An important distinction that we therapists continually train to identify is the difference between content and process in communication. Content is the actual “what,” or the facts that we want to share. Process is the “how” it is being communicated. We, as intellectual people, often get caught up in content, missing key elements of what is happening between us in a relationship. Even when we’re choosing our words carefully, how we’re saying them is often out of our awareness, creating a potential mixed message. Being able to step back and look at the process of a conversation can be a powerful tool in making sure we’re aware of just what is being communicated to best understand its impact.
Remember all the times someone says something that seems nice, but in a tone that really says the opposite? Or they say “I’m listening,” but seem not to be listening because they’re not making eye contact or worse yet, pick up their phone and glance at it while you’re speaking? The words they’re saying are the content, but the how they are saying it is the process. Often, misunderstandings or conflicts in relationships happen because of this multi layered nature of communication with hidden messages or ambivalences that can be frustrating and even hurtful.
Process based understanding tends to get into the underlying deeper level of what someone is meaning, not just saying. Noticing how someone is saying something or asking further about their feelings about something, rather than about the facts, is a way of making a deeper connection. For example, if someone tells you that they baked a cake, one option is to stay with the content and ask them what flavor it was. Another option is to note how happy they look and ask if they baked it for a special occasion? Or if they are passionate about baking? Process is a way to understand not just what someone is telling you, but why they are telling it to you. Interactions that stay in content tend to remain superficial over time. Process gets to emotion, which is required for intimacy.
When we attend to process, we are given a powerful way to support our relationships. Are we becoming defensive or is our partner? Are we cutting them off and not letting them finish or are we listening fully? Process observations can give us important clues about why we are feeling what we are in a conversation, which may not be in line with the content is of what is being said. It helps us to steer a conversation away from what may be unproductive or even damaging. For example, noticing when you are not able to really listen may give you the freedom to request a break from the conversation so that you can re engage when you’re in a better state of mind. Or noticing that whenever you bring up a certain topic, it triggers a reaction that surprises you. This can help you step back to see what may be going on underneath and address the real problem rather than the superficial one. Noticing process gives us more information and opportunities to fix what is happening in our communication.
It’s often easier to pay attention to the process level of things after the fact, especially at first. For example, if someone was getting defensive when you talked to them, looking back, you may figure out that what you were saying felt threatening to them in some way. Maybe they felt ashamed after making a mistake, or inadequate, or their feelings were hurt. Over time, you can learn to have an observing eye to your sense of process while it is happening. This involves being connected to your feelings, body sensations, and your tone of voice. Curiosity about the “why” something was said can lead to more empathy and compassion. It also helps to notice when the process of communicating was comforting or built trust. Active listening is a great example of process oriented communication.
Because of its connection to feelings and reactions, often requiring vulnerability, process has a way of making people feel closer and deepening interactions. But as with most power tools, you need to use it wisely and safely. Too much attention to process and people can feel they are being overanalyzed or second guessed. Even Freud himself said that sometimes, “a cigar is just a cigar.” Of course this related to his denial that his smoking was an addiction that needed to be analyzed, even after being diagnosed with mouth cancer. Perhaps we can infer from his tone that he wasn’t ready to deal with it!