An important distinction that we therapists continually train to identify is the difference between content and process in communication.  Content is the actual “what,” or the facts that we want to share.  Process is the “how” it is being communicated.  We, as intellectual people, often get caught up in content, missing key elements of what is happening between us in a relationship.  Even when we’re choosing our words carefully, how we’re saying them is often out of our awareness, creating a potential mixed message.  Being able to step back and look at the process of a conversation can be a powerful tool in making sure we’re aware of just what is being communicated to best understand its impact.

Remember all the times someone says something that seems nice, but in a tone that really says the opposite?  Or they say “I’m listening,” but seem not to be listening because they’re not making eye contact or worse yet, pick up their phone and glance at it while you’re speaking?  The words they’re saying are the content, but the how they are saying it is the process.  Often, misunderstandings or conflicts in relationships happen because of this multi layered nature of communication with hidden messages or ambivalences that can be frustrating and even hurtful.  

Process based understanding tends to get into the underlying deeper level of what someone is meaning, not just saying.  Noticing how someone is saying something or asking further about their feelings about something, rather than about the facts, is a way of making a deeper connection.  For example, if someone tells you that they baked a cake, one option is to stay with the content and ask them what flavor it was.  Another option is to note how happy they look and ask if they baked it for a special occasion? Or if they are passionate about baking?  Process is a way to understand not just what someone is telling you, but why they are telling it to you.  Interactions that stay in content tend to remain superficial over time.  Process gets to emotion, which is required for intimacy.

When we attend to process, we are given a powerful way to support our relationships.  Are we becoming defensive or is our partner?  Are we cutting them off and not letting them finish or are we listening fully?  Process observations can give us important clues about why we are feeling what we are in a conversation, which may not be in line with the content is of what is being said.  It helps us to steer a conversation away from what may be unproductive or even damaging.  For example, noticing when you are not able to really listen may give you the freedom to request a break from the conversation so that you can re engage when you’re in a better state of mind.  Or noticing that whenever you bring up a certain topic, it triggers a reaction that surprises you.  This can help you step back to see what may be going on underneath and address the real problem rather than the superficial one.  Noticing process gives us more information and opportunities to fix what is happening in our communication.

It’s often easier to pay attention to the process level of things after the fact, especially at first.  For example, if someone was getting defensive when you talked to them, looking back, you may figure out that what you were saying felt threatening to them in some way.  Maybe they felt ashamed after making a mistake, or inadequate, or their feelings were hurt.  Over time, you can learn to have an observing eye to your sense of process while it is happening.  This involves being connected to your feelings, body sensations, and your tone of voice.  Curiosity about the “why” something was said can lead to more empathy and compassion.  It also helps to notice when the process of communicating was comforting or built trust.  Active listening is a great example of process oriented communication.

Because of its connection to feelings and reactions, often requiring vulnerability, process has a way of making people feel closer and deepening interactions.  But as with most power tools, you need to use it wisely and safely.  Too much attention to process and people can feel they are being overanalyzed or second guessed.  Even Freud himself said that sometimes, “a cigar is just a cigar.”  Of course this related to his denial that his smoking was an addiction that needed to be analyzed, even after being diagnosed with mouth cancer.  Perhaps we can infer from his tone that he wasn’t ready to deal with it!

In moving to CA from the Northeast I noticed a difference in culture regarding conflict.  East Coasters let you know where they stand!  I actually miss that.  While I’m probably more comfortable with superficial pleasantness, there is something actually grounding about trusting that people will let me know how they really feel so I don’t have to worry about it.  While I’m comfortable with conflict in my work, because it’s all about other people, I’m inspired by people who seem to disagree with ease.  So to help those of us who avoid confrontation, I found a few articles with some helpful instructions on how to disagree agreeably.

First, let’s take a look at what’s so scary about confrontation.  Most commonly it’s based on a fear of how the other person will react that will be uncomfortable for you.  One fear is not being liked, another is a fear that you are incorrect, another is you’re afraid you won’t be able to articulate your point well enough and you’ll be misunderstood.  The key to overcoming these fears is to prepare yourself and to keep yourself calm.  Our bad experiences of trying to confront someone often involved a time when we were emotional and spoke before we were ready and were reactionary.  It also helps to focus on your intention instead of a particular outcome.

While we can’t control how other people will react, we can control how we approach them which  influences how they may react.  In order to do this we first have to give ourselves permission to speak up.  Instead of thinking of approaching someone as a negative confrontation, it helps to think of your effort as being assertive and sharing how you feel with a desire to attend to a relationship.  Think about what might be gained by expressing yourself.  Perhaps it’ll relieve your stress, help solve a problem, or make you feel respected.  Reconsider your assumptions about speaking up.  Confrontation can be healthy, build trust, and make you feel more confident and valued.  Having a voice helps build self esteem and research shows that handling conflict increases happiness and well being.

Disagreeing with someone effectively is a skill and like any skill can be learned with practice.  Start with someone you trust.  It helps a lot when you have psychological safety and know the person cares about you and how you feel.  Next, ease into the conversation.  Start by taking a deep breath to calm yourself and reduce your anxiety.  Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project encourages people to think of confrontation as “learning conversations.”  In other words, you are seeking an exchange of information and understanding.  Don’t assume you know the other person’s motivation or intention.  Focusing on the impact of an action can help to reduce someone being defensive.  Try to calmly share your concern with a focus on how the situation affected you.  An example might be, “Hey, you might not be aware but…”  It can help to share how their action made you feel, and then invite them to share their feelings.  For example, “the comment you made stung, can you explain what you meant” or “I was frustrated by that, what was it like for you?”  If you can create an atmosphere of sharing and trading perspectives, it aligns you both into a problem solving mode.  If you have a possible solution, offer it and then ask for feedback.

Of course, people won’t always be as open to engaging in this kind of dialogue as we would like.  It might be necessary to express yourself and your intent, and if met by hostility or further conflict, set a limit by disengaging.  Perhaps the other person isn’t receptive at that moment but they will likely have to think about what you’ve said.  Do your best to resist engaging in an escalation of blame or insults.  Protect yourself by a respectful retreat and an invitation to discuss it further when they are ready to be calm, if you feel it might be possible.

There are times when we need to confront someone in a more spontaneous way, however.  Luvvie Ajayi Jones, author of “The Professional Troublemaker,” suggests asking a question.  For example if someone blurts out something offensive, ask them to explain it further.  Chances are, she finds, the person will either double down on the remark or walk it back.  But asking a question shifts the focus to the person who is imposing on others, forcing them to take responsibility.

Be easy on yourself if things don’t go as planned.  Being good at disagreements is as much an art as a science.  The situation and people involved are varied and what works in one situation may not work in another.  But keep practicing.  The most important thing is to challenge the fear that something terrible will happen.  You can grow more confident and less fearful in time.  You might even find yourself enjoying the outcome and feeling good about being brave!  Noone likes to be a pushover.  And sometimes people prefer that you tell them what you think, rather than holding it in and brooding about it.  Take those East Coasters. No angst about hurt feelings or fear of rejection for them. They snap at you, yes, but then they’re over it!  And they expect you to be as well.  And for us overthinkers, that’s kind of refreshing, don’t you think?