With the holiday season upon us, there’ll be lots of social gatherings.  Oh so many gatherings – family, friends, co-workers, volunteer events, and on and on.  These celebrations are really lovely most of the time, but for a lot of us there are those situations and those people that make it really challenging to have fun.  One of those types of people and interactions has to do with interruptions.  I really hear it a lot about how people dread a holiday meal because they get talked over and cut off, feel invalidated and insignificant, no matter what they try to say.  So today, in preparation for the season, I did a little digging into cutting people off.

The first thing I have to say is we all do it!  I really like to pride myself on being a good listener, but the truth is, I am a good listener when I’m focused on it.  But in family discussions, I’ve been accurately accused of cutting someone off.  Am I a narcissist only focused on myself?  I think not.  Am I selfish, wanting only to hear my own voice?  I hope not.  So what is it that makes generally well intentioned people interrupt and take the attention away from someone else?

There is a psychology to interrupting.  Research on interrupting behavior indicates certain factors that determine how often someone does it.  One aspect is culture and family background.  For some families, the norm is to talk over one another and to cut in to make your point.  These people tend not to be aware of their interrupting and see it as a normal part of an interesting and dynamic conversation.  It isn’t quite seen as interrupting as it is a normal part of discourse.  For some interrupters, it is a matter of impatience.  These people tend to be goal driven people who want to get straight to a point and take control of a conversation pace.  And for some circumstances, a person is so excited about what is being talked about that they cannot control their own impulse to share and contribute their ideas.  People also tend to interrupt when they’re afraid they’ll forget what they want to say.  It’s common for older people to interrupt more frequently as they worry if they don’t say something, they’ll lose what they want to say.

There are also gender differences in interrupting behavior.  Research from George Washington University demonstrated that men interrupt women more than they interrupt men.  In fact, they found that men interrupted women 33% more often than they did other men.  In measuring a 3 minute conversation, men interrupted women 2.1 times and other men only 1.8 times.  In contrast, women interrupted both women and men only once.  These gender differences may be a result of unspoken power differentials.  People who have an ascribed higher status tend to feel others want to hear what they have to say.

While it may not be intentional, interrupting, even for benign reasons, can have an eroding effect in a relationship.  When we’re interrupted it feels as if our opinions or thoughts aren’t valued and leave us feeling powerless and shut down.  In fact, interrupting can have a strong effect of controlling the other person in denying their basic rights to even express an opinion, idea, or feeling.  It is a form of dominance when done to an extreme.

So, what can we do about interrupting?  There are ways to address it both as a person who is interrupting and as a person who is being interrupted.  The first step is to pay more attention. Just noticing your impulse to jump in before someone is finished is a big help.  And as a speaker, are you allowing others to have equal time in speaking?  Are you picking up social cues that others are wanting to join in?  Sometimes a speaker can invite interruptions if they tend to be a long drawn out story teller.  Make sure there is a lot of back and forth opportunity in the flow of your conversation.  Being a respectful speaker can go a long way into fostering respectful listeners.

And to address the interrupters, sometimes a little hand gesture can do the trick.  Lifting your hand up with a subtle, “let me finish my thought” movement can be enough.  Other times you can set the stage to avoid being interrupted.  For example, at work, you can let people know that you will present your ideas and then there will be time for questions and feedback.  Set an expectation that you want to be listened to fully first.  And in more casual conversations, you can set the stage by asking if you can tell them a story of what happened to you that is rather complicated and  “I’d love to hear your thoughts when I’m done.” Or simply a firm statement, “May I finish, please,” can be a polite way that seems like a request but is actually setting a boundary.

Of course, if you can address this with someone at a time when you are calm, that could be the most helpful.  Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is important rather than accusing them of intentional disrespect.  Be curious.  “I noticed you were interrupting me a lot. Were you just really excited about the idea?”  Or, “I wonder if you were in a hurry?”  Often people don’t notice they’re even doing it.  You may want to ask their permission if you can let them know when it happens and then have a reminder cue at the ready.

And what if it’s your Uncle Fred who dominates the dinner conversation every Thanksgiving?  It may not be worth it to make a fuss.  The best thing is not to allow yourself to be triggered into reactive behavior.  It’s easy to become passive aggressive or snippy at these times, which only makes it unpleasant for you.  Why not make it a drinking game, every time Fred interrupts, you and your sibling lift your glass with a smile? Or start a conversation with other people sitting near you?  Or think of the potential benefits.  While Uncle Fred is babbling on and on, the rest of you can finish all the pie. I tend to be less talkative when pecan pie is at hand…and in my mouth!