I tend to have a strong intuitive sense that serves me well and I rely on it for my work and in my relationships (I’m an INFJ in the Myers Briggs, after all).  But lately, under stress, I notice my anxiety can lead me astray and trick me into jumping to conclusions. I know I’m not alone, as it’s a common issue I work with when people are distressed. As is true of most reactive responses, jumping to conclusions is a way we attempt to protect ourselves, trying to predict and control what may happen.  But making hasty assumptions tends to only make things worse and leads us away from a truth that is probably more reasonable, manageable, and, let’s face it, sane.  Recognizing our tendency to leap can be an important tool for coping with our stress instead of creating more of it.  

We tell ourselves stories in order to make sense of our world.  The more our story incorporates the facts of what is actually happening, the better we can make our way and the healthier our relationships tend to be.  But like any great drama, an author has motivations for their characters.   Depending on this motivation, it will color how the story is told.  For example, when we’re mad at someone, we might tell ourselves their actions are infused with bad intentions.  Or if we’re scared, we might see a threat in an invitation.  In other words, the story we tell ourselves is based partly on what actually happens, but also on what we project onto this action based on our own feelings. 

According to Aaron Beck, one of the founders of Cognitive Psychology, jumping to conclusions (JTC) is an example of a thought distortion, or thinking bias, that leads to unhelpful assumptions. He notes that the cognitive distortion of jumping to conclusions usually takes two forms.  First, people make “premature decisions,” by not collecting all the facts or not weighing information sufficiently.  Second, people tend to “overadjust” their thinking, ignoring or undervaluing disconfirming information.  

Research shows that the “JTC” type of cognitive distortion is quite common for people with anxiety and becomes more pronounced, as I noticed personally, under stress.   Anxiety is associated with both an increased attention to threatening information and a double whammy of also interpreting neutral stimuli as threatening.  Generally, anxious people are inclined to “watch out for danger” and then find it by jumping to “threat conclusions.”  For example, if you hear people laughing, you assume it’s directed at you or is about you.  In extreme circumstances, jumping to conclusions can lead to paranoia or delusional thinking.  In these cases, we are so preoccupied by our internal interpretations that we dismiss the external world completely. 

A common example of JTC is a prediction based on one experience.  You make a mistake and assume you will fail at everything, for example.   Or believing your own interpretation of something without knowing what the reality is, as in assuming someone is rejecting you if they didn’t return your text.  Or personalizing things, assuming someone meant something specific to you when in fact a situation had nothing to do with you at all.  In all of these circumstances we twist reality as a result of our own negative or insecure thinking.  In a way, it’s a rather self obsessed style, assuming the world is all about us and how we see it.

Acknowledging our tendency is a helpful first step in dealing with this habit.  Cognitive therapists use a term called decentering to describe the process of addressing cognitive distortions.  Decentering involves the ability to stand back and view a thought as a perspective or opinion, but not necessarily a fact.  People are encouraged to re-evaluate conclusions and slow things down by asking themselves how someone else might interpret the situation or what supporting or contradicting evidence there might be to the conclusion you’ve made  By questioning your own process, you can factor in the tendency to be quick to see a threat, and widen the lens to which you interpret a situation.  It also helps to keep you from acting on your impulse and to give yourself permission to think through a response before jumping into one.

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t believe everything you think.” I would also include not believing everything you feel.  Our thoughts and feelings are incredibly important sources of information, but we can veer far off course if we are too caught up in our own story.  While we are the author of our lives, we also have to do some fact checking.  Otherwise, our story may end up as total fiction.

I often hear women struggling with the feeling they aren’t good enough.  Despite juggling a heavy range of demands in an impressive manner, they feel inadequate and convinced that they aren’t living up to expectations.  Particularly in the area of parenting, women tend to set an impossible standard that they should always know and do the right thing for their family. Unreasonable, right?  Exhausting, for sure?  But most of all, it can lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional suffering!  So with Mother’s Day approaching, I thought attacking the monster of perfectionism might be the perfect thing.

Research consistently shows that women engage in perfectionistic thinking more often than men.  A recent study indicates a particular rise for women in what is categorized as “socially prescribed perfectionism,” rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. Behind the idea of needing to be perfect is the sense that you are inadequate and need to do better.  It often comes in the form of a critical inner voice that’s constantly evaluating every move for what could be and should be better.  There is a strong pressure to prove your worth driven by an underlying deep fear of failure.

Dr. Brene Brown’s research indicates that women tend to lack confidence, which leads them to perfectionistic tendencies.  They feel they have to get everything right in order to prove their value.  Women tend to hold back on answering questions in school, asking for raises, or speaking up at all because they feel they have to have the right answer and are afraid to take a risk of being wrong.  Dr. Brown’s research also shows that women particularly struggle with perfectionism related to mothering, caregiving, and body image.  This leads to extra pressure in taking on the demands of paid work in addition to the invisible demands (emotional and caretaking duties) of unpaid work.  Often, when women don’t jump into caretaking, they’re seen as selfish, which creates more internal and external pressure.

Social media has directly led to an increase in feelings of inadequacy.  Research shared in Psychology Today shows a pattern of women comparing themselves to screen images of distorted body shape, travel, success, and socializing.  Social media creates an “endless comparison cycle, leaving women feeling conflicted between trying to achieve higher standards or having lower self esteem.”  Perfectionism can lead to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.  More generally, it can lead to burn-out, procrastination, relationship issues, and insomnia.

There are ways to fight back against the perfectionism monster living in our psyches, however.  One important  process is called “distancing.”  Distancing is a way of zooming out from our inner chatter and seeing a bigger picture. One way to distance is to think about the future. What will you feel about this matter tomorrow, three months from now, or even a year from now?  Another way to distance is to use the third person while talking to yourself.  Dr. Kross, an expert on self talk research, found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I”, and started observing themselves more like a bystander, it was “like flipping a switch.”  The inner dialogue became more constructive and more positive than when addressing themselves in the first person.

Practice the motto “good enough.”  It takes letting go, but this can be liberating.  Trauma specialist and physician Gabor Mate reminds his patients that the feeling of being legitimate comes from within.  Chasing after external validation robs us of joy, playfulness, and the ability to be fully present with whatever we are doing or whoever we are with.

I tend to see perfectionism as a survival strategy people employ in order to cope with feeling vulnerable.  If they do it right, do more, and control everything, they can protect themselves from what it is they fear will be wrong.  And what can make us feel more vulnerable than parenting?  Like most aspects of parenting, in order to grow and to support your child in their growth, it involves letting go.  And what can be more scary?  But it’s also the most loving thing to do for yourself and for your children.  Be the monster slaying hero by showing the people you love that while it’s important we try our best, it’s also ok to be good enough.  Because nothing could be more perfect than allowing ourselves and our children to feel loved for being who we are, just as we are!