We all go through hard times of profound disappointment or even complete heart break when things don’t turn out as we’d really wanted them to.  Our friends, trying to be comforting, tell us, “things usually work out for the best,” but to be honest, it makes you want to punch them, right?  Because things are not working out for the best.  We are hurt, annoyed, and very sad.  Our hopes and dreams have been thwarted and the future we planned has been snatched away.  And then the self doubt tends to creep in.  What did I do wrong, why didn’t they choose me, and, the biggest fear of all, what if I never have this opportunity again?

Throughout my life I’ve often wished for a crystal ball.  I would think to myself, it would be so much easier to let this thing go if I could see in a crystal ball that it will end up ok.  How comforting it would be to know that despite how hard it is right now, some day it will feel better and I will look back at this hurtful experience as an important crossroads that led to something better.  Perspective is such a hard thing to have when you’re in the middle of a crisis. It’s so much easier to look back to see how not getting one thing led to something better in the long run.  But at the time of the loss or disappointment, you have no idea of where things will lead or if things will work out in the end.  You are engulfed with the powerless feeling of loss and unfulfilled potential.

One of the best things about getting older is the benefit of a LOT of hindsight.  At the time I didn’t get into the graduate school of my choice, I thought my career was going to end before it started.  But eventually I got into a program that was a much better fit, with much better funding, and although it was not the shortest path to my goal, I was better off for the detour.  And same thing with relationships.  When I was heartbroken over what I thought was the right one, another detour led to my current life partner.  With so many years of seeing how life will twist and turn to bring you unexpected opportunities, it’s much easier to have faith in things working out in the long run.  You develop the confidence that you can trust yourself to heal from your sadness and move forward toward the unknown of what can be.

So the fact is we have to be our own crystal ball image makers. We need to supply ourselves with reassuring visions that reflect our capacities and resilience. So much of anxiety is really thoughts of potentially bad things happening that we won’t be able to handle.  But if we can tap into a reservoir of self-confidence that we have what it takes to make the best of what is coming, we can then tell ourselves, and believe, that we will be ok.  Despite how hard things may be at the moment, it’s the trust in our own ability that can comfort us. In this way, the future, rather than being a scary place of dead ends becomes an array of possible paths we can take to find our way to contentment.

Experiencing rejection or disappointment is hard as hell, I’m really not wanting to minimize this.  But often, especially when we’re young or inexperienced in an area of life, we make it even harder with our own tortuous projections of future failures or unfulfilled longings.   Before you reach my age of long living, I hope I can support you in a healthy perspective that may ease your pain and comfort you through a difficult change.  Create your own crystal ball that shows you the dreams you will make happen rather than fears you will be haunted by.  And don’t forget to polish it up every now and then with the strokes of those who love you.  They’re often great mirrors to reflect your strengths and hold the hope for you during the times when you aren’t able.