Most January’s I have a bit of a spending hangover, with a strong need to get caught up.  This year, however, due to some unexpected expenses, I’m finding it a little more difficult and the stress is building up.  It’s an especially yucky kind of stress, that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed.  I hide my situation like a horrible secret.  When confronted by it, I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong for which I need to be punished.  What starts out as a joyful experience of spending on something pleasant transforms into an evil deed I feel guilty about.  As I know is true for most things, it helps when you know you’re not alone.  For a lot of us, our relationship with money is complicated.  And so as a support to myself and hopefully others, here are some things to think about if you find yourself in a money funk.

Generally, money isn’t polite to talk about in most societies, which creates a built in secrecy-silence.  And with that there’s a money judgment coming at us from all directions; personally, professionally, religiously, and culturally.  Everyone has ideas about how we should be spending our money.  We’re pressured to spend money in so many subtle ways, and many not so subtle.  We want to fit in with our social group, we want to be charitable, and we want to indulge a little bit now and then.  All of this is on top of the bills and things we have to pay, even if we prefer not to, like medical bills and insurance payments.  Money represents our values and puts them to the test.  I often want to please everyone, so I overspend rather than say no to someone or some organization.  It feels so good to be generous, even to ourselves! And our financial situation can quickly take a turn for the worse, with an unfortunate accident or unexpected happening.  While we think we’re in control, we can quickly find our debt is out of our hands.

If you’ve struggled with money in the past or didn’t have much money growing up, this can have a big impact on how you feel about money now.  The attitude your parents had about money can be internalized without you even realizing it.  And your partner may have very different experiences with money and a different attitude about saving and spending.  All of this can get mixed up together. 

Taking an inventory of your own feelings can be helpful in understanding yourself:

-Are there certain times when you are likely to spend more money?

-Are there certain times when you’re more likely to save?

-How do you feel when you spend money?

-Do you feel differently when you spend or save in different areas?

-What emotions emerge when you think about money?

-Which aspects of dealing with money are most stressful, such as opening bills, being misunderstood, having to justify your spending, or feeling deprived?

Like most things that bring us stress and shame, it tends to build on itself, and take on a life of its own.  The more shame we feel, the more we avoid dealing with it.  One important factor is to bring empathy to your situation.  Think of your money situation as a potential mistake, not a personal failure.  Showing yourself understanding is not about letting yourself off the hook but more about allowing yourself to be accountable.  Financial resilience is about acknowledging the factors that led to your stress and problem solving as best you can to realign your financial situation and learn from it.  When we’re emotional, we tend to have blind spots and become reactive.  Allowing yourself to talk things through with someone you trust is another way of reducing anxiety, gaining knowledge, and sharing information.

Some tips that might help:

-Be aware of your warning signs that might lead to overspending (a mood, situation, person) and have a plan for when you encounter these

-Don’t save your credit cards on apps or websites that make it easy to be impulsive

-Delay purchases, take a photo or write it down and see if you still want to spend your money in the same way later on

-Share your goal of saving with other people.  Instead of turning down a social invitation, see if you can change it to something more affordable.  Most people will not mind at all when they know your savings plan.

-Set some savings goals and track your spending toward reaching the goal.  See how your mood improves and your stress decreases when you begin to feel more in control of your finances.

While we associate money with status, it’s important to see it for what it is.  Money is a resource.  Having more of it allows you to do more and having less of it is restrictive.  Not having enough is stressful and getting more of it can feel liberating.  But money is not a measure of your worth or your happiness.  It’s not an indicator of how well you love or what your heart is capable of.  What most financial counselors advise is that the best way to relieve financial stress is to have a plan that step by step brings your spending under control.  And the best way to do this is to bring your situation out of darkness and allow yourself to address it as a problem to be solved and not as a failure to be ashamed of.  Ahhh, the old adage, tried and true can be applied:  Name it to tame it.  I spent more than was wise this last December, and so I’m balancing it out in the New Year.  And with any luck, I’ll be able to spend again by next December!