A lovely woman that I work with was agitated and tearful, covering her face with the words, “I feel like I just don’t matter.”  Indeed, in some ways she was right, unfortunately.  Her daughter has a progressive neurological disease, and despite how much she wants to fix things for her daughter, her efforts will not be successful.  In reflecting with this devoted mother, we talked about the sense of helplessness that can envelope us when we can’t control the things we wish we could.  Feeling like you don’t matter is  such a common experience during hard times, adding to feelings of isolation on a very deep level.  So when I saw a write up about a book, The Psychology of Mattering, it caught my attention, confirming my sense of how important this attribute is to well being.  In today’s post, I hope to share with you about this important component of mental health in the hope that it matters.

Author Gordon Flett, a professor at New York University, has done extensive research on the topic of “mattering.”  He concludes that a sense of mattering is a core human need and is an important component in healthy relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Mattering refers to feeling valued, heard, and appreciated.  It differs from self esteem, connection, or belonging.  Mattering is more than just feeling that you belong in a group, but that you would be missed if you weren’t there.  To matter, you need to feel like you add value in a way that makes you feel capable, important, and trusted.  Isaac Prlleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami, describes it as a two part definition:  Both feeling valued and adding value. 

Research suggests that when we feel like we matter, we experience more self compassion, relationship satisfaction, and have a greater belief in our capacity to achieve our goals.  In contrast, when we feel we don’t matter, we tend to experience burn out, self criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression, and are even at greater risk of suicide.  We can all relate to this contrast.  Think about a relationship in which you feel you matter.  It’s a wonderful feeling! I have great memories of my Grandmother Rose, who even before I knew about this concept, taught me about this feeling.  She always listened to me with great interest and reached out when it was important. Even when she lost her eyesight, she could tell in my voice how I was doing.   She made me feel I could do what I dreamt of.  We can also think about relationships or settings/groups in which we don’t feel like we matter.  It’s so disheartening. In fact, in close relationships, especially in families, not mattering can be a form of abuse with long term effects on self worth.  Neglect was once aptly described to me as “abuse of the soul.”

When it comes to mattering, we can’t change how we were raised or if we’ve experienced discrimination, exclusion, or unfair treatment in many circumstances, which all have a great impact on our sense of mattering.  But there are things we can do to change how we perceive our value and to mitigate the effects of these circumstances.  Researchers suggest several steps to help increase our sense of mattering.  First, it can help to identify your own strengths.  Think about a time when you felt useful.  What activities make you feel not only that you are good at them, but that make you feel good while you’re doing them.  Then look for ways you can increase engagement in these activities and how you might incorporate them in places where you might feel unseen or disenfranchised.  Look for activities with values and goals that align with what matters to you and invest your time in them. Another tool for increasing your sense of mattering is to do an inventory of the areas of your life and compare where you feel valued and where you don’t.  What do these things have in common and what makes them different?  Can you make changes or is it time to shift your focus, not wasting your time trying to get “blood from a stone?”  For example, when you’ve made efforts to be seen or be rewarded for your work, are you met with resistance or were you acknowledged? 

Another tool to increase your feeling of mattering is to actively increase your presence in your relationships.  Dr. Prilleltensky recommends telling people why and how much you appreciate them.  You can add value in your relationships by asking someone open ended questions to better understand their perspectives while communicating that you care about their experiences.  By being more present with people, you increase their awareness of your presence.  In contrast, if you have tried and don’t get the acknowledgement you need, it’s ok to pull back from a relationship.  We have a broad spectrum of relationships to choose from, in our work life, personal life, and in our families.  Shifting your focus and choosing with whom you spend your time and energy is a way of taking control.  There are times when we blame ourselves for not mattering, and it can wear on our self esteem.  We can internalize a sense of not mattering and begin to feel helpless and worthless. 

Just as mattering is a basic human need, it’s also true that having this need go unmet is a part of the human experience.  So when you can, remind yourself that you’re not alone and that the sense of being worthless is not a fact, but a feeling.  Try not to over-identify with the feeling and shift your focus to gently challenge the idea.  What about the situation, not you, is making you feel less valued?  What can you do or whom can you connect with to help support your sense of value?  

And like the woman I shared about in the opening of this post, being in a helpless and scary situation can challenge our sense of mattering, as we feel inadequate to the circumstances.  But indeed, she did matter, quite forcefully, in being there for her daughter and providing loving compassion and support.    But often when we’re in the middle of feeling we don’t matter, it takes someone else to point it out to us and provide perspective.  Everyone needs and deserves a Granny Rose.  I used to call her  when I was feeling unseen.  Just hearing her cheerful voice saying in her deep NY accent, “Heddo, Dawling” made me feel better.  Now I try to honor her memory by hoping  to be that voice for others.  I sure do miss her.  She truly mattered!