As my guy, Shaboozy, sings, “Man, what a hell of a year it’s been.” Truly. I think there’s quite a few of us happy to see the start of 2025 finally come, as this past year’s been a rough one. So much anxiety, frustration, and tension. While the pandemic years were unprecedented and difficult in their own ways, 2024 seemed full of conflict and anger. It would be so nice to leave behind what we can. For today’s post, I thought I’d reflect on how to mindfully begin the new year with the hope of some healing. I’d like to share what tips I find to help us move forward with an open heart.
Moving through difficult times involves letting go. One great place to start is with forgiveness. The turn of a new year is a great time to check in with yourself about what relationships may have been damaged in the past year. A fresh mindset means giving people second or maybe even third chances. It’s a good time to identify any unresolved issues with family and friends and acknowledge your ability to make peace and move forward. Sometimes we can do this with other people, but we can also do it within our own experience. Forgiveness will also apply to the ways you need to forgive yourself. We often drag the past into the future by dwelling on regrets. What you can’t change, you can learn from.
Another tip for resetting from a difficult time is to let the people in your life know that you care. We’ve all been through a lot, and in doing so, we may feel disconnected. People often turn inward and withdraw through tough times. Rebuilding connections is a way to open up the flow of positive feelings and rekindle community. Let people know how they mattered to you in the past year and recommit to this gratitude for the upcoming times. Showing up for people is a way to focus on what matters that we can control. Maybe set up some structured meeting times to build back withered relationships. A weekly walk or a monthly dinner. Having set times is a way to commit to connections we may have drifted from.
Be of service in some way. Difficult times tend to make us feel helpless and paralyzed. Finding a way to reach out and be of help to others can rekindle our hope and our feeling of meaning. Nothing empowers people more than finding a way to give that is tangible and results oriented. In doing so, we tend to be surrounded by others who are positive and giving as well. It makes us feel a little better about the state of the world to be a part of something good.
Remember what was lost during the pandemic lock down and don’t take it for granted. It’s easy to forget how we once longed for things we now have available. We may have forgotten our appreciation as we became disturbed by new stressors. Our ability to be together, to attend rituals and family events, to socialize and visit people in the hospital was once taken away from us (and for some still is a challenge). Recommit to gratitude for the everyday things we can continue to engage in.
And last but not least, a great tip to move forward from a tough year is to do something new! What have you wanted to do but held back from? Is there something on your bucket list that would bring some excitement and a fresh sense of purpose? When life feels out of control, we can gain some control by taking action. Don’t wait for someone else to do something to make you feel better or fix things. Snap into action in the ways that will enhance your life and bring you some joy.
It’s so easy to get depressed when you feel life’s hit you hard with one bad thing after another. And, it’s true, last year was bruising. But, sorry, Shaboozy, though I sing your song with gusto in the car, sitting around at the bar just waiting for “some good news” is not going to be enough. Sometimes, you just have to go out and create the good news you’re needing!
At this time of year our schedules get crazy, our finances get stretched, and, if you’re like me, your diet is full of delicious but sugary treats (thanks for the toffee, Janet!) Like a volcano, the pressure builds and builds until we erupt. Unfortunately, when we do blow, our expressed frustration tends to be directed not at the people who deserve it the most, but at the people we feel safest with. So as we gather for extended family celebrations and holiday work parties, I thought today might be a good reminder of the dangers of displaced anger and how to prevent ourselves from doing and saying things we’ll later regret.
Sometimes we lash out at people close to us simply because they’re literally close to us. They’re convenient targets at the checkout stand or near the kitchen sink. Ever have your partner lash out at you as they walk through the door? They needed someone to rant to and – there you were. But proximity is not the only factor, as they were standing near their boss only moments before. The fact is, sometimes we lash out at people because they love us enough to put up with it or because they are in a more vulnerable position, such as being a child, a service worker, or even a pet, and feel they have to put up with us. Our behaviors at that point are driven more by opportunity than morality.
Displaced anger most often stems from underlying stress, insecurity, or unresolved conflict. Sometimes people lash out without even realizing they’re doing so, as anger can be a powerful emotion that comes on quickly. But so often the person who strikes out feels a relief from the discharge of anger, but now transfers their distress to the other person. Patterns of displaced anger can really damage relationships and erode trust between people.
The good news is that intentional awareness is a really helpful tool with the problem of displaced anger. By recognizing our feelings and the need to express them, we can take ownership and find ways to express our anger in non-destructive ways. Often the people we care about are happy to hear about what we’re angry about, they just don’t want to be the scapegoat for our anger. It’s a very different experience to have someone share about their anger than be the recipient of it. In the first situation we can join in and be on their side. In the other, we’re put in the place of being on the opposite side and are set up for a conflict we didn’t ask for.
It’s also important to know when you’re not able to control yourself. If breathing or counting to ten isn’t going to do the trick, it might be best to do some physical activity or take a time out before you talk to someone. In fact, sometimes an angry outburst can be a way of creating distance. What we really needed was some space, but to get it, we acted out rather than took responsibility for ourselves. Often anger stems from feelings of being hurt, helpless, or in a situation we can’t control or where we feel vulnerable. We lash out at someone as a way of asserting and regaining our sense of power with someone with whom it feels safe to do so. But we do this at someone else’s expense and ultimately, at our own expense, because we become a person we actually would prefer not to be. Ironically, shame is a common trigger for angry overreactions. But it only feeds into guilty feelings and a sense that we’re bad or wrong.
It’s surprising to people I work with who have a tendency to displace their anger that I talk about the issue in terms of self care. Because ultimately, it really is about caring for our own feelings by acknowledging what’s wrong and finding a healthy way to express it. Taking responsibility for how we handle our anger makes us feel better about ourselves and allows people to feel close to us, even when we’re hurting. And when we’re hurting is exactly the time we need it! With the darkness of winter, the pressures that can come with holidays, and the heaviness of overindulging, it’s natural to feel out of sorts. Just remember what Santa believes. We all have the power within us to be naughty or nice.
Last year, when we were fortunate to have my nephews with us for Thanksgiving, I made up a little game. I had slips of paper with ordinary items, such as “onion”, “pencil”, “baseball cap”, “bus”, or “deodorant” on it. The challenge was to pick a slip and talk about why you’re grateful for this item. Completing one minute gave you one point, and two minutes was two points. While the game gave us a lot of good laughs (thanks Eli and Leo), it also brought a bit of awareness to the wonder and beauty of even the simplest of things. While we tend to give thanks to the big picture items, as of course we should, it’s sometimes worth acknowledging the things we often take for granted. Cultivating gratitude is an important step to feeling happy, and today’s post will hopefully inspire you to the many varied types of gratitude we can be more aware of.
There is a lot of research evidence over the past decade indicating that people who count their blessings are happier and less depressed. Recently, studies looking at people who were already depressed or experiencing mental health issues also benefited from activities that were designed to bring emotions of gratitude. Research using MRI imaging shows lasting brain changes when people engage in gratitude practices. As one researcher, Martin Seligman put it: “Gratitude is all about recognizing the good things in your life. It can have a powerful role in your health and well being. The good news is that practicing gratitude isn’t difficult; just setting aside a few minutes each day to focus on the good things that happened and what you’re thankful for.”
Another researcher focused on gratitude, Joel Wong, made a list of questions to be used as prompts to help people in the practice of gratitude journaling. I found it interesting to see the range of different types of gratitude, some I had never thought about before.
Micro Gratitude: Refers to appreciating small everyday moments and details in life. Examples may be a warm cup of coffee, a simple kind word from a stranger, or a pretty sunset. Micro Gratitude is good for helping with mindfulness, being more present and aware of little joys in daily life.
Examples of Micro Gratitude Questions:
1. What went well this week?
2. What are some simple, potentially mundane things that contribute to my wellbeing?
3. What are some good things in my life that I’ve taken for granted?
4. What are some things in my home that give me with a sense of comfort?
5. What do I like about the chair or table that I’m currently using?
7. What do I like about my office/classroom?
8. What do I like about the neighborhood I live in?
9. What is my favorite place in town?
Macro Gratitude: Refers to appreciating the big life events and achievements or big picture items. Some examples include graduation, getting married, or overcoming a big challenge. Macro gratitude helps give us perspective about life and underscore our resilience and strengths.
Examples of Macro Gratitude Questions:
1. [Think about the major events in your life] What am I most grateful for in these events?
2. [Think about a turning point in your life] What am I most grateful for in this event?
3. Who or what changed my life for the better?
4. What aspect of my past has prepared me well to handle my current or future challenges?
5. What is something bad that could have happened but didn’t happen in my life?
6. Which childhood event in my life contributed positively to my current life?
7. Which event during my adolescence contributed positively to my current life?
8. Who has had the most positive influence on my life?
9. In what ways is my life a gift? In what ways have I experienced grace (undeserved favor) from life, others, or a higher power?
Interpersonal Gratitude: Refers to feelings of thankfulness or appreciation directed towards another person, specifically when they have performed an act or provided support highlighting gratitude within relationships. This type of gratitude can strengthen bonds and develop a sense of community. Examples include thanking a friend for listening to your problems, telling your partner how much you appreciate them, or acknowledging the support of a colleague on a project.
Examples of Interpersonal Gratitude Questions:
1. Which of my teachers/mentors contributed positively to my life?
2. Who puts a smile on my face?
3. Who makes me laugh?
4. Who do I enjoy hanging out with?
5. Who appreciates me?
6. Who makes me feel like I truly matter?
7. In what ways do my family members make my life easier?
8. In what ways have my family members made me a better person?
9. In what ways were my parents positive role models?
Redemptive Gratitude: Refers to the act of finding positive aspects and lessons within a difficult or challenging experience essentially “redeeming” the situation by focusing on the good that can be gained, even amidst the hardship. It’s about being thankful for the growth and transformation that can arise from adversity. This may include looking for silver linings and gaining a long term perspective that helped build skills and abilities to get you through. Examples include finding a new career path after losing a job, finding a new community after relocating, or developing better self care after a health crisis.
Examples of Redemptive Gratitude Questions: (thinking about a particularly stressful life experience)
1. In what ways is my life better now? What have I learned to appreciate as a result of this stressful experience?
2. What challenges did I overcome?
3. How have I grown as a person or what character strengths did I develop as a result of this stressful experience?
4. In what ways is my life more meaningful because of this stressful experience?
5. Who supported me during this stressful experience?
6. In what ways have I experienced physical, emotional and/or spiritual healing?
Cultural Gratitude: Refers to the practice of acknowledging and appreciating the contributions, values, and traditions of different cultures going beyond simply saying “thank you” by gaining a deeper understanding and respect for differing perspectives and practices within a community or society. Essentially it means appreciating the unique aspects of a culture and its collective contributions and developing sensitivity to rituals, gestures, and customs of this community. Cultural gratitude promotes tolerance, reduces prejudice or misunderstanding, and promotes inclusivity and a sense of belonging. Culture” and “cultural group” is broadly defined as any group you belong to that has shared values, beliefs, practices, and traditions. Examples include taking the time to understand and appreciate the celebrations and symbols of a cultural practice, recognizing the historical contributions of different cultures in art, food, language or technology.
Examples of Cultural Gratitude Questions:
1. What aspects of my culture am I proud of?
2. What aspects of my culture has made me a better or stronger person?
3. In what ways have my culture been a source of strength for me?
4. In what ways have my cultural group contributed to society?
5. Who in my culture do I admire or is a role model? (This could be someone you personally know or a historical figure.)
Gratitude Savoring: refers to the practice of intentionally focusing on and appreciating positive experiences in the present moment, essentially the act of ‘savoring” (fully engaging with a positive experience) with a mindset of gratitude, where you actively acknowledge and appreciate good things in your life by paying close attention. Examples include taking a walk in nature while noticing the smells, sights and sounds or fully appreciating a meal by taking slow bites and recognizing the ingredients and preparation efforts to create the meal.
Examples of Gratitude Savoring Questions:
1. What do I enjoy about the food/beverage I eat/drink?
2. What do I appreciate about the view outside the window of my home/office?
3. What do I enjoy about the physical surroundings near my home?
4.What do I enjoy about the music I listen to?
5. [Look at a photograph you recently took] What do I appreciate about the things or people in the photograph?
I’m thinking right about now, that I’m really grateful for gratitude. It’s no small thing that we have the capacity to take a step back from our experience and find the beauty in it. It’s a gift that we can give ourselves and share with others. We can also develop a relationship in a spiritual sense when we cultivate gratitude. How amazing to have such a powerful tool always at the ready and available.
In fact, I think of that little game I played with my family pretty frequently. Sometimes when I’m stressed or anxious, I simply look around me and begin to engage with my environment, looking for the positive. If you wanted to, you could actually spend your entire day being amazed. Eating breakfast – what a helpful thing a bowl is! Driving to work – my car is an amazing technological feat! The garden outside my office building has such greenery and it’s so nice to have staff who volunteer to take care of it. Wow, my standing desk, isn’t that just a fantastic addition! One can go on and on and on. There is no lack of opportunity to be thankful for something, it just takes the intention to notice. And, wow, just how great is that!
