In moving to CA from the Northeast I noticed a difference in culture regarding conflict.  East Coasters let you know where they stand!  I actually miss that.  While I’m probably more comfortable with superficial pleasantness, there is something actually grounding about trusting that people will let me know how they really feel so I don’t have to worry about it.  While I’m comfortable with conflict in my work, because it’s all about other people, I’m inspired by people who seem to disagree with ease.  So to help those of us who avoid confrontation, I found a few articles with some helpful instructions on how to disagree agreeably.

First, let’s take a look at what’s so scary about confrontation.  Most commonly it’s based on a fear of how the other person will react that will be uncomfortable for you.  One fear is not being liked, another is a fear that you are incorrect, another is you’re afraid you won’t be able to articulate your point well enough and you’ll be misunderstood.  The key to overcoming these fears is to prepare yourself and to keep yourself calm.  Our bad experiences of trying to confront someone often involved a time when we were emotional and spoke before we were ready and were reactionary.  It also helps to focus on your intention instead of a particular outcome.

While we can’t control how other people will react, we can control how we approach them which  influences how they may react.  In order to do this we first have to give ourselves permission to speak up.  Instead of thinking of approaching someone as a negative confrontation, it helps to think of your effort as being assertive and sharing how you feel with a desire to attend to a relationship.  Think about what might be gained by expressing yourself.  Perhaps it’ll relieve your stress, help solve a problem, or make you feel respected.  Reconsider your assumptions about speaking up.  Confrontation can be healthy, build trust, and make you feel more confident and valued.  Having a voice helps build self esteem and research shows that handling conflict increases happiness and well being.

Disagreeing with someone effectively is a skill and like any skill can be learned with practice.  Start with someone you trust.  It helps a lot when you have psychological safety and know the person cares about you and how you feel.  Next, ease into the conversation.  Start by taking a deep breath to calm yourself and reduce your anxiety.  Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project encourages people to think of confrontation as “learning conversations.”  In other words, you are seeking an exchange of information and understanding.  Don’t assume you know the other person’s motivation or intention.  Focusing on the impact of an action can help to reduce someone being defensive.  Try to calmly share your concern with a focus on how the situation affected you.  An example might be, “Hey, you might not be aware but…”  It can help to share how their action made you feel, and then invite them to share their feelings.  For example, “the comment you made stung, can you explain what you meant” or “I was frustrated by that, what was it like for you?”  If you can create an atmosphere of sharing and trading perspectives, it aligns you both into a problem solving mode.  If you have a possible solution, offer it and then ask for feedback.

Of course, people won’t always be as open to engaging in this kind of dialogue as we would like.  It might be necessary to express yourself and your intent, and if met by hostility or further conflict, set a limit by disengaging.  Perhaps the other person isn’t receptive at that moment but they will likely have to think about what you’ve said.  Do your best to resist engaging in an escalation of blame or insults.  Protect yourself by a respectful retreat and an invitation to discuss it further when they are ready to be calm, if you feel it might be possible.

There are times when we need to confront someone in a more spontaneous way, however.  Luvvie Ajayi Jones, author of “The Professional Troublemaker,” suggests asking a question.  For example if someone blurts out something offensive, ask them to explain it further.  Chances are, she finds, the person will either double down on the remark or walk it back.  But asking a question shifts the focus to the person who is imposing on others, forcing them to take responsibility.

Be easy on yourself if things don’t go as planned.  Being good at disagreements is as much an art as a science.  The situation and people involved are varied and what works in one situation may not work in another.  But keep practicing.  The most important thing is to challenge the fear that something terrible will happen.  You can grow more confident and less fearful in time.  You might even find yourself enjoying the outcome and feeling good about being brave!  Noone likes to be a pushover.  And sometimes people prefer that you tell them what you think, rather than holding it in and brooding about it.  Take those East Coasters. No angst about hurt feelings or fear of rejection for them. They snap at you, yes, but then they’re over it!  And they expect you to be as well.  And for us overthinkers, that’s kind of refreshing, don’t you think?