What’s the saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, it’s on me, and I’m feeling shame.  In the past short while I’ve been pulled into two unfortunate scam situations.  One involved clicking on something that exposed my computer to a potentially disastrous virus (I haven’t seen my husband run that fast in a while).  The other was when purchasing an item online, I clicked on an offer to get free shipping, which ultimately led to three months of $18 charges to be a part of their “reward program.”  I surely did not feel rewarded and, in fact, felt like a fool wasting considerable time connecting to their customer service to undo my future “rewards.”  I did feel a little better, though, when an article in my American Psychological Association journal caught my eye, literally titled “Nobody’s Fool:  Why We Get Taken In and What We Can Do About It.”  I thought I’d share a few tips to help us all avoid these inevitable lapses in judgment that at best cause us aggravation, and at worst can lead to considerable losses and betrayals.

In their research, Daniel Simons, PhD, and Christopher Chabris, PhD, examined the cognitive habits that put us at risk of being deceived.  What most scammers have in common is their use of “the mental shortcuts and patterns of thinking we tend to use in our daily lives.”  As they explain, most of the time, these habits serve us well.  It would be too challenging and time consuming to go through life skeptical of everything we hear and read.  But the same habits of trust and belief that work well most of the time leave us vulnerable to people who are trying to mislead us.  And we all tend to think we’re smarter than the people we hear about who’ve gotten scammed.  The reason for that, the researchers note, is that whenever you hear about a scam, it’s in retrospect and happening to someone else.  But when a scam is targeting you, in particular, meeting your own demand, wish, or want in the moment, you’re more likely to fall for it.  The authors conclude that most of us can be deceived if the targeting is aimed at us and takes advantage of the way we think and the information we’re looking for.

One common cognitive bias we have is the truth bias, our default tendency to think whatever we hear or read or encounter is true.  We have this bias as a natural result of being social.  We rely on it in order to make plans, have conversations, and go about our days engaging in the world.  Another cognitive bias involves our focus.  We tend to rely on the information that’s right in front of us, that’s easily at hand.  This information is often provided for us, conveniently oriented to getting us to do what the scammer wants us to do.  Another bias is our own desire.  When someone gives us exactly what we’re looking for (free shipping anyone?), we tend to accept it much more readily than if someone tells us the opposite of what we want to hear.  We’re much more likely to forward a post on Instagram without stopping to think when it matches our beliefs.

A lot of scams involve promising something that’s too good to be true, like a medical benefit or investment outcome.  The problem is, that what sounds too good to be true to one person is just good enough for someone else to want to try it. And that’s all a scammer needs, is that right person who is just wanting it enough to try it.  A general principle the authors share is that anytime you are promised a big effect from a small intervention, that’s when you should require the strongest amount of evidence.  Can one daily supplement really get rid of all of your wrinkles? Scammers play the odds.  The Nigerian prince email looks ridiculous, but it doesn’t have to fool most people.  It only has to convince a handful of people who are willing to respond.  And in this way, the scammers have selected out the people most likely to send money.  Or the people most vulnerable to pressure tactics who are especially afraid of being penalized by the IRS or some other institution of authority when threatened.

Almost everybody is capable of being conned or scammed under the right circumstances (Theranos?).  But it’s wearisome to go about life always on guard and skeptical.  It’s important to know for yourself when it actually matters to put in the effort to second guess and fact check.  For bigger decisions with large consequences or times when just taking an extra minute might save you time and money later, it can surely be worth it.

It helps to be aware that, in general,  all of us are more vulnerable to scams than we realize. A few questions to ask in order to weed out possible deception:

-Did you solicit the offer or was it unsolicited?

-Were you called by an outside party?  If yes, can you call them back?

-Does the deal look too good to be true?

-Are you asked to keep the information confidential?

-Do you have to send money in order to start the process?

-Is there any urgency communicated by the other party?

-Is there an enticing prize or reward involved?

-Do you have to provide details that you wouldn’t normally have to provide?

And a final point, which is my biggest vulnerability, is time!  Most often I’m vulnerable to clicking on something when I’m in a hurry.  It’s usually in the morning when I’m sorting through emails and want to get done before I’m off to work.  I was click happy in the case of the virus email.  And in the case of my “free shipping” reward, I’d spent so long choosing my beloved gift in just the right size, that checking out was the afterthought.  I went for the big colorful button that said “Free Shipping Reward” and, apparently, missed the fine print.  And even more apparently,  I’m gullible enough to think the company wanted to give me a reward for just being little ol’ me! 

We all go through hard times of profound disappointment or even complete heart break when things don’t turn out as we’d really wanted them to.  Our friends, trying to be comforting, tell us, “things usually work out for the best,” but to be honest, it makes you want to punch them, right?  Because things are not working out for the best.  We are hurt, annoyed, and very sad.  Our hopes and dreams have been thwarted and the future we planned has been snatched away.  And then the self doubt tends to creep in.  What did I do wrong, why didn’t they choose me, and, the biggest fear of all, what if I never have this opportunity again?

Throughout my life I’ve often wished for a crystal ball.  I would think to myself, it would be so much easier to let this thing go if I could see in a crystal ball that it will end up ok.  How comforting it would be to know that despite how hard it is right now, some day it will feel better and I will look back at this hurtful experience as an important crossroads that led to something better.  Perspective is such a hard thing to have when you’re in the middle of a crisis. It’s so much easier to look back to see how not getting one thing led to something better in the long run.  But at the time of the loss or disappointment, you have no idea of where things will lead or if things will work out in the end.  You are engulfed with the powerless feeling of loss and unfulfilled potential.

One of the best things about getting older is the benefit of a LOT of hindsight.  At the time I didn’t get into the graduate school of my choice, I thought my career was going to end before it started.  But eventually I got into a program that was a much better fit, with much better funding, and although it was not the shortest path to my goal, I was better off for the detour.  And same thing with relationships.  When I was heartbroken over what I thought was the right one, another detour led to my current life partner.  With so many years of seeing how life will twist and turn to bring you unexpected opportunities, it’s much easier to have faith in things working out in the long run.  You develop the confidence that you can trust yourself to heal from your sadness and move forward toward the unknown of what can be.

So the fact is we have to be our own crystal ball image makers. We need to supply ourselves with reassuring visions that reflect our capacities and resilience. So much of anxiety is really thoughts of potentially bad things happening that we won’t be able to handle.  But if we can tap into a reservoir of self-confidence that we have what it takes to make the best of what is coming, we can then tell ourselves, and believe, that we will be ok.  Despite how hard things may be at the moment, it’s the trust in our own ability that can comfort us. In this way, the future, rather than being a scary place of dead ends becomes an array of possible paths we can take to find our way to contentment.

Experiencing rejection or disappointment is hard as hell, I’m really not wanting to minimize this.  But often, especially when we’re young or inexperienced in an area of life, we make it even harder with our own tortuous projections of future failures or unfulfilled longings.   Before you reach my age of long living, I hope I can support you in a healthy perspective that may ease your pain and comfort you through a difficult change.  Create your own crystal ball that shows you the dreams you will make happen rather than fears you will be haunted by.  And don’t forget to polish it up every now and then with the strokes of those who love you.  They’re often great mirrors to reflect your strengths and hold the hope for you during the times when you aren’t able.

Ok, a little post I hope will give you a big shot of inspiration.  And to do so, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Here he is:

Just look at that smile!  Look at the shirt with the turtles on it that reads “Slow AF Run Club!!!”  Recently featured in the NY Times,  Martinus Evans started running after feeling angry at how he was treated at a doctor’s visit.  Within a year he was running a marathon and began to gain followers on his Instagram @300poundsandrunning where he shared his experiences of running as a big man.  After years of being harassed by thin, white runners, he started a club to encourage and support those who wanted to run, but felt they didn’t fit what a runner should do or should look like.  Now with over 10,000 members (10,001 with me now) the Slow AF Run Club is all about forming and supporting an inclusive community for people that want to run regardless of ability or size.  It’s not centered on weight loss or winning races, but well-being, measuring success not by numbers (speed or weight) but by engagement and resilience.  

After reading his book, I’m back at it, having given up running because I felt slow and old.  I’m still very slow and am getting even older, but the Club has given me a new perspective. If I want to run, and if I go out and run, then I’m a runner!  It feels much better to do it in my own way than to stop myself from doing it because I’m not doing it a certain way. This also got me thinking about all the other things we hold ourselves back from doing because we’re worried about failing, looking ridiculous, and being judged.  I’ve seen the question asked, if you could be guaranteed of success, what would you try?  It gets right to the heart of our insecurity and how the pressure to be great at something often keeps us from participating.  Think about all the possibilities if you had the Slow AF Club type of support to let go of expectations and participate in something you wanted to try: the Clumsy AF Club, the Dumb AF Club, the Awkward AF Club, it goes on and on.  

And it’s not just our internal voices that are so judgmental, it is a reality.  We have a cultural bias to think that once you’re an adult, you should only do something if you’re good at it or fit the mold of what is expected.  You’ll be given side-eyed looks, unsolicited advice, or even made fun of at times.  Martinus shares about his experience of being told during races to “lose weight and come back when you’re faster.”  He’s had the police called on him for being a black man running through certain neighborhoods.  And he’s not been able to find running clothes in his size, being shamed by store clerks and salespeople.  That’s why in his book he writes about the real world for us slow runners and how to get through it.  His chapters cover finding clothes online, chafing realities and compression clothing, how to choose races that won’t close down the course before you’re done, finishing last, and how to let go of comparing yourself to others.

In whatever we try it’s so important to set our own goals and measure our progress and success in our own way.  I’m so inspired by Martinus’ courage to challenge the norms and speak out about it.  And by the huge response, he’s clearly tapped into a need that many of us had to give ourselves permission to be in our bodies in our own way and for society to make space for all types of people on the trail, the track, and the race course.  I’m now picking a race to train for and am proud AF to be a turtle!!!  I hope anyone reading this will also be inspired to take a chance and challenge a norm for something that excites them, even if they are slow, clumsy, dumb, or awkward.  What limiting stereotype would you like to say “F” it” to?