous to commit. Fearing failure, they try to ease into it, by saying things like, “tomorrow I’m going to try to go the whole day without a cigarette.”  Human nature being what it is, we leave ourselves too much wiggle room for the ambivalence we have been fending off to sneak back in.  After a few days of “trying” but not fully committing, we unfortunately prove to ourselves that we can’t do it.  So picking a start date is a very important psychological step to cementing our commitment and calling in all the coping when we reach that milestone.  A start date provides the structure to your plan and signals that the beginning of your new way of being has completely begun. 

Once you take the action toward your goal, reward yourself and congratulate yourself.  Reinforcement and support are extremely important in maintaining the confidence and motivation required in a change.  Use the people who you had identified as support people and let them know what is helpful. The Action Stage typically involves making some kind of public commitment to your change.  People may notice you doing things differently or you may have to announce it.  Declining an offer of a drink,  dessert, or a cigarette can feel uncomfortable at first.  You may find yourself awkwardly explaining or even in the role of needing to make an excuse for suddenly being different than other people, especially in your social circle.  It’s important not to feel you have to justify yourself or make others feel better.  Each of us are entitled to make our own choices and your change is not a comment on other people’s habits.  

Depending on the goals you set in the Contemplation Stage and the plans you made in the Preparation Stage, the Action Stage can be either a series of small steps or one big life change.  It may feel strange or even empty to be living without a habit or way of life that you have done for so long.  And while the initial success may be exciting, it may take time to see the long term desired results.  It is natural to have a period of grieving and a transition time to adjust to a new normal.  Identifying effective ways of coping with stress are crucial during this action phase. Of course the better prepared you were with your plan, the easier it tends to be, but you will inevitably encounter circumstances you had not prepared for.  Don’t be afraid to continue to ask for help and to problem solve and tweek your plan as needed.  Sometimes we need a little extra help to break through a barrier or to face an unexpected road block.  

Repetition is one way to help in the early stage of Action.  Doing the same thing each day tends to help make any change a new habit more quickly.  Reviewing your list of motivations each morning and your successes each evening is a good way to keep in touch with your goals and what you may need to help support yourself.  

Often the fear of failure keeps us from wanting to tell people we are making a change.  But by not telling anyone, you rob yourself of their support. And you will need it.  Because at some point during the Action Stage, the realization will  kick in that not only do you have to do this new change today, but you may in fact have to keep doing it every day.  And this, my friend will tend to bring a bit of shock and fatigue and even regret.  But have no fear, my dear change agents in action, this will be a perfect sign that you are moving into the next stage…Maintenance. A sure indicator you are creating success!

Action: Taking steps toward change but hasn’t stabilized in the process 

Primary Task:  Help implement change strategies and learn to eliminate potential relapse

So, you’ve gone through the process of deliberation and have decided change is needed and/or desired.  Now that the scale has tipped toward making change, the topic of this post is how to get ready.  Stage 3, or the Preparation Stage, is all about the plan.  It’s easy to underestimate the importance of this stage, as it tends to be the quickest of the stages, as Preparers are on the verge of and are motivated for change.  But having the right strategy for change is so important for success and if not done well, can undermine your efforts and quickly zap both your confidence and motivation.

While Preparers still experience ambivalence, the quality of this is more along the lines of not whether change is needed, but if it will be possible.  Preparers are eager, but wrestle with fears and self doubt.  They tend to start making small changes to prepare for the bigger change and can be excited or discouraged based on how these smaller steps go. For example, they may switch to lower fat foods if the goal is weight loss, or begin smoking an hour later in the morning if being nicotine free is the change desired.  The important outcome of this stage is to make a realistic plan.  Commitment to change without a good long term game plan can undermine your efforts and lead to disappointment and frustration.

In the Preparation Stage it helps to gather information both externally and internally.  Externally, doing a good search for structures and strategies that can guide you is a great idea.  For example, if weight loss or eating healthier is your goal, you can find a lot of information about different options such as Whole 30, Weight Watchers, or Intermittent Fasting.  You can also look for groups or communities that will be a good source of information and ongoing support and encouragement.  It’s good to find resources not only to help in the transition of change, but also thinking ahead to maintaining the change.  For example Nicotine Anonymous is a great resource for quitting smoking and has a wide range of meeting times and locations.  Or finding a local hiking club if your goal is to get more active.

But don’t get lost in the planning, Preparers.  It can be overwhelming to research all the possibilities and options.  This is where the internal preparation is so important, asking yourself what plan seems best suited for your lifestyle and personality.  To be successful at change, you need a realistic assessment of the difficulty of the desired change and the strategy you are going to use to make it.  It helps to look at past efforts and where they were derailed as well as potential barriers that might get in your way.  For example, increasing exercise in the winter in cold climates during a pandemic will be especially difficult, with gyms closed and storms on the way.  This may be a good time to ask for help in creative problem solving, either from trusted people or a professional who may have ideas and experience you have not considered.  

During this stage, journaling is a great tool.  It gives you a chance to reflect and play with ideas.  Some questions that are helpful to explore:

What possible obstacles or conflicts may arise?

What mindsets, habits, or behaviors might sabotage your efforts?

How will achieving your desired change affect others in your life (family, friends)?

Are there any sacrifices you will need to make? Are you ready to make them?

How will your life need to change in order for you to achieve your end result?

Is the end result aligned with your core values and beliefs?

Asking yourself these important questions before you begin a significant life change can save you time, effort, and heartache, and allow you to make any necessary adjustments ahead of time.  In addition, it’s a good time to take stock of your assets.  It can help build your confidence to see that you already have a number of things in your favor that can be called on when needed.  Make a list of your resources, such as money you can invest in your change, skills you already have, people in your life who can support you, or any other special skills, training, or experience you can draw on.  For most of us, we may also find we have some missing pieces in our arsenal of assets.  Preparation is a great time to also assess the assets you will need and begin to build them.  You may need to adopt new mindsets, obtain training to have a new skill, create a physical space for your endeavor and a calendar of time commitment in your schedule.  Planning for how to be prepared is about breaking down your big change into its component pieces.

Finally, once you have created your multi step plan, you need to create a Plan B…or C…or D.   No matter how well you prepare there will always be obstacles and bumps in the road.   Of course you can’t anticipate everything, but having an overall strategy can help you ride through any setback.  For example, if you get off course, who can guide you?  If the people in your life are not supportive and they resist your change, how can you address it?  A good part of the preparation for change is to accept that it will not be a straight journey toward your destintion, but an uneven series of hills and valleys, lefts and rights, and frustrating detours.  Anticipating this will help keep you from being upended by any particular unexpected pothole!

Stage 3 Preparation:  Commitment to change is achieved, but still considering what to do and how  Primary Task– Identify the best strategy for you and create a plan

While my last post focused on the Pre-Contemplation phase of change (Stage 1), when you tend to avoid and deny the need for change, a shift into Stage 2, Contemplation,  is achieved when you gain an awareness and acceptance of this need.  But now that you’re considering the change, the pros and cons are in constant consideration.   The hallmark of Contemplation is ambivalence, a back and forth of conflicting emotions regarding whether or not it’s worth taking action toward the change you now accept should be made.  Like riding a swing, Contemplators go back and forth and back and forth, spending a lot of energy, but not actually going anywhere just yet. 

Contemplators are more aware of the personal consequences of a bad habit and are able to think about the possibilities of change.  They may be more open to seeing the negative aspects of their behavior and the positives that would come with a change, yet, they doubt if the long term benefits will be worth the cost.  As the desire for change gets more real, so does the awareness of what may get in the way.  The good news is that Contemplators increasingly are open to information about their specific problem, such as reading books or going to websites, and are more open to discussing and reflecting on their conflicting thoughts and feelings.

The challenge to Contemplators is getting stuck in “all talk and no action.”  How many times have we made a plan, talked with our friends about it over and over again, but never put the plan into action?  We get stuck in the ambivalence, wanting change but not having the confidence or motivation quite up to breaking the impasse.  Contemplation can be thought of as the thinking phase, where we think and think about doing something.  For some people the thinking may lead to eventual doing, but for some people, thinking is as far as they may ever get.

This can be frustrating, both within ourselves and with others.  When you’re with a Contemplator, it’s natural to want to push them into action.  Enough already, we want to tell them, or tell ourselves: “Stop talking and do something!”  In order to support someone in Contemplation, it’s best not to become judgmental, but to ask questions that aim to build confidence and highlight the benefits.  For example it may be good to ask about why change is desired, what is preventing change, and what could help them make a small step in the direction of the change.  In Contemplation, supporting a person in gathering more information, exploring answers to any questions, and tipping the balance toward the benefits of change vs the cost is most helpful.  Supporting  a Contemplator look at change as a process of gaining something, emotional, mental, or physical, rather than giving up something may encourage them to move them past their ambivalence.

Riding the back and forth of whether or not to make a change is uncomfortable.   And yet, at this point, it may feel more comfortable than taking the risk of actual change.  As I look at journals about my News Year’s Resolutions over the past years, I can clearly see my own pattern of Contemplation.  In just reading them I want to strangle the part of me that blabs on and on about all I’m going to do, clearly not doing it, as there it is again in next year’s goals. At some point I hope to get up enough speed with my efforts to launch myself off the swing!  But until I do, at least I have a fancy name for my process.  I’m not doing nothing…I’m Contemplating.

Stage 2: Contemplation – Sees the possibility of change but is amivalent and uncertain. Primary Task:  Resolving ambivalence, choosing change.