A lovely woman that I work with was agitated and tearful, covering her face with the words, “I feel like I just don’t matter.”  Indeed, in some ways she was right, unfortunately.  Her daughter has a progressive neurological disease, and despite how much she wants to fix things for her daughter, her efforts will not be successful.  In reflecting with this devoted mother, we talked about the sense of helplessness that can envelope us when we can’t control the things we wish we could.  Feeling like you don’t matter is  such a common experience during hard times, adding to feelings of isolation on a very deep level.  So when I saw a write up about a book, The Psychology of Mattering, it caught my attention, confirming my sense of how important this attribute is to well being.  In today’s post, I hope to share with you about this important component of mental health in the hope that it matters.

Author Gordon Flett, a professor at New York University, has done extensive research on the topic of “mattering.”  He concludes that a sense of mattering is a core human need and is an important component in healthy relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Mattering refers to feeling valued, heard, and appreciated.  It differs from self esteem, connection, or belonging.  Mattering is more than just feeling that you belong in a group, but that you would be missed if you weren’t there.  To matter, you need to feel like you add value in a way that makes you feel capable, important, and trusted.  Isaac Prlleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami, describes it as a two part definition:  Both feeling valued and adding value. 

Research suggests that when we feel like we matter, we experience more self compassion, relationship satisfaction, and have a greater belief in our capacity to achieve our goals.  In contrast, when we feel we don’t matter, we tend to experience burn out, self criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression, and are even at greater risk of suicide.  We can all relate to this contrast.  Think about a relationship in which you feel you matter.  It’s a wonderful feeling! I have great memories of my Grandmother Rose, who even before I knew about this concept, taught me about this feeling.  She always listened to me with great interest and reached out when it was important. Even when she lost her eyesight, she could tell in my voice how I was doing.   She made me feel I could do what I dreamt of.  We can also think about relationships or settings/groups in which we don’t feel like we matter.  It’s so disheartening. In fact, in close relationships, especially in families, not mattering can be a form of abuse with long term effects on self worth.  Neglect was once aptly described to me as “abuse of the soul.”

When it comes to mattering, we can’t change how we were raised or if we’ve experienced discrimination, exclusion, or unfair treatment in many circumstances, which all have a great impact on our sense of mattering.  But there are things we can do to change how we perceive our value and to mitigate the effects of these circumstances.  Researchers suggest several steps to help increase our sense of mattering.  First, it can help to identify your own strengths.  Think about a time when you felt useful.  What activities make you feel not only that you are good at them, but that make you feel good while you’re doing them.  Then look for ways you can increase engagement in these activities and how you might incorporate them in places where you might feel unseen or disenfranchised.  Look for activities with values and goals that align with what matters to you and invest your time in them. Another tool for increasing your sense of mattering is to do an inventory of the areas of your life and compare where you feel valued and where you don’t.  What do these things have in common and what makes them different?  Can you make changes or is it time to shift your focus, not wasting your time trying to get “blood from a stone?”  For example, when you’ve made efforts to be seen or be rewarded for your work, are you met with resistance or were you acknowledged? 

Another tool to increase your feeling of mattering is to actively increase your presence in your relationships.  Dr. Prilleltensky recommends telling people why and how much you appreciate them.  You can add value in your relationships by asking someone open ended questions to better understand their perspectives while communicating that you care about their experiences.  By being more present with people, you increase their awareness of your presence.  In contrast, if you have tried and don’t get the acknowledgement you need, it’s ok to pull back from a relationship.  We have a broad spectrum of relationships to choose from, in our work life, personal life, and in our families.  Shifting your focus and choosing with whom you spend your time and energy is a way of taking control.  There are times when we blame ourselves for not mattering, and it can wear on our self esteem.  We can internalize a sense of not mattering and begin to feel helpless and worthless. 

Just as mattering is a basic human need, it’s also true that having this need go unmet is a part of the human experience.  So when you can, remind yourself that you’re not alone and that the sense of being worthless is not a fact, but a feeling.  Try not to over-identify with the feeling and shift your focus to gently challenge the idea.  What about the situation, not you, is making you feel less valued?  What can you do or whom can you connect with to help support your sense of value?  

And like the woman I shared about in the opening of this post, being in a helpless and scary situation can challenge our sense of mattering, as we feel inadequate to the circumstances.  But indeed, she did matter, quite forcefully, in being there for her daughter and providing loving compassion and support.    But often when we’re in the middle of feeling we don’t matter, it takes someone else to point it out to us and provide perspective.  Everyone needs and deserves a Granny Rose.  I used to call her  when I was feeling unseen.  Just hearing her cheerful voice saying in her deep NY accent, “Heddo, Dawling” made me feel better.  Now I try to honor her memory by hoping  to be that voice for others.  I sure do miss her.  She truly mattered!

If you’ve had the feeling that people seem to be less polite than in the past, research confirms your suspicions.  In a recent survey by Harvard Business Review, for example, it seems to be a global phenomena, showing an increase around the world in experiences of rude behavior compared to past survey results. Survey respondents cited an increase not only from customers to employees, but also between customers.  If you’re like me, when someone is acting very rudely , I’m conflicted.  I don’t want to be a passive observer, especially if it’s directed at someone else, but I also don’t want to escalate the situation.  So in today’s post, I wanted to take a little time to think about rudeness and how to respond best when you encounter it.

We are a world under stress – pandemic limitations, wearing masks, divided politics, so many distractions and demands of our time and attention.  And with this stress, we seem to have lost the boundaries of cultural civility.  All around us, people are expressing their anger, their frustration, their displeasure, or their disagreements with less regard for the impact on others. And when someone is being rude, it tends to spread.  There is a contagion factor of rudeness that gives it permission and is perhaps why we have been seeing it spread.  

So, when you encounter rudeness, the first step is to take a deep breath.  Most people become reactive, naturally feeling a sense of defensiveness and wanting to protect or stand up for themselves.  But this tends to backfire and escalate the negative interaction.  Sometimes when people are having a bad day, they provoke people around them in order to find someone to blame or take their frustration out on.  Don’t let yourself become an easy target.  You will be most effective if you can keep yourself calm and not throw something back at the rudeness perpetrator.  

It helps to remember this is not about you.  Although it is directed at you, it’s not about you.  Keeping it from being personal helps you to stay calm and keeps the focus on the other person and what is happening with them.  If you can figure out what’s going on for them, it helps to give you a choice as to how to respond along with the ability to walk away if desired.  You are not required to engage with someone if they’re being rude.

Ask anyone who’s worked in retail and they’ll tell you how they had to learn how to de-escalate in order to do their job.  Start by listening to what the person is saying, trying to ignore how they are saying it.  Sometimes what comes off as rudeness is really born out of confusion or frustration at feeling wronged or ignored.  Let them know that you’ve heard what they’re saying and give them your undivided attention.  People will often automatically calm down when they feel someone is listening.  They may even apologize when they can let go of their fight and realize how they are coming across.  Rudeness often comes from impatience and if people can understand why things are taking longer or why it’s not going as expected, it can help ease the frustration.

Sometimes in the right situation you can point out to the person that they’re coming across rudely.  This works better with people you know, such as a family member, friend, or co-worker.  They may not realize what they’re doing and how it’s affecting you.  For example, you might ask, “Hey, this is important to me, can you put down your phone?” Or, “When you made a joke about my mistake in the meeting, it was really embarrassing.”  Sometimes, when we’re with people we feel comfortable with, we get a little lazy with our habits or manners  But even with a stranger, setting your boundary or expectation can be an important step in communication.  For example you may need to tell a customer that you’d like to help them and if they can lower their voice it would help you to hear them.

One of the best ways I’ve learned to respond to people when they’re rude (I’m often asked to step in at work if someone is behaving badly in the waiting room) is simply to look someone in the eye with an empathic and kind expression and ask  “are you okay?”  This response has a way of both showing I care what is happening for them and also keeps it about them.  Sometimes it helps people put into words what’s bothering them and gives them the message that they are showing the world their pain in a way that may bring them more pain.

Of course the kindness approach doesn’t always work.  I’ve had people tell me to mind my own f***ing business more than a few times.  But generally, showing kindness does have the benefit of making you feel good about how you’re responding rather than triggering you into a response you’ll later regret.  Which leads me to my closing thought that’s emerged as I’ve been writing this. We need to ask ourselves about our own rude behavior.  There are so many ways that our little habits may be rude to others, including talking on the phone in a public place, looking at your phone while talking to someone, interrupting someone when they’re talking, or demanding rather than asking for something.  And body language is important, too.  We can subtly roll our eyes, avoid eye contact, or fidget impatiently.

Sometimes, being aware of our own rude behavior can make us less irritated by other people’s behavior.  You know it’s not personal since you yourself aren’t intending to be rude when you do it. The fact is we might all benefit from a bit of civility awareness.  And if you truly want to address your own bad habits, I leave you with a challenge.  If you’re brave enough, ask someone you trust to point out these behaviors.  It’s a little humbling to be made aware of it, even if we didn’t mean it.  But, please, remember, when they do tell you about something you’ve just done that’s rude, respond with kindness.  You asked!