If you’ve had the feeling that people seem to be less polite than in the past, research confirms your suspicions.  In a recent survey by Harvard Business Review, for example, it seems to be a global phenomena, showing an increase around the world in experiences of rude behavior compared to past survey results. Survey respondents cited an increase not only from customers to employees, but also between customers.  If you’re like me, when someone is acting very rudely , I’m conflicted.  I don’t want to be a passive observer, especially if it’s directed at someone else, but I also don’t want to escalate the situation.  So in today’s post, I wanted to take a little time to think about rudeness and how to respond best when you encounter it.

We are a world under stress – pandemic limitations, wearing masks, divided politics, so many distractions and demands of our time and attention.  And with this stress, we seem to have lost the boundaries of cultural civility.  All around us, people are expressing their anger, their frustration, their displeasure, or their disagreements with less regard for the impact on others. And when someone is being rude, it tends to spread.  There is a contagion factor of rudeness that gives it permission and is perhaps why we have been seeing it spread.  

So, when you encounter rudeness, the first step is to take a deep breath.  Most people become reactive, naturally feeling a sense of defensiveness and wanting to protect or stand up for themselves.  But this tends to backfire and escalate the negative interaction.  Sometimes when people are having a bad day, they provoke people around them in order to find someone to blame or take their frustration out on.  Don’t let yourself become an easy target.  You will be most effective if you can keep yourself calm and not throw something back at the rudeness perpetrator.  

It helps to remember this is not about you.  Although it is directed at you, it’s not about you.  Keeping it from being personal helps you to stay calm and keeps the focus on the other person and what is happening with them.  If you can figure out what’s going on for them, it helps to give you a choice as to how to respond along with the ability to walk away if desired.  You are not required to engage with someone if they’re being rude.

Ask anyone who’s worked in retail and they’ll tell you how they had to learn how to de-escalate in order to do their job.  Start by listening to what the person is saying, trying to ignore how they are saying it.  Sometimes what comes off as rudeness is really born out of confusion or frustration at feeling wronged or ignored.  Let them know that you’ve heard what they’re saying and give them your undivided attention.  People will often automatically calm down when they feel someone is listening.  They may even apologize when they can let go of their fight and realize how they are coming across.  Rudeness often comes from impatience and if people can understand why things are taking longer or why it’s not going as expected, it can help ease the frustration.

Sometimes in the right situation you can point out to the person that they’re coming across rudely.  This works better with people you know, such as a family member, friend, or co-worker.  They may not realize what they’re doing and how it’s affecting you.  For example, you might ask, “Hey, this is important to me, can you put down your phone?” Or, “When you made a joke about my mistake in the meeting, it was really embarrassing.”  Sometimes, when we’re with people we feel comfortable with, we get a little lazy with our habits or manners  But even with a stranger, setting your boundary or expectation can be an important step in communication.  For example you may need to tell a customer that you’d like to help them and if they can lower their voice it would help you to hear them.

One of the best ways I’ve learned to respond to people when they’re rude (I’m often asked to step in at work if someone is behaving badly in the waiting room) is simply to look someone in the eye with an empathic and kind expression and ask  “are you okay?”  This response has a way of both showing I care what is happening for them and also keeps it about them.  Sometimes it helps people put into words what’s bothering them and gives them the message that they are showing the world their pain in a way that may bring them more pain.

Of course the kindness approach doesn’t always work.  I’ve had people tell me to mind my own f***ing business more than a few times.  But generally, showing kindness does have the benefit of making you feel good about how you’re responding rather than triggering you into a response you’ll later regret.  Which leads me to my closing thought that’s emerged as I’ve been writing this. We need to ask ourselves about our own rude behavior.  There are so many ways that our little habits may be rude to others, including talking on the phone in a public place, looking at your phone while talking to someone, interrupting someone when they’re talking, or demanding rather than asking for something.  And body language is important, too.  We can subtly roll our eyes, avoid eye contact, or fidget impatiently.

Sometimes, being aware of our own rude behavior can make us less irritated by other people’s behavior.  You know it’s not personal since you yourself aren’t intending to be rude when you do it. The fact is we might all benefit from a bit of civility awareness.  And if you truly want to address your own bad habits, I leave you with a challenge.  If you’re brave enough, ask someone you trust to point out these behaviors.  It’s a little humbling to be made aware of it, even if we didn’t mean it.  But, please, remember, when they do tell you about something you’ve just done that’s rude, respond with kindness.  You asked!