While my last few posts covered the topic of social support, how important it is and how to give it to someone, I thought before leaving the topic I should address the issue of asking for help.  Sooooo scary, right?  For lots of people, the idea of asking for help is one of the most difficult things.  Way harder than giving help!  So let’s look at what the barriers may be and how to get the help you need (or have convinced yourself you don’t need, but could really use!)

Why is asking for help so hard?  In general, asking for help involves overcoming a series of layers of different types of vulnerability.  One roadblock is a fear of rejection. It’s hard to be vulnerable in this way, opening yourself up to be turned down.  Another vulnerability is the feeling of weakness.  Particularly in our Western culture, the idea of needing help is often judged as being inferior.  We’re a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” society that values independence and self reliance to an extreme.  Asking for help implies that we are imperfect.  Some of us hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards and asking for help is an admission that we failed at something, admitting we can’t handle everything or, heaven forbid, made a mistake!  Or that you’re in pain or confused by something.  We have to show our tender side when we ask for help.

Another aspect of asking for help that can be difficult is our discomfort with certain types of relational interactions.  Many people fear burdening someone else or being an inconvenience.  We tend to project our feeling that we are a bother on to others and flinch at the idea of someone using up time or energy for us.  For others, they’re very uncomfortable with the feeling of owing someone.  If they ask for help, they will immediately feel obligated or indebted.  Asking for help is seen as transactional, a quid pro quo situation that leaves unfinished business.  Past bad experiences of asking for help can cloud our vision for what may be available to us in the present.

And finally, another barrier to asking for help is sheer overwhelm.  When we’re experiencing a crisis, we’re stretched thin and preoccupied.  It might feel like it’s too much of an effort or we just don’t have the energy or the hope that help will be of any use.  When you’ve just had something really bad happen, it’s hard to imagine that something good might be available or that anything could lessen the pain.  We fear we’re a dark cloud that nobody would want to associate with.   Sometimes the ask for help might just need to be for help in getting help.

Because asking for help during a crisis can be so fraught with emotional challenges, we often don’t do it well.  I, for one, tend to have the fantasy that someone will read my mind and know what I might need without me having to ask.  Or, we hint, without explicitly stating our need, and then feel let down if someone doesn’t pick up on it. 

Here are a few tips to try to be more effective in asking for help.  First, be as clear as you can about what you need.  Reducing miscommunication will increase the likelihood of you getting what you want and, in fact, makes it easier for the giver.  For example, it’s ok to ask someone if they have some time, as you could really use someone to listen.  And it’s ok to gently let someone know when they have misunderstood you or if they are saying things that are not helpful (“dumping in,” as is described in the last post).  Acknowledge their desire to be of help, but give feedback as to what you might prefer.  And if possible, try to match the ask to the person who can make it happen.  For example, some people are better at doing tasks for you, such as helping with a ride, and some people are better at emotional support.  Some people are good at connecting you with resources and some are good at knowing how to get you to laugh when you need it. It might be of great benefit to let someone organize your help with one of the great websites that allow people to sign up for the help they can offer (Slack for example).

And finally, the most important thing when asking for help is to allow yourself to receive it.   Don’t apologize for asking or act like you’re doing something wrong or shameful.  While someone may not be able to fix a situation or make things right again, they may be able to ease your burden.  Because, for heavens sake, it’s not all about you! (JK, it is). It might help to remember there is a LOT of research that shows how beneficial it is to the GIVER to do something that’s helpful.  By asking, you give someone an opportunity to feel a sense of purpose, connection, and a way to increase their feel good hormones.  When we receive with dignity, we validate the value of the relationships in our lives.  Allowing yourself to be loved and cared for is a key component to getting the help you need.  This will not only make your life easier, but will also make you and others happier.