I love this time of year because it provides the opportunity for so many happy memories.  Graduations, weddings, and summer travel are the perfect framework for family photos and good laughs as we come together for big adventures.  But as I get older, and hopefully wiser, I realize that some of the most precious things I want to remember don’t always come with such big hoopla and packaging.  Because of it, though, they’re easier to forget.  So, in response to this, I started to do a little digging around about memory and how to help my brain hold on to more of what I cherish. 

Most of what we intensely remember, research shows, is related to emotional arousal.  It turns out the neurobiological systems mediating emotional arousal and memory are closely linked.  This makes sense as a survival tool.  When we are faced with things that are traumatic, our neurobiology is primed to encode it, so that we can prevent it from happening again.  In fact, traumatic memories are often stored so deeply as both body memories and a re-experiencing, they can create a syndrome we know as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  We’ve all had the experience of reliving a car accident or a fall when time seemed to slow down and when we can recall it as if it just happened.    

Fortunately the mechanism for encoding significant memories can also be used to recall happy events.  The enhanced encoding happens due to the release of cortisol and other biologically automatic processes that occur during intense emotional arousal.  So while, yes, bad events will kick them off, other arousing events that are stressful, but also good, can enhance our remembering of them.  The jitters in walking down the aisle, the thrill of kicking the winning goal, or the pain of giving birth to your most precious being – all arousing!!

But how, then, do I enhance my memory for the beautiful ordinary?  The way I feel when my daughters visit and tell me about their lives, or when my husband pridefully tells me he figured out how to fix the leak, or when my friends invite me to dinner for a girls night for no other reason than they want to. Fortunately, researchers have thought about that, applying what other researchers have found for encoding memories.  For example, Chip and Dan Heath, in The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact suggest ways to approach interactions that will kick up the likelihood of remembering them using what arouses us.

First see if you can boost up the sensory appeal of a situation.  Take in what you are seeing with vivid detail, what it smells like, or what you are listening to.  It’s ok to ask someone to repeat something that feels pleasurable to hear! Reach out and touch it, as well.  How does the sofa you are sitting on feel, or the smooth table at the restaurant, or the taste of your pasta.  Take the time to pull in all of your senses.

Another tool can be to break the script a little bit.  Surprising things tend to be remembered more than the usual.  Try meeting the person you cherish in a new environment for the two of you.  Neuroscientist David Eagleman writes that when you inject novelty into your life, you prevent the blur of things running together.  Research shows that when older people look back on their lives, a disproportionate number of their big memories come from a narrow window of time – from age 15 to 30.  And it’s not because their memory was better then, but because so many new things happen in this time, so many firsts.

Another strategy?  Create moments of pride  We tend to remember events like graduations, winning a prize, or achieving a goal because of the strong feelings we get from being appreciated.  But these events are rare and don’t always apply to the everyday beauty we live in.  But getting creative with our planning can help.  Create an anniversary event or a reason to appreciate someone.  For example, have a celebration for ten years of friendship!  Or a “You are my best co-worker” lunch.  Creating and celebrating what can feel like “silly milestones” will make it even more memorable because it’s unexpected.  You can even create arbitrary milestones!  My book club is reaching its 100th book and a member has initiated a club meeting at a winery for a tasting and discussion.  We’re all going to remember that!!

And a final suggestion for creating lasting memories in your relationships based on research – struggle!  No, don’t pick a fight with someone you love, but do things that require some challenge or meaningful effort.  Painting a room together or playing another family for touch football are far more likely to be remembered than watching a movie. Researcher Dimitris Xygalatas reports that groups that go through “high ordeal” events rather than “low ordeal events” are far more bonded.  It’s often the things that at the time felt like chores that we remember fondly.

The anniversary of my Dad’s death is coming up soon.  Some of my most intense memories of him were certainly during times of high arousal, some really tragic and others ironically very funny (looking back at least).  But I’d also like to take the time to remember the quiet things about my Dad.  The way his chest of drawers squeaked when he opened it to pick out his clothes for the day.  Or the way he lit up when we were on a fishing trip or smiled when I talked about school.  And the many, many, seemingly ordinary and routine afternoons of watching football together.  I still think of him every single  time I watch a game.  But, then again, we are NY Giants fans, and that is frequently traumatic.