It’s often said that hope is the antidote to despair.  But how do we find hope in the midst of despair, when all feels lost and the sense that nothing will ever change looms over us?  I did some reading about hope and how to cultivate it.  Fortunately, what I found was…hopeful.  In fact,  hope is not just wishful thinking, but it’s a state of mind that can actually be learned and cultivated.

There are three main components to Snyder’s Hope Theory.  First is the goal, or object of a person’s ambition or desire.  Goals anchor our hope in a certain direction.  The second component are pathways, or a route that leads toward achieving the goal.  This also includes a plan for managing and overcoming obstacles that may get in our way.  The more pathways we have, the more attainable our  goal seems.  And the third component is agency.  This refers to whether a person thinks they can actually follow their pathway, in short, a belief that “I can do it.”

In Snyder’s model, cognition brings out emotion.  People who are able to generate realistic ways to reach their goals are more likely to feel optimistic, energetic, and maybe even excited.  On the other hand, if we can’t find a plausible way to reach a goal, we’ll feel pessimistic, gloomy, and frustrated.  Emotions, in Hope Theory, are what drive our motivation and problem solving abilities that help us push past what may be getting in the way.  You can see how this would create a feedback loop of “possibility moving toward success” or “frustration landing in helplessness”.  High hope people tend to have higher levels of overall well being.  They report feeling better physically, more resilient to setbacks, and more socially connected.  They also report a higher sense of purpose and meaning.  

Okay, I hope I’ve sold you on the benefits of hopefulness in order to motivate those who are despairing not to give up. Especially when things feel most dire, when we’ve experienced defeats that are truly beyond  our control, it’s so easy to lose hope, clouding our ability to see a path forward  or feel a sense of agency.  But Hope Theory suggests that despite our circumstances, through our struggle, we can find a way to move beyond the despair into productive action through intentional engagement with our mindset. 

Some strategies cited by Snyder may be of help.  Recommit to your goal.  It may require some adjustment to what the long term outcome may be, but setting sights on your priority will help to guide you.  In addition, it helps to have a shorter term objective that will be achievable before the long term goal.  It serves to keep  you on track and feeling positive.  Small actions can reignite our agency. As Brene Brown writes, she responds to despair by “micro-dosing hope.” Another strategy is to put an emphasis on your strengths.  What is it that works best for you?  What has led to success in the past?  This will help with your agency.  Another important strategy is to connect with others.  Finding support and camaraderie can make a big difference in maintaining resilience and creating positive emotions.  Maybe I can’t do it, but we can.  Putting like minds together can lead to the creation of pathways that may not have been available when we are on our own.

 When we face a big setback, it’s normal and healthy to experience feelings of fear or disappointment.  Trying to deny them or push them aside will only serve as a way of disenfranchising us from our ambition and energy.  It helps to remember that despair comes from experiencing the loss of something that matters to us.  Caring involves vulnerability, and so we need to be careful with our hearts when we embrace someone or something we believe in.  It’s important to honor the intention and the efforts we made, allowing ourselves to mourn the possibility we had hoped for.  But we cannot let it paralyze us or hold us back from embracing the desire for something better.  We need to stay in our humanity, even if it involves the risk of getting hurt.  Hope theory is a way to reactivate our intentions and commitments when we feel helpless.  It offers a roadmap to take control through an internal shift that is always available to us if we work at it.  

I hope this helps.

As therapists, we say “Name it to Tame it,” helping people put words to their fears and  pain in order to contain and cope with them.  But as I’m getting older, I’ve learned that in addition to “Name it to Tame It” we have to “Name it to Claim it!”  We need to put words to the beautiful – the things that we’re grateful for – with expressions of “I love you,” “I miss you” or “Thank you.” By naming the wonderful, we affirm our joy and fully embrace both the fulfillment and the hopeful pursuit of what and who matter to us most. 

I’m so lucky that I live in a house on a ridge top with a beautiful view overlooking our town, including a bird’s eye view of the lake I love to walk around.  When we first moved into our home, I woke every morning to the joy of that view. I soaked it in while drinking my coffee and was thrilled by the colors across the valley as the sun set.  I worried back then that I would grow accustomed to the view and take it for granted.  One of the great things that can come with age is more stability.  I’ve lived in this same house for 25 years.  I’ve been married to the same man for nearly 30.  I’ve had the same profession for 31 years with the same job for 10.  It would be easy to get used to the view.

But I’m also lucky that I’ve been in a profession that’s taught me the value of noticing, especially the good.  When people are hurting, isolated, depressed, or stressed, they can lose their ability to see the positive and the lovely.  I’m often, as I literally say, the “holder of hope” as they go through their darkness.  I spend time with them in intimate conversation and tease out the light and their strength overrun by the darkness and fear.  I’m always so touched by how a simple reflection of this beauty can bring someone to tears.  “You are working so hard to be a good father,” I might say, or “You’re giving so much to help your mother keep her dignity.”  These simple truths can be so powerful when spoken, affirming the grace of their intentions and the loving sacrifices behind their efforts.

Naming the wonderful should also include honoring our desires.  Often people are ashamed to express their loneliness or their longing for something better.  They measure themselves by  what they lack rather than what they dream of.  But the flip side of loneliness is a beautiful desire for connection.  Longing for a new profession, or home, or success is a garden bed for the seeds of change.  We cannot achieve our dreams until we allow ourselves to plant them.  

Stability can indeed be a great privilege, but it can also be a silent drain on our ability to appreciate things with freshness or to be faced with a risk or choice that helps us define our values.  I’m happy to report that I still look out our picture window multiple times a day and take in a deep breath of awe.  It’s easy to do, because it’s right in front of me and hard not to notice.  I only hope I can keep my eyes open for the other many beautiful things that I encounter on a daily basis.  Like the driving game of “punch buggy” (where you yell out “punch buggy” and hit someone on the arm when you see a Volkswagen beetle) you instantly see what you didn’t notice when you’re motivated to call it out.  Naming the wonderful is a great way of claiming what’s wonderful. Just don’t punch someone each time you do.