As a follow up to my last post, which was a follow up to the post before, I am continuing to reflect on the importance of social support.  As a therapist who often hears the sadness and feelings of isolation that people can feel when they’re going through a hard time, I see a pattern of well intentioned people actually causing more pain for people that need the comfort.  Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to pull away from someone who needs help out of fear of not knowing what to say or do.  Or, in trying to be helpful, mistake their own feelings and needs for the other persons and burden them rather than support them.  In today’s post, I want to share a creative concept that I hope makes you feel more confident in being there for someone and will help you be more helpful.

My brother recently sent me an article he saw in the LA Times describing “Ring Theory” that succinctly and with good imagery helps create rules for providing helpful support.  I need to give credit to Psychology Today writers for giving additional background.  The concept of Ring Theory was started by Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist, and her friend, Barry Goldman, after her experience with breast cancer.  What Dr. Silk noticed doing her difficult journey was that people often, believing they were offering support, would vent or give opinions in an attempt to “fix” her situation.  In sharing their emotional reactions about her experience, they  inadvertently made it about themselves, when what she wanted was to be given comfort.  In reflecting on what was needed, the idea of Ring Theory was developed to guide people toward offering a specific type of support most needed during a period of crisis. 

To create the rings, start by drawing a ring around the name of the person who is at the center of the current trauma.  Then draw a ring around this ring and put in the name of the person or people next closest to the trauma.  Continue adding concentric circles, repeating the process of adding more intimate family and friends closer and more distant family and community in the outer circles.  What you have now created is what Silk describes as a “kvetching order.” (kvetch=whining/complaining)

Now come the rules, simply put in four words:  Comfort In.  Dump Out.  

In other words, whoever is in the centermost ring gets to whine, complain, cry, and vent as much as they need and want to.  The other people also get to freely express their feelings and concerns, but the big difference is to whom they can direct their fears and negative feelings.  They can only direct these feelings to someone in a larger circle than their own.  That is the idea of “dumping out”; you express and process your pain with someone who is less affected by the trauma.  In this way, the circles protects people who need to be listened to and cared for, without creating further burden on them. 

For example, if your friend just lost her mother to cancer, your role would be to listen and tell her you are sorry for her loss and ask what she might need (comfort in).  You would bring a dish of food to help feed her family.  But the fears you have of cancer or how hard it will be to lose your own mother should be shared with your own friends or family who can help support you with your worries, as they’re in a ring larger than your own.  Fears and anxieties are normal responses to a crisis, but should not be dumped “in” on the person in crisis, but dumped “out” toward someone who can comfort you.

Think back to the times you were most comforted by someone.  It probably did not sound like,”You should hear what happened to me,” or “Here’s what I would do” or even, “This is making me so sad.”  Comfort and caring for someone in crisis focuses on giving the person your time and attention to say what they feel and need.  Most often, it’s not what you say at all, but your being present that provides the comfort of not being alone in the crisis.  Sharing the burden offers relief and reduces stress.  It also might be good to do some practical things like cleaning the house for them or offering child care.  

I think the creation of rings is, in essence, a way to acknowledge and create boundaries.  Often during a crisis, roles and feelings can be confusing as emotions are high and there is most often a lot of uncertainty.  We all react differently depending on our histories and resources.  Finding where you are in the layers of rings can be a great way to identify what role you can play for others and who can be there for you.  Who you should comfort and who you can dump your own stuff on.   Because in general, there’s never a right or wrong thing to feel or say when something traumatic happens, but there can be a right or wrong person to say these things to.  Rings help remind us what role we should play at a particular time in our circles of love.