In my previous post I had a chance to honor the resilience of people to carry on through tough times.  Shortly after, I came across an article that got me thinking about the important role of other people in our lives who help us persist. The article described the role of Assistants who team up with Paralympic Competitors (The Quiet Collaboration Between Paralympic Athletes and Their Assistants, NY Times).  I was so touched by their joy in playing such a significant role in enabling someone else to compete and push themselves to their personal best.  It led me to think about our roles as friends, family members, and in community to be a guide or assistant to someone in a way that makes a difference both to them and just as much to us.

I had no idea, but in 22 Paralympic sports, athletes compete alongside a guide or assistant.  In some sports the role is very active such as riding in the front seat of a tandem bike or running alongside a blind person holding a tether (they are literally tied together). But in other sports, it can be as simple as tapping a swimmer on the shoulder in order to let them know they are at the pool wall. Long jumpers rely on a guide shouting or clapping when it’s time to jump and blind soccer players listen out for a sighted goalie to yell and give direction for what is going on in the field.  In triathlete, a disabled athlete will swim tethered to a guide that swims slightly ahead of them, then steers the tandem bike, and finishes once again, tethered during the run.  In all sports, there are strict rules about what and how the assistants may offer support and if violated, an athlete will be eliminated.

It struck me what a special person you need to be an athlete assistant.  Not only do you have to be a spectacular athlete yourself, you have to totally dedicate your performance to the competitor.  In reading about these athletes, I was so impressed by their goal of winning with their partner, enjoying the process of training and competing as a team rather than as an individual.  For example, Gabriel Garcia, an athlete who competed in the Olympics on the Brazilian men’s 4 X 100 relay team also competed as a guide for a sprinter Geber ds Santos in the Paralympics.  Of both experiences, he stated, “I actually prefer to be an athlete guide rather than an Olympic athlete,” stating he felt more pressure at the Paralympics.  “You have to give 200 percent of yourself not to cause any mistakes and to keep the other athlete at a high level.”

Skyler Espinoza was a cyclist in the U.S.A. Cycling Development program but missed the dynamics of being in a team sport.  She now pilots a tandem bike with a visually impaired athlete, Hannah Chadwick.  About the experience she states, “You don’t just train for yourself, but for the other person.”  Gregory Billington finished 27th at the Rio Olympic Games in triathlon.  He partnered with athlete Brad Snyder and has found great success.  Brad describes the intensity of their relationship, “We’ve been able to train together stride for stride, stroke for stroke.  We’ve really bonded as friends, teammates, and as competitors.”

It was only in 2012 at the London Olympics that assistants were also given medals when the team made the podium, which they now also share.  It recognizes the challenge of working as a duo in order to be successful.  The choice of guide involves not only finding a talented competitor, but one who can form a compatible working relationship with the athlete.  One sprinter, David Brown, described running with a guide as “like running a three legged race.”  As I guessed would be true, the word “trust” came up in many of the descriptions of the most important factor in a successful pair.   Visually impaired skier Menna Fitzpatrick pointed out that “if you don’t have trust in the guide then you won’t have the skill and speed.  They also have to trust that I’ll follow their instructions.”  Also consistent in the article was how these guide athletes disputed the notion that they were “sacrificing” on behalf of the disabled athlete.  The relationship between athlete and assistant extended far beyond a technical connection into something more personal and deeply reciprocal.

Which brings me back to what struck me about this article in the first place and how it connected to my thinking about getting through hard times.  I think of the athlete’s tether or the clap as a great metaphor for how someone else can help us through the darkness of grief or depression.  Our connection to others gives us a reason and a drive to move forward and live beyond what we think we are capable of.  Life’s many challenges are also opportunities for us to be a support to someone else and in return reap the reward of meaning and purpose.  Building and maintaining the trust of people who need us is a great honor.  There may not be a medal to wear around our necks or a podium to proudly stand on, but we certainly become winners nonetheless.

Last Monday, being Labor Day, is celebrated to honor American workers’ social and economic achievements.  But as anyone who has ever had a job knows, some days are better than others.  Some days we go to work full of enthusiasm and a determination to do our best.  But sometimes, when our dog just died, or after a rough custody hand-off, or when we’re filled with the fear of being laid off, just showing up is hard enough.  We still have to serve the customer, stock the shelf, or teach the class.  Everyday, whether we realize it or not, people around us are making heroic efforts to put aside their pain and do what they need to do, anyhow.  Through some periods of our life we need to be celebrated for our resilient capacity to put aside what is burdening us to get our job done.

My older daughter wisely says, “You just don’t know about people’s stories.”  She does a good job of giving people the benefit of the doubt when they might have been rude or unattentive.  This makes me think about my many clients who come to get support for their grief, their trauma, or their mental or physical illnesses.  They are so filled with emotion and pain and I get to provide them with a space and a time they can fall apart.  But I also know they have to put themselves back together to feed the kids, make the sale, and check on their mother.  I think about the energy it takes to stuff all of this mess back inside to show up for their jobs.  I am sure some of them are underperforming in regard to what is required or may be snapping at customers they find irritating.  But they are doing their best to perform.

One person eloquently told me, “Life doesn’t care if you have a broken heart.”  She held back her tears throughout her work day and then cried on her entire car ride home.  It takes a lot of energy to balance the processing of difficult emotions with taking care of our responsibilities and duties, especially when people count on us.  Perhaps these are the true Labor Days, when we need to give ourselves nurturing and compassion in order to keep on going.  We may need to take breaks frequently throughout our day, sometimes needing to get away from people and sometimes to connect.  We have to pace ourselves to keep up our momentum, balancing out our week ahead.  We have to identify when we have the most capacity, and let go a bit when we dip into our lows. And highly important, we need to schedule ourselves a big ‘ol reward for just making it through a day, a week, a meeting, or a meal.

“Lights, camera, bitch, smile / Even when you wanna die,” is a line from Taylor Swift’s song, “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.”  Now there’s a woman who knows how to turn pain into power!  It’s not healthy or helpful to pretend your pain doesn’t exist. Our biggest challenge in order to move through our bad times is to open ourselves up to acceptance, love, and compassion. And we need to not only show this grace for ourselves, but remember to offer it to others.

I will never forget my Grandmother Rose sitting with my family as we watched a football game.  My brother was especially angry at how his team was performing (you guessed it, the NY Giants) and was exuding frustration and negativity.  With her sweet voice and heavy New York accent, she leaned over to him and said, “Dahling…don’t be so upset.  They’re doing the best they can.”