At this time of year our schedules get crazy, our finances get stretched, and, if you’re like me, your diet is full of delicious but sugary treats (thanks for the toffee, Janet!)  Like a volcano, the pressure builds and builds until we erupt.  Unfortunately, when we do blow, our expressed frustration tends to be directed not at the people who deserve it the most, but at the people we feel safest with.  So as we gather for extended family celebrations and holiday work parties, I thought today might be a good reminder of the dangers of displaced anger and how to prevent ourselves from doing and saying things we’ll later regret.  

Sometimes we lash out at people close to us simply because they’re literally close to us.  They’re convenient targets at the checkout stand or near the kitchen sink.  Ever have your partner lash out at you as they walk through the door?  They needed someone to rant to and – there you were.  But proximity is not the only factor, as they were standing near their boss only moments before.  The fact is, sometimes we lash out at people because they love us enough to put up with it or because they are in a more vulnerable position, such as being a child, a service worker, or even a pet, and feel they have to put up with us.  Our behaviors at that point are driven more by opportunity than morality.  

Displaced anger most often stems from underlying stress, insecurity, or unresolved conflict.  Sometimes people lash out without even realizing they’re doing so, as anger can be a powerful emotion that comes on quickly.  But so often the person who strikes out feels a relief from the discharge of anger, but now transfers their distress to the other person.  Patterns of displaced anger can really damage relationships and erode trust between people.

The good news is that intentional awareness is a really helpful tool with the problem of displaced anger.  By recognizing our feelings and the need to express them, we can take ownership and find ways to express our anger in non-destructive ways.  Often the people we care about are happy to hear about what we’re angry about, they just don’t want to be the scapegoat for our anger.  It’s a very different experience to have someone share about their anger than be the recipient of it.  In the first situation we can join in and be on their side.  In the other, we’re put in the place of being on the opposite side and are set up for a conflict we didn’t ask for.

It’s also important to know when you’re not able to control yourself.  If breathing or counting to ten isn’t going to do the trick, it might be best to do some physical activity or take a time out before you talk to someone.  In fact, sometimes an angry outburst can be a way of creating distance.  What we really needed was some space, but to get it, we acted out rather than took responsibility for ourselves.  Often anger stems from feelings of being hurt, helpless, or in a situation we can’t control or where we feel vulnerable.  We lash out at someone as a way of asserting and regaining our sense of power with someone with whom it feels safe to do so.  But we do this at someone else’s expense and ultimately, at our own expense, because we become a person we actually would prefer not to be. Ironically, shame is a common trigger for angry overreactions.  But it only feeds into guilty feelings and a sense that we’re bad or wrong.

It’s surprising to people I work with who have a tendency to displace their anger that I talk about the issue in terms of self care.  Because ultimately, it really is about caring for our own feelings by acknowledging what’s wrong and finding a healthy way to express it.  Taking responsibility for how we handle our anger makes us feel better about ourselves and allows people to feel close to us, even when we’re hurting.  And when we’re hurting is exactly the time we need it!  With the darkness of winter, the pressures that can come with holidays, and the heaviness of overindulging, it’s natural to feel out of sorts.  Just remember what Santa believes.  We all have the power within us to be naughty or nice.