In my last post, inspired by my yearly Back to School nostalgia, I proposed the idea of  applying a Back to School attitude to areas of our life where we might benefit from a reset.  This process involved letting go of old attitudes or habits, clarifying priorities and goals, and cleaning out clutter to set the stage for a fresh start.  But sometimes what needs resetting is a relationship that has gone off track or maybe could just benefit from a tune up.  It gets a bit trickier to apply a reset to a relationship, however.  We can’t just simply start over, as there’s a lot of history, and we can’t control the other person to make them align with what we want.  But there are some strategies we can use to freshen up a relationship and with the advice I’ve reviewed from a multitude of relationship experts, I’ll share what might be helpful in applying a Back to School mindset with others.

Most experts advise that the first step in a relationship reset is to assess what is currently working and not working in your relationship.  If possible, do it with the other person and be prepared to be open to what they have to say.  Keeping a positive frame is important, making it clear you’re engaging in the process as a way to show love or a desire to be closer to someone.  Share what you may have learned about yourself or ways that you notice that you’ve grown, as well as how they have.  Also, list the strengths and what is working in addition to what you may want to shift.  And be collaborative.  Set some goals that would benefit the both of you and avoid piling blame on things you can’t change.

A next step may be to make some plans together.  Sometimes it can be helpful to start some new activities or habits together.  It can build a sense of trust and partnership.  It can also help in setting aside old baggage.  For example if you used to run together, but one of you is slower and it caused conflict, try a new activity where you both can be beginners.  Starting something new can help to let go of old baggage. Our brain’s crave novel experiences, which in turn can enhance connection and interest in the relationship.  Maybe you can take on a project that excites you both. Research shows that when people work together as a team, the quality and satisfaction in the relationship is significantly improved.  And see how you can make it fun. Perhaps you can make a chores chart and if all the chores get done, you get take out, for example. Finding ways to align together in a change can create more intimacy rather than fuel resentment and disconnection by waiting for the other person to change.

Research also shows it’s important to spend time apart, even if it’s going for a short walk by yourself.  Being alone gives you time to process things happening in your day and to consolidate your own identity and reactions.  In turn, this helps us be less reactive to others and to be more in touch with what’s most important to who we are, helping us to be less defensive or threatened by the demands of a relationship.  And when you re-engage, make sure you express the appreciation you have for the other person.  Often we have a lot of love in our hearts, but we don’t feel the need to show it.  Studies show that the most successful relationships included the expressions of appreciation and the more specific the better.  For example when you notice your partner having taken care of a task, taking a moment to say something about what they did and how it mattered to you can be a great way to keep the relationship fresh.  When someone makes a gesture of kindness, the tendency is for the other person to want to reciprocate.  A reset may involve nothing more than a few thoughtful actions or words that can change the tenor and mood between people.

Most therapists are big believers in systems theory of change.  Succinctly put, any change that happens in one area of a system will affect change throughout the entire system.  It’s an important concept when thinking about relationship change.  Sometimes we don’t have the opportunity or authority to talk with a willing partner about what we’d like to reset in our relationship, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make change that matters.  By changing your own behavior you reset the equilibrium of a relationship and can impact your interactions.  For example, maybe you can’t tell your boss that you don’t like how she presents feedback, but you can initiate a conversation in a style that is more comfortable for you.  Or if someone is insensitive to your feelings, you can shift your conversations to more superficial topics to protect yourself.  Or the reverse, maybe asking some questions to get to know someone will help you feel closer.  We often have more power than we think when it comes to how our conversations and relationship patterns go.  Looking at your own reset can help empower you in relational situations where you’ve felt frustrated or disrespected.

And I can’t finish a post about using a Back to School mindset without the shopping.  Whenever we start something new, even if it’s a new approach to something old, having something tangible can be helpful.  Why not try a new restaurant, or buy a new pair of pajamas, or a new pair of candlesticks for your table? While we can’t buy our way out of bad habits or patterns, we can use a new purchase to remind us of our goals or new intentions. The more we invest in our relationship, the more we will be rewarded, right?

In my town, both celebrated and dreaded, it’s ”back to school” time. Although at this point in my life it really doesn’t affect me very much, except for good sales and bad traffic, I tend to become deeply nostalgic.  I loved back to school time. I relished the reliability and promise of a fresh start.  I would anticipate the new classes and teachers I’d have, the brand new set of pencils and notebooks, and with college and graduate school, maybe even a change in apartments.  While there’s a lot to be said for the stability of a long term job or relationship, it’s easy to take things for granted without an imposed transition, both in becoming complacent with what is and losing our perspective about how we could be doing better.  So in this post I’m going invite you to step back from your day to day to apply the perspective of a back to school mindset on the long term aspects of your life. 

Back to school offers a clean slate and with it the perfect chance for change.  But whether you’re truly starting something new or resetting something that’s been ongoing, to take advantage of the process, it really needs to start with self reflection.  How’s it going right now?  What went well this past year and what would I like to be different?  We can’t make any effective changes unless we understand where we are now and where we’ve come from.  I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years this summer.  I think back to the roles and responsibilities that I was hired to do, and compared to what I’m doing now, a lot has changed.  Some of it required some conscious thought, especially with changes brought on by the pandemic, and some of it just slowly evolved over time in reaction to things happening in my organization or in the field in general.  By acknowledging this change, I get the chance to decide if this is what I want.  I can then take the opportunity to intentionally see how I can shift my day to day in order to realign with what I would prefer to be doing.  

Through this self reflection, resetting naturally involves redefining your priorities.  Through the push and pull of daily demands, we tend to lose sight of what’s most important, giving in to what gets us through the day.  Resets allow us to take a broader perspective to see if we’re on track with what we really want.  It also involves being realistic about what we do have the power to change and what we can’t control.  A reset can shift us from putting blame on things to taking stock of what power we do have.

Once you have a better perspective on what’s not working, what you want to move toward, and what you can change, it helps to set goals and evaluate your progress toward them. This puts your reset into achievable steps.  Rather than simply saying, I’m going to do better this semester, we can break it down into specific pieces that help us take action.  For example, using the school analogy, I’m going to work with a tutor this year in Math, or I’m going to attend three school events each month, etc.  The point is, in order to achieve the desired change it helps to outline the action steps needed to take us toward the goal and then measure our progress. Do your goals align with your priorities and do the action steps bring you closer to the goals?  Unlike school, however, we get to choose when and how we are tested.  But if we don’t stop to evaluate the progress of our change, it’s easy for it to drift or to keep pursuing goals that don’t bring us the desired results.

And don’t forget to clean out your backpack.  Truly.  One of the things that helps people with a back to school fresh start is clearing out the clutter left behind.  This clutter could be mental, such as bad habits or attitudes.  A reset could offer an opportunity to create a new schedule or a new structure that will support our priorities, such as joining a group or journaling to keep track of our experience.  Or the clutter could be physical, such as the accumulation of stuff in your environment that bogs you down or gets in the way of feeling efficient and focused.  Sometimes we get so used to the broken latch or the stove that doesn’t really work that it creates an accumulation of annoyances that can be lifted by doing some simple reorganization or home repairs.  Just cleaning out my refrigerator makes me want to cook, for example.  Or fixing the light on the front porch that I curse every time I trip in the dark creates a sense of relief and a momentum for success.

And finally, and maybe the part I miss the most, don’t forget to reward yourself with some back to school shopping.  Just because you don’t go to school doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from a refreshed look that matches with your renewed priorities!  Or a new bag to hold the lunch you’re now packing!  Resets should offer a little bit of fun and excitement.  I still have vivid memories about the new dress my mom would let us choose each year for the first day of school (ah, that plaid jumper in third grade).  I would hang it on my doorway and count down until I could wear it.  My mom was smart to distract us with something shiny and new to look forward to. Because with four kids, what a relief it must have been to see us all off on the school bus after a long summer of us at home. 

There’s a reason why organizations have strategic planning sessions, annual meetings, and retreats. Just like Back to School time, without a planned break in the action, it’s so easy to just keep rolling along. A back to school mindset can help us clean off the dust we’ve picked up along the way and make sure we’re rolling in the right direction!